Work Text:
‘Unforgivable. That’s what I am.’ That’s what you told me at the bandstand. And yet, you apologised shortly after. For what? For being right, for trying to save me, save the world, save us?
You saw everything so much clearer than me. The truth about Heaven and Hell, about the Ineffable Plan and the fact that in the end no one really cared about what we were doing on Earth the whole time, not even God Herself. You saw right through it even before the Beginning, when you asked for a suggestion box, because some things were clearly wrong with Heaven’s plans. And time and time again you did the right things like asking questions, saving children and protecting people, even when it cost you everything.
I think the only thing you were ever wrong about was, when up on the wall of Eden, you told me that I am an angel and couldn’t do the wrong thing. Because we have seen on countless occasions that angels can do the wrong thing. I lied and I was sanctimonious and hypocrite and I valued my comforts more than the truth. There is, after all, a reason why I was the one to do the first apology dance. A silly little dance, instead of saying the hardest words of all. But I AM sorry, I really am, for each time I hurt you and treated you as less than me, just because you are a demon. For each time I thought I had it right and you didn’t. For each time I didn’t listen to you and believed in Heaven, no matter how bad they treated me.
You stood beside me through History, through floods, through dungeons, even through Armageddon itself and never waivered, never left my side, no matter how wrong I was. You even did the dance yourself, when your only fault was fear, fear of losing our ‘peaceful, fragile existence’, our freedom.
And then, when all else had failed, you kissed me. And I said ‘I forgive you.’? You didn't need forgiving when all my heart longed to say was 'Do it again!'? What kind of thing is that to say after a first kiss? I should have known better. You have shown me your love for six millennia while I did nothing BUT hurt you and that is what I came up with, right before once again putting a false trust into Heaven and leaving you?
I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had shown me the metaphorical door when I came to you begging for help after I got it wrong yet again. You didn’t have to help me, in fact, I didn’t even deserve your help and your unwavering loyalty and love after everything I had done to you. But despite everything, you were there for me again. And I will be grateful for or for all Eternity.
My darling, I don’t deserve the life we have built and I certainly don’t deserve your love. And yet I have it, which is the greatest miracle of all. Waking up next to you, getting to kiss you and hearing you say ‘I love you’ is… is EVERYTHING. I want to spend the rest of my existence by your side, loving you and feeling loved and showing you each new day that you are the one being in the Universe I never want to be without ever again.
Our future seems perfect, but sometimes I can see shadows of doubt and hurt in your eyes and I know it’s my fault because I never outright said how sorry I am for everything I have said and done to you in the past. So this is me, saying ‘I am sorry. I apologise. You were right and I was wrong.’
I used to say that forgiveness was one of my favourite things. But lately I start to wonder if it ever was my place to do so. How can I be the one forgiving when I am so clearly the one in need of forgiveness?
So my love, my darling Crowley, after all I have put you through, I have to ask you for one last thing, probably the biggest and hardest request of all. In time, when you can say it and really mean it, please tell me that you forgive me.