Work Text:
The kitchen is quiet and still when Usopp sneaks in there while the Going Merry is docked at a port for a quick supply run. He’s been assigned lookout for the ship along with Zoro, who’s up on the deck and actually—keeping a lookout.
Usopp has more important matters to attend to, however.
Sanji rarely, if ever, leaves the kitchen unattended like this. Even when he’s not physically in the kitchen, so long as he’s on the ship, he seems to have some kind of supernatural ability to sense if someone is up to something they’re not supposed to, touching something in here they shouldn’t be touching.
There’s not much the cook can do about it now, though, Usopp thinks happily as he enters the kitchen.
Grinning to himself, he immediately heads for the cupboard where he knows Sanji keeps the most treasured goods: the snacks.
He’s just eaten a bunch of dried mango slices and stuffed a bag of chocolate covered raisins in his pocket to keep for later when he hears the sound of distant voices, coming closer and closer.
“Shit,” he hisses to himself when he realizes it’s Zoro and Sanji. He closes the cupboard and ducks behind the kitchen island, scooting up close against it and holding his breath.
The door opens with a bang, a heated debate clearly already happening between the two men. It’s no surprise—they barely do anything but bicker and argue any chance they get, disagreeing on every little thing possible. Which Usopp tends to find hilarious, given that they’re an unstoppable synchronized force in battle, almost moving together as one when they choose to actually cooperate.
“I’m warning you,” Sanji’s voice comes right on the other side of where Usopp’s sitting hidden facing the ship’s table, “don’t you dare touch my—”
“How else am I supposed to deal with seeing your stupid face the rest of the day?” Zoro grunts. “I need a drink.”
“But you don’t need to get drunk on the best stuff I have when there’s perfectly terrible beer in the storage you can drown yourself in.”
“It’s not your stuff just because it’s in the kitchen, waiter, it’s the whole crew’s. And we’re still docked, go run and buy a bunch of new stuff while you have the chance.”
“Oh, sure, and you’ll pay for that, huh?” Sanji says as cupboards keep opening and closing, presumably from Zoro being on the hunt for something specific.
Usopp hunches in on himself and hugs his own knees, hoping they won’t round the corner and spot him.
“You will pay for it,” Zoro says, “as a reward for me staying here and keeping the ship safe while you’re all out sightseeing.”
Sanji scoffs. “Napping shirtless in the sun for hours is hardly something that warrants a reward.”
“The way you stare at me whenever I take my shirt off seems to be saying otherwise, waiter.”
There’s the swish of a limb moving through the air followed by a loud smack; judging by Zoro’s yelp of surprise, Usopp assumes Sanji just kicked him somewhere.
“You’re the one always staring at me.”
Usopp furrows his brows, because—wait, what? Who’s staring at whom, and why?
“I swear, cook, I will murder you—” Zoro’s threat gets interrupted by a loud clang as some kind of pot or pan must have hit the countertop and apparently some part of Zoro too as he yells out in pain. "Ow, fuck me!”
“No, thank you,” Sanji spits. “You couldn’t handle it.”
“Excuse me?” Zoro hisses.
“You,” a poking sound, like Sanji is emphasizing each word by jabbing his finger against Zoro’s chest, “heard. me. You couldn’t handle it.”
“Oh, I could take you,” Zoro says, still sounding just as venomous.
Usopp stares off into the void, trying to keep up with what the hell is going on. He must have misheard, misunderstood something, somewhere. They’re still talking about fighting, right?
Right?
“Bet you’d be the lousiest lay I’ve ever had, though,” Zoro continues. “You wouldn’t even know what to do with yourself.”
That’s—
That doesn’t sound promising.
Someone gets slammed up against something. “You wanna bet on that?” Sanji says, voice lower now.
No. No, no, no, no betting on that, Usopp shakes his head fervently to himself, willing his two feisty crewmates to agree with him on this.
“I bet,” Zoro hisses, “you couldn’t make a guy come even if you tried.”
Oh, hell no. There is no way Usopp is staying for this. He’ll take whatever consequences he has to face from sneaking into the kitchen over this any day. He’s just about to stand up and announce himself when another loud thud happens and then—moans, followed by the unmistakable sound of passionate kissing for a long moment as Usopp sits frozen in shock, unable to move.
“You’re the fucking worst,” Zoro whispers as they break apart, both panting for breath, before they’re quickly on each other again.
“We’ll see about that,” Sanji’s voice comes between kisses.
“Are you actually going to do something, or are you all talk?”
“Why don’t you shut up and start with putting those swords of yours away. Or are you going to make me do all the work myself, you overgrown weed?”
Usopp swears he feels his soul leave his body at Zoro’s carnal growl, even more so when there’s the sound of rustling fabric, the clink of a belt buckle getting undone before the leather is slid out of someone’s pants and dropped to the floor.
This isn’t happening.
It can’t be happening.
He is not listening to two of his closest friends banging. He has to leave, still wants to call out for them to pause, but it’s—it’s Zoro and Sanji, and they’re making out and are clearly about to—
Usopp is pretty sure they would both fight over who gets to kill him, then throw his body overboard as a bonding activity before the rest of the crew returns if they find out he’s heard all of what’s already happened.
Then again, staying where he is might just kill him anyway.
They’re still blocking the path to the door, though, and Usopp barely represses a squeak when Sanji’s tie comes flying over the counter, landing right in front of his feet.
“How do you wanna do this?” Sanji murmurs.
“Never done this before?” Zoro says. “Want me to draw you a picture with instructions on how it works? See, you take your dick and—”
“Fuck you,” Sanji hisses, but he sounds almost—amused? Fond? Usopp’s never heard him like this around Zoro before. Well, to be fair, he’s never heard him like this at all before, and he would’ve preferred to go his whole life without it, honestly. “I meant where we’re doing it, asshole. I’m not about to fuck you anywhere I put my food.”
“You’re the one convinced you’ll be able to show me a good time,” Zoro says with a breathless chuckle followed by the sound of another wet kiss. “Decide for yourself.”
For one small blessed moment as Usopp hears the sound of their feet moving against the floor, he thinks he might be lucky enough that they’re leaving to go find somewhere more appropriate for what they have in mind. Unfortunately for him, he quickly realizes they’re not walking out of the kitchen, but further into it, and he has to hurriedly shuffle on all fours to round one corner of the kitchen island to make sure he doesn’t get spotted by them.
Staring at the cupboards and kitchen sink now in front of his view, he hears Zoro’s back hit the wood of the opposite wall with a thud—evident by the sound of the small ‘oof’ following it.
“Against the wall, huh?” Zoro quickly recovers. “Sure you’ve got enough stamina for it, waiter?”
“I’d worry more about what you’re gonna be able to handle if I were you,” Sanji says and then kisses him with a pleased hum before adding, much gentler, “Wait here.”
Usopp freezes as he hears Sanji walking closer, sure this is the moment he’ll be found out as the cook stops at the side facing the windows. If Usopp rounds one more corner to his left he will be right in Zoro’s line of sight, but if Sanji were to move just even a little to his right, he must be able to spot him too.
There is nowhere for him to go, so Usopp does the only thing he can and sits still, praying for the best as drawers and cupboards keep opening until Sanji finds what he’s looking for with a triumphant noise.
Usopp slumps in relief when Sanji finally walks back to Zoro, but any sense of victory is quickly replaced once again by the need to come up with a plan to get himself out of the situation he’s somehow found himself in when the men start talking.
“You just keep that around in the kitchen?” Zoro asks about whatever Sanji went to grab.
“I know it’ll be left alone in here.”
What follows is the horrifying click of a bottle being uncapped before he hears a zipper opening and fabric getting pushed down.
“And...” Sanji says, Usopp wrinkling his nose when Zoro makes a choked back noise, and the cook sounds way too smug as he continues, “I bet you’re pretty happy about it now.”
Zoro hisses, then groans, and Sanji chuckles breathlessly.
“What was that about you being so sure I wouldn’t know how to make a guy feel good? I’m not even inside you yet.”
“Then what—hnf, do you think your fingers are doing right now?” Zoro bites back.
“My apologies, my dick isn’t even inside you yet.”
Usopp puts a hand over his mouth so as not to gag.
It’s nice that they apparently don’t actually hate each other or whatever, but it doesn’t mean he wants to listen to them releasing all that pent up hostility in this way.
He glances towards the door again. The path towards it is technically free now. Even if they would see him, maybe he could run for all he’s worth, sprint right up to the deck and dive into the water, then swim away as fast and far away as possible. Change his identity and start a new life somewhere they wouldn’t be able to find him. Write his sweet Kaya and maybe get her to join up with him. He’d miss all of his fellow strawhat pirates, sure, and a life on the run from them doesn’t sound ideal, but—
Usopp’s thoughts get interrupted by Zoro telling Sanji, “You’d be so much hotter if you knew when to stop talking.”
“Same thing could be said for you, babe.”
They might both be onto something here, honestly, in Usopp’s opinion—they should both just stop talking and stop fucking and go back to not being able to be in the same room without plotting to murder each other.
“Call me babe again and I’ll stab you in your sleep, waiter.”
Okay, so it seems the murder plotting is still an active part of whatever weird thing they have going on between them, good to know.
“Just because it’s you doesn’t mean I’m going to compromise my integrity and give up on my gentlemanly ways.”
“Yeah, you’re a real gentleman like this with your dick out and about to fuck me,” Zoro mutters.
Sanji still just laughs before Usopp hears more shuffling around, and then Sanji’s asking, “Ready?”
“Just get to it already.”
Usopp grimaces and covers his ears, but can’t fully keep out the sound of what’s unmistakably Sanji pushing inside Zoro, and—oh god, he will never be able to erase this from his poor mind.
He looks up at the ceiling, swearing to any and all higher power that might be listening that he’ll never steal food ever, ever again if he can just get out of this without any further mental scarring.
Maybe—maybe he really can get to the door now when they’re both, erhm, busy. Even if he could somehow miraculously manage to sneak by, though, there would still be the issue of having to open it unnoticed.
Carefully, so carefully, he scoots to the side of the kitchen island, and dares to sneak a glance at the two men to see where exactly they’re located.
A choice he regrets the second he’s done it as he’s met with the sight of Sanji’s bare ass, shirtless with his suit pants pooled by his ankles. He’s holding Zoro up against the wall, the swordsman’s boots still on and leather pants only halfway down his thighs as he’s got his legs wrapped around Sanji’s waist, and—yup, yeah, okay, that is definitely the visual of Sanji fucking Zoro hard up against a wall to go along with the sounds of it, and Usopp’s going to spend the rest of his life trying to bleach everything about this from his mind.
He ducks behind the kitchen island again, closing his eyes. It can hardly get any worse than it is at this point, he tries to convince himself, so he might as well just tough it out and then find a way to pretend this never happened in the first place.
“Don’t think I hate you any less because of this,” Zoro hisses after a particularly loud groan.
“You seem to be enjoying yourself just fine,” Sanji’s breathless reply comes right before he fucks in extra hard, going by the choked back sounds that follow. “And it seems like I’m about to win your little bet.”
“Shut up,” Zoro’s voice hitches, not much anger left in him as he gets reduced to hiccupped moans with each hard slam of Sanji’s hips.
Usopp tries to come up with things to think about to distract himself.
He’s been working on a new kind of explosive lately—that’s exciting.
“I’m close,” Sanji says, as if speaking of explosives.
Usopp shudders.
Zoro’s voice is muffled like he’s hiding his face against Sanji’s neck when he whispers, far too softly, “Sanji...” before the sound of more kissing follows.
“Fuck, you’re pretty like this,” Sanji gets out, and Zoro fucking whines at it. “If I knew it’d finally get you to behave this nicely I would’ve fucked you a long time ago.”
Sanji hisses like Zoro did something that hurt, but apparently he’s still into it, since he quickly moans and kisses him again.
Usopp presses his palms to his cheeks, staring at a small spider making its way across the kitchen floor. He fully understands its urgency to flee. Screw pirates and marines and any other dangers on the sea, this is the reason he should have stayed in Syrup Village. He could be sitting at home right now with his Kaya, drinking tea and laughing. Maybe they could be the ones kissing and—ew. No. No way, never mind. No thinking about that when the background noise is Zoro and Sanji going to town on each other. Usopp shudders again.
Seriously, how long are those two going to be at it, anyway? At this rate someone else is going to come back and walk in on—
“Let go already,” Sanji hisses.
“You first,” Zoro spits back and Usopp wants to strangle both of them. They can’t seriously be making even this into a competition. At this rate he would’ve preferred watching them try to kill each other for the rest of their lives over this.
Thankfully, Zoro quickly has to eat his own words as his breath hitches even more, followed by a, “Fuck, Sanji, I—” and then there’s a moan louder than any of the ones before as he cries out.
Never in a million years could Usopp have guessed he’d ever be so happy to hear the sound of Zoro climaxing, but at least it means it’s over.
Well, any moment now, Usopp reminds himself, resigned to his fate as Sanji’s definitely still going at it.
It doesn’t take long however before next thing he knows, he hears what’s unmistakably Sanji coming too—surprisingly the cook is the one who’s much quieter in bed out of him and Zoro, a fact that Usopp hates himself and both of them and the whole world for now having knowledge of.
Please let them not linger around but just leave this cursed kitchen as soon as possible.
“So,” Sanji’s the first to break the silence after a long moment of the two of them just catching their breaths while making out some more. Somehow the idea of them willingly kissing each other is almost weirder to Usopp than the fact that they just fucked. “What was that again about me not being able to—?”
“Don’t ruin it,” Zoro quickly interrupts him.
There’s still not really any of the usual heat in his words, and both of them laugh breathlessly. Usopp listens to the beautiful sound of clothes being pulled on and zippers sliding up again, before Zoro adds, “Not a word of this to anyone, waiter.”
Sanji scoffs. “I should be the one telling you that. You’re the one who actually has something to brag about. I’d rather be stranded on a cliff at sea again than have anyone learn about what just happened.”
The two of them quickly fall into their usual bickering, until Zoro—wise and blessed Zoro—says, “Alright, let’s move already before someone walks in and suspects something and then we have to kill them.”
Yeah, that sure would be terrible, Usopp thinks with sweat breaking out on his forehead. Thankfully he hears their footsteps approaching and he quickly hurries around the kitchen island to face the windows again.
“I have to go find Usopp, anyway,” Sanji says as he opens the kitchen door. “I think he’s stolen some of my snacks, I saw there were some missing. Did you see him anywhere before?”
“Mm, nope,” Zoro says with a pleased little hum like he’s stretching his arms.
“Weird. I wonder where he’s gone.”
“He’s probably napping somewhere.”
“No, that’s just what you would be doing if you were unsupervised for two seconds.”
Whatever reply Zoro has for that is cut off by the sound of another kiss.
“...What was that for?” Zoro says as they break apart, confusion in his voice.
“Just getting a last one in before I’m going back to fighting you on sight.”
Despite all that’s just happened, it still manages to surprise Usopp to hear Zoro simply huff out a laugh in reply.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, waiter. You’ll be back begging me for more within a day.”
“I would rather—”
Their arguing voices trail off as they finally, finally head up to the deck of the ship, and Usopp flops down starfished on his back with a sigh so deep he feels it in his whole body. He just barely refrains from letting out a loud victory cheer of having survived this whole ordeal, and, more importantly, that it’s finally fucking over.
As soon as he can breathe normally again he shoots up on his feet, hurrying to put the packet of chocolate raisins back—just to fuck with Sanji once he inevitably questions Usopp about it and he can honestly deny it. He does pick up some more of the dried mango slices, though.
After all, he thinks to himself, he deserves it—and way more, honestly, after what he’s just been through.
Finally he hurries out, thankfully unseen, with a vow of his own to never, ever speak a word of this to anyone.