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Inej
Inej padded up the formal front steps of the Van Eck Mansion. It was late and she was exhausted after a long day preparing for the impending departure of The Wraith. Supply lists and trade routes swirled in her head. Her stomach was knotted with worry that she was woefully unprepared for her first journey at sea as the captain of her own ship.
Still, as she neared the front door she was distracted by the sound of a raucous party filtering out from the house. She pushed the door open and was immediately assaulted by a pungent, smoky smell and peals of laughter echoing through the empty front hall. She coughed into her arm as the sickeningly sweet odor hit her lungs and made her way to the doorway of the formal dining room. Her typically silent approach went unnoticed for several moments while she took in the confusing scene before her.
The table was laid with the remnants of an extravagant dinner and wine goblets and whiskey tumblers crowded the rest of it. Various members of the Dregs, a dozen at least, were seated up and down both sides of the long table. Anika was sitting on Pim’s lap, her head thrown back in laughter. Jesper stood across from her doing a very loud and very bad impression of Per Haskell as best as she could tell. Wylan was seated just inside the door, his back to Inej, feet on the table, booing at Jesper good-naturedly and throwing bread rolls at him.
But what caught her attention and held it was the figure seated at the far end of the table. Kaz Brekker was watching Jesper’s act and appeared to be… could it be… laughing? He was slouched forward with his gloved hand resting on the top of his cane, his mouth pressed on top of that so it was impossible to tell for sure. But his eyes were creased with laugh lines, his shoulders were shaking and he was clearly enjoying himself. Inej couldn’t believe it.
As if sensing her incredulous stare, Kaz shifted his gaze to her. He lifted his head off his cane and while his mouth wasn’t smiling there was a relaxed and jovial quality about his whole face that she had never seen before. His coat was off, his tie hung loose about his neck and yet, he still appeared impeccably put together. They held each others gaze for what felt like minutes.
Finally Jesper noticed her standing in the doorway and stopped his one man show. “There she is!” he yelled. “The girl of the hour!”
Wylan leapt out of his seat and ushered her into the room. “We’re having a send-off party for you before you head out on your crusade.”
“Looks like you got started without me,” she quipped.
Wylan looked sheepishly at the remnants of food and drink scattered across the table. “We got a little hungry waiting, I guess.” He murmured and then broke into gleeful giggles. Inej didn’t get the joke but everyone else seemed to as the quiet that had accompanied her entrance shattered into laughter again.
“Get into your father’s whiskey stash?” she asked, slightly annoyed.
“Something like that” said Jesper as he tried to stifle his laughter. “Let me get you a drink.”
“Allow me.” Kaz had come up beside her and offered her his arm. Dazedly she took it and he guided her over to the banquet that lined one long wall of the room. She tried to make sense of the strange behavior as he poured a tumbler of amber liquid for her. The rest of the room focused its attention back to the antics around the table that seemed to include some arm wrestling and more throwing of food.
“Everyone seems rather happy tonight and,” she paused, “what is that smell?”
Kaz glanced around as if just realizing that there might be odd behavior and an odd odor in the room. “Oh, I heard Wylan had a run-in with some overly excitable chemicals this afternoon. Apparently he nearly blew the lid off his laboratory.”
Wylan had converted one of the lesser ballrooms on the main floor into his own personal chemistry experiments lab. While he’d already proven his expertise in fireworks and small explosives, he had focused his creativity and newly acquired spare time on more complicated concoctions of late. She glanced over at her young host. If he had blown up his lab he seemed utterly unconcerned about it.
Inej leaned back against the countertop and cradled her drink in both hands. Kaz settled in to face the room with her, his shoulder pressed against hers. She was aware that he was watching her intently but his uncharacteristic casual demeanor made her uneasy. Things had been incrementally warming up between them since that day he’d surprised her with The Wraith but tonight felt like new territory altogether.
They’d both been making steady progress with their inhibitions. Kaz hardly ever wore his gloves when it was just the two of them, now. The hand holding had progressed to other casual touches - brushing the hair off his brow, a hand placed gently on her waist. Her newly acquired freedom and her role as captain not just of her own ship but of her own fate had given her a fresh confidence. Her usual hesitations had started to recede when the power to choose was hers. And she chose him.
“So, how are the preparations going, Captain Ghafa?”
She exhaled loudly. She was relieved to be keeping to safe territory conversation-wise but sorry to be reminded of her worries. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I know we are plenty prepared. This is only a scouting mission after all. But sometimes I feel like an imposter. I’m still learning how to chart a course and rig a sail. How am I supposed to captain a ship?”
“You hire the right people and then get out of the way and let them do their job. A very wise person taught me that not long ago.”
She smiled. He was right. Specht had helped her find a more than adequate crew of seasoned sailors. Her worries that her lack of experience would equate to a lack of respect from her crew were quickly dissipated when Specht had let slip that she was part of the notorious Kaz Brekker’s inner circle and that she’d been consulting with Sturmhond. Her display of knife-wielding skills when one of them had made a crude remark at her expense hadn’t hurt her reputation either.
“What are you going to be up to while I’m gone?”
“The usual. Fleecing tourists, swindling merchants, gathering more riches. I think Roeder is almost ready to replace you as my spider. He’s getting better at scaling the roofs but his recitation of Suli proverbs is still not quite there yet. Then again, he required much less capital up front. He may turn out to be a better investment in the long run.”
She bristled at his teasing. She knew he was joking but it stung just the same. Why couldn’t he admit that he’d miss her? Why did it seem that every compliment he uttered would be followed by ten cutting quips? It was like kindness cost him and he charged for it with interest. She understood his need to keep his Dirtyhands reputation in tact with most everyone else, it was just frustrating when he pulled it out for her. She set her glass down and took a step toward the table, sick of the game. He swiftly crossed in front of her, blocking her path.
“Wait.” He paused and seemed to be searching for words. In his gravelly tone he finally said, “I’m sorry, Inej, old habits die hard.” He blew a frustrated breath through his nose. “We both know I’m going to be lost when you leave.”
That was what she had hoped for. More even. He was standing so close she could hear his quick breaths. She wondered if he could hear her heart pounding in her chest. “Then why did you buy me the ship?”
He leaned in even closer but averted his gaze down to the floor. “I’m sure the Suli must have a proverb about this. The Kerch one involves a bird in a cage.”
She knew that one. “If you love something, set it free.”
“Exactly.” He flicked his eyes up to hers.
Inej let the words settle around her, savoring his admission. It was time to allow one of her own. She pulled back her right sleeve, showing him the tattoo that was still healing on the inside of her arm just below the elbow. She heard him catch his breath.
“The crow and cup,” he searched her face. “Why now?” It was customary for every member of the Dregs to get the tattoo to prove their loyalty and to show rivals that they were protected by the gang. Kaz had never forced one on her, one of his first kindnesses back when she had known so few.
“To remind me of home when I’m away.”
He tilted his head slightly. “Ketterdam?” He sounded surprised.
“For the Suli, home isn’t a place, it’s the people.”
“Us?” he queried, the flick of his eyes indicating the whole of the room.
“You, Kaz.”
They looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment. Before she knew what she was doing she allowed her gaze to drop to his lips for a heartbeat. She raised her eyes back to his and then shifted them ever so slightly toward the door. He paused, then lifted his chin an almost imperceptible amount. Their unspoken language allowing them to say all the things they might never have the nerve to say out loud.
She pulled her sleeve down, casually glanced around the room to see if anyone else was paying attention, and walked silently toward the doorway. She didn’t have to look over her shoulder to know that Kaz would follow in a minute or so when he was safe from drawing attention. Inej crossed the central hall and made her way up the staircase, her heart hammering in her chest.
She paused at the top and watched as he emerged from the dining room, cast his eyes around the hall until he found her looking down on him. He smiled in a way she’d never seen before and then bounded across the large, empty hall and up the stairs, his cane barely touching the ground. She didn’t wait for him but hurried toward her bedroom, just a few doors down. She left the door ajar and breathlessly started to cross to the far wall. She wasn’t sure what she was doing or what might come next but the thought of standing idly and waiting for him was out of the question.
She heard him enter as she was about halfway across the room. She turned to face him while reaching out for one of the posts at the foot of her canopied bed to steady her heart. She felt as if she’d just scaled a fifty foot cliff and was standing right on its edge.
Kaz quietly closed the door and leaned his cane against the wall. The act seemed to break his momentum and his smile had disappeared. He glanced around the room then rather deliberately caught her eye. He crossed to her slowly and gently took her hands in his. He ran his leather clad thumbs over her knuckles.
“Will you help me with these?” he asked, his raspy voice barely above a whisper. He held his gloved hands up in the small space between them, palms in. Startled, she looked up at his face. He looked back at her with a half smile and dancing eyes. She took one of his hands in both of hers and placed her fingers on the small button at the inside of his wrist. His smile vanished when her fingers brushed the tender skin but he didn’t pull away. She heard his breathing intensify as she released the button and peeled the glove off his hand. She waited to test his reaction for a moment before she placed the black leather on the bed beside her and reached for his other hand.
When both his hands were free he raised one to her face. He cupped her jaw in his palm and ran his thumb first across her cheekbone and then ever so lightly across her lips. Cautiously she pressed closer to him and tilted her head up toward his. She waited for him to shudder and retreat and it almost seemed like he was waiting for the same. After a long moment with no suggestion of his usual involuntary repulsion he smiled down at her. He tilted his head down to hers and kissed her, gently at first. She felt her eyes dilate, her knees go wobbly and her lips part under his. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her firmly to him, and deepened the kiss. A small sound escaped from her throat and she reached her hands up to the back of his neck.
As her fingers began to caress his skin there his shoulders rose and he broke the kiss. He pulled away abruptly, and nearly staggered to the edge of the bed. He sat, his head bowed, his breathing ragged, his fists clenched on his knees.
“Kaz,” she whispered.
He looked up at her with a look of desperation on his face. She knew he was worried that he’d never get past his demons, whatever they were. A voice in her head warned her to let it go for now and count the steps they’d made as success, but the rest of her wanted more. His armor was slipping away and she feared that when she returned in a few weeks it would be right back where it always was. Her own armor felt thin tonight, too. Her usual reservations stripped away after that kiss.
She was aware that the last thing he would want was pity so she smiled down at him and backed a few steps away. If she could keep him completely focused on the present, perhaps they could keep the nightmares from his past at bay. Keeping her eyes on him she unbuttoned her tunic and let it fall to the floor. She slipped off her leather slippers and unfastened her breeches. When she was without a stitch of clothing she stood before him, feeling like this was the bravest thing she’d ever done in her life. It left her completely vulnerable, an invitation but also a challenge. He knew this wasn’t easy for her either and if she could be this brave he’d have try. She hoped. She was half convinced he’d dart for the door any moment.
Instead he reached out with one hand and brushed his fingers along her side. Starting at her rib cage he caressed the skin down her waist to the side of her hip, his eyes studying the movement. He looked back up at her and she saw his expression shift from awe to resolve. He continued his hand down her leg, hooked it behind her knee and pulled it to his hip. He then placed his hands on her waist and lifted her to his lap so that she sat, straddling him. He buried his head in her neck, kissing her skin while his hands explored her back, her waist, her breasts. While she longed to return his caresses, she confined herself to running her fingers through his hair, still wary of his demons.
He stood and lifted her with him, turned to the bed and laid her gently on her back. She heard the sounds of him undressing and a moment later he was laying beside her. He began to kiss her again and then murmured, “Don’t close your eyes”. And so they held each others gaze as their bodies moved together.
She woke as the sun was just hinting at rising over the edge of Ketterdam. She could barely make out the spires of distant churches, black against a slightly paler sky. She turned away from the window and studied the boy sleeping next to her. She’d spent the night in close quarters with him countless times but this was the first time she’d seen him in a deep sleep. He lay on his side facing her, his pale, graceful hands curled in front of him. He looked so young.
I love him, she thought. She allowed the feeling she’d stifled for years to swell inside of her like a bubble in her chest. It felt fragile and yet it pushed against her lungs making it hard for her to breathe, pushed against her heart making it stutter, pushed against the back of her throat as if she were about to cry. It was crazy she knew. He was the Bastard of the Barrel. Dirtyhands. She knew everything he was capable of and seen most of it first hand. And yet, here he was. Just a boy without his armor, as she had asked him to be.
She couldn’t figure out how they had gotten to this point so fast. So fast, she scoffed. She’d worked side by side with him for two years. They’d saved each others lives countless times, shared an unspoken language. Still she couldn’t figure out what had changed last night that had allowed for them to cross the line they’d been toeing for so long.
She was tempted to wake him but instead decided to slip downstairs and get a quick bite to eat. She still had a lot to do that day, including taking a bath while she had access to hot water and a tub. Perhaps he would wake on his own by the time she came back. Maybe he could be convinced to join her in the tub.
When she got to the dining room she found it in the same state as the night before, minus the people. She wondered where the staff was but guessed Wylan had let them have the day off. She heard clanking in the kitchen so she headed for that door, picking up Kaz’s coat from the back of a chair on the way. She knew he’d want it on before he came downstairs.
The kitchen was almost as big a mess as the dining room and the only one present was Jesper. He grinned at her from in front of the stove as she entered.
“I didn't know you cooked,” she said as she came closer to peer into the pan.
“I used to cook for my da and myself all the time. I miss it. Look at this,” Jesper said as he opened the oven door. A large tray of biscuits were starting to brown and the smell made her stomach growl.
“Where’s the cook?” she asked.
“Probably sleeping it off like everyone else.”
“You guys all certainly tied one on last night. I haven’t seen everyone that drunk in…ever maybe.”
“Oh, it wasn’t the drink. Whatever Wylan cooked up in his lab had some tremendously fun side effects.”
“What do you mean?”
“Wylan’s smoke bomb? He’s been working for weeks on it. He’s trying to perfect a concoction that would dull the senses, make people more relaxed but without knocking them out.”
“Why would he want to do that?”
“Make us all Wraiths,” he said matter of factly. “With you heading out on your ship for weeks at a time we need to replace you on the team and Roeder isn’t half as stealthy as you. If we can’t get our skill level up to where yours is, we have to lower the standards of the enemy.”
“Wait. I don’t understand.”
“Okay, picture this. We roll a little lit ball of this stuff into a guardhouse say, or some merch’s mansion. We wait a few minutes for it to take effect, then slip in like you, unnoticed and unchallenged. We get the goods or the information or whatever we are after. The guards act silly for a little while but don’t realize anything is going down at the time and are none the wiser even after they sober up. Brilliant really. Unfortunately his latest experiment got away from him. The jurda root reacted with the sodium something-something. Blew up half his lab and the resulting smoke,” he paused and smiled meaningfully at her, “whoo, had quite the effect on all of us. Bye bye inhibitions, if you know what I mean.”
Inej’s mouth went dry. “Are you saying you were all drugged?”
“Seems so. I didn’t realize it last night but this headache and the uh… things that happened would suggest it’s true. Wylan has some hidden… ”
“Even Kaz?” She interrupted.
“Especially Kaz. Did you see him? The man was laughing. Laughing! Saints, I’ve never seen him let his guard down like that. I don’t know what he’s going to be like today. He’s either going to be angry or mortified and therefore also angry. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of us. I plan to stay well out of his way for a day or two.” He chuckled as he turned to pull the biscuits from the oven.
“Oh my saints,” she whispered, placing both hands on the counter and dropping her chin down to her chest. No wonder Kaz had been able to drop his armor. How had she not realized? Her head was spinning with the implications. Would he be mortified at what they had done together? Would he be angry that she took advantage of his guard being down? Would she ever be able to look him in the eye again?
“I wonder where he ended up last night.” Jesper turned back toward her and saw her distress. “What’s wrong? Why do…” he paused and she saw the realization spread across his face. “Did you two…? Wow. Um. Wow.” He tried to hide his smile and surprise as she looked at him, her eyes wide with panic. “No, that’s great…I mean it’s about time, right? You two have been mooning over each other for weeks.”
“I didn’t know he was drugged!” she barked at him. “I have to go.” She bolted toward the door.
“Inej wait! Don’t leave now. You guys can work this out.” Jesper called after her. When she didn’t stop he switched tactics to one she supposed was closer to the truth. “If you leave like this he’ll be impossible.”
She slipped back into her room silently and saw that Kaz was still sound asleep. She thanked her saints and quickly packed her bag with everything she owned. While she had spent some of her newly acquired riches on clothing for her journey, her worldly possessions still fit easily on her back. Except my ship, she remembered. Thank the saints for my ship.
She padded down the stairs and out of the mansion without seeing anyone else. She paused momentarily at the gate and looked back at the dark window on the second floor that had been her bedroom. While she’d left none of her possessions there, she knew a part of her heart was still in that bed. A part she may never get back.
Kaz
Kaz gloomily paced up and down the weathered boards of the pier. His gloved hand gripped his cane tightly, stabbing at the wood with every other step. Jesper and Wylan leaned back against a railing, watching.
“Why are we here again?” Asked Wylan. “Her ship hasn’t even cleared the bar. She won’t be docking for an hour at least.”
“I think we are avoiding run-ins with any members of the Black Tips until our demjin here decides if we are actually going to fight them.”
“And why would we want to do that?”
“Oh, we most definitely do NOT want to do that. It’s just that some people,” Jesper raised his eyebrows in the direction of Kaz, “have had a chip on their shoulder for the past few weeks and can’t seem to play nicely with others.”
Kaz spun on his heel at the end of the dock and paced back the other way. He raised his eyebrows grimly at Jesper as he passed by but didn’t deny the charges.
It was unfortunately pretty close to the truth. He’d let some petty squabbles over a business deal get out of hand and now they were facing an actual gang battle between the Dregs and the Black Tips. It was a stupid show of bravado that was sure to get a lot of barrel rats killed on both sides. He’d figure out a way to make peace and keep both their reputations in tact soon. He just couldn’t seem to concentrate on the fragile egos of his foes for very long these days. Perhaps once he had it out with Inej he could focus back on his work.
The Wraith finally docked and the three waited as it was tied off and prepped for disembarkment. The gangplank was lowered and most of the crew made its way on shore. When Inej didn’t appear, Kaz headed up the gangplank himself. “No mourners,” Jesper called out to him as he was halfway up.
Kaz just shook his head and continued on, refusing to acknowledge the joke. He wasn’t setting off on a dangerous mission. Or was he. “No funerals,” he muttered under his breath and tucked his gloves in his pocket.
It was just Inej and Specht that remained on the main deck when he reached the top of the gangplank. They each had a handle of a large wooden trunk that they were dragging toward the wall of the captain’s cabin. Neither saw Kaz arrive. “You can head ashore,” she was saying to Specht. “I’ll stay on board and keep watch until morning. Make sure Myles is back here by 8 bells for his shift.” They finished sliding the trunk into place and turned in unison to see Kaz standing there.
“I think I might just do that, Captain.” Specht said. He tipped his hat to Kaz and made his way down the gangplank.
They stood in silence facing each other until he was well on shore. “This captain gig suits you it seems.” Kaz said to break the silence, attempting a light hearted tone. He wasn’t sure he pulled it off at all.
“Thanks,” she replied seriously. He couldn’t read her face.
“I brought some waffles. They’re a bit cold now I guess. You probably don’t want them.” He silently berated himself. Why was he talking like some nervous schoolboy?
She squinted back at him with a quizzical look on her face. The late afternoon sun was in her eyes and it made the deck uncomfortably hot. He saw her focus on his bare hands for a moment and then she said, “Do you want to come in? Get out of the sun for a bit?” gesturing at the cabin door.
He nodded. She took the greasy bag of waffles from him and led him through the door. The cabin was small and sparsely furnished but comfortably worn in all the right places. She set the bag on a long table that was otherwise covered in various maps and leaned back against it.
Kaz settled against a desk adjacent to the door, hanging his cane on the edge next to his hip. “I was relieved to see your sails enter the harbor today. You are a week past due.”
“We ended up quite a bit further south than we had originally intended, following rumors of a slave ship.”
“I thought maybe you were avoiding.…Ketterdam.” She didn’t answer. “Were you successful with the slavers?”
“Not completely, but I have a better idea of their routes and where we might best intercept them the next time we head out.”
“When will that be?” he asked, trying to sound casual.
“Soon.”
Silence again enveloped them, agitating Kaz’s nerves. He was out of small talk.
He let a long breath through his lips, wiped his brow with his wrist and dove in. “Inej, about the night you left…about what happened between us. I.. I wasn’t myself.” He wasn’t looking directly at her while he spoke but he noticed her turn away from him, her head bowed. His self hatred spiked to a new all-time high. “Whatever was in that smoke… I know it’s no excuse. It’s been eating at me relentlessly since you left. If I hurt you, if I coerced you into something you didn’t want, I’ll never forgive myself. I’m so sorry.”
He waited, his arms wrapped tightly around himself and tried to make out what she was feeling by the curve of her back. “Please say something. Let me have it. You can’t say anything worse than I’ve already said to myself a hundred times.”
She shook her head and turned back toward him. “Hurt me?” she asked, sounding incredulous. “What do you mean? Do you not remember what happened?”
Oh saints, could it be worse than he imagined? “Bits and pieces. It’s all a haze. I remember…I remember everyone laughing in the dining room but you were serious. I remember the look on your face when I entered your bedroom. You looked…you looked scared.” He swallowed hard. ”I remember telling you not to close your eyes.” This last bit he could barely say out loud. He couldn’t even keep his eyes open the shame was so intense.
He opened them when he felt her hand brush his arm. “Kaz, you didn’t hurt me. At all. I wanted what happened that night as much as you did, and I hadn’t been drugged.”
Kaz heard her words but was afraid to believe them. The relief they would offer was almost too much to bear. “I didn’t…”
“No! I’m sorry you don’t remember what happened and I’m sorry you’ve been beating yourself up about it but I assure you it was consensual. And, lovely really.” She said, almost blushing.
“Then why did you leave so suddenly? You left Wylan’s before I woke up and you left port hours before you were scheduled to.”
“I talked to Jesper the next morning. He told me you’d all been drugged. I hadn’t known, Kaz, I swear. I’d said on the Ferolind I wanted you without your armor and I was so happy when you let it fall for me. But after I talked to Jesper it felt tainted, like I tricked you or took advantage. I was afraid you’d wake up and regret it all and I couldn’t face that.”
He had no words to express his relief. He uncrossed his arms and closed the space between them. He wrapped his arms around her waist and bent his forehead to her shoulder. He felt her relax into him and they held each other a long, long time.
Eventually he murmured, “So go back to that part where you said it was lovely.”
She laughed lightly. “I can’t believe you don’t remember.”
“You could remind me.”
“Do you remember this?” She pulled back her sleeve to show him the crow and cup tattoo, now completely healed.
He ran his fingers across it, an act that was so much easier now. The tattoo was incredibly more elaborate and beautiful than the crude and splotchy ones that marked the rest of the Dregs. Every feather on the crow was intricately detailed. The cup was made of six overlapping knives and there was a band with symbols around the rim. A wolf, a heart, a revolver, a flute. The crow itself looked straight out, a gleam in it’s eye and Kaz couldn’t suppress his smile when he saw a cane subtly tucked under it’s wing. “To remind you of home.”
“You do remember.”
“It’s coming back to me.” The memories were there, he’d just been blocking them so adamantly since she left. Every time his mind had drifted to thoughts of her smooth skin, her parted lips, he’d stifled them. He was terrified of what he’d remember, and was sure he didn’t deserve to relish in the tantalizing images.
He turned his head to the side, concentrating as he let the memories flow and was rewarded with an image of Inej removing her tunic, her gaze steady on him. He nodded gravely and turned his face back to hers.
“What do you remember, now?” she queried.
“Plenty, you little vixen.” He lifted her off her feet, wrapping her legs around his back.
She threw her head back and laughed.
His heart leapt in his chest. “I could get drunk on that laugh.”
She smiled down at him. “Did Kaz Brekker just say something charming?”
“Reitveld,” he corrected. Her expression changed to puzzlement. “My real name is Kaz Reitveld.”
She looked at him so seriously for a long moment. Then, she unwrapped her legs, slid down and turned toward the door.
“Where are you going?” He panicked. Had he said something wrong?
She smiled back at him. “I’m going to go pull up the gangplank. We have a long night ahead of us, getting reacquainted. I don’t want to be interrupted.”