Work Text:
The digital wind felt nothing like outside, but Ragatha could ignore it. She could pretend the pixelized movements in the air were something natural, something brought by the heat of the earth, something balancing.
It was an adventure. Not many were held outside due to the preparations each map needed to form, but it seemed Caine was giving them at least some sort of break this time. They were tasked to save a spring blossom festival in danger of derailing, and there was a list of tasks they each had to complete to consider the festival “saved.”
And. Well. It had posed a great chance for Ragatha to retreat.
Normally, she really wouldn’t have. She hated letting down the NPCs, even knowing that they weren’t quite real; it felt real enough to matter. But today, she just felt… detached. Stilted. Wrong.
She found herself wandering the fields outside the false village, letting her hands run through the long strands of grass that felt just a little too much like straws. Each brush reminded her of all the days she’d done this in the past.
There was something about springtime that used to make her feel at ease. It reminded her of the fields back home, where she’d spend her days roaming anytime she could. Anything to get out of the house.
She supposed retreating from this adventure was a bit like that. Evading assigned tasks in a life she didn’t want to live. Out of sight, out of mind.
The footsteps behind her helped her shake her head free from the feeling, just a little. She wasn’t meant to go down that path, not really.
“Hey.” Ribbit’s voice drifted across the breeze, calm as anything. Easy and knowing. She always knew when Ragatha was thinking too hard.
“Hey yourself.” Ragatha lifted her hands mechanically to point finger guns at Ribbit, following the script they shared. The frog smiled, a little softer than usual. Perhaps a little sadder.
“The other two decided to tag-team pestering the townsfolk for ingredients. I dunno what they plan on doing with the goods, but I’m sure we’re in for a treat when we get back.” Ribbit laughed, the sound also scripted.
Jax and Kaufmo did quite like the potential for mischief each adventure held. Usually, Ribbit was right there with them, somehow the perfect blend of chaos and rationality. Ragatha almost never partook in any of it, but she often smiled at her friends’ shenanigans. Ribbit would often catch her eye, leaving an in for her if she ever did want to join the fun. She appreciated the offers more than she could say, especially considering how rarely she took them.
“Something about it turn you away?” Ragatha walked slowly, turning towards a group of blossom trees. She felt her feet hitting the floor, picking up easily between the grass. There wasn't any dirt that could stick to her. Ribbit was quiet, following the doll with careful steps. Ragatha wrung her hands as she stopped by one of the trees. She used the glint of the plastic leaves to distract herself from her mind telling her she’d asked too much already.
“…something like that.” Ribbit finally murmured, looking down at the waving grass. She still held onto that sad smile. The vague avoidance raised a flag in Ragatha’s mind; she knew it all too well. Snatching the cue in her brain, she leaned closer to Ribbit.
“Is something wrong?” Ragatha dared not pry further, even with her body coiled, ready to move again at a breath’s notice. She trembled lightly, and she braced a hand on the tree. The bark was smooth.
“Mm. I miss home.” There was something incredibly distant in Ribbit’s gaze. Ragatha desperately wanted to clear it away, but… she felt it too. Her back slid down against the tree, her legs too tired to keep herself up anymore. There was barely any resistance.
“Yeah, I get it. This weather would be perfect to take the horses out in.” Ragatha pursued the lifeboat, pulling the rope she was tethered to. When Ribbit looked to her, she lifted her hand in offer. Hoping she could convey through the dull sparkle in her eye that she wanted her near. She wanted to help. Honesty followed honesty, she supposed.
“Do they like spring?” Ribbit tilted their head, eyes wide with curiosity. Taking the distraction. She took Ragatha’s hand, and the doll smiled softly as her friend sat down beside her. Ribbit always seemed to love when she talked about her horses. Maybe because it was the only thing about her life she would light up for.
“Some of them. Fall was another favorite.” She stared at the sky. “Alfredo always loved to run through the leaves. Sometimes I’d yell at her for messing up my work, but I was always laughing too hard for her to ever take me seriously. She’d just do it again when the pile got big enough.”
Some of the petals swirled in the sky, twirling together until they collided. They fell in pairs, collecting into their own pile on the ground. If Ragatha had the energy, maybe she’d run through them herself. Kick them up and make a mess. Laugh with her full breath, smiling so wide her eye would close with it.
But she was exhausted. So she stayed put, slumped against the digital bark, her dress pooled around her. Trying to hide her care in the patternless folds. Running would exhaust what little energy she had left. Her laughter would be hollow. She was too drained to risk being unruly. If there were consequences, she wouldn’t be able to handle it. So she melted further into the tree, the only show of her desire being the squeeze to her friend’s hand.
“Hah! I used to love running around the same way.” Ribbit grinned, their face visibly tired. If Ribbit was even more worn than the doll, it was a wonder they were even sitting upright. “My parents hated that when I was little. We lived near the woods, and I’d escape there whenever I didn’t want to be around.”
Ragatha stared at the field they were in. Her own escape, translated to a hollow digital landscape. She wonders how Ribbit would feel on an adventure in the woods. She wonders if they’d feel as conflicted as she was. She wonders if they’d be as calm.
She thinks this might be the perfect time to tell Ribbit about that. But she’s so tired, and she just doesn’t want to deal with any more pity. She gives it out enough herself, she doesn’t think she could take it in return. She let the silence stretch.
“Hey, has Caine ever made an autumn adventure?” Ribbit piped up suddenly, face openly curious. Ragatha blinked, staring at her best friend.
None of the others ever asked her things regarding her time before anyone else arrived. Ragatha used to let slip little remarks regarding how long she’d been here, and Ribbit was the only one who didn’t treat her differently when she did. They knew how much time had passed between the doll’s entrance and their own, yet they treated it the same as when she talked about the latest adventures. The others gave her such devastating looks, like it was the worst thing to ever happen to her. She stopped talking about her past soon after Jax’s arrival.
“Mm… not while I’ve been here. Maybe I can ask Kinger later if he ever went on one. That’s so strange…” Ragatha trailed off for a moment. “He hasn’t done one for winter, yet, either. Or summer. Would a fireworks festival count as a summer-themed adventure?”
“I think so! Lots of stuff to celebrate in the summer, after all.” Ribbit brightened, clapping her hands. “I wish I’d been here for that, I love fireworks. Honestly, looking at anything in the sky is just so cool.”
“Hmm.” Ragatha thought about her life growing up, how summer was the time to dread. School had been an escape in her younger days. “The sky is nice…”
“You don’t sound so certain. Was it my remark about summer?” Ribbit studied Ragatha’s face. Despite the doll’s best efforts, they seemed to find something there, and they nodded. “Okay. What season do you wanna celebrate?”
Ragatha startled, surprised yet again by her friend. She didn’t like the thought of summer as her favorite, but nothing else seemed very appealing either. Now that she was removed from all of it, it all just seemed the same. She couldn’t choose.
“I have to pick?” She left it there. To her dismay, she almost whined with the sentiment. Ribbit only giggled, something sad flickering in her eye before it turned bright again.
“Well, of course you do! We can’t just not celebrate you, silly. We can’t have you perish of boredom or anything.” Ribbit leaned over to give her a playful shove, and Ragatha braced herself in the dirt as she swayed with the movement. The doll laughed, cupping her hand to pluck some grass to throw back at her friend. It came up easily from the ground under her grip. Ribbit cackled as she blocked her face. It sounded exactly like sparkles.
“Hah! What is this, a dirt fight?” Ribbit scooped their hands in the ground, blinking as the substance came up instantly. “Wow. I did not think that would do that. You actually wanna?”
She lifted her ball of dirt in offer, a lopsided smile on her face. Ragatha giggled, lifting a hand to her face.
“Maybe on our next outdoor adventure. I’m tired.” The doll lowered her hand, staring down as she placed it on the ground. When she wasn’t trying to grab it, it stayed entirely solid underneath her.
“Aw. I getcha, though. Just thought this might be a nice distraction, or something.” They shrugged, dropping the dirt. It disappeared under the grass, seeming to mold back into it. “That’s okay. This is nice. Not often we can actually get away like this.”
Ribbit fell silent, smiling at the sky. She moved her legs, swaying gently to an unheard beat. Maybe it was when each petal detached from the trees. Maybe it was to the tune of the theme song. Maybe it was something she’d heard in the past, a remnant of a life now gone.
Ragatha looked at the petals in the air. She felt the tree behind her. She heard the echoes of Ribbit’s laughter, carried loud and far by the wind. Maybe this could be her answer.
“…spring.” She let the word fall into the fray. She thought about her days outside. She looked at the pretty petals dancing in the wind. She breathed in the freshest air she had in a long time. “It feels the least bad.”
“Mm. I getcha. Summer became kinda like that for me.” Ribbit sighed, shifting on the grass and wincing as it poked her. “Out there, I didn’t really like any time of the year. But I’ve always loved the sunshine, and eating ice cream whenever I could. One day, I just… decided summer was gonna be my favorite. And it’s been that way ever since.”
Ragatha nodded. She hoped the motion conveyed how much she understood. Ribbit held her gaze, drinking in the serious look, and used it to kickstart a sparkle to her eyes.
“Hey, we should go rile up the sun when we get back. Wouldn’t it be so fun to throw back what she tries to give us?” Ribbit grinned, pumping a fist with more energy than she’d had the whole conversation. Ragatha sputtered, losing her composure as she waved her arms around.
“We are not antagonizing the sun!” Ragatha tried to sound stern, but she saw how bright and determined Ribbit looked, and she just couldn’t help but burst into a fit of laughter. It sounded like leaf piles under the sunshine. It was so funny how everyone she was closest to made her unable to stop them from doing whatever they wanted.
“Fine, fine, I won’t yell at the sun.” Ribbit waved a hand, as if physically brushing it off. “So, spring’s your jam, yeah? Anything in particular you like about it? Maybe we can make ourselves a little holiday, just for the two of us. Whatcha think, dollipop?”
They put a hand to their chin, a lopsided smile on their face. Ragatha couldn’t help but giggle, stifling the sound on instinct with a hand over her mouth, just like she was taught.
“Hey, hey, get that hand outta here!” Ribbit leaned over to bat at the offending limb, pulling more laughter from the doll as she was manhandled. The frog brightened at the sound, looking very proud of herself. “I like your laugh, I hate when you cover it up.”
Ragatha immediately fell quiet, looking down at her hand where Ribbit still held it. She felt far too seen. The frog immediately squeezed her hand, and the doll looked up to see something deep swirling in her friend’s eyes.
“Don’t hide, c’mon.” Ribbit shook her hand, once, a plea and an ask far too great. “Not from me.”
It shot an arrow straight through her, aimed for her heart. She felt static run through her at their concerned look, frightened that she’d hurt her. It kickstarted her heart, begging her to move, begging her to hide.
“I’m- I’m sorry-” Ragatha tried to tug her hand back, to turn away and maybe even leave so she’d stop the swirl of dismay she saw in her friend’s eyes. She didn’t know why it’d showed up, she didn’t know what she did to put it there. Ribbit held on, bringing her other hand to grasp Ragatha’s arm.
“Hold on there, pause with me a moment.” Ribbit schooled their expression, boxing up the concern and setting it aside. “Take a breath with me.”
They breathed together. It was something Ribbit did sometimes when they thought she was spiraling. She hated how often they initiated the pause. She was embarrassed how well it worked.
“There we go.” The frog smiled warmly, pleased at whatever she saw in Ragatha. “Better?”
“Mhm.” Even if Ragatha hated that it was needed, she never liked lying about it. She couldn’t meet her eyes.
“I’m glad.” Ribbit’s gentle smile spoke essays on how true it was. “Wanna unpack that with me at all?”
It was an open question that sometimes came with the pause. The first time they’d asked, they’d explained that working through the spiraling thoughts might help prevent them in the future. Ragatha usually said no. Ribbit never pushed her. But…
She was so tired. Trying to hide was draining her, more than she wanted to admit. She swallowed thickly, staring at the gently waving grass.
Maybe she could finally shift the dam blocking the waterfall of emotion. It was weighted so heavily and yet completely hollowed out, a dizzying dichotomy she wasn’t sure she could handle airing out. Ragatha sighed, looking down. Ribbit’s hands still held her arm.
“Maybe.” Ragatha shuddered, already guilty for even half-accepting the offer. “It’s hard.”
Ribbit nodded sagely. She began to slowly rub Ragatha’s arm, loose and rhythmic. Like a tether of waves.
“I know how it is. Remember how I was when I first popped in here?” The frog chuckled, something shadowed clinging to her. They looked away. “I think some of that might be coming back again, though. That’s part of why I came out here.”
Ragatha blinked. She remembered Ribbit’s first days in the circus. The panic everyone seemed to share, the days they shut themself in their room, the haunted looks when they’d meet anyone’s gaze. Ragatha hadn’t had much experience with new additions at the time, but she hoped she hadn’t done badly. Maybe she could remedy that now. But before she could say a word, Ribbit shifted to face her better.
“Oh, Rags, I know that look. I don’t really need comfort or anything, though I appreciate you for it.” She gave a wistful, dull smile. “Just kinda needed someone to tell. If I keep it to myself, I can’t be held accountable, y’know?”
“Yeah.” Ragatha responded automatically. She didn’t really know what to think. If she didn’t fix it, wasn’t she useless? Was she really helping by just sitting there?
“That wasn’t the only reason I came, though.” Ribbit stopped rubbing her arm, tightening her hold instead. “You look more worn down than you have in a while. I wanted to check in.”
“…you look the same.” Ragatha’s voice was hollow. Flatter than she’d ever heard it come out before. She wouldn’t dare acknowledge what it meant for her. She didn’t dare think about someone seeing her exhaustion. The frog frowned, touching her cheek, but didn’t comment.
“Hmm, I suppose you’re right. I guess we really are both out here to escape.” Ribbit smiled, that same soft, sad thing that she’d given in the beginning. “At least we’re in this together. I would hate living through these adventures alone.”
“Mhm.” Ragatha found it in herself to smile back. Her other hand moved to rest atop Ribbit’s, and they shifted to hold hands. Sharing strength from drying wells. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”
“Hey, me too, darling.” Ribbit leaned into her, relaxing against her and the tree. “It sucks we have to be here, but I’m glad I got to meet you. Thanks for being cool.”
The frog sighed, the sound more open and comfortable than anything else had been. Their very breath felt more relaxed than before. Ragatha smiled at the waving petals, the only witnesses to their shared reprieve. She thought about her quiet maybe.
“You offered to listen, before.” The words came out in a whisper, trying not to break their shared silence. It still felt like the toll of a gong, echoing for ages across the field. “But I don’t think I could explain it all if I tried. I’ve just been… tired.”
“Hey, it’s all good. I get it.” Ribbit took it in stride, bumping Ragatha’s shoulder with their cheek. “You can totally be tired, that’s valid. Hell, be at your wit’s end. Go crazy, let it all out. Yell if you gotta. It’s the circus, it’s gonna suck for a long [%$!#]ing time.”
Ragatha resolutely did not mention anything that kept her from doing so. The attention it would bring to her, the violence she didn’t want to emulate, the way she felt her mother’s hand gripping her shoulder in warning at the very thought of vocalizing her pains. The doll swallowed, trembling minutely with the pressure.
She couldn’t show it. She couldn’t afford to.
“Woah, you don’t gotta think about that now if it’s just gonna stress you out.” Ribbit shook her a little, sitting up from her spot. The doll mourned the loss of her body heat. “We’re out here to be so calm and cool, not loop endlessly on hypotheticals.”
Ragatha laughed at the thought of Ribbit finding her cool. Her hand began to move to try and cover her face, but she kept it down in its proper place. Holding Ribbit’s.
“Hey, we are!” Ribbit was laughing now too, something delighted in her eyes. Something genuine and fulfilled. “We’re the coolest. Nothing in the world can change that.”
The frog held her hands up, framing Ragatha between them. The doll looked through those hands, her friend framed similarly in mirror. She thought they looked pretty.
“Nothing at all.” Ragatha whispered, her arms clutched close, as if scared to reach and shatter the frame. Her smile was deep, quivering, and threatened to fall into tears at any moment.
Ribbit flopped back down, settling close against Ragatha again. She seemed to melt into the doll, completely at ease again. She hoped, for once, that the others were holding up the adventure as long as they could manage. Ribbit may be the mastermind, but Jax and Kaufmo knew how to hold their ground among the mischief.
They laid there for a long time, breathing together. Absorbing each other’s temporary peace. Ribbit’s words echoed in Ragatha’s ears, bouncing from her head to her heart and all the way back again. She didn’t think she had it in her to yell, like her friend said she could.
“I… really am just tired. Honest.” Her smile was sad, indulgently flowered. It held a hollow gaze, one her friend looked right into and saw every ounce of the lie held within.
“Hm. If you say so.” Ribbit closed her eyes for a moment, and let her have her lie. “But it won’t always be that way. You wanna know why?”
Ragatha almost didn’t dare to ask. There was so much confidence in her best friend’s voice, she knew she would believe whatever she said next. But the only thing that seemed worse than the prospect of Ribbit’s words being untrue was never being able to hear them at all. So, in a voice that betrayed her, oozing a whispered hope, she asked. “Why?”
“Good days are coming.” Ribbit smiled, that soft crinkle often saved for the doll. Just as the sharp firecracker sparkle in her eyes was saved for Jax, and the soft, indulgent but genuine laughs for Kaufmo. “I promise you. One day, they’ll come.”
(In her room, Ragatha keeps a single petal. Half-hidden on her bookshelf, it never fades away.)
The wind blew through Ragatha’s hair, weaving through her curls and soothing her skin.
When she awoke to the world, and she found out it was springtime, she immediately went back to her field. Finding the others was out of the question for the moment. She couldn’t bear it if anything else had gone wrong, and there were so many unknowns. So much about the landscape had changed, and she barely knew her way around anymore. But through some miracle, she made it there. Being so close to her childhood house sent a pang of fear through her, but the familiar air soothed her all the same. She knew what it was like to live this.
Now that she was here, she couldn’t see any other season being her favorite. In days long gone, she’d loved reading with her back against the willow tree near the farmhouse road or wandering the fields. Now the road was paved, consuming more of the fields than it ever had before, but her tree was still there. Her body still fit in the crevice, her breath still spilled in the air to mix with the breeze.
Until the circus, she’d loved spending her spring days alone, letting nature be the only sounds to fill the sky. It was still a symphony of sound, with the birds and the bugs and the trees and the newfound leaves all twisting and curling into one satisfying song.
Now, it always felt like there was something missing. Now that she knew what it was like to have someone to spend the days with, it felt hollow without them. As if she had only just been told there was a space carved out of her tree for another soul to fill, but it was only a whisper carried on the wind. Not something she was allowed to keep.
She’d tried. She’d wished for the good days many times, often outside the grounds. Looking at the moonlit sky, hands awkwardly clasped together, muttering words in a tone never fit for her.
Sometimes, the moon herself answered her. She spoke of love and light, and always listened no matter how upset she was. But that never truly could satiate her, not when her company was so far away.
Now the moon was even farther. It shone the same light, but it was a reminder of all the kind faces now long gone. Cursed to live in her memory, an unreliable place for sights so beautiful. Nowhere was safe.
Not even her lonely tree, not even the curve in the wood she always sat in. Not even the wind, bringing petals in a breeze from far, far away. The wind in the circus could never do that.
Her five fingers reached out to catch one of the petals. Three of them bent awkwardly, trying to move as one. But she managed to hold it, feeling it crinkle and bend under her grip. It felt soft, where once it had felt like plastic. She rubbed it, again and again, just to feel the sensation.
Everything felt different now. Not just because of the different textures, but touch itself just didn’t register the same. It was all so overwhelming, so tangible, so real.
The petal broke under her fingers, and she let the pieces fall to the ground. She could see the pink specks in between the blades of grass, and she let her hand fall among them. It nestled within the dirt, sinking slightly. She looked closer, taking in each part.
Sometimes, she’ll forget she has two eyes again. She couldn’t tell whether the things around her were more crisp because it was physical, or because she could actually see better now.
She wished she could figure it out. There was a lot she used to wonder about, trapped in the circus. Sometimes she would air her questions, to herself or the others. If she felt brave, she would ask those who came after her what the outside was like when they put on the headset.
Ribbit answered her the most. They seemed to love talking about nature, telling her all about the stars they could look at. Ragatha told her about the farmhouse, and tried to picture the constellations she only knew now from her.
She’d stopped being curious, and then Ribbit was gone.
If she listened hard enough, sometimes she swore she could still hear the sound. The bright, flowering laugh that had accompanied her days was far too distinct to just lose all at once. She wished she’d asked if anyone else could hear it too, but she always feared their concern being directed at her.
She wished she were back in the circus, and then she wished she never had to have such a terrible thought.
She was free, wasn’t she? But everyone she’d ever loved, in the forms she’d loved them in, felt out of reach. She’d woken up all alone, and she hadn’t known what to do. It wasn’t like she really had anyone outside she was super eager to see immediately. She was too scared to try facing her siblings yet, despite how she loved them to bits. It would certainly mean seeing her mother again.
She was sick of feeling pinned in place, but she couldn’t move to take out the knife in her heart.
So she left it in, and she sat under her tree. She sort of wanted a book to read, to pass the time and to really lean into how she used to spend her time, but she didn’t have any money on her and didn’t want to figure out what she still had. It was far too fresh. Without anyone to latch to, she’d done what she always had, and she’d avoided it.
Nobody even knew she was alive.
It was devastating. She almost didn’t want them to know, if only to save them all from how shattered she was after everything. But she knew that would just cause them more pain, not knowing. She knew what not having that closure felt like.
It was what kept her tethered. Every moment she felt like she was going to lose her marbles, she would remind herself why she had to stay. She was the one who helped everyone, the one to be the smile in the storm. Even when words wouldn’t work, perhaps her presence still could. So she never left, no matter how often she wanted to.
No matter how much she wanted to see Ribbit, she never did. Now it wasn’t possible anymore. She didn’t have that out.
The emotion that bubbled within her was sudden. It was harsh, it was agonized, it was everything all at once. It coursed through her veins, sparked up and down her arm and she felt herself turning to hit the tree she sat by with an agonized yell. Punching the bark that supported her.
The wood was rough. It hurt, it was tangible, it was real. She rubbed her hand on it, harshly scraping it, feeling the sparks of pain and closing her eyes with it. It bloomed, surrounding her, choking her. Absorbing everything that spilled out of her weeping heart.
One particular indent snagged her and stopped her motion, and she cried out with it. She didn’t renew the motion, shakily curling her fingers into her scraped palm instead. Gently touching where her skin had torn. Her eyes fluttered open, gently pouring hesitant tears down her cheeks. She stared at the bark she’d handled so roughly, and her frown deepened. She sent it a silent apology.
The tree was a lot like her, she thought. Covered in layers so thick no one could see inside. But the outside was so pretty, who would want to? The patterns would be enough. Her smile would be enough.
Like the tree, maybe she could send herself an apology.
Perhaps that’s what Ribbit really wanted to tell her, when she let her continue her routine. That she knew she couldn’t help it, even trusting her as much as she did. She’d stick around anyway, and she’d gently pry to the center.
There it was, the batter lined up for the run, the final twig on the dam, the drop of water in an overflowing pool. Opening the void in her heart where Ribbit now lived. Where her friend was nothing but memory.
Ragatha lifted her hand from the bark. She braced herself, tensing for one moment. Then she flopped back and away from the tree, her legs kicking up, sprawling herself haphazardly. Just letting herself be. Something she never did before the circus, and something she never again indulged in after Ribbit’s death.
There were a few birds whispering a loving song, gracing her vision and swooping in the air. Some of them chased after each other, flying up and away. Some of them stayed behind, resting on the trees and the grass. They saw her. They knew she was here. Alive. Breathing the very same air.
It was a fairly smoggy day. The clouds tried to hide the sky, and the color behind it was desaturated. It was the clearest air she’d breathed in a decade. It was the most beautiful sight Ragatha had ever seen.
Here she is, sitting in the good days. Soaking in the daydreams they’d spent so long crafting together, echoes of the whispers that had built each breath. Her hands and her heart all scratched up, but trying to heal.
The pressure may never be gone, but it eases with the calm. The sun peeks between the clouds. Ragatha can feel the breeze, and she knows it's real. Gently, lovingly real. It carries along a song, a story, a lifeline.
Ribbit had asked what she liked about spring. She thinks she finally has her answer.