Chapter Text
First Year
It was their first last day at Hogwarts. The lush greenery of the Scottish countryside waved them goodbye, swaying back and forth with a bittersweet air of remorse and gratitude.
“What a brilliant year,” James sighed for the millionth time, gazing out the train window as they whipped closer and closer to London, “absolutely brilliant.”
James turned his gaze to Remus, who sat across from him.
“Don’t you just think it’s brilliant, Remus?”
“S'alright,” Remus shrugged.
Secretly, Remus thought it was beyond brilliant. It was the best thing he had ever experienced in his 12 years on earth, it was better than anything he could have ever hoped for. It was a year full of pranks, fun, and friendship. It was the first time he felt truly valued. He was valued as a person, as a friend, as a student. Remus loved his home, loved the farm, the sheep, the pleasant Welsh countryside, but it didn’t compare to the year they just had, it probably never would.
“Well I think it was just brilliant,” James smiled contently, reclining in his seat. “What about you, Sirius, did you have a good year?”
Sirius, joined to James’ hip, nodded eagerly. He always lit up when James asked him a question, or did anything that focused James’ attention on him.
“Yes! It was truly splendid!”
Peter snorted and leaned to mutter in Remus’ ear.
“Why do they always talk like 18th century gentlemen when we head home?”
Remus and Peter exchanged The Look. The Look had become a very frequent form of communication for the two boys, it was one that shared all their exasperation and mockery for the pureblood lifestyle. There wasn’t a week that passed where James or Sirius didn't do something so pigheadedly pureblooded it didn't deserve The Look.
“Just be grateful that they’re being gentlemen at all- I’d hate to see a repeat of winter break,” Remus muttered with a shudder.
Winter break, the first time the boys split up since their colossal introduction in September, saw an all out love battle on their last day. Remus was practically pummeled to death with affection. The playful roughhousing, intruding tickles, aggressive hair ruffles… well it was all a bit much for Remus, who had never been one for physical touch.
“Oi! What are you two whispering about?”
“Just saying how brilliant this year has been James,” Remus replied placatingly.
Sirius scoffed and let a wide, playful grin take over his face. He smothered it before looking at James with a dramatic look of sorrow.
“Oh, Jamie, summer hasn’t even begun yet, and they're already keeping secrets! I told you our eternal bond would never last!” Sirius wailed, throwing an arm over James, “What did we do to push dear Remus and Peter away? What did we do to deserve such a fate?”
Peter bit his lip and looked anxiously between Remus and Sirius. He was never very good at telling Sirius’ jokes apart from his genuine bouts of melodrama.
“It’s nothing like that!” Peter squeaked, “of course we’re still friends! Remus was just saying how glad he is that you two are acting like gentlemen this time around.”
“Thanks Peter…” Remus mumbled sarcastically, but could not be heard over Sirius’ gasp.
“Excuse me, Remus Lupin, but when are we anything other than gentlemen?”
“I’m sure if you think hard enough, you’ll be able to come up with a few examples.”
Sirius stood, flailing his limbs around wildly.
“Do you hear this, Jamie? Do you hear what your own best friend is saying about you?”
“Certainly not! I do not hear my best friend speaking, as no best friend of mine would ever accuse me of behaving ungentleman-like,” James sniffed.
Remus rolled his eyes, and pulled up his knees, shifting to face the window completely.
Unfortunately, the boys were well acquainted with the Remus Lupin Silent Treatment , and were quick to counter the move. Sirius lunged to pull Remus’ knees back down, climbing into his lap to prevent the walls from going back up.
Remus' arms instantly shot up to push the boy off him, but Sirius was quicker, wrangling them down to his sides.
On the other side of him, Peter quickly shot out of his seat, knowing what was coming next. James replaced him, then pulled Remus into a headlock, giving his skull a good, firm ruffle.
“Still think we aren’t gentlemen?” James shouted into Remus’ ears. Remus wiggled and wiggled, but was not strong enough to break free of Sirius’ barrier.
“Say we’re gentlemen!” Sirius demanded.
“Geroff!”
“Not until you say it!”
“Fine!” Remus thrashed, “you’re perfect gentlemen! Hogwarts has never seen two men more gentle than you!”
James relented, letting Remus out of his arms.
“There, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?”
“I hate you.”
James laughed, tossling Remus’ hair gently before standing up and returning to his seat.
Sirius let go of Remus’ arms, but seemed content to stay in Remus’ lap.
“Comfy?” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, thank you.” Sirius closed his eyes and smiled, relaxing onto Remus.
“Get off?” Remus inquired, polite despite his request.
“I’m good, thanks,” Sirius responded in kind.
Remus decided it was best not to push it.
The rest of the train ride was spent with an easy going camaraderie, the energy never again reaching the peak of the Remus Attack, which Remus was a-okay with.
Sirius stayed in his lap the rest of the ride. Chatting away aimlessly at times, falling asleep in short bursts at others.
When Remus’ lap started falling asleep, he readjusted Sirius, allowing him to sit on the bench, but remain entrapped within Remus legs and chest. Remus shifted to sit along the window, spreading out on the train seat, to which Sirius pliably followed.
Sirius was just waking from an hour-long nap when the train started pulling into London.
“We’re here! We’re here!” James jumped up to collect his bags down from the overhead.
“James, we’re nowhere near the station, we’ve got at least 10 minutes until we actually get there,” Remus countered.
“No time to waste! Mum and Dad are waiting for me!”
In a frenzy, he pulled down his bag, turned to Peter, and gave him a big kiss on each cheek; it was a favoured Potter goodbye, one he only pulled out for big farewells.
“I’ll see you all next term!” He leaned down to kiss Sirius.
“James, you can stay in the carriage with us, there’s no rush. Enjoy our company a bit more, yeah?”
“No can do, Remus,” James extracted himself from Sirius and grabbed Remus’ chin, “got to be the first one out. You know how much Mum and Dad miss me.” He leaned in and placed a sloppy kiss on Remus’ left, then right cheek. Remus pretended that he wasn’t blushing.
When James pulled away, Remus could see Sirius staring up at them with wide, watchful eyes.
“You’ll write, won’t you, Rem?” James asked, turning to pull Peter’s bags down, not even needing to ask to know the boy would follow him.
“Of course, Jamie.”
“Great, see you in September then!”
He slid the door open and all but skipped down the hallway.
“See ya, lads!” Peter chirped as he scrambled to follow James.
After a few moments in silence, Remus turned his attention to Sirius, who was laying still in his arms, head leaned back on Remus’ torso.
Sirius slowly turned his head to look up at Remus, blinking owlishly.
Remus may not like physical affection that much, but it always felt okay when he was sharing it with Sirius. He never felt any of the awkward tensity around Sirius that he felt when the other boys, or even his parents, hugged him.
Sirius grinned up at him slyly.
“Peter left before I could give him a kiss-” he said, creeping closer to Remus.
“Just because James likes to believe he’s French, doesn’t mean you have to too.”
“-James didn’t get a kiss either-” He crept closer to Remus’ face. Remus tried his best to shove him away.
“You stay away from me Sirius Black!”
“- What am I supposed to do with all my farewell kisses now?”
“Sirius-”
“If only there was someone who could take all the kisses they missed out on-”
“Sirius!”
“You don’t understand Remus!” Sirius started trembling, “if I don’t kiss someone soon, they're going to build up and transform into something else! Oh no! I can feel it happening already!”
“ Don’t you dare,”
Sirius wriggled so he and Remus were chest to chest, then pounced, licking a stripe from Remus’ jaw to forehead.
“Get off me you mangy dog!” He pushed Sirius, but Sirius was not deterred. He pecked kisses across Remus’ face as Remus writhed and wriggled underneath him.
“Good bye Peter!” He kissed Remus on the cheek and forehead, “goodbye James,” other cheek, nose, “goodbye Remus,” eyebrow, ch-
The train lurched as it halted in the station, and Sirius’ lips were redirected, and fell hard on to Remus’ mouth.
They stayed like that, both in too much shock to know what to do next. Their lips were frozen, eyes wide and bugging out as they stared into each other's iris’.
Sirius moved his lips tentatively, pursing them ever so slightly to give Remus a proper peck, then pulled away. He removed himself from Remus fully, blushing as he did so.
Remus stayed where he was, frozen against the bench.
“Er…” Sirius scratched his head, “happy summer, Remus. Have a good break.” He coolly got up, and collected his items. Remus was yet to move.
At the door, he turned back and smiled at Remus shyly.
“Goodbye, Remus,” he winked, blew Remus a kiss, then strutted into the hall.
Second Year
“Ah! Remus!” James cheered as he entered the dorm, “You’re back from your… visit.”
Remus smiled weakly at James from where he lounged on his bed. Madame Pomfrey had just given him the okay to return to his courses, and he decided to go for a quick kip while he waited for lunch to finish.
“Hope your mum is doing okay… no new injuries I assume?”
“Er,” Remus paused, thrown off by the unusual question, “no. No new injuries. Injuries aren’t really a side effect of her illness.”
“Mmm. And what illness does she have again?”
Remus’ hands felt clammy as he clenched them. He knew James didn’t mean anything by the question, but it freaked Remus out to see James so invested in his lie.
Remus opened and closed his mouth, the lie not forthcoming. It should be second nature by this point, and yet Remus found it impossible to look James in the eye and tell him anything but the truth.
“Right,” James came over and clapped Remus on the back, “that’s what I thought.”
He didn’t sound upset, merely contemplative, like he was putting together the missing piece in a puzzle.
The sentence snapped Remus from his daze. He fell onto his bed and immediately began stammering over his excuse.
“She- she has-”
James waved him off and crawled on to the bed to lie next to Remus.
“You don’t have to answer Remus. I’m not an auror, you’re not under investigation, I’m sorry I asked.”
“Thanks, James,” he replied quietly.
They fell into a silence, both lost to their thoughts, when James jolted. He propped himself up on his elbow, and leaned over Remus.
“You thinking of coming to potions today?”
Remus snorted.
“You know I can’t miss any more classes than I already do. Course I am.”
James grimaced and flopped back onto the pillow.
“Right. Well, whatever you do, don’t mention it.”
“Hmm?” Remus turned to look at his friend.
“We’ve tried everything, and it hasn’t worked,” he said more to himself, before looking at Remus with a glint of panic in his eyes, “so don’t say anything. He’s pretty sensitive about it.”
“What? What happened?”
James looked at him thoughtfully and shook his head.
“James?” Remus prompted.
A mischievous smile cracked through James’ demeanour.
“Best for you to just wait and see for yourself.”
So, Remus waited. He waited for the rest of lunch, James dawdling by his side. He waited during the slow, wince-inducing walk from Gryffindor tower to the dungeons. He waited at his table, watching as James attempted to entertain his own desk partner, Lily Evans, much to her chagrin.
He waited, not knowing what for, until he realised that the whole potions class had filled with students, except for his own desk partner, Sirius Black.
Slughorn cleared his throat, ready to take attendance when Sirius finally stormed in.
A cheer of giggles erupted as he slunk towards Remus. With each jeer and laugh, his perfect eyebrows sunk a little further.
“Good of you to join us, Mr. Black,” Slughorn said jovially as Sirius slumped into his seat.
He refused to look at Remus.
“Not. A word,” he grit out, eyes set straight ahead.
Remus scanned his friend, unsure of what was causing the unusual behaviour. Slughorn started his lesson plan, but Remus couldn’t be bothered to pay attention, not when he was scanning Sirius for the root of his unhappiness.
“Ahem.”
Remus looked up at the noise to see Lily staring at him. She widened her eyes, and pointedly lifted her gaze up towards the ceiling. She glanced back at Remus, then repeated the action.
Cautiously, Remus returned his gaze to Sirius, and slowly let it drift up. Floating above his head was a piece of mistletoe. Every few seconds, it would dip down and swat Sirius on the head, until it resumed its place just a few inches above his skull.
Remus was immediately fascinated. He’d heard of wizards’ mistletoe before, but he’d never seen it in action. It was a peculiar magical item, but from what Remus knew, it shouldn’t be able to target a specific person. Sure, it could move around, but it would never follow those who walked by it.
Joke shops tended to sell counterfeit mistletoe, ones that would freeze people underneath it, or scream when it didn’t get to witness a kiss. This mistletoe certainly wasn’t screaming… Remus scooted his chair slightly and leaned as far away from Sirius as possible. Nope- not frozen either.
“Would you stop that,” Sirius snapped under his breath, “I’m not going to bloody kiss you.”
“I know!” Remus was quick to reply. A quick look from Slughorn prevented him from saying anything more.
When Slughorn finished, and instructed students to gather their supplies from the potions cupboard, Sirius was out of his spot in an instant. Remus watched as the mistletoe bobbed along with him.
“Stop staring at me!” Sirius said fiercely once he’d returned, dumping their ingredients on the table.
“Fascinating piece of magic…” Remus muttered to himself, reaching up to touch the plant.
Sirius swatted him away.
“Do not touch my mistletoe.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s mine and I say so. Hands off!”
Remus folded his hands neatly on his lap and continued his study from a distance.
“Aren’t you going to bloody say something?”
“I was told not to,” Remus answered politely. Sirius banged his head on the table.
“Why the long face, Black,” Severus sneered as he walked past Remus and Sirius’ table.
“Bloody git! What did you do to me?”
“It’s only a bit of mistletoe, Black,” Severus said innocently, “thought you’d love to have an excuse to snog some birds.”
“Make it go away!”
“Hmm, no, I don’t think I will. I don’t know about you, but I personally love the fact that you can’t get a girl to touch you, even with a mistletoe hanging off your every move.”
“I have no problems getting girls to kiss me, Snivellus, something I’m sure you can’t relate to.”
“Whatever you say, Black.”
“It’s true!” SIrius slammed his hand on the desk, “I snog birds all the time! And I don’t need a bloody mistletoe to help with that!”
Severus only hummed and continued along to his table.
“Wanker!” Sirius called after him, before slinking down into his chair and glaring at Remus.
“I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal of this,” Remus said thoughtfully.
Sirius had a rant prepared.
“Everybody thinks I’ve done it to myself! Think it’s another classic Marauder prank! The girls laugh at me everytime I come near them! They think I charmed it, that I’m so desperate I need a bloody plant to get them to snog me. I am not desperate,” Sirius huffed and glared at all who were eyeing the offending sprig. He rubbed at his eyes furiously and sighed. “I can’t even breathe without them thinking I’m trying to make a move!”
Remus hummed in acknowledgment and paused to think about Sirius’ statement.
“And the real reason?”
“That bloody git Snivellus pulled a prank on me and for once I don’t know what to do about it. It’s infuriating. Snivellus actually managed to get one over me… and now I’ve got to live with the proof hitting me in the head every 5 seconds. It’s been a day and we can’t get it to go away. When did Snivellus get so good at charms anyway?”
Remus bit his lip as he attempted to stifle a laugh.
“Well… I’m not sure it’s something you can dispel with magic.”
“What do you know?” Sirius asked curiously, eyeing him suspiciously.
“...Sirius,” he sighed, “it’s mistletoe.”
“So?” Sirius looked at him flatly.
“So, I think to get it to go away you have to… y’know.”
“No I don’t. What do I have to do?”
Remus groaned and threw a hand in his hair.
“You probably have to… actually… kiss… someone.”
Sirius thought on it for a moment, when he came to the same conclusion, his face brightened, and he looked at Remus with an earnest joy.
“Remus! You’re brilliant!”
Remus scowled.
“I’m really not, I think anyone could put two and two tog- upmh!”
Remus suddenly found himself nose to nose with Sirius, lips pressing roughly into his own.
“Sirius!” He shrieked as he shoved the boy away.
Sirius looked up at his mistletoe hopefully, and faltered slightly to see it still there.
“Ah, well, probably requires more tongue. Proper snog, and all that,” Sirius shrugged, before jumping Remus again.
Remus, while ready for it, did not have enough manpower to escape Sirius’ grasp. Sirius went in tongue first, placing it on Remus closed, pursed lips, before the rest of his mouth joined him. He sloppily ran it back and forth over Remus’ mouth, but Remus refused to show any signs of reciprocation.
“C’mon Remus, I can’t tongue you if you don’t open up a little.”
“ Do not-”
But Sirius saw his opening and tried again.
This time, when Sirius placed his lips on Remus, something cold and tingly fell over him. Remus shuddered with the contact, and so did Sirius. The effect seemed to scare both of them; Sirius didn’t even try to tongue Remus before pulling away.
Except.
Except he wasn’t pulling away.
Sirius tugged hard, moved his head back wildly, but stayed glued to Remus’ lips.
Sirius’ eyes snapped to Remus’. He placed his hands on Remus’ shoulders and shoved, trying to pry himself off, but to no avail. The class burst out laughing around them.
“Oh my, what do we have here?” Slughorn said as he noted the cause of the commotion.
Remus could make out Snapes’ distinct giggle from the table next to them, and from the corner of his eye, he could see Snape shuffling his wand back into his robes.
“Sir! ‘elp!” Sirius wailed.
Slughorn walked over to them, looking them up and down.
Remus simply wanted to die.
“Hmm, bit of a poorly timed sticking charm, I see. Well, my boys, that’ll teach you not to, erm, get… distracted … during class.”
Remus tried to argue that they were not distracted , but his attempts were futile with his limited mouth movement.
“I’d give you detention, but, given that you’ll have to wait for the sticking charm to wear off… Well, I think that’ll be enough punishment for today. Nonetheless, 10 points each from Gryffindor for engaging in extracurricular activities during class.”
Remus made an embarrassing squeaking noise at the idea being attached to Sirius for who knows how long.
“I’m going to kill you,” Remus said, as best he could.
“I’m going to kill Snape,” was Sirius’ slurred response.
Third Year
“Moony!” James hissed at Remus.
Remus looked up from his book and turned his head both ways to see why James was whispering. They were alone in the dorm, and had been for an hour or so since Peter and Sirius went to divination. Remus couldn’t see what had inspired James’ hushed tone.
“Yes, James?”
James waved him over urgently to come join him at the bay window. Remus sighed and collected himself, before joining his friend.
He looked out the window and could see Lily and the girls soaking up the spring sun.
“What,” Remus said flatly, not happy to have moved for some more girl-related rubbish.
James looked out the window mournfully, then down at his hands.
“You know how you snogged Sirius last year?”
“For the final time, we did not snog-”
“Yeah, yeah, semantics. You remember it, right?”
“Of course I bloody remember, I was stuck to him for seven hours!” Remus exclaimed as he sat next to James.
“Would you say…” James paused, shaking his head, “was it nice?”
Remus raised his eyebrows.
“I mean,” James tugged at his hair, “I imagine that kissing Sirius probably wasn’t much to gloat about, and I know it was uncomfortable trying to get ready for bed when you were stuck together, but it was nice for a little bit, right? Kissing is nice? Even if it’s with a bloke?”
Remus scowled, nothing about his previous kiss with Sirius had been nice at all. It had been uncomfortable and wet and itchy.
“Why are you asking, James?”
James looked away.
“You’ve also kissed Mannon Sheppard.”
Remus' mouth dropped open, his brows arched higher, if possible.
“Where on earth did you hear that?”
“Lily,” He blushed, “I asked her out the other day, and she said no, and if I ever did date any one of you Marauders, it certainly wouldn’t be you, Potter, so I said, alright, who would it be then? and she said, Remus, because he has kind eyes and Mannon Sheppard says he’s a good snog, so I said-”
“James,” Remus placed a hand on his shoulder, “I think Lily was just trying to rile you up. I never snogged Mannon Sheppard. I don’t even think I’ve ever had a conversation with her. She’s a Hufflepuff, right?”
“Slytherin,” James grimaced.
“See! Not that I’ve been snogging anyone, but if I were I definitely wouldn’t snog a Slytherin!”
James paused, and looked down at his nails, picking at his cuticles.
“I know you like to keep your secrets, Moony, I understand why you wouldn’t tell us about Mannon-”
“James. I didn’t kiss h-”
“-but I need your expertise now. I’m utterly pants at it and I don’t know how I’ll go on, let alone convince Lily to ever be with me.”
“James, I’m not in your head. How many times are we going to discuss this? Full sentences please.”
“Right,” James shook himself. He inhaled sharply, then spoke in one breath, “ I want Lily Evans to be my girlfriend so bad and I don’t want anyone but her but I want to make sure I’m a good kisser when we’re together so she won’t leave me but I want to be loyal to her and I can’t kiss Sirius coz he’ll make fun of me and I can’t kiss Pete coz he’d be worse at it than me and you’ve kissed two people which means you know what you’re doing so please Moony can you teach me how to snog? ”
James gasped for air as his sentence came to an end. Remus blinked, and a startled, unexpected laugh tore through him.
“Don’t laugh!” James wailed, throwing his head back and banging it on the wall.
Remus chuckled to himself, despite James’ request, and scooted forward.
Remus truly had never kissed Mannon Sheppard. He’d never kissed anyone. Well, except for Sirius, but he didn’t really count those because they were accidents; they didn’t mean anything.
But, as puberty took hold of his body, Remus couldn’t help but privately return to those kisses, and what it would have felt like if they did mean something,
Remus certainly had no attraction to Sirius, what with him being the crazy bugger he was, but lately, Remus couldn’t help but wonder if boys, and the act of kissing them, would be something that he… wasn’t opposed to.
Remus eyed James wearily, who was now sulking out the window.
Kissing James, or more, teaching James to kiss… well, that would be a great, safe, easy way to figure out if he liked boys, right? No possible outing, no emotional risk, just good ol’ snogging. Remus nodded to himself, making up his mind. He hoped James would forgive him when he realised Remus had no clue what he was doing.
“Okay.” Remus said simply. James’ head snapped up.
“What?”
“Okay, I’ll kiss you.” He grabbed James’ shoulders and manoeuvred him so they were facing each other.
“What? Right now?” James sputtered.
“When else, you wanker? We’ve got the dorm to ourselves, and you never know when Lily will succumb to your charms.”
James’ ears tinged pink, and he nodded frantically. James reached out, and clasped Remus’ shirt in his fists.
“Right, right, okay, yes,” James nodded so frantically his glasses fell to the tip of his nose. Remus chuckled and pushed the glasses back up, then slid his hand over to cup James’ cheek.
James’ mouth dropped at the gesture, his eyes blown wide.
“Ready?” Remus asked.
James' face fell into one of determination.
“Ready,” he nodded, and pulled at Remus’ shirt until Remus was tumbling over him.
Remus nudged closer, until their noses were touching.
“Last chance to back out,” Remus told him. James shook his head.
“Just kiss me, Lup-”
The door to the dorm swung open.
“Merlin, and her face when MacDonald said she saw the grim in my cup… fucking priceless” Sirius’ laugh filled the room.
“I think you should be a bit more worried about that, Sirius, she said it’s an omen of death!”
Remus and James froze, seemingly unable to move from their incriminating position.
“She says everything’s an omen of death! Honestly professor…” Sirius trailed off abruptly, “what the fuck are you two doing?”
Remus and James turned their heads to face their dormmates at the same time, donning the same guilty grins and red cheeks.
“Just…y’know…wrestling,” Remus said.
“Really? Coz it looks like you’re having a go at it,” Sirius snorted. Remus and James quickly glanced at each other then back at Sirius.
Sirius’ jaw dropped, his bag fell to the ground.
“ No,” he gasped, “are you having a go at it?”
The accusation spurred Remus and James into action. They detangled and jumped apart.
“No,” Remus vehemently denied, as James placed out a hand and defensively cried “not yet!”
Remus whacked James on the back of the head.
“What’s goin on?” Peter asked.
“What’s going on is that our two best friends are a pair of queers!”
Something deep and dark dropped to the bottom of Remus’ stomach at the outrage in Sirius’ voice. Remus suddenly felt ashamed of everything: of encouraging James, of the feelings he’d been having for boys, of his obsession over the 2 kisses he’s had in his life.
Perhaps Remus didn’t need to kiss James to know he liked boys, perhaps this shame was all he needed to feel in order to know.
“We’re not, really, I promise,” James scrambled, “right, Remus?”
But Remus was as good as lost to the world, shutting in on himself as he fully thought through the consequences of being a queer in today’s society.
“Remus?” James prodded again. Remus stared diligently at the hands he’d clasped over his lap.
James looked at him a moment longer, Remus could feel the concern emanating from him, but eventually returned his attention to Sirius and Peter.
“Remus was being a good mate, and agreed to teach me how to snog since I don’t know how, and you two sorry excuses for men certainly don’t either,” James puffed out his chest. He looked at Sirius daringly. “And if you have anything against queers,” James spat out the word, “I’d strongly recommend you reconsider your values if you’d still like to be a Marauder.”
The room suddenly turned cold. No one had ever threatened to revoke Marauder status before. And no one would ever think James of all people would threaten that to Sirius. Sirius spluttered, and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Of course I don’t have anything wrong with it!”
“Good,” James said fiercely, then slung an arm around Remus, “now, if you wouldn’t mind buggering off, we were kind of in the middle of something.”
James grabbed Remus’ chin and tilted it towards him. He leaned in slowly, to give the boys time to leave. It was deadly silent, and as James came within a hair's breadth of a distance, the silence was finally broken.
“Well, what about us then?” Sirius said impatiently. Once again, Remus and James’ heads snapped to him.
“I’m sorry?” James gawked.
“You said you couldn’t ask me or Pete how to snog, coz we’ve never done it before. Why do you get to learn how, and we don’t?”
“Uh…”
“Right, Pete? Don’t you want an opportunity to learn how to snog?”
“I mean, this isn’t my ideal situation, but I wouldn’t be opposed…”
“Great!” Sirius clapped Peter on the back and began walking closer to Remus and James, “it’s perfect, there’s 4 of us, so we can pair off evenly.”
“Sure,” James said slowly.
Remus had still been rather unresponsive during all this, but his anxiety was beginning to dissipate with the turn of events. He looked up at Sirius as he arrived in front of them, towering from where he stood. He snuck out a hand, and grabbed Remus’ bicep.
“Dibs on Remus!” He shouted, tugging Remus up and away from James.
“What?” James bellowed, standing up.
Sirius ushered Remus to his bed and grinned maniacally at James.
“You take Pete, I’ll take Remus!”
“I asked Remus first! He’s my kissing partner!” James stomped his foot, much like a toddler seeing someone else play with their favourite toy.
“But you didn’t call dibs, did you?”
James opened his mouth to retaliate, then closed it promptly and sagged. “No, I don't suppose I did,” he relented, “but why do I have to kiss Pete? Why can’t you, or Remus?”
Sirius shoved Remus onto his bed, and drew the drapes tight. Remus let himself get thrown around, deciding to sink into the mattress while he listened to the debate.
“Because I can’t kiss you, you’re my brother. And I don’t want to kiss Pete!”
“Well I certainly don’t want to kiss Pete!”
“Why does no one want to kiss me?” came Peter's soft voice.
“I’ll kiss you, Pete!” Remus called out from Sirius’ bed.
Sirius pulled back the drapes slightly, and stuck his head in, scowling at Remus.
“No. You’re kissing me.”
“Do I get any say in this?” Remus asked lazily. Sirius grinned and shook his head. He ducked back out of the drapes briefly to yell at James to deal with it , then climbed onto the mattress, and pulled the drapes tight.
Once settled, they sat across from each other cross-legged, knees touching. Sirius seemed suddenly shy.
His legs jittered up and down, and he kept tucking then untucking his hair.
“So, how do we get started?” Sirius asked, looking anywhere but Remus.
“How should I know?”
“You’re the one who snogged Mann-”
“I did not snog Mannon Sheppard,” Remus groaned, rolling his eyes. He fell back on the mattress and propped himself up on his elbows.
“Have you really not?” Sirius looked at him curiously.
“No, the only person I've ever kissed is, er, well… you.”
He looked at Sirius shyly, and was met with a gaze filled with wonder. It was a daunting look, one that made Remus fizz from head to toe. Remus had never been drunk before, but he imagined this is what it felt like, all woozy and pleasant, filled with staticy unease but surrounded with lush comfort.
Sirius bit his lip, and tilted his head. It was such a small gesture, one that wasn’t unfamiliar to Sirius, and yet something about the movement, in this moment, unlocked a devout feeling of admiration within Remus. Remus laughed suddenly at the thought he had earlier that hour. Of course he was attracted to Sirius, of course . He liked him because he was a crazy bugger, not despite it.
Remus bit his own lip to stifle his laugh, worried he looked like a mad man in front of Sirius. But, there was obviously something about Remus, perhaps his laughter, his honesty- Remus had no clue what could be endearing about himself- but there was something , as Sirius puffed up like a balloon and crawled over Remus, until he was hovering just about him.
Sirius tentatively pushed Remus down until his elbows had collapsed beneath him, but remained at a distance. Remus yearned for him to come closer, the desire to tug Sirius down and feel him on every part of his body overwhelming him.
Sirius, only partially answering the call, smiled and tilted his head lower.
It wasn’t anything like waiting to kiss James. He felt nothing but apathy towards that, kissing James would be no better or worse than reading a book.
But this, the few moments he waited for Sirius to descend upon him, was torture. He’d never felt like this before. He sort of hated it, but his thrumming excitement was too distracting to focus on any other overwhelming feeling.
Finally, Sirius’ lips reached Remus’, and Remus was finally confronted with the fact that he didn’t actually know how to kiss.
He tried to respond enthusiastically, surging forward to lean into Sirius’ touch, but that only ended up with them clashing foreheads and clanking teeth.
They both groaned in pain, pulling away for a second, before they were back at it.
And at it, they were.
For 14 year old Remus Lupin, it was the most wild, crazy, and depraved thing he’d ever been part of, and he’d been part of a lot of wild, crazy, and depraved things. Full moons and pranks, to name a few.
He felt like he was in the middle of a cover for one of those bodice ripper romance novels. He felt sultry and sexy, as he lay flat underneath Sirius.
Of course, this kiss itself was horrible.
Neither of them knew what they were doing. It was awkward, and messy, and neither of them understood the idea of subtly, or less is more , but for Remus and his limited experience, it was the hottest, best damn kiss of his entire life. What they lacked in skill, talent, and general compatibility, they made up for in enthusiasm. Lots, and lots of enthusiasm.
“I can’t do this anymore,” James wailed from the other side of the drape, “how are you guys fairing?”
Sirius grunted in response and bit down on Remus’ bottom lip. Hard. Remus swatted at the boy's head, but his hold remained. In fact, he bit down harder, shaking his head like a dog with a toy, brushing away all of Remus’ attempts to get him to lighten up.
“Let go, you mutt,” Remus mumbled. Luckily for Remus, he did.
“Sirius? Did you hear me? I asked- OH MY GOD!”
Sirius pulled away and they both turned to see James in the gap of the drapes, hands over his eyes as he fumbled backwards.
“My eyes! My eyes!” He cried, “Circe's tits! Are you auditioning for a porno or something?”
“Shut up, wanker.” Sirius yelled, sitting up and away from Remus, exaggeratedly wiping at his mouth, “we said we were learning to snog, so we’re learning to snog!”
“Oh, I can see that,” James replied unhappily, rubbing his eyes.
“I take it your session didn’t go too well?” Remus asked, his voice coming out high and broken.
“He kissed me on the corner of my mouth then chickened out,” Peter proclaimed from somewhere on James’ bed.
“What you two were doing, that was- uck! I’m going to have nightmares about that.”
Sirius rolled his eyes and stood up, before jumping on James’ back.
“You’re just jealous you didn’t get a snog.”
“I am not!” James replied petulantly, blindly swatting at Sirius.
“No, he’s just jealous he didn’t get to snog Moony,” Peter hollered.
James paused, “Yeah, you’re right,” he said through a coy smile.
They boys broke out into a fit of laughter, but Remus was still stuck in a trance. He thumped back against Sirius’ pillow, placed two fingers to his lips, and smiled to himself.
He looked over at Sirius, carefree and blissful as ever as he wrestled James to the ground.
I fancy Sirius Black, Remus flushed at the thought. His fingers kept trailing his lips, his eyes trailing Sirius, content to live in the aftermath of the kiss.
That was, until something sour started churning in his stomach. Something dark and cold, something that informed him that Sirius hadn’t looked at him once since their kiss, not so much as a sparing glance. It told him that Sirius had gotten as far away from him and as quickly as possible, had thrown himself into a distraction so as to not be confronted by Remus.
This dark something told him that he fancied Sirius Black, but Sirius Black didn’t fancy him back.
The thought ruined Remus more than he would have liked to admit.
Fourth Year
After that mess of a kiss, Sirius avoided him for nearly a month, only returning to him like nothing had happened the morning after the following moon.
Remus learned his lesson. Many, in fact.
He learned he was bisexual, he learned not to snog his best mate like his life depended on it, and he learned he was in love with Sirius Black.
Well, he learned that point a bit later on, but that kiss had been the first step to figuring it out.
The rational part of his brain told him he wasn’t in love. He was only a month away from 15, he was much too young to know what love really was.
But Remus knew. He knew in the sharp pangs that shot through his chest every time Sirius so much as looked at him, he knew in the way his stomach would flutter and flip at the sound of Sirius’ laugh, he knew in the way his body would heat up, setting every cell on fire, everytime Sirius touched him. He knew it. He was hopelessly, irrevocably, disgustingly in love.
But if there was one thing, more important than all, that he learned from that damned kiss they shared nearly a year ago, it was to not mention it. There would be no grand, sweeping romance with Sirius. Sirius made that clear in the way he had shunned Remus. Remus would just have to pine away from a distance until he finally got over it.
Though watching and pining at a distance is much easier said than done, especially when one is friends with a bunch of no good, trouble making Gryffindors.
“Truth or dare, Remus,” Lily grinned devilishly as she stared Remus down.
It was another Saturday spent around the fireplace, passing a bottle of Odeon’s finest around. Since discovering alcohol at the beginning of fourth year, the Marauders were quick to join forces with the fourth year girls, and often found themselves hanging around in these lazy, dare-filled parties.
“Er, Truth.”
“Boooorrrinngggg,” Sirius sang from his place, lounging on the couch.
Remus reached up from where he was perched at Sirius’ feet to swat him over the head.
“Oi! Mind the hair!”
Remus rolled his eyes and sunk back into his sitting position, nodding for Lily to go on.
Lily hummed to herself, a far away look settling into her eyes before she giggled, and turned her attention back to Remus.
“Remus, if you had to shag one of your silly little Marauders, who would pick?”
All three boys immediately perked up, preening as they expected to be chosen.
“Er…” Remus blushed violently, his eyes swivelling between James and Sirius on the couch, and Peter by the fireplace. “Can I say no one?”
“Don’t be a twat,” James scowled, “we won’t be offended over who you pick.”
Not really what I’m worried about, James, he thought to himself.
“Obviously, I’d make the best lay,” Sirius said cockily, “so, really, you wasted a truth, Evans. Next time, try not to pick such an easy question.”
“You would not make the best lay,” James scoffed, “Rem and I would be the most compatible, physically , y’know? Because we’re both tall.”
“Been thinking a lot about our physical compatibility, have you Jamie?” Remus smirked, not able to help it.
“Of course I have! What kind of mate do you think I am if I don’t consider who’d make the best shags.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Remus smiled fondly.
He looked back at the group, smiling pleasantly. Everyone was looking at him.
“Remus?” Lily prompted, “your answer?”
Bugger. He thought James had distracted them enough to move on.
“Er, Pet-”
“Do not say Peter just to spare his feelings,” Sirius growled, kicking Remus on the arm.
“Ouch! Wanker,” Remus rubbed his arm, “and I’m not sparing his feelings! Pete is cuddly and soft. Not to mention warmer than you lot!”
Sirius levelled him a cut the bullshit look.
Remus glanced at Peter and sent him a guilty smile.
“Sorry, Pete,” Peter waved him off. Remus turned his attention back to the boys on the couch, because apparently he was answering to them now, and not Lily Evans. He looked James in the eye. “I suppose you're right, with our heights and all. Guess if I had to choose I’d pick J-”
Sirius emitted a guttural, growl-like noise, which he turned into a pointed cough. Remus sighed and looked at him. Sirius’ face was pinched, his jaw set. He glared at Remus fiercely, daringly.
Remus sighed and threw his hands in the air in defeat.
“Fine! I’ll shag Sirius!”
The girls cheered at the admission, and Sirius’ face immediately went from stormy and dark to cheery and incandescent.
“That’s a good boy, Moon Moon,” Sirius cooed as he pat Remus on the cheeks. Remus swatted him away.
“Mary,” Remus said loudly, attempting to take the attention off of him and his red cheeks, “truth or dare?”
The game passed as it always did, quickly and with lots of laughter. The group got progressively more drunk, and soon the dares were becoming sillier and more extravagant with each turn. To Remus’ surprise, it was Marlene who took it to the level the rowdy crowd of teenagers were waiting for.
“Truth! Or Dare!” Marlene slurred, tumbling down slightly as she pointed at Sirius.
“Dare!” Sirius bellowed, jumping up onto the couch and banging at his chest.
He’d undone his shirt at some point, letting it hang carelessly by his sides. His tie stuck around his head like a headband. Remus tried his best not to ogle the uncovered chest, or the artfully ruffled hair.
Marlene smirked and fell back into the lap of Dorcas Meadowes. She swung around the bottle as she proclaimed her dare.
“I dare you, Sirius Wet Blanket Black-”
“Oi!”
“To snog the next person who comes through the portrait.”
“Easy,” Sirius scoffed, “thought you’d be a bit more imaginative, McKinnon” Sirius sniffed, slumping back into his seat.
But it wasn’t easy at all, was it? A first year could come in, or a prefect, or someone beautiful and better than Remus in every way, and then it would all be over, wouldn’t it?
Despite the reputation Sirius had procured throughout the year, he’d admitted to Remus that he’d only snogged him, and Mary MacDonald. Sirius and Mary obviously didn’t work out, and despite his best efforts, Remus couldn’t help but secretly hold out hope that maybe Sirius would one day come to his senses and love Remus back. But if he went and kissed someone else… then that dream would never come to fruition. Sirius would be utterly enticed by the snogging god or goddess that came his way.
As Sirius’ dare couldn’t be completed right away, they were quick to move on. Now that kissing was on the table, there were lots of cheeky pecks sent everyone's way. Truths became more sexual, the dares got more spicy, or if you were James, outrageously dangerous.
Everyone knew James would do anything to impress Lily, and he took truth or dare very seriously in his never ending attempt to gain her attention. Nothing was off limits for James, especially if Lily was the darer. A fact Lily both knew and used.
“James, Truth or Dare?”
“Dare,” he replied smugly.
Lily grinned wickedly.
“I dare you to set off 20 dungbombs in McGonagall's office.”
James’ smirk dropped.
“Wh-what?” He said shakily. Not even he had the gall to directly prank a teacher.
“What’s the matter?” Lily batted her eyes, “I thought your lot loved to pull pranks?”
“Er, yes,” James straightened, “we do.” He paused momentarily, then made his resolve. A sly grin broke over his face. “Don’t wait up for me, if McG finds me out, I’ll be serving detention all night.”
With that he jumped out of the room, up to the dorm to grab some dungbombs, and then was on his way out of the common room. He saluted their group before the portrait swung close.
“He is so dead,” Mary snickered.
They continued with their game. As the night went on, the dares slowly started to peter out, the participants growing tired and lazy.
But Remus was still wired. He barely removed his eyes from the door, waiting to see who would come in next.
“Alright, done!” James popped out of literally nowhere (thank you invisibility cloak) and dropped down next to Lily.
Lily screamed at his arrival, the other girls jolting as well.
“Where the bloody hell did you come from?”
James looked at her curiously.
“McGonagall's? You know, where you dared me to go?”
“I know that,” she swatted his arm, “but when did you come in? We didn’t see you, or hear you.”
“A lady never reveals her secrets.”
“Good thing you’re not a lady,” Lily shot back.
“How do you know?” James replied snootily, “have you checked?” He paused, then shuffled forward to leer at Lily, “would you like to?” He waggled his eyebrows.
“Gross, Potter,” she shoved him away, “do you want me to hex-”
“POTTER!”
The group jumped as the portrait swung open. McGonagall stood in its frame in her tartan pyjamas, absolutely fuming.
“My office. Now.”
“Yes, M’am,” James scrambled up immediately.
But she didn’t wait for her office to begin lecturing James, yelling at him in front of the whole common room about responsibility and growing up.
Their group watched on in a dazed, drunken awe, as James took it like a champ. That was, until Peter made a choking, guffawing noise.
“Oh my god,” He stood up and pointed at McGonagall. He looked at Sirius, then back at Mcgonagall, then back at Sirius, a crazed smile taking over his face. “Oh my god!”
Their group followed Peter’s movements, trying to figure out what he was on about. It hit everybody at once.
“No, no, absolutely not!” Sirius crossed his arms, but was barely heard over Marlene’s scream of a laugh. She tumbled fully into Dorcas’ lap, kicking her feet in the air as she cackled with abandon.
“You have to snog McGonagall!”
Sirius was at Marlene’s side in an instant. He got on his knees, and raised a pleading fist.
“Please, please, I can’t! She’s a professor! She’s more of a mother than my own mother is! I’d have detention until I die if I even tried. ”
Marlene chortled.
“Please, I’ll snog anyone, but not her!”
“Maybe he can snog James instead?” Lily offered, “he was technically the first person to come through the portrait door.”
“Yes, but we didn’t see him, did we?” Marlene mused, “I wouldn’t be surprised if Potter had other ways of getting into Gryffindor Tower, so we can’t take it for granted that he just came in through the portrait.”
“Plus, he’s not even here anymore,” Peter pointed out, noting the absence of their bravest Marauder and their favourite professor.
“May he rest in peace,” Remus signed the cross and took a swig of his drink.
“Okay, okay,” Marlene took pity on him, “I, Marlene McKinnon, officially amend my dare for Sirius Black, on the grounds that he cannot snog a professor, as that would be weird and gross, and traumatising for all to see.”
“Hear, hear!” Dorcas cheered.
“I now dare thee, Sirius Black, to snog Remus Lupin, instead.”
“WHAT?” Both boys guffawed.
Marlene grinned at them wickedly.
“Why- why Remus?” Sirius squeaked.
“Yeah, why me?”
“Well,” Marlene looked at Sirius, “not a very good dare if you’re snogging a girl, is it? You’d probably like that too much. And Lupin already said he’d shag you… a snog’s not so far off from a shag, now, is it?”
The group was howling with laughter, but both boys were frozen.
Remus couldn’t do this. Not again.
But Sirius had clearly made up his mind. He looked at Remus shyly, and began to tentatively crawl over to Remus.
Remus ought to object. He couldn’t handle another meaningless kiss with Sirius, not when it already meant so much to him. But the look on Sirius’ face stilled him, it captured him in a net, tugging him in helplessly.
“Hi,” Sirius breathed, all too tender for a dare, as he arrived in front of Remus.
“Hi,” Remus replied shakily.
Sirius placed two firm hands on Remus’ shoulders, and scooted forward.
“Is this okay?” He asked Remus quietly.
Remus couldn’t think, let alone speak.
He nodded curtly.
Holy shit, he thought, I’m about to kiss Sirius again. He decided that if this was going to be his last chance he might as well make it a good one.
Before he knew it, Sirius was pushing forward and placing a sweet, tender kiss on his lips. It was slow, tantalisingly so. It was much softer than the previous kisses they’d shared. Remus needed more; he craved it.
He fisted Sirius’ shirt and pulled him closer. Sirius squealed at the motion, but fell easily into Remus’ lap. Remus didn’t stop there. He worked Sirius’ mouth, asking for permission to enter, which Srius granted. Remus had no clue where his confidence came from, but the longer Sirius let Remus snog him, the more it grew. Remus took over completely, until Sirius was practically putty in his hands.
They kept going, longer than they ought to have. It wasn’t until a needy moan slipped out of Sirius’ mouth that they pulled apart.
There was silence around them, the girls looked on in awe.
“Bloody hell, Moony, when’d you learn to kiss like that?” Sirius swiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
Remus tried to smile, but it quickly fell from his face. He opted to look at his lap instead, and was reminded of the fact that Sirius had not yet extricated himself from Remus' lap.
“We were dared to snog, so I gave you a snog,” he muttered, “wouldn’t want you forfeiting your turn just because you gave me a peck.”
“Right,” Sirius said distantly, his fingers coming up to trail his lips. He looked at Remus as if he had never seen him before, “bloody brilliant, that was.”
“Yeah?” Remus said fondly.
Sirius nodded definitively.
“Best snog of my life, I’d reckon.”
“Really?” Remus replied, foolishly hopeful.
Sirius clapped him on the back and finally got off Remus’ lap.
“Definitely. Snog some girls like that and they’ll be falling over you instantly,” Sirius laughed.
All of Remus’ hope shattered to the floor.
“Right. Girls.”
“No, don’t go getting all pessimistic, Moony,” Sirius moved to sit next to Remus, knees knocking as he looked Remus in the eye, “I know that you think your furry little problem means you can’t pull any birds, but with a mouth like that, I can confirm you won’t have any problems.”
Remus’ insides squirmed. This was worse than when Sirius had avoided him. Sirius avoiding him at least acknowledged that they had done something, maybe even enjoyed it. But this, the eye contact, the casual touches, the reminder of girls… well it told Remus that the lovely, amazing kiss they just shared didn’t really mean anything to Sirius. It was nothing more than an arm around the shoulder, a knock of the knees. Kissing Remus, despite Sirius’ praise, ultimately meant nothing to him.
Remus didn’t know if he could handle that.
Fifth Year
“Moony, Moony, please,” Sirius begged, running along to try and keep up with Remus. He reached out to fist Remus’ robes. Remus shrugged him off, keeping his head straight forward and his pace unrelenting.
“I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry Moony, I’m sorry. Please, you have to understand! I didn’t- I didn’t know- I-”
Remus scoffed and pursed his lips.
Sirius halted in the middle of the hall, no doubt waiting for Remus to turn around and wait for him. That tactic may have worked before, but not now, not now that there was an after.
“Moony!” He shouted, upon realising Remus wouldn’t be turning back to look at him, wouldn’t play the Orpheius to his Euridices.
Remus kept pushing.
Everything hurt. His muscles, his face, his bloody bleeding heart. A snarl tore its way through him, at the thought of this morning. He’d almost forgotten how bad the moons were before the Marauders started joining him. But last night was a fresh, stinging reminder of what it was like. Before. Before Sirius turned his world to shit, before he burned down every good and treasured memory Remus had about his friends and hogwarts. It was over now, he was surely done for.
“You can’t ignore me forever!” Sirius cried.
“I can damn well try,” Remus muttered to himself, knowing Sirius wouldn’t hear him.
Sirius started to catch up to him again once he made it to the stairs. The trip from the hospital wing to Gryffindor tower was always a long one after the moon, but Remus had taken half the time it normally would to get to the moving stairs in an attempt to stave off Sirius. Unfortunately, the toll of his exercise began to catch up with him, along with the exhaustion and trauma from the night before.
He made a feeble attempt at going up at step, and immediately sagged against the railings.
“Here,” Sirius huffed, wrapping a strong arm around his middle, “let me.”
Remus let himself get pulled into Sirius, allowing Sirius to take the brunt of his weight for only a moment, before he remembered himself.
“Fuck. Off,” he grunted.
“Don’t be daft,” Sirius said sharply, “you can’t even stand on your own.”
“Yeah? And whose fault is that?”
Sirius looked stricken and turned his face away from Remus.
Good , Remus thought bitterly.
Sirius was right though, he would never make it up to the tower alone. They trudged along in silence, Sirius, being smart for once in his life, shut up.
They made it all the way to the common room in silence, before Sirius tried his apology again.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Remus,” he said quietly, a few rogue tears dripping down his cheeks.
Remus snorted.
“Sure.”
“I didn’t.”
“Right.”
“I mean it!” Sirius snapped. They made it to the boys stairwell, and Sirius hands found the small of Remus’ back, supporting his ascent from behind. Remus cursed himself for still shivering at the contact.
“Let me get this clear,” Remus took a shaky step, placing a hand on the wall to help propel himself up, “you told Snape how to get in the willow,”
Another, energy zapping step,
“then didn’t tell anyone,”
Step.
“let him go down their alone,”
Step.
“hoped he’d get mauled by the beast-”
Step.
“-by me,”
Step.
“nearly got him killed,”
Step.
“nearly got JAMES killed,”
Step, step, step.
“then allowed me to tear myself apart, which you fucking knew would happen if I ever got a wiff of a human,”
Step.
“but you 'didn’t mean to hurt me'?”
Remus made it to the top step and immediately pushed Sirius off of him.
“I COULD HAVE DIED,” he roared, “I COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE.”
“Moony,” Sirius warned, “not here.”
Remus scoffed and flung himself into the dorm.
“Moony!” Peter squeaked at his arrival. He was pacing the floor, as James stared out the bay window mournfully.
When he heard Sirius close the door behind him, he continued with his rampage.
“You have ruined everything,” he spat, going red in the face, “I could have been sent to Azkaban, I could have been executed! You claim to not have meant to hurt me, but that is the only thing that could have been your intention.”
“No Moony, I wasn’t thinking,” Sirius reached out for Remus again, “It was only about Snape, never about you.”
“I mean so little to you? That I didn’t even cross your mind when you sent me to do your bidding? When you used me as a chess piece in your petty game of revenge?”
“I- you’re not understanding me, it’s not like that. I love you, Rem-”
“YOU DON'T,” Remus bellowed. “You don’t. You never have. You can’t. You want to know why, Sirius? Because you are incapable of it. Incapable of feeling any emotion that doesn’t serve you, that doesn’t feed back to me me me. You’re no better than the rest of your family.”
“That’s enough,” James said gruffly, not turning to look at them.
“Of course you’re with him on this too,” Remus laughed darkly, “ Let’s send Moony to the gallows! What a fun prank for Padfoot and Prongs!”
“Leave him out of this,” Sirius barked, “if you should be mad at anyone, be mad at me, only me.”
Remus stepped close to Sirius, flicking his eyes up and down his body, giving him the most horrible look he could muster.
“I’m so sorry, Moony,” Sirius breathed, “I never meant to let it get so out of hand. I never wanted to hurt you. Let me make it up to you, please, just let me make it up to you.”
Remus watched him pensively, swaying forward slightly. He watched an ember of hope flicker in Sirius’ eyes at his contemplative silence.
“You can’t,” he said simply, and pushed away from Sirius, turning his back on him.
“Moony, don’t. Don’t freeze me out. I can’t take that.”
Remus didn’t respond, and slunk towards his bed.
“Moony!” Sirius shouted “I’ll do anything ! Please! Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it! Anything to make it up to you.”
Remus tsked and shook his head, he sat on his bed, and Sirius immediately fell to the ground in front of him. He stayed on his knees, looking up at Remus with the pleading puppy dog look he’d mastered over the past year.
“Anything,” he whispered once he’d noticed Remus’ attention.
“Right,” Remus scoffed, “so if I asked you wax my hairy arsecrack every week, for the rest of eternity, you’d do it?”
Sirius nodded adamantly.
“If I asked you to give me a foot bath every night, with a massage and a nail file to match, you’d do that too?”
“Yes,” Sirius hissed, grabbing Remus' ankle roughly.
Remus considered this for a moment, considering how far Sirius would be willing to go.
“And if I told you, you could never speak to James again, you would do that too?”
Sirius paused for a moment, eyes flickering around wildly as he thought about it.
“Yes,” He finally choked out, gutted but true. “ Anything, M-”
Remus couldn’t leave it. He refused.
“Right, right, you’d do anything to make me forgive you. But you can’t arse kiss your way out of this,” Remus paused and looked down at Sirius, and idea sparking in his head, “so I could ask you to get on your knees and beg for my acceptance, for my love, I could ask you to do anything: to touch me, to kiss me, and you’d, what, j-”
Sirius didn’t let him finish before following through.
He lunged up and snatched Remus’ cheeks and pulled him in for a rough, searing kiss.
Remus shoved him off immediately, watching as he stumbled back to the ground in shock.
“Do not touch me!” Remus shouted, tears welling up for the first time since Madame Pomfrey broke the news, “you don’t get to do that anymore.”
He hated the sob that tore through him, his tough guy facade quickly fading. He pulled his knees up to his chest, looking much like a wounded boy.
“Moony,” Sirius tried again, looking heartbroken.
“I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” Remus said tearily, “I can’t do that again. I’m sorry. Please don’t talk to me again.”
Sirius reached out a hand, but Remus was quick to spell his drapes closed.
He sunk into his bed, not even bothering with a silencing spell before he broke out into sobs. He held onto himself as tight as he could, balling himself up as if that would belatedly protect him from Sirius’ wrath.
He fell asleep like that, just like he would for the rest of term.
+1 Summer
Remus, come now. He needs you.
Was all the note said. He turned it over frantically, desperate for more information, but the note was tortiously blank, except for the tiny J.P hastily scrawled at the bottom.
Remus knew there was only one He James could be talking about, but Remus couldn’t make sense of any of it.
He hadn’t spoken to any of the Marauders in 3 months. They were a month into summer break now, and he hadn’t gotten a single letter from any of them until this one. It came at 2 in the bloody morning, no less.
The whole thing had Remus on edge.
If He really was the He Remus was thinking of, then He should be locked up in his room in Grimmauld place. Why would He be with James? And why would James urge Remus to come, if he knew Remus hadn’t forgiven Him yet.
Remus lit a cigarette and smoked it to completion.
His anger had dulled, especially over the month they’d been apart. But he still stung, he still ached, at the thought of the spring’s events. He couldn’t even say His name yet, but he sure could think about Him.
It’s all he did these days. He longed for Him. He mourned Him , their easy relationship. Remus thought of a million new ways to scream at Him , to punish Him for what he’d done, but he’d thought of a million more ways to kiss Him , to wreck Him , to utterly destroy Him with nothing but his lips and a well placed hand.
Remus knew he had to go. There was no question about it, but it scared him, nonetheless. He’d been cruel in those final months of 5th year. He’d let his anger get the best of him. How could James be certain He needed Remus, after the way Remus had treated Him?
Remus didn’t dwell on the thought. For once, he would let his actions guide him, not his brain. He wrote a note to his parents, snuck into his Da’s study, stole some floo powder, and stepped into the fireplace.
“Potter Manor!” He said briskly, throwing the powder down. He was immediately ripped from the fireplace, twisting uncomfortably in a nothing space, before shooting out, then into the Potters’ living room.
He shot straight into the coffee table, and barely had enough time to throw his hands up before a forgotten tea tray came tumbling down upon him.
“Buggering shite,” Remus muttered to himself, sitting up and taking notice of the damage he caused.
A series of footsteps immediately emerged from upstairs, and soon a sickly looking James Potter was poking his head into the room.
“Remus!” James squawked, coming to kneel next to him, “what are you doing?”
“Just thought I’d have a romp about your living room, Prongs.”
James wrinkled his nose.
“Really?” He asked gullibly.
“No, you tosser,” Remus shoved James. James fell back but used the motion to propel himself off the ground and into Remus, crushing him tightly in a hug.
“You called, so I came,” Remus said quietly. James’ grip tightened around him.
“I missed you so much, Moony,” he sobbed into Remus’ shoulder, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do.”
He pulled away and wiped his nose on his sleeve.
“James?” Remus said tentatively, watching as the boy hid his face in his hands.
“I’m so scared, Moony, I always know what to do. But I- I don’t know how to help- he won’t let me- I don’t know what to do-”
“Shh, shh, Prongs,” Remus pulled him back in for a hug, running his hand through James’ hair, “what happened?”
“They did something to him, Moony,” James’ hands dug into Remus’ back, “he won’t say what- but they hurt him. He almost- oh god Remus- when he came through the floo I thought he was dead. ”
Remus froze, his heart beating wildly at the idea.
“He’s not, though?” Remus checked.
“No, but he may as well be with the way he’s going on.”
Remus shuddered.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I asked you here, I know you’re still mad at him. But even if you don’t see him, I need you here. I can’t do this alone,” James admitted.
“I’ll see him.”
James pulled away instantly, eyes scanning Remus’ face.
“You’ll be nice to him?”
“I’m not an utter wanker, James,” Remus scoffed. James squeezed his arm.
“I know, Remus, but even the sarcasm won’t cut it. He’s not in a good state. You need to be gentle or he’s going to break.”
“I’m sure he appreciates the sentiment,” Remus said flatly.
“I don’t want to hear it, Remus. Be nice or be nothing at all.”
Remus swallowed and pushed himself up.
“He’s in his usual room then?”
James nodded.
“Thank you, Moony,” he whispered. Remus waved him off and began climbing the stairs. With each step he drew closer to Sirius, his heart dropped a little more into his stomach. Finally, he arrived outside Sirius’ room. He thought about knocking, but decided against it.
Peaking the door open, he slid inside to see Sirius facing away from him. He was hunched over under his bedsheets, the usual arrogance that followed him even in his dreams evaded him now, leaving nothing but a hollow cutout of the boy Remus knew last term.
He shuffled inside and sunk down at the edge of the bed. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he couldn’t find the words. Be nice or be nothing at all. How was one supposed to bring up a possible near death experience, presumably at the hands of one's own mother, while being nice?
Remus could tell from Sirius’ stillness that he was awake. If he was in Padfoot form, his ears would be perked up, attuned to his every breath.
Remus thought some more, and still couldn’t come up with anything to say, so he decided he’d just follow Sirius’ lead. They hadn’t been talking for 3 months anyway, what was a few more minutes?
Remus scooted himself up the bed until he was propped up against the headrest. He looked down at Sirius, who still had not moved to look at him, his hair thrown over the front of his face in disarray.
“I told you, I don’t want to talk about it,” Sirius said suddenly, his voice hoarse and deep.
Remus stuck his hands in his pockets and continued watching.
“Leave me alone,” Sirius tried again, a bit more emotion building in his voice.
Remus started tapping his feet together.
“Honestly, Jamie, fuck off. I don’t want you here.” Sirius said a bit more harshly, pulling the blanket over his head.
As Remus was not, in fact, Jamie, he decided to stay put.
“Get out, now,” Sirius grit out, “I don’t want to see you.”
“Sheesh, you come all the way down from Wales just to check in on your mate, and this is how you get treated? Well, if that’s how you feel…”
Remus started to push himself off the bed, but was quickly halted.
At the sound of Remus’ voice, Sirius emitted a gasp that would probably be stuck in Remus’ mind until the end of eternity. The stony stillness Sirius had created quickly broke, and he became animated with life as he spun around to catch Remus by the wrist.
Their eyes met, and Remus knew immediately that all was forgiven.
“Moony?” Sirius asked, shocked, flexing his fingers around Remus’ wrist as if to check he was really there.
“Hey, love,” Remus internally cringed at the slip, but he couldn’t help it, not when Sirius looked so desolate and hurt. Sirius sucked in a sharp breath.
They moved at the same time. Sirius threw himself into Remus’ chest as Remus tugged him in close.
He wrapped around Sirius like a life jacket, like the only thing that could save him, keeping him afloat amongst the sea of pain.
Sirius clung back with a vigour Remus had never experienced. It was always James on the end of these vicious touches, and Remus greedily took all Sirius gave.
“I-I’m s-sorry,” Sirius sobbed into Remus’ shirt, rubbing his tears and snot into the fabric.
Remus’ hand reflexively went to cradle Sirius’ head, tucking him in even closer.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he responded reverently.
“It’s not,” Sirius withered under his grasp, “you shouldn’t forgive me.”
Sirius tried to push himself away from Remus, but for once in their nearly 6 years of friendship, Remus was stronger, and kept him still.
“Shut up, and cuddle me you areshole.”
Sirius stilled, taking Remus’ instruction to heart, before he started shaking, gasping.
“ Shit ,” Remus cursed, “I was supposed to be nice to you.”
Sirius shook his head against Remus’ chest, and finally looked up at him, a striking smile piercing through the darkness that had overtaken him.
It was then Remus realised he was laughing, not crying.
“Even on my deathbed, you’re mean to me,” Sirius tutted. Remus flicked him on the head.
“You’re not on your deathbed, wanker.”
“Of course I am! If I wasn’t, would you be here?” Sirius asked lightly, but his eyes flashed the worry and pain he really felt.
“I…” Remus paused, not wanting to lie.
“That’s what I thought,” Sirius said quietly, finally breaking his eye contact with Remus.
Remus squeezed him tighter to his chest.
“I’m here now.”
“Yeah,” Sirius mumbled, his lips brushing against Remus’ collarbone.
They stayed like that, tangled together in the intimate position.
Sirius’ hands eventually began to wonder, restless even in his pain.
They flexed just over Remus’ stomach, then slowly slid up, his shirt riding up with the movement. He shivered when Sirius’ thumbs brushed against his bare skin.
Sirius' hands travelled up his body, finding their way to Remus’ shoulders, before they lightly spread against Remus’ neck. He let his arms rest like that, in the half hug. Remus squeezed Sirius’ waist, trying to tell him everything. It’s okay, don’t stop, touch me everywhere, whatever you want, take me, use me.
Remus knew that whatever Sirius asked of him, he would give. Every fibre of his being belonged to Sirirus, everything he had to give, everything he owned, it belonged to Sirius too.
But Sirius never asked. He never had, and he never would.
“Sirius,” Remus breathed, embarrassed by how shaky it came out.
Sirius tilted his head up, his eyes level with Remus’ chin. Remus trailed his gaze from Sirius’ eyes, down to his lips, then back up.
Sirius’ eyes widened at the movement, he perked up slightly, bringing his head slightly higher.
Remus dragged his hand up from Sirius’ waist, trailing it up his sides, his shoulder, his neck, until it had raised to cup Sirius’ cheek. Sirius leaned into the touch as Remus wiped away some of his drying tears.
Remus scratched slightly behind Sirius’ ear, in the place he knew Padfoot liked, and Sirius, shuddered, his eyes fluttering close.
Remus knew that if we were going to do it, now would be the perfect opportunity.
With Sirius unawares, he dropped in quickly to place a soft, tender kiss to Sirius’ lips. It wasn’t a kiss of desire, a kiss of passion, but a kiss of kinship. A kiss that said I see you, I love you, I’m here for you.
It wasn’t a long kiss, Remus wouldn’t force that on him in this state. He pulled away slowly, savouring the taste, the feel of Sirius’ lips. Sirius’ followed him, as if in a trance, but Remus rubbed his cheeks again to tell him no, there wouldn’t be anymore of that, not yet.
Remus soaked up Sirius’ face. He looked so young, innocent, adoring. His cheeks were flushed, his lips pink and parted. When Remus looked back up he saw Sirius had opened his eyes and was staring at him with unabashed admiration.
Remus smiled shyly, and tucked his chin down. His cheeks heated under the attention.
“Sorr-”
“Don’t.”
Remus snapped back up to look at Sirius. Sirius brought his hands up to mirror Remus’. He was so gentle and loving, even in this state, and Remus couldn't help it. He nudged forward to kiss Sirius again, this time with more electricity and passion. Remus let himself get lost in it, allowed himself to put all his years of longing and desire into this one, beautiful kiss. He was so lost to his euphoria, to the pleasant pressure of Sirius’ gentle lips, that he hadn’t even noticed the boy trying to squirm away from him
Remus went cold immediately. Sirius’ eyes were adoring, but Remus couldn’t shake the distinct feeling that he’d fucked up.
“We can’t snog,” Sirius said remorsefully.
Remus instantly cringed. Of course they couldn’t. There were so many reasons why they shouldn’t… but Remus hadn’t been thinking. He just wanted to comfort his friend, to show him he was loved. Remus felt incredibly stupid. Who did he think he was, snogging his straight best mate like that?
He felt the familiar instinct to run, and attempted to writhe out of Sirius’ firm embrace, but Sirius was unrelenting, keeping Remus pinned beneath him.
“No,” Sirius whispered firmly, placing a delicate hand on Remus' chest.
Remus paused his anxious wiggling, and peered at Sirius with a face no doubt akin to a man facing the guillotine.
“You can’t kiss me right now, Remus, not like this,” Sirius said softly.
Remus had never seen him look so… well, serious. When Sirius looked at him, he seemed to be looking at all of him. The intensity of the look was so glaring Remus wondered if he was trying legilimency on him.
“I won’t have you like this, I won’t have this memory tethered to this day… I won’t… I can't do that.”
Remus nodded slowly, and took his gaze off the boy in front of him. He really shouldn’t have kissed Sirius, not when he was in such a vulnerable state. Remus scolded himself for his actions. Things must be really bad if Sirius was the one thinking straight.
Sirius tightened his fists into Remus' shirt, clinging to him desperately.
“You will kiss me again, Remus Lupin,” Sirius said gruffly.
Remus’ eyes grew wide, and he made some embarrassed squeaking-snorting sound. Sirius seemed pleased with the reaction, smiling contently before tucking his gentle head into Remus’ chest. His grip on Remus’ shirt loosened, and he returned to his gentle ministrations, trailing his hands up and down Remus’ upper half.
“Promise me you will kiss me again, Remus. Promise you’ll kiss me when I’m not so broken.”
Remus hesitated, and Sirius slowly lifted his head to make eye contact one final time.
“Promise me, Moony.”
Remus searched his face, he felt lost, unsure how to proceed, but the look of sincerity gracing Sirius’ beautiful face compelled him to respond.
“I promise,” Remus whispered.
A tinny smile lifted Sirius’ features. He nodded, and went back to cuddling Remus.
Sirius fell asleep like that, nestled into Remus’ neck, every appendage touching.
Remus may have felt horrible for kissing Sirius, but he really couldn’t hate himself too much. Not when this was the outcome.