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"Two glasses of Pinot Noir for the lady, a pint of draft beer for me, and bartender—keep a bottle of your best bourbon right here on the counter."
"Mulder, what on earth are you doing? I agreed to one drink after that endless stack of budget reports."
"We are celebrating the survival of our bureaucratic sanity, Scully. And we are playing a game."
"I don't like the look in your eyes. What kind of game?"
"A classic. HAVE YOU EVER. But with high stakes. Every time you answer 'yes' to a question, you take a shot of bourbon. If you answer 'no,' I take a shot. Shot for shot, all night."
"And what are you chasing your bourbon with, Agent Mulder?"
"My beer. And you can use your sophisticated wine. Do we have a deal, or is the great Dana Scully afraid of a little truth serum?"
"I am a medical doctor, Mulder, and I am entirely unafraid of your juvenile parlor games. Pour the shots. You go first."
"Alright. Let's start simple. Have you ever pocketed office stationery from Assistant Director Skinner's desk?"
"Never. I have a strict moral code regarding administrative supplies. Drink your bourbon, Mulder."
"Down the hatch. Whew, that has some bite. Your turn, Scully. Hit me."
"Have you ever actually read the entire FBI field manual?"
"Does skimming the pictures count? No? Fine, yes, I read it once during a stakeout in ninety-two just to stay awake. My turn to drink. Smooth chaser, though."
"You're already two shots down, Mulder. Pacing is key."
"I'm just warming up. Have you ever used your FBI badge to get a free coffee or a better table at a restaurant?"
"Mulder, that is a severe violation of federal conduct codes. So, no, absolutely not."
"A textbook answer. Guess I'm taking shot number three. Bartender, line 'em up. Alright, Scully, let's step it up. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket and tried to flirt your way out of it?"
"I am a professional, Mulder. When I am pulled over, I present my license and registration with utmost decorum. So, no."
"I don't believe you. Your left eyebrow did a little twitch."
"It did not. Drink your bourbon and stop interrogating my facial features."
"Fine, fine. Down it goes. Okay, my turn to ask. Have you ever sung karaoke in a crowded bar while completely sober?"
"Absolutely not. No one needs to witness that under any circumstances."
"Tragic. Truly tragic. I, on the other hand, do a killer rendition of 'Shaft'—sober or otherwise. Drink number five for me."
"You are going to regret this experiment by tomorrow morning's briefing."
"Tomorrow is a lifetime away. Let's get personal. Have you ever questioned your sexual orientation?"
"Questioned? No. I’ve always been very secure in my preferences. But since we are being thoroughly transparent... have you ever slept with someone of the same sex?"
"Yes."
"Mulder... the game requires an honest—wait. Did you say yes?"
"I did. Is that a problem for the medical mind? I believe that means it's my turn to take a shot of bourbon."
"No, it's just... you've never mentioned it. Who?"
"We agreed to the rules, Scully, but since we are several drinks deep... Darren Nolan. We dated for a brief time a few years back. Very discreetly."
"Darren Nolan? The Darren Nolan from the San Francisco field office? The one every single female agent at the academy was swooning over?"
"He has excellent bone structure, Scully. Don't be jealous. It was quiet, brief, and ended amicably."
"So... you’re bisexual."
"No. I'm not. Labels are for soup cans, Scully. I don't subscribe to the binary formatting of human desire. I am attracted to people, to minds, to the unexplained. Darren was a very handsome, exceptionally intelligent anomaly."
"Only you could sleep with the most eligible bachelor in the FBI and claim it doesn't count toward a demographic. If we are being completely transparent here... were you a bottom or a top during this relationship?"
"Scully! I am shocked. Where is that famous Catholic school decorum? But to answer your question... let's just say I prefer to maintain a healthy balance of control, both in the field and in the bedroom. But Darren was very persuasive."
"I definitely need a sip of wine for that mental image."
"Oh, no. You don't get to just sip your wine and stare at me. The rule of reciprocity applies here. Have you ever slept with someone of the same sex?"
"Yes."
"Hold on. Stop the tape. Dana Scully has a secret past?"
"It was college, Mulder. A fellow pre-med student named Karen. It was strictly a brief exploration during a very stressful semester, and it made me realize that I am, without a doubt, strictly heterosexual."
"Fascinating. So... top or bottom?"
"Mulder! That is highly inappropriate, and I am currently invoking my right to remain silent."
"That's a cop-out! Drink your bourbon, Scully! You finally have to take a shot!"
"Fine. Down the hatch. See? I didn't even flinch."
"Impressive."
"My turn. Have you ever thought about me... outside of the basement? Outside of the Bureau? As a person you would ask on a date or be involved with?"
"Honestly, Scully....More often than I care to admit to myself."
"You have?"
"Every single day. You are the one constant in my life. I've thought about what it would be like to just pick up the phone and call you without a case file in my hand."
"Then why haven't you said anything?"
"Because I've been terrified that if I crossed that line and messed it up, I'd lose the only person who actually believes in me. Your turn to ask, Scully."
"Have you ever thought about kissing me, spontaneously, passionately, whether at work or outside of work?"
"Yes. Absolutely. More times than I can count. In that hallway in Philadelphia when the power went out. In the car outside that warehouse in Idaho watching the rain. Every single time you look at me with that perfect blend of exasperation and absolute loyalty."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Aren't you tired of the unspoken boundaries. I'm tired of the distance."
*Mulder leans across the small table separating them.....*
*the distance shrinks.....*
"Medical confirmation. The physics of that kiss were entirely sound."
"The parameters of reality just shifted significantly. Your lips taste like Pinot Noir and bourbon."
"And yours taste like draft beer. So... what do we do now, Agent Mulder?"
Bartender, one more round of bourbon for each of us. Don't worry about the chasers this time."
"Mulder, if we throw down another shot of ninety-proof liquor on top of everything we just confessed, the consequences tomorrow morning are going to be catastrophic."
"We are already past the event horizon, Scully. There is no saving tomorrow morning. Besides, the game isn't officially over until the bottle is empty."
"Fine. Let's finish it. To absolute transparency."
"To throwing out the case files."
"Whew. That one hit right at the back of the throat. Drink some wine, Scully. Breathe. Now, since we are playing for absolute keeps and the alcohol has officially bypassed my frontal lobe, I need to know one more thing."
"You want me to expound further on my college exploration?"
"No, I think I have a highly vivid, anatomically precise mental image of Karen the pre-med student already. I'm talking about us."
"What about us, Mulder?"
"Have you ever kept a secret from me about us? Something you deliberately hid because you thought it would break the partnership?"
"Besides the fact that I’ve been entirely in love with you for the better part of four years?"
"Scully..."
"You wanted a secret, Mulder. There it is. Now it’s my turn to demand reciprocity. What about Diana Fowley?"
"Diana? Where is this coming from?"
"From the same well of absolute honesty we just tapped into. You never told me about her. I had to find out she existed through Frohike, Byers, Langley, and Bureau transfer files. Why did you keep her a secret from me?"
"Because she was part of a past I was actively trying to bury, Scully. It wasn't just that we worked together before the X-Files."
"Then what was it?"
"Diana and I were married."
"Married? Mulder... you were married to her?"
"Briefly. Very briefly. We kept it entirely legal and entirely quiet because of Bureau regulations at the time. It lasted less than a year."
"Why didn't you tell me? In four years of standing by your side, you never once mentioned a wife."
"Because by the time the final divorce papers were signed, she had already taken that counter-intelligence reassignment overseas. I held onto the unsigned papers for three months, Scully. Just hoping she’d change her mind, hoping she’d return. By the time you walked into my basement office with your clipboard and your skepticism, I had only been legally divorced for six months."
"Six months..."
"I was a wreck. My sister was gone, my marriage was dead, and my career was a punchline. I wasn't ready for another romantic relationship. I didn't think I had anything left inside me to give to another human being."
"And then you met me."
"And then I met you. And within weeks, everything changed. You weren't a spy sent to watch me, you weren't an anomaly, you were... you. And I knew, with absolute clarity, that I had fallen in love with you."
"But you never said a word. You let me sit in that car with you for years, Mulder. You let me wonder."
"Because I was terrified, Scully! I had already had my heart completely broken by Phoebe Greene, and then torn to shreds by Diana. I refused to act on what I felt for you. I told myself that protecting our partnership—protecting you from my baggage—was the only way to keep you safe. I couldn't risk losing you to the same curse that ruined everything else in my life."
"Mulder, I am not Phoebe. And I am certainly not Diana Fowley."
"I know. I've known it for a long time. But looking at you every day, knowing how much I wanted you and how much I needed you to just hold the flashlight... it was the hardest discipline of my life. I'm an idiot. A fool."
"Medical confirmation. I've been reviewing the data for years."
"Scully.....If I had known—if I had just looked at you a fraction of a second longer in that hallway in Philadelphia—"
"We can't change the timeline, Mulder. We can only adjust the parameters of the present."
"Then let's adjust them immediately. Bartender, put the rest of that bottle on my tab."
"No more drinks, Mulder. You promised we were leaving after that round."
"I am a man of my word. I meant let's get the hell out of here before I forget that we are in a public establishment and do something that violates several local ordinances."
"For once, Agent Mulder, your logic is completely flawless."
"My apartment or yours, Scully?"
"Yours is closer, but mine doesn't have a ceiling covered in taped-up crime scene photographs."
"An excellent scientific observation. Lead the way, Doctor."
*
"Watch your step, Scully. The curb just jumped out at me, so I assume it's doing the same to you."
"My balance is perfectly fine, Mulder. It's the ambient temperature that is currently shocking my system."
"The air is crisp. It helps clear the bourbon fog. Slightly."
"There's a cab with its light on. Flag it down before someone else does."
"Taxi! Over here! Perfect. Open the door for the lady... and up we go."
"Where to?"
"North Potomac, please."
"You're leaning on my shoulder, Scully. Not that I'm complaining."
"It's purely a mechanical concession to gravity, Mulder. The cab is taking these turns with a complete disregard for centrifugal force."
"Of course. Purely physics. Your hair smells like Casey's Bar and expensive shampoo."
"And you smell like a distillery. Here's my street. Keep the change, driver."
*
"Let me get the heavy building door. After you, Doctor."
"Quietly, Mulder. My neighbors don't appreciate late-night administrative discussions."
"Right. Stealth mode. I'll just stand here by your kitchen counter and try not to spin."
"Sit on the couch before you fall over. I'm going to pour us some water. Large glasses."
"Water is a wise choice. My brain cells thank you in advance. But I don't think the water is going to change the fact that I love you."
"The water was meant to delay the inevitable, Mulder. Not cancel it."
"Then consider the delay officially over. Come here."
"I am right here, Mulder."
"You're still standing by the kitchen counter. That's a minimum of six feet of completely unnecessary separation."
"Then close the distance."
"You see? Actions. Much more efficient than our usual semantic debates."
"Your hands are freezing, Mulder."
"They'll warm up. Your mouth is warm enough for both of us."
*they lean in closer to one another.....*
"Mulder... wait. Stop for just a second."
"Don't tell me Karen the pre-med student just flashed before your eyes."
"No. Walter Skinner just flashed before my eyes."
"Scully, that is officially the most effective mood-killer in the history of human intimacy."
"Think about it logically, Mulder. It is currently past midnight. We have a combined blood alcohol level that would stun a large mammal. And we have to sit across from the Assistant Director in exactly eight and a half hours."
"We will wear sunglasses. We will drink heavy black coffee. We will look exceptionally professional while secretly nursing identical hangovers."
"He's going to look right through us, Mulder. He always does. He'll see the budget reports aren't signed, he'll see the bags under our eyes, and he'll know."
"Let him look. What's he going to do? Banish us to a basement office in the dark? We're already there, Scully. We've reached the bottom of the Bureau hierarchy. There's nowhere left for them to drop us."
"That is a remarkably comforting piece of fatalism."
"I do my best. Now, can we please banish the Assistant Director from this bedroom?"
"Yes. Please."
*
"Turn off the alarm, Scully. It's too loud."
"It's the sun, Mulder. The sun is too loud."
"Why did we let the sun back into the room? Who authorized that?"
"You did. When you refused to close the blinds last night because you claimed you were tracking a meteor shower."
"Did we see any meteors?"
"No. We were entirely occupied with other celestial phenomena."
"Right. Sound physics. My head feels like a government facility after a demolition order."
"Drink the water on the nightstand. I left two aspirin next to it."
"You are a saint, Dana Scully. A medical miracle. Are you moving? Don't move."
"I have to get up, Mulder. We have exactly forty-five minutes to turn into credible federal agents."
"Just stay for five more minutes. Let the Bureau wait."
"We've kept them waiting for four years, Mulder."
"Another five minutes won't collapse the Department of Justice. Come back under the blanket."
*
"Look at this directory, Scully. Darren Nolan's name is on the third-floor roster."
"Mulder, we are standing in the main lobby of the J. Edgar Hoover Building. Stop staring at the directory before someone thinks you're planning a security breach."
"I'm just observing. He must have transferred back from San Francisco. If he passes us in the hall, do I say hello, or do we maintain the code of absolute discretion?"
"You will say a professional, platonic good morning. And you will definitely not bring up the Kinsey scale or our little game of Have You Ever."
"What about Karen from college? Is she hiding out in the forensics lab?"
"She is a chief pediatric surgeon in Chicago, Mulder, which is a safe five hundred miles away from your prying questions. Now, adjust your tie. We are exactly two minutes late."
"We aren't late, Scully. We are arriving with executive presence."
*
"Good morning, Assistant Director Skinner."
"Sit down, both of you. You're late."
"Our apologies, sir. The traffic on the bridge was completely gridlocked."
"I don't care about the traffic, Mulder. I care about these travel vouchers. Why is there a line item for forty-two dollars of premium bourbon under 'essential field research'?"
"That was... an administrative anomaly, sir. A clerical error."
"Fix it. Both of you look like you've been run over by a tactical vehicle. Is there a medical explanation for the absolute lack of color in your faces, Agent Scully?"
"A slight case of insomnia, Assistant Director. We stayed up quite late reviewing... older files. Testing a few foundational theories of our partnership."
"Did you reach a conclusive result?"
"Entirely sound physics, sir. The parameters of reality have been significantly adjusted."
"I don't want to hear about parameters, and I definitely don't want to hear about physics. Sign the budget reviews, get back down to the basement, and drink some coffee. You're giving me a headache just looking at you."
"Thank you, sir. Have a productive morning."
"That went surprisingly well, Scully."
"We escaped with our credentials intact, Mulder. That is the exact opposite of our usual briefings."
*
"Step away from the elevator, Mulder. He's coming right toward us."
"Who? Nolan? Well, look at that. The profile in the Bureau newsletter didn't do justice to the jawline."
"Mulder, stop staring. Keep your eyes on the floor indicator."
"Good morning, Agent Mulder. Agent Scully."
"Good morning, Agent Nolan. Welcome back to headquarters."
"Thanks, Scully. Good to see you, Mulder. It’s been a while."
"Yes, it has, Darren. Glad to see the San Francisco sun didn't ruin your excellent bone structure."
"Still the same old Mulder. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up."
"Absolutely. I’ll let you know when the basement schedule clears up."
"Take care, both of you. See you around."
"Mulder, I think my jaw just dropped onto the linoleum. You actually flirted with him right in front of the main security desk."
"I was merely being a polite former acquaintance, Scully. Besides, I wanted to see if you'd get jealous."
"I am not jealous. I am simply astounded by your complete lack of a self-preservation instinct."
"Well, now that we've cleared the ghost of relationships past from the hallway, let's talk about the future."
"The immediate future involves entering this elevator and going directly to the basement, Mulder."
"I'm talking about tonight. A real date. No neon signs, no sticky bar counters at Casey's, and absolutely no truth-or-dare drinking games."
"A novel concept. What do you have in mind?"
"There's a quiet French bistro near Dupont Circle. Low lighting, tablecloths that aren't made of vinyl, and a wine list that doesn't include anything served in a shot glass."
"And what's the catch? Are we staking out the waiter?"
"No stakes, no files, no monsters under the table. Just you, me, and a bottle of wine that we drink entirely for pleasure."
"I accept your terms, Agent Mulder. On one condition."
"Name it."
"You are not allowed to ask the sommelier if the vintage was harvested during a lunar eclipse."
"You're taking all the fun out of astrophysics, Scully, but for you... it's a deal."
END.