Chapter Text
“Iloveyou.” he mumbled almost inaudibly. "Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand.”
He could knock me down with a feather. Where on earth is this proposal coming from?
I can not believe he is making an offer of marriage after just listing off detailed, repugnant reasons why he shouldn’t.
I try to keep composed and reject him as gently as my wits allow, yet he seems shocked by my reply and is inquiring further explanation.
“I might as well inquire why you told me you liked me against your better judgement!”
Just as I think it’s starting to sink in as I question him on multiple offenses, he of course becomes defensive, even going so far as to negatively mention my father and further insult Wickham. A fury rises in me and before I can stop myself, the words are flying from my mouth..
“From the moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit and your selfish distain for the feelings of others made me realize you are the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry!”
I thought I would feel triumphant after my speech, yet I feel nothing but anguish. Immediately I regret my outburst. It was unlady-like and exaggerated. Truthfully, I do find him handsome. I even think about him often. Not always in the warmest regard, but he crosses my mind from time to time.
I know what I’ve just said has wounded his pride. I’ve implied he is no gentleman at all. A larger insult than the scruples he’s shared about my circumstances. He’s not completely wrong. Though, he was wrong to say it aloud, I should think. Especially designed into his proposal-it’s a wonder he thought I’d accept it.
He leans in closer to me, searching my eyes. For what, I’m not certain. Honesty? The urge to soothe that wounded look in his eye is overwhelming, as is his close proximity. The deepest part of me is internally begging him to kiss me and I’m not sure why.
I don’t remember deciding to close the distance between us but of a sudden, my lips are on his and my arms are wrapped round his neck. I’ve never kissed a man before, but this is almost hostile. Both of us pushing all of our present feelings into this kiss. After a few mere seconds, I feel his hands on my hips, pulling me closer to him at first then all too quickly pushing me away.
Confusion swept across both of our faces as he lingers, almost still touching my lips with his. His grasp moves to my forearms as he grazes his lips along my cheek to reach my ear,
“Forgive me Madam, for taking up so much of your time.” and with that, he turned and left me in the rain.
Not certain what just happened or where we stand.
…
I somehow made my way back to Charlotte’s house and studied myself in the mirror. Ashamed of my behavior, I hardly recognize myself.
I almost pity Mr. Darcy who, even in his poor attempt, confessed his suffering of adoration for me just to be rudely rejected then confused with affection.
I shall die of embarrassment! It’d be scarcely less painful to throw myself off the nearest cliff!
Deep in my brooding, I didn’t hear Darcy walk in until he spoke, placing me in a state of shock. I was not expecting anyone to be here and I’m too mortified to face him. Not sure what else to do, I just stand here with my back to him and let him leave his letter. Just as I get the courage to turn around, he’s already riding away.
I quickly open his letter and tears immediately stream down my face as I read his explanations of the offenses I laid against him, a deep pit of anxiety growing in my abdomen.
What have I done?
I suspect he will no longer be at Rosings when I wake in the morning but I need to somehow explain my impertinence now that my temper has simmered.
I begin a reply.
Dear Mr. Darcy,
Let me begin by admitting I have likely earned myself many sleepless nights due to my behavior at Rosings. I fear I will feel the bitter taste of regret for my harsh words for the rest of my life. As of yet, I am not able to excuse your brash admissions regarding my family but upon further thought of the situation, I find that I am flattered by your feelings- even if you do feel them “against your better judgement."
I do so hope, though I did not wound your ego terribly. You possess many credible qualities, and even if it were at the expense of my sister, you have proven yourself a most loyal friend.
Sometimes you seem so hardened that in my moment of anger I didn’t think you could be wounded at all. But, reciting our conversations all night in my mind, I see clearly my retort was less than lady like and I must apologize.
If I may offer a compliment as a peace offering, any woman would be privileged to have you by her side. One of which is better suited to your rank and family’s expectation. There are many reasons she would be so fortunate, and I am not referring to your salary. I mean that in earnest. Though it may have stung to hear it, you weren’t wrong in your introduction to your proposal.
I am inferior.
As for your forthcomings of Wickham, I don’t quite know what to say, as I am feeling foolish. How unfortunate for you sister! I have heard nothing but most pleasant things regarding her character and though I have yet to meet her, I feel as though I know her and can now understand the betrayal you felt.
I barely know Mr. Wickham and I admit, I was smitten upon our first meeting, but it looks as though I am not the best judge of character in every case. I appreciate the clarity and thank you for sharing such a personal trial.
I pray you did not read sarcasm in the tone of this letter as I have been truthful in all things written.
I’ve grown to think fondly of you and as my friend I feel terrible for the way I treated you. I hope you don’t harbor further resentment, that we can meet again civilly one day.
My warmest wishes to you and your sister, Mr. Darcy.
Yours,
Elizabeth Bennet
I wonder when I could get this letter to him, or where I’d even have it delivered. I do my best to fall asleep and finally drift off into a most uncomfortable night’s rest.