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Stede is fed up of receiving promotional texts from his local, frankly mediocre, pizza place. When he texts the number to stop them, he gets a digit wrong and accidentally meets someone who becomes very important to him.

Ed and Stede have both faced some really tough life stuff over the last few years, and this is a chance for both of them to find some peace and comfort with each other.

Or - What if they communicated?

Notes:

Thank you to CaptainSaphfics for beta reading!

This was inspired by the way a friend of mine texts with no capital letters and bearly any punctuation - each sentence is a new text. It can get pretty chaotic but I really like it!

Please check the tags as there is some heavy content matter in this.

Please get in contact if you want more CWs or to ask me about anything that worries you.

I wrote this in a day. The idea hopped into my mind and wouldn't leave until it was written.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Work Text:

🍕🐓🥠☕️🫂🤢🦋☹️😊🏳️🌈👨🏫🥺🦋👨🏫🥰👨❤️👨😦🍕🥵🥺👨❤️👨🦋

Day 1 - Saturday evening

07777123456: STOP

Day 2 - Sunday evening

07777123456: STOP

Day 3 - Monday evening

07777123456: STOP

Day 4 - Tuesday evening

07777123456: STOP

07777123456: Please just stop!

Ed: erm I think you might have the wrong number

07777123456: I just want the texts to stop.

07777123456: Please could you make them stop?

Ed: wrong number mate

07777123456: Wrong number?

Ed: yep

07777123456: How do I stop them then?

Ed: really wish I could help you mate

Ed: but I dunno what you're talking about

07777123456: Oh my gosh! I'm so so sorry! You're right, I've got the wrong number!

Ed: yeah I know

07777123456: Your number is one digit different!

Ed: that explains it then

Ed: wrong number

07777123456: I apologise again, I'm so sorry to have bothered you. I'm an idiot!

Ed: no worries

07777123456: I'm going to delete your number so you won't get any more messages from a random man. So sorry again!

Ed: bye random man

Ed: nice knowing you

Day 7 - Friday evening

Ed: hey

Stranger: Hi. Who's this?

Ed: Edward

Ed: but you can call me Ed

Ed: who's this?

Stranger: Stede.

Stede: I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Ed, especially as you seem like such a lovely person, but I think you have the wrong number.

Ed: I definitely haven't

Stede: I don't know an Edward. I really think it's a wrong number.

Ed: did you manage to stop the texts?

Stede: I'm sorry?

Ed: the texts you were asking me to stop the other day

Stede: Oh my gosh! It's you! I deleted your number! I thought you would have deleted mine too.

Ed: shit

Ed: sorry, I was going to but then I didn't

Ed: yeah, it’s weird isn’t it?

Ed: I should have deleted it

Ed: I'll delete it

Ed: sorry mate

Stede: No!

Stede: No, don't delete it. Seems silly to delete it now.

Ed: really?

Stede: Really.

Stede: And yes, I stopped the texts. Thank you so much for asking Ed.

Ed: glad to hear it

Ed: where were the texts from?

Stede: Oh, just a local pizza restaurant. I ordered a frankly mediocre margarita from there two weeks ago and they immediately started bombarding me with daily promotional texts!

Stede: Even if the pizza had been top notch, the texts on their own would have been enough to stop me ordering ever again.

Ed: you're a lunatic mate 😄

Stede🍕: Oh…

Ed: and I like it

Stede🍕: Oh! 😊

Ed: I'm glad you sorted it

Stede🍕: Me too.

Stede🍕: Ed?

Ed: yes mate

Stede🍕: Are you okay?

Ed: I’m good

Ed: take care mate

Stede🍕: Goodnight Ed.

Day 12 Tuesday - early morning

Ed: you up?

Stede🍕: Ed! Hi! So nice to hear from you again. Yes, I’m up.

Ed: are you always up this early?

Stede🍕: Most days, yes. I’m a bit of an early bird.

Stede🐓: Are you?

Ed: more of a night owl myself

Stede🐓: What’s got you up so early this morning then?

Stede🐓: If you want to tell me.

Stede🐓: You don’t have to, of course.

Stede🐓: Just if you want to.

Ed: no particular reason

Ed: have a good day mate

Stede🐓: You too, Ed. It was so nice to hear from you again. 🙂

Day 15 - Friday evening

Ed: just ate a frankly mediocre margarita pizza and thought of you

Stede🐓: Oh! Well that’s not the worst thing that’s ever made someone think of me!

Stede🐓: Did you order in?

Ed: yeah

Ed: usually go for a meat feast or spicy chicken or something, but had the urge for margarita

Stede🐓: I suppose you’ll stick to your usual order next time will you?

Ed: dunno

Ed: nice to try something different for a change

Ed: gets a bit boring always doing the same old thing

Stede🐓: Have you got company for the evening?

Ed: no it’s just me

Ed: sorry I should have asked if you were busy

Ed: I’ll let you go

Ed: you probably have Friday night plans

Stede🐓: No plans. Just me and a pile of takeaway menus to choose between.

Ed: what are you thinking?

Stede🐓: Maybe Chinese. There’s a really nice place in town, they take ages to deliver and it’s not cheap, but it’s delicious.

Ed: love Chinese

Ed: wish I’d had that instead now

Ed: what’s your usual?

Stede🐓: I usually get the mixed hors d'oeuvres for two.

Ed: … and?

Stede🥠: No, just that. Sometimes some special fried rice. The starters are the best bits, and I get to have several different things. It’s like a little buffet for one.

Ed: that’s fucking genius mate

Ed: I’m doing that next time

Ed: buffet for one sounds a bit sad though mate

Stede🥠: Yes. I agree. Delicious but sad.

Ed: 😂

Ed: where is everyone?

Stede🥠: Everyone who?

Ed: how come you’re on your own?

Stede🥠: Oh. I live alone.

Ed: can I ask how old you are?

Ed: just occurred to me I might be talking with a teenager or something

Stede🥠: Oh God no! I’m 41. And you?

Ed: well what do you know

Ed: I’m 42

Stede🥠: Wow! We're practically twins.

Ed: 😂

Ed: so glad you’re not like 15 or something

Stede🥠: Yes, that wouldn’t be ideal would it?

Ed: have you ordered?

Stede🥠: Yes. Delivery will be a while though.

Ed: any plans for while you wait?

Stede🥠: Well I was going to rewatch my favourite TV show. The first three episodes of the new season were released this week.

Ed: well don’t let me keep you

Stede🥠: Actually I’m quite enjoying chatting with you. And I have already seen the episodes five times already.

Ed: 5???

Stede🥠: I know. I’m a big fan.

Stede🥠: Will you keep me company while I wait? It’s actually really nice to have another person to talk to for once.

Ed: yeah ok

Stede🥠: So if you weren’t keeping a hungry man company, what would you be doing right now?

Ed: probably drinking way too much

Ed: maybe a movie

Ed: usual Friday night stuff

Ed: might get a beer actually

Ed: what are you drinking?

Stede🥠: No alcohol for me tonight I’m afraid.

Ed: oh go on! It’s Friday night!

Ed: let your hair down!

Ed: treat yourself

Ed: you deserve it

Ed: probably

Stede🥠: I don’t drink.

Ed: oh shit

Ed: sorry mate

Ed: I feel like a dick now

Stede🥠: It’s okay. You weren’t to know.

Ed: no but I shouldn’t have assumed

Ed: I’m sorry mate

Stede🥠: Honestly, it’s fine. I’m used to it. I’ve got a rather lovely English rose flavoured tea. My absolute favourite.

Ed: think I fancy a cup of tea now

Ed: gonna stick the kettle on

Stede☕: Ed, you don’t have to drink tea just because I am! You have your beer!

Ed: nah, I want tea now

Ed: I drink too much beer anyway

Ed: do me good to have a break

Stede☕: So how come you’re not out on a Friday night?

Ed: oh you know

Ed: too old for all that shit

Ed: and I don't really have anyone to hang out with anymore

Stede☕: Really?

Ed: sorry man, didn’t mean to overshare

Ed: forget I said anything

Stede☕: It’s okay Ed. If you need to talk, I’m happy to listen.

Ed: it wouldn’t be weird to share personal stuff with a stranger?

Stede☕: I mean you know something pretty significant about me. I might not have told you the reason I don’t drink, but I’m pretty sure you can probably take a fairly accurate guess.

Ed: I don’t wanna presume

Stede☕: Everyone presumes something or other. It’s okay.

Stede☕: I’m trying to say that if you need to talk, I’m a good listener.

Ed: ok

Ed: it would be nice to get a few things out

Ed: I don't have any friends to talk to

Stede☕: I’m your friend Ed.

Ed: thanks mate

Ed: long story short, I got out of a difficult relationship about a year ago

Ed: it was really hard to get out of

Ed: it was abusive and I was isolated and I lost all of my friends because of it

Ed: I’m just starting to want to get back out into the world

Ed: but it’s so fucking hard you know?

Ed: because I don’t know anyone anymore

Ed: haven’t had to try making new friends since I left school

Ed: not sure how to even start

Ed: it’s fucking lonely

Ed: sorry if that’s too much to share mate

Stede☕: Of course it’s not too much. I’m just sorry to hear you’ve been through such a hard time. You’ve been really brave. I know how hard it can be to get out of an abusive relationship.

Ed: you too?

Stede☕: Not in the same way as you. Does she live near you? You don’t still have to see her do you?

Stede☕: You don’t have to answer my questions of course. Apologies if I’m pushing you somewhere you don’t want to go.

Ed: it’s fine

Ed: kinda nice to feel like someone cares enough to ask me about it if I’m honest

Stede☕: I do care.

Ed: thanks mate

Ed: anyway, it was a he

Ed: he’s gone back to the States

Ed: so I don’t have to see him

Ed: I’ve blocked him everywhere but he does still find the occasional way to contact me

Stede🫂: I’m sorry I assumed. And I’m sorry you still have to deal with him contacting you.

Ed: he’s very persuasive

Ed: very good at gaslighting

Ed: hasn’t caught me out yet since I kicked him out but I still worry he might catch me in a moment of weakness one day

Stede🫂: Oh Ed. That must be so hard for you. I really admire how strong you are.

Ed: shit man, you’re gonna make me cry

Stede🫂: Oh! I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to!

Ed: nah, it’s fine mate

Ed: appreciate you listening to me

Ed: been a while since I’ve had anyone to talk to

Ed: thank you

Stede🫂: No need to thank me Ed. I meant it when I said I’m your friend.

Stede🫂: Oh, my food is here, give me a few moments to get it sorted and I’ll be right back.

Ed: I’ll let you get on with your meal in peace mate

Ed: thanks again for listening to me

Ed: for being my friend

Ed: appreciate it

Ed: think I’m gonna hit the sack

Ed: message me tomorrow?

Ed: if I haven’t put you off

Ed: have a good night Stede

Ed: 💜

Stede🫂: Ed, it’s been wonderful to chat with you this evening. I get lonely too.

Stede🫂: Of course I will message you tomorrow.

Stede🫂: Sweet dreams, my friend 💜

Day 16 - Saturday lunch time

Stede🫂: Hi Ed! I hope you slept well! I’m just about to sit down to a plate of leftover Chinese for lunch!

Ed: hey mate

Ed: I slept really well actually

Ed: how well does prawn toast heat up the next day?

Stede🫂: Oh I’m not heating it up. I’m having it cold.

Ed: cold?

Ed: you lunatic! that’s gross!

Stede🤢: It’s delicious!

Stede🤢: What are you up to this weekend Ed?

Ed: not much

Ed: got a drawing I’ve been working on so I’ll fiddle about with that I suppose

Ed: you?

Stede🤢: I’m going on a nature walk today to try and spot a swallowtail butterfly. They’re my favourite but they’re pretty rare.

Stede🦋: Do you like nature Ed?

Ed: don’t spend as much time as I should in nature

Ed: if it’s not weird, can I ask if you’re in Norfolk?

Stede🦋: Yes, I am! That’s some good butterfly knowledge you have there, Ed! Have you ever seen a swallowtail?

Ed: are you near the coast?

Stede🦋: Yes. I hope you will let me tell you the story of why I moved here some time. I would like to share it with you but it will bring the mood down and I’m enjoying a happy chat with you. Is that okay?

Ed: of course it’s ok mate

Ed: and I’ll tell you why I haven’t seen a swallowtail

Stede🦋: Okay! That sounds fair.

Stede🦋: What’s your drawing of Ed?

Ed: a pirate ship

Ed: I love the sea

Stede🦋: Oh my gosh! Did I tell you about the TV show I’m obsessed with? It’s about pirates!

Ed: love pirates!

Ed: I’ve been sketching the ship for a while

Ed: I’m going to paint it eventually I think

Stede🦋: I’d love to see your work sometime Ed. Would you show me some?

Ed: I’m not very good mate

Stede🦋: I don’t believe that. Do you enjoy it?

Ed: yeah I love it

Stede🦋: Then you’re good.

Ed: are you going on your nature walk by yourself?

Stede🦋: Yes. Apart from not knowing anyone who’d put up with me pointing out all the insane foliage and interesting bugs, I made myself a promise that I’d get out into nature at least once a week. I haven’t missed a week yet!

Ed: how long ago did you decide that?

Stede🦋: About five years.

Ed: that’s impressive man

Stede🦋: I don’t know about that Ed. But I do get a lot out of it.

Ed: good for you mate

Stede🦋: Well, I’ll let you get on with your art. I’m going to head out soon.

Ed: good luck with your hunt

Ed: let me know how you get on

Ed: 💜

Stede🦋: 💜

Day 16 - Saturday evening

Ed: how’d the butterfly hunt go?

Stede🦋: Oh, hi Ed! It went very well actually. I managed to see 3 adult swallowtails, and I found a chrysalis which should be emerging anytime now.

Ed: so cool

Ed: I’m really glad you found what you were looking for

Stede🦋: How about your day? Did your art go well?

Ed: eh… kinda?

Ed: I finally got a composition I like so I started sketching it out on a canvas

Stede🦋: Oh that’s great Ed! I really hope you will show me your finished piece one day.

Stede🦋: My ex-wife is an artist, and while I can’t pretend to know much about art, I can certainly appreciate the work and passion that goes into it.

Ed: ex-wife huh?

Stede🦋: Yeah. That’s another one of those stories that will bring the mood down, so let’s add it to the collection of things to talk about another time.

Ed: sure

Ed: the list is building 😂

Stede🦋: Hey Ed?

Ed: yeah?

Stede🦋: Can I ask you something? Something personal?

Ed: ok

Stede🦋: You don’t have to answer obviously. It’s just that seeing that chrysalis made me think about new beginnings, transformations and things.

Ed: ask me

Stede🦋: Okay. First of all, forgive me, because I don’t know the right words to use. I don’t want to offend you or anything, I honestly just don’t know the words. So please correct me and I’ll learn.

Ed: ok…

Stede🦋: Well… You’re obviously… not straight. And I just wanted to ask how you knew that. And maybe when you knew that. Also how did you come out? Did it go well?

Ed: well firstly… “not straight” 🤣

Ed: you can say queer if you don’t know what brand of “not straight” someone is

Stede🦋: I do know that. I know that it has some negative associations with it though, especially for us older guys. I didn’t want to presume.

Ed: you can use queer with me

Stede🦋: Thank you Ed.

Ed: anyway, you basically want my whole life story then?

Stede🦋: Oh god, it was too much to ask, wasn’t it? I’m so sorry Ed! I didn’t mean to make things weird, or to make you feel awkward! Please just forget I asked! It was so rude of me! We barely know each other! I’m so sorry!

Ed: I’m joking Stede

Ed: it’s fine

Ed: I’m happy to share

Stede🦋: Are you sure?

Ed: yeah

Ed: it’s not something I hide

Stede🦋: Oh, I didn’t mean to imply it might be! I’m making a real mess of this aren’t I? I’m so sorry Ed. We can just leave it if you want to.

Ed: nah mate!

Ed: you’re fine

Ed: now shut up and let me get a word in!

Stede🦋: 🤐

Ed: good

Ed: I describe myself as gay, but lately I’ve been thinking it might actually be a bit broader than that

Ed: never actually put this into words before to be honest

Ed: definitely still towards the masculine end of the scale though

Stede🦋: Thank you for sharing that with me Ed.

Ed: I’m demisexual as well

Stede🦋: What’s that mean?

Ed: well I’m only sexually attracted to someone after I start having feelings for them

Ed: I don’t fancy people just from looking at them

Ed: took me a lot longer to work that out than it did to realise I was gay

Stede🦋: That’s a thing? I’ve never heard of that before.

Ed: it’s definitely a thing

Stede🦋: Oh god…

Ed: you alright mate?

Stede🦋: Yeah

Stede🦋: I just

Stede🦋: I think I

Stede🦋: Can we pause this conversation here Ed? I need some time to think about things. I really appreciate you sharing so honestly with me when I’m essentially just a random stranger on the end of a phone.

Stede🦋: I really would like to resume this topic again in the future if you’re amenable.

Ed: sure mate

Stede🦋: I’ll message you. Thanks again for being so candid with me.

Ed: I mean I barely said anything

Ed: but you’re welcome

Ed: take care man

Ed: here if you need me

Ed: night Stede

Ed: 💜

Stede🦋: 💜

Day 17 - Sunday lunch time

Ed: hey mate

Ed: an orange butterfly just went past my kitchen window and made me think of you

Day 17 - Sunday early evening

Ed: hope you’re alright mate

Day 17 - Sunday night

Ed: hope I didn’t say anything that put you off

Ed: missed chatting with you today

Ed: trying not to overthink things

Ed: night mate

Ed: 💜

Day 17 - Sunday late night

Stede☹️: 💜

Day 18 - Monday extremely early morning

Stede☹️: Ed, I just want to say I’m so sorry for the radio silence yesterday. I had a lot on my mind, and I didn’t think about how it might appear to you if I just stopped talking. I put my phone upstairs and had some quiet time to myself. So I’m really sorry if that made you worry or feel bad.

Stede☹️: I have a long day at work today and I won’t be able to access my phone until I’m home. Also I have a meeting this evening so I’ll be out of contact again for a couple of hours. But I promise I’ll message you when I get home and before I go out again.

Stede☹️: I hope you have a good day Ed.

Stede☹️: 💜

Day 18 - Monday late morning

Ed: 💜

Ed: appreciate the explanation

Ed: I did overthink things a bit when you stopped replying

Ed: but I totally get that you needed some space

Ed: so no need to apologise

Ed: you’re not obliged to chat to me

Ed: it’s just hard sometimes to trust other people because of my past

Ed: but that’s not your problem

Ed: I hope your day is going well

Day 18 - Monday lunch time

Stede😊: I actually took a lunch break today so I could check my phone!

Stede😊: Thank you for replying to me.

Stede😊: I don’t have long, but I just wanted to say that I would like to share something with you that I haven’t told anyone before. Not even myself really. Would that be okay?

Stede😊: I have to go now, but I’ll message again when I get home. Hope you’re having a good day.

Day 18 - Monday afternoon

Ed: of course

Ed: you can share anything with me

Ed: kinda feel honoured you want to tell me something if I’m honest

Ed: I’ve been on a nature walk today

Ed: nothing too special, just to a local nature reserve

Ed: you inspired me

Ed: it was so refreshing

Ed: I should do it more often

Day 18 - Monday early evening

Stede😊: I’m so glad you got out into nature!

Ed: me too

Ed: it was great

Ed: how was your day at work?

Stede😊: Pretty good. Long though.

Stede😊: So… I owe you my explanation.

Ed: you don’t owe me anything mate

Stede😊: I want to give you my explanation then. Is that okay?

Ed: course it is

Stede😊: Okay. When you talked about being demisexual, my whole life just seemed to come into focus. Like I didn’t even really realise how blurry it had all been up to then. I’ve always known something didn’t fit right, things didn’t quite make sense. And you hit the nail on the head.

Stede😊: I realised I’m demisexual too. I’d never even heard of it before. But it makes perfect sense to me. So I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, because you’ve helped me make a really significant realisation about my life. 🥲

Ed: fuck Stede 🥲

Ed: I dunno what to say

Ed: I’m so fucking happy for you

Ed: and so proud of you

Ed: and so honoured you picked me to tell first

Ed: 🥲

Stede😊: Oh, and I’m gay too.

Ed: what??? did you just realise that too?

Stede🏳️🌈: Kind of. I suppose I’ve always known really, but it was a lot easier to deny because I don’t feel attracted to people easily. I’ve never said it before though.

Ed: fucking hell mate

Ed: I’m literally in tears

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh Ed! Don’t cry!

Ed: can’t help it mate

Ed: I’m honestly so happy for you

Stede🏳️🌈: You’ve set me off now!

Ed: fuck!

Ed: just so happy I might get to see you come out of your chrysalis and start living your best life 🦋

Stede🏳️🌈: 😭😭😭

Stede🏳️🌈: I really wish I had more time to chat with you Ed, but I do have to run. Will you be okay?

Ed: yeah, I’ll be fine

Ed: I’m just so proud of you mate

Stede🏳️🌈: Thank you Ed. You are a wonderful friend. I’ll be back from the meeting late, but I’ll message you then and if you’re still up, great, but if not maybe we could chat again tomorrow?

Ed: I’ll be up

Ed: 💜

Stede🏳️🌈: 💜

Day 18 - Monday evening

Ed: hey Fang

Fang: Hey. Who’s this?

Ed: it’s Ed

Fang: Ed Teach?

Ed: yeah

Ed: sorry, got a new number

Ed: should have said

Fang: Haven’t heard from you in years. How are you doing buddy?

Ed: split up with Jack…

Fang: Oh… again? Not sure what to say man.

Ed: you can say congratulations

Ed: it was over a year ago now

Fang: Proper split up then?

Ed: yeah

Ed: should have done it years ago

Fang: Congratulations. So pleased that sack of shit is finally out of your life.

Ed: thanks Fang

Ed: look, I wanted to apologise

Ed: been wanting to get in touch for so long

Fang: Why didn’t you?

Ed: felt so shit about the way I behaved

Ed: I don’t deserve to have you back in my life after everything

Ed: and I’ll understand if you don’t want me to contact you again

Fang: Don’t be a dick man.

Fang: We all saw what he did to you. We tried to intervene but he had his claws in you too tight.

Ed: you saw?

Fang: I know you thought you hid the bruises but you didn’t do that good a job.

Ed: shit

Fang: Yeah.

Fang: It was hard when you were constantly defending him, but I get it. He was gaslighting you.

Ed: yeah

Ed: so fucking much

Ed: still trying to get my head round it all

Ed: still wake up at night remembering things he said or did and realising it was all bollocks

Fang: Fuck man. He’s an absolute fucking dick.

Ed: yeah

Fang: Where is he now?

Ed: he went back to the States

Ed: dunno if he’s still there

Fang: I’m glad you got out man. Must have been really hard.

Ed: yeah

Ed: it was

Ed: still is

Ed: I wanted to thank you

Fang: What for?

Ed: trying to help

Ed: I can see now what you were trying to do

Ed: I couldn’t at the time because Jack twisted it

Ed: he ended up isolating me from everyone

Ed: will you accept my apology?

Fang: Sure man. You were a massive dick, but I get why.

Ed: I’ve got a lot of amends to make, but I think I’m ready to do that now

Ed: I need my friends back

Fang: Have you spoken to your mum?

Ed: no

Ed: you must know that

Fang: Yeah. She would have said.

Ed: I’m going to

Ed: I just need a bit more courage

Fang: She’d love to hear from you. I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.

Ed: how is she?

Fang: Don’t ask me man. I said I won’t be the go-between and I still mean it. You talk to her.

Ed: I know

Ed: I’m sorry man

Fang: The gang is meeting up on Thursday for some drinks at Jackies. You wanna come?

Ed: I dunno man

Ed: can’t imagine the others will want to see me

Ed: who’s going?

Fang: Ivan, Archie, Jim, Frenchie

Ed: not Izzy?

Fang: Yeah and Izzy. Left him off the list so it didn’t put you off!

Fang: You should come. I’m sure they’d be glad to have the old Ed back.

Ed: I don’t think I am the old Ed anymore

Ed: don’t know if I can ever be him again

Fang: Well, whoever you are now, we’d be glad to have you back.

Ed: do you think they’ll accept my apology?

Fang: Might take more than an apology for Izzy. But I think the rest will. They’ll be glad to know you’re ok.

Fang: Want me to add you to the group chat?

Ed: nah, not yet

Ed: might be a bit too much too fast

Fang: Think about Jackie’s then. Thursday, about 7:30. Usual table.

Ed: thanks Fang

Day 18 - Monday night

Stede🏳️🌈: Ed? Are you still up?

Ed: yep

Ed: it’s not that late

Ed: hope your meeting was good

Stede🏳️🌈: It was actually. Very helpful.

Stede🏳️🌈: You can ask you know.

Ed: ask what?

Stede🏳️🌈: What my meeting was. It’s probably what you think it was.

Ed: you don’t know what I think it was

Ed: maybe I think it was the local crochet club AGM

Ed: or your neighbourhood watch meeting

Stede🏳️🌈: 😂

Stede🏳️🌈: Is that what you think?

Ed: no

Ed: I think it might have been an AA meeting

Stede🏳️🌈: It was.

Ed: how long have you been going?

Ed: if it’s ok for me to ask

Stede🏳️🌈: You can ask me anything. Doesn’t mean I’ll always answer but feel free to ask.

Stede🏳️🌈: About five and a half years.

Ed: I’m noticing a theme with that 5 years thing

Stede🏳️🌈: Well spotted!

Ed: how often do you go?

Stede🏳️🌈: Mondays and Thursdays. Used to be more. Sometimes I do go more. When it gets hard.

Ed: fuck

Ed: you must be such a strong person mate

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh, I don’t think I agree with that. Wouldn’t have got into the mess I did if I was.

Ed: yeah but you’re fixing it

Ed: that takes real strength

Stede🏳️🌈: Same as you.

Ed: oh fuck

Ed: you trying to make me cry again?

Stede🏳️🌈: Sorry Ed!

Ed: so I was inspired by your bravery earlier

Ed: and I got back in touch with an old friend who I treated really shit when I got with Jack

Ed: he cut me out of his life because of how I behaved

Ed: I apologised to him and I think it went well

Stede🏳️🌈: Is Jack your ex?

Ed: yeah

Stede🏳️🌈: I’m so happy you were brave. That must have taken a lot of guts. How are you feeling about it?

Ed: a little bruised if I’m honest

Ed: I was shaking when I was messaging him

Ed: he invited me out with the old gang

Stede🏳️🌈: Wow! That’s great Ed! Are you going to go?

Ed: I dunno yet

Ed: there will be a lot of people there that I need to apologise to

Ed: and one who I don’t think will ever accept my apology

Stede🏳️🌈: You don’t have to do it yet though, if you’re not ready.

Ed: I think I might be

Ed: I can’t put it off forever

Stede🏳️🌈: If there’s anything I can do to support you with any of it, please let me know Ed.

Ed: oh here come the waterworks again!

Ed: you can’t just say things like that man!

Stede🏳️🌈: I’m sorry! I do mean it though.

Stede🏳️🌈: I’m proud of you.

Ed: fucking hell we’re a couple of saps

Stede🏳️🌈: 🤣

Stede🏳️🌈: I’ve always been a sap. Have you?

Ed: only in secret

Stede🏳️🌈: I would love it if you would continue your story about your coming out some time, if that’s still okay with you Ed. Maybe not now, as it’s getting late and I know you’ve had an emotional evening.

Ed: we can do it now if you want

Ed: I don’t mind

Stede🏳️🌈: Really? Are you sure?

Ed: yeah

Ed: always knew I liked boys then when I knew there was a word for that I knew I was gay

Ed: mum was disappointed when I told her

Stede🏳️🌈: Did she say that?

Ed: yeah

Stede🏳️🌈: Oof. That must have been hard.

Ed: yeah it was

Ed: my piece of shit dad lost his fucking rag when he found out

Ed: he left not long after and I never saw him again

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh Ed! I’m so sorry.

Ed: nah, don’t be

Ed: he was a nasty bastard

Ed: me and mum were both relieved when he went

Ed: he didn't hurt us again after that

Stede🏳️🌈: Ed… You really don’t have to tell me all this if you don’t want to. I didn’t realise there would be so much trauma tied up in it.

Ed: it’s okay man

Ed: I don’t talk about it often but I feel comfortable telling you

Stede🏳️🌈: 🥲 I’m so glad you’re comfortable telling me things Ed.

Ed: anyway it’s good practice for when I start therapy

Stede🏳️🌈: You’re going to do therapy?

Ed: yeah

Ed: do you think that’s bad?

Stede🏳️🌈: No Ed! I think it’s wonderful! I can’t recommend it enough, and I’m sure that it will help you, even though it can be really hard.

Ed: you’ve done it?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes. Still do.

Ed: for the last five years?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes!! Well sussed!

Ed: I’m on the waiting list

Ed: should be getting my first appointment in the next few weeks

Stede🏳️🌈: You’re such a brave man Ed.

Ed: now you’re just trying to make me cry

Stede🏳️🌈: I’m really not Ed. I just have so much admiration for you.

Ed: no one’s ever said that before

Stede🏳️🌈: Doesn’t mean no one thinks it.

Ed: fuck

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh my lord, look at the time!

Stede🏳️🌈: Ed, I would love to stay up chatting to you for longer, but I really have to get to bed. I have work in the morning.

Ed: no problem mate

Ed: I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you again

Stede🏳️🌈: Me too Ed. You have no idea. And again, I’m just so proud of you!

Ed: I’m proud of you too man

Ed: if you’ve got time to chat tomorrow maybe you would tell me what you do for a living?

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh of course Ed. Yes, I’m free tomorrow after work if you are.

Ed: I’ve gotta run some errands but other than that I’m all yours

Ed: night Stede

Stede🏳️🌈: Good night Ed. Sweet dreams.

Ed: 💜

Stede🏳️🌈: 💜

Day 19 - Tuesday late afternoon

Lucius Spriggs: Hey Steeb! Where’ve you been?

Lucius Spriggs: Steeb??

Stede: Oh sorry Lucius, I was just driving home from work. I finished a little early today. How are you?

Lucius Spriggs: Oh you are alive!

Lucius Spriggs: Haven’t heard from you for a few days. Not even in the group chat.

Stede: Oh. I haven’t been anywhere… And I hardly ever put anything in the group chat.

Lucius Spriggs: No, but you at least read the messages. You’re a consistent lurker.

Lucius Spriggs: You haven’t opened the chat for days

Stede: How do you know that????

Lucius Spriggs: You can see who has read each message

Stede: Can you??

Lucius Spriggs: Yes! And you haven’t been in there for days.

Lucius Spriggs: So come on, what’s diverted your attention away from your loyal crew?

Stede: Nothing. There’s nothing. Honestly.

Lucius Spriggs: Stede. Old buddy. Old friend. Even over Whatsapp you’re a terrible liar.

Stede: I’m not lying.

Lucius Spriggs: Come on Stede. Don’t do this. If something is wrong, I’m here for you. We all are. And if you can’t reach out to us for help, we’ll reach out to you.

Stede: Nothing’s wrong Lucius. Really.

Lucius Spriggs: Have you been going to meetings?

Stede: Yes!

Lucius Spriggs: All of them?

Stede: Yes Lucius. Mondays and Thursdays. Look, I really appreciate your concern, but I’m honestly fine. Better than fine even.

Lucius Spriggs: 👀

Lucius Spriggs: There is something going on then!

Stede: What? No! What would make you think that? I said I’m fine!

Lucius Spriggs: No, you said better than fine. What’s making you better than fine?

Stede: Lucius! It’s nothing. Not really.

Lucius Spriggs: Oh my god! I knew there was something! What’s happened?

Stede: Can’t you give a man some privacy??

Lucius Spriggs: No! What a ridiculous question!

Lucius Spriggs: Look, if something good is happening for you, I just want to be happy for you. So come on…

Stede: It’s really nothing Lucius.

Lucius Spriggs: It’s not nothing if it’s got you ignoring us, and you’re this reluctant to talk about it.

Stede: But it’s so silly. You’ll think I’m an idiot.

Lucius Spriggs: Stede. I already think you’re an idiot.

Stede: Thanks…

Lucius Spriggs: I’ve been there for you through all kinds of crises. And whether or not I think you’re an idiot doesn’t come into it. You’re my friend. My idiot friend, and I’m here for you. So please let me share in your good stuff for once.

Stede: Do you promise you won’t laugh?

Lucius Spriggs: I can’t do that Stede. But if I do laugh, it will be a supportive, friendly laugh.

Stede: Not very reassuring…

Lucius Spriggs: Come on. Spill.

Stede: Oh… I don’t even know how to say it without making it sound bigger than it is. It really is such a silly little thing.

Lucius Spriggs: I can try and guess if you like?

Stede: I just don’t want you to read more into it than there is.

Lucius Spriggs: You’ve discovered a new type of beetle and they’re going to name it after you?

Stede: No! Although that would be amazing!

Lucius Spriggs: You’re going to be the next British person to go into space?

Stede: No Lucius!

Lucius Spriggs: You’ve met someone?

Lucius Spriggs: Stede?

Lucius Spriggs: Have you?

Lucius Spriggs: Have you met someone?

Lucius Spriggs: Stede!!!

Stede: 😳

Lucius Spriggs: OH MY GOD!!! YOU’VE FUCKING MET SOMEONE!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!!!!

Stede: Calm down Lucius! It’s not like that.

Lucius Spriggs: Not like what??? Either you’ve met someone or you haven’t! So have you?

Stede: Kind of…

Lucius Spriggs: Oh lord. I’m going to help you, and you can only give yes or no answers. Okay?

Stede: Well, I’m not sure how that would help.

Lucius Spriggs: Yes or no, Stede.

Stede: Oh okay. Yes.

Lucius Spriggs: Is the reason you haven’t been in the group chat or messaging me because you’ve been talking to someone else?

Stede: Sort of.

Lucius Spriggs: STEDE! Yes or no!

Stede: Yes then.

Lucius Spriggs: Okay. Well done Stede.

Stede: But it’s not what you think, Lucius!

Lucius: Yes or no only Stede! And how dare you presume to know what I think!!

Lucius Spriggs: Does talking to this person make you happy?

Stede: Yes.

Lucius Spriggs: Butterflies in the tummy sort of happy?

Lucius Spriggs: Stede?

Stede: Yes.

Lucius Spriggs: 😁

Lucius Spriggs: Have you met them irl?

Stede: What’s irl?

Luciuc Spriggs: Sigh. In real life.

Stede: Oh. No.

Lucius Spriggs: Hmm. Interesting. Have you physically spoken to them?

Stede: No.

Stede: What do you keep saying ‘them?’

Lucius Spriggs: Because I don’t know their gender. Keep up Stede. It’s 2023.

Stede: Oh. Okay.

Lucius Spriggs: Are you going to tell me their gender?

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: Not female then.

Lucius Spriggs: Stede?

Lucius Spriggs: If you’re not ready, then don’t answer that question. I won’t ask about that again unless you bring it up.

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: No?

Stede: No, not female.

Lucius Spriggs: Thanks Stede. I get that that was a big question to answer and I’m sorry if I pushed too hard. Do you want me to stop asking questions now?

Stede: You can continue.

Lucius Spriggs: Okay! So did you meet them online?

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: Interesting. So you haven’t met them irl but you didn’t meet them online? Hmm…

Lucius Spriggs: Did you meet them through a friend?

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: No, of course you didn’t. We’re your only friends.

Stede: Lucius!

Lucius Spriggs: I’m kidding Stede! This is curious. Do you communicate with them online even though you didn’t meet them that way?

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: What?? I’m so confused. You haven’t spoken to them in person, you didn’t meet them online and you don’t communicate online… How the hell else do people communicate??

Stede: 🤭

Lucius Spriggs: I mean you are old enough to still use text messages. It can’t be that though, can it?

Stede: Yes.

Lucius Spriggs: Text messages?? Not even Whatsapp? Texts???

Stede: Yes.

Lucius Spriggs: How the hell do you meet someone over text?!

Lucius Spriggs: Stede? That wasn’t rhetorical.

Stede: I can’t answer that with yes or no Lucius.

Lucius Spriggs: Oh you bitch!

Lucius Spriggs: So… you got someone’s phone number and just started texting them?

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: No??? I’m so fucking confused Stede! Will you just tell me?

Stede: Oh, I’m worried you’re making more out of this than there is.

Lucius Spriggs: Stede. You’ve met someone (somehow!) that makes you happy when you talk to them, and I just want to be happy for you. Whatever it is or isn’t or whatever it does or doesn’t become really doesn’t matter. You’ve found something that’s making you happy right now, and I’m happy for you.

Stede: Oh…

Stede: I hadn’t thought about it like that.

Lucius Spriggs: If you don’t want to tell me I’ll understand. And I’ll still be here if you ever decide you do.

Stede: You’re a good friend Lucius.

Stede: It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I’m just not sure what it is, and I don’t really know how to describe it.

Lucius Spriggs: Do you want to tell me how you met them?

Stede: It’s really bothering you that you can’t work it out, isn’t it?

Lucius Spriggs: Yes!! There aren’t any other ways to meet people!

Stede: Okay. I texted a wrong number to stop Oceanside Pizza from constantly sending me offers and I got him instead.

Lucius Spriggs: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? STEDE!!!!

Lucius Spriggs: That’s the most insane meet cute I’ve ever heard!!!! You have to let me buy the rights to the movie!!

Stede: Lucius! It’s not a meet cute!

Lucius Spriggs: It could be though…

Stede: It’s not.

Lucius Spriggs: You never know.

Stede: I don’t even know where he lives. He could be on the other side of the country for all I know.

Lucius Spriggs: Ask him then.

Stede: I can’t.

Lucius Spriggs: Why not?

Stede: Because he might be on the other side of the country.

Lucius Spriggs: Do you know what he looks like?

Stede: No.

Lucius Spriggs: You could ask for a photo?

Stede: I could. I’m enjoying just chatting with him for now.

Lucius Spriggs: Well, I’m really happy for you and your mystery not-pizza guy Stede.

Stede: Oh, I have some other news you might be interested in actually.

Stede: I’ve realised I’m demisexual.

Lucius Spriggs: OMG OMG OMG!!! STEDE I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!

Stede: And I’m gay.

Lucius Spriggs: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lucius Spriggs: Stede! This is massive! I don’t know what to say! I can’t believe you’ve finally realised!!!!!!

Stede: What do you mean finally???

Lucius Spriggs: It’s amazing news!!! Can I organise a coming out party for you? Please?? Pretty please???

Stede: No! Not yet anyway. I’ve only told you so far. And Ed.

Lucius Spriggs: Is Ed the not-pizza guy?

Stede: Yes. His name is Ed.

Lucius Spriggs: Wait, you told a random guy who you accidentally texted this before you told me?????

Stede: Well it was him that made me ‘finally’ realise actually.

Lucius Spriggs: Really??? This story is getting better and better!!!

Stede: Not like that, Lucius. He just told me his own story and it resonated so much. It made so much sense to me.

Lucius Spriggs: So he’s also gay then?

Stede: Yes.

Lucius Spriggs: So you have that in common then.

Stede: We’re also the same age pretty much.

Lucius Spriggs: This is sounding too good to be true. You need to find out what he looks like and where he lives.

Stede: He knows where I live. Well, he knows it’s Norfolk.

Lucius Spriggs: And he didn’t tell you where he is?

Stede: No actually. He didn’t.

Lucius Spriggs: Well, the way I see it, there are two possible reasons for that.

Stede: Which are?

Lucius Spriggs: Well, one is that he’s all the way over in Lands End…

Stede: And the other?

Lucius Spriggs: The other is that he is also in or at least very near to Norfolk…

Stede: Oh fuck… I never thought of that…

Stede: Fuck. I don’t know which one of those two options I’d prefer Lucius.

Stede: Fuck.

Stede: He obviously doesn’t want me to know. Or he would have told me.

Lucius Spriggs: Well there could be all kinds of reasons for that. The main one being that you’re basically strangers and either one of you could be a serial killer.

Stede: He was in an abusive relationship for a long time with a man who gaslit him a lot. He said he has difficulties trusting other people.

Lucius Spriggs: Is that a red flag at all for you?

Stede: No, I don’t think so. I think maybe it used to be a red flag for him, but that he’s washing it clean, so now it’s pink, and it will get paler and paler.

Lucius Spriggs: A fucking pink flag! 😂 Stede, you’re hilarious!!

Stede: I think flags can change colour though. Don’t you?

Stede: I mean if you’d met me ten years ago, I’d have been waving a huge red alcoholism flag. Five years ago some of the red might have started to fade. Now it’s pink. I’m not cured, and that might be a problem for some people. But it’s not the red flag it used to be.

Lucius Spriggs: Actually, that does kinda make a lot of sense.

Lucius Spriggs: How did you get so wise?

Stede: Sobriety. And therapy.

Lucius Spriggs: So you both have your pink flags. So you both need to be careful.

Stede: Yeah. I’ll bear that in mind Lucius.

Stede: And thanks for reaching out to check on me Lucius. I appreciate it.

Lucius Spriggs: That’s what friends are for!

Lucius Spriggs: Let me know when you’ve got some free time, I think we’re due another games night soon!

Stede: Oh yes! That would be great!

Lucius Spriggs: See you soon Stede!

Stede: Bye Lucius!

Day 19 - Tuesday evening

Ed: hey

Ed: you back from work yet?

Stede🏳️🌈: Hey Ed! Yes. I was just clearing up after my dinner and was about to text you.

Stede🏳️🌈: How are you?

Ed: I’m good mate

Ed: you?

Stede🏳️🌈: A bit tired, but I’m okay.

Stede🏳️🌈: Can you give me five minutes? I want to put my pyjamas and slippers on so I can cuddle up on the sofa.

Ed: sure

Ed: actually that sounds really nice

Ed: think I’m gonna do the same

Stede🏳️🌈: Okay, I’m back. Are you in your jamas too now?

Ed: don’t really have jamas

Ed: but I found some cosy joggers and an old t-shirt

Ed: and I’ve got a really soft grey sherpa blanket over me

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh Ed, that sounds so cosy! I wish I was there with you!

Stede🏳️🌈: Ed? Are you still there?

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh, I think I’ve overstepped haven’t I? I’m really sorry Ed.

Stede🏳️🌈: It’s just because I feel so comfortable with you that the idea of you being comfortable and cosy really appealed to me.

Stede🏳️🌈: I couldn’t help imagining you all snuggled up.

Stede🏳️🌈: Not that I know what you look like.

Stede🏳️🌈: Oh fucking hell. I’m making this worse.

Stede🏳️🌈: I’m really sorry Ed. I hope I haven’t offended you. Or made you uncomfortable.

Ed: you haven’t

Ed I just

Ed: haven't had anyone in my space since Jack

Ed: and when you said that I imagined you here with me

Ed: and I expected it to freak me out

Ed: but it didn’t

Ed: I liked imagining it

Ed: even though I don’t know what you look like either

Ed: I surprised myself I suppose

Ed: so you were gonna tell me what you do for a living

Stede🏳️🌈: Ah yes. Do you want me to tell you outright or do you want to try and guess?

Ed: oh guessing might be fun!

Ed: let’s do that

Ed: I’ll ask questions and you can only answer yes or no

Stede🏳️🌈: I’ve played a very similar game already today with a particularly nosy friend actually! Fire away!

Ed: ok

Ed: do you like your work?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: is it what you’ve always done?

Stede🏳️🌈: No.

Ed: lemme guess, you’ve done it for the last 5 years?

Stede🏳️🌈: 😂 You’re not far off!

Ed: ha!

Ed: is it a job you need specific qualifications for?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: did you do those qualifications in the last 5 years?

Stede🏳️🌈: No.

Ed: oh interesting

Ed: did you already have them?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: so, a job you originally wanted to do, then for some reason you didn’t until 5 years ago?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Stede🏳️🌈: Ed, I can’t believe that’s the first thing you’ve discovered about my work! You should be a detective!

Ed: I’m gonna carry on asking questions in a minute

Ed: but do you think you’d ever be able to tell me why you’ve waited before actually doing the job?

Stede🏳️🌈: I’ll tell you when you’ve guessed it. I’ve been asked about it before, but never really been able to tell the truth about it. I think I’d like the chance to properly explain it.

Ed: cool

Ed: I’m really happy you feel able to tell me about it

Ed: so, is it something you had to go to uni for?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: did you get a bachelors in the subject you need for it?

Stede🏳️🌈: No.

Ed: did you do post grad for it?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: interesting

Stede🏳️🌈: This will come up in my explanation, but you can do a bachelors in it, that just wasn’t available to me at that time.

Ed: so you went back later to do the post grad?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: is it a job involving people?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes.

Ed: children?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes!!

Ed: you’re a teacher aren’t you?

Stede🏳️🌈: Yes!! Well done Ed!

Ed: I knew you were before asking the questions!

Ed: but I wanted to see what else I could get out of you

Stede👨🏫: How did you know?

Ed: well you seem to to work weekdays

Ed: and you’re just so patient man

Ed: and considerate

Ed: I just kept thinking that you would make a great teacher

Stede: I don’t know what to say Ed. That’s so kind of you to say!

Stede👨🏫: Oh, but I bet you can’t guess what kind of teacher I am…

Ed: oh, do you have a speciality?

Stede👨🏫: Yes.

Ed: Is it one subject?

Stede👨🏫: No.

Ed: interesting

Ed: do you teach primary age kids?

Stede👨🏫: No.

Ed: secondary then

Stede👨🏫: Yes.

Ed: but not a particular subject?

Stede👨🏫: No.

Ed: I’m not sure

Ed: do you work in one of those huge new schools?

Stede👨🏫: No.

Ed: do you work in an actual school?

Stede👨🏫: Yes.

Ed: but not a huge one?

Stede👨🏫: No.

Ed: so, like, a specialist place?

Stede👨🏫: Yes.

Ed: a special school?

Stede👨🏫: Yes!

Ed: seriously? you’re a special needs teacher?

Stede👨🏫: Yes!! Well done!

Ed: that’s so awesome!

Ed: and do I get a gold star for getting it right, sir?

Stede👨🏫: Oh gosh! Don’t call me that!!! My students call me Stede.

Ed: that’s so cool

Ed: I’m blown away by that

Stede👨🏫: Why?

Ed: because it’s such a selfless thing to do

Ed: it must be a really hard job

Stede👨🏫: It can be. But I don’t think it’s selfless. One of the main reasons I do it is because it’s so much fun.

Ed: that’s so cool

Ed: I honestly didn’t expect that

Ed: it’s so funny that you Teach

Stede👨🏫: Why?

Ed: ah I’ll explain it to you one day

Ed: but now you need to guess what I do

Stede👨🏫: Okay. And then I’ll tell you why I didn’t go into it straight away?

Ed: yeah sure

Ed: before you start though, I should say I’m pretty hands off with my work these days

Ed: so I’ll try to answer your questions as if I was going in every day

Stede👨🏫: Hmm. Sounds like you might be the boss then.

Ed: that’s not a question!

Stede👨🏫: 😂

Stede👨🏫: Are you the boss?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Like, the owner of something?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Whoa. Your own business?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: That’s so cool!

Stede👨🏫: Is it named after you?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Ed’s Business?

Ed: no! 😂

Stede👨🏫: Do you employ other people?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Is it related to the arts?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Visual arts?

Ed: no

Stede👨🏫: Music then?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Hmm.

Stede👨🏫: Do you play any instruments?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Do you need to be able to play for the job?

Ed: no

Stede👨🏫: Oh that’s so interesting. I’m making a note of that in my ‘things to ask Ed’ notebook.

Ed: I don’t even think you’re joking mate!

Stede👨🏫: Do you have a business premises?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: Just one?

Ed: no

Stede👨🏫: Oh!

Stede👨🏫: Do you sell things?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: To the general public?

Ed: no

Stede👨🏫: To musicians?

Ed: yes

Stede👨🏫: So you sell musical instruments to musicians?

Ed: sort of…

Stede👨🏫: Tell me.

Ed: we kit out bands for tours, and recording studios, venues, that sort of thing

Ed: I’ve travelled all over the world

Stede👨🏫: Wow! Have you met any famous musicians?

Ed: yeah

Stede👨🏫: Wow. Why are you hands off now?

Ed: ah that’s a long story

Ed: I will tell you but not now

Ed: it’s a bit of a downer

Ed: you were going to tell me what happened with you

Stede👨🏫: Well that’s a bit of a downer too. But it does have a happier ending I suppose.

Stede👨🏫: My father wanted me to go into the family business so he forced me to do a law degree.

Ed: oh… he sounds… interesting

Stede👨🏫: He was a despicable man and the day he died was the biggest turning point in my life.

Ed: shit

Ed: sorry to hear that man

Ed: we could start a shit dad’s club if you want mate

Stede👨🏫: I don’t think they deserve to have any sort of club named after them. Let’s start a ‘Fuck You, We’re Happy’ club instead shall we?

Ed: I’d fucking love to mate!

Stede👨🏫: Anyway, I did my degree, but I hated it. And working for the company. So I did a PGCE without telling anyone.

Stede👨🏫: I wanted to be a teacher. Do something worthwhile that would benefit people. But my father wouldn’t hear of it. So I got the qualification, even managed to do the placements without raising too much suspicion.

Stede👨🏫: When I finished the qualification is when my drinking got really out of control. That’s probably a story for another time, but I knew I couldn’t be around kids then. I’d end up fucking them up.

Ed: shit Stede

Stede👨🏫: Then when my father died, and I could start to have some control of my own life at last, I made some big changes.

Stede👨🏫:That was five years ago. It took me three years of stop-start trying before I worked out what I needed to do, and I made some really big decisions. And now here I am.

Ed: fucking hell Stede

Ed: you’ve come so far

Ed: I hope you’re proud of yourself mate

Stede👨🏫: Oh now, don’t try to make me cry again Ed!

Stede👨🏫: I've really enjoyed chatting with you again.

Ed: you too mate

Ed: actual highlight of my day

Stede👨🏫: Mine too 😊

Stede👨🏫: I really have to finish some planning work before tomorrow, so I’m going to leave you with your cosy blanket. Can I message you again tomorrow?

Ed: of course mate

Ed: I’d be disappointed if you didn’t

Ed: hope you get your work done easily

Ed: night Stede

Ed: 💜

Stede👨🏫: Good night Ed

Stede👨🏫: 💜

Day 19 - Tuesday night

Stede: Hey Lucius?

Lucius Spriggs: What’s up Stede? That sounds a bit ominous.

Stede: Can I run some things by you?

Lucius Spriggs: Sure. Is it about Ed?

Stede: Yeah. Some pink flag things that I just need a bit of help to process.

Lucius Spriggs: Okay. Go ahead.

Stede: Well, there are just a few things that make me a little suspicious if I’m honest. Like we were talking about what we do for a living, but he wouldn’t tell me the name of his business.

Lucius Spriggs: Flat out refused to tell you, or just skirted around it?

Stede: Skirted around it I suppose. He said he meets famous people through his work but didn’t elaborate about who.

Lucius Spriggs: Don’t you believe him?

Stede: I don’t know.

Lucius Spriggs: If he really does, would it be more believable for you if he listed a bunch of famous people he’s met, or if he didn’t say?

Stede: Oh. Might not be very believable if he listed them.

Lucius Spriggs: Yeah. If it is true and he tries to convince you it might seem less true. So maybe he’s just avoiding it because he knows it might look fake.

Stede: Maybe. I hadn’t thought of that.

Stede: Why do you think he wouldn’t tell me the business name?

Lucius Spriggs: Maybe he’s just not ready to let you that far in. You said that he knows where you are. Maybe he knows you’d be able to find him if he told you. He might just need more time.

Stede: That makes sense. If he has trust issues. Understandably.

Stede: There’s the tiniest part of my brain that I’m trying to ignore that thinks that he might be catfishing me.

Lucius Spriggs: I mean it’s possible isn’t it? There’s no way of verifying anything he’s told you. Or of him verifying you.

Stede: I think that would be easier. I mean how many Stede’s work in special schools in Norfolk? I’m on the school website. He could easily google me and find out what I look like and whether I’m telling the truth.

Lucius Spriggs: Maybe you should tell him that. Give him something tangible so he can see you’re trustworthy.

Stede: Maybe. But if he is catfishing me, I don’t want him to have more information about me.

Lucius Spriggs: It’s tricky. What’s your gut feeling? Take out all the information you know about him, and what are your feelings?

Stede: He feels genuine but evasive. And it really makes sense why he would be like that. But I’m worried he might be a very good actor.

Lucius Spriggs: Why don’t you ask him? Not for the information he won’t give, but why he won’t give it. Tell him it’s making you a little uneasy and you’d just like to know the reasons why.

Stede: I suppose I could do that. Yeah.

Stede: Thanks Lucius.

Lucius Spriggs: You’re welcome Stede. I’d much rather we do this now than you and/or Ed get hurt.

Stede: Thank you.

Day 19 - Tuesday late night

Stede👨🏫: Hey Ed. I really hope you have gone to bed and that this doesn’t wake you up. I just need to say some things that have been on my mind and I’m really nervous about it.

Stede👨🏫: It’s probably not really fair of me to send you all this and let you wake up to it, but I don’t think I could do it if I knew you were reading it as I send them.

Stede👨🏫: Ed, I absolutely love chatting with you, and I’m so happy I accidentally found you.

Stede👨🏫: I do have some things that are worrying me a little bit. Like there seem to be a lot of little things (or some big things) that you are avoiding telling me.

Stede👨🏫: For example, you asked where I live and I told you but you have chosen not to tell me where you live. And you wouldn’t tell me the name of your business. Also you were pretty evasive when talking about what you actually do for work and the people you’ve met.

Stede👨🏫: I know there are loads of reasons why you might not want to share these things with a virtual stranger, and I absolutely respect that.

Stede👨🏫: I believe you have very valid reasons for holding back, and I’m more than okay with that. But in the back of my mind is a tiny thought that wonders if you aren’t being honest with me for some more nefarious reason.

Stede👨🏫: I’m not going to ask you for any of the information you haven’t wanted to give. I have no right to know it, and I would never presume to have.

Stede👨🏫: Please could I ask you why though? Would you be able to explain why you haven’t felt able to share those things with me?

Stede👨🏫: I know you find it hard to trust people, so I’d encourage you to Google Stede teacher Norfolk special school. I’ve just done it and it will lead you to me. I want you to know you can trust me.

Stede👨🏫: I hope you have a good night’s sleep Ed. Please message me tomorrow or whenever you feel ready, even if you don’t want to answer my question.

Stede👨🏫: Sweet dreams Ed 💜

Day 20 - Wednesday extremely early

Ed: 💜

Ed: that’s fair

Ed: I’m gonna take some time to think about how I can answer you because you deserve an answer

Ed: and there is one

Ed: I promise you it’s not nefarious

Ed: I’ll message you

Ed: 💜

Day 20 - Wednesday morning

Stede🥺: 💜

Stede: He said I deserve an answer, and that he has one, and that he’s going to take some time to think about how to answer and he’ll message me when he has thought about it.

Lucius Spriggs: That’s great Stede. Well done for putting it out there.

Stede: My heart’s in my mouth Lucius. I don’t know why this is such a big deal. I don’t even really know him.

Lucius Spriggs: It’s because he’s important to you Stede. It doesn’t matter how you met, or that you haven’t seen each other, or any of that. He’s important to you.

Stede: Yeah. He is.

Stede: Thanks Lucius.

Lucius Spriggs: Go easy on yourself today Stede.

Day 21 - Thursday extremely early morning

Ed: hey

Ed: so I really hope this doesn’t wake you up

Ed: but you deserve a response and I don’t want to keep you hanging too long

Ed: I’ve spent most of the day trying to write what I want to say to you so I’m gonna copy and paste it from my notes app

Ed: I’m not always great with words, but I’ve tried my best

Ed: I really hope it helps

Ed: I want to start by saying how much our time chatting has meant to me. I’ve been so lonely and isolated for so long, and I didn’t know how to make a connection with another person. You have inspired me to get back in touch with my old friends. It was hard but I’m so glad I did it.

You’re right that I’ve been evasive with you. But I haven’t lied. Everything I’ve told you is true. I’ve just left some stuff out. Please believe that. I would never want to lie to you. And you do deserve a proper explanation.

It’s all about trust. And before you make assumptions about what that means, it’s important you understand that I do trust you. It’s not trusting you that’s hard for me. I don’t trust myself.

I was manipulated by Jack over and over and over again, he made me believe him in spite of the overwhelming evidence that other people were screaming into my stupid face.

And every time I realised what he’d managed to get me to believe I felt so ashamed. So stupid. I lost all my friends because of it. And my mum. I haven’t seen her for years because of how ashamed I feel of myself.

I lost all my self-respect. I forgot who I was. I still don’t really know. It’s been a year since I finally got him out of my life, and I still don’t know if I’m coming or going some days.

I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to recognise when something is not true, or not going well. I don’t trust myself to know when something is going well. I’m so used to everything I believed in coming crashing down to earth, that that’s what I expect now.

Stede - I’ve loved our chats together, I really have. I don’t think I can explain what they mean to me. What you mean to me.

And that’s so fucking scary. I can’t trust my instincts. What if I’ve completely misunderstood what’s going on? What if I didn’t notice a glaring red flag? What if it all just vanishes one day? If I’ve got it wrong again, I’m gonna be so fucking devastated. I don’t trust myself to make those decisions. I let myself down over and over again, and I don’t know what else to do other than hide away.

I’ve been trying to keep it all at arm’s length, so there’d be no danger of it falling down. But it’s got harder and harder to do that the more we chat. The more I get to like you.

I thought if I avoided giving the big information I could pretend it wasn’t real, and pretend it wouldn’t hurt so much if it all came crashing down.

I didn’t realise that might hurt you. And the last thing I want to do is hurt you Stede. If you believe nothing else in this answer, you must believe that.

Because I really fucking like you Stede. And I want you to put your jamas on and come and snuggle with me under my blanket on the sofa and talk and talk until we fall asleep. I really really want that so much. I actually think about it all the time.

The scariest thing is that I know how achievable that is because I also live in Norfolk. And yes I did freak out a bit when I realised that’s where you are too. And I found you on Google and your school is about half an hour away from me.

And the reason I thought it was funny when I found out you were a teacher is because my surname is Teach. I am Edward Teach, AKA Blackbeard. You’ve probably heard of my business even if you don’t know anything about music tech.

I’ve met some stupidly famous people. If you Google me too, you’ll see.

I know I could just be some random person claiming to be Blackbeard, so to prove it to you, I’ve put something on the home page of Blackbeard’s website that only you will recognise.

I hope that answers your question. And I really hope you will still want to message me.

Day 21 - Thursday early morning

Stede🥺: Oh Ed…

Stede🥺: I’ve been rereading your message since I woke up, and I’ve only just stopped crying.

Stede🥺: I know you’re probably still asleep, so I won’t send much now. I need to pull myself together ready for work!

Ed: I’m up

Stede🥺: Ed! Oh Ed! I’m crying again.

Ed: me too

Stede🥺: Ed, you’re so brave to have written and sent me all that. I’m in awe of you.

Stede🥺: I’m so proud to know you Ed.

Ed: shit man

Ed: I dunno what to say

Stede🥺: You don’t have to say anything.

Ed: did you check the website?

Stede🥺: No, not yet. Hang on…

Stede🦋: Ed! The swallowtail!

Ed: you believe me?

Stede🦋: Of course I believe you!

Ed: good

Stede🦋: I really have to get ready for work Ed. I wish I could talk to you longer.

Ed: it’s ok

Ed: those kids need you

Stede👨🏫: Will you be okay?

Ed: yeah

Ed: I’ve got something important I need to do today

Ed: you’ve got your meeting tonight haven't you?

Stede👨🏫: Yes. Well remembered!

Ed: and I’m going out with the gang

Stede👨🏫: Oh, I’m so happy you decided to go!

Ed: I’m nervous about it

Ed: but if you’re up for some messages after all that, I’ll fill you in on today’s adventure?

Stede👨🏫: Yes, of course! I can’t wait!

Ed: 😊

Ed: have a good day at work Stede

Stede👨🏫: You have a good day too Ed

Stede👨🏫: ❤️

Ed: ❤️

Day 21 - Thursday afternoon

Fang: Your mum just called me.

Ed: oh my god she can’t keep anything private

Fang: She’s my next door neighbour, we’re practically best friends!

Ed: what did she say?

Fang: Hard to tell really through all the tears.

Ed: ah shit

Ed: that’s what she was like when I called her

Fang: Proud of you man

Ed: shut up

Fang: I mean it. It must have taken a lot of balls.

Ed: well I’ve got balls for days

Fang: Certainly seems that way.

Fang: Things all patched up now then?

Ed: I don’t think it’s that easy

Ed: but we’re on the way

Ed: I’m going for lunch on Sunday

Fang: Oh, your mum does the best roast dinners!

Ed: I know

Ed: been too long since I had one

Fang: Best news I’ve had for ages man.

Fang: You made a decision about tonight?

Ed: yeah

Ed: I’m coming

Fang: Fantastic!

Ed: is Izzy gonna be there?

Fang: Afraid so.

Ed: ok

Ed: I’ve gotta face him sooner or later

Ed: I am still his boss after all

Ed: are you gonna tell him I’m coming?

Fang: Do you think I should?

Ed: maybe

Ed: don’t wanna catch him unawares

Fang: Okay. See you later then!

Ed: see you Fang

Day 21 - Thursday night

Stede 🥰: You’re probably still on your night out, but just wanted to let you know I’m back now, whenever you want to text 😊

Ed: hey

Ed: I’m just getting a cab home

Stede 🥰: Oh, you’re finished earlier than I thought you would be.

Ed: first time I’ve been out properly for years man

Ed: it was a bit much to be honest

Ed: I had a lot of apologies to make

Stede 🥰: Oh I’m sorry to hear it was hard Ed.

Ed: it’s fine

Ed: needed doing

Ed: and it did feel a bit like the old days once all that was out the way

Stede 🥰: So you’re glad you went?

Ed: yeah

Ed: I really am

Ed: they all seemed to get why I did the things I’d done

Ed: dunno if I’m fully forgiven yet but it’s a start

Ed: and I didn’t realise they served tea in there

Stede 🥰: You were drinking tea on a night out??

Ed: yeah 🙂

Stede 🥰: Why?

Ed: just didn’t feel right knowing where you were and ordering a beer

Stede 🥰: Ed, you nut! That might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me 🥰

Ed: well

Ed: it was kinda nice not to get drunk you know?

Stede 🥰: I do know that feeling, yes.

Ed: of course you do

Ed: sorry

Stede 🥰: No need to be sorry Ed.

Stede 🥰: But please don’t feel you need to make decisions like that on my account.

Ed: I didn’t make it for you really

Ed: but I did make it with you in my mind

Ed: and I wanted to keep a clear head so I could chat with you

Ed: I don’t think it would have been fair for me to have been messaging you while drunk

Stede 🥰: 😊 Well thank you Ed. It really means a lot to know you were thinking of me.

Ed: anyway, I wanted to tell you what I got up to today

Stede 🥰: Yes! Please do, I’ve been dying to know.

Ed: I phoned my mum

Ed: I haven’t spoken to her for years because she tried to intervene with Jack and then he turned me against her

Ed: I was a shit person to her

Stede 🥰: Oh Ed! How did it go?

Ed: well there was a lot of tears and snot on both ends of the line

Ed: but it was good you know?

Ed: I’m going for Sunday lunch at hers

Stede 🥰: Ed, that’s so amazing! I’m so proud of you!

Stede 🥰: I just wanted to say again how much I appreciate the message you sent this morning. It was so brave of you to lay yourself bare like that to me.

Ed: nah

Ed: you did deserve the truth

Ed: I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you sooner

Stede 🥰: I’ve got something to ask you, and you can say no and I won’t be offended. If it’s too big for me to ask you, please say so and I won’t ask it again.

Ed: what is it?

Stede 🥰: What are you doing on Saturday?

Ed: that’s not that big a question mate

Stede 🥰: It’s not the main question!

Ed: 😂 I don’t have any plans

Ed: why?

Stede 🥰: Would you like to join me on my nature walk, see if we can find you a swallowtail?

Stede 🥰: I was thinking of going to Hickling.

Stede 🥰: It’s okay if the answer is no. If you’re not ready for that I completely understand and I won’t mind.

Stede 🥰: I know you’ve had a big few days and I’m asking a lot.

Stede 🥰: And it’s okay if you need time to think about it. I’m going to put my jamas on in the meantime!

Stede 🥰: They’re brushed cotton and really cosy

Ed: are you trying to convince me with thoughts of cosiness? 😂

Stede 🥰: No actually! I was trying to quell my panic that I’d asked too much of you and freaked you out again.

Ed: shit sorry man

Stede 🥰: It’s okay Ed.

Ed: yes

Stede 🥰: Yes?

Ed: yes, I’d like to come with you

Stede 🥰: Oh! Oh my gosh! That’s wonderful!

Stede 🥰: I didn’t expect you to say yes!

Ed: so you don’t really want me to come?

Stede 🥰: No! No, I really do! I just thought you’d need more time. I wanted you to know the option was there. I’m really happy if you truly do want to come with me!

Ed: I do really want to come

Ed: and I have a question for you now

Stede 🥰: Oh?

Ed: have you ever ridden pillion?

Stede 🥰: On a motorbike??

Ed: well not a horse!

Ed: yeah a motorbike

Stede 🥰: You have a motorbike?

Ed: yeah

Ed: actually haven’t ridden her for ages

Ed: thought it would make a nice ride

Ed: no worries if you’re not comfortable with it though

Stede 🥰: No, I think I’d like to give that a go! You’ve been so brave lately, it’s only fair I should be.

Ed: cool

Ed: so is it

Ed: like…

Ed: a date?

Stede 🥰: I don’t know. Is that something you might be ready for?

Ed: maybe

Ed: with the right person

Stede 🥰: I really value your friendship Ed, and I don’t want to do anything that might make you feel pressured or freak you out.

Ed: I know I’ve found things difficult, but you don’t have to tread on eggshells with me

Ed: I’ve got a lot to work on, but I’m going to really try to listen to my gut instincts

Stede 🥰: And what is your gut instinct saying?

Ed: well I can’t really hear it at the moment because it’s so full of butterflies 😂

Stede 🥰: Mine too! I think I found all the swallowtails!

Ed: so?

Stede 🥰: Do you want it to be a date?

Ed: do you?

Stede 🥰: I asked first!

Ed: actually I asked first just then when I asked is it a date all those hours ago

Stede 🥰: Oh yeah! 😂

Stede 🥰: Ed, would you like to go on a date with me to Hickling to look for swallowtails?

Ed: yes

Stede 👨❤️👨: Oh! Well that’s… I don’t know what to say!

Stede 👨❤️👨: I can’t stop smiling

Ed: me neither mate 😁

Ed: I better let you go though

Ed: you’ve got work tomorrow

Stede 👨❤️👨: Damn work.

Ed: you don’t mean that!

Stede 👨❤️👨: No, I suppose I don’t really.

Ed: night night Stede ❤️

Stede 👨❤️👨: Goodnight Ed. Sweet dreams 😘

Ed: the butterflies in my tummy liked that emoji 😘

Stede 👨❤️👨: ❤️

Ed: ❤️

Day 22 - Friday extremely early morning

Stede 👨❤️👨: 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

Day 22 - Friday very early morning

Ed: 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋 🤭

Day 22 - Friday morning

Stede: Ed and I are going on a date.

Lucius Spriggs: Oh fuck!

Lucius Spriggs: That’s fantastic! An irl date?

Stede: Yes. Turns out he only lives half an hour away.

Lucius Spriggs: You two are good then?

Stede: More than good.

Lucius Spriggs: Love that for you!

Lucius Spriggs: And how are we feeling about those pink flags?

Stede: They’re still there. His and mine. He explained his pretty well actually.

Lucius Spriggs: Did you explain yours?

Stede: No, not really. Shit. I should probably do that. Thanks Lucius.

Stede👨❤️👨: Are you busy tonight?

Ed: nope

Stede👨❤️👨: Can I tell you some things?

Ed: that’s quite a worrying sentence

Stede😦: I know. I don’t mean it to be. I couldn’t think of a better way to say it.

Ed: what do you want to tell me?

Stede😦: Please don’t worry. I just feel that I should give you some information about myself seeing as you laid yourself so bare to me. So you know what you could be getting yourself into.

Ed: is it bad?

Stede😦: No, Ed. Oh, I’m not doing a very good job of this.

Stede😦: You did such an amazing job of explaining to me the things you find difficult, and it’s really helped me put things into perspective.

Stede😦: Bloody hell, I’m messing this up! Let me try again. Forget everything up till now will you?

Ed: ok

Stede😦: Morning Ed! I hope you slept well!

Ed: I struggled a bit actually, too excited

Stede😦: Me too!

Stede😦: Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve ever been on a date with a recovering alcoholic before, but in the interests of you learning to trust your own judgement again, I’d like to share some things with you about that, if I may?

Ed: oh

Ed: yeah that makes sense

Ed: thanks for making it clearer

Ed: yeah of course

Stede😦: Good. I’m probably going to order in tonight, so shall I message you over dinner?

Ed: yeah ok

Ed: I’ll order in as well

Ed: we can eat together

Stede😦: Oh! I love that idea!

Stede😦: Chat later then?

Ed: yes

Ed: have a good day Stede

Ed: ❤️

Stede😦: ❤️

Day 22 - Friday evening

Stede😦: My food is here! Have you ordered?

Ed: I’ve already started

Stede😦: What did you go for?

Ed: Chinese sad delicious buffet for one

Stede😦: 😂 Excellent choice!

Ed: you?

Stede😦: I went for a pizza, but it’s not from the same place as before

Ed: I hope it’s not mediocre

Stede🍕: Me too!

Stede🍕: Where are you eating?

Ed: on my sofa

Ed: gonna snuggle in

Ed: got my jamas on already

Ed: and 2 blankets today

Stede🍕: Are you trying to bamboozle me with cosiness now??

Ed: yes

Ed: is it working?

Stede🍕: Yes! I’m going to be imagining that all evening now

Ed: 😂

Ed: you don’t have to imagine it

Stede🍕: What do you mean?

Ed: I mean I could send you a photo if you want

Ed: Stede?

Stede🍕: Yes. Send a photo. Please.

Ed: ok

Attachment: 1 image

Stede🍕: Ed…

Stede🍕: You look…

Stede🍕: You’re so…

Stede🍕: I don’t know how to word anymore!

Ed: 😊

Ed: do I get one in return?

Stede🍕: Oh… I’ve never sent someone a selfie before.

Ed: you don’t have to

Attachment: 1 image

Ed: 🥵🥵🥵

Stede🥵: Ed! 😂 I’m blushing now!

Ed: good

Ed: can I get a photo of that too?

Stede🥵: No! I might spontaneously combust!

Ed: I can’t believe we’re actually going to meet for real tomorrow

Stede🥵: Nor me. How are you feeling about it?

Ed: fucking terrified if I’m honest

Ed: is it weird that I’m telling you that when you’re the one I’m going to be meeting?

Stede🥵: No, I don’t think so. I feel the same.

Stede🥵: When we agreed to it being a date, I wanted to scream in excitement and run off and tell you I’d got a date, because you’re the person I tell things to! But then you already knew because it’s with you! Is that weird?

Ed: ha! no, I felt the same!

Stede🥵: I’m really nervous to meet you. I can’t even say why. It’s just a lot isn’t it? Feels like it might be a step towards something big.

Ed: yeah

Ed: I get that

Ed: totally

Ed: it feels huge

Stede🥵: But I’m so excited as well. I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep tonight.

Ed: nor me

Ed: I got my bike out of the garage today

Ed: made sure it’s running ok

Stede🥵: I’m excited to see it. I don’t have a helmet though.

Ed: it’s ok, I’ve got a spare

Stede🥵: Thank you!

Ed: 😁

Stede🥵: I suppose I should get on with the serious stuff then, before we get any more sidetracked.

Ed: ok

Stede🥵: Please interrupt me at any point if you have questions. You can ask anything, and I’ll do my best to answer.

Ed: I don’t want to dredge up any shit for you though

Stede🥵: I don’t mind. Remember what you went through when I asked you why you were being evasive? I owe you that level of honesty. So please ask if you want to. Don’t hold back. Even if it’s something I can’t answer at the moment, I will do my best to find a way to answer you eventually.

Stede🥵: Agreed?

Ed: ok

Stede🥵: Alright. Well I’ll start with a bit of background. When my father died five years ago is when I knew I had to stop drinking. Before then I’d been completely out of control.

Stede🥺: I was drinking in the mornings instead of breakfast at that point, and Mary, my ex-wife, well I don’t know how she put up with me.

Stede🥺: I would go to work and drink there. They obviously knew. My father tried to hide it for as long as he could, but there was always office gossip and eventually he had no choice but to fire me.

Ed: shit

Stede🥺: I didn’t tell Mary for months. I got up in the mornings, put my suit on, packed my bag, then walked to the local park and drank. Passed out several times on the benches there.

Stede🥺: When people started to recognise me I moved to a different park, but the same thing happened there. I tried to vary it a bit then.

Stede🥺: One day I was sitting on a bench near a pond and I passed out drunk, and must have slipped off the bench and into the water. I woke up in hospital with Mary looming over me. She was livid.

Ed: Stede

Ed: that’s awful

Stede🥺: Mary always wanted children. And because of the drink (and maybe a bit because I’m actually gay) I couldn’t give her them. So her resentment towards me just built and built. She left me for the final time that day.

Stede🥺: She wanted a divorce but my father threatened that she’d be left with nothing if she sullied the family name by trying. So we waited until he died.

Ed: what a dick

Stede🥺: Yes. He was.

Stede🥺: I’m telling you this because I ruined my whole life, and the lives of a lot of people around me. I made horrendous decisions, I had awful mood swings, I was unpleasant and angry all the time. Or passed out drunk. I didn’t care about anyone else or myself. I lied, I stole, I cheated, all to get the next drink. I spent so much money and then wasn’t even able to earn any back.

Stede🥺: And that’s why I couldn’t let myself even consider a career in education.

Ed: not all horrendous decisions then

Stede🥺: Maybe.

Stede🥺: After my father died, I knew something had to give and I found AA. I didn't take it seriously though and I could only stop drinking for a few days at a time, then I’d go on massive benders for days. I don’t even remember them.

Stede🥺: Then one day I woke up and I thought enough was enough. I started going to AA every day, and it was so hard. But to have that support made all the difference.

Ed: I’m so glad you found that Stede

Stede🥺: I'd moved out here and I'd got a job in a school, and it gave me a purpose, you know? I decided I was going to teach, and I had to be sober for that. I made some friends at last. I go on my nature walks. I’ve kept myself to myself for most of the time, because I haven’t quite felt stable enough to deal with the uncertainties of life. But I’m in a much better place now than I’ve ever been.

Stede🥺: I had to apologise and try to make amends to a lot of people I’ve hurt with my behaviour. And it’s been hard. It still is hard.

Ed: you’re doing it though

Stede🥺: I need you to know that for recovering addicts, we take each day one at a time. I wake up in the mornings, and I say to myself, that just for today I’m going to be sober. And if that feels too hard, I say that just for an hour or half an hour, or ten minutes I’m going to be sober. And some days I have to say it over and over. And it usually gets me through.

Ed: but you've had relapses?

Stede🥺: Oh yes. Some terrible ones. Not for nearly two years now. But I’ve been close in that time.

Ed: shit

Stede🥺: I might have more relapses in the future Ed. And I want you to know that I’m not a nice person when I drink. Not nice at all. I do things I’d never choose to do sober. I hurt people. The people I love. I’m not a good person Ed. That’s why I don’t have any friends. I keep people at arm’s length so I can’t damage them if I relapse.

Stede🥺: I should have done that with you Ed. I should be protecting you from myself. Part of me hates myself for putting you at risk by getting to know you. But I really want to know you. I know it’s selfish.

Ed: Stede

Ed: I can make my own decisions

Stede🥺: I know you can. I trust you to keep yourself safe. You can trust your instincts. But you need to have the full information so you can make an informed choice.

Stede🥺: I’m a lighthouse Ed. A beacon warning you that if you come closer you might crack up on the rocks. I need to know you’ll take that seriously.

Stede🥺: Please promise me you will trust your instincts Ed. And that at any point, if you want or need to walk away from me to preserve yourself, then you will do that. Please make me that promise. Because I so want to come and cuddle up on your sofa with you, but my inner voice is screaming at me to turn and run away to get the danger as far away from you as possible.

Ed: I promise I will do that if I need to Stede

Ed: I do promise

Stede🥺: Addiction changes a person, Ed. I’m not the man I should have been and I have to live with that. I can’t be that person I should have been. He’s gone, and this is what I’m left with.

Ed: being in a controlling and abusive relationship changes a person too Stede

Ed: neither of us are who we should have been

Ed: and who knows what we would have thought of each other if we’d met before we were changed?

Stede🥺: I don’t want you to ever make excuses for me Ed. Or accept any bad behaviour from me. I need to know you’ll call me out or walk away if my behaviour makes you uncomfortable in any way. I need to know you will be able to spot my behaviour for what it is, and not think it’s any reflection on you.

Ed: we’re both damaged men, Stede

Stede🥺: No, Ed. Don’t do that.

Stede🥺: I need to know you understand that I could damage you more.

Ed: I do understand that

Ed: you’ve made that very clear

Stede🥺: There are also some practical things that can be extremely inconvenient. I won’t go to establishments that serve alcohol. Weddings, parties, anything like that. That’s a lot of places.

Stede🥺: I won’t ask you to stop drinking of course, but I will ask you not to drink or be drunk around me.

Stede🥺: And so, my final question for you: Now you know all that, are you absolutely sure you want to go on a date with me tomorrow? I will totally understand if you say no.

Ed: I really appreciate you telling me all this

Ed: if I’m honest I really wasn’t expecting a lot of it

Ed: but I hear you and I appreciate you wanting to protect me

Ed: so I’m gonna take some time to let it all digest if that’s ok

Ed: so you know that when I give you my answer, it’s honest

Ed: you’ll know I’ve thought about it

Stede🥺: Thank you Ed. I think that’s a great idea.

Ed: I will do my best to give an answer tonight

Ed: is that ok?

Stede🥺: Of course it is Ed. Take as long as you need.

Ed: ❤️

Stede🥺: ❤️

Day 22 - Friday night

Stede: You busy Lucius?

Lucius Spriggs: Getting ready to go out, but I can spare you some time. What’s up?

Stede: I just spent the last hour explaining to Ed why I’m a total fuck up, and how I might hurt him if I have a relapse, and now I’m waiting for him to think it over and I’ve got some feelings about it.

Lucius Spriggs: Wow. I’m not surprised you’ve got feelings. Can you be any more specific about them?

Stede: I don’t know. They’re not nice.

Stede: Scared. Worried. Sad. Disappointed. Scary. I feel scary.

Lucius Spriggs: Do you think you did the right thing?

Stede: I had to tell him, didn't? I had to warn him.

Stede: I really care about him. I couldn’t let him walk blindly into anything where there’s a risk to himself.

Stede: He lost a lot of friends before when they tried to help him see what a dangerous situation he was in. I just want to protect him.

Stede: It’s just so hard when what I need to protect him from is me.

Lucius Spriggs: Yeah, that’s a real mindfuck isn’t it?

Stede: Yeah. I can’t imagine ever hurting him. But I don’t know what me tomorrow is going to do.

Lucius Spriggs: So what are you doing now?

Stede: Nothing. Just waiting.

Lucius Spriggs: Want me to come over?

Stede: No. You’re going out.

Lucius Spriggs: You’re my friend Stede. If you need me to come over, then that’s more important than going out.

Stede: Oh Lucius. I really appreciate that. I really do. But I can’t let my stupid choices derail something else for another person.

Stede: I’ll be okay. I shouldn’t have let myself believe I could have more with Ed. I should have kept it to text messages.

Lucius Spriggs: Hey come on now Stede. You don’t know what he’s going to say. He’s a big boy with a lot of experience from what you’ve said. You’ve given him the facts and now he can make his own decisions.

Stede: I know you’re right Lucius. It’s just hard.

Lucius Spriggs: Do you think you should call your sponsor?

Stede: Yeah I think that’s a good idea. Thanks Lucius.

Lucius Spriggs: Let me know what Ed says.

Stede: I will.

Day 22 - Friday night

Ed: hey Fang

Ed: you busy?

Fang: Hey Ed! No not really. What’s up?

Ed: I know we’re not that close anymore, but I could really do with a friend right now.

Fang: Has something happened?

Ed: kinda

Ed: you remember I told you about the guy I’d been texting?

Fang: Yeah. Steve was it?

Ed: Stede

Fang: That’s it.

Ed: well he asked me on a date

Fang: Oh my god! And what did you say?

Ed: I said yes.

Fang: You don’t seem particularly happy about it.

Ed: I was

Ed: I am I mean

Ed: I think

Fang: You’re not making much sense man.

Ed: he’s a recovering alcoholic

Fang: Oh

Ed: and he just spent the evening telling me how he might hurt me if he has a relapse

Fang: Shit.

Ed: yeah

Ed: I said I’d let him know if I still want to go on the date with him

Fang: And what are you thinking about that?

Ed: what do you think I should do?

Fang: I can’t tell you that, man.

Ed: but you did

Ed: you told me with Jack and I didn’t listen

Ed: and if I’d listened to you I wouldn’t be this fucked up insecure dick who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going most of the time

Fang: Hey now, come on Ed. You can’t blame yourself for what Jack did to you.

Ed: I know, but I can blame myself for not listening to you and the others

Fang: I’m not going to tell you what you should do Ed. But I can help you work it out for yourself.

Ed: really?

Fang: Yes.

Fang: Why did Stede tell you all that?

Ed: he said he wanted me to have the facts so I would know what I was getting into

Ed: so I could start learning to trust my instincts again

Fang: Did you tell him you don’t trust your own instincts?

Ed: yeah

Fang: And he then gave you the information you need so you can make your own mind up?

Ed: yeah

Fang: Has he tried to influence your decision?

Ed: I don’t think so

Ed: it kinda feels like he’s pushing me away actually

Fang: Why do you think he might do that?

Ed: he said he wants to protect me

Fang: And you still feel he might be like Jack?

Ed: no

Ed: I really don’t

Ed: but I don’t trust my own judgement

Ed: please tell me what you think

Fang: I think you need to trust your judgement.

Fang: But for what it’s worth, he sounds nothing like Jack.

Ed: he said that AA taught him to take each day at a time

Ed: that just for today he will be sober

Ed: I kinda like that idea

Ed: I don’t know what might happen tomorrow

Ed: but today I want to go on the date with him

Fang: Sounds like you have your answer then.

Ed: do you think it’s the right one?

Fang: I really can’t say that Ed.

Ed: ok

Ed: but you’d tell me if you thought it was the wrong one?

Fang: I mean…

Ed: you did tell me

Ed: with Jack

Ed: you constantly told me

Fang: Yeah I guess I would tell you if I thought you were making a huge mistake again. Just for today I don’t think you’re making a mistake. But that might change tomorrow.

Ed: that’s all I need man

Ed: thanks Fang

Ed: what are you up to tonight anyway?

Fang: I’ve got a date!

Ed: oh shit!

Ed: congrats man!

Ed: who’s it with?

Fang: 2 guys called Lucius and Pete. Met them a few weeks ago.

Ed: well have a great time Fang!

Ed: you deserve it!

Fang: Take care Ed. Let me know how it goes.

Ed: 👍

Day 23 - Saturday extremely early morning

Ed: hey

Ed: you still up?

Stede🥺: Yes.

Ed: you ok?

Stede🥺: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Ed: ok

Ed: I get that

Ed: look, I wanted to say again that I appreciate you telling me all that stuff

Ed: and I’ve really thought about it

Stede🥺: But?

Ed: let me finish please

Stede🥺: Sorry.

Ed: I’ve really thought about it and I totally understand that you want to protect me

Stede: I do.

Ed: stop interrupting man!!

Stede🤐: Sorry!

Ed: the last few weeks have been the most fun I’ve had in ages

Ed: years

Ed: maybe ever

Stede🤐: 🥲

Ed: and right now I don’t want that to end

Ed: I want more of it

Ed: a lot more

Ed: and maybe there’ll be a time where it won’t be fun anymore

Ed: but that’s not today

Ed: just for today, I want to go on the date with you

Ed: can we do it like that?

Ed: one day at a time?

Stede👨❤️👨: Oh fuck.

Stede👨❤️👨: Ed.

Stede👨❤️👨: Yes! Of course we can!

Stede👨❤️👨: I’m crying.

Ed: me too

Ed: a little bit

Stede👨❤️👨: You’re sure?

Ed: don’t ask me that

Ed: I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t

Stede👨❤️👨: Okay. Sorry.

Ed: so what time and where are we meeting?

Stede👨❤️👨: Oh shit! I hadn’t wanted to let myself think that far ahead!

Stede👨❤️👨: Erm, well we want to give the sun time to warm the butterflies up. So 11am? Hickling broad?

Ed: sounds great mate

Stede👨❤️👨: Oh, now I’m nervous all over again but for completely different reasons!

Ed: ha! me too man

Ed: fucking hell, we haven’t made things easy have we?

Stede👨❤️👨: No! We certainly haven’t!

Ed: ok I’m gonna try and get some sleep

Stede👨❤️👨: Me too. See you tomorrow Ed.

Stede👨❤️👨: I can’t believe I get to say that and it means what it really means!

Ed: 😊

Ed: night Stede

Stede👨❤️👨: Goodnight Ed.

Stede👨❤️👨: Sweet dreams.

Ed: ❤️

Stede👨❤️👨: ❤️

Day 23 - Saturday 11am

Ed: are you here yet?

Stede🦋: Yes. I just watched you ride in.

Stede🦋: Your bike is beautiful!

Ed: fuck

Ed: I’m so nervous

Ed: I’m shaking

Stede🦋: Me too.

Stede🦋: Are you going to get off the bike?

Ed: yeah

Stede🦋: I’m behind you to your left a bit. Standing by my car.

Ed: I can’t

Ed: can’t turn around

Stede🦋: It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind Ed. I understand.

Ed: no

Ed: I haven’t changed my mind

Ed: I’m just so fucking nervous

Stede🦋: I know. So many butterflies.

Ed: yeah!

Stede🦋: Will you take your helmet off?

Ed: ok

Stede🦋: Oh my god, your hair!

Ed: is it too much?

Stede🦋: Ed, it’s magnificent! I knew you had a lot of hair from the photo you sent, but 😍

Ed: you’re not making me feel any less nervous mate!

Stede🦋: Sorry Ed!

Stede🦋: My heart is beating so loudly I think it might scare off any butterflies.

Ed: ha!

Stede🦋: Do you want me to come over to you?

Ed: no!

Stede🦋: Will you turn around?

Stede🦋: Ed?

Ed: ok

Ed: I’m ready

Ed: I’m gonna turn around

Stede❤️: Fuck, Ed.

Ed: fuck

🍕🐓🥠☕️🫂🤢🦋☹️😊🏳️🌈👨🏫🥺🦋👨🏫🥰👨❤️👨😦🍕🥵🥺👨❤️👨🦋❤️

Notes:

The experiences and feelings these boys have are very much based on parts of my own life, things I've been through or have been very close to someone else going through.

It was pretty cathartic to write this and to get the boys to a point where they might be able to both move forward, albeit with caution for their own and each other's safety.

Love doesn't fix us, or the things we've been through.
It can hurt and wound us, and change who we are.
But it can also give us hope and peace and comfort and provide a light in the dark.

I have written a multi-chapter sequel to this because these boys wouldn't leave my brain. Subscribe to the series if you're interested to see what they do next 🥰

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