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Rule 1: This world is governed by rules
Some rules are simple like “you drop it then it falls there’s nothing you can do about it and you throw it against the ground again and again you rail and rage against the inevitability of it all against your utter powerlessness and still it falls it falls it falls.”
Some rules are harder like “it hurts and you aren’t supposed to cry but sometimes screaming is okay but sometimes it isn’t sometimes the point of the suffering is to learn to bear it silently and biting your lip and drawing blood isn’t smiled upon exactly but at least it isn’t screaming and it certainly isn’t crying.”
But regardless of their complexity the fact remains in the straightforward manner of an equation that there are rules and there is pain and he’s got it all worked out with the only math that really matters that following rules doesn’t equal no pain but pain is always greater if rules are broken and sometimes if you’re very lucky it’s less if followed. So the rule about the rules is the the first one Killua learns and it’s almost calming in its certainty and truth that everything in his life is simply is a matter of learning the rules and obeying them. It’s clean in the way breaking a bone can be clean it hurts but it makes sense it leaves no jagged edges of misunderstanding just a simple syllogistic pattern that there are rules and they must be followed full stop.
Rule 4: All bodies seek to avoid pain
Killua has learned this one in so many ways. He’s learned this by flinching by how no matter how he tells himself to hold still don’t react don’t jump his body fears in a way his mind can’t control and he leaps back and tries to cover his face despite his efforts. He’s learned this from victims how even the strongest and bravest are crumbling and collapsing and telling him everything he wants to know after Killua’s only shattered four of their bones which is hardly anything really. But more than anything he’s learned this from his own violently conditioned obedience.
There was a time maybe a year or two when Killua fought back tooth and nail and blood and bone and flesh a year or two when he resisted with everything he was when he refused to kill and spat blood with a strange perverse glee.
He was young then and full of that foolhardy inexperienced bravery of children and he thought that there was no pain he could not bear he believed really believed he’d never break no matter the strain he knew himself to be invincible. But Killua quickly learned that the only people who think themselves good with pain are those who are blissfully unaware of exactly how bad it can be. And so they hurt him and hurt him and hurt him in a way that language couldn’t encompass a pain in front of which words simply collapsed and those bloodstained defiant grins faded and he shook and flinched and begged and then before he knew it he was killing again and didn’t once think of resisting. And so Killua’s life narrowed down to a simple goal just to avoid pain nothing mattered beyond that beyond the preservation of his own body beyond sparing himself from suffering and he no longer looked down upon the victims who broke after a few torn out fingernails because he understood now the central truth of living that point of all of it the impulse of every breathing thing is just to avoid pain in its all its countless agonizing forms.
Rule 16: No one is coming to save him
It’s been a good month. The training hasn’t been too bad really mostly just building endurance so yes Killua has to run until he vomits or collapses whichever comes first but that’s hardly the worst he’s been given. It’s almost fun actually just running as fast and as long as he can his feet hitting the ground in a steady rhythm and his heart pumping blood in his chest and it makes him feel alive which is maybe only a few steps away from feeling happy. So when he wakes up in the morning getting out of bed is easy he doesn’t lie there shaking and dreading what’s to come he gets up and he splashes some water on his face and he isn’t even afraid.
But when he gets downstairs and his father is standing there dark and ominous as an oncoming storm and Killua stops dead because his instincts have been honed enough by now that he knows something’s different maybe he can smell it but he just knows. And his father’s face is impassive and cold when he tells Killua that they’ve reached the second phase of endurance training. Endurance after all comes from the word “endure” doesn’t it so that’s what Killua needs to learn to do. He must Endure.
And what comes next is a month of pain unlike anything he’s ever experienced. After only a few days he’s already beginning to forget that he’s a person and not just a body his name the color of his eyes the things he enjoys he can hardly recall any of it he’s half delirious vision blurring and shaking all over and nothing matters but ending the pain please God please anyone please make it stop.
But no one comes he screams and cries and begs and pleads and no one comes he remains alone and in pain and afraid and no one ever comes. And by the time they finally decide he’s had enough by the time he can no longer vomit or cry or speak he understands. He is six years old and he understands that he is alone in his suffering. He will never be rescued he will never be saved his broken bloodied body will never be scooped up and cradled and held close and taken to safety. After that month he stops begging and pleading he stops expecting the door to slam open and someone to storm in and save him stops hoping for anything at all.
Rule 22: He does not have wants
When he’s eight years old, Killua hasn’t yet learned this rule so he tries to want tries to want to be Good and tries to want to be Kind and he tries to want to Help and the kitten he finds is so small and shivering so violently and bleeding from a gash above her right eye. And she doesn’t run from Killua just curls up and purrs when he holds her tight against his chest and he likes that. He likes not being feared and he likes that for once there’s something hurt but he didn’t have to do the hurting. He likes having something to protect and he likes holding onto something soft and small and he likes that he’s helping her that he’s being good.
He’s going to release her just as soon as she can walk without stumbling and he only has to hide her until then and that’s easy that won’t be a problem will it? But he does it wrong of course he just fucks everything up doesn’t he and Illumi finds her and grabs her by the scruff of her neck and asks “what’s this?” and Killua isn’t one to beg because he knows it doesn’t work but nonetheless he’s begging “please please don’t hurt her please I’ll get rid of her please.” And Illumi says “you wanted to take care of her?” and Killua makes his fatal mistake the dagger right through the chest and he whispers “yes” and Illumi’s suddenly standing taller and broader and looming over him and he says “Kill, you know better than that. You don’t want things. You’re a tool and tools don’t want they simply do come now you know this.” And Killua is nodding and agreeing and saying “yes I know I don’t want I’m sorry you’re right I won’t do it again” and then Illumi smiles and says “then you’ll kill her” and Killua realizes he wasn’t smiling he was just baring his teeth.
Illumi says “she is going to die and either you can do it and it can be painless and swift or I can do it and it will be long and agonizing and I will break her and she will suffer” and Killua wants to vomit but he tries not to be selfish tries to be good and really what’s a little more blood on his hands they’re already stained with it. So he does it as mercifully as he can manage a fast acting poison that’s quicker than falling asleep and he cradles her as she dies and he sings her songs about sunshine and vast skies and tells her he’s sorry he’s so sorry and his tears fall on her head right between her ears.
It’s a lesson that wasn’t actually beaten into him this time but he learns it just as well or better even. He does not have wants.
Rule 31: He is not made to love
Killua tries not to dwell too long on his scars tries not to trace each one tries not remember the violence ceaselessly enacted upon his body tries not to crumble under the weight of all he has suffered but at times he simply can’t help it. So he pinches and pokes at his scars learns their texture and shape and he’s always a bit fascinated by how scar tissue loses a degree of sensation. Because perhaps that’s a kindness in its own way perhaps his body is trying to protect him perhaps it is saying “you were hurt here so watch I’ll make you tougher and stronger I’ll dull the pain then maybe it won’t hurt so much next time.” Killua has more scars than he can count at this point probably more scarred flesh than unblemished skin and some of them run deep so deep he’s scarred down to his very consciousness his very essence and he’s lost so much feeling in more ways than one. There is pain and there is relief from pain and anything beyond it hope (or love) or joy (or love) or sorrow (or love) or anger (or love) he’s dulled to all of them. He’s just a taxidermied animal something long dead only made to look alive so he smiles or cries only in the way an actor might on stage but he doesn’t feel he doesn’t want he doesn’t love.
Rule 1: This world is governed by rules
Exception: Gon Freecs
Killua scrambles frantically to pick up the pieces of the shattered plate he’d only been trying to help Gon and Aunt Mito he’d just been trying to clean up but that doesn’t matter does it because he did it wrong he broke something and you know what they say about the road to Hell so his intentions are entirely irrelevant. He scoops up shards of porcelain the jagged edges slicing into his palms but that doesn’t matter he deserves it anyway. His pulse jumps at his wrist in a frantic staccato beat and he needs to clean this up before Gon or Aunt Mito gets back. But does he try to repair it or does he try to hide the evidence or will that only get him into more trouble it’s all so confusing Gon hasn’t told him the rules yet he doesn’t know what will make them angry with him. Perhaps they’ll make him leave make him go back to his own family he came into their home and he destroyed their belongings they’d be right to turn him away immediately. And that’s how Gon finds Killua near-hyperventilating and holding shards of a broken plate with the blood from his hands dripping onto the clean wood floor.
Gon’s eyes go wide and he says “Killua!” and Killua flinches without meaning because of course Gon is angry with him and his voice shakes as he says “I’m sorry it just slipped I was trying to do the dishes I didn’t mean to I swear.” But Gon shakes his head and says “no it isn’t the plate Killua you’re bleeding” and Killua feels his cheeks flush because of course making one mess wasn’t enough for him was it he had to go and bleed all over the floor and he says “I know I’m sorry I’ll clean it up” and a strange look passes over Gon’s face part sad part angry part confused and he says “listen the mess doesn’t matter okay I don’t care about that I just want to make sure you’re okay” and Killua stands perfectly still for a moment and finally just says “oh.”
And so even though Killua did it all wrong Gon still cleans his hands gently and bandages the worst of the cuts and Killua can’t hold back any longer so he asks “you aren’t angry?” and it comes out far more desperate than he had intended. And that same looks comes back over Gon’s face the sort of confused one and he says “of course I’m not angry it was just an accident” and he secures the gauze with a bit of tape and then the matter is settled.
And when the lights are out that night and Killua can hear Gon’s steady breathing beside him he realizes he’s stepped onto an alien planet a place unlike any he’s ever known a world that moves beyond rules and pain beyond disobedience and swift decisive punishment but somewhere new and wild and unexplored where he has a friend who cares more about his bloodied hands than the mess they’re making where his injuries get patched up rather than mercilessly inflicted. And Killua lets out a long breath one he may’ve been holding for the past twelve years and the sleep he falls into is deep and dreamless and wholly relaxed.
Rule 4: All bodies seek to avoid pain
Exception: Gon Freecs
Killua throws himself bodily in front of Gon without even thinking it’s like burning his hand on the stove and flinching back before he even feels the pain it’s that same instinct that comes not from his brain but from his spine. There is a threat there is danger and there is Gon who is precious beyond words and the two cannot meet and it’s just Killua’s body after all which is useless unnecessary unimportant so it’s simple just to leap in front of Gon without the slightest hesitation.
Their opponent’s ability is pain which is thoroughly uncreative but as the agony pulses and radiates from his sternum down each rib throughout his whole body Killua must acknowledge that it’s uncreative but rather effective. But as soon as his vision clears and he’s done retching onto the ground he’s getting back to his feet and he’s ready to use himself as a shield again he’ll keep getting up time and again he’ll take any hit if it means sparing Gon. But by the time he gets back up their opponent is sprawled on the ground and Gon is breathing hard shoulders heaving up and down and he’s looking at Killua with an expression Killua doesn’t think he’s ever seen before.
Before Killua can even ask “Gon are you alright are you hurt?” Gon is shouting at him saying “you idiot what the hell were you thinking?” and Killua doesn’t really know how to answer that because it’s so obvious isn’t it no harm can come to Gon not ever not while Killua still breathes and whatever that takes his limbs his life his very essence he will give it all give it gladly if it keeps Gon safe. But before Killua answers Gon continues no longer shouting but saying “let me look okay let me check for any damage” and trying to lift up Killua’s shirt. His hands are soft and tentative in that way you’d never expect from Gon and Killua tries not to relish it too much being touched gently like this being cared for and looked after and fussed over and when Gon’s satisfied with his examination he lowers Killua’s shirt and flicks him right on the forehead and says “don’t even think of pulling a stupid stunt like that again.” And Killua nods but he knows the truth and the truth is Gon is the first person perhaps the only person Killua will bear any pain for any pain imaginable. And no one should mistake it for something noble or brave it’s selfish at its core really it’s simply that Gon being hurt is the greatest agony Killua can imagine far greater than anything his body may endure so broken bones or torn out fingernails or searing burns he’ll take them all. He’ll bear any pain and he’ll do it smiling and grateful and wholly unafraid if it spares Gon.
Rule 16: No one is coming to save him
Exception: Gon Freecs
It was so unforgivably stupid he should’ve known the ice was too thin but he never stops to think does he so here he is trying to stumble back to the inn where he and Gon are staying soaking wet and shivering in temperatures well below freezing. His legs simply won’t cooperate and he keeps stumbling and tripping and scraping his hands raw on the ground when he falls but he has to keep going just move forward Killua it isn’t that hard you’re so repulsively weak that it’s almost unbearable just keep going. Until finally he falls and can’t seem to get back up because he’s so achingly tired even breathing is exhausting and it wouldn’t hurt to rest just for a bit just gather a bit of strength back. Illumi will probably be angry because he’s not supposed to take breaks like this on missions but he can’t even remember what the missions is or who he’s been sent to kill he’s just tired and shaking and he really could fall asleep here.
He feels warm now warm and sleepy and would it really be the worst thing in the world if he rested for just a bit his bones are so heavy and he’s tired so he lets his eyes close and he lies down on the ground. This is much better he can just fall asleep here just for a bit just a few moments he won’t be long consciousness is already slipping away and he’ll deal with the consequences later with whatever pain awaits him for now he’ll just rest and it’ll all be fine after a bit of sleep.
Killua doesn’t know how long he’s been sleeping but the next thing he knows there’s a frantic voice and a hand shaking his shoulder going “Killua Killua wake up please wake up” and Killua flinches away from the hand because he knows he wasn’t supposed to have been sleeping on a mission and he’s sorry really he was just so tired.
But when Killua opens his eyes it isn’t Illumi or Milluki or his mother looming over him it’s Gon with those honey-brown eyes wide with concern and Gon says “oh thank goodness you woke up but you’re freezing Killua you’re all blue we have to get you home” and Killua wants to respond but he feels like he’s underwater and Gon is in a boat above the surface and light and sound are all muffled and warped and it’s hard to get the words from his brain to his mouth up through the water to Gon. But without waiting for an answer Gon has scooped Killua up into his arms and Killua loops his arms around Gon’s neck and buries his head in his shoulder and he tells himself it’s just that Gon’s warm and not that he likes being held like something small and delicate and precious.
Time starts doing that funny blurring and bending thing and suddenly they’re back in the hotel room and Killua’s in dry clothes and Gon is wrapping a blanket around the both of them and holding Killua close to his chest and saying “we can’t put you in a bath right away it’ll be too much of a shock to your body we have to warm you up slowly alright so we’ll just sit here for a while” and Killua’s not going to complain about being held by Gon not now or ever. He begins shaking violently and uncontrollably and Gon just goes “shh it’s alright Killua I’m right here you’re okay” and hold him closer and Killua is tempted to shake on purpose just so Gon will hold him even tighter.
After a while the shaking begins to subside and Killua feels less dizzy and sleepy and confused and Gon says “I think I can run you a bath now,” and slips out from beneath the blanket and Killua’s suddenly so cold and empty and lonely but then Gon wraps the blanket tightly around him and he likes that being tucked in like a child even though he knows he shouldn’t. And Gon says “I’ll be right back,” and Killua says “okay,” and then Gon’s gone and Killua knows he’s just in the next room he knows but he’s still shaking a bit and he just needs to be near Gon right now needs it with every single vertebra in his spine so he manages to stand and shuffles into the bathroom where Gon is sitting on the edge of the bathtub with his hand under the faucet testing the temperature of the water.
And Killua doesn’t know why he almost wants to cry at that at Gon putting his hand under the faucet but he does. He’s been hurt his whole life electrocuted and poisoned and beaten and broken and suffocated and burned hurt so many ways he can’t even remember them all hurt until his whole memory blurs together into nothing more but the hazy hot remembrance of pain. He’s been taught to Endure. He may not be good for anything in this world he probably isn’t really but if he is then he’s good for enduring pain. And Gon knows this knows all he can withstand but he still wants to make sure the bath water isn’t too hot. And maybe that’s why he wants to cry because Gon knows he can take it knows he can get up Killua it doesn’t hurt as badly as you think it does knows he can Endure but he looks right into Killua’s eyes and says “But You Don’t Have To.”
And Gon helps him into the bath and it’s so warm and Killua sinks all the way down until only his face is above the water and Gon brushes Killua’s hair back so tenderly that Killua just can’t help it so a tear rolls down his cheek before he can stop it. And Gon says “what is it Killua are you alright?” and Killua says “you saved me didn’t you” and Gon does this sort of sad half smile and says “of course that’s what we always do we save each other” and Killua doesn’t know how to explain it how he never thought he’d be saved never thought himself worth saving in the first place how Gon is everything he’d never dared to allow himself to want but had wanted all the same so he just keeps crying and can’t seem to stop. And Gon just keeps brushing back his hair so achingly gentle and says “listen we’ll always save each other okay I’ll always save you I promise” and Killua is surprised to find himself believing Gon entirely.
Rule 22: He does not have wants
Exception: Gon Freecs
Gon says “hey Killua what do you want for dinner?” and Killua stares at him blankly because that’s a strange question to ask him he’s a tool and tools don’t want they simply do and Gon says “well?” and Killua says “I don’t know” and he can’t quite meet Gon’s eyes because it feels like admitting a secret somehow but Gon just says “alright I’ll pick today but next time you choose” and Killua says “okay” because when he can he ever deny Gon anything?
And Gon keeps asking him “what movie do you want to watch tonight?” “what do you want to do about it?” “what do you want for your birthday?” and Killua learns to answer a bit at a time. At first he says “want” like a foreign word he isn’t quite sure how to pronounce but it becomes more familiar over time and then he’s saying “Gon, I want to go down to the beach” and “I want to buy some chocolate” without even being asked and Gon smiles whenever he says it like he understands something deep and primal about Killua and he keeps asking “what do you want?” “what do you want?” “what do you want?” and Killua keeps answering.
And then one day they’re lying in bed together because that’s something they do now and Gon’s head is heavy and solid on Killua’s chest and Killua’s arm is around Gon’s shoulders and he’s warm but he doesn’t know where his own warmth ends and Gon’s begins. And Gon’s head rises and falls with his every breath which makes it seem like they’re connected somehow and Killua knows Gon can hear his heart hammering against his ribcage because Gon is so close and he’s letting himself be held by Killua of all people.
And then Gon props himself up on one arm and looks right into Killua’s eyes only inches apart really and whispers “what do you want?” and his voice shakes a bit and Killua knows the answer he’s known it for maybe a year now but he still has to close his eyes because he can’t look at Gon as he says “I want to kiss you” so quiet he can’t even be sure Gon heard.
His eyes are closed so he feels it coming rather than sees it but Gon hesitates a moment and then surges forward in that half-reckless way of his and his lips are pressed against Killua’s for only the briefest of moments but they’re warm and soft and he kisses Killua like a promise or maybe a prayer something reverent and tender and desperately hopeful and when he pulls back Killua still can’t manage to open his eyes so he just lies there breathing hard and Gon runs his thumb softly over Killua’s mouth and whispers “wow.” And it’s so inarticulate and inadequate and perfectly Gon that Killua can’t help himself he leans forward blindly and manages to find Gon’s mouth and kisses him hard. And the want courses through him like a current he wants Gon’s mouth on his own and he wants Gon’s head in his lap and he wants Gon’s arm around his shoulders he wants Gon’s fingers in his hair and he wants his heart in Gon’s hands now and forever and longer than that even he wants Gon with every last inch of himself so Killua does the only thing he can think of and pulls Gon down flush against his chest and clings desperately to Gon’s shoulders and kisses him harder.
Rule 31: He is not made to love
Exception: Gon Freecs
They don’t define it whatever they are now because there’s no word in any language Killua knows that can encompass what he and Gon are to each other more than friends more than brothers more than lovers even. He is Gon’s and Gon is his and there doesn’t need to be more to it than that. So Gon kisses Killua and holds him and tells him he loves him passionately and fiercely and completely and after a few false starts Killua begins to say it too.
And Killua finds that loving Gon is as easy as breathing as natural to him as his own name he used to think killing was the only thing he was ever good at but he is exceptional at loving Gon so he loves and loves and loves until he feels like he may burst from it.
Killua had always thought that love was simply trusting someone to hurt you only when you deserved it but Gon’s different Gon acts like hurting Killua is wrong somehow like Killua never deserves it and instead Gon touches him gently and speaks to him softly and kindly and Killua is half-drowning in it and finds he doesn’t mind at all.
Gon loves like he fights with courage and with reckless abandon Gon loves like he has something to protect like he has something to prove he loves like lives are at stake and it hits harder than any blow Killua’s ever taken because more than anything else Gon loves Killua as if Killua deserves to be loved. And faced with that with the overwhelming force of Gon’s affection Killua sometimes in quiet gentle private moments finds himself believing it too.