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Having talked with Mary in the courtyard helped Beatrice sort her thoughts. She hadn't set out to find either Mary or Lilith, had only come out here to clear her head a little. It was already dark and Beatrice had barely paid attention where she was walking, so when she reached the wall, she hadn't realized that she wasn't alone until she heard talking.
Considering to leave, not wanting to pry, Beatrice found herself rooted to the spot when Lilith talked about how she had been afraid of Ava dying, how she blamed herself still for everything she had done to Ava. Beatrice could understand that, but it also felt like it had been so long ago that Lilith had chased down Ava and tried to cut the Halo out of her.
So much had happened since then. Unbidden, Beatrice's thoughts went back to where they always went these days. The kiss in the tomb. Ava, broken and bloody, but still so soft and warm in Beatrice's arms. They still had not talked about it and at this point, Beatrice didn't know how to bring it up. But she knew she should. If Ava falling from that balcony and lying there, lifeless in Beatrice's arms had shown her anything, it was that her feelings for Ava were even stronger than she had thought.
When Mary had assured Lilith that they would be alright, that Ava had been right when she said that they couldn't be beaten, not together, Beatrice couldn't stop herself from walking up to Mary after Lilith had left. Something inside of her yearned for guidance, for clarity. It had made her have to suppress a chuckle when she had realized she needed someone to confess to.
In a way, it felt confusing. Confession had always been something Beatrice had to do, something that was required. Not something she necessarily felt helped her. Maybe because she had always been very guarded, making certain that she confessed smaller sins but kept what truly was in her heart, what burnt deep in her soul secret. In that moment though, when she had seen Mary at the wall, standing there and staring out in the darkness, having just helped Lilith unburden herself, it had felt like Beatrice could do the same without fear or doubt.
And now, after she had laid bare her soul and Mary had only listened, not judged her at all, Beatrice felt lighter and more unburdened than she ever had after confession. Though she also felt the urge to do another confession. To talk to Ava and tell her about what she was feeling. In a way, it was both harder and easier than any confession before had ever been. Harder because Beatrice did not know how Ava would react, despite Mary assuring her that Ava loved her. Something that made Beatrice's heart sing and made blood rise to her face unbidden.
The way Beatrice always felt when she thought about Ava was part of what made it easier to confess to her, because, well, this was Ava. Who had become Beatrice's best friend, a constant in her life next to her sisters. In a way, it was weird how important Ava had become to Beatrice in such a short time. But she found herself wanting to be near her all the time. To protect her and reassure her that everything would be alright. And yes, to touch her. In ways Beatrice had always thought were a sin, but now she was not so sure. Mary was right, love should not be a sin. On the contrary.
Yes, Beatrice had made her vows, but she was the Warrior Nun. And wasn't it true that she was serving God better with her sisters and Ava by her side? With love in her heart? Beatrice was not sure whether she was twisting something that should not be twisted, but Mary had said Shannon had loved her. In every way. If Shannon, who had always been Beatrice's role model, the person she looked up to more than anyone else, could dare to love in ways that they both had been taught were sinful, then Beatrice herself could as well, right?
Walking towards Ava's room, Beatrice wavered, wondering whether she was making the right choice. Whether she should tell Ava about her feelings at all. But she decided that she had pushed down her true self for too long. That she was done with allowing what should make her happy to bring her pain. Was it not better to tell the truth? To take the chance to love and be loved than say empty prayers and confess meaningless sins while these feelings festered inside of her like an open wound?
Taking a deep breath as she stood in front of Ava's room, where she knew Ava had been heading when she left her and Camila after dinner, Beatrice told herself that she could do this. She could muster up all the courage she had and tell Ava the truth. Scraping up her resolve, Beatrice knocked on the door, smiling softly to herself when she heard Ava's voice call 'come in'. Opening the door and stepping in, Beatrice immediately stopped in her tracks when she saw that Ava was not alone. Both Ava and Camila were sitting at Ava's desk, the prosthetic Ava had worn in the church and had switched on the way back to the Cradle lying on the desk.
Not knowing how to pivot with her plans now that she had found Ava was not alone, Beatrice stayed rooted to the spot for a moment, feeling heat rise in her cheeks when Ava smiled at her warmly and gestured for her to come in.
"Bea, hi, come in, we're trying to see if we can fix this thing ourselves or need to ask Jillian for help. It's kind of just bent a little, maybe we can unbend it. What do you think?" Ava asked, already looking back at the prosthetic with a thoughtful frown.
Beatrice let out a breath. Ava's casual manner helped her relax at least a little, but her heart still beat far too fast. Walking towards the desk, Beatrice tilted her head and looked at the prosthetic. It was indeed a little banged up, but Beatrice had to admit, she had no idea how to fix it. When she realized that both Ava and Camila were waiting for her answer, Beatrice shrugged.
"I don't know, I am far from an expert, you know that. It's probably best to have Jillian take a look at it before you use it again, just to make sure it is alright," Beatrice said, trying hard to keep her composure and not get distracted by how beautiful Ava's smile was and how her hair was framing her face perfectly, the white streak as always standing out. Just another thing that made Ava special. Though it was not like Beatrice didn't think everything about Ava was special. Ava sighed and nodded, her smile falling a little but returning when she looked up at Beatrice.
"You're probably right. Don't want to risk it breaking in half next time I fight demons," Ava said, chuckling a little and patting both the prosthetic on the desk and the one on her leg. "And it's not like I don't have the others. Though I have to admit, this one's my favourite."
"Of course it is," both Camila and Beatrice said at the same time, both chuckling and smiling at each other when they realized it.
It was still impressive to Beatrice, how fast Ava had managed to bounce back after losing her leg. Ava's ability to see the best in hard situations and always stay positive was one of the things Beatrice loved most about her. Thinking about how much she loved Ava made Beatrice's breath hitch, a blush once again rising in her cheeks. Both Camila and Ava frowned now, looking up at Beatrice, who bowed down her head, trying to hide her blush. Though she knew it was superfluous, especially when Camila now cleared her throat and got up, smirking a little at both of them.
"I'll leave you to it," Camila said, a little cheekily, already walking towards the door. When she got there, she turned around, smiling back at both of them, her eyes shining with mischief in a way Beatrice was confused about. But she pushed down that confusion, deeming it not important. Camila waved a little. "Good night."
"Good night," both Ava and Beatrice answered, right before Camila disappeared through the door.
Ava turned to Beatrice with a soft smile, holding out her hand. Taking Ava's hand and sitting down, Beatrice smiled back. It felt so good to hold Ava's hand, so natural. It always had. The tension in Beatrice's body seeped out of her and somehow, just looking into Ava's eyes, seeing them shine with so much affection calmed Beatrice down significantly. She could do this. Taking a deep breath, Beatrice told herself to be brave. To unburden herself and let Ava be the judge.
"Ava, I need to tell you something," Beatrice said, realizing a second too late that it was not the best way to start as Ava's face fell. Immediately wanting to reassure her, Beatrice shook her head and squeezed Ava's hand. "No, it's nothing bad, don't worry. I just…" Beatrice hesitated, not knowing how to say this. She should have rehearsed it, or at least given it more thought. Despite having thought about how to tell Ava that she had feelings for her for weeks now, Beatrice felt like her head was empty all of a sudden. But when Ava frowned and looked very confused, Beatrice decided she just needed to come out with it. "I love you."
Immediately, Ava's face lit up and her smile got wider, her eyes shining again.
"I love you too," Ava said, softly and with conviction, leaning forward to pull Beatrice into a hug.
Putting her arms around Ava by instinct, Beatrice realized that Ava had misunderstood her. Maybe this was good though. Holding Ava, breathing in her calming scent, Beatrice told herself that maybe she didn't need to confess her feelings. Maybe they could just go on like they had, ignoring the kiss and staying friends. But what Mary had said immediately came back into Beatrice's mind. Love was always worth it. And wouldn't Beatrice just go back to feeling guilty and burdened if she kept this secret? No, Beatrice told herself that now that she had mustered the courage, she needed to go through with it.
Leaning back a little, Beatrice smiled softly at Ava and dared to put her hand on Ava's cheek, caressing it gently. Ava leaned into Beatrice's hand, looking at her with so much affection that Beatrice told herself she could be brave. Leaning forward more and more, Beatrice gave Ava all the time to retreat. To Beatrice's elation, Ava did not retreat. Instead, her eyes went wide and her breath picked up when Beatrice came so close, she could feel Ava's breath on her skin. The urge to kiss Ava got stronger and stronger by the second, but Beatrice wanted to make sure Ava wanted the same thing.
"I want to kiss you," Beatrice said, quietly and breathlessly and maybe not particularly eloquently, but the way Ava's eyes were now shining even more and she nodded eagerly, it was enough.
"Please do," Ava answered, just as breathlessly and then they both leaned forward, closing the distance between them.
Beatrice let out a sound between a moan and a sigh when Ava's warm lips met hers. It felt like the answer to all of her prayers. Pulling Ava closer, Beatrice moved her lips, feeling a fire ignite in her belly. Ava's hands roamed over Beatrice's back. There were so many emotions inside of Beatrice that it was hard to even grasp any of them. But it didn't matter. What mattered was that she was holding Ava and kissing her and that Ava was kissing her back like she meant it.
Eventually, they had to come up for air. Both of them panted a little, looking at each other in wonder. Ava's eyes were full of so much love that Beatrice felt the urge to pull her into another kiss immediately, but she needed to clarify this first. So she put her forehead against Ava's and took a deep breath, looking at Ava intensely.
"I love you. With all I have. I want to kiss you and hold you and be with you in any way I can," Beatrice said, hoping that was clear enough. By the way a slow grin spread over Ava's lips and she pulled in Beatrice even closer, it was.
"I love you. I mean it. And I want all of that too. So much," Ava said, still a little breathlessly. Beatrice felt a smile form on her lips as well.
Both of them leaned in again at the same time and then, words became fully unnecessary as they kissed again, their bodies moving against each other a confession of its own.
A confession that Beatrice was convinced would lead both of them on the path to a bright future.