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The streetlights on Grimmauld Place created long shadows on the ceiling. Watching their slow dance across the room, Harry wondered if becoming a father would make him feel less lost.
It wasn’t that he was unhappy, really. It was just that he didn’t really know what to do with himself. He thought that, after the war, his life would really begin. But without the clear goals, without Hogwarts, he wasn’t sure what to do next. He had fought for this freedom, and now that it was here, it almost felt too vast.
He had wanted to become an Auror, and he’d held on to that dream, but the truth was that Harry simply didn’t know what other dream to pursue. It had felt right at the time, it did, but now it didn’t fulfill him the way he had hoped it would.
He had Ginny, of course, and she was amazing. Harry watched her march through life with so much energy and such a drive, that it showed his lack of it all the more clearly.
And now they were to be parents. He wondered if this would be the moment everything would fall into place.
Would everything become clear once he had this new person to guide through life? Would he know things, in that sure way parents always seemed to do, as if becoming a parent was the key to unlock hidden knowledge about life? Would his son be the anchor of all his thoughts and worries from then on? Would that make life simpler, or make it more complicated?
It would, he decided, make it not about him. He liked that a lot.
Ginny’s slow breathing was the only thing breaking the silence.
He supposed it wasn’t so strange, that he felt unmoored.
***
Astoria’s face looked soft and peaceful. Her hand rested gently on her belly, already protecting the life nestled within. Draco hadn’t wanted a child when the subject first came up. He didn’t care about the Malfoy name, not anymore.
He had caved when he realised that it was her , her spirit, that would continue to live on in their child. That she wanted him to have that, that she wanted to have that.
Every night, when he lay beside her, it was as if he was already mourning her. The pain sat lodged inside his chest like a boulder, and every night he chipped away at it, little by little. That way, he thought, it might be easier when the time came.
He didn’t really believe that.
***
It’s not easy to hide things from the people you love. It’s not easy to have a darkness in your thoughts, something you can’t form into words, that you can’t explain. Something that wants out.
Something only broken people can see.
So when Harry’s eyes caught Malfoy’s, he couldn’t look away.
It was a normal day, they were doing normal things, shopping for potion supplies, picking up a robe, longingly looking at a new broom. But there it was. The darkness mirrored in those pale grey eyes.
***
Afterwards, Harry looked at the dancing lights on the ceiling for a long time.
‘I love her, you know’
‘I know,’ Draco replied. ‘I love her too.’
Harry nodded slowly.
Draco’s fingers found Harry’s on the cool sheets. He squeezed them briefly, then let his hand slide away.
‘We can’t do this again.’
Harry stared at Draco’s profile, following the contours of his strong nose, delicate mouth. Traced them slowly with a finger.
When he got up to gather his clothes, he couldn’t look at the bed. He had to leave, now, while he still could.
When he was back outside, on his way home, the streetlights caught a single strand of silver clinging to his sleeve.