Chapter Text
Ignoring the screams and pleas of the girl, Lilith wasn't thinking much, just concentrating on the task in front of her. Cutting the Halo out of the person it had been given to on accident. This girl was an imposter, a fluke, no matter what Mary or Father Vincent said. The Halo belonged to Lilith, it was her birthright, her sacred duty to bear it. Fighting with Mary had taken a toll on her but it also had strengthened her resolve.
She felt the knife tear into the flesh, the Halo flare up in a blinding light, she heard the sobs and screams of the girl get even louder but she still didn't stop. She couldn't stop. This was what she had to do. The Halo needed to come back to the OCS, to the rightful bearer. The girl was already dead anyways. She had squandered her second chance, she didn't deserve it. Lilith's hands were covered in blood soon, the torn flesh only obscured by the jacket, but she could already feel the Halo, could lever it out with the knife.
When she did, when the bright golden ring tore through the flesh, Ava went still under her and in that moment, when she saw what she had been after the entire time, what she had been so desperate to get, the Halo being right there, hers for the taking but covered in blood, sporting the signs of the brutality it took to get it out, she suddenly faltered.
Looking at her bloody hands, at the Halo that was nearly out, only hanging onto a small bit of the body, she suddenly realized that what she was doing was wrong. So so wrong. She had no idea what exactly it was, maybe the Halo itself was telling her, but she couldn't stand herself anymore, couldn't believe that this was what she had done, that it was her work. It didn't matter whether the girl had already been dead, this was still her work. Her fault.
Instead of levering the Halo out fully, she recoiled, fell back on her backside and shuffled away several steps, letting the knife fall onto the floor and the Halo sticking out of the body like some perverse symbol of Lilith's wrongdoing. She felt like Shannon herself, who had told her she was ready, who had endorsed her in becoming the Warrior Nun was looking at her in disappointment, as if she couldn't recognize the woman who had been her friend.
She took her head in her hands, not caring that she was bloodying her face, not able to look at the carnage she had caused for a moment longer, the proof of what she had become. In that moment, she heard Mary shouting her name and she wanted to disappear, to hide her shame. She knew Mary would never understand, would never forgive her.
"Oh my god, Ava! Ava?"
Lilith didn't want to look, but still she took her hands off her face and opened her eyes just to see Mary hurry towards Ava's body, which was still lying on the floor, unmoving, the Halo sticking out and still glowing. She averted her gaze, not able to watch but then suddenly, a little to the side of Ava she saw a red glow in the air which made her entire body go on alert for a completely different reason.
"Mary," she croaked out, trying to warn her, but barely even being able to talk, just watching as the Tarask materialized without Mary realizing.
"Don't even speak to me, what the hell were you thinking? God damn, I don't even know what to-"
"Mary!" Lilith interrupted her, now a little more forceful, knowing the danger they were all in.
Mary finally looked up and saw the Tarask, scrambling to get her shotguns out, but in that moment, Ava stirred, sitting up, screaming. The Halo still hung from her back in a bloody mess, barely hanging on, but apparently she was still alive, which for a second made Lilith feel better, maybe she hadn't destroyed everything, maybe there was a way to fix it.
But immediately after, the Tarask ran its claw through Ava's body, Mary shooting it but barely making a dent. Ava screamed as the Tarask carried her up in its claw, the Halo dislodging and falling on the floor. The Tarask bend for it as Ava went limp, but now Lilith finally found her senses again, seeing Ava's body like that, knowing all of this was her fault and she took the sword out of its sheath and struck the Tarask across its body.
It screamed and disappeared back in a red flash, carrying Ava with it on its claw. Lilith dropped the sword on the floor and fell to her knees, tears running down her face. She barely noticed Mary telling the boy who had been with Ava and was somehow still here to run and that he did. Then she heard Mary's voice, trembling, rough but also full of venom.
"Happy now? Go on, take your precious Halo."
"Mary."
"No. You know what, fuck you. You and Duretti really deserve each other, you both kill to get what you want. I'm out."
"No, Mary, please, I didn't mean to… I…"
"What? You didn't mean to slice her open? Well, you did. And now she's… Wherever she is. But I guess that makes you the Warrior Nun, so good for you."
Lilith couldn't even fault her for it, hating herself in this moment. What had she done?
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Mary please, if we leave the Halo exposed…"
She didn't finish, not even knowing if she wanted the Halo, if she deserved it anymore. What if it sensed what she had done and rejected her? What if her actions had made her unworthy?
She heard Mary take a deep breath.
"If you think I'll put that thing in you, help you play lapdog for Shannon's murderer, you're mistaken."
That finally made Lilith look up at Mary with wide eyes.
"What? What are you talking about?"
Mary scoffed.
"Duretti. He told you to get the Halo, didn't he? To cut it out of Ava? That she's just collateral damage? Well, Shannon was too. To him at least," Mary spat out, like the words were causing her pain.
Lilith was trying to process all of this, not able to understand, so she shook her head.
"No, that, that can't be."
Mary just looked at her with an intensity that scared Lilith.
"Think about it. The explosion was an ambush, an inside job. He's the only one profiting from her death. He wants to consolidate power, to have a Warrior Nun he can control. That wasn't Shannon."
Lilith felt like she was hit with a ton of bricks. She couldn't breathe, her mind racing. If that was true, then she played right into his hand by pursuing Ava, by killing her. She looked at her bloody hands, not able to form one coherent thought. Her breathing was more and more shallow and she felt like she needed to get out, get away but she had no idea where to go and couldn't move.
"But it was me. He manipulated me. No. I… Mary…"
Everything was too much, everything she had done caught up to her at the same time, how Duretti had played her, what she had become in the name of duty. A scream ripped from her, not loud but heavy, painful. And then it was as if a tidal wave had opened, her body shaking from sobs she had kept in for so long, fresh tears streaming down her face.
"Shit. Lilith."
She felt arms around her and at first she wanted to escape, to swat them away, knowing that she didn't deserve comfort, that she didn't deserve anything, but she was too weak and Mary's hold was too strong. So she just cried and cried, feeling like everything she had done was catching up with her, all she could see was Ava's lifeless body, the gaping wound on her back that she had caused. The Halo glowing and accusing her. Her fault.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Lilith sobbed.
Mary started swaying, as if Lilith was a child in her arms.
"Shh, it's alright. It's okay. We'll figure it out. We will." They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, but finally, Lilith felt like she could breathe easier, the sobs subsiding. She still had no idea what to do though, not knowing anything anymore. Mary kissed her forehead and retreated a little, still holding her but now far enough apart to see her face. "Now tell me. Are you the Lilith who is my friend? The one who Shannon was proud of? Or are you Duretti's pawn, doing his dirty work for him? What Warrior Nun do you want to be? You decide."
Suddenly, what Mary had said on the ferry popped up in Lilith's head and she looked at Mary, not knowing whether she could even still be her friend, her sister, after everything she had done.
"You said I'm not a leader. You called me heartless."
Mary scoffed humorlessly and Lilith knew she was thinking about what she had just done, her stomach churning with dread, realizing that she would throw it back in her face. She had been heartless. More than that, she had been brutal, cruel. A murderer.
But Mary didn't say any of that, instead she looked at Lilith with a soft expression.
"Then prove me wrong. Help me make this right. Please."
That brought a fresh wave of tears, just knowing that Mary still believed in her, still believed she could be what Shannon had hoped her to be, she could make them proud. She nodded.
"I will."
It was a promise and she intended to keep it.