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Why does this have to bother me so much? Not the fact I'm probably an annoying jackass to everybody-but..this guilty, gut-wrenching feeling whenever I get referred to as ‘he’. It’s not that I want to be a woman, that concept is a little crazy if you ask me, I mean, I’ve built this entire persona. I wouldn’t want to throw that away..right? Jax, the man who scrambles every- Man. Why does that word affect me so much..? I can’t even think straight when someone just calls me a man. I am one, but..I feel so God damn weird whenever someone calls me one.. I was so lost into thought that I couldn’t hear the knocking on my door. “Jax..?” Great. The..annoying little jester who always thinks I care about her..totally. My legs felt uneasy as I stood up, walking to the door. My hand turned the knob, to find who I was expecting- Pomni. Great. “What do you want,” I say, my voice more harsher than expected…Was it the harshness or something else- FORGET IT JAX. Pomni seemed a bit uneasy at my zoning out, her face a bit more nervous than normally. “..Jax, are you..okay? You’ve been..zoning out a lot, and I-” “I’m fine,” I cut her off. Except I wish I could tell her about the weird feeling I’ve been experiencing. “Just..bother Ragatha or something. Not me.” I slam the door shut, sinking down to the floor. Maybe it is that I want to be a woman..? Or is it..just one of Caine’s tricks. A permanent curse he just had to cast on me to poke fun at me. So funny. Making me contemplate my own body for amusement, so funny. I stood up, walking to a tall, slim mirror. It seemed to mock me by its dents and waves, making my body look distorted; My chest enlarging slightly on its surface. My pupils dilated. Why is this..oddly euphoric? (This seems so fucking perverted, but I honestly wish it was..real.) ..Am I transgender? Hell no. I’m not one of those people, I can’t ruin this reputation by being some..girl. Girl. The knock on my door consistently got louder, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Jax! Talk to me!!” Her voice seemed more concerned than angry. I got up off the floor, a bit dizzy. I slam the door open, to find the same person. Of course. “What.” I mumble, more harshly than anticipated. “..can we talk? Please?” She stammered, fidgeting with her gloves a bit. I really need to get the thoughts out of my mind, so..why not. “Fine. What is it.” She seemed a bit anxious, tapping her left foot against the floor slightly. “Jax, you’ve been so..inactive lately. You aren’t in the mood for anything. You usually go around doing things with that mischievous look and stuff, why are you now just..not you..?” She blurted out. My eyes widened slightly at the unexpected outburst. “..tired.” I said quickly. I’m not even tired at all here. Nobody is. Shit. “You can tell me..” she mumbled. I don’t know if I can even risk it. I mean, she does have a point. Maybe I should just tell her. “..you better keep your mouth shut if I tell you.” “I promise.” “You better swear you do, if you tell a SOUL I will KILL you..” “Jax. I promise. Just tell me.” God, I'll regret this. “..I feel like I’m someone else pretty much. Like, I feel like a girl pr-..” Shit. I said too much. Her eyes widened, looking surprised. “..you’re..transgender?” “H-HELL NO. I’M NOT. I-I DIDN’T MEAN THAT GOODBYE.” I slam the door shut, landing face-first on my bed. I grabbed a pillow, screaming in it for a solid minute. She’s probably telling everyone right now about those fuckass thoughts. I would rather abstract than let anyone know that I want to be a girl. It’s stupid. Fine. I admit it. I’m transgender. (Why does saying that get a weight off my chest..? It just feels so..nice to admit it. God, this feels so nice yet so weird.) I get up, standing in front of a mirror. Nothing has changed, not surprisingly. Not like Caine will magically turn me into a girl.. (I wish he could, to be honest.) I grab one of the pieces of paper I stole from Gangle a while ago, along with a random pen I found on the ground from an old Adventure. I began to write a bunch of random words to make myself zone out, out of boredom. Maybe being a girl will help me along with others- Shut up, Jax. I walk back to the mirror, abandoning the paper and pen. Nothing. Nothing’s changed. Not like I even expected anything to happen to my body. Pomni better have kept her god damn mouth shut, I can’t have anybody knowing that these thoughts are turning me into a weak little bitch. I take another good look in the mirror, not zoning out this time. Honestly, I’ve felt so..strange these past days. The time ribbit put the bow on me, has been on my mind. Every. Single. Day. It was the last time I felt truly full in some way, or in a less discreet sense, Happy. Happy. I can’t remember if it was happiness or something else, I felt euphoric in some way. It’s just a bow on me, barely even a slight change. But.. it felt so euphoric to me, I wish I could feel that every day in this fucked up prison. I flop down onto my bed, ignoring the fact I hit the wall. Jax, get your lazy ass out of the bed and actually do something.. I lazily get off, despite the fact I just got on it. I walk like an absolute maniac down the hallway, arms crossed against my chest, looking down while pacing. I try to ignore the small chattering I hear along with the concerned glances. I can’t let them know how I feel- I CAN’T. I CAN’T. Why should I even care what they think anyways. Why do I care what they think, we’re all going to die here. “Jax, you’re..acting strange.” Zooble murmured to me. “Why do you care now. Hang out with your lovey-dovey girlfriend.” I stammer, storming off. They seemed a bit taken off by the comment, sighing. I find a random red wall, sinking down to my knees before laying down. I knock my head on the floor a few times, then stilling. I turned to my side, looking into the distance. God. I fucking hate these thoughts. I’m seriously about to end my life right here, one way or another. I can’t do this shit anymore. My body is just..WRONG. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CURSED WITH SUCH DYSPHORIA. Dysphoria. That’s the word. Dysphoria. “Hey, you..alright?” A familiar voice said, jerking me out of dissociation. Not surprised, it’s Pomni. Of course it is. “..what do you want from me.” I mumble. “I’m sorry.” And..I was surely not expecting that. “What..?” I say. “..I’m sorry. I know you probably hate me, but I just wanna let’cha know, I’m here for you Jax. You can push me away, hurt me, do whatever you want to me. But I know-” “How would you know what’s going on?” She looks down, looking slightly..understanding in some way. “I’ve gone through something similar.” “Like what.” “..you said something about..feeling like a girl, right?” Shit. She just has to bring that up. I regret that so much. “Yes. Maybe I do. And I want to be one.” Not again. Welp. Sucks to suck. “Remember when I first got here? I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I have an idea of what it’s like. Kinda like..being trapped in your own skin. I felt that when I got here, cause of..You know. But..you..wanna talk about it? I’m here for you if you need someone..y’know..” I can’t argue with her for this one. She has a point. “Honestly, I do. I can’t talk back about it..” I stand up, brushing my arm off. “Yes, it is a bit similar. And I might need to talk. But don’t think I like you or anything.” I can’t help but make out a small smile from myself. She looked up at me, more in a calmer way than curious or excited. “Glad to help you.” I roll my eyes. “Just..one question.” Oh lord. “If you hate me, Why don’t you like..slap me away or ignore me? Why do you always never push me away whenever you say you don’t want to talk to me?” SHIT. I began to panic as I tried to find the right words, a slight blush appearing. “I-I DON’T- I HAVE-!” Yeah. A girl. And maybe a lesbian.