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Wilson said, “So we’re just two friends who want to have sex with each other, who aren’t going to do anything about it.”
Spoken with the incredulity of a beautiful person with low impulse control. House shrugged.
“We’ve been that for years. Why mess with success?”
Wilson was looking at his mouth. He sounded strained. “I don’t think what we’re doing qualifies as success.”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 15,050
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 157
- Kudos:
- 2,987
- Bookmarks:
- 716
- Hits:
- 24,435
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
09 Dec 2023
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An offhand comment leads Wilson to test out some unusual methods of pain relief for House. (They’re extremely effective.)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 14,529
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Comments:
- 282
- Kudos:
- 3,671
- Bookmarks:
- 695
- Hits:
- 37,649
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
06 Dec 2023
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Blackbeard is the king of explicit toy reviews, one word from him can sell out all stock or ruin sales entirely. Over the years he has built up a reputation as a brutally honest reviewer, but when he posts a scathing review of a new release, he is astonished to find himself challenged by The Gentleman Reviewer, who claims the toy isn’t faulty but Blackbeard was misusing it.
Neither side is willing to back down, and their bickering escalates into a full-blown rivalry with the two of them battling it out to become the No.1 profile on the site. Nothing like a heated rivalry to get the blood going. Could this set ablaze something else between them?
Series
- Part 4 of bonnypitty's SMAUs
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 254,277
- Chapters:
- 57/?
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 613
- Kudos:
- 841
- Bookmarks:
- 220
- Hits:
- 38,563
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
27 Nov 2023
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“He’s my husband, I can’t—” Stede gulps. “I’m married, Ed. I made vows. I’ve got to stick to them.”
“Is he sticking to them?” It comes out sharp. There’s genuine anger in Ed’s voice now, as though he’s personally affronted that Stede isn’t being satisfied. “To have and to hold, yeah?” Ed says, his voice low and gravelly. “When was the last time he held you, Stede?”
Stede whines desperately, tilting his head to give Ed more access to his neck. Hot lips drag up to Stede’s ear.
“When was the last time he had you?”
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
22 Nov 2023
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Ed's minding his business when the new neighbor's kid comes around holding a human puppet. It's creepy as hell, but as soon as the kid's father rounds the corner, Ed doesn't mind.
ETA: Podfic available here from Kninjaknitter my darling dearest
“Hello,” says the strangest voice Ed’s ever heard, jolting him out of his reverie, sending his heart speeding into chaos.He opens his eyes and he’s staring straight at a stuffed animal in the shape of a human person. It is bald with a tiny hat and too-big eyes and it wears a blue shirt and a name tag that says Jeffy in the sort of scrawl normally reserved for words written in blood.
A puppet, he realizes several seconds beyond when it would have been appropriate to respond.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 83,773
- Chapters:
- 8/8
- Comments:
- 1,646
- Kudos:
- 1,755
- Bookmarks:
- 598
- Hits:
- 33,204
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
15 Nov 2023
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blue as cut sapphires and shining like gold by suchgreatheights
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
20 Sep 2022
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Stede, a history professor specializing in the golden age of piracy, is fascinated when art professor Edward Teach joins his humble university’s faculty. Even more fascinating are the rumors that Ed is actually the famous, anonymous artist, Blackbeard. Stede falls a little bit in love. Then a lot.
Across the academic year, Stede tips headfirst into dizzying romance, mind-blowing sex, and happiness he couldn't have dreamed up if he'd tried. He learns lessons he never knew he needed, forcing him to reevaluate everything from his career goals to his relationships with his children. Ed is at the center of it all, teaching Stede at every turn exactly how wonderful life can be—and the startling speed with which fear and hesitation could snatch away his newfound love.
Eventually, the only thing that matters for them both is learning enough about love to stop it from slipping through their fingers.
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 312,095
- Chapters:
- 34/34
- Collections:
- 6
- Comments:
- 2,107
- Kudos:
- 3,478
- Bookmarks:
- 1,187
- Hits:
- 185,127
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
15 Nov 2023
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“The In-Between?” Stede asks, confused.
Ed feels a chill of recognition run down his spine.
“Aye, Cap’n. The always has been, never was. The nether realm. The inevitable. The impossible.”
“The gravy basket,” Ed whispers, hands clenched tightly at his sides.
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
27 Oct 2023
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Stede fucks him exactly once and Ed feels fucking wild with it the next day. So desperate to have him again he can barely think, and as nervous and excited as the moments after the first time they'd kissed.
And, given how that wound up going, all the more anxious about losing him.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,417
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 125
- Kudos:
- 2,411
- Bookmarks:
- 468
- Hits:
- 18,192
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
22 Oct 2023
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“You know what would make me even more beautiful?” Ed asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Being covered in diamonds, pearls in your hair, but I really can’t imagine you looking any more beautiful than you do right now.”
“Fuck, Stede that’s fucking lovely but I was thinking more along the lines of some new welts on my back and ass. You can break the skin, I don't mind.” He bats his lashes.
“Ed.” Stede gasps. “Shall I beat you black and blue on our wedding night?”
“Oh fuck, Stede.” Ed grinds up against the mattress. “That sounds so fucking hot.”
…
Started out as pirate smut, turned into a sprawling epic about gender identity, healthy relationships, found family, trauma resolution and anti-colonialism (and pirate porn, so much pirate porn.)
One third backstory, one third plot, one third pirates fucking through a wide variety of kinks, and 100% pure fluff between them.
(If you’re only here for the stedyhands, it’s chapters 13 and 14. You’re welcome.)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 162,809
- Chapters:
- 30/30
- Comments:
- 1,156
- Kudos:
- 1,242
- Bookmarks:
- 261
- Hits:
- 48,042
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
18 Oct 2023
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7 habits of highly effective first mates by natilieal
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
27 Apr 2022
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‘Remember,' Stede says, 'people like rewards. Instead of threatening someone to clean the deck, offer them a reward. A reason to want to do the work you’re asking them to do. Give it a try.’
‘If you mop properly, your reward will be to continue being alive.’ Izzy tries.
‘That’s a pretty compelling reward,’ Ed says. ‘I’d probably mop the deck if someone said that to me.’
Or, Izzy terrorises the crew of the Revenge in order to process his emotions. Stede accidentally invents HR.
Series
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
12 Oct 2023
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That familiar twinge settled in, letting him know that he would be lucky if he wasn’t limping by sunset. He’d just managed to keep it hidden throughout the raid, but in the short time since they got back to the Revenge, it’s gotten so bad that Ed’s eyes are starting to water.
Not tears, obviously. He’s just allergic to bullshit fucking situations.
--
Ed's knee is acting up. Stede helps him take his mind off of it.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,483
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 39
- Kudos:
- 868
- Bookmarks:
- 106
- Hits:
- 7,155
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
10 Oct 2023
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Six months in, he leans his elbows on the railing and looks at you thoughtfully. “What do you think of Grimshaw?”
You know to be honest with him by now so you say, “He’s a useless twat.”
He hums. A moment’s silence. Then he says, “Izzy, Izzy,” in that slightly comical sing-song he sometimes does when he is in one of his strange moods. “Will you get rid of him for me?”
You will.
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
10 Oct 2023
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“It’s… sorry, what is it?”
Stede darts his tongue out to wet his lips. He looks very furtive. “A… massager.”
“Fuck off, what the hell is it supposed to massage?” Ed picks the glass ornament looking thing out of its box and turns out over in his hand. Stede breathes a nervous laugh.
“It’s a prostate massager, Ed.” He gives him a slight grin. “It goes inside you.”***
Alternatively, Ed tries to go about daily ship life as usual aboard the Revenge while having a glass prostate massager inside him. It goes as well as expected.
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
09 Oct 2023
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But You Are An Ocean by megzseattle
Fandoms: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
23 Sep 2023
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After Aziraphale's defection, Crowley tries to figure out how to live life for himself.
Series
- Part 1 of Ocean
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 76,896
- Chapters:
- 40/41
- Comments:
- 3,062
- Kudos:
- 2,559
- Bookmarks:
- 659
- Hits:
- 60,503
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
02 Oct 2023
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dance the edge of sanity by profdanglais
Fandoms: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV)
01 Aug 2023
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Summary
And yet, on this particular Tuesday as he sat hunched over in a booth in the corner of the grottiest pub he could find, leaning heavily on the bottle of Talisker clutched in his hand and pretending—poorly—to read the newspaper, Crowley found himself recalling those damp and endless years of the fourteenth century with a sort of gentle nostalgia.
Ah, the fourteenth century, he thought to himself. Those were the days.
He’d barely even known Aziraphale then.
OR, Crowley pines, Aziraphale repents, the Second Coming comes and it all sorts itself out in the end.
Series
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
02 Oct 2023
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bent to the very earth by Ark
Fandoms: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
16 Jun 2019
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Use me, please, Crowley had said, so Aziraphale takes him at his word.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,634
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 8
- Comments:
- 455
- Kudos:
- 13,183
- Bookmarks:
- 2,485
- Hits:
- 173,286
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
25 Sep 2023
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The One in Which Crowley Discovers Wanking by for_autumn_i_am
Fandoms: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
16 Jun 2019
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Summary
It began, like most memorable events in Crowley’s life did, with a bad decision; like most bad decisions, it involved poor impulse control and copious amounts of alcohol. The Antichrist had been born, and he put on lipstick and kitten heels to deal with it, but knew that the clock was ticking, and at times when time was slipping away, it helped to hold onto a bottle of gin.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,748
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 8
- Comments:
- 632
- Kudos:
- 10,281
- Bookmarks:
- 1,848
- Hits:
- 112,068
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
17 Sep 2023
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“Are you scared?”
Guillermo breathes out, and it's shaky. He tenses his jaw and meets your eyes. His gaze is steady, and you can’t help the deep-seated urge to run that rises in you.
“No, I’m not.”
You should have run. That was the moment you handed over the knife and begged him to hold it to your throat.
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
15 Sep 2023
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This is a tale of the awkward, unnerving, and sticky situations that the implementation of Memo's Man Milk gets Guillermo into, the stickiest of all being that Nandor comes to him with a big, business-ending problem: He just cannot manage to cum in the jar. Guillermo is forced to help, and he struggles fruitlessly with Nandor's lack of aim until Laszlo lets him in on a little secret that changes everything.
Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
10 Sep 2023
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"Sighing gently, he turned to look back at himself, taking a second to admire his reflection. He’d called it ‘not half-bad,’ but it was much better than that. The whole dress was a deep teal that almost looked black if the light wasn’t hitting it perfectly. Covered in more black trim and beading, it was a gothic dream.
Taking the moment to enjoy himself before Nadja returned, Guillermo stepped back and spun. The iridescent silk flickered in the dim light, and he felt free."
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A million years ago animatedpileofbones said we should all do Guillermo tit appreciation fics and this is finally my entry. Started long pre-S5.Bookmarked by FriendlyAlien
09 Sep 2023