Chapter Text
I didn’t know what I was going to do with this kid. He was driving me insane. How could he jump into violence head-first just like that? How stupid could he be? I was not worth all that. Oh Taejoon was proof of that. I won’t deny it. Him refusing to even acknowledge my presence when his minions were being disgusting hurt like a bitch. I thought I was used to it. I thought nothing could hurt me anymore after hiding who I was for so long but apparently some pieces of my heart were still tender to the touch.
What hurt was that Taejoon was not that different from me but the roster of girls he kept parading like prizes for the world to see made a perfect cover for what he did in the dark. What we sometimes did in the dark.
It had happened a few other times over the years. At first, I tried one of the apps but the guy had lied about his age, ended up being 10 years older than me and when I refused to comply with his “wishes” he got violent. I had to walk around with a blue eye for 2 weeks and never again did I muster the courage to fool around with strangers.
I didn’t know anyone openly gay at school and given how vile some of these guys were to me on a regular basis, I doubted that anyone would want to be associated with me. So Taejoon had been a quick fix, a convenient way to relieve myself, someone who would never tell for if he did he’d fuck it up for himself in the process.
There were no feelings involved and besides, I’d be leaving this hellhole soon enough for college.
It still didn’t make it okay for him to just stand there, cold and uncaring, while his friends were calling me slurs. And what right did he have to hurt Jo?
I stared at Joseph now who was lying on the hospital bed, fresh new stitches running down the corner of his brow. His cheek was swelling and the scar on his brow would probably linger but other than that the nurse said he was fine.
“You are insane, you know that?” I asked him, arms crossed over my chest as I tried to have a slight air of authority about me. It never really worked with him.
He frowned at me then winced because the motion stretched his stitches. “What did you expect me to do? Stand there like an idiot while they were calling you—“ he was trying to control his mouth but he was fuming already. “All sorts of things.”
I raised a brow at him. “Do I look like I need your protection?”
Joseph full-on glared at me now, his blue eyes burning bright with anger. “Who said I need your permission for that?”
I groaned, rubbing the space between my eyebrows. “Ross will be here soon, I called him earlier.”
“Why? I can go home on my own.” He pouted and I had to keep myself from pinching his cheeks in the process.
“Nobody asked you.”
I was still angry at him and he had to realize that what he did was rush and incredibly foolish.
I gripped his chin softly so our gazes could meet. “You’re not that kind of person, okay Jo? You’re not violent. I don’t want to see you like that again, got it?”
Jo was silent for a bit, his lower lip pushed out in protest before those puppy eyes lingered on mine as he rested his cheek against my hand. “And I don’t want anyone talking to you like that, got it?”
My heart thumped against my chest for some odd reason. He had a way with words sometimes that tended to leave me dumbstruck.
I did not have the chance to add something else because Ross was already bursting inside the hospital room, cackling at the sight of his older brother. “My god, you look so ugly!!” He howled at Jo.
He was only one year younger than Joseph. They had the same turquoise eyes, the same easy-going mannerisms but Jo was sweeter and more handsome whereas Ross had a mean little mouth and a short temper.
”Ugh, hyung, get him out of here!” Jo begged, covering his face with the blanket.
“You are so stupid bro, mom is going to kill you when she sees you.” Ross cackled and seated himself on the chair near the bed. “What even happened to you?”
”I don’t want to talk about it.” Jo sulked under the covers.
”Wait, let me guess. Was it about some chick or something?”
”Shut up, for god’s sake. My head hurts.”
They went back and forth like that until the nurse informed us that Jo could finally go home. I followed them down the neighbourhood until a certain point so I could make sure Jamie or Yangji were not lurking anywhere.
”You should’ve just slept over.” Jo grumbled when we finally parted after the mess of a night we’d just had.
And maybe I really should have. Taejoon was waiting for me outside the building, head hanging low, a cigarette burning in his mouth. The skin around one of his eyes was turning black and blue. Joseph really did not know how to hold back.
”I don’t have time for this,” I said and walked ahead, determined to ignore whatever shitty excuse he’d come up with.
”He fucking started it. What, did you expect me to let him beat the guys up?”
His mouth was forming almost the exact same words Jo had said to me merely an hour earlier yet the accusation in his voice, the anger was so different- it seemed to be directed at me rather than at the actual culprits.
”You didn’t find a problem with them calling me all sorts of shit but you draw the line at Joseph beating those bums up? Also, he started it?” I scoffed. “Don’t make me laugh.”
He grabbed my arm and slammed me against the wall. My eyes fell shut against the sudden force of the impact. He’d been fighting for as long as I could remember, of course he could overpower me if he wanted to and he liked having that sense of superiority over me.
”Why the fuck do you care more about that kid than me, huh? He can’t even fuck you like I can.” He was staring straight into my soul and the rush of anger in his eyes, the rage framing his face scared me.
“Why does it always have to be about you? I am the one being called a fag while you stand there with your pretty little girlfriend and suddenly you are the victim? Get off me!” I groaned and pushed away from me.
”I thought you didn’t want me to say anything. If I did, they’d know about us,” he said and his voice sounded almost apologetic but his mouth could not utter a simple apology.
”There is no us, never was. This has always been a mistake. I was stupid enough to entertain it. It’s over now.”
“It’s over because you say so? Yeah, it doesn’t work like that, Youngwoo.”
I tried to ignore it but his laughter followed me until I entered the apartment and slammed the door behind me.
I really had no time for all this. The responses from my college applications would roll in soon and every morning I woke up with my heart thundering in my ears, wondering if today would be the day when my fate was to be decided. I was working like a dog, 12 hours daily every weekend then studying like my life depended on it whenever I could. I was not sure for how much longer I could keep all this up, when I would finally crumble against the indifference of the world but I had to keep going if I wanted out of this.
***
December 20th
Our karaoke booth boomed with the unmistakable sound of a Queen’s song and I could feel the vibrations in my chest. Mia and Chris, Joseph’s cousins were screeching like crows trying to reach a crescendo. Toby, Chris’ girlfriend, choked on her drink when Chris went to his knees, sliding on the floor so he could reach her as he screamed his lungs out.
My ears were on the verge of bleeding, everyone was younger than me, their bodies thrumming with the energy of undaunted youth and I felt like the only responsible adult in the room - which basically I was.
You’re here for Jo, you’re here for Jo, I had to remind myself.
“Won’t you let me have a drink? Just a little sip? It’s my birthdayyy!” Joseph was pleading, making full use of the weakness I had for his big glimmering eyes.
He kept draping his huge arms over me in a futile attempt to appease me.
“You’re 4 years too early,” I said, trying not to let myself falter.
His bruises had finally healed, I could not get this guy drunk on his 17th birthday.
”I think it’s a bit late for that,” Mia chirped in, taking out an empty bottle of vodka from her backpack. “I already put some of this in his drink.” She started giggling and hiccuping, a blush creeping up her cheeks.
I reached out to Jo and closed the distance between our faces so I could smell his breath - it was hot and heavy with the trace of alcohol. Joseph’s breath hitched a little and he stared at me as if I’d slapped him or something.
”Mia!” I berated. “That is so irresponsible, how could you do that?”
”Did you roofie his drink?” Chris asked and dissolved into laughter. Christ, was everyone drunk here?
His sister looked at him with disgust. “It’s not the same thing, idiot.”
My god, Jo’s mom was really going to murder me this time. How could I have let this happen?
“Wait, wait! Jo has a song he wants to sing, don’t you, Jo?” Mia asked him, her lips pulling up in a mischievous smile.
Joseph frowned. “I do?”
“Oh, yes you do!” She typed the song title onto the huge screen and passed the mic to Jo.
I’m your man by Leonard Cohen started playing in the background- a deep, sensual beat usually reserved for awkward lovemaking scenes in older films. I frowned at the screen. These guys had to be pretty drunk if they thought this was a nice song choice to celebrate Jo’s birthday with but against all reason Joseph bounced to his feet and started singing with his entire chest, cheeks blushing, eyes falling shut in embarrassment.
If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man
Mia and Chris were already floored with unrestrained laughter, tears falling down their faces at their cousin’s performance. Only Toby was actually really listening to the lyrics and her gaze passed once, twice between me and Joseph. What was going on here?
“My god, I wish I had a camera to film this!” Chris screamed over Joseph’s singing.
The lyrics turned borderline perverted, alluding to all sorts of sexual shit this guy Cohen would do for his woman and suddenly Jo was on his knees in front of me, his gaze fully on me, breathing strained as he sang,
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please, please
I'm your man
His eyes were hazy - with what I was not sure. Was it the alcohol, the rush of excitement as he raced towards adulthood or something else, completely new that I had failed to register until this night.
Mia and Toby were screaming but the sounds came as if from the distance. There was only Jo, his massive frame on his knees for me and the rest of the world fell away.
I swallowed hard, blood rushing to my brain; I could hear my heart beating in my throat, trapped there just like I was trapped in the burning light reflected against his eyes.
I had to call the karaoke off shortly after that. Couldn’t let the manager know I had 3 drunk underage kids with me. That was definitely some type of crime in my books.
I made sure to give them plenty of air and water to sober them up a bit before deposit Toby, Mia and Chris home. In the end, it was only me and Jo remaining and the moon shining above our heads. The wind was sharp against our faces so I took off my scarf and wrapped it around Jo’s face. He giggled a little and sunk his face deeper inside the soft material.
“Smells like you,” he said.
”Oh, I forgot to give you my present.” I’d been so stressed about it I hadn’t managed to give it in front of the rest of the kids. Or maybe I just wanted to be alone with him when I did so I could have his reaction all to myself.
”But Ian, you already did. We went to the karaoke, it was so much fun,” he said sincerely and the corners of his eyes crinkled with happiness.
I took out the package and handed it to him, waiting with bated breath as he unwrapped the camera.
“I wasn’t really sure what model you wanted but I asked your dad and he was sure it had to be this one,” I was rambling which was so unlike me.
Jo gasped when he fully unwrapped the present. He kept staring between me and the camera as if he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.
“Ian!! What have you done? This must’ve been so expensive!” He finally blurted out. “I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy…”
”You don’t have to say anything. Just… use it well, I guess?” An embarrased laugh escaped me after that.
”I think you can already turn it on. The guy at the shop made sure it was ready,” I said.
Jo turned the camera on and tinkered with it for a while before I heard a click and the camera being snapped.
”Hey, I didn’t say take a picture of me!” I protested.
”But you’re the most beautiful thing around here,” he said with a pout.
I shook my head. “You’ve been acting strange today. You shouldn’t say things like that.”
Jo put the camera away, zeroed the distance between us and asked,
“Things like what? Like, can I kiss you, hyung?”
My throat was parched all of a sudden and this dumbass was all over me - the expensive perfume he’d put on, the sweet scent of his sweat, the cloying trace of liquor on his mouth.
“You only call me that when you want something from me…” I remarked.
”Oh, then I must really want something…” His gaze dropped to my mouth and before I could protest his mouth followed.