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Worth was something that was constantly judged on Eden, and the judgment began from birth. Physical health and early learning ability would set children on paths to their roles. Such paths were rarely overturned. Should someone fail at their path or demonstrate too little ability—
Well, the Last Tree could always use some more fertilizer.
Simon had always been peripherally aware that he was being judged. That his survival depended on that judgment. He retained some naive sense of security though since he had always been healthy and strong.
This changed when he attended his first lessons.
It only took a few lessons for Simon to realize that his peers were learning far faster than he was. He could do numbers alright, but the letters didn't make as much sense to him.
Foolishly, Simon asked the teacher for help, which led to his inadequacy being exposed. The teacher honed in on Simon, constantly measuring his progress to that of his peers. The boy became very aware that his reading and writing was slow. The quality was also poor.
Everyone else made it look easy. They seemed to sprint while Simon could barely get his feet off the ground.
Naturally, this led everyone to the conclusion that Simon was stupid. It was something that the boy himself had to come to terms with.
While he was an idiot though, Simon wasn't a dumbass. He knew that he had to pass basic lessons to survive. The boy also made sure no one could beat him in terms of physical strength.
The useless would die, their bodies becoming fertilizer for the Last Tree.
Simon was nothing if not a survivor.
****
Life on Erid was as good as it could get for Simon. Ryland insisted that that wasn't true: the convict could always take the journey to Earth and experience the planet's wonders.
Simon was happy where he was though. He was housed, clean, and fed. Most importantly, Ryland was here. Why would he want to go live somewhere without his angel?
Although Simon had a bit of a rough—agitated at best and violent at worst—adjustment after being rescued by Eridians, he had quickly become attached to the only other human on the planet. This was a matter of necessity, but Simon also found Ryland very likable. The man's kindness had confused him at first; nonetheless, he couldn't help but crave it. The softness of Ryland's touch and the thoughtless generosity.
It didn't hurt that the man was also gorgeous. Bumbling and awkward, but also very, very handsome.
Falling in love with Ryland was pretty much inevitable once Simon learned to trust that this was a) reality and b) not a cruel manipulation.
And—miracle upon miracles—Ryland took a liking to him too. Simon was pretty sure that the meager options influenced that, but it wasn't like Ryland didn't know him. Ryland was there when he was basically a cornered animal, biting every hand that reached to him. Ryland was there when he woke trembling from nightmares. Ryland knew that he was The Butcher, The Convict, and forever missing his mother.
Ryland also knew that he adored plants. That he would eat anything but had a weakness for sour things. Ryland knew that he wasn't much of a reader but loved to learn.
One of the few things that Ryland didn't know—that Simon purposefully kept from him—was that he was a hopeless idiot when it came to reading.
Simon had long since come to terms with this flaw of his, but he loathed the thought of telling Ryland about it. The man was a teacher for fuck's sake! How disappointed would he be to find out that Simon was barely literate? That he had passed the basic lessons by the skin of his teeth?
No, this was something better kept to himself. Simon didn't want to lower Ryland's opinion of him or insight the man's pity.
Besides, it wasn't that hard of a secret to keep. Ryland was more than happy to explain concepts to Simon, which was not only informative but also allowed the convict an excuse to unabashedly stare at the scientist. The downside to this tactic though was that Ryland didn't know everything. There were times when Simon needed to do his own research.
Which was...fine. Simon could read. It was just fucking frustrating.
One afternoon, Simon was struggling with a book on fruit trees using the laptop. He was trying to figure out the best way to expand the small orchard they had, but it had taken him a fucking half hour to finish a page! The last strand of his patience finally snapped: Simon slammed the laptop shut!
To find himself looking at Ryland, who was frozen in the doorway.
Simon froze too before saying, "Didn't you have a class?"
"Yeah, it—um—finished." They stared at each other for a few moments. "Is there something...wrong?"
Sighing, Simon pushed his hair out of his face. "No, it's just this book—" The convict suddenly cut himself off, internally swearing at his own stupidity.
Unaware of the blunder, Ryland said, "What was it about?"
"Trees."
"Was it something really offensive, or was it a dense read? Maybe, I could—"
"Can you back the fuck off?" Simon growled.
He instantly regretted it though as Ryland's expression shuttered.
In a softer voice, Simon said, "Fuck, sorry—I didn't mean—" What could he say to explain this? He didn't want to expose his own stupidity, but he also hated that hurt expression on his companion's face.
"It's fine: I can be a little 'all up in your face'," the teacher said with a self-deprecating smile.
Yeah, no, absolutely not. Fuck his pride. Simon pushed himself up off the couch to walk over to Ryland. Because the man was too fucking nice, he let Simon touch their foreheads together as he said, "I like you in my face. I was just being an asshole. It's not your fault."
"I have been known to bother people. It's fine."
"I like being bothered by you."
"Not about frustrating books though."
Okay, that hit a nerve, but Simon reminded himself that Ryland didn't mean anything by it. He tried to make light of it. "No one likes feeling stupid."
Ryland leaned back, a frown on his face. "You're not stupid. It's not stupid to struggle reading a difficult book."
Simon shrugged, which apparently was not the right way to get Ryland to drop the subject.
The teacher straightened up indignantly to reiterate, "You're not stupid. You're super observant and get machines intuitively. Not to mention, you've got a great memory in general. I'll bring up a tangent on something I talked about months ago, and you'll immediately pick it up like I explained it this morning!"
Blinking at Ryland, Simon realized how thoroughly he'd managed to trick the other man. Ryland actually seemed to believe that he was smart.
With determination set on his face, Ryland walked over to the laptop and opened it. "Which part was challenging? I'm sure we can figure it out together."
No. Please, just leave it alone. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"It'll be easier—"
"No, it won't!" Simon snapped. Then, he sighed, "Fuck." This was not his day. He hated himself for snapping at Ryland so much. Especially since the man was so sincere and kind. His temper was aggravated from reading all day, but that was no excuse. And now, there was no really meaningful way to explain this without exposing his weakness.
Ryland also deserved to see him for who he was.
Dragging a hand over his face, Simon said, "It's not—I don't think it's a difficult book. I'm...stupid."
"You're not—"
"I can barely read!" Simon raised his voice, defensive in the way that pre-emptive strikes were. "I've known I was stupid since I was four-years-old! You don't have to fucking patronize me!"
"Four-years-old?" Grace said in disbelief. "Who told you you were stupid when you were four?!?"
"Teachers," Simon replied tersely.
"Well, they were full of crap! Only crappy teachers insult their students!"
God, this man really was an angel. Seeing Ryland's genuine outrage drained the fight out of Simon. He sighed, leaning against the wall, and said, "They weren't wrong though. It took me twice as long to figure out letters, and words are like a puzzle to me. I practiced, but it never seems to get better."
Adjusting his glasses on his face, Ryland's gaze focused on Simon. "Did you have trouble recognizing letters? Or, connecting them to sounds? Is spelling difficult?" The questions made Simon bristle, which Ryland noticed and added, "Sorry, sorry, I'm not trying to pick on you or anything. It's just—I think you might be dyslexic."
"You think I'm what?" Simon had never heard that word before in his life.
"Dyslexic: it's a term to describe people who have a hard time processing words and letters. It's a pretty common learning disability. I always had kids with it when I taught back on Earth."
"How do you know I'm not just stupid?"
"Because, I know you, Simon. I've talked to you, and you're not stupid!" Ryland folded his arms, firm in his decision.
"Can you cure it?" Simon asked hopefully.
"No," Ryland said with something like an apologetic frown. "But, there are things that make it easier. I can change the font to comic sans. Or, I can show you how to use text-to-voice. It's kind of like the translator Rocky uses. The computer will read the book to you."
"Oh," it wasn't a perfect solution, but it was...nice to have a work around.
"I can suggest a couple more pointers I learned. I can probably also find some kind of test because Stratt downloaded everything. But," The man pointed a warning finger at Simon. "Don't you ever call yourself stupid again. There's nothing wrong with having a learning disability! I have one."
"You're dyslexic?"
"No, I have something called ADHD: attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Long story short, I have trouble focusing. Time management is also hard, and I'm sure you've noticed how easily I lose things." Simon nodded: Ryland was always placing things down and forgetting where they were. "When I was a kid, my grades were awful. I didn't struggle with the material, but I always forgot my assignments."
Huh, Simon had taken Ryland's forgetfulness as just a part of the man. He hadn't thought about how it might have affected the teacher when he was growing up. It explained why Ryland was so patient and understanding.
At least, partially. Simon also believed that Ryland was just a generous person. Eden would've eaten this man alive, and Simon was so glad that they would never get the chance.
"Come over here," Ryland demanded, holding his arms open.
The convict obediently laid himself over the other man, settling in for a cuddle. This man was really too good to him. "Sorry I yelled at you."
"It's okay. Do you want me to read this to you?"
Simon nuzzled into Ryland's sweater-covered chest. "No. Busy."
There was the sound of the laptop being put down before arms wrapped around him. A kiss was planted on the top of his head. "Do you want to hear about what the pebbles got up to?"
He gave an affirming grunt, and he relaxed as Ryland's voice washed over him.