Chapter Text
"JJ!"
"Jayj..."
"JJ, wake up!"
"WAKE UP!"
JJ's eyes spread wide, the sea burning his throat as he lurches forward to expel the water from his lungs. He coughs, frantically looking around, searching. What was going on?
Where is—
Kie.
She's there, right in front of him. Hand on his shoulder, patting his back while he continues to cough up shit. He's very much aware that they are sitting ducks right now. He can hear the engine stalling out in the little life boat they somehow ended up on. Everyone is freaking out. But not him. Not right now.
Cause right now, Kiara is looking at him. And when Kiara Carrera looks at you, or him really, it's hard to function.
"Hi," she breathes, like seeing him awake was the only thing that mattered in this moment. This tiny, small, fragile moment.
It's all he's got. All he's ever had. Moments. glimpses in time, seconds really. A fleeting look, a brush of finger tips, a whisper in a hot shipping container.
Sounds perfect.
Can I come?
That moment he lightened the mood. He recognized the moment, and then turned it into a joke. It was all teasing and in good fun, but part of him knew he was walking them back into familiar territory again. Changing the course away from a path he knew they would never go down. No matter how much he wanted to.
And, he does the same thing again here.
"Sup," he grins back, completely changing the energy from relief to playful annoyance, triggering her to slap his shoulder. He isn't expecting her to hug him though. Usually when he changes the direction she falls in line, much like he does when it's her turn to shift things. When a line is too close to being crossed.
She's not running from it now though, is she?
Goddamn it, stop. This was just him almost drowning. This was almost losing a friend. As good as it feels to have her arms wrapped around him, he can't let himself pretend this is more. That this is growing into more. It's never going to be more.
Eventually they make it to shore, and JJ is able to dub the deserted island Poguelandia. He could tell the group wasn't sold, particularly Sarah, but that didn't stop him from the declaration.
And then there was another moment. After John B's rousing speech and fearful faces turned to ones full of excitement and promise, where he extended his hand and Kiara accepted it. It wasn't taking his hand that was the moment though. It was the way she went about taking his hand. Looking up at him like she knew what she was doing. The alarming thing being that he had absolutely no idea.
And predictably, the moment doesn't last. Soon they were parting ways as they walked down the beach, her falling into step with Sarah and he with the boys.
"I saw that," John B quietly says.
"Saw what?" JJ asks.
John B just gives him a look, and then marches forward. It makes JJ roll his eyes as he's watching his friends continue on down the beach. He slows, and for a second he doesn't recognize why. It felt like a decision he made himself, but when he looks up, everyone is farther away, and he feels sluggish.
"Ah," he hisses, finger tips touching his temple. He pulls his hand back and it's tainted red. "Fuck."
He shakes his head, as his vision starts to blur. He sees everyone, foggy as they are, but it's Kiara who stands out when she turns, looking for something, and her eyes land on him. Her face is confused, but he can't tell why until the world starts to tilt.
"JJ!"
——————————————————————
Kiara noticed JJ wasn't with the group, and so she looked back, half expecting him to have begun climbing a coconut tree or something. He was all uppity after they got off the boat. Wouldn't have surprised her if he was already trying to be the main provider and trying to scrounge up something edible. He himself had a bottomless pit of a stomach as well.
But that's not what she sees.
She's about to call his name, keep him on track. He gets distracted so easily it's almost like you had to constantly remind him to keep in one direction, like a toddler.
Her teasing mood instantly drained when she saw him holding his head and then begin to fall into the sand on the shore.
"JJ!" She screams. The rest of the Pogues are turning towards her, but she doesn't wait to explain before she takes off towards him.
"Ahhhh," JJ groans. He's on his back, face scrunched in pain as he cradles his head.
Kiara reaches for him, half afraid to touch him, even more terrified not to. "JJ, what's wrong," she asks. "Pope!"
"God," he curses. "I'm fine, just my head."
She takes his hand, pulling it away from his head. "Let me see," she insists, meeting his eye for a moment.
JJ reluctantly allows her to examine the wound, as the rest of the Pogues make it to them as well. "Shit," Kiara murmurs.
"Well that ain't good," JJ comments.
"Can you sit up?"
JJ twists his face, and lifts his body so he's leaning back on his elbows. His face twitches in pain, and his eyes quint shut as she traces the outline of the gash on the side of his head.
"Pope," she whispers.
Pope crouches beside her, and she begins to hold her breath. It feels like seeing him go overboard all over again. Only this time, she has to wait. Seconds. Simple seconds. God, they're the worst.
"We gotta stop the bleeding," Pope assesses.
Usually she would have a snappy comment, like obviously. This time it prompts her to move forward, hardly thinking at all as she removes her shirt, and hands it to him. She ignores the way his eyes trail up and down her exposed torso. At least he hasn't lost all brain function, he can still recognize a girl in a bikini.
"Thanks," he says, taking the garment and dabbing it into his head.
"You gotta put more pressure on it," Pope instructs.
"It hurts," JJ complains.
Kiara feels like her bones are on fire, and she's compelled to act before her brain can determine if it's a good move or not. She takes the shirt from him, hand coming to his shoulder to steady herself and then presses it into his wound.
He whines, but otherwise doesn't resist her insistence on helping him. Having her this close was actually more soothing than any other kind of treatment he could have asked for would have been. Something about her was so healing.
Sarah, Cleo, and John B leave to find a suitable place for a shelter and to search for food. Pope hangs back for a few minutes, like he didn't want to leave them alone. That's annoying to JJ in more ways than one, but because of the head injury, he chooses to keep his trap shut.
"You good?" Pope asks, Kiara, more than JJ.
"Yeah," she quickly says, only giving him a glance and forced smile that leaves her lips almost as soon as it's presented. Pope nods and retreats inland to catch up with the rest of the crew.
JJ watches Kiara as she's taking care of his head. The way her chest rises and falls with her breath, hair blowing in the gentle breeze. How her eyes look tired. And then, she looks back at him.
Her brown eyes are facing the sun, making them lighter than they usually are. He could count the freckles on her face if he wanted. Can see the faded scar on her cheek she got after falling from her bike when they were kids.
Moments.
Small, fragile, little moments.
Moments he's not supposed to have. So, he turns them again.
"So, that's still happening?" He questions with what would be a nod if he were able to move his head at all.
"What?"
"You and Pope," he clarifies.
Realization breaks. "Oh, no," she denies, looking away. "No, no, that's not, that's not a thing. Me and... we're not a thing."
She's never this flustered. Kinda makes him doubt her, if he's honest. She's usually so sure of herself. Hardly anything makes Kiara Carrera break a sweat. She shift uncomfortably on her knees, clearing her throat.
"Ya'll get into a spat?" He persists.
"What? No, I told you, we're not a thing, it's fine," she continues to deny.
"Mmhmm," he hums with obvious skepticism. "You mad about that?"
She pulls the shirt away, irritation being fueled by exhaustion. "Come on, stop," she requests. Her plea tired, not wanting to fight.
"Why?" He wonders, with a hint of bite. "You're in a mood, just tryin' to figure out why."
"In a mood," she repeats under her breath, but she doesn't meet his eye. "I'm fine. Here," she says, handing him back her shirt. "Keep applying pressure."
JJ takes the shirt, but frowns. "Hey, Kie," he calls, not wanting her to leave. She doesn't stop though, leaving him on the beach. "Shit."
———————————————————————
Kiara breaks into the jungle, not really sure where she is going. She half doesn't care. She just needed to get away from JJ, and that beach, and everything going on in her head.
What was even going on in her head? A million things. First, she jumped overboard to save her best friend. Two, they both almost drowned. Third, she's trapped on a deserted island with her ex-whatever the fuck that was with Pope. Fourth, she's trapped on a deserted island with the guy she's fairly certain she wants to be more than friends with and he is asking her about her ex-situationship with said ex-whatever the fuck that was with Pope.
And to top it all off, she's hungry.
The space she's in is quiet. The trees and other plants in the ecosystem on the island are a silent enclosure to her from the world outside. She wonders if there are any animals here or if they're staying far away from her, not used to the presence of humans and staying clear.
There are large rocks along a small creek. It's flowing nicely, so at least they have a shot at a water source, though drinking it without purifying it would have to be a last resort move. She wasn't a girl's scout, but she knew you don't drink water from the outdoors without boiling it.
Another problem to the list, she guesses. Dehydration. As if starvation wouldn't be enough.
She walks to the water, foliage abundant around her as she does. She sits on her knees and pools water in her palms, splashing it into her face in an attempt to calm herself and all her rising emotions.
She closes her eyes, breathing deeply. Her lip starts to quiver, resisting her demand to keep it together. Her heart beats fast, breathes becoming rapid, and it starts to feel like she needs to take big gulps to stay alive. Like she needed to break the surface after her lungs begin to burn and burst with pressure. Like she was going to drown.
"Kiara!" She hears her name being called from the beach.
She's startled out of her panic, cupping more water and continuing to splash it on her face until she feels confident that it doesn't look like she's been crying.
Once back at shore, she sees Sarah first. The blonde haired girl is clearly looking for her, relief evident when she spots her, and she begins to jog towards her.
"Hey, where were you?" Sarah asks. "Thought we lost you."
"I found water," she reports, signaling behind her.
"Cool, John B found a cave we can use as a shelter," Sarah says.
"Nice," she says, forcing happiness in her tone.
Sarah leads them up the shore, and with every step Kiara is forcing her attention on the way her feet feel in the dry sand. Guess that's a good sign. Hopefully that means the tide won't be sweeping them out. The cave is large, and deep enough to give them shelter from the wind and no doubt rain.
Sarah explains as much as she's giving her the grand tour. The new girl, Cleo, has begun to gather wood for a fire and Pope and John B have started bringing in palm trees to use as mats for sleeping.
"We can start weaving later," Sarah explains. "But this will at least keep some sand out of our hair."
"It's great," Kiara says, with no real emotion.
"Are you okay?" Sarah asks, eye becoming a little more concerned as she notices Kiara's lack of reaction to their surroundings. At that moment JJ is walking into the cave, two coconuts in his hands, her shirt over his shoulder. It's hard for her to not look at the wound. Or him in general.
"Yeah, fine," Kiara says. "Just a little out of it."
Sarah nods in understanding. "Yeah? You need to rest a bit, babe?" she asks.
Kiara watches JJ turn towards them, curiosity being peaked by the conversation. Kiara has no intention of talking about this, let alone with JJ right there. She clears her throat.
"No," she answers. "I'm gonna go find some coconuts."
JJ watches her go, eyes trailing after her, long after she's gone.
——————————————————————
The fire is a warm welcome after the ship wreck of a day they've had. Overall, they were doing pretty good for day one. They had a shelter, fire, a water source, and several coconuts. They'd make tools for hunting and figure out a way to boil water tomorrow and then they would be able to make their stay on Poguelandia way more survivable.
No one says anything as they take turns drinking from the coconut John B was able to break open. The sky darkens and soon they are all laying in a circle around the fire, falling into sleep before even recognizing the need to say good night.
It was a long day.
Kiara watches as one by one they all fall. She herself, can't seem to find slumber the way the rest can. She sat next to Sarah, and Cleo flanked her on her left. Beside Sarah is John B. He has a protective arm around his girlfriend and it makes Kiara smile. Next to Cleo is Pope, who is open mouth snoring. That makes her roll her eyes.
In between Cleo and John B, is JJ. Almost directly across the fire from her. They were catching glances all night. Or really he was trying to catch hers, and she was avoiding it. She didn't know why. It felt like she was under a microscope.
Maybe it was her feelings making her question everything. When JJ went over the railing of the cargo ship, she thought he died. When she dove in the water, she was expecting to find him breathless. She had watched him get hacked by a machete after all. When she pulled his face up and felt his heart still beating under her palm, she couldn't let him go.
Her mind goes over it again and again. How she almost lost him, how she almost couldn't do it. How the water almost took them both because she was losing her strength.
And now he's watching her. Like he knew something was off and couldn't put a finger on it. But if she knew JJ, she knew he would at least try to figure it out. Or maybe he already knew? Had someone said something to him? Told him what happened when he went overboard?
No, that couldn't be it. Really, Kiara hadn't even told anyone herself. Of course everyone knew it was her that pulled him out of the water. JJ himself had to be able to make that guess based on the no doubt last thing he remembered, but no one really knew how long they had been floating there, sinking, being thrashed by waves...drowning.
It was hard to think about, let alone put words to. It was too painful. She doesn't plan on telling anyone about it. Somethings are better kept to yourself. Easier to push them away. And that's all she wants. To forget it ever happened. She didn't almost lose her best friend. That didn't happen.
It did though. And forgetting about it was proving nearly impossible throughout the night. She tosses and turns on the palm branch for hours. At points she stokes the fire, watches the stars, and then attempts sleep once more. It became a cycle, one she repeats over and over. She's certain she's just going to have to sleep during the day, when suddenly, her eyelids are no longer able to stay open, and she is out.
As fortunate as she is to have found sleep, it isn't remotely peaceful. She's plagued with endless water and darkness. And when she wakes, it's from the sensation of falling from the top of the cargo ship deck.
It's barely light out, but no one is awake. No one except, JJ. He's sitting across the dwindling fire, and she holds his eyes from between the dying flames. Was he watching her sleep? Watching her dream? Or nightmare?
He doesn't say anything about it if he noticed, and she's thankful for that. Instead he nods, indicating that she follow him out of the cave. She looks around at the others, whom are sleeping like the dead. He's already out side the cave when she makes her move to follow.
The early morning light is soft, the sky a pale blue, and clouds stroked over the sky.
When she catches up to him, they continue walking down the beach, in silence. It makes her anxious. JJ was never really quiet. Not like this. This feels like something is on his mind. Like he wanted to say something, do something?
It's the not knowing that makes it more difficult. There was something between them. She's felt it since the shipping container, probably before that. If she wanted to get super ugly she could pin point it to after she and Pope slept together.
That was when she really figured it out. How it wasn't what she wanted. How it wasn't who she wanted. God, that boat ride after. Embarrassing.
She knows that's fucked up. She should have known what she was doing before then. Maybe she even did. Or she'd like to think she did. Would that be better than having absolutely no idea how to deal with the feelings that were growing for her best friend?
As they are continuing to walk in the sand, getting further and further away from their sleeping friends, she's not sure. All she knows is it makes her a terrible person, and there is no real way to deal with it. She hurt the fuck out of Pope and she couldn't risk doing that to JJ. She couldn't let herself do that.
"How's your head?"
JJ glances towards her, only slowing a second. "Good."
"Good," she agrees, quite quickly.
He chuckles. "Are you good?"
"Me?" She repeats. "Yeah, I'm good."
"Good."
She mentally twists her neck. Why was this so awkward? Nothing has even happened. Why was she feeling this way? Why did this feel like they were on the brink of something?
She glances at him. The wind picks up and his floppy hair blows out of his eyes. His movements beside her careful, keeping pace with her. Never letter her fall behind. And she has a burning desire ignite within her.
Why did she wanna risk everything?
"Hey, JJ."
"Hmm?" He says, looking at her.
She doesn't know what compels her. What makes her decide that this, yes this, would be the right thing to do. Because she knows, she knows that even as she knows she's going to do this, it's not the smart choice. It's a dumb choice. For a thousand reasons she'll evaluate later, but you know what?
She only hesitates after she reaches a hand to his neck, and it's only to glance at his mouth, before pressing her lips to his.
She's had this feeling before. It's when she found breath again. After she and JJ were pulled from the water. The relief she felt when he breathed, the safety, the longing. This is the feeling. The feeling that things would be alright, that she was doing the right thing.
This is when she really knew she was done for. It was one thing to be into someone. It was completely another to know you were fucked. And she was fucked in this moment.
Then there was panic again. Because holy shit she's kissing her best friend. What if he doesn't want her back? What if she's catching him completely off guard? What if this is the worst thing she can do?
She releases him, covering her mouth with her hands. "Oh my god," she says, horrified with her carelessness. "You have head trauma, I just—sorry," she says, putting her hands down and beginning to walk away.
Yeah, she can't be here. She can't do this. This is crazy. Maybe she could even convince him he was dreaming? Post concussion hallucination? She wasn't found of gaslighting, but if that's what it takes to keep her friendship with him, she's willing to take that chance.
Her heart stops when she feels him grab her wrist, demanding she stay. She has an apology on her lips, but that's not what JJ wants. He steps up to her, lips capturing her own.
Her breath is cut off this time, but it's not like she's drowning. She'd throw herself in this body of water repeatedly for this feeling. His hand cradles her head, while his other holds her waist against his. His mouth moving in tandem with her own, tongues intertwining in a gentle dance. So much softer than she thought he could be, yet exactly how he always is with her.
Free and strong and adventurous. A risk taker. Were they both taking a leap?