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When Effie woke up, she was already sitting in bed, short of breath and drenched with sweat, every muscle in her body tense… Her heart was racing in her chest and it took a long moment for the almost animalistic panic to recede and for the shadows around her to make sense, for her surroundings to become familiar again.
Thirteen.
She was in Thirteen.
She let out a long shaky breath and forced her body to relax, curling into a small ball, letting her forehead fall to her knees even as a shiver made her body shudder… She was cold. She was always cold in this place but the sweat covering her naked skin was not helping matters.
A nightmare.
Just a nightmare.
And yet the shot was still ringing in her ear and she felt the same terror that had gripped her stomach in Command when that soldier in Two had fired his gun and… The long minutes when they had been without news… Not just Katniss but Haymitch… Haymitch who wasn’t wearing any kind of Mockingjay outfit… Haymitch who wasn’t wearing any kind of bulletproof vest…
The nightmare was a blur but it wasn’t very hard to remember the most vivid moments of it. The puddle of blood… The empty grey eyes staring back at her… The…
Her breath still short, she blindly reached next to her, almost afraid of only meeting empty sheets… But it was just a nightmare and her palm met warm skin.
Forcing herself to breathe in and out a little more regularly, she let herself explore… Her palm moved up along a strong arm, found his shoulder, the broad expanse of his chest… He was still sweaty too so maybe it wasn’t all the nightmare… Maybe it was a remnant from that quick almost desperate fuck earlier… It had been brutal, violent… The moment she had gotten him alone for the first time since his return from Two… She had needed to feel he was alive and he… Maybe he had needed to feel alive.
He groaned when her hand wandered to his lower belly and shifted a little toward her on his side but he didn’t wake up and she kept touching him, kept making sure there was no bullet wound, no blood, no…
Her fingers bumped on the familiar swollen scar on his right side, lingered there for a moment, before moving up to his other shoulder, down his other arm…
It finally felt like she could breathe normally again… Her heart wasn’t beating against her ribcage anymore.
But she couldn’t shake the feeling of doom, that despair that had choked her in the nightmare because if he died… If he died…
She wriggled down the bed until she could slip in the space against his chest. Her legs slid against his slowly a couple of times, just to make sure he was really there, that it wasn’t…
She closed her eyes and buried her face in his neck, breathed him in, let the familiar smell of him calm her nerves… She sneaked an arm around him so she could grip his shoulder from behind…
His arm wrapped around her just as he took a deeper breath, tightening enough that she knew he wasn’t asleep anymore. He shifted a little so he could move his other arm… Her head was cushioned on it now and he curled it so he could play with her hair…
“Okay, sweetheart?” he mumbled, his voice rough from sleep.
It had been hoarse earlier, his voice. As if he had been shouting really loud all day. She had tried not to imagine it. His shouting for help as he cradled Katniss’ body to his chest to protect her… She didn’t need to have been there or to have been told to know it was what had happened, that he would have offered himself as a human shield despite the lack of bulletproof protection…
She pressed herself harder against him until there truly was no space left between them, until it was almost a little ridiculous. “Yes.”
He weighted the lie. There was no question it was a lie.
“Can’t sleep?” he hesitated.
There was a hint of humor in there, as if he was about to offer to find something else to keep her busy if she wasn’t going to sleep… And she knew it was the game, knew she should have played along, let him fuck her because it would help, it would, and pretend everything was fine in the morning…
“I cannot lose you, Haymitch.” she whispered in a hurry before she could talk herself out of it. He would hate it, the allusion to feelings he didn’t want, but she couldn’t help it, she had to say it, she had to…
She hadn’t thought it was possible for their embrace to tighten even more but his arms gathered her even closer to his chest… Not quite the answer she had expected but better than him running out in a rage, she supposed.
“I’m fine, princess.” he muttered, his nose nuzzling the crown of her head. “We’re fine.”
“This time.” she argued. “Please… Please never do something like this again. I do not… I do not want you out there.” She didn’t want the children out there either but she wasn’t naïve enough not to know the children could handle themselves when Haymitch could not. Not anymore. If he had been in that Quell… Her eyes and the back of her throat burned and she pressed her face against his neck even harder. “I cannot lose you, Haymitch. I cannot. I am sorry… I am sorry… I…”
“Hey…” His voice was soft, a bit panicked but more, she thought, because she was crying than because of anything she wasn’t actually saying. “Hey, it’s all good, sweetheart. I’m good.”
But it wasn’t all good.
This was a war and a lot of their friends had already paid the price with their lives in that arena and she had been forced to reap him and…
She didn’t realize she was shaking until he cursed under his breath and pulled the blankets higher, wrapping the two of them in a warm cocoon. “Effie…”
“I was terrified.” she confessed, her voice breaking. “The whole time I was… Not just because of Katniss. I have seen Cinna’s sketch… Her Mockingjay suit is… But you… You did not have any protection and…”
“Effie, I’m fine.” he cut her off firmly, giving her whole body a little shake. “It’s over.” His face searched hers in the dark until his lips met hers, until she looked up so he could kiss her properly. He meant it to be a sweet kiss but she turned it into a frantic mess, it was almost clumsy… “Effie, sweetheart, it’s over. It’s over.”
She let him placate her with empty promises and kisses, let him lull her back to sleep with his warmth and his strong arms…
But she knew better than to believe him.
Because it wouldn’t be over until Snow was dead and they were all standing still breathing on the other side.