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r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/youwillbehappy 2 hours ago
Me [37M] with my roommate/partner [53M], I'm worried I might be homophobic towards him?
Okay, look, I've never been this kind of asshole before. I've never had a gay friend or anything, but I've taken cases from a few, and whenever I find a cheating husband with a guy I treat it the same way as when I find him with a woman. (I'm a PI.) All this bullshit has never happened before.
"Mack" has been my detective partner for two years, and roommate for six months. I found out he was gay around the same time we moved in together. I was surprised at first, because he has an ex wife, but I didn't think I gave a shit who he was fucking and I got over the surprise pretty fast. At first I don't think it changed anything. We like to argue and sometimes it kind of sounds like flirting, but it's not. And I've never felt threatened by it. That's just how we are! It's normal and it doesn't mean anything to either of us.
The problems started when we took a case that involved a stakeout in a gay bar. Cheating husband again, the usual. Not important. But Jack was on a first fucking name basis with at least five men there. (I'm barely even on a first name basis with him! We usually call each other our last names!) Anyway, it was pretty clear that they've had a history if you know what I mean. They fucked, basically. Or they're fucking. I don't know, it's not my business what Mack does in his spare time. I still feel weird about it though.
We took a case that involved another gay bar last week and this time not only did he know some of the guys, but he got flirty with them, and touchy, and I felt really weird about seeing him do that with other guys. He said it was for the case and to get information, but I almost threw up just watching it.
I feel bad for being so disgusted, and I thought it would be a one-time thing, but I still haven't been able to get over it. I had to convince him to turn down another of the gay cases this week (we've been getting a lot lately for some reason) because I just didn't want to see him do that again. It just makes me uncomfortable and grosses me out, so I don't know what I'd do if he got a boyfriend or brought one of these guys home.
The worst part is, Mack has noticed. He's a detective, of course he noticed, but still. We saw one of the guys again while he was picking me up from a regular bar, and I was kind of an asshole to the guy. I blamed it on being drunk but I wasn't that drunk. So he asked me what I thought about him bringing the guy home with him sometime. I said that he couldn't, because I don't want to bring strange men around my daughter, but then he said that's rich because he was a strange man I brought around my daughter, even though that's different and he knows it. So I told him that I don't care who he sleeps with, he just couldn't bring them to our house. He looked mad and said he was going back to his old apartment for the night, and asked if I'd calm down about things if he only slept with the guy at his place. I told him it's none of my business and he can do whatever the fuck he wants over there but when he said that it made me feel like I had the world's worst hangover with all the nausea. I think that feeling comes from a place of disgust.
He didn't come back for sunday breakfast the next day, which really upset my daughter because she likes making pancakes with him. He never skips sunday pancakes, and it was all my fault since I judged him for sleeping with guys. The worst part is that it's affecting my daughter. She can tell something's up and she's been asking why we're fighting but I obviously can't explain any of it because I don't want her to end up being homophobic like me and start judging him for liking men. She looks up to him, he's basically a second dad at this point. I also don't want to hurt her or have her judge me when she finds out I'm homophobic, because she's such a great kid. She'd probably be fine with it, she even has a friend that we're all pretty sure is going to be a lesbian when she grows up, and she's okay with that. We all are! For some reason I only feel this way when it's Jack.
He's acting like nothing happened but I'm worried this is going to happen again. I don't want to lose him, he's a great partner and friend even though he broke my arm that one time, but I also don't want to hurt him when he finds out I feel this way and how disgusted I am.
How do I fix this? I don't want to be homophobic and usually I'm not, it's like a weird kind of homophobia that only applies to Mack and his sex life. Is this because I live with him? (Asking him to move out is not an option, I'm not doing that.) Does anyone have experience with this? How do I make it stop?
tl;dr: Partner/Roommate is gay and I'm not, and I thought I was okay with it but I feel like shit when I see him with other guys and it's going to mess things up between us. How can I deal with this and stop being such a dick?