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On the night itself, Minho doesn’t actually see Hyunjin. It’s a deliberate choice with a deliberate reasoning and a very deliberate move to suggest they meet up the next day instead when he was asked this morning, because he doesn’t want his time with Hyunjin to be tainted by this. He doesn’t want to see the brightest, purest thing he’s ever looked upon after dirtying himself with worse actions than he’s ever performed in his life. Minho’s done lots of shit, undeniably, but tonight might have been worse than the rest of it combined.
So he tells Hyunjin ‘sorry’, tells him he can’t tonight, that he’s otherwise occupied and not sure when he’ll be back, but that he’ll text when he is and that he’d love to meet up tomorrow.
Then, Minho scrutinizes his strategies, his get-away, and his map of all the possible security cameras in the area which he will need to avoid. After that, he feeds Doongie a late dinner before changing clothes and locking the door to his apartment before setting the whole thing in motion.
When Minho returns only two or so hours later, he can no longer call himself a mere thief while keeping a clear conscience. There are things he’s promised himself he’d never do, and there are things he’s told Hyunjin that he never would either. Tonight, he did them.
After the - very small to start off with - evidence of his actions are gone and Minho is showered and laying down in his bed, Doongie beside him, he’s only slightly surprised to find a complete lack of remorse inside of him. Maybe he’ll regret it further down the line, but… But Minho did this for a reason, or maybe multiple ones, because part of it is definitely his own peace of mind. He relaxes in a way he hasn’t done in months as he processes the fact that he can put all of it behind him now. It won’t bother him the same way anymore. He can forget about most of it and ignore the rest. He’s fairly sure that he will.
There’s just the detail of whether or not he will ever let Hyunjin know the complete truth, but Minho usually doesn’t share all of his nightly escapades either way, so Hyunjin probably won’t think anything strange of tonight and Minho hopefully won’t either. He supposes time will tell, and that he’ll deal with it when that day comes.
***
The next day, Hyunjin takes him to a dog café. It’s a running joke between them how much of a cat person Minho is, and how Hyunjin wants his boyfriend to see that there are other animals worth love and care too. Minho doesn’t necessarily disagree with that, but he stands firm in his opinion that they still aren’t cats.
Naturally, Hyunjin wants to prove him wrong. Just as naturally, Minho lets Hyunjin have his way. He feels a bit lost among all the puppies - clumsy and loud and silly little things - but Hyunjin laughs and smiles the entire time while dropping one puppy after another into Minho’s lap/arms/hands or wherever seems free at the moment. Minho doesn’t leave with a strong urge to get a puppy, but he admits that he wouldn’t mind going back. Out loud, to his boyfriend, he admits it, and is rewarded with a quick kiss in the middle of the street.
The whole day passes by without a single moment spent thinking of what Minho was up to last night, because spending time with Hyunjin simply does that to him. He’s entirely present, completely focused, and all but entranced whenever Hyunjin so much as looks at him. It was frightening at first - the intensity and overwhelming-ness of Minho’s affection for another person - but he rarely thinks of it that way anymore. He thinks of Hyunjin and the way he makes Minho feel with gratitude more than anything, because Minho didn’t know that he had the capacity to feel like this.
‘This’, of course, being affectionate. Loving, too. Minho thinks that’s the territory he’s wandered into at this point. He didn’t love any single creature apart from Doongie - or at least that’s what he’d been thinking - up until that moment when Hyunjin woke up in the middle of the night and sobbed his heartbroken self out tucked tightly in Minho’s confused embrace, before finally stuttering out words like ‘nightmare’ and ‘remembered’ and ‘them’.
Minho isn’t sure whether something actually shifted inside of him or if he simply became more aware of it than he had been up until that point. The feelings he could name instantly were ‘worry’ and ‘sympathy’ and ‘protective instincts’. It took him a few nights - Hyunjin by his side for all of them, since he was scared to sleep alone once the nightmares started coming sporadically - before Minho started wondering if maybe all of those feelings paired with all the other feelings he had for the younger - tenderness, warmth, passion - all together made… If they made that thing people call ‘love’ and Minho doubts he would recognize in another person. They probably do, right? Even if he hasn’t said it out loud? Even if he hasn’t asked Hyunjin to compare?
He’s harbored some very soft and even more important feelings for Hyunjin for a while now, Minho at least knows that much, and he’s also quite confident that all of them are kept safe with his boyfriend. The small sprinkle of worry that crosses his mind every now and then doesn’t have anything to do with those. They originate from the feelings Minho have had - not necessarily towards Hyunjin, but largely because of him - that has had him do things Hyunjin would have advised against and most likely strongly disliked. Up until last night, Minho has been fairly upfront with Hyunjin about the things he does and why and they haven’t really had any conflict because of it.
That was before, though. Before Minho committed the worst sins a person can, supposedly. He’s not sure Hyunjin will remain as steadily accepting if he finds out about last night as he’s been about the rest.
The last thing Minho wants to do is risk it.
***
As strange as it sounds, Minho forgets about it. He’s not haunted or plagued by his own actions and whatever conscience he has left clearly isn’t bothered by any of it either.
The days turn into weeks and Hyunjin coming over turns into Hyunjin staying over and clothes Minho should have tossed into the laundry basket end up covering his boyfriend’s body when he isn’t looking and takes his breath away every time.
“You only wore it for a few hours, hyung,” Hyunjin will laugh, smiling widely while Minho looks on, dumb-founded, “and yet somehow it… it smells like you. Let me sleep in it.”
“It needs washing though,” Minho will insist, half-heartedly, as he watches the hem dance atop Hyunjin’s soft thighs. “I can get you another one.”
“I don’t want another one,” Hyunjin will protest, skipping into bed before Minho can stop him and looking back with glee when Minho slowly gets ready to join him. “I want the one that smells like you. I can take the clean one tomorrow. I like wearing your clothes, hyung. ‘Like the way you look at me when I do.”
Minho doesn’t know how to reply to that, so he doesn’t.
The days turn into weeks and Hyunjin becomes more of a permanent resident inside Minho’s apartment as well as his mind, and he’s not entirely sure how that happened or when they talked about that or where he made the decision to want it in the first place, but it happens regardless. Hyunjin sleeps over, Hyunjin makes breakfast, Hyunjin gets tucked into Minho’s bed when he falls sick.
“I don’t want you to catch it,” Hyunjin will whine, more out of habit or manners than actual desire to leave. At least so Minho thinks, considering Hyunjin says it while clinging onto him just as tightly. “Hyung, what if we’re both sick? Maybe Doongie will leave us to wither away when he’s not fed on time.”
“Doongie’s been just fine when I’ve been under the weather for whatever reason,” Minho will reassure, pulling the covers up around Hyunjin’s shoulders, “and he’ll be fine with a cold running around too. I think he’ll agree to having you here so we can look after you rather than by yourself.”
“I like when you look after me,” Hyunjin will admit quietly, snuggling deeper into Minho’s chest to cough before he relaxes again. “Hyung, I like when you look out for me. ‘Makes me feel safe. Like I’ll be okay.”
Minho has a slight idea of how to reply to that, so he murmurs what he hopes to be comforting words about how Hyunjin will be okay, how it’ll pass, how he’ll feel all better real soon, and how Minho’s not going anywhere until he does. He carries his bundled up boyfriend - covers and all - over to the couch when he needs to cook so he can keep an eye on him, and is relieved when Hyunjin sleeps through the movements. He’s also a bit comforted by the way Doongie carefully pads around the couch all day, as if making sure that Hyunjin is breathing and twitching in his sleep and hopefully not doing as badly as the first time he was unconscious in this apartment.
The days turn into weeks, and before Minho knows it, Hyunjin has made good on that promise to kiss every single scar on Minho’s body. Before Minho knows it, there are entire drawers with Hyunjin’s clothes and piles of books cluttering the nightstand on Hyunjin’s side of the bed. Before Minho knows it, coming back inside to the sight of Hyunjin typing away on his laptop is a regular occurrence, and he falls asleep with the taste of Hyunjin still on his lips more often than not.
“I’ll go to bed if you go to bed,” Hyunjin will say on the nights he thinks Minho has spent too much time away from him that week already, and can wait a couple of evenings before picking up new missions. He has a point, because Minho’s habits are tough to crack, and Hyunjin seems to be the pick for all of them.
“I have things to do, little bug,” Minho will argue weakly, debating with himself whether to leave Hyunjin and Doongie behind or put his things off for a bit instead.
“Better things than being with us?” Hyunjin will ask, bringing out the puppy eyes and cuddling a confused but happy Doongie to his chest for maximum effect. Minho hesitates. Better things than being with them? Not really, right?
Then Doongie will twist and turn until his little paws are gesturing for Hyunjin to lift him higher, he wants the crease of Hyunjin’s neck, wants to sniff and lick and boop Hyunjin’s face, and Minho, well--
He takes his shoes off again. Hyunjin’s victorious smile is blinding. Minho silently accepts that no job of his will ever take precedence over having this.
***
It’s been almost three months when Minho is reminded of the secret he’s been keeping from the most important person in his life, and it happens on a quiet night in when that person asks a simple question which will demand an answer that might change everything.
Minho has promised Hyunjin not to lie to him, and he hasn’t. He’s never claimed not to have done this or denied it, because while it was true that he’d never been the cause of another person’s life ending when they talked about it the first time, that’s also the only time they’ve talked about it so Minho technically hasn’t even had the opportunity to lie about it. That might be him grasping at straws, though. He’s not sure the technicalities will matter.
What might matter is the way Minho swore that he’d never killed a man. The way he said that he’d never had such intentions. And that’s simply not true anymore, and Minho doesn’t know what that will mean to Hyunjin. Maybe nothing, but maybe… Maybe everything.
Isn’t it made all the worse by the fact that he committed homicide while in a relationship with the younger, rather than as a result of choices completely independent of him? This choice was independent in the sense that Minho made it without Hyunjin’s knowledge, yes, but not completely without his involvement. He wouldn’t have done it if he never knew Hyunjin. Maybe he wouldn’t even have done it if those nightmares never came to haunt him. What if Hyunjin feels responsible? What if he is plagued by memories and guilt? Because of Minho’s actions and not even his own? Minho isn’t sure he can handle the guilt of that.
But Hyunjin had asked him, calm and trusting and open; ‘What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?’, and Minho may have kept things from him but he still draws the line at lying.
“Why do you want to know that?” he asks instead, as coolly as he can despite the sudden racing of his heart.
“Because I think it says a lot about someone what they consider their ‘worst thing’ to be,” Hyunjin replies thoughtfully, in that philosophical writer’s way of his. “I can tell you mine first. Or you don’t have to answer at all. I was just curious, hyung.”
“I can answer if you want,” Minho says, apparently unsteadily enough for Hyunjin to straighten up and come a bit closer when he registers how serious Minho is being. “It’s the worst thing, though. I’m not sure you want to hear it. I’m not sure what you’ll think of me after.”
“I want to hear it,” Hyunjin decides, taking Minho’s hand to wind their fingers together while he braces himself. “If you want to tell me, Minho hyung, I’ll hear you out. Of course I will. I’ve tried very hard not to judge you or draw any conclusions before figuring you and your motives out first. I wasn’t planning on changing that.”
He probably means it; Minho knows as much. He believes Hyunjin and thinks he’s being truthful, but he’s not entirely reassured in spite of that. This is Hyunjin speaking hypothetically, in theory. Not after actually finding out.
Minho inhales a wobbly breath before sighing and making up his mind. Part of him wants to look away so he won’t have to see the way Hyunjin’s face might change or his eyes look at Minho completely differently in just a moment, but the larger part can’t look away. It wants to savor the way Hyunjin looks now, before any of it.
His hair is short, shorter than Minho’s ever seen it before. Not that short hair doesn’t suit Hyunjin; every hairstyle seems to. But he looks younger this way, which makes Minho feel more protective than ever. Hyunjin’s birthday is coming up and really, he’s closer to thirty than twenty, but it doesn’t matter how old he is because that’s not the point. The point is that he is Minho’s. He’s Minho’s to care for, to look after, to be fussed over and doted and pampered. It’s Minho’s responsibility to tuck him into bed every night and Minho’s mission every morning to make sure Hyunjin smiles that day. He’s Minho’s. Hyunjin belongs to him. With him. He belongs here, in this apartment, an attachment to it and Doongie and all the things that make Minho feel comfortable and relaxed and at home.
He’s terrified of losing it. Minho hasn’t been this scared before. Not in his whole entire life, no matter which awful situations he’s found himself in or how gloomy his future has seemed. He’s never had anyone to lose like this before, and he’s not sure what would happen if he did. What would he do then? How would he deal with that? Could he deal with that?
What is he supposed to do if Hyunjin decides that he’s had enough and doesn’t want Minho anymore?
“You’re hesitating,” Hyunjin notes, inching even closer until he’s halfway into Minho’s lap, their legs tangled across the cushions. “Do you really think it’s the worst thing or do you think I will think that it’s the worst thing? Is that it?”
“It’s the worst thing objectively speaking,” Minho explains, “but I haven’t felt any guilt whatsoever and I guess it’s up to you to decide what that says about me. Considering your reason behind asking in the first place.”
“So you’ve done something most people would consider really bad and you’re not sorry that you did it?”
Minho nods.
“Okay,” Hyunjin only hums, not looking very surprised. “That’s the impression I’ve had from the things I already do know about you, though, so… That doesn’t mean very much, I think.”
Minho nods again. That’s - objectively speaking - also true. He’s never felt particularly remorseful about the things he’s stolen or the doors he’s broken or the people he’s knocked out. All means to an end. He supposes, in that spirit, this isn’t all that different.
“I found them,” Minho says quietly, carefully watching Hyunjin’s reaction. “You started having nightmares and it broke my heart to witness and it turns out that I don’t deal with helplessness very well. I look for action. For solution. A fix to a problem. And considering how bothered I was and how little I’ve thought of it for the past three months, I found it.”
“What was the fix?” Hyunjin asks, just as subdued. As if neither of them dares breathing too loudly and put more oxygen into the potentially flammable conversation.
There is another - toeing the line of what can be described as ‘brief’ - pause while Minho gathers his courage. Hyunjin knows the general topic now, and he still wants to hear Minho say it. Is that a good thing or a bad one?
“First, I discovered who they were,” he tells the younger, eyes flickering from one to the other, “and found out they lived together. That was before we started dating. Second, I stopped them from trying to assault someone else. A woman. That slowed them down for a few weeks. Then they tried again, and you started having nightmares around the same time, and they couldn’t keep doing it to other people so I…
“I decided to put an end to it,” Minho sighs, letting his gaze fall from Hyunjin’s concentrated expression to the stillness of his chest beneath the fabric of Minho’s sweater. “It took me another week or so to make up my mind, but… But I did. And then I broke into their apartment and messed with all the locks to their door and windows, and when they’d gone to bed, I set the fire.
“I stayed behind to notify the fire department,” Minho adds, furrowing his brows while he stares at their intertwined hands. Hyunjin hasn’t pulled away from him yet. “I’ve never burnt anything in that way so I had to do some research to make sure I knew how long I’d have to wait until they were poisoned by the carbon monoxide or suffocated from the oxygen deficiency before calling so all the inhabitants of the other apartments would be safe.
“I have no idea if the fire woke them up or not,” he says, almost eerily calm this far into the story, feeling almost unable to stop now that it’s out there, “but I fiddled with everything so they wouldn’t make it out even if it did. I needed them gone. For my own peace of mind, for what they did do and what they tried to do, for all the innocent people who happened to stumble into their path…
“I killed them,” Minho concludes, and that’s when he notices the tremble in his fingertips. “I told you that I’d never killed anyone and I hadn’t. But now I have. Two people. Everyone else made it, there was a news thing, so considering all of it, I just… I don’t regret it. I think the world is better off now. I think I did an awful thing for the greater good, or something like that. I wish they never committed their crimes, but I don’t wish that for me. I’m glad they’re gone. I’m glad they died because of what they did. I’m glad it was by my hands.
“I just don’t know what that says about me,” he mumbles as the fright slowly returns and the courage leaves at a similar pace. “And I don’t know what you… What you think of me. Now that you know.”
Minho still hasn’t dared look back into Hyunjin’s eyes when the younger finally replies, but he senses the squeeze of their hands a heartbeat before he registers Hyunjin’s voice.
“I think I wanted you to confirm it,” Hyunjin whispers, which isn’t exactly what Minho had expected.
Confused and taken aback, he looks up.
“I saw those news too,” Hyunjin says softly, even though his eyes look very glassy. Minho doesn’t like that and itches to brush his cheek, but restrains the impulse. “I asked you to meet up and you said you were busy, right? But the next night, I saw it. Their faces were included. I recognized them. I didn’t want to ask because you never brought it up, but I… I think I knew.”
“You weren’t supposed to know,” Minho protests weakly while his head spins with the information.
“Why not?”
“Because you…,” Minho says uselessly, gesturing vaguely. “Because you’re too good, Hyunjinnie. I can’t talk about cold-blooded murder and planned arson with you. Those are my things. Those are the bad things I carry and the bad things caused by previous bad things I’ve collected. Those are subjects that belong in my world, not yours. I couldn’t see you that night because I’m scared I’ll taint you. That I’ll ruin you. That you won’t have that brightness or hopefulness or twinkle in your eye because I’ve taken it from you.
“You weren’t supposed to know,” Minho echoes unnecessarily, since it’s too late anyway, “because the thought of you being scared of me terrifies me like nothing else ever has. You weren't supposed to know what I am capable of. I didn't want you to be scared. I didn't want you to look at me differently.”
Hyunjin stares at him.
“Minho,” he replies in a strange tone, “I’m not scared of you. I love you.”
***
“You burned the people who hurt me the worst,” Hyunjin states, moving until he’s suddenly in Minho’s lap and holding his face firm in large hands, tilting it upward and consequently forcing Minho to meet his gaze. “You’ve killed for me. Who else can say that, Minho? Who could do that for me except you?”
“I’d burn this city to the ground if you asked me to,” Minho confesses, staring helplessly into Hyunjin’s steady eyes as he admits it. He didn’t say that he loves Hyunjin just as much, but he does, he does and Hyunjin must know by now. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, little bug. Anything you ask. Whatever you want.”
“And I love that about you,” Hyunjin murmurs, gripping Minho so tightly that he stands no chance of looking away even if he wanted to. He settles for wrapping his hands around Hyunjin’s wrists instead. “I used to think that doing the right thing was objective and easy and measurable. But you, Lee Minho, who’d put me above any such thing without thinking twice about it? I don’t care about the right thing anymore. I don’t want someone who’d put the greater good above me. I’m selfish and I want you. I want you, who keep me safe as far as my dreams and hold even the truth of that away from me. I want you, whom I love far too fiercely to stop.
“I want you,” Hyunjin declares, wiping something away with a gentle thumb beneath Minho’s lashes. “I have seen the best of you, and maybe this is the worst of you, and Minho? I choose both. It’s okay if you don’t want me to know everything. I’m grateful if you want to protect me. But I’ll protect you, too. Every word you share will be safe with me, and the ones you don’t will be as well. I love you. And you love me. That’s worth protecting.”
“I do,” Minho whispers eventually, too quiet to match how bold and brazen and brave Hyunjin is. Weak, weak, weak, the way Minho often feels around him.
He closes his eyes. A second later, Hyunjin kisses his eyelids.
“I love you,” he says for the first time, the words tasting like relief on his lips. “Too much to comprehend. Better people could love you, but I--”
“Love me better than those people,” Hyunjin finishes his sentence, breath ghosting the corner of Minho’s mouth as he speaks. “I see fire and passion when you speak of people who’ve hurt me. I hear love and devotion when you speak to me. You love me enough to lay the world at my feet and I cherish you for that. The world means nothing to me if your steady hands aren’t holding my heart securely. It means nothing when power and destruction are marvelous tools in righting a wrong done to the person you love.
“You could never taint me,” Hyunjin explains, so sure of himself that Minho feels compelled to believe him, “because your love is the purest thing to ever touch me. You could never ruin me because your presence has guided me onto the path I had strayed from on my own. You could never take any light away from me, Minho, because you are the light. I’m bright and hopeful and happy because I have you. I wasn’t like this before you. I’m like this now because of you. Because you love me. Minho, I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of losing you.”
***
Their limbs are still a heavy, tangled mess beneath the sheets as Minho lays awake, brushing Hyunjin’s hair away from his puffy face while his content face bears the shadow of a smile even while sleeping.
There are no lengths he wouldn’t go to, he knows, for Hyunjin. Nothing has ever mattered a very large amount to him before, and now it sort of feels like it was meant to be that way because all of it would have faded into dust and shadows when Hyunjin entered his life either way.
Minho isn’t religious or spiritual, but if he was, this would be the moment where he prayed to higher powers. Maybe he should even if he’s skeptical. Surely it couldn’t hurt?
He’s all that I have, Minho thinks, and it doesn’t feel as sad or tragic or lonely as it might have if he said it out loud. He doesn’t mean it that way. He means that Hyunjin is all Minho has that truly matters in his life, the one thing he couldn’t bear to lose, what he needs and craves and survives on alongside oxygen and water and nutrition. He means that Hyunjin is everything.
This city has many heroes and the world has even more, Minho thinks, because he doesn’t want Hyunjin to claim the city or the city to claim Hyunjin. Other people have taken his place at night, while Hyunjin is kept safely at home with Doongie to watch over him and piles of books to keep him happy. That’s what Minho wants. He’s selfish too.
Let him be soft, he begs whoever’s listening, brushing his thumb across Hyunjin’s cheek, and let him be mine. Let him be exactly as he is. And let me love him.