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"So is it true?" Carisi asked half-incredulously. His expressive face practically glowed with scandalized delight.
Rafael looked at him askance. "Is what true?" he asked. Several feet away, Rollins and Fin eavesdropped on their conversation with undisguised interest. Fin shrugged faux innocently at Rafael when he noticed him looking at them. Whatever this was was his fault, then, Rafael concluded.
"Your first case with the department," Carisi said. "The trial wasn't going well so," Carisi's hands fluttered in the air as he talked, "to prove he was guilty, you got a psycho rapist to strangle you with a belt in front of the jury. The 25 Acts case. That was you? I heard about it when it happened!"
Oh. That. Rafael hadn't been asked about that in years. He preened a little. It hadn't been an easy case and the high-profile victory had been a good boost to his professional reputation. "It was. You heard about it?" He couldn't stop the surprised smile that crossed his face.
"Yeah." Carisi shrugged, a lopsided smile on his mouth. "My sister Theresa liked the book, so I got to hear all about it when it was on the news. So what happened?"
"There's not much to tell," Rafael said at Carisi's expectant look. "He said he choked her with his belt because she liked it, but we already knew he did it because he liked hurting women. I convinced the judge it would be relevant for him to demonstrate to the jury how he strangled her, then provoked him until he lost control."
He remembered the rush of power he'd felt, the swell of victory in his heart, when Adam Cain had snapped, "Do you want me to show you?" and Rafael had realized, like a jolt of lightning, that that was going to be their break.
Carisi nodded approvingly. "Smart," he said. "I guess a scumbag like that wouldn't know the sexy way to strangle someone with a belt."
"There's no sexy way to strangle someone with a belt," Rafael corrected. He had no idea where Carisi got half the ideas in that head of his. Not that they were all bad ideas. Just most of them. And the rest, they were – out there. Different.
"Sure there is," Carisi said easily. "Obviously, not if she doesn't want it, 'cause then nothing's sexy, but if she's open-minded, then yeah, it's doable. It can be hot."
Rafael stared at him, baffled. "Are you confessing to me that you strangle women to get your rocks off? In a police station?"
Carisi flushed a quick, blotchy pink. He held up a finger. "Okay, first, there's nothing illegal about consensually strangling your girlfriend as long as you don't hurt her. Second," he held up a second finger, "it doesn't really do that much for me, but I dated a girl once who was into some pretty wild stuff, and it was all her idea, not mine. And thirdly, you don't really strangle her, since there's all this fragile stuff in your neck. You just put your hand over her mouth so she can't breathe," his voice became muffled as he demonstrated on himself, "and put something around her throat so she can feel it, and wait." He dropped his hands. "It doesn't have to be sexy, I guess, but it's exciting."
Rafael looked at him skeptically. He remembered the feel of the belt around his neck. When he could breathe, it'd been irritating and a little alarming, and when he couldn't breathe, it'd been downright terrifying. He couldn't see how anything like that could possibly be enjoyable. "I don't believe you."
It was Carisi's turn to look baffled. "Okay." He shrugged. "You don't have to believe me. But I'm just saying, it's possible."
Rafael shook his head. "Not unless you can prove it."
The thought occurred to them both at the same time. As one, they turned to look at Rollins, still standing with Fin. Rafael didn't miss the way Carisi looked her over, quick but unmistakable.
Rollins held her hands up and shook her head. An amused grin danced on her lips. "Not happening," she said firmly. Then, she looked at Rafael, eyes sparkling with mischief. The grin became teasing. "You did say you were curious about it. You wanted to know how it works."
"You remember that?" Rafael asked.
"How you provoked a rapist into attacking you so you could win the first case I ever worked with you? That's pretty memorable," Rollins said, and something about the way she said it, proud and a little bit admiring, was probably to blame for what Rafael said next.
Because what he said next was, "Well, I guess I did say I was curious."
The way Carisi looked him over was the same as how he'd looked at Rollins, only subtler and quicker. Rafael wouldn't have noticed it if he hadn't just seen what Carisi looked like when he was checking someone out. "Do you want me to show you?"
It wasn't a threat. It was just an offer, one Rafael didn't have to take and Carisi didn't seem to care either way about. When he had goaded Adam Cain into snapping, he hadn't really been curious. But he was curious now, at Carisi's relaxed, unbothered insistence that there could be real enjoyment in a noose around his throat.
"Alright. Why not?"
–
They'd decided it'd be a little too odd for Carisi to strangle him in the middle of the break room where anyone could walk in, but Liv had already left for the night so they borrowed her office. Carisi hesitated at the threshold so Rafael went in first and when he turned around, Carisi was standing just inside the room, door not yet closed.
He shut the door when Rafael looked at him, then glanced at the open blinds on the large windows that looked into the bullpen. Fin and Rollins waved at them cheerily. "Do you want me to leave these open?" Carisi asked. "It might look kind of – intimate. I've never done this to someone I wasn't dating before."
Closing the blinds might give the wrong impression too. But Rafael didn't want to be gawked at. "Close them."
As Carisi did so, Rafael, in an imitation of what had happened before, pulled off his belt, looped it, and pulled it over his head. Adam Cain's attempt to strangle Rafael hadn't traumatized him, or even particularly bothered him. It had happened, and ended, so quickly that he'd barely had time to register anything more than the first burst of surprise and pain. And the courthouse was his sanctuary. He owned it and nothing was going to take that away from him.
But he felt a faint sense of unease now. His spine prickled at the idea that he was alone now with someone for the explicit purpose of getting strangled. He jumped and whirled when Carisi put a hand on his shoulder.
The hand was removed immediately. "Sorry," Carisi said sheepishly. "I didn't mean to scare you." He paused, looking Rafael over again, assessing. "You know you don't actually have to do this, right? Rollins was just winding you up. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"I'm not scared. Or uncomfortable," Rafael said. He knew Carisi wasn't really going to hurt him. For one thing, Fin and Rollins already knew they were in Liv's office together. For another, there was no motive and Rafael had been the one who'd first mentioned needing a demonstration.
Carisi examined him, then nodded. "Okay," he said. "And you don't have a cold or anything, right? 'Cause it's less safe if you're sick."
"I'm perfectly healthy," Rafael reported. He paused for a minute. "So, how do you do it?"
"First you turn around," Carisi said, and when Rafael did so, stepped right behind him. This time, Rafael didn't twitch when Carisi put his hands on his shoulders. "I think it'll work better if you take off the jacket," he said. "It's kind of thick."
Carisi stepped back to let Rafael remove his jacket and drape it over the back of one of the chairs. This time, when Rafael turned around again, he felt Carisi grab the tail of the belt that had fallen down his back. Rafael braced himself for the tug.
"I'm gonna touch your neck now, okay?"
He turned his head, but of course Carisi was right behind him, outside his range of vision. "What?"
"I need to touch your neck. Okay?"
"Okay," Rafael said, confused, and then Carisi's fingers were on the belt looped around his throat, adjusting its angle and checking its fit, tucking it so that it fell inside the collar of his shirt. Carisi's thumb rubbed against his pulse point. "I see why you said this might look intimate," Rafael commented.
"Yeah," Carisi agreed. Then, he removed his fingers and slowly pulled the belt tighter with both hands, until Rafael could feel the leather press around the entirety of his neck. Carisi let the tail of the belt go and hooked his fingers into the back of the looped portion, warm against the back of Rafael's neck. "How does that feel?"
"Like I have a belt wrapped around my neck," Rafael said. Like he'd buttoned the topmost button of his shirt. "It's a little uncomfortable."
"No pain? Nothing scratching you?"
Rafael focused on the uncomfortable sensation around his neck. It was tight and definitely still uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt. The leather was warm from his body heat. "No," he said.
"Okay. Take deep breaths through your mouth, but don't be so quiet I can't hear them," Carisi instructed. "Don't move your head unless you want me to stop."
As Rafael began to breathe, listening to the sound of air entering and exiting his mouth, Carisi pulled the belt tighter and tighter against his throat. It wasn't comfortable, but the increasing discomfort wasn't quite pain, either. His breathing had just started to wheeze, and he had just begun to consider twisting free, when the pressure disappeared.
"Is that it?" Rafael asked. He turned around. "That wasn't exciting at all." He brought his hands up to rub at his throat, though it had been barely a love tap in comparison to what had happened last time.
Carisi laughed. "That? Counselor, that's just me calibrating so I know how hard I can pull without actually hurting you."
"Adam Cain pulled a lot harder than that and I was fine," Rafael said.
Carisi made a face at him that very effectively portrayed how he felt about being compared to someone he'd just called a 'psycho rapist'. "Yeah, but you didn't like that, right?" He glanced at the overhead light, closed his eyes for a couple seconds, then began to inexplicably loosen his tie. "Close your eyes."
Rafael closed his eyes. "Why?" He heard the sound of fabric shifting. He opened his eyes.
Carisi, tie half-undone, raised his eyebrows at him. "For atmosphere," he said when he had the tie undone in his hands. He glanced at the windows and the closed blinds. "It's kind of really intimate," he said, expression shifting, becoming awkward. "I forgot how much until now. We can stop."
Rafael looked at him. The movement when he turned his head was another reminder, as if he could forget, that there was a belt tied around his neck, just uncomfortable enough to be irritating. He glanced at the blinds again. It seemed a shame to act so suspicious without actually doing anything. "Do you want to stop?"
Carisi shrugged. "I'm fine, I'm not the one getting suffocated for fun for the first time."
"Okay." Rafael closed his eyes again. As he expected, Carisi tied the tie around Rafael's eyes as an impromptu blindfold that blocked out the light more completely.
"How's that? Not too tight? Can you see anything? It's supposed to be comfortable, I just didn't want to turn off the light."
Rafael felt the blindfold with his fingers. It wasn't a very nice tie, but it was soft enough over his eyes and probably as comfortable as a tie tied over his eyes was going to get. "It's fine," he said.
Carisi put his hands on Rafael's shoulders and turned him around again, touch gentle. "Okay," he said. His voice felt different in the dark, when Rafael could sense him standing just behind him, so close their bodies were almost touching. "If you get freaked out, you can step backwards or you can push me or you can pull my arm off. I'm not going to hurt you."
"I don't need a safe word?" Rafael joked. He stood in darkness, blindfolded with a belt around his neck. It sort of felt like a situation that warranted a safe word.
"I don't play no-means-yes games. You can think of 'stop' as your safe word, if you want. Ready?"
Rafael took a breath. "Ready."
The belt around his neck had loosened in the last several minutes and Carisi reached around him with one arm so that he could use both hands to adjust it, tightening it again until the leather was flush against Rafael's skin. He hooked two fingers into it and gave it a gentle, sideways tug, one that didn't put additional pressure on Rafael's windpipe.
Then, Carisi's gave him a quick hug from behind using just his left arm, casually affectionate. Rafael was struck with the sudden reminder that this was something Carisi did with his lovers. This was how he touched his lovers, when he wanted to make them feel good.
Rafael cleared his throat. "Should I be doing anything?" he asked.
Carisi chuckled and this time, he was standing so close that his breath ghosted over Rafael's ear. "Nah," he said. "Just trust me. Relax. Breathe normally and I'll take care of the rest."
It was easier said than done when Carisi put his hand on Rafael's face. With his eyes closed and the two of them silent, his strongest sense was touch. He felt the uncomfortable, foreign sensation of the belt around his neck, the warm presence of Carisi against his back, and most vividly, the drag of Carisi's fingers across his jaw and the brush of Carisi's rough palm across his lips.
Each breath Rafael took sounded loud in his ears, air dragged through the space between Carisi's hand and Rafael's face. He could feel Carisi's chest rising and falling calmly behind him as he adjusted his grip on Rafael's mouth. His palm rubbed against Rafael's open mouth, almost like a kiss.
And then, a firmer press, another slight shift, and when Rafael tried to inhale, he got nothing. Carisi's fingertips dug firmly, but not painfully, into Rafael's cheek.
"Shhh. I've got you," Carisi murmured, low and intimate. A bedroom voice, and even as Rafael tried and failed to take another breath, he could suddenly see how people chose to do this for fun. There was an eroticism inherent in putting your life so literally in another person's hands and in being held like this, completely vulnerable. "I'm not going to hurt you."
Carisi was bigger than him and almost definitely stronger too. Rafael had never noticed it before. He had never thought about it before but as the pressure on his throat increased, and his lungs began to burn, he could feel the fear, primal, rising in the back of his mind.
"It's gonna be scary," Carisi was saying. "It's supposed to be scary, like riding a roller coaster. Just hold on until you panic. It starts off kinda bad and then it gets better in a big rush."
Rafael tried again to inhale, to no effect. The belt pulled his head back. He felt trapped, and it felt strange. He wasn't sure he liked it. He twisted. Carisi's hand didn't follow his mouth. In fact, he dropped his arm immediately, wrapping it around Rafael's chest as he took in several quick, deep breaths. The pressure around his neck vanished and then he was being fully embraced from behind, held as he caught his breath. His heart pounded.
"That wasn't long enough," Carisi commented, in his normal speaking tone. Rafael bumped him accidentally with his elbow and he let go, stepped back. "You okay?"
Rafael touched his throat. It didn't hurt. He breathed until his heart began to calm down, then tilted his head from side to side. He touched the belt around his neck, ran his thumb over the buckle at the back. He touched the blindfold, feeling the coarse fabric. He examined the knot with his fingers. It wasn't tied very tightly. He could remove it now, if he wanted.
Carisi had made his point. In the right light, Rafael could see how this could be exciting. He'd been convinced.
But now Rafael was really curious. He shook himself and licked his lips. "I'm fine," he said. "It didn't hurt. But I didn't feel a rush."
"Yeah, you didn't wait long enough," Carisi said. "You have to wait until you start getting dizzy and your vision gets funny. You might see some bursts of light and stuff, even with your eyes closed. It's scary but that's part of the excitement too, being scared and at someone else's mercy."
"You've done this before," Rafael realized. "On the receiving end. And you liked it." It felt a little odd, talking to someone without facing them. But it made the words easier to say.
"Not enough to ask someone to do it to me again," Carisi admitted. "But it was okay. I don't regret trying it."
"Okay," he said. "Show me." His old words from the trial came back to him. He smirked to himself. "Show me how you like it."
"Don't fight me," Carisi warned. "I'll let go if you do. It might help if you hold my arm. You can pull if you want me to stop. Ready?"
Rafael nodded. The leather of the belt rasped against the buckle as Carisi tightened it gently around his neck, then hooked his fingers into the loop again. Anticipation and nervousness prickled up Rafael's spine now that he knew what to expect. Carisi closed the space between them and brought his hand to Rafael's face, loosely covering his mouth. It didn't block his airway. Not yet.
As Carisi had suggested, Rafael brought his hand up, touched the back of Carisi's hand and followed it to his forearm. Carisi had rolled up his sleeves and Rafael could feel the definition of the muscles in his arm. He pulled and Carisi's arm moved with him, pliant. His fingertips tapped against Rafael's cheek and when Rafael didn't move, Carisi brought his hand back to Rafael's mouth, covering it. His hand smelled like soap and ink.
Carisi was completely silent, almost contemplative as he made minor adjustments in his grip, until Rafael tried to inhale and couldn't. That was when he tugged on the belt, bringing its presence to the forefront of Rafael's mind and pulling his head back. Rafael tensed involuntarily.
"Relax," Carisi reassured. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you."
The first several seconds were well within the range of how long Rafael could easily hold his breath. But before today, he had never held his breath with pressure around his throat and the looming sensation of a larger man holding Rafael against his chest, embracing him. His pulse pounded in his ears. The belt dug into his skin. His awareness of Carisi's presence soared, eclipsing his senses.
Rafael's lungs began to burn. He forced himself to endure it this time, to focus instead on Carisi's warm weight against his back and his voice murmuring calm reassurances against his ear. He dug his fingers into Carisi's arm but didn't pull away, forced himself to stay still.
"Yeah," Carisi murmured. "You're doing real good. Don't think too hard, just feel. Just a little longer. I've got you. Trust me."
He needed to breathe but couldn't. His lungs screamed for oxygen. He could feel himself becoming lightheaded. The instinct to struggle and claw his way free clamored at him and he pushed it away as best he could. He could feel the thrill, now, that Carisi was talking about, of putting his life quite literally in someone else's hands.
Rafael was at his mercy and it was terrifying. It felt exhilarating, like lightning jolting through his body.
Bright spots burst in the darkness behind his eyelids. The world began to spin. His knees threatened to buckle. Rafael was surprised by a momentary hot wetness on his throat, followed by a sharp shock of pain that sent a confused rush of heat through his entire body and made him jerk. The choking pressure against his windpipe disappeared.
He gasped. Air rushed into his lungs and the sudden, unexpected rush of oxygen to his system made him stumble backwards, unbalanced. Before he could fall, Carisi caught him. Rafael leaned back against his chest as he gasped for breath. Carisi tugged the blindfold from his eyes and pulled loose the belt so he could tug it over Rafael's head. A gentle hand cupped his cheek and turned his face to the side. For a second, as he struggled back to his feet and blinked against the blinding light of the room, Rafael wondered wildly if Carisi was about to kiss him.
But all Carisi did was peer into his eyes, a serious expression on his face as Rafael blinked at him, disoriented. "You okay? Any pain? Still dizzy?" He didn't seem to notice anything weird about the fact that he was still cupping Rafael's cheek, if he realized it at all.
Rafael took several more deep breaths, still held in Carisi's arms. It was surprisingly comfortable. He gave the question some thought. The dizziness was fading as quickly as he noticed it and when he brought his hand up to rub at his throat, it didn't actually hurt. The only problem was the sudden embarrassing realization that he was uncomfortably hard in his pants. He stepped away.
Carisi stepped back too. He looked completely unaffected by what had happened, just as professional and put-together as he'd been when they'd walked into the room together.
"I'm fine," Rafael said. He rubbed the side of his neck. His fingers came back faintly wet. "You bit me."
"Not very hard," Carisi answered. "There's no mark. Sorry if it was too much." He bent down to retrieve the belt from the floor, which he handed to Rafael.
Their fingers brushed when Rafael took the belt. "No," he said. "It was fine." He'd been caught by surprise, but he'd liked it. He put his belt back on and flushed as Carisi's gaze followed his hands and saw the evidence of his arousal.
Carisi looked away. "It's just a physiological reaction," he said casually. "There's a rush. It doesn't have to be a sex thing."
It felt an awful lot like a sex thing from here, Rafael thought, but he wasn't about to admit that out loud. Not here. Not now. He took several more breaths and waited for his body to calm down and his eyes to adjust to the light. Carisi rolled down his sleeves and buttoned his cuffs, then tied his tie back around his neck with casual, deliberate movements.
When Rafael started to open the door, Carisi spoke. "Counselor."
Rafael paused. "Yes?"
"You forgot your jacket."