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“We need around 100 horses, babe,” Erwin said to Levi, putting down the alligator after kissing him. Kissing his husband, not the alligator.
Levi poked the alligator with his foot and looked up at his husband. “That doesn’t sound like a lot,” he said, picking up the plastic object a little disgusted, “and what’s this?”
“It was on the pavement outside the coffee shop when I stopped there to get some coffee at lunch,” Erwin said and chuckled, “we can give it a good scrub and adopt it.”
And he grinned, holding Levi’s cheeks, and kissing him again. Levi kissed him back and smiled into the kiss, still holding the gator. That thing was big and heavy. A model of a real gator. Levi sighed and clicked his tongue, wondering if it belonged to someone who needed it. He decided, like Erwin already had, that he didn’t care. He just cared about washing and disinfecting that thing. But didn’t mind Erwin touching his face with his unwashed hands to kiss him.
“Where are we even going to put this shit?” he muttered and sighed, hearing Erwin laugh behind him.
“I think it’s a great centrepiece for the coffee table.”
“We need a new one. It’s fucking annoying to have all the books and shit under it without it having shelving under it.”
“We can get a new one at some point. Right now, I’m thinking about the car.”
“Yeah. I mean ours is still in pretty good shape, but maybe it’s time to get a new one.”
It was July, and the weather was warm. The sky was as blue as Erwin’s eyes, and Erwin looked like a five-course meal in those shorts. They weren’t too short but were tight and showed off his toned, callisthenics legs. And they looked amazing on his ass. Levi was suspicious seeing him put them on but forgot about it when he saw him put on his brown leather sandals and a basic short-sleeved loose shirt.
What he failed to notice was that Erwin didn’t just leave three buttons on the top unbuttoned. And was too annoyed seeing Erwin was flirting with a shiny 1971 Blue Volvo 142 to notice before it was too late.
“No fucking way.”
“Come on, it’s a reliable car, baby,” Erwin coaxed, lowering his voice with a smile, “Look how shiny it is. And it’s in mint condition.”
“Erwin, we’re not swapping our 2007 Saab 9-3, Sports Combi for this old piece of shit,” Levi complained, and the seller didn’t care that he was witnessing a lovers’ quarrel. All he cared about was selling cars. Erwin was probably the easiest customer he’d ever had. Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, “they don’t even make Saabs anymore.”
Levi had been pretty pissed when Saab had gone bankrupt and gotten sold to the fucking Americans. But he still liked the car, and if they were going to spend money on a car, it’d be reasonable to get a goddamn new one, not an old piece of shit.
“I should have fucking known when you said 100 horses.”
“This beauty is a 90 HP bu-“ the seller started, but Levi glared at him and he shut up, “sorry.”
“Levi, please, you know this is a reliable car, and you know I love vintage cars,” Erwin tried again, “and Volvo didn’t get sold to anybody. Plus, Mr Andersson says it only had one owner.”
Levi pursed his lips and looked at the seller, who didn’t want to make eye contact. “Sure.”
“Even if it didn’t, it’s really minty. You saw the engine and the battery. It’s in top-notch condition,” Erwin said, patting the roof and smiling, “please?”
“This is an old fucking car. Maintenance will be hell. Getting parts will be a goddamn nightmare, and you know it. Can’t we get a brand-new car?” Levi argued, rubbing his face and messing up his hair, clicking his tongue, “This is madness. I know you drive it the most, but this is…” he looked at shiny blue 1971 Volvo 142, “an old car with three doors… and manual gear.”
“You can drive manual cars.”
Levi crossed his arms and pursed his lips. “I totalled one of them.”
Erwin’s expression shifted, and he pouted for a millisecond. Levi thought he was going to hit him with more arguments. “Levi…” he muttered and sighed, “I just really like old cars, and you haven’t driven much since then. I can take you anywhere you want, and this car surely won’t let us down. Old cars were built to last, and now we have money to keep it.”
Levi wanted to tell his husband he was sorry for bringing that up. Erwin had started talking with the seller again. He was telling him all about how much he loved that car model. And Levi looked around at other cars. There were other classics there, which were much prettier than that blue Volvo, but Erwin was attached to that model. He wasn’t lying, but it was such a silly thing. There were other better classic Volvos even, but he wanted that goddamn Sedan with three doors. Erwin wanted to swap their perfectly good Saab with five doors for that shit.
But he’d been the one to bring that damn year, and he needed to lean against the car and close his eyes. He still had nightmares, and he would never forget Erwin’s face when he woke up at the hospital and saw him by his bed, unshaven and looking he hadn’t slept in three days. Which he hadn’t because Levi had been in a coma for that long.
It’d been an accident where he’d ended with both legs broken, several fractured ribs, a cracked skull, and both lungs punctured. He’d almost died of exsanguination after going into severe shock. Two blocks away from home, he was going to work. He was conscious for the entirety of 10 minutes after dragging himself out of the car through the passenger’s door. In those 10 minutes, people called an ambulance. Levi insisted on calling Erwin because he thought he’d die when he realised how bad it was seeing all that red sliding across the white snow.
When he told Erwin ‘I can’t drive, but I love you, Erwin. I love you so much… but there’s too much blood,’ with his face drenched in blood and tears he thought those would be his last words. And then blacked out seeing paramedics fussing around him.
He never knew that he didn’t cut the call, and the paramedics talked to Erwin who was shaken to the core but calm enough to tell them his blood type and if he had any known allergies. Levi had let the car die in the middle of a crossroads and gotten rammed by another car. The car skidded on the frozen, unsalted asphalt and capsized crashing against a tree. The culprit had been a guy in a BMW that had passed a red light at full speed. It hadn’t been Levi’s fault. He’d just let go of the clutch too soon. The BMW guy had been unharmed and fully blamed for the accident.
The only people in the country who thought that Erwin Smith was an asshole, were the people who happened to be looking at him from the passenger seat of BMWs. He was the politest person Levi knew, but every single time he drove by a BMW, he raised his middle finger to the person on the passenger’s seat.
Levi hadn’t gotten any permanent disabling sequels after rehab and a whole month at the hospital. He just had a bunch of scars and a bit of a stiff leg. And that didn’t matter. Erwin was with him the whole time and was with him helping him recover even when he was tired and snappy. Erwin’s patience and respect were overwhelming, and they cried in each other’s arms several times. It was okay. It was normal to be frustrated. Levi wasn’t a quitter, though, so he pushed and pushed and pushed and after several months of hard work, he was back on his feet and ready to get back to work.
Levi fell deeper in love with that man then. And when his body no longer hurt, he joined him at the callisthenics training and when he got his body mass back, got down on one knee and asked him to marry him.
Erwin cried so much he thought he was trying to get the body of water beside them to overflow. The joy shone in his eyes when he said yes, of course, he’d be with him forever and pulled him into a warm hug. Levi didn’t remember ever having cried so much out of happiness in his life.
They often went to the waterfront. There was a flea market there in the warm months, and Erwin loved that place for obvious reasons, and also because he loved old crap that reminded him of something. Like that Volvo 142. Levi got away from the car and looked at Erwin who returned his look. The seller, Mr Andersson, lowered his eyes and shut up.
“I’m sorry I brought that up, baby. I wasn’t thinking,” Levi said quietly, and Erwin smiled and shook his head subtly touching his face with his ring finger, letting the gold shine in the sun. Levi snorted and then sighed, clicking his tongue, “but can’t we get a new car instead of this?”
Erwin smiled. “I just think this one is perfect.”
And that’s when Levi realised that he’d been set up. Erwin leant against the side of the shiny blue vintage car and opened his arms putting them both over the roof. His shirt was unbuttoned at the bottom as well and rode up showing his toned stomach and his happy trail as well as most of his chest. Levi realised with a pang that he wasn’t wearing anything under those tight shorts.
He shone like gold under the sun, smiling a million-watt, pearly white smile. His hair was slightly mussed and falling onto his forehead, and his blue eyes going like a match made in Heaven with the colour of that car. Levi glanced at the seller who was also staring and looking like he wanted to take a picture.
Levi didn’t argue any further. They paid upfront, put the car in Erwin’s name, and Erwin drove off.
“You sneaky bastard,” Levi said when they were already driving out of the vintage car dealer's place. He saw his husband’s cheeky, victorious, and happy smile, “if I don’t get to fuck you in this car, I’m sleeping on the couch.”
Levi’s threats were always serious but always subtly loving. He never threatened to have Erwin sleep on the couch when they argued. He threatened to sleep on the couch himself. They also needed a new couch. Erwin never let him because no matter how upset he might be he was diplomatic and reasonable, and loved Levi much more than his pride. Levi was generally the first one to start tearing up when they made up and hugged because he hated to get mad at Erwin.
They talked it out and agreed that marriage isn’t all sunshine and daisies, and they’d been together for over seven years, married for one. They’d argued before, and they’d keep having arguments. It was fine. It was normal. Their relationship had been put to test already. It was for life, and they knew that.
Erwin glanced at him with that same cute smile, and Levi clicked his tongue before snorting and looking away until he started hearing a familiar song. “No way.”
“Yes way,” Erwin said, putting his phone with Spotify blasting Volvo-142 by Mora-Nisse. A song that spoke about a blue Volvo 142 and about shading the stupid shiny Porsches, Renaults, and, most importantly, BMWs with it. Erwin started singing along at the top like the Karaoke legend he was. Levi couldn’t stay mad at swapping the Saab for the Volvo 142 and joined him in the singing, with the windows rolled down and the whole city hearing them roll by in their impeccable blue vintage car.
“And how do you think I want to try out the car? We never got to try it with the other one I had,” Erwin said when the song changed, and it was the entire album. He grabbed his bum bag and passed it to Levi, “Check it.”
Levi didn’t need to open it to know that he’d come more than prepared and already knew he’d get the car he wanted. It wasn’t the first time Levi fucked Erwin in a car, but it was the first time they had to squeeze on the backseat of a 1971 Volvo 142 with blue seats and three doors. Erwin said it’d be easy for him to fit on his lap if he ever wanted to ride him there.
“But I want you to take me to see the stars, you’re so good at that,” he said, and Levi looked at him, “fuck me, Levi.”
Erwin swearing with a smile and that horny look was Levi’s kryptonite.
The back of the car was tight, but Erwin’s ass was tighter. He bent happily, laying on his back, ready and wanton, his legs curled behind Levi’s sweaty back when they stopped to have sex at the park by the waterfront. They stopped in a place where very few people passed and got each other naked. Levi had no issues admitting that fucking his man in that car was something else. His lewd moans sounded almost too beautiful in there, by the water, where they’d gotten engaged.
Levi liked routine, and he liked to see Erwin happy even more. The flea market by the waterfront only lasted until September, so he didn’t complain when Erwin wanted to go there that Saturday.
They needed to go to Ikea to get a new coffee table and a new bed along with everything they wanted.
They’d broken their bed the previous night. It’d lasted a very squeaky and flimsy year and a half. Levi had left a scathing review on Ikea’s website.
And they were inside their blue Volvo, driving to the market to have lunch and stroll about a bit to enjoy the weather and the company before going to Ikea. The day was warm, 22ºC, kind of stuffy, the sun was shining, but the sky was cloudy. It’d rain the following day.
“I want a bed made of real wood that lasts my entire marriage,” Erwin recited his review which he’d memorised and printed out as a memento, “and my marriage will last for as long as I live, you fucking conmen from hell. That wasn’t wood, and if it was, I’ve had boners harder and sturdier than that shit. Are you wishing mine or my husband’s untimely deaths? Is that it? I’ll sue you all. I’ll sue your sorry asses for homophobia and then make you eat the shitty beds you sell, motherfuckers.”
Levi had been annoyed at first at his husband’s prodigious memory, and at the fact that he was laughing about the string of swears. He was going to argue after getting some tea, shaking from head to toe and ready to go to Ikea and set the whole place on fire. It was early in the morning, and they’d slept on the mattress after putting the smashed remains of the bed aside. Levi wanted to throw that shit out of the window, but Erwin reasoned that it wasn’t January, that it wasn't a tree, and they’d be fined. So, Levi sat heavily at the computer and wrote his Opus Magnum of a review for that shitty bed.
They got a call from the manager of their local Ikea, and Erwin was the one to speak. Levi was appeased hearing his husband’s calm and collected yet resolved voice. They would not accept any apologies. He had a condition and had almost died the previous night. Levi got out of the kitchen sipping his tea from one of their enamel Mumin mugs and looked at Erwin, who winked and smiled. Levi was stunned seeing him lie openly yet firmly into the phone about his supposed condition. It was private, and he wouldn’t specify what it was. Levi blinked when Erwin said he was currently reviewing his legal options to take action against their company.
The call ended with Erwin telling Levi they’d get a new bed and everything they could carry for free.
Erwin had threatened the manager with the calmest, most professorial tone Levi had ever heard. Levi had to ask if he spoke like that to his students. He laughed when he returned to normal. Of course, he didn’t. That was the voice he used when he wanted something from a megacorporation. Levi mused and realised that Erwin was excellent at haggling and getting what he wanted in general. Erwin looked calm, but he never wavered in what he wanted. The only person who could argue with him and get Erwin to change his mind was him. And he felt just a little bit deeper in love with him when he walked up to him and kissed his forehead, pulling him into a hug. Levi gasped and dropped the empty mug.
“Feeling calmer now?” Erwin asked, and Levi closed his eyes and held him back, holding the back of his shirt, nodding against his shoulder, “That’s good. I thought you were gonna have a fit of some kind, baby.”
“I’m fine,” Levi said against the comforting smell of his man’s cologne, “you’re amazing,” he paused and lowered his voice, “I love you.”
Erwin kissed his temple, pulling him away and looking him in the eyes. Levi felt a bit awkward. His eyes stung. “Don’t feel embarrassed. I embarrassed him more,” Erwin said.
Levi snorted, looking at him and wiping his eyes. “With your mysterious fake condition.”
“It’s not fake.”
“What?”
“It’s not.”
Levi felt his heart skip a terrifying beat. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I get pissed when you’re upset because I love you more than I could ever love myself,” Erwin said and smiled, “that’s my mysterious condition.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Levi cussed and clicked his tongue, “almost giving me a heart attack.”
Erwin smiled, cheeky. “Fuck me? Please and thank you. Maybe after we get a new bed,” he said. Levi slapped his arm without meaning to hurt him and made him chuckle before pulling his face to his and kissing him hard on the lips.
“Don’t joke with that shit,” he said against his lips, letting Erwin pull him into a tight hug, “I’ll fucking love you twice as much as you love me.”
“I know,” Erwin said softly, “and we can go there this afternoon,” he changed the subject, “Maybe stop by the market, have some lunch on the steps, you can talk about your shitty MacBook owner customers, we look at the water...”
Well, he wasn’t lying. He did want to have some lunch on the steps, Levi vented to his heart’s content, they looked at the river, and the afternoon was pleasant. What Erwin didn’t tell him was that he was in the mood to buy a bunch of assorted junk.
“We got that damn gator that was probably someone’s weird collectable on the coffee table,” Levi said, shaking his head and looking at the massive bag. It was made of wool, and it was huge. Erwin had bought it first. It was full, “what the fuck are we going to do with…” he pulled out the most offending piece of junk in that bag, “this weird shit?”
It was a bright green tortoise. It looked like it was staring at you with its little red, beady eyes.
“It’s a friend for the gator, to welcome our new table,” Erwin said, biting into the sweet chocolaty treat he’d bought from one of the food vans. He laughed seeing Levi’s unimpressed look, “I’m sorry, baby, I actually do like tortoises.”
Levi wondered if it was too late to tell Erwin that he wanted to clean the garage and get rid of the junk he’d been gathering through the years. That damn place looked like its own flea market, and nobody would buy that shit.
“What will happen when there’s nowhere else to store this crap?”
“We’ll sell it.”
“And who’ll want to buy it?”
“Idiots like me, if we sell it cheap enough,” Erwin grinned and wiped his mouth looking at his husband, who had closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Levi jumped a little when Erwin kissed his cheek, “or we can just dump it somewhere,” he said with a chuckle, “I just like cheap things… and this time there were some good books!”
“Unlike the book on Ferrets in Chinese, you bought last year, even though we don’t know any Chinese.”
“It was a great firestarter,” Erwin said, and Levi snorted before clicking his tongue.
“Let’s head over to Ikea or I’ll want to buy more stuff, and the trailer we rented isn’t big enough for everything,” he said and looked at the sky, “and I don’t think it’ll rain, but we should hurry.”
They’d rented a trailer on the way there to bring the new bed. The coffee table fit in the boot of the Volvo 142, but the bed wouldn’t. Erwin dropped the bag with the Flea Market Finds, as he called them, on the blue and white quilt Levi’s mum had sewn for them as a wedding gift. It looked great inside that car. The white against the blue. And now it had a bag full of junk on it.
And Levi knew Erwin. The manager had said they could get anything they wanted for free. He’d wanted everything they could fit inside that car and that trailer.
Levi had to intervene when he wanted to get a new dining table and chairs they didn’t need. He could tolerate the frame he got for the printed out review, and he could tolerate the decorative things, the mugs, the plates, the fake plants, and even the framed picture of the shittiest rainbow he’d ever seen that read PRIED instead of PRIDE, but not a whole ass dining set.
“Erwin, no, we’re not getting this. Ours is still good, and it’s actual wood,” he said, serious, and slapped the surface, “this is fucking plywood. Not real wood. It’s the shit our shitty bed was made of.”
The employees had been informed of their arrival beforehand. They were standing at a safe distance after Levi glared at them and swore at them in a language they didn’t understand, making Erwin laugh. It was 4 pm and those two 20-somethings had decided not to get on the wrong side of the scary 30-something queers. Erwin smiled too much for someone who’d made their manager cry and offer him everything he could carry out of there. Levi looked ready to kill someone with his bare hands.
The manager had come to meet them and was even more scared to see the two men in person.
“You’re right, babe. I’m getting too excited. Kind of like the scary homos thing. I think we’ve met the first actual homophobes ever. They’re actually scared of us,” Erwin said seeing the employees scuttle away like clumsy crabs walking sideways with their objects, when they walked up to the bedroom section, “I never really knew what being feared felt like until today.”
“You’re pretty scary when you want to be,” Levi offered, glancing at the employees and making them pale. The shop was virtually empty save for the four of them and the hiding manager, “but you’re kind and polite. Really, someone that I’d expect to have grown up watching Mumin.”
“Which explains why I speak so well, eh?”
Levi snorted. “Yeah, that’s a joke, but I like that you don’t tone it down even with these people.”
And all was good until Erwin kept picking bad beds and Levi started getting progressively more annoyed telling him exactly what kind of material that shit was made of and in what way it’d break. Some of the damn beds didn’t even have headboards or bedposts or anything where you could tie someone to when you felt like it.
The most offending ones were the ones that had neither headboards nor footboards. That was just a weird lump of modern bullshit. The ones with drawers and storage under them were alright but the ones with shelving behind the bed frame made him want to get a sledgehammer. He’d rather they didn’t get crushed by shelving, thank you very much. Erwin stopped looking at those and focusing on the ones that looked like beds, as Levi had angrily said.
“This is also particleboard, goddammit,” he said, raising his voice, “can’t you tell by the fucking way it sounds when you do this?” he slammed his knuckles hard against it. It didn't sound solid, “this is a bunch of crap glued together. We’re getting a free bed. I want real wood that’ll last for 70 years.”
Which meant that he was planning to live until he was 100 minus one day, and expected Erwin to live for 105 years. Erwin thought his way of showing how much he loved him was sweet, but he was getting annoyed too.
“I really can’t tell what is or isn't wood, Levi,” he said, “it all looks the same to me.”
“Particleboard is even worse than Plywood, you idiot, there’s basically no damn wood in it and it’s visible, look,” he pointed at the headboard of the simple white bed. Erwin looked, “do you see anything that looks like wood?”
“Couldn’t it be lacquered or something?”
“Goddamn you,” Levi groused and slammed his hand on the offending surface, “if we tried to fuck on this, it’d snap. Look, my damn weight alone,” he sat on the mattress covered with a bright red fleece throw and jumped a little. It squeaked loudly, “and it’s brand new.”
Erwin licked his lips and smiled, looking above the furniture to see if someone was around. Levi had a feeling he knew what that crazy man was thinking. A bit of squeaking could be alluring, yes. “I can hear your horny brain. That’s too risky, you idiot. Did you even come prepared?”
“I didn’t, sadly,” Erwin said and sighed but then smiled, “but we can do things that don’t need anything, and my ass is always clean and ready.”
Levi wanted to say that his was, too, but hearing Erwin say it first meant that he wanted to get fingered. At Ikea. On a fucking squeaky MDF bed. Levi’s brain reeled with the prospect and the horniness when he got up and pulled his husband’s face to his and kissed him hard and deep on the mouth. Erwin held his sides and pushed him on the bed. It squeaked louder with their combined weights on it.
“See what I mean?” Levi muttered against his lips, still annoyed. Erwin smiled against his mouth and shuffled them both up onto the pillows lying down on his side, “You’re crazy,” Levi whispered, voice lower, holding him and rubbing his growing hardon against his ass, hearing him hum and move his ass against his cock, grabbing his arms to show him that he wanted more. Levi reached a hand to Erwin’s crotch and palmed his growing boner. Erwin moaned, and Levi moved a bit briskly to make the bed squeak and drown the lewd sound, “fucking insane.”
Erwin smiled with his cheeks turning bright pink. “You like it.”
“I do, you handsome bastard,” Levi said, nibbling on his ear and then kissing his neck making him muffle another moan when he felt his hard cock rubbing against his clothed ass. Levi deftly unbuckled his jeans and a bit harsh grabbed his dick and balls over his underwear. Erwin moaned hoarsely, louder, and Levi was too taken by it to remember the noise they were making. They didn’t know what made more noise – if the loud squeaky bed or the moaning.
Erwin shifted them around and looked him in the eyes, “What?” Levi asked.
“I want to blow you,” Erwin said, his voice dropping a whole octave and shooting right to Levi’s crotch as he closed his eyes at the wacky madness of being blown at Ikea. On that horrible, cheap bed. Even the act of unbuckling Levi’s pants and pulling them down just enough to get his dick out made the bed squeak.
Levi hazily thought that he just didn’t want to break the bed and get themselves hurt. They were lucky they weren’t even doing anything the previous night. He moaned and bit his arm to muffle the sound when Erwin took his cock in his unbearably warm mouth, all plush, soft lips and no teeth, and started sucking him off, hollowing out his cheeks and holding his flanks, gently rubbing his stomach with his thumbs. Levi grabbed his head with his free hand and looked at him, seeing the smiling, darkened eyes and the mouth full of his cock. Erwin fondled his balls as he sucked him off and let him come on the back of his throat, legs shaking and back arching, making that bed scream in the agony of being used for one of the purposes it’d been designed for. Levi needed a moment to recover. Erwin took that moment to kiss his stomach and compose his pants and underwear before going up to his face. Levi looked at him in the eyes and held his cheeks to kiss him before shoving him onto his side again.
Erwin was on cloud nine when Levi pulled down his pants and underwear enough to finger his ass with one hand and rub him off with the other. But he was crazy, too, and when the refractory period was over, he wanted to suck his tits and fuck them. Reason reminded him of the possibility of being caught, though. It was hot but not worth getting caught and coming on Erwin's face with nothing to wipe it with. He pulled his shirt up and kissed his way up from his happy trail to his beautiful chest. Erwin also covered his mouth with his arm when Levi bit and kissed his sensitive nipples and fondled his chest, his whole face red down to his collarbones and his ears.
Levi would never stop thinking the way he blushed was cute, even if it was just a reaction of his body and not embarrassment. He kissed Erwin’s cheek and then his lips before Erwin lay on his side again, and the bed once again squeaked and screamed. They no longer cared. Erwin was losing his mind feeling exposed in a public place, vaguely aware that people could catch him and were probably hearing the unmistakable sound of sex.
Levi shoved two fingers in Erwin’s mouth, and he licked them slowly, glancing at him with a smile and winking. Levi put one arm under Erwin’s waist and gave him a reach around using his precum to rub him gently on the sensitive head of his cock. Erwin curled over himself, and Levi knew he wouldn’t last long.
“What if someone shows up and sees us?” Levi whispered in his ear before kissing his neck and feeling his round, toned ass and spreading his cheeks to finger him and get him to have a crazy orgasm.
“I don’t care,” Erwin moaned into his arm, “make me come.”
Levi obliged with pleasure. He knew exactly where his man’s prostate spot was, and his fingers reached it easily. Erwin whimpered loudly when he fingered him and didn’t waste time getting to his prostate and massaging it. Levi moved, and the bed squeaked when he kissed his cheek and then his mouth to muffle his moans. Erwin squirmed, trying not to be too loud but failing quite a bit, closing his legs, and moaning into his mouth, sideways as he rubbed him off when more precum dripped out.
“Levi,” Erwin moaned with tears streaming down his flushed, smiling face, his blue eyes shining, “I’m gonna—”
“Come for me,” Levi whispered onto his lips and kissed him deeper to muffle his loud orgasm. Erwin shot his load over the bed, and it fell on the white, plush rug they had beside it. They stayed there a bit until Erwin recovered enough to compose himself. The beat squeaked when they lay on their backs, fully clothed, looking at the ceiling of that Ikea store.
“I think this bed isn’t the right bed,” Erwin said at last, and Levi snorted, “but it does the job.”
“Yeah, it does. But I want a wooden bed that’ll last all our lives.”
“It doesn’t have to. We can keep getting new ones every year for the next 70 years, baby,” he said softly, looking at him with a smile wiping his eyes and sighing, “let’s go?”
“Yeah.”
They ended up getting a bed called Tyssedal. It was made of birch wood, and it was white. Levi wasn’t convinced. Birchwood wasn’t the most reliable, but it was durable enough and at least it had a headboard where they could tie each other to. The store had it in stock, thankfully, and they could get it right away. They knew from the way the employees were looking at them that they’d heard. But neither cared.
“Most of your beds are shit,” Levi said looking directly at them, “they’re squeaky as fuck.”
Erwin smiled. “And I’d change the rugs up there,” he said as he helped them hoist the bed onto the trailer, disassembled and inside the box, “we can assemble it fine, thanks.”
“Let’s get the hell out of here and never return. At least the coffee table seems good,” Levi said, already getting back in their blue Volvo 142.
“Thanks for having us,” Erwin said politely to the employees, who smiled awkwardly and said nothing, “we’re likely not coming back here. And I’m sure that’s a great relief for you. Goodbye.”
He got in the driver’s seat and started the car. Levi had taken the liberty of getting music playing on his phone. Eppu Normaali, Vuonna ’85. Erwin smiled as he backed the car and the trailer out of Ikea’s parking place.
“Why this song?”
“Why not? It’s good music.”
“Good point.”
Levi sighed deeply and let the music play there. The radio needed some tweaking. It didn’t catch many stations. Levi was a bit overwhelmed thinking about what they’d done and wondering if he should ask his uncle, who was a carpenter, to make them a bed at some point.
Erwin didn’t expect him to lean over and kiss his cheek but didn’t get distracted. His eyes twinkled, and Levi watched the man he loved. The man he’d chosen to spend his life with. The man who hadn’t quit him.
“Can I lean my head onto your shoulder?” he asked quietly over the music.
Erwin nodded, and he did, carefully leaning onto his shoulder and breathing in his scent mixed with the vanilla scent of the acorns dangling from the rear-view mirror. “Anything bothering you?”
“No,” Levi said, and it was true, “I just don’t think I want to put my faith on Ikea furniture to, like, count how long our marriage will last, that’s all.”
Erwin carefully leaned to the side to kiss the top of his head. Levi closed his eyes. He trusted Erwin’s driving with his life. “I think we can put it on the green tortoise, then,” he said, lifting the mood a little.
Levi snorted and clicked his tongue. “That ugly old thing… but maybe you’re right. I think it’s jade, that greenstone thing it’s made of.”
“So do I,” Erwin said, “you didn’t hear it, but I haggled for it. It was worth more than we paid for.”
Levi hummed. “It’s still kinda weird.”
“I used that to haggle.”
Levi chuckled as Erwin laughed heartily. “You sleaze.”
“Tortoises live for over 100 years, though,” Erwin said over the music, softly, musing watching the road and the trailer, “we’ll know it’ll last, even if we don’t.”
“Don’t even joke about that, Erwin,” Levi said, voice low and a little hoarse, holding back his feeling and the dreams he had that came to haunt him sometimes, “please don’t die before me.”
“As much as it’ll hurt me, I don’t want to hurt you again,” Erwin said, and it was a promise, “I’ll do everything I can to live longer than you, baby.”
It made no sense. Some of their mellow conversations were like that. They made no sense, yet they understood each other. Levi sniffled and kissed Erwin’s shoulder. “Let’s just live for as long as we can, together,” he said at last, “I don’t want to leave you alone, either. You’re too wild to be alone, even in the far future when you’re an old man.”
Erwin chuckled. “Do you think we’ll still be able to have sex at Ikea when we’re that old?”
Levi snorted. “I sure hope so. I want to terrorise some more Ikea employees.”
Erwin laughed heartily, and Levi smiled. With that comforting thought in mind, they drove off, safely, in that good life, under a lucky and horny star, all the way home with their weird yet sturdy tortoise.