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DIRK: Dude.
DIRK: Did you just slap my ass?
JAKE: Uh yeah i guess i did.
JAKE: Is that not what you do to give your good ol horsey pal some encouragement?
DIRK: Jesus Christ.
JAKE: Tell me if im wrong but dont they do it in the movies and such? I figure it has to mean something.
JAKE: I do believe the general effect is supposed to be making your horse scoot a bit faster.
DIRK: First of all, I'm not a horse. I'm an equestroid.
DIRK: There are some critical differences you should be aware of by now.
DIRK: Thanks to my superior biomechanical form, I can perform feats such as the "power jump", universally regarded as "pretty sweet." More importantly, I can assume a humanoid form and wield a weapon.
JAKE: Well thats something im aware of for sure.
JAKE: Without dear sara janes help this planet would be a lot unsafer and would also have an extra mountain or two left.
DIRK: Amen to that.
DIRK: Sara Jane. My beloved gal.
DIRK: Most dangerous woman on the planet. A big fuckin' gun.
JAKE: Yes shes got dimensions.
DIRK: Moving on: I can speak, which is why and how we're having this conversation in the first place. That's pretty goddamn exceptional, I would say. Have fun trying to talk about philosophy or mechanics with some regular dumbass equine.
DIRK: Keep munching on that grass and leave intelligent conversation for the rest of us, shithead. Bet you haven't even read the Wikipedia pages of the most prominent philosophers in the Western tradition.
JAKE: I guess the poor horse in this fanciful imaginary scenario indeed hasnt ill give you that much.
DIRK: Also, FYI, on the topic of speed: I'm already going pretty fast.
DIRK: I believe my transistors have crunched the numbers and calculated a rough estimate of "downright posthaste" for my speed. We're going preposterously fast here, dudes.
DIRK: Faster than fuckin' Sonic the Hedgehog.
JAKE: Wow are you sure?
JAKE: After all one of the fellas most conspicuous attributes is that he generally likes to keep things pretty snappy or so they say.
JAKE: Im not gonna deem you swifter than sonic the hedgehog just like that. Who knows who would triumph if these titans of going pretty fast met on the battlefield of velocity?
JAKE: All im saying is that maybe sonic has a chance.
DIRK: Bullshit.
DIRK: I could easily beat Sonic.
DIRK: Would make that fucker redshift so hard he'd turn entirely red and they'd have to call him whatever the opposite of Sonic is.
JAKE: I think thats knuckles. Sonics red pal and best known for also appearing in things.
JAKE: Or did you mean like... the opposite of sonic as in quiet?
DIRK: Quiet the Hedgehog.
DIRK: Yeah, that sounds okay. They'll call Sonic that after I kick his ass.
JAKE: Muffled the hedgehog.
DIRK: Imperceptible the Hedgehog.
JAKE: Quite honestly somewhat inaudible the hedgehog.
DIRK: Can't hear shit the Hedgehog.
JAKE: Bro can you pipe down im trying to take a nap the hedgehog.
DIRK: Anyway, fictional hedgehogs I could easily defeat aside. The bottom line is you can just tell me if the situation calls for me to go faster.
DIRK: Here's a friendly example:
DIRK: Bro can you hurry? I think that son of a dick tex hex is on his way to burn down an orphanage or some shit like that. I sure wish my amazing mechanical steed would rev it up and be even faster so that we can maybe save a child or two.
JAKE: Alright dude i get what you mean.
DIRK: Yeah, maybe say some bullshit like that instead of going wild on my ass the next time around. I think the homoerotic subtext mostly just distracts from whatever you were trying to communicate.
JAKE: Come on man thats uncalled for.
JAKE: I think its fair to remark that theres nothing inappropriate about laying a spirited whack on the steely buttocks of your best equine bud.
JAKE: Assuming otherwise is a fat delirious move and dare i say not very proper itself!
DIRK: Oh yeah, my bad. How silly of me not to realize that dudes walloping each others' rumps is just, like, standard behaviour. Happens all the time.
DIRK: Guess it's on me for living in the Hall of the Equestroids for my whole life and not learning the proper rules of socializing with your male friends.
DIRK: Can't wait to find out what else the lads regularly get up to that I foolishly assumed to be some kind of sexual activity. Like, do they suck dick? Is that what happens when you're just hanging out with your strictly homosocial acquaintances?
JAKE: Thats not what i meant at all!
JAKE: I was just saying its a normal thing to do when youre on a dashing stallion and just wish it would speed up a bit.
DIRK: We already talked about this, man. I'm barely a horse.
DIRK: I'm just some guy. A remarkably muscular alien horse cyborg furry, yes. But still just a guy.
DIRK: I'm afraid thumping my posterior is less of a show of proper horsemanship and more of just slapping a guy's ass.
DIRK: And if we're residents of the Blatantly Sexual Undertones Zone at present, it's you who speedran us here via one swift motion of the hand.
DIRK: Clipped straight through the floor at Riding Your Best Friend Area. Made just the right inputs to execute arbitrary code cleverly introduced in the program memory via some obscure exploit.
DIRK: Not even tool assisted, bitches. All real inputs. It's a world record and the previous guy got owned so hard he's currently deleting all traces of his online identity and considering moving to Siberia.
JAKE: Alright dirk thats enough i get it!
JAKE: Yeah i realize you're not really a horse and its therefore a bit weird to do stuff like whack your butt or put reins on you.
JAKE: I wont do it anymore if thats what you want! I will never slap your ass again! Let those shining metallic buttocks remain unsmacked till the end of time!!!
DIRK:
DIRK: I didn't tell you not to do it.