Chapter Text
Spinning colours, every shade, every hue possible and impossible, lazily spun and twirled around him. A fractal landscape, eternally growing and growing before him. The sound of waves, crashing and returning. A warm tingling all over his body. He drifted forward through it all.
There were no thoughts here. Every sense was filled, no space remaining for anything else. He could have been here hours, days, months, years, it was impossible to tell.
Over time, he started to notice a presence with him. There was nothing there, no one to see, but still. It was felt. It was added to the quiet cacophony. And he felt it when it left.
It felt so familiar. And he could tell it was not part of this. Anathema to this world. He began to miss it, and to be relieved when it returned.
The absences started to be felt more and more. He was sad. He wanted the presence back. He disliked the times when he was alone.
..time. Time was alien to this place. Feelings. Feelings were alien to this place. There should be nothing more here.
But now there was.
And there shouldn’t be.
There can’t be.
This can’t continue.
And it couldn’t.
He felt the presence. He felt glad. And then.
He began to fall.
No longer drifting. He realized that what he thought was forward was down. He felt himself pick up speed, the colours no longer spun lazily but twirled and twirled and twirled like a dervish, the waves in his ears becoming a torrent, deafening, threatening to sweep him away, the tingling became electric, every part of his body on fire, the fractal landscape no longer slowly changing but instead growing closer and closer without ever moving, stuck, plummeting eternally to an impact that would never come and yet always seemed a moment away.
He screamed.
Ragatha heard a loud thump and woke with a start. She blinked, realizing she must have dozed off while on night duty. She looked around the tent-within-a-tent, trying to figure out what had caused the sound. Stupid! Why are you falling asleep, you’re here specifically to make sure Jax doesn’t leave and hurt himself! Or anyone else!! Including you!!! Y-
She hears a shuffling from the other side of the tent, and peers, and sees-
Jax.
That’s Jax.
Oh no.
That’s Jax and he’s in here with her and he’s not abstracted.
Oh nononono.
That’s Jax and he’s back and she was not supposed to be the one here when he was.
nooooo nonononononooo
Jax is shaking, his hands scrabbling at blankets and pillows that cover the floor, hyperventilating. He’s laying on his side, and struggling to raise himself up on his arms. The moment he does, he vomits, black digital sludge hitting the ground between his hands.
oh god what do i do, hes here and im here and im not supposed to be and-
Jax’s arms buckle, and he collapses back on the sludge. He lets out a sob.
i need pomni here, shes the one that can help him, she’s the one who always knows what do with him, i need to-
He raises himself back up, and opens his eyes, looking around frantically. His eyes are all neon, like someone plucked two of the eyes off his abstracted form and stuck them in his head. He looks at her and her blood goes cold, but his eyes just glide past her, unseeing. He’s still breathing hard, chest filling with rapid short breaths. His arms still shake, struggling to hold him up, black sludge covering his arms and side.
i have to go get pomni. i have to go get her so she can help him. i can’t do this, i can’t be-
“W-where.. what’s..”
Ragatha freezes at his voice. He’s barely able to get it out, panic clearly tightening his chest.
He sobs. “I can’t- please-”
His glowing eyes look everywhere for someone, anyone to help him, but he can’t see a soul. He can’t see where he is. He can’t see anything. All there is is colour swirling in a manic haze.
His arms give out again, and he collapses back into the sludge. He sobs miserably, pulling his legs up to his chest, shuddering.
“Pl-please.. someone..”
Ragatha sees the tears streaming from his eyes, and whatever wall has been holding her back comes down.
So what if Pomni isn’t here. So what if she’s unprepared. So what if she knows Jax will never, ever forgive her for seeing him like this.
Right here, right now, there is a scared little bunny who is lost, who is afraid, and who is desperate for someone, anyone to help him. And the only one here is her.
“Jax?”
He jumps. “W-Who’s there?”
“Jax, it’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here.”
He opens his eyes, looking around for her. “Where, I- I can’t-”
She crawls over to him, trying to avoid the black sludge that’s been spread all over. She reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder, and he jumps at the touch. “It’s okay Jax, I’m here. I’m here. It’s going to be okay.”
He grabs her arm with both of his hands and holds on desperately. He’s trying to look up at her, swirls for eyes, tears streaming down his face. He’s shaking like a leaf.
“It’s okay. I’m here, Jax. I’m right here with you.”
He suddenly pulls himself closer to her and wraps his arms around her midriff, and she sits back in surprise, to find his upper body laying in her lap. He buries his face in her stomach as he starts sobbing uncontrollably.
Ragatha freezes up, just for a moment, before looking down at him.
He’s clinging to her like a scared child. Like she’s the only rock in an endless sea. Like if he lets go he’ll be lost forever.
..everything in her is telling her she’s making a mistake. That he’ll get her back for this. That he’ll never forgive her. But..
..she doesn’t care any more. She doesn’t care about their problems with each other. She doesn’t care what happens in the future. She doesn’t even care about the sludge that’s now all over her dress. It just breaks her heart to see him like this.
She lays her hand on his head, and slowly strokes a mittened thumb back and forth comfortingly. “That’s it.. you’re okay Jax, you’re okay.. I got you, okay? I got you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Tears soak into her dress as he still clings to her, as sobs wrack his body, but the uncontrollable shaking is starting to subside as she holds him and continues to whisper quiet assurances down to him.
..she never thought she’d ever see him like this. She hadn’t believed it was even possible for the emotional fortress he had built up to ever be brought down so completely.
But.. seeing him in her arms like this, all she can feel is protective. This wasn’t the Jax she remembered, always looking for his next victim, meeting any attempt with connection with vicious mockery. The one that scared her so much, who she could never predict.
This is just a scared little bunny, clinging to her for protection from whatever hell he just escaped.
She raised her gaze away from him, staring off at the side of the tent, eyes unfocused.
God, she had been terrified. It had felt like some horrible joke, that she was the one here when he.. returned. She had felt so sure that he would have lashed out at her, fought her and told her to get away, that he would have spiralled, that she was going to fuck everything up, that he’d.. he might..
She couldn’t say it. Didn’t want to let the possibility even get named.
She was so sure that she’d fail, and that Pomni.. that Pomni would blame her.
Oh, she’s sure Pomni would have tried to hide it. “You were just trying to help out! Let me get a night off! Of course I don’t blame you!”
But Ragatha would know. She knows how important Jax is to Pomni, how much she had blamed herself for what happened to him. She knows how it would break her little heart if after the months of her working to try and get through to him, sharing what the group got up to every day, camping out in here every night so he wouldn’t be lonely.. if he came back, and on the one night Pomni wasn’t the one here, it all- it all went wrong, and Ragatha was the one who failed her-
Ragatha felt tears well up and tried to push down the guilt. She looked down at Jax, head in her lap. He had slowly calmed as she held him, feeling that desperate tension in his body subside, and he was now laying there breathing quietly. But it didn’t go wrong. He’s here, and for right now, he seems okay. He’s here, and I’m right here with him. He’s here, and he’s not going anywhere.
She hears a small thwap and looks up to see.. Pomni, coming in through the entrance flap. Her shadow stretched into the tent, the bright light of the morning behind her. She blinks at the sudden brightness. Morning already?
Squinting into the darkness as her eyes adjust, she sees Ragatha, and the form in her lap, and immediately freezes. She looks down, then back up. Ragatha sees tears form in the small jester’s eyes, and the tears that had been building up in her own begin to fall down her face.
Pomni whispers. “He’s.. back?”
Ragatha tries to whisper back, but it turns into a quiet sob. “He’s back!” She gives Pomni a wobbly and tearful smile.
Pomni practically runs over, and quickly kneels at her side, looking down at the wretched little rabbit laying in Ragatha’s lap.
Utter exhaustion and Ragatha’s comforting presence seem to have lulled him to sleep. He lays there quietly, chest slowly rising and falling.
Ragatha feels Pomni try to hold back a sob herself, holding a hand in front of her like she wants to do nothing more than take Jax into her arms and never let go, before she takes it into her other hand, wringing them as she tries to hold herself together. Tears fall down into her lap.
Oh, Pomni, you poor thing..
Ragatha takes her hand off Jax’s shoulder and wraps it around the little jester, holding her against her, and feels Pomni lean against her, sniffling. Pomni turns her head up and gives her an emotional little smile, tears in her eyes, but relief so clearly showing on her face. She looks back down at Jax, and takes her hand to lay it on top of Ragatha’s. Jax stirs, but doesn’t wake.
She hears Pomni’s quiet voice by her side. “What- what happened? Caine had said that we were making progress, but..”
Ragatha sighs. “I don’t know. There was this thump, and, well. There he was!” She feels Pomni’s hand give hers a squeeze and smiles to herself before continuing. “He was.. Oh, Pomni, I’ll be honest, he was a complete mess.” She sighs. “I don’t know what happens in.. there.. when they’re abstracted, but he was terrified, barely in control of his body.”
Pomni looks down at him, and notices the black goop that was now all over both Ragatha and Jax. “Looks like you took one for the team.”
“Oh, it’s fine, just some mess. I’d have been upset if he had done it on purpose, but.. I mean, just look at him. Even he wouldn’t go this far just to get my clothes dirty!”
Pomni smiles at that. “Don’t put it past him.”
Ragatha gives a tired giggle.
They sit quietly for a minute, listening to the bunny’s breathing. He makes a little sound in his sleep, and burrows himself deeper into Ragatha’s lap.
Pomni furls her brow. “How did you.. end up like this? This isn’t like him at all.”
Ragatha sighs, shaking her head. “I don’t know. When I came over to his side, and tried comforting him, he just.. grabbed hold of me. I think whatever was happening was so.. disorientating.. that he just.. needed something, anything, to ground him. And I was the one that was there.”
She feels Pomni’s head lean against her arm. “Well. I’m glad you were. I don’t know what we would’ve done without you.”
Ragatha opens her mouth, but then just as quickly closes it. What good would it do to try and downplay herself? Sure, Pomni would have done a better job, but the important thing is that Jax is okay. And now, by extension, so is Pomni. In the end, that’s what really mattered.
And, secretly, it really did make her happy that Pomni appreciated her. Not that she’d ever voice how much it meant to her, she would never allow herself to bother her with her neediness, but.. it was nice to hold on to that feeling, deep down.
She cleared her throat. “There is, um, one thing I should tell you?”
Pomni looked up at her, worried. “Yea?”
Ragatha hated seeing her like this, but she knew this isn’t something she should keep to herself. “When Jax was awake, he.. I don’t think he could see. His eyes were all.. neon. Like the abstractions.” She sighs. “I think that’s why he was so scared. I.. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like, to suddenly be back in your body, but have no idea where you are, what’s happening, if there’s anyone there..” She trails off.
Pomni sniffles and moves her hand where it had still been on Ragatha’s, and strokes Jax’s cheek. “Oh, Jax.. you poor thing..”
Ragatha drew in a ragged breath and continued. “It might just be temporary, but.. I think he’s going to need a lot of help while he recovers. It’s going to be very hard for him.” She lowers her voice. “And if it’s not.. we’ll.. we’ll figure it out.”
Pomni nods her head desperately, a few tears falling from her face. Ragatha knew Pomni would do anything she could if it meant Jax could stay with them.
Seeing her like this broke Ragatha’s heart. Pomni never talked about it, but she knew Pomni still blamed herself for how things turned out, which Ragatha didn’t think was fair at all. Pomni had done more than anyone, tried so, so hard to reach out to him, to try and give him something to hold on to. But she also knew that nothing she said would ever be able to convince Pomni otherwise.
So, instead, she had decided to do everything she could to help ease the burden on Pomni’s shoulders. She checked up on her. Delivered food and drinks for her. Made what weak jokes she could to try and keep her spirits up, always so desperately happy when she got a chuckle or a smile out of her. And, eventually, when she was able to convince Pomni that she was allowed to not be at Jax’s side every spare minute of her time and to go get some sleep, she started taking night shifts in Jax’s tent.
Which is how she ended up here, with Jax’s exhausted form in her lap, dress covered in digital puke, and desperately determined to do everything she could for both of them. No matter how much Pomni thought this was a sin she had to atone for alone. And no matter how much Jax would kick and scream about it, even though now she knew his heart wasn’t even in it. Not that it ever really was.
She hugged Pomni tighter and lay her head on top of the little jesters, and quietly whispered down to Pomni. “We’ll get through this. I promise.”
She felt Pomni give a choked little sob, but also felt her lean into the hug more, as she continued to stroke Jax’s cheek. He grumbled.
If one of the others had asked her yesterday how she’d feel, knowing Jax would come back to them that night.. honestly, she wouldn’t have known how to answer. There were so many things to consider, her and Jax’s personal relationship notwithstanding. How he’d fit in, after so long.. away. If he had changed at all, or if he was still going to go out of his way to antagonize everyone. What change might look like. Who kind of person he might become. And how he’d feel about the return of Caine, and the knowledge they had all found out about their real life counterparts.
But here, now, looking down at the two of them, safe in her arms.. she’s just happy. Happy they’re both okay. Happy there’s a future ahead for them. Happy that she could be there for them. Happy Pomni can finally start to let go of some of that guilt she’s been holding, and that Jax might have a chance to do some healing of his own.
She’s made her decision.
She was going to do everything she could for them. For both of them. No matter what may come.