Chapter Text
There’s something wrong with the moms at Theo’s daycare.
It’s nothing Eddie can put his finger on, but there’s just something strange about them. Something’s missing.
At first he puts it down to circumstance. This time around, he’s not the one in charge, right? That’s Buck. Eddie’s just helping out. So maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s why he feels lighter, easier, more confident when he walks through the daycare door. The pressure’s off. He’s not a father. He’s just Eddie.
Or maybe it’s because everyone knows what happened. Eddie’s brain shuts down when he tries to recall it, pulls away cleanly from that moment on the bridge when he opened the car door to –
No.
They decided not to move Theo to a new daycare. After all, the kid doesn’t need any more disruption in his life. Which means all the daycare workers and parents are aware that Connor and Kameron aren’t coming back, that Buck’s made the decision to foster. They all know the history. So that’s probably it.
Except, Eddie remembers when Shannon died. The cookies and casseroles and hands on his arm in the hallways for months afterwards. The looks. The way those looks made him feel like he was being pressed into the ground by a huge relentless thumb.
Huh. Now he comes to think of it, where the hell are all the casseroles? Do they not like Buck for some reason?
But everyone likes Buck. That’s just a fact. And it’s not like people aren’t being nice here. They’re being great. So maybe he’s making all this up. Maybe Buck’s just the one being given the casseroles and the looks. He’s the – well, not that Buck’s the dad. He’s the one in charge, so it’d make sense.
He picks up his phone.
Are you getting casseroles?
??? Buck replies. You want casserole tonight? I already started making meatloaf.
I mean from the moms
Why would I get casseroles from the moms, Eddie
Eddie shoves his phone back into his pocket, dissatisfied.
He’s waiting outside Theo’s room to pick him up, in front of a mom he’s met a couple times before. Tiana? Tamara? She smiles at him and looks back down at her own phone. Perfectly nice. But – Eddie shakes his head like he’s trying to get water out of his ears. It’s strange.
Then one of the kids spots Eddie through the glass door. He can hear her screaming out “THEO! THE MAN IS HERE FOR YOU!”
Then there’s a yell, the sound of charging feet and a THUMP as Theo’s solid little body hits the other side of the door. “EDDIE POOP!” he’s shrieking. “EDDIE POOP!!”
One of the daycare workers opens the door, and Theo hurls himself into Eddie’s arms. Eddie hoists him up over one shoulder and Theo’s screams kick up a notch. “EDDIE POOOOP!” he bellows in Eddie’s ear.
“We’ve been trying to discourage him from using that word,” says the daycare worker, Krystle, but she’s smiling.
“Have you, huh?” asks Eddie, turning his head to grin at Theo. Theo’s sticking out his tongue, eyes sparkling. He’s got marker pen all over his forehead again, and there’s tomato sauce smeared across his pants. At least, Eddie hopes it’s tomato sauce.
“YEAH. BUT I LIKE TO DO IT!!” yells Theo, so loud it makes Eddie’s ear ring.
“But he likes to do it,” says Eddie with a shrug. Krystle rolls her eyes. And damn but Eddie’s enjoying not having to be the serious parent, this time around. He gets to be fun.
And Theo and Buck both need someone fun. The truth is, Buck’s struggling. Theo still won’t fall asleep if he’s not in the room, and even so he wakes up screaming several times a night. He’s peeing the bed and refusing to eat anything apart from fries. A few days ago he jumped off a wall and needed three stitches in his arm. Calling people Poop doesn’t seem so important in that context.
“He bit three people today,” says Krystle.
“Hey! Nicely done, buddy!” says Eddie. “That’s two less than yesterday.”
“It was ACTUALLY only TWO people,” says Theo cheerfully. “I bit Daniel TWICE because he’s STINKY.”
“As you know, we don’t tolerate biting of any kind,” says Krystle. “Although we understand Theo’s circumstances –” She sighs. “We understand Theo’s circumstances,” she says again, trying to smile. “We’ll see him tomorrow. Can you and Buck make sure he’s got enough changes of underwear? We almost ran out today.”
She holds out a bag bulging with Theo’s dirty clothes. “Four accidents today,” she says.
“Better than yesterday,” Eddie says, as cheerfully as he can. “Don’t worry, we’re on it.”
“Hey, it’s all a win,” says the mom behind him. Eddie turns and grins at her, and she laughs. And there’s something – there’s still that feeling of something missing. But whatever it is, Eddie isn’t sorry to feel it go.
*
“Only three bites today,” Eddie tells Buck over FaceTime as he pulls out of the parking lot, Theo in the back seat. On the days they’re not on shift, Buck usually drops Theo off, and Eddie picks him up. The daycare’s not that far away from Chris’s school, and Chris has been surprisingly enthusiastic about Theo.
“I BIT DANIEL TWICE!” yells Theo. Eddie glances in the rearview mirror and sees him fighting with his car seat restraints again. It’s the second model they’ve tried, and he’s starting to get worried Theo’s going to work out this one too.
“I mean, Daniel does suck,” mouths Buck, and Eddie snorts.
“Gonna pick up Chris from practice and then head home,” he says. “With you in an hour, okay? Need anything?”
Buck shakes his head. Even through the phone screen he looks tired. Eddie’s getting worried about him. Picking up Theo’s the least he can do. He decides not to say anything about the daycare, or about the moms. The more he lets it spin through his brain – yeah, it’s nothing. It’s nothing he wants to think about, anyway.
When Eddie was a kid, he worked out that God could hear his thoughts. Even if he didn’t ask for candy or a toy truck out loud, God still knew what he wanted. God could read the inside of his brain. He knew what Eddie was going to do as soon as he thought it. God knew everything.
So Eddie decided to know nothing.
If he wanted something he wasn’t supposed to have, and he let himself imagine it, it was game over. The sin existed and the punishment was about to follow. Might as well give up and face it like a man.
But if he emptied himself out, if he just floated from the living room to the kitchen, climbed up to balance on the countertop, stretched out his hand to the top of the refrigerator, let his fingers touch the box of cookies, pushed it open, swooped inside, brought his hand to his mouth? If each step was a surprise? Then the sin never came into focus. Then it never happened at all.
He never planned to drive the car, he never planned to have sex (no condom, God, see!), he never planned to sign up, to leave, it just happened to him, outside him, while in the middle of his heart was a hollow space, cupped hands, nothing but light and all the things he didn’t want to think about.
Not thinking makes everything easier. So Eddie doesn’t think.
*
Saturday morning and Eddie’s in that special circle of hell reserved for young children’s birthday parties.
Buck was going to bring Theo, but Eddie woke up to a string of messages that started at 4:28am and involved several selfies of Buck looking so pale he was almost see-through. Before he could even think about it, Eddie was offering to come over.
It’s inconvenient, on mornings like these, that they live so far apart. Sure, it’s just twenty minutes, but they’re LA traffic twenty minutes, and that really adds up.
Anyway, Eddie threw on some clothes, left a note for Chris, swung by Buck’s to pick up Theo and now he’s here. Buck, presumably, has gone back to sleep.
Eddie was vague on who this party was for before they arrived, but it turns out to be one of Theo’s friends from daycare. Theo has a lot of friends. He’s got Buck’s knack for being effortlessly, immediately charming, and he’s also pretty funny by four-year-old standards. The kid’s a huge hit, basically.
The parents of the birthday girl have gone all out. The yard’s strung with rainbow streamers, there’s a multi-colored bounce house set up and there’s a children’s entertainer making balloon animals for a baying crowd of four year olds.
Theo vanishes into the fray while Eddie hangs back by the adults’ catering table, glancing around to see if he knows anyone here. He can’t spot any familiar faces. For obvious reasons, Buck’s the one who’s part of all the parent groups. That’s one part of the little kid experience that Eddie definitely doesn’t miss.
There are a lot of half-empty bottles on the table already, and a mom Eddie hasn’t met before is topping up her glass. Eddie reaches for a La Croix right as she’s putting back the bottle of Chardonnay, and their hands almost touch. She laughs up at him, eyes wide.
“You sure you don’t want something harder?” she asks.
“Ah, no, I’m on kid duty,” says Eddie, stepping backwards automatically. He feels suddenly nervous for reasons he can’t parse. “I think I’ve got about five minutes before Theo breaks through the fence or starts drawing on the bounce house.”
Recognition dawns. “Oh! You’re Theo’s – uh –”
“I’m Eddie. Buck’s his – uh – Buck’s fostering him.”
It’s still weird, trying to work out what Buck is to Theo. They’ve settled on Theo just calling him Buck, for now. Eddie wanted to be Tio Eddie, but there’s something uncomfortably familial about that under the circumstances, plus Buck pointed out that Chris never called him Uncle Buck. So. Buck and Eddie it is.
The woman’s smile changes. She takes a step back, considering him, and there’s that lack in her eyes again. Eddie feels it like a sudden loss of pressure in his ears. His chest loosens. What the hell is it? She’s still friendly, but – it’s not like it was before. Or maybe he’s just imagining things. “Oh, yeah,” she says. “Of course. I’m Vanessa, by the way. I’m so sorry about – well, you know. You must hear that all the time. Ignore me. But it’s so sweet, what you two are doing. Really brave of you. He’s a tough kid.”
“He’s a great kid,” says Eddie firmly. “Buck’s lucky to have him.”
Vanessa nods, takes a drink from her cup. “And it must be nice for you guys, that Theo’s close to Skyler. I mean, Andy and Jorge had such a mission to get her, you know. Two placements fell through. I know how lucky they feel. So you two – I mean, you can compare notes!”
She waves around at the bright garden, the rainbow birthday cake with SKYLER IS FOUR! piped on it in purple icing. Eddie nods politely. Hen warned him about this.
“As soon as you start fostering, everyone who’s ever heard of anyone who fostered is going to be up in your business,” she’d told him. “And some of them will give you life-changing advice, and some of them will talk total shit. Despite what they say, it’s up to you to decide what’s helpful and what you can ignore.” He assumes she’s said the same to Buck.
“So, when did you and Buck meet?” she asks.
“At work,” says Eddie, smiling. “My first shift, actually.”
“Oh my god, says Vanessa, “you’re a firefighter too? I’m such an idiot, of course you are. Look at you!”
And for a second, it’s back. That too-tight uncomfortable feeling. That’s what – don’t think about it don’t think – and then it’s gone, and Vanessa’s still talking.
“Is it tough for you two, working together?”
“It’s hard to leave Theo,” says Eddie, shrugging. “But – no. We’ve always been together.”
Vanessa sighs. “Wow,” she says. “I’m in software management, and my husband’s in finance. Some days I can’t get out of the house fast enough in the mornings to get a break from him, you know? I mean, no, you don’t know. Obviously!”
Something’s happening to Eddie’s breathing. Maybe that feeling he had before has gone, but it’s been replaced by – no, don’t think about it. Don’t think. He’s calm, he’s peaceful, he’s nothing. He turns his head to notice that a furious argument has broken out in the bounce house. He can see Theo in there, wrestling with a little girl wearing fairy wings. A reason to escape. Not that he needs one! But he’s got a job to do.
“Sorry, I gotta go,” he says, and sprints away as fast as he can. Theo is now hitting her over the head with what looks like a fairy wand. It definitely should not be in the bounce house, and Eddie wants to complain about parents ignoring health and safety, but his best friend’s kid is currently the one breaking the rules. So.
“GIVE IT BACK!” Theo’s yelling. “GIVE! IT! BACK!”
“IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!” screams the little girl, whacking Theo on the shoulder.
Great. Of course this is the birthday girl.
“Theo, stop it,” pants Eddie. “Give it back.”
He’s dimly aware that there’s another parent next to him, a man with pink shorts and a moustache shot through with silver.
“Skyler!” this guy’s saying. “Skyler! Honey! What have we said about hitting!”
“HE WASN’T SHARING!” screams the little girl.
“SHE TOOK MY FIRE TRUCK!” screams Theo.
Eddie and the dad look at each other.
“Out,” they both say together.
Skyler and Theo stand sulkily at the bounce house entrance. The fire truck – one that Buck gave Theo a few weeks ago – has been handed back, as has the wand.
“Theo, you need to say sorry,” says Eddie. “It’s her birthday.”
“But I’m not sorry,” says Theo thoughtfully. “Are you sorry?” he asks Skyler.
“Nope,” says Skyler. “Do you want to see my toy dinosaur? It has real teeth.”
“COOL,” says Theo, and they grab hands and run away together.
Eddie and the dad look at each other again and sigh.
“Uh, sorry about that,” says the dad, wiping his hand across his brow. “I think I’ve aged ten years in the last three. I’m Andy, by the way.”
“I know the feeling,” says Eddie. “I’m Eddie.”
“Oh yeah! Buck’s partner. Great to meet you. Buck okay?”
“At home,” says Eddie peacefully. “Theo’s been having trouble sleeping.”
“Man, I know all about that. Skyler couldn’t go to sleep on her own for months after we got her. J and I switched off nights, otherwise I think I’d have died. You get it. Hey, Jorge’s been saying we should all get together some time – maybe lunch next month? There’s a fantastic new spot that’s just opened up by us.”
“Oh yeah,” says Eddie, concentrating on his breathing. “Sure, that sounds great. Sorry, I think Theo –”
And he’s off again. He can react. That’s easy. There’s a big blank space at the center of him, and it feels great. He can jump the fence to pick up the shoes Theo threw over, and he can make sure Theo doesn’t pour orange juice in the fish bowl and he can get Theo to spit the balloon out of his mouth and he can apologise for the wall covered in marker pen and he can – shit – run to stand beneath Theo as he dangles from the very top of one of the trees in the yard, looking thrilled and terrified as the branches wobble.
Everyone turns to look, and just as Theo leaps down into Eddie’s outstretched arms Vanessa says,
“Eddie, your partner’s here!”
Eddie swings around, Theo clinging to him like a monkey, to see Buck standing there staring at him. And it feels, nonsensically, like he’s just gotten away with something. Except that nothing’s happened at all.