Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

“Is everything all right?”

Dr. Al-Hashimi looked at Whitaker for answers. She was the only one of them with an umbrella. Always prepared. Quickly, her gaze found Trinity with her arms wrapped around her legs, hood over her head, sitting on the wet ground and staring up at her with wide eyes and parted lips. Al-Hashimi did not wear her heart on her sleeve, but something flashed quickly over her expression, only for a brief moment, then she continued to study Trinity’s face. Once Whitaker began talking, Al-Hashimi nearly had to rip herself away to look at him instead.

“Trinity’s car isn’t working,” he said.

“What’s wrong with it?”

At this point, Trinity knew she had lost all hopes of being professional, her guard was completely down, she couldn’t mask anything anymore. It really sucked, especially after the weird day she had with Al-Hashimi. Of course she was the person walking into the parking lot at this exact moment. On this exact day. Of course. 

“I don’t know,” Trinity mumbled.

“Uh…” Whitaker rubbed the side of his neck, glancing back and forth between Trinity and Al-Hashimi. “Do you know anything about cars?”

Al-Hashimi shook her head. “Unfortunately, no.”

Trinity squeezed her eyes shut and pretended she wasn’t here, but then she heard Al-Hashimi’s steady voice again.

“But I can give you two a ride.”

“Oh, that’d be…” Whitaker looked down expectantly at Trinity, who was glaring at him. “That’d be really, really great. That’s really kind of you.”

“We couldn’t make you do that,” Trinity sighed, wishing she could slap Whitaker. “I’m sure someone else in this place knows how to fix it.”

Whitaker leaned down to Trinity. “Um, actually I’m really cold, so…”

“I’m happy to,” Al-Hashimi said. “Who knows when everyone else will get off their shift. Not to mention it’s pouring out here.” She looked up at the sky, then back at Trinity, dark eyes softening. Something about it was very convincing, but it was probably because Trinity was so fucking drained.

Whitaker folded his hands in front of him and side-eyed Trinity. Al-Hashimi offered a hand to her. Trinity was so exhausted she thought she must have been dreaming, there was no way this was actually happening. She took Al-Hashimi’s hand and stood. Trinity could have sworn that Al-Hashimi squeezed it lightly before letting go, her fingers brushing against Trinity’s palm, but at this point she didn’t know what was real anymore. She ignored the buzz that rang behind her chest.

“Thank you, Dr. Al-Hashimi,” Whitaker said as she tried to fit them all under her umbrella. They all had to walk very close together to do so, and her and Trinity’s shoulders were grazing, but Al-Hashimi hardly seemed to notice.

“You can call me Baran outside of work,” she said. “I don’t mind.”

Trinity crossed her arms over her chest for warmth as they walked to Baran’s car. “Yeah, thanks.”

“It’s really not a problem.”

Of course, her car was a lot nicer than Trinity’s, less beat up. Definitely a mom car, though, but sleek and silver with tinted windows. Baran closed and wrapped up her umbrella in one swift motion, and all of a sudden Whitaker was climbing into the backseat. Why the fuck did he make Trinity have shotgun? Whatever. She was too tired to care about anything anymore. She would have slept right there on the ground if Baran hadn’t waltzed over.

“I’m sorry for getting your seats wet,” Whitaker said.

Baran smiled sweetly, looking at him from her rearview mirror. “It’ll dry.”

The inside was much cleaner than Trinity’s car, too. No half-empty fast food soda cups or gum wrappers in here. It smelled fresh, almost woodsy. There was a mini bottle of hand sanitizer sitting in one of the cup holders and a string of holographic purple beads hanging down from her rearview mirror.

Trinity exhaled a laugh and gestured her head to it, pulling her hood down. “That’s cute.”

She watched Baran’s lips curve into a smile. “My son made it for me.”

Trinity glanced over to her. Normally, this entire situation would make her feel tense, but her nerves had eased and melted because she was about to doze off right here in Baran’s expensive leather seats. Baran was already looking at her. 

“Buckle up,” she told her, and Trinity listened. 

Baran handed her phone to Trinity for her to type their address into, and she began to back out of the parking lot. It was a tricky one. There were cars everywhere. Not only surrounding them on all sides, but also coming down both ends of the street, and Pittsburgh drivers were not careful, nor were they courteous. Of course, her beautiful car had a backup camera (unlike Trinity’s), but Baran still wrapped her hand around the back of Trinity’s seat and looked over her shoulder to get a better view, twisting the wheel with one flat hand. Trinity didn’t even notice she was watching her until Baran’s eyes flickered over to hers. 

Trinity quickly turned away, leaned her head against the raindrop-spattered window instead. She was too tired to go on her phone, unlike Whitaker in the backseat.

“Are you two cold?” Baran asked. “I have a blanket in my trunk.”

Whitaker perked up. “Ye–”

“I’m fine,” Trinity cut him off.

“Trinity,” Baran said, startling her a bit. Hearing Baran say her first name made her skin feel warm. It was so crisp, every letter enunciated as if they were all too important to miss. “Are you worried about your car?”

“Thing’s a piece of crap,” she mumbled. “It was gonna kick the bucket one of these days.”

“You don’t know that it’s unfixable. It probably just needs to be jumped. And what I mean is, do you have a plan?”

“A plan? Yeah, I don’t know. I guess I’ll find a way back over here and then call someone to take a look at it.”

“I’m not on-call tomorrow.” Baran reached a stoplight and looked over at her. Her face was glowing pale red against the illumination. “I don’t mind dropping you off.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“If you need a ride, I’m here.”

Trinity worried at her bottom lip. She had been so wrapped up in wondering how she was gonna get home, she hadn’t even begun to think about the logistics of figuring out her car. This was all so annoying. 

“My phone is right there, if you’d like to save your number into it.”

“I don’t wanna… mess up your GPS.”

“I know where I am.”

Of course Robo-Doc was a human map. Trinity picked up the phone, averting her eyes from looking too closely at Baran’s stuff. Even though she sort of wanted to. She went immediately to the Contacts app and added herself.

Even if she didn’t need it, Trinity pulled the map back up for her anyway. “What about your kid?”

“He’s with my parents for the weekend.”

“Um, yeah, maybe.” Trinity turned around to glare at Whitaker. “Since this one doesn’t have a car.”

Whitaker’s eyes widened. “I’m working on it.”

Trinity sighed and slumped back into her seat.

“Just text me and let me know. Even if you don’t need a ride, keep me updated.” Baran nodded her head once toward Trinity. Trinity pursed her lips into a smile and nodded back, slightly more eager. 

She had a weird feeling that she couldn’t describe. For some reason, she almost wished that Whitaker wasn’t here. Part of her wanted to talk to Baran more about what had happened earlier. But what else was there to talk about? It was really kind of her to give Trinity a ride, especially considering what she had said to her.

Trinity rolled her head to the other side. “Can I put the radio on?”

Baran nodded. “Sure.”

Trinity flipped through the stations until she found the 90s one. They were playing “Dreams” by The Cranberries.

“I love this song,” Trinity said.

Baran was smiling. “Me too.”

“I don’t know it,” Whitaker said.

“Of course you don’t,” Trinity laughed. “What do you even listen to on farms? The sounds of butter churning?” 

“Um, mostly bluegrass.”

Trinity rolled her eyes and listened to the song.

I know I felt like this before,

but now I’m feeling it even more,

because it came from you…

The city was so beautiful at night. Because Pittsburgh had so many bridges, there was always an amazing view of the skyline during drives like these. Trinity noticed that Baran mostly kept both hands on the wheel, ten and two, just as expected, but as they reached a little bit of traffic, she had leaned her elbow on the window and her head against her wrist. Trinity couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking about. There were so many gears turning in there.

After about a twenty minute drive, they approached their apartment complex. Trinity opened her mouth to start talking, but Whitaker interrupted her, his head popping up right between the two of them.

“I’m sorry, I really have to pee. Sorry, Dr. Al-Hash—I mean, Baran.” Trinity shot him a weird look. “Thanks, sorry. Thanks again. Really.” He opened the door and climbed out, nearly sprinting into the rain and toward the door of the building.

“Happy… to help.” Baran smiled and shook her head, eyes falling on Trinity.

Trinity’s mouth was open in a dumbfounded grin. “He is just…”

“Yes. But he is a very good doctor.”

Trinity nodded. “Yeah. He is. He’s a great roommate, too.”

“You two make a good pair.”

“We are not—”

“Yes, Trinity. I think I’m aware of that. I know you’re seeing Dr. Garcia.”

Trinity stared at her in disbelief, blinking a few times. She swallowed with a dry throat. “Um, yeah, well, we were… Well, not really, we weren’t dating… Whatever, it’s been over, though. For a while.”

Baran studied her face. When she did that, it made Trinity just want to talk and talk and talk, tell her everything, spill her guts out. So she did.

“She didn’t really like me that much.”

“I don’t see how that’s possible.”

Trinity opened her mouth then shut it. All that could be heard was the rain tapping against the windows. Baran didn’t say anything more. That’s the thing with her, she knew when to stop. All Trinity knew was how to keep going.

“Half of that hospital hates me.”

“That is not true.”

“Well, Langdon, Garcia… How do you even know about that?”

“I heard you two talking.”

Trinity’s eyebrows flew up. “When? About what?”

“A few weeks ago. By the elevators.”

“What did she say?”

Baran was, for once, not staring into Trinity’s soul. She was looking straight ahead. “I don’t like the way she speaks to you.”

Trinity shifted in her seat, feeling her face flush. “You… don’t?”

Baran turned her head back toward Trinity. “Not at all.”

Trinity was probably tachycardic. 

She couldn’t think about this right now. 

She didn’t want to think about how much Garcia had hurt her, how much she made her hate herself, how many nights she spent curled up in the fetal position, sobbing, just wishing she was good enough, wishing she was something worth caring about. But she knew she wasn’t. If she hadn’t already known it before, Garcia had made damn sure she was well aware now.

And Al-Hashimi had… noticed that? She notices everything, she was probably the most observant person on earth, Trinity knew that, but… 

“Where did you go?”

Trinity blinked. “What?”

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah, yeah.” She cleared her throat. “I should get inside.”

Baran’s eyes scanned her. Trinity could not tell what emotion was on her face. Al-Hashimi showed nothing. All she said was, “All right.”

“Well, thank you, again. For earlier, too.”

“You did well today,” Baran said. Something in her voice had changed. It was lower, deeper. “Even if you think that you didn’t.”

Trinity didn’t know where to look. She couldn’t possibly look her in the eye right now. She would burst into tears. 

“Um, thanks. Thank you, Dr. Al.”

Baran wasn’t exactly smiling, but the corners of her lips were slightly curved, as if she were amused. “Don’t forget to text me about tomorrow. I don’t want you to be stuck in an unpleasant situation because you’re too afraid to ask for help.”

All the air was stolen from Trinity’s lungs. 

“Yeah, I’ll text you.”

Baran’s gaze looked heavy. She was probably exhausted, too. “Good,” she said, in that way she did, so clear and perfect and sure. She was really great at saying that word. 

“Goodnight, Trinity.”

“Night,” Trinity said, meeting her unrelenting gaze one last time, reaching for the door handle.

“Hold on, take this,” Baran said, grabbing something from the floor. She handed Trinity her umbrella. “I don’t want you getting soaked.”

Trinity couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s like ten feet away.”

“Take it.”

“I don’t mind getting wet.”

“I’m sure you don’t,” Baran said, voice soft. What? She nudged the umbrella toward Trinity. “Take it.”

She did. 

Baran parted her lips to say something but no words came out, she just relaxed her shoulders and put a polite smile on instead. 

“Okay, bye,” Trinity said as she rushed to force herself out of the car. The tension was too much. She was definitely the only one feeling it, but still, it was too much. She quickly opened the umbrella and held it over her head, raising her hand as a wave toward Baran’s face in the windshield, blurred from raindrops. But she could make out those brown eyes clear as day.

Trinity walked leisurely through the rain, rubbing her thumb against the cool handle of the umbrella. She felt so off. She wanted to hop back into Baran’s car and just talk until she couldn’t anymore. She suddenly was very awake, after feeling the most exhausted she had ever been. She wanted to look back and see if Baran’s car was still there, but she didn’t. She was scared of what she would have done had it been.

I don’t like the way she speaks to you, Trinity thought about it as she put her key in the door, through the walk into the lobby, through the elevator ride up to her floor, up until she sprawled out on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Whitaker was already asleep.

I don’t like the way she speaks to you.

I like the way you speak to me, she had wanted to say.

Chapter Text

Trinity had a strange dream that night about Dr. Al-Hashimi. 

In the dream, Baran had told Trinity to look at her, just as she did in the empty exam room yesterday. But her voice was lower and deeper, like how it had been for a moment in the car, and she had used her thumb to angle Trinity’s chin upward to meet her eyes. The rest of the dream was flashes of that look, the idiosyncratic Dr. Al-Hashimi stare, observing everything through long lashes, learning the ins and outs of Trinity merely through that watchful gaze that was constantly scanning, constantly scrutinizing. In one of the flashes, Baran was looking down at her, lids heavy, a smirk playing on her lips. That was especially weird.

When Trinity woke, she was breathing hard, and her back was sweating, and she thought about Dr. Al-Hashimi’s eyes all damn morning. She poured too much water into her coffee maker and it overflowed and spilled all over the counter because of it. Because of those eyes. She was so thrown off that she had given up on the coffee altogether, which was very uncharacteristic of her.

She clenched her jaw and ripped her phone out of her pocket, staring blankly at the most recent text. It was from Baran’s number, the text she sent to herself in the car last night when Trinity had saved herself as a contact. Trinity shook her head to herself and began to type. 

Then she stopped. 

She started again. 

Then she stopped. 

She hovered her thumbs in the air, mind racing, feeling even weirder now about Baran after that fucking dream. She had already felt pretty fucking weird about her after all of yesterday. She heaved a sigh and looked up at the ceiling as if she were asking God for advice.

“Yeah, you’re not gonna help me,” she muttered.

She blew air out of her cheeks and sent the text quickly before slamming her phone face down on the counter.

hi it’s trinity, does that offer still stand

Trinity paced back and forth in her kitchen for a moment. She couldn’t believe she was having strange dreams with sexual undertones about Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi, her attending. Who is much older than her. Inappropriately older than her. And has a fucking kid. But… sometimes she felt like Baran could almost tell. Trinity worried that Baran could see that thing about her. That would be crazy, though, right? There was no way she knew. Sure, Al-Hashimi was smart, really smart, good at cracking codes, good at watching, but she wouldn’t be able to gather information like that so easily.

Her phone buzzed.

She stared at it for a long moment before slowly picking it up.

Of course. I can be there in half an hour.

Go figure, the woman had perfect sentence structure in a fucking text message. Trinity scrambled to reply back.

ok thank you

see you then

Trinity practically ran upstairs to get ready. She left her hair down, quickly brushed her teeth, threw on joggers and a black tank with a flannel, shoved a half-frozen waffle down her throat, and stood twiddling her thumbs until Baran arrived.

And she arrived exactly thirty minutes after she had texted her.

I’m outside.

Not wanting to make her wait a second longer, Trinity grabbed her keys and rushed out the door, bounced her leg in the elevator, and stepped into the bright morning air. Thankfully, it was dry today. It was nothing but gorgeous autumn sun. Trinity had a tendency to be late sometimes (okay, a lot of the time), but she wanted to impress Baran, especially after she had let her down yesterday. She saw Baran’s car immediately, hazards flashing, waiting right outside the door.

“Hey,” Trinity said, climbing into the passenger seat.

“Good morning.”

Trinity’s breath caught in her throat at the sight of Dr. Al-Hashimi’s bare, toned arms. She was wearing a loose, dark red nylon tank top, and her hair was completely down. It was strange to see her so… casual. Trinity had half-expected her to be wearing scrubs. There was a rolled up yoga mat in the backseat.

“Did I disturb your yoga?”

Baran shook her head. “It’s been done. Six A.M. pilates.”

“You do pilates at six in the morning?”

“Whenever I can, yes.”

Trinity laughed in disbelief. “That’s batshit.”

Baran shrugged, unfazed. “It’s a good start to my day. I suppose it keeps me grounded.”

Trinity’s eyes, with a mind of their own, traveled downward back to Baran’s tan arms, her exposed collarbone, the veins on her hands… then Trinity was transported back to her dream last night, to that flash of Baran looking down at her, almost a condescending smile on her mouth, then to her saying I don’t like the way she speaks to you as the rain hit the car window and they sat there under the blanket of night, the protectiveness that dripped from her low, measured voice… stop, stop, stop. 

She’s not protective of you, don’t be crazy. You sound like a lunatic. She couldn’t believe her brain was betraying her like this. You can have a huge gay crush on anyone else, Trinity told herself, just no one in the hospital, and definitely not your superior. But then Baran shifted the car out of park, and Trinity followed the flex of the muscles in her arms as she did so, glanced down at her fingers splayed over the gear stick…

 “I’ve already called AAA,” Baran said as she began driving, startling Trinity out of her trance. “They can take hours. I didn’t want you to have to wait too long.”

“Oh,” Trinity said, raising her brows, bemused as to why Baran had done all this for her. “That was weirdly nice of you.”

One corner of Baran’s mouth was ticked upward as she stole a glance at Trinity. “Weirdly? Is it weird for me to be nice?”

“No,” Trinity said quickly. “It’s just… weirdly nice for someone to do in general, I guess.”

“You’re a good person, Trinity. You don’t have to deal with things alone.”

Trinity swallowed and nodded as if she were trying to make herself believe it. Really, she still didn’t understand why Baran had taken her under her wing. Trinity had been such a major bitch to her, and here she was, driving her to the hospital at eight in the morning to help fix her car. And she had called the car company ahead of time, just to take some of the load off of Trinity. Who does that?

“I like your hair like that.”

Trinity nearly gave herself whiplash from turning her head so fast. She reached her hand up to run it through her hair, a reflex, like when someone compliments your shirt and you look down as if to remember what it is. She thought she was swallowing her heart, the way it was pounding in her throat. She loved the praise at work, knew how to mold and shape it into motivation, but a compliment about her appearance she just didn’t know how to take. Especially from Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi.

Trinity squinted. “Thank… you?”

Baran’s composure did not falter. “Is something confusing?”

“You’re just… being really nice.”

“I’m a nice person, Trinity.”

Trinity nodded. It was true. “You are.”

“It’s just a fact. As much of a fact as… It's a nice day outside today. Or, your car is broken. I like your hair like that. Another fact.”

Trinity tried not to laugh, but the opposite occurred, and she let out a snort.

“What?” Baran smiled in her direction. “You want to call me Robo-Doc, don’t you?” 

Trinity’s smile immediately straightened, heart dropping to her stomach. How the fuck did she find out about that? Baran was just silently smirking to herself, eyes on the road.

“I don’t…” Trinity’s voice was barely there. “I don’t call you that a lot.”

Baran nodded knowingly. “Mm.”

Trinity swore under her breath and leaned her temple against the window.

“It’s all right,” Baran soothed. “I’ve been called worse.”

Trinity shook her head. “Sorry.”

Baran reached a stoplight and held her gaze upon Trinity. “Maybe you just need to be taught a lesson.”

Trinity was so taken aback that she exhaled an incredulous laugh, not only at that strange statement but at the way Baran did not allow her eyes to leave Trinity’s, like she wasn’t afraid of anything, like nothing she was saying was out of the ordinary, but now they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. The guy from AAA was already here, prowling around Trinity’s car, and her ears were fucking buzzing.

“Oh, good,” Baran said, as if her previous comment had never existed. Trinity stared at her with furrowed brows. “He’s here.”

Just when Baran made Trinity have one question, there was always another right around the corner. “How did he know which car was mine?”

Baran looked perplexed by her asking. “I told him. Come on, I’ll go speak to him with you.”

“You don’t have—”

But Baran was already stepping out of the car, and Trinity’s eyes found themselves glued to her yoga pants…

Stop it, Santos.

“Hello,” Baran said, offering a professional hand to the disgruntled mechanic. “Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi. What’s wrong with the car?”

“Battery’s shot. Needs to be jumped.”

Baran nodded once. “That’s what I thought.”

“Shouldn’t take long.”

Trinity stood beside Baran, arms folded over her chest, flannel falling halfway down her shoulder. “Is it gonna be okay?”

The mechanic shrugged. “We’ll see.” He turned and sauntered back over to his own vehicle.

Baran shot Trinity a look. “He’s awfully chipper.”

Trinity tried to smile, but she was worried. Worried about her car potentially being dead forever, and, if not, how much it would cost to fix it. She didn’t know anything about cars, but what she did know was that she had zero money. She had nothing but some cheese sticks and an expired half-empty gallon of milk in her fridge. 

She must have been staring blankly at the ground. She knew Baran was looking at her. She put her hand on Trinity’s back, and suddenly she was in that exam room again, Baran sneaking up quietly behind her, touching her gently, trying to calm her down.

“Don’t worry,” Baran said softly, reading Trinity’s mind. “We’ll cross the bridge when we get to it. He has my number, he’ll call me when he’s done. Is there anywhere you’d like to go in the meantime? Get your mind off it?”

Trinity couldn’t fathom how gracious this woman was. It didn’t help that when she got tense like this, the release she needed was… not appropriate to reveal to Dr. Al-Hashimi, certainly, and it didn’t help that this whole caretaking thing she was doing was really turning her on. 

“I guess I could go for a coffee,” Trinity said. “Didn’t have one yet this morning.”

Baran nodded and her hand snaked up Trinity’s back and onto the crook of her bare shoulder. She was only slightly taller than Trinity, but right now, in this moment, it felt like a world of difference. The feeling of Baran’s fingers against her skin was too much. Trinity licked her lips without meaning to.

“Sounds good.”

She wished Baran would stop saying that word. Baran searched her face for another brief moment before leading Trinity, hand only sliding down and off her back after they had reached her car. Trinity got in and closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. There were a lot of conflicting emotions happening.

Baran did not start the car.

Trinity blinked and glanced up. “Are we going?”

“I want to make sure you’re okay, first.”

Trinity blew air into her cheeks and nodded, trying to seem easy-going despite her anxiety eating her alive by the second. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Does caffeine make you feel more or less anxious?”

Trinity laughed a little. She had a horrible pokerface. “Less, I think.”

“Interesting,” Baran finally started the car and began to drive as if a smile from Trinity was the assurance she needed. “It has an adverse effect on me.”

“You don’t seem like you get anxious.”

Trinity watched Baran as she drove. She lifted a hand to scratch her upper jaw, then her fingers traced down the hard-set line of it. It was so quick, but it replayed over and over in slow-motion in Trinity’s brain. How could someone move like that? So controlled, so alluring without even trying.

“I do,” Baran said simply.

Trinity wanted to pry but she fought against it. She wanted to ask, How do you do it, then? But she didn’t. She also wanted to reach over and outline the indent of Baran’s protruding collarbone with her fingertips but she didn’t do that, either.

Baran approached the drive-thru before Trinity’s thoughts could spiral out any further. “What would you like?”

“Iced vanilla latte,” Trinity said. “Oat milk. A shot of hazelnut, too. Oh, and sweet cream cold foam.”

Baran blinked at her.

“Please.”

Baran exhaled a laugh. “That sounds nauseating.”

Then,

“Thank you for saying please.”

Trinity almost swallowed her entire tongue. What the fuck? 

There were all of these little comments that Baran made that she acted like were completely normal, and… they were? Sort of? They would probably be normal to anyone else. Not to Trinity, though. Not with her thing. She had said it so smoothly, in that resonant voice, she did not appear embarrassed or coy, and that’s what made it so much weirder, that’s what made Trinity feel like she was completely losing her mind, because what?

Trinity did her best to shake it off and, as Baran ordered, she dug through her pocket for her wallet. Baran was doing the thing, the thing Trinity now knew she did from being in a car with her exactly twice, the thing where she rested her elbow on the window and leaned her head against her wrist. For some reason it just… humanized her. She felt so guilty about the Robo-Doc thing. She was the furthest thing from a robot. And no robot could ever look that good in that tank top.

Trinity was holding out her credit card for Baran to take, which she had probably already exceeded the limit for this month, but, whatever.

Baran stared blankly at it. “What is that?”

Jeez, maybe she was a robot. “My… credit card? For the coffee?”

“I don’t want that.”

She could not be serious. “You’ve already done all this for me, let me buy my own coffee.”

Baran smiled and handed her own card to the cashier.

Trinity’s eyes were wild. “Seriously?”

Baran scanned her up and down. “Quit it.”

Trinity’s whole body vibrated, every square inch of her skin. Baran’s tone was somehow both gentle and forceful at the same time. Trinity opened her mouth but no sound came out. 

Baran grabbed the drinks, thanked and tipped the worker, and handed Trinity her coffee. “Here’s your milkshake.” She was looking ahead, her focus fixed on the road.

“Thank you. You really didn’t have to.”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

She really had to stop, now. She had no idea what she was doing. Trinity shifted in her seat a little. For… no reason.

AAA’s number was flashing on the screen. Baran hit a button on her steering wheel to accept the call, saying hello and asking about Trinity’s car.

Her car was fine.

Trinity exhaled relief.

Now, she had to pay for it.

Chapter Text

“I can help you with that, Trinity,” Baran had said that morning. “If you need a cover.”

And it was true, she could. Half of the woman’s closet was Lululemon. But Trinity had just shaken her head. She had done her enough favors, she was starting to feel like a charity case, and Baran could tell. Anyway, it wasn’t that expensive, she’d be fine once her next paycheck hit. She was just glad that her car was okay. She had thanked the mechanic and Baran, profusely, and then she drove home. And that was that.

But that was last week.

And many more dreams about Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi had followed.

More explicit this time.

Much more explicit. 

And maybe her name had accidentally slipped out of her parted lips once or twice when Trinity was alone in her bed late at night with her hand between her thighs.

***

On a dreary Tuesday morning, Trinity ran into Garcia in the corner of an empty hallway, nearly bumped into her.

“Sorry,” Trinity muttered without glancing up.

“Santos.”

Trinity turned on her heel, looking annoyed, and Garcia was giving her a once-over.

“We should hang out soon,” Garcia said plainly. “Catch up.”

Trinity blinked.

They had not seen each other for months. They barely spoke. Garcia had been steadily ignoring her after Trinity became, what she called, “too much.” She didn’t need her to tell her that. She already had the scars to prove it. What the fuck did she want now? Why now? Immediately, Trinity’s mind went to Baran. She didn’t know the reason for that.

Weird.

Trinity screwed her face up. “Why?”

“Why not?”

“Maybe because you’re a dick to me?”

Garcia laughed in her face and turned around. It was true, she made Trinity feel like complete shit. But Trinity also really needed to be touched. Garcia was good for that. She had said it herself.

“Yeah, okay,” Trinity conceded before Garcia was out of earshot. 

She could imagine Baran’s cocked eyebrow in the back of her mind, hear her clear tone, she would probably say something like Trinity, what are you doing? And what was she doing? She didn’t know. She just felt so shitty all the time and she didn’t know how to make it better.

Garcia nodded without looking back at her, as if she already knew that was going to happen. 

***

By three-o’clock, Whitaker had too much caffeine. He was bouncing off the walls. Trinity, on the other hand, was having  another one of her ear-splitting headaches.

It didn’t help that he was bored. It was one of those rare, slow days. He was talking too loud, too close, his skin practically reverberating, rambling to her about patients and farms and whatever the fuck. Trinity spent all afternoon pretending to listen and trying not to snap and rip his tiny little head off.

“Dr. Whitaker,” Baran said as she breezed by them. “Let’s leave Dr. Santos alone, hm?”

Trinity stopped in her tracks as Baran floated out of the room and through a set of double doors, as if she had never even been there at all.

Everything was completely normal.

But there were things like that, things just slightly out of Trinity’s grasp of understanding.

Trinity tried not to smile as she sat down to chart something. She massaged her temples. Even though there was only empty space where Baran had just been, Trinity still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched.

***

She was back twenty minutes later, standing behind Trinity. This time, Trinity actually heard her, and she looked over her shoulder and offered Baran a small, tired smile.

“How’s the charting?”

“Fine,” Trinity said, trying not to squirm under her watch. “I’m catching up.”

“Good.” Baran held her palm beside Trinity. “Here.”

There were two small pills in her hand. Trinity looked up at her.

Advil.

***

Trinity ran into Garcia again, this time as Garcia was stepping onto the elevator.

Trinity glanced in her direction. “Tonight?”

Garcia nodded, looking past her and over her shoulder, and the doors shut.

Baran’s face appeared in Trinity’s imagination again. Her tightened jaw, the tilt of her head. Trinity looked behind her as if she would be standing there.

She wasn’t.

***

Trinity was packing up, actually able to leave nearly on time tonight. 

It was an uneventful day with uninteresting patients, no forks through noses or bright red sunburns or missing fingers. But at least it would pick up a little bit tonight. She could actually get to feel something. Even better, Whitaker was staying with Amy, so Trinity had the apartment to herself.

Garcia found her in the lobby. “Trinity,” she said.

And Trinity already knew. She didn’t even have to say it, but she did anyway. Salt in the wound. And Garcia really knew how to pour the salt in there.

“Something came up.”

It didn’t hurt any less even though she had been expecting it. Her heart still sank a little. The disappointment was probably written all over her face, but she still tried her best to act cool. It wasn’t possible. Trinity pursed her lips and nodded, rubbing her eyes, then wiped her hand down her face. Her head felt better thanks to Baran but she still barely got any sleep last night. 

“Yeah. Okay.”

Another night alone.

Garcia left without another word, and Trinity didn’t put up a fight like she used to. Her dignity had been stolen from her enough times. Instead, she turned the corner and slumped down into a bench in some random alcove that no one was ever in and put her head in her hands.

The day wasn’t even that draining. It was actually a pretty decent shift, comparatively.

She was just tired in general.

“What did she say to you?”

Baran, without her jacket. Baran, gazing down at Trinity. Baran, here, always, right around the corner.

“Seriously, where do you come from?”

“What did she say?”

“Nothing.” Trinity shook her head, hand still rubbing her forehead. “She blew me off.”

“You were going to see her?”

Trinity leaned back, adjusted her posture to get a better look at Baran. Baran tilted her head ever so slightly, just like Trinity imagined she would, and it almost made Trinity want to laugh a little, how she was memorizing her movements. As usual, there was nothing laced in Baran’s tone besides evenness. What the hell, Trinity thought, Baran already knew about it. Might as well get it off her chest.

Right, Trinity, that was what made you want to confide in her. It totally isn’t because her careful words and dark eyes feel like warmth being draped all over you. Or because you were thinking about her arms and hands and mouth last night. And the night before that. And also possibly the night before that.

“She asked randomly. We haven’t talked in forever.”

Baran searched her, very deeply this time, even more intense than usual, but Trinity didn’t know what she was looking for.

“How’s your car?”

“Good,” Trinity said, noting the abrupt subject detour. “Thanks. And thanks for the meds earlier.”

Baran nodded. 

They weren’t far apart from each other, and yet there was so much air between them, something strange settling into the silence. They had been normal at work. At least, to the public eye, for sure. Trinity felt it. The switch. How things changed, as they do, after Baran had helped her, after the evening in the exam room, after everything. It was unnoticeable to everyone else and probably to Baran, too, but so sharp for her, so sharp that it was occupying far more space in her mind than she would like it to.

Clearly, judging by how she had been helping herself fall asleep lately.

Trinity had the weirdest urge to stand up and walk right over to her and lay her head in Baran’s chest, let Baran stroke her hair.

Jesus Christ.

Trinity let the words fall out of her mouth. “I know she’s using me.”

Baran stepped closer and crouched in front of her, meeting her eyes. Trinity parted her lips. She hadn’t expected her to do that. She inhaled once, deeply, steadily, tried to catch her breath before it could get away from her. She never knew what to do with her hands when Baran looked at her like this.

“It’s one thing for someone to hurt you unexpectedly,” Baran said slowly. “It’s another when you are choosing to let yourself get hurt.”

Take me home with you, Trinity wanted to say.

Instead, she said nothing.

She wanted to wrap her arms around Baran’s neck and sink her head into the nook where throat met shoulder.

Instead, she did nothing.

But Baran didn’t do nothing. She reached out her hand, brushed a loose strand of hair that had fallen out of place behind Trinity’s ear. Her fingers were so gentle, so precise. Like everything with her, it was over the moment it began. Trinity’s lids fluttered closed unintentionally. She had barely even touched her, and Trinity’s whole face was on fire, flushing her skin down to her neck, her chest. 

She just needed some gentleness. And Baran was the most gentle person in this hospital. God, maybe ever.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yes,” Trinity said, barely a breath.

“Good.”

Baran pulled her hand back and Trinity felt categorically emptier without her fingertips grazing her face. Baran stood and Trinity wished she hadn’t. That was, until she tilted her head up and Baran was looking down at her with an earnest expression. 

Emphasis on looking down at her.

She thought about her dream. Tried to blink it away. It kept coming back with a vengeance. It looked almost just like this, except with more. Trinity hated how much she craved that more.

This was bad. Baran was somehow able to put Trinity in a state that most people had never even scratched the surface of, a state that Trinity herself still didn’t completely understand. She could feel herself melting. Her knees had been apart but now she squeezed them together, staring up at Baran.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Trinity,” Baran said. “You’re worth much more than you give yourself credit for.”

Here she goes again, another sweet and perfectly strung sentence, one that made Trinity’s bones buzz and her cheeks redden. She hoped that Baran wouldn’t notice. What a futile wish. She notices everything. 

Baran nodded to her as a goodnight and walked toward the doors.

“Dr. Al, wait.”

When Baran turned around, stepping back over to her, brows knitted, Trinity opened her mouth and closed it again. She didn’t know what to say. She just didn’t want Baran to leave.

She hadn’t done that with Garcia.

She didn’t want to think about what that meant.

“I… I don’t want to, um…” Trinity looked down at her hands. She had been ripping off her cuticle skin practically to the bone. She only just noticed now that the burn was settling in. She tongued her cheek, feeling sorry for herself. She couldn’t meet Baran’s eyes. 

“I don’t wanna be alone.”

She let the words fall, barely audible, but Baran heard.

Baran’s hand had wrapped around Trinity’s back, extending all the way to her other shoulder, pulling Trinity into her as she stood. Trinity felt ease wash over her. Baran was warm. She always was.

“Come on, honey,” Baran said softly.

Chapter Text

Trinity was back in Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi’s car.

“We can drive around,” she said. “I like to do that sometimes. I find that it clears my head.”

Trinity nodded. “Yeah, I like to do that too.”

She watched Baran remove the small clip that held half of her hair, setting it in the cup holder. She tossed her hair to one side, the movement swift and graceful, then sighed calmly to herself as if to exhale out the day she just had.

“You look tired,” Trinity said.

Baran's lip curled upward. “Thank you, Trinity.”

“No,” Trinity said quickly. “I didn’t mean tired like, bad… You don’t look bad.”

Baran did her signature head tilt.

“I like your hair like that,” Trinity said.

She allowed the words to come out sounding like a joke because of what Baran had said to her last week, but she meant them. Her hair looked really good like that. She just looked good in general, always so put together, but especially right now, in all black, her hair a cascade of curls down one shoulder, her features blending beautifully with the cloak of night sky surrounding them, her eyelids heavy in a way that made Trinity have to look away.

Baran squinted a little and leaned back in her seat, still smiling. “Are you quoting me?”

“Maybe.”

“Nice work.”

Baran’s voice was the lowest Trinity had ever heard it, a mixture of exhaustion and allowing herself to finally relax, stripping down the mask you inevitably have to wear when you work at a hospital. Trinity sucked at wearing that mask. That was one of the reasons why she was so drawn to Baran, she just didn’t understand how she did it, handled everything so perfectly, like it was nothing. Sure, she had been doing this longer than Trinity had. But Trinity had a suspicion that Baran was always like this, even when she was Trinity’s age, strong and composed, a good head on her shoulders.

“I just mean,” Trinity continued. “You don’t have to waste your gas driving me around like I’m an anxious puppy if you’re tired.”

Baran looked at Trinity for a long moment. Even longer than usual. “I could use the company, too.”

“Well, I’m great company.”

“I have been convinced of that.”

Trinity was looking down at her hands and grinning.

They drove.

Over yellow bridges with sparkling moonlit rivers below, around narrow corners, down the windy Pittsburgh hills, through tunnels lit by amber light, across countless neighborhoods, the world passing by in blurs, the stars shining above them. The windows were rolled down and the crisp nighttime air cooled Trinity’s cheeks, blowing gently through her hair. She was breathing easier. At a stoplight, Baran surprised Trinity by leaning her elbow out the window. Trinity snuck several glances at her. It was easier when Baran was driving because she couldn’t look back and intimidate Trinity’s eyes away with her own unwavering stare.

And Trinity liked to watch her drive.

How she would do something with her hands as she slowed to a stop, rub her jaw or the side of her neck, how she always waved a thank you, how she leaned forward a little if she noticed oncoming traffic, how smoothly she merged and switched lanes and passed cars, how she would offer Trinity a reassuring smile every now and then as if to ask Still good?, how pretty her skin looked illuminated by streetlamps and green lights and the moon. 

Trinity was dead tired, her eyes half-closed, making everything seem hazier and more dreamlike. She enjoyed the feeling. 

She never wanted it to end.

“Why do you care?” She asked at one point, voice sleepy.

Baran glanced at her, brow ticking. “About what?”

Me. “You know, the whole thing with Garcia. How she speaks to me and whatever.”

Baran contemplated her answer.

“I care about the wellbeing of all of my residents.”

“But you’re not involved in their personal lives. Like, I bet you don’t know anything going on with Mel.”

“Sure I do. We worked at the VA together.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Trinity,” Baran said firmly. “If you are uncomfortable with my knowledge of—”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Trinity interrupted.

Baran had a serious look on her face. She continued regardless of Trinity cutting her off. “If you feel that I am overstepping, you are more than welcome to shut me down.”

“I don’t feel that way.”

Baran nodded, seeming to be working something out in her head. “Good.”

A beat.

“If you want me to tell you I care about you, I do. I don’t have a problem saying that.”

Trinity gazed at Baran. She wanted to reach out and touch her, tell her to pull the car over. She wanted to ask, I know, but why? But she had asked too many questions already, she didn’t want to push Baran away. She wanted her here.

More than anything.

“Thank you,” she remembered whispering, but then she fell asleep.

***

“Trinity,” Baran hushed into her ear, pressing soft lips against her shoulder and up to her jaw. Trinity tilted her head back, grabbing a fistful of Baran’s hair, lips parted and releasing faint sighs. Baran licked and nipped at the sensitive skin on her neck. “Trinity,” Baran rasped  again. “Trinity, Trinity, Trinity…”

***

“Trinity,”

She blinked open her eyes to be met with Baran’s dark ones. The air around her was completely still, and Baran was leaning toward her, gently squeezing her shoulder.

“Hey,” she said gently. “We’re at your apartment.”

“Oh, sorry,” Trinity mumbled and rubbed her eyes with her fists. “How long was I out?”

A sexual dream about Baran with Baran next to her. Like, literally right next to her. Fantastic.

“Maybe twenty, thirty minutes,” Baran said. “I wanted to let you sleep.”

“God, sorry,” Trinity said again. 

“Don’t be. I would’ve let you sleep for longer, but you sounded like you were having a bad dream.”

“What?” Trinity asked. “I wasn’t.”

That was for sure. Not anywhere close to a bad dream. 

“Oh,” Baran said.

Trinity felt the color drain from her face. “Did I say something?”

“No.” Baran looked as if she were trying not to smile. 

“I was making noise?”

“Only a little.”

Trinity bit down hard on her bottom lip and blinked away. She was mortified. She had been moaning aloud during her dream where Baran Al-Hashimi, the woman sitting right beside her, was kissing her neck. What. The. Fuck.

“Do you need anything?”

“No,” Trinity answered quickly, relieved that Baran had moved past her noisy nap. “Thanks. Really, thanks for this. It helped.”

“Good.” Baran nodded. “I’m glad to hear it. Anytime.”

Despite how embarrassed she was, Trinity still found herself trying to come up with an excuse to invite Baran upstairs. Of course, there wasn’t one. It would be downright weird to ask her to come inside. 

She watched Baran flex and unflex her hand.

Trinity pursed her lips into a smile. “Night,” she said.

“Goodnight, Trinity.”

She let the wave of Baran’s sharp enunciation of her first name wash over her. She reached for the door handle. 

Then she abruptly turned to face Baran again.

“Are you sick of me yet?”

Baran’s eyes widened for only a second before narrowing back to normal. “Of course not.”

“We could keep hanging out,” Trinity said. She chose to let the words tumble out before she could think about them. 

Baran’s stare was locked on her.

Then she smiled.

Trinity wasn’t sure if she had ever seen Baran smile with her teeth. It was normally closed, tight-lipped, sometimes only the corner raising ever so slightly. But she was smiling for real. And it made everything inside of Trinity light up. She would chase the high forever, now, of making Dr. Al-Hashimi beam like that. She was sure of it.

“‘Hang out’? What does that entail?”

Trinity threw her palms in the air and let them hit hard against her thighs. “We could watch a movie. Or just talk. I don’t know. Whitaker is away with his farm girl and I have no one to hang out with. You can just say no, you know.”

“I don’t want to say no.”

Well, the problem was that she had almost expected her to.

And Trinity’s apartment was a mess.

And she also just couldn’t conceptualize the idea of Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi being in her space. Before last weekend, she had never even known Baran outside the hospital realm. And now Baran was going to be in her house. Immediately following a dream where Baran was kissing up her neck, lest we forget.

“Right. Okay,” Trinity said.

“Okay.”

And that was it. Baran texted her sitter asking her to stay for another couple of hours. 

So that she could spend more time with Trinity.

When they got out of the car, Trinity’s head was a mess. She kept thinking about what the hell she had strewn around her apartment, then she grew anxious about if this was actually a good idea, what would they even talk about? What if she said another fucked up thing to Baran again and ruined this good thing they had going, this thing that was actually bringing Trinity back down to earth for once?

Trinity ran a hand through her hair and looked behind her to smile sheepishly at Baran as they approached the front door. Baran opened it for Trinity, and they walked through the lobby and to the elevator. Trinity felt like she was at work with Baran in step behind her, but now she was under her scrutiny to an even further extent, in the place where she lived and bathed and moaned Baran’s name.

Trinity shook that thought out of her head and pressed seven on the elevator, clenching her jaw and folding her arms over her chest.

“My place is a mess, by the way.”

Something in Baran’s eyes glowed. “Shall our ‘hang out’ consist of me helping to clean your apartment?”

Trinity furrowed her brows. “Why the hell would you wanna do that?” The elevator dinged and opened, and they both walked out. She neglected to inform Baran of how many times she had gotten stuck in that piece of crap. 

“I find cleaning therapeutic.”

Trinity scoffed, keys jingling in her hand. “How?”

“Order can be a beautiful thing, Dr. Santos.”

Trinity laughed and shook her head as she opened the door, flicking on the light switch. “Close your eyes.”

“I will not,” Baran protested. “I’m ready to see my challenge.”

And a challenge it was.

She hadn’t even noticed how bad it was until there was someone else who wasn’t Whitaker in here. Whitaker wasn’t the neatest, either. And he always left the toilet seat up. There wasn’t any trash, there was just… stuff. Hoodies and flannels draped over the couch, a good amount of dishes piled in the sink, books everywhere, pens and hair ties and lip balms and drinking glasses and a puzzle she and Whitaker had abandoned on the coffee table, several mugs on the kitchen counter. Just so much stuff.

“Don’t judge.”

“I’m not judging you,” Baran said, analyzing the space, walking around slowly with her hands clasped behind her back. “You work in an ER and you’re in your twenties. It’s also not too bad. I’ve seen worse, surely.”

Trinity didn’t know what to do while Baran assessed the premises. She stood beside the front door and rocked back and forth on her feet, picking at her thumbnail. 

Baran glanced up at her. “May I?”

“May you…?”

“Clean.”

“There’s no way you were serious about that.”

The corners of Baran’s mouth were raised and she was taking in the room with sparkling excitement. “I’m extremely serious.”

“Dr. Al, I–”

“You can call me Baran. I’m in your home.”

Trinity swallowed. “Baran, you have done a crazy amount for me recently as it is.”

“This would more so be for me,” she said. She picked up one of Trinity’s books and read the back cover.

“That’s a little neurotic.”

Baran brought her gaze up and her eyes were now alight with something new. She looked at Trinity for a moment, a smile sitting quietly on her mouth. Something passed over her face but Trinity had no idea what it was. Then, Baran reached for something on the arm of the chair. Trinity moved closer to see what it was.

Baran dangled Trinity’s lacy black bra in the air and grinned.

Trinity ran over and snatched it out of her grip.

“Oh my god,” she muttered. “I’m sorry.”

Baran was laughing. “On the couch, Trinity?” She shook her head and picked up a hoodie off the ground and began to fold it. “You’re bad.”

Trinity felt her back stiffen. “No! I wasn’t… I… I don’t know how it got there.”

Yes she did. Whitaker hadn’t been home yesterday, either, and Trinity had been… taking photos. So, no, it wasn’t what Baran had thought, but it wasn’t really much better, either…

You’re bad.

Baran tilted her chin upwards and then slowly nodded. “Mhm.”

Trinity pretended that the whole thing didn’t happen. Goodbye. Gone. Wiped. Erased from memory.

“Are you actually folding my clothes?”

“I am.” Baran looked up at her. “Are you going to keep me entertained?”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“You tell me. I’m your guest.”

“My guest is folding my clothes,” Trinity said before sinking into the couch in front of Baran. “I think we’ve already broken tradition.”

Baran’s smirk widened. “I told you, I enjoy this.”

“Yeah, and I told you, you’re neurotic.”

Baran’s mouth was still upturned, but she shot Trinity a look. “Careful.”

She knew she was joking, but her inflection created a pulse between Trinity’s thighs. Everything came back to her at once like a wave crashing onto shore. Baran touching her back in the exam room. Baran saying Maybe you need to be taught a lesson. Baran brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Baran kissing her in her dream, how real it had felt, and Baran sitting next to her the entire time, letting her sleep. Trinity looked up at her, now, still in her black scrubs, her angular jaw, her beautiful hands moving, delicate but with efficiency.

The pulse grew stronger.

Trinity was so fucked.

Chapter Text

Baran cleaned the entirety of Trinity’s kitchen and living room.

Trinity didn’t have trouble believing that Baran loved it. She was hyperfocused, organizing everything into sections, folding all of Trinity’s clothes and sorting them into a neat pile, gathering everything that didn’t have a place into a catch-all bowl. She washed everything and stacked the plates by size in the cabinet, sorted Trinity’s books alphabetically by author’s last name, and then, when there was nothing else left to be done, she started doing the fucking puzzle.

The entire project took her less than forty-five minutes.

It would have taken Trinity weeks.

As Baran cleaned and Trinity tried to help, which really just meant she got in the way and gave up and sprawled out on the couch, they talked. A lot about Baran’s son, Kian, and about the work she did at the VA and in Kabul. Trinity didn’t want to talk about herself. Baran had spent so much time on her, helping her, letting her breathe, Trinity wanted to learn Baran, now. She kept asking Baran questions, trying to dig deeper, but she felt like she could barely scratch the surface of her. Baran’s walls were standing high and unrelenting.

Trinity understood that better than anyone.

So she didn’t press her. No matter how badly she wanted to. 

“For the love of God, put that puzzle piece down,” Trinity said. She was staring up at the stucco ceiling, one leg straight out and draped over the arm of the couch, the other hiked up with her knee in the air.

“I’ve almost finished the perimeter.”

“Your trophy will arrive in the mail shortly.”

Baran shook her head and stood up, walking to the couch and patting Trinity’s knee for her to make room. She quickly did. Baran sat beside her and crossed one leg over the other, leaning back into the corner of the sofa and propping her elbow up on the arm of it.

“Thanks,” Trinity said, trying not to sound schmaltzy. “For tonight.”

Baran nodded. “Happy to help.”

“What time do you need to be home?”

“Soon,” Baran said.

“How soon?”

Baran’s eyes searched Trinity’s whole damn face. “Maybe an hour or so.”

Trinity thought of ways she could make her want to stay for that whole hour. She didn't want to waste a second of it. Who knew when she would be back here? Probably never. She still couldn't believe Baran had said yes to coming over so willingly.

So, Trinity said: “Do you want a glass of wine?”

Baran tilted her head slightly, a small smile beginning to form. “Is it a dry red?”

“Ew, no.”

A slight laugh escaped from Baran’s mouth and Trinity stood up, grabbing two (freshly washed) wine glasses and the bottle. She was just about to head back to the couch when a rush of worry slapped her right in the face. She was about to have a glass of wine with her attending. Was this weird for her to be doing? Was this against some sort of rule? No, people are friends outside of work. People get drinks outside of work. There’s nothing happening here, they’re just two women talking and sharing a drink. Everything’s fine. Baran doesn’t know about all the… extra stuff. And she never will. Everything is completely normal and fine.

With that, Trinity exhaled and brought everything over, pouring wine into both glasses. “Sorry it’s not the disgusting kind.”

Baran actually laughed at that. A full, bright laugh. That beautiful sound combined with Baran’s eyes on her made Trinity so nervous that her hand started to shake and the tip of the bottle knocked into the rim of the glass and it all happened so fast, the glass shattering, the bottle falling and spilling pink liquid everywhere, all over the table and floor.

“Oh, shit.”

“Trinity,” Baran said, her voice raised and serious, standing quickly, grabbing Trinity’s wrist and holding it firmly. Trinity looked down and saw the hand she held was dripping blood.

“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah, come here, honey.”

Blood dribbled onto the floor, leaking through her fingers as Baran led her over to the kitchen sink, keeping Trinity’s hand raised above her heart.

”Easy,” Baran soothed as Trinity tried to get a look at the damage on her hand. “I’ve got you.”

Trinity squeezed her thighs together.

Baran used her free hand to open the drawer full of dish towels and pulled one out, applying pressure to Trinity’s wound with it.

"Keep your hand elevated."

"Yeah."

Baran’s eyes were wide. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Trinity said again.

This time, Trinity scanned Baran’s face. It was her turn to smirk.

“What are you so worried about?”

Baran’s head shot up. “What?”

“It’s a little cut,” Trinity shrugged. Really, the pain meant nothing to her, she was very experienced in dealing with something like this, but Baran didn’t know about all that. Still, she couldn’t believe how freaked out Baran was. The woman had worked in an actual warzone. “We’re both ED doctors. We’ve seen some crazy injuries on people.”

Trinity watched as a muscle in Baran’s jaw jumped.

“Yeah, but not on you.”

Her voice was devastatingly soft. Their faces were close, maybe the closest they had ever been. Trinity’s lips parted, and she tried not to look at Baran’s, tried so hard, it may have been the hardest thing she had ever done, trying not to look at Baran’s mouth.

If only she knew, though. About everything.

Baran swallowed and Trinity could nearly see the lump in her throat. She said, “Keep firm pressure. Where are your tweezers?”

“I don’t even know if there’s glass in it,” Trinity said, moving to lift the cloth with her unharmed hand.

“Don’t,” Baran ordered gently, placing her hand on top of Trinity’s. Trinity stared at her. For once, Baran wasn’t looking at her, she was blinking at the ground, but it only lasted a moment. She pulled her hand off of Trinity’s. “Don’t take it off. You’ll disrupt the clot.”

“Okay,” Trinity breathed.

“Good girl. Now, where are your tweezers? I’ll also need rubbing alcohol and antiseptic. A bandage, of course. You do have a first aid kit, I hope? Is it the bathroom?”

“Um, yeah…”

Wait a second.

What did she say?

Trinity’s body warmed. She felt heat rise heavy in her stomach.

Trinity could only imagine how crazed her eyes looked. A chill ran down her spine and then it went completely rigid. Her pulse was hammering, her ears ringing with static. Two words and her mind went blank.

She couldn’t feel any of the pain in her hand, all she could do was repeat what Baran had just said over and over again in her head, and she did say it, right? She had just slipped it in like it was nothing. Trinity reminded herself that that’s what it was. It was nothing. Older women said it all the time. It didn’t have the connotation that Trinity associated it with.

Baran didn’t say it to turn you on, Trinity told herself. Don’t be ridiculous.

But Baran looked very intensely at her, deep into her eyes, her gaze penetrating as if she were making an assessment of some kind, and then, quickly, something dark flashed in them. They narrowed. They changed. Trinity thought she was seeing things, because it hardly lasted a second, but it was there. It was definitely there.

Baran was doing something with her mouth.

Was she trying not to smile?

Whatever it was, she quickly composed herself. “Stay put, okay?”

”I’ll be here. Bleeding out.”

”Stop it.”

When Baran walked off to look for the supplies, Trinity tried to steady her breath. Her arm was tired from being elevated, so she held her elbow with her other hand, then she turned and leaned her back against the counter.

Her head was spinning in fucking circles.

She didn’t say it to turn you on, she repeated in her head again.

But it had.

Badly.

Baran poked her head out of the bathroom door and motioned Trinity over with two fingers. “Come here.”

Trinity listened. Baran gestured for her to sit on the toilet seat so that Trinity could rest her hand on the sink, still elevated but more comfortable, and a better angle for Baran to examine the laceration. Trinity sighed and tilted her head back.

Baran’s brow arched up. “Still okay?”

“I’m fine.”

It had been long enough, now. Baran needed to see if the bleeding had stopped. She lifted the cloth. “Sorry you didn’t get your wine.”

“I have more,” Trinity said.

“I don’t think you need any, klutz.”

Trinity smiled wide and craned her neck to see the cut. “How is it?”

Baran barely shook her head. “It’s fine.”

“I kinda need my hand. You know, to be a doctor.”

“Shh.” Baran held Trinity’s palm close to her face and carefully examined it. Trinity’s eyes fluttered shut. “Not deep. One little shard of glass in there,” Baran said, sterilizing the tweezers. She pulled it out easily, rinsed the wound with water, cleaned the skin around it, treated it with an antibiotic, and wrapped it in a dressing. Trinity’s heart was still pounding and her breath was thready in response to Baran’s gentle touch, how she held her hand and wrapped the bandage around so gingerly, how tight her jaw got when she was focused.

And because of the other thing, too.

“How’s it feel?”

“Fine. Thanks.”

Trinity looked up at her and shook her hair out of her face. Baran moistened her lips. “All right, good,” she said, and she began to put the supplies away.

“You don’t have to stay,” Trinity said. “I know you need to get home to your son. I’m fine.”

Baran opened her mouth and closed it.

“I can stay for a little longer,” she said. “I have to clean that glass up, at least.”

“I can do that.”

“Absolutely not,” Baran said, tone stern.

Trinity watched her walk out of the bathroom. Really, Trinity wanted her to stay the night, but just having her over for a couple hours was already a miracle. She should really count her blessings. Trinity held her bandaged hand to her face, turning it over and back, admiring Baran’s flawless wrap job. She was such a great fucking doctor, such a great fucking person.

She stood up and leaned against the doorframe, watched Baran wipe the last of the spilled wine with a damp paper towel, curls falling loosely down her back.

A really great fucking person.

Trinity didn’t know what the fuck to do about all of this.

Chapter Text

Baran had been adamant about making sure Trinity was okay.

Trinity had done everything to assure her that she was.

Unless she was entirely delusional, she could have sworn that she saw in Baran’s eyes that she wanted to stay. And Trinity wanted her to stay, too.

But that wasn’t possible. Baran had to get home to her son, and they both had to be up early for work, and a sleepover may have been actually crossing the line of what was an appropriate resident/attending relationship. Maybe it wouldn’t have been if Trinity didn’t acquire a second heartbeat between her thighs when Baran looked at her.

But, alas, she did. No matter how hard she tried to fight it off, her attraction to Baran just boomeranged back stronger with every look, every word, every movement.

Luckily, Baran had no idea about all of that.

But after she had said goodnight, after she had studied Trinity’s features one last time with warm, concerned eyes, after she had gently touched Trinity’s arm with her fingertips in the doorway and said Text me if you need me, her voice low and solemn, Trinity had hopped right into bed, grateful she still had at least one good hand.

***

Whitaker pointed to her hand the next morning.

“What’s that all about?”

“Broken wine glass.”

“You had wine night without me?”

“It’s not my fault you were too busy milking cows.”

Trinity had examined the wound earlier, it was healing fine. She redressed it and, admittedly, Baran had done a much neater wrap job, so now it looked way worse than it was.

“Oh, by the way, our apartment is clean.”

“You cleaned?”

“No, it was the magical cleaning fairy.”

Whitaker blinked at her.

“Really,” she laughed, standing up. “I’m not kidding.”

“I don’t understand.”

“And you never will, Huckleberry,” she said with a pat on his back.

It was at that point she realized she hadn’t seen the magical cleaning fairy all morning, actually. She was usually all around, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ever the early bird. It made Trinity worry at her lip a little. 

“Hey,” Trinity said, turning on her heel. “Have you seen Dr. Al-Hashimi around?”

“Uh, no,” Whitaker replied. “I don’t think so.”

“Huh. She’s usually on my ass by now.”

So Trinity wandered through the hospital whenever she had a free moment, keeping an eye out for Baran, feeling strangely empty without seeing her around. At every turn, she was waiting to see Baran breezing through the doors, or sneaking up behind her, or analyzing the board with her hands clasped behind her back.

The two of them passed through a hallway at the same time, Baran headed one way and Trinity the other, and both women paused in their tracks.

“Where’ve you been?”

Baran tipped her head to the side, eyes narrowing. “Hello to you, too.”

“Hey.”

“What do you mean, where have I been?”

“Just haven’t seen you today.”

Baran checked her watch. “It’s hardly eight.”

Oh God, she was getting clingy.

She was afraid this was going to happen.

In an attempt to save face, Trinity shrugged and said, “Usually you’ve reprimanded me for my charting already.”

Baran licked her lips and looked down, smirking slightly. “I’m going easy on you, due to your recent injury.”

“You don’t have to go easy on me.”

Baran’s eyes dilated, and her head slowly rose upward. “How is it? Your hand?”

“Oh, it’s fine.”

“The bandage looks a little mangled.”

“We can’t all be perfect, Dr. Al-Hashimi.”

Baran opened her mouth but the sound of someone walking through the hallway’s double doors caused her to shut it. Her eyes darted over Trinity’s shoulder, and Trinity was about to turn around, but then she heard Whitaker’s voice behind her.

“Hey, you found her!”

Trinity pressed her lips together and bobbed her head defeatedly at the floor. She didn’t have to look at her to know that Baran was wearing a shit-eating grin. Whitaker brushed by them and waved at Baran, who merely nodded back at him.

“I seem to be quite the hot topic.”

“Yeah, well, I was just looking for you, because…”

Baran cocked an eyebrow as Trinity trailed off. She racked her brain to come up with an excuse, lest she appear to be Dr. Al-Hashimi’s stalker. Which wasn’t technically untrue. She had been waiting to see her all morning and she hadn’t even been at work for an hour.

“Could you rewrap my hand?”

Baran laughed out of the side of her mouth. “I think you’re perfectly capable.”

Trinity raised the hand that looked as if it had been mummified. “Evidently not.”

Baran exhaled a breath and folded her arms over her chest.

“It’s hard to wrap shit with your non-dominant hand, okay?”

“Can you ask nicely?”

Trinity blinked, heart banging against her ribs. She felt a flutter of excitement rise in her chest.

“Dr Al-Hashimi,” she addressed, straightening her posture. “Would you please rewrap my injured hand, so that it no longer looks like it was done by a blind child?”

Baran rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“C’mon, I said please.”

“You’re too much,” Baran said with a smile, leading her out of the hallway and into an empty exam room. Trinity was smiling, too. She thought of how Garcia had also called her too much, how strongly it contradicted the way Baran had just affectionately said it.

Trinity lifted herself onto the bed and held her hand out for Baran. “Hold still,” Baran said as she gingerly unwrapped it, and it practically fell right apart. She watched closely as Baran cleaned and redressed the wound. She held Trinity’s hand so delicately, fingers resting under Trinity’s knuckles.

“How was the rest of your night?” Trinity asked.

“I tucked my son in and went to bed.”

“Riveting.”

Baran shot her a look, and Trinity felt her pulse quicken. Trinity loved making her do that. Baran seemed to have a strong reaction when Trinity talked back, the way she would angle her head and search Trinity’s face as if she were calculating something.

Now she was having fun. Finally, something interesting for her morning.

Trinity watched a crease form between Baran’s brows. “What’s that about?” 

“What?”

“Heart’s racing.”

“No it’s not,” she lied.

“I’m holding your wrist, Trinity.”

Ah, shit. Guilty. Time to change the subject.

“Sucks we didn’t get to drink our wine.”

Baran met Trinity’s gaze. A look of perplexment crossed her face for a moment, and then she softened. “Another time.”

“You mean that?”

“Of course,” Baran said. “I enjoy your company.”

“How about tonight?”

Trinity didn’t really know where this newfound confidence had come from. She felt closer to Baran, now, after their night drive and all the other events of last night. They were friends. They shared a connection that Trinity had been craving.

Baran made her nervous, sure, but that didn’t change the fact that it was in Trinity’s nature to come off strong. Something had shifted, too, in the energy between them, there was an inexplicable ease, that beautiful newfound lightness that comes with growing closer to someone, the feeling of sharing a conversation through only a glance.

She had always had that with Baran, though.

Baran’s mouth had fallen slightly open.

Trinity watched her carefully, searching her expression for something, anything that she could hold onto.

Then, miraculously, Baran’s separated lips curled upward.

“My place this time?”

Holy shit.

She felt her breath pick up. Slow down, bitch, Trinity told herself, She can feel how fast your heart is beating. 

She couldn’t even imagine how beautiful Baran’s house probably was, and the idea of drinking wine on Baran’s couch with her, without any broken glasses and blood? Trinity tried to ignore how badly she wanted to scream yes, yes, yes, I would fucking love that. 

Trying to maintain her composure, all she said was, “I’m not drinking your gross wine.”

Baran breathed out a barely-there laugh. “I’ll buy the kind you like.”

Her voice was low and calm. Trinity felt her own hand twitch under Baran’s touch. Baran noticed, eyeing her for a second.

“Will Kian be there?”

Baran shook her head and finished up her wrap job. “My ex has him on Wednesdays.”

“Oh,” Trinity said, feeling her face warm up. She forced herself not to ask questions about the ex. “I wanted to meet him.”

“You will.”

Trinity tried not to smile too hard.

“I’m glad you asked,” Baran started again. “I get lonely on my days without him. All done,” she said, standing.

“Thanks, Dr. Fixer Upper.”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Baran said with her back turned. “I do need to tend to my actual patients.”

“They’re not as interesting as me, though.”

Baran looked over her shoulder and gave Trinity a once-over, eyes lingering. “You might be right.”

Trinity felt as if her oxygen had just been cut off, head spinning, but she didn’t even have time to freak out about that particular comment, because then Baran put her hand on the door handle and said:

“I’ll see you at eight, Dr. Santos.”

“Oh, I don’t get a say in the time?”

“I’ll make the decisions.”

With nothing else besides a stern look, she left Trinity sitting on the bed, alone in the exam room to hyperventilate. 

***

Naturally, Trinity couldn’t think about anything else besides her planned hangout with Baran.

She smiled to herself while charting, didn’t make any farm jokes to Whitaker, treated her patients with a grin, refrained from rolling her eyes when she passed Langdon, held her tongue from spewing any sarcastic comments, and constantly checked her watch. It was only noon. End of shift could not possibly come fast enough. 

She had places to be. Baran’s couch, specifically. Which was probably a sectional. She had been imagining the whole thing pretty intently, lost in daydreams about Baran for the better half of her day.

It didn’t even faze her that everyone was looking at her like she had three heads.

“What are you so happy about?” Javadi asked.

“What did you do with Santos?” Whitaker asked.

“Hey, Trinity,” Garcia said.

Oh, fuck.

“Um, hi.”

Garcia had surprised her by hopping into the elevator with her right before the doors closed. Trinity just pursed her lips as politely as possible and folded her hands in front of her, twiddling her thumbs, but Garcia turned to face her.

“Streets say you’re smiley today.”

Trinity inhaled a long breath. “Do they?”

“What’s the reason?”

Trinity shook her head back and forth slowly. “Life is just a miracle, you know?”

“Cut the shit,” Garcia said.

“There’s no shit to cut.”

The elevator doors opened and, of course, what do you know? None other than Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi, looking right at them, as if she knew. Trinity’s jaw dropped a little.

Something darkened in Baran’s expression as she took in the scene, eyes flitting back and forth between the two of them. Trinity had become very well-acquainted with Baran Al-Hashimi’s eyes and expressions at this point, but here? It was an intensity beyond what Trinity had ever seen. Even beyond that day in the exam room. 

And then it was gone.

“Dr. Santos, Dr. Garcia,” Baran greeted with a nod, stepping into the elevator as they walked out of it. Trinity didn’t take her eyes off of her, and Baran was staring deeply into hers, too. She would never get tired of this. As usual, she couldn’t figure out what emotion Baran was wearing. There was only that split second of shadow and then she was fully composed, impossible to read.

Then Baran’s stare switched to Garcia.

It hardened.

“I hope we’re being kind to Dr. Santos,” she said slowly.

Trinity’s eyes widened. Not only did her heart threaten to explode, but she felt that second pulse start to wake up, too. Baran looked back at her for one more brief second before the elevator doors shut, leaving Garcia too shocked and not enough time to retort.

Wow.

Garcia spun her head to glare at Trinity, forehead wrinkling, snapping Trinity out of her Baran-induced trance. “The fuck was that?”

“What?”

“Seriously, Trinity, with the bullshit?”

“She’s my attending. She’s looking out for me.”

Garcia’s voice was raised, her words spat through gritted teeth. “And that look she gave you?”

Trinity bit back a smile. “What look?”

“Like she wanted to—”

“Dr. Garcia,” Whitaker called as he jogged past. “We need you in North 2.”

“Yeah,” Garcia acknowledged, walking backwards and shaking her head at Trinity. She opened her mouth to speak then quickly shut it, holding her palm in the air before turning around.

***

It was nearing the end of her shift, and Trinity’s mood still hadn’t dampened.

Not even when someone’s wound spurted blood all over her scrubs, and that was saying something. She was on top of the world. She hadn’t lost any patients, first off, but also, she would be at Baran’s house in less than two hours.

Trinity kept accidentally reminding herself of Baran reprimanding Garcia and feeling her heart fly up to her throat.

Okay, it wasn’t an accident.

She thought about the moment very deliberately. Replayed it over and over in her head. How Baran had stood up for her without a second thought, how protective she had gotten, how angry it had made Garcia. Trinity had to stop herself from smiling.

It had turned her on, too.

A lot.

She hadn’t even seen Baran much that day besides the moment in the hallway and the elevator, and the five minutes where Baran had fixed up her hand. They assisted on a couple traumas together, but other than that, they had hardly interacted. Still, she was riding the high of those three moments they did share, enough to get her through the day in one piece, and now she could go home and take a long shower and get ready to meet Baran.

At her house.

***

At eight o’clock, Baran Al-Hashimi opened the door looking like a million fucking bucks.

Trinity had left her hair down, the way Baran liked it, and it appeared that Baran had done the same. She had a hand in her curls as she opened the door. She was wearing all black, a tight long sleeve top that just hugged her, paired with wide-legged linen pants. 

“Hello,” Baran said, taking her in, fixed gaze scanning down Trinity’s body. Trinity felt her breath catch. She was wearing an emerald green tank top (that did her a few favors) and a dark gray pair of those early 2000s style low-waisted sweats. She didn’t want to appear to be trying too hard, but she still wanted to look more than presentable for Baran. Because of this. Because of Baran’s eyes trailing down the entire length of her. 

Baran created more space. “Come in,” she offered, stepping to the side, but Trinity intentionally brushed their shoulders together as she walked. She took off her shoes and looked up.

Yeah. This was exactly what she had envisioned.

The lighting was dim and warm, no fluorescents, only lamps, amber everywhere. There were plants at every corner, shelves and shelves of books that lined the walls, a beautiful brick fireplace, framed oil paintings, a large crimson Persian rug, and a stick of incense burning on the coffee table that made the space smell like sweet sandalwood. And, just as she expected, a large sectional beige couch right in the center of the room, several throw blankets draped neatly over it.

It was all so Baran. 

“Your house is beautiful,” Trinity marveled, looking up at the high ceilings. “Just like I pictured it.”

“You’ve been picturing it?”

“I have a very active imagination.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Baran said. “Sit down, make yourself at home. I got your wine.”

She listened, taking a spot right in the middle, sitting criss-cross. It felt like sinking into a cloud. She didn’t even want to think about how expensive this couch probably was. She watched the smoke from the incense cascade and swirl up into the air, Baran taking over her mind, taking over everything.

Baran brought two glasses over, two separate bottles. “I think I’ll do the pouring,” she remarked with a sly grin.

“Ha-ha. Very funny. I’m maimed, you know?”

Baran handed Trinity her filled glass before beginning to uncork her own bottle, and the view of that strong, sharp jaw made Trinity’s breath hitch in her throat. 

“I know,” Baran said. “I was there.”

“Yeah, you took care of me.”

Baran flickered her eyes up to Trinity. She looked as if she wanted to say something but was holding back. She did that a lot. Under Baran’s gaze, Trinity took a big swig of  liquid courage.

Baran exhaled a laugh. “Thirsty?”

She sat down beside Trinity, one leg folded under her, taking a sip of her own wine. Trinity could hardly contain herself. Baran, in this warm lighting, hair down and in all black, so close to her. She looked beautiful. Their legs were inches apart.

“Thanks for inviting me here,” Trinity said.

“I’m glad you came.” Baran leaned her elbow against the back cushion, holding her glass by the rim. “So, was she kind to you?”

Trinity swallowed a smile, knowing immediately what Baran was referring to, replaying the interaction in her mind for the thousandth time that day. “You pissed her off.”

Baran lifted a brow. “Did I?”

“Yeah. Thank God.”

Baran lifted the glass to her lips. “I find her behavior to be alarmingly unprofessional.”

“She said you gave me a look.”

“A look?”

Right after she spoke, a crack of thunder bursted outside. They both looked toward the window as the rain started to fall, loud and heavy, the sound filling Trinity’s ears and calming her even more than she already was. Everything felt so serene. She got deja vu of that night, that first night in Baran’s car, Baran walking up to her as Trinity sat in the rain.

She turned her focus back to Baran, whose eyes were already on her. Glass in one hand, the index knuckle of the other was trailing up and down her own jaw.  Every movement she made was so calculated, so sensual. Trinity felt her lips part. Baran tilted her head down ever-so-slightly and Trinity watched, dazed, as a small smile formed on her perfect mouth. She took another sip of wine.

A look.

Trinity felt familiar heat blooming between her legs. Finished her glass.

“Easy, tiger,” Baran said. Her voice was deeper than usual, resonant. Sexy. Trinity reached for the bottle.

“Tomorrow’s my day off,” Trinity said flippantly as she poured. 

“You deserve it,” Baran said. “You were good today.”

Trinity glanced away, feeling suddenly shy. “Yeah?”

Because of you, she wanted to say.

“Absolutely.”

Baran stared intently at her as if to make her believe it.

“Thanks, Baran.”

“Taste mine,” Baran offered, holding her glass out. Trinity tried not to focus on the small lipstick stain that Baran had left on the opposite side of the rim. “Maybe you’ll like it.”

“I won’t.” Trinity took the glass anyway.

Trinity took a sip. Made a face. Handed it back.

“Awful,” she said.

Baran laughed quietly. Then, she rotated the glass, leaving the lipstick mark to face Trinity and creating a new one on the other side, pressing her lips to the spot that Trinity had.

Trinity blinked.

Her breath shallowed out. Her heart shot right down to her stomach.

The rush of when you accidentally miss a stair.

The tingle of static electricity, everywhere, deep in her abdomen, and Baran’s gaze dark and unrelenting. 

Fuck.

Chapter Text

If there was one thing Baran Al-Hashimi loved, it was control.

She held her head high on her shoulders. She was logical, detail-oriented, principled. Precise. She knew how the world worked, had seen the most brutal horrors of it with her own eyes. She did not sugarcoat, but she did not lack empathy, either, surely not like some of the other doctors she had encountered. She was perfectly composed. She knew every trick in the book when it came to keeping herself in a position of power, how to avoid the overshadowing done by men, had it down to a science, and she was nothing if not a well-oiled machine. 

All of these qualities made her a damn good doctor. 

They did nothing to help, however, when a beautiful younger woman with watercolor green eyes began to lurk in the back of her mind. Maybe more than just lurk. At this point, she practically lived there.

“I presume you like your wine?” Baran asked after Trinity had finished her second glass, which was actually more like her fourth glass, because she had really been topping them off.

“Yeah, thanks for getting it. Yours is disgusting.”

Now, for once, Baran was left not knowing how to confront a situation. She thought Trinity was stunning the first time she had seen her, practically swept Baran off her feet, but it wasn’t until Trinity had opened her mouth that Baran realized how catastrophically screwed she was. Baran could remember so clearly the first time Trinity had talked back to her, all the ideas that raced in Baran’s mind, completely overtaking her. She could usually keep her attraction at bay, but Trinity was so… so smart, so quick, so sure of herself, so unafraid, and she would never try to be anything other than what she was. 

Baran wanted to watch the attitude melt right out of her.

And she wanted to be the reason why.

Baran felt the corner of her mouth raise. “You’re a little bit of a princess, you know.”

Trinity’s face flushed with heat. She knew it would. Baran wondered if Trinity was aware of how noticeable it was when she blushed, but she found it adorable how pink those pouty cheeks got. They had moved an inch closer together since they had first sat down. All Baran wanted to do was lean over, cup Trinity’s soft face in her hands and push her down into the couch and…

Ethics.

“I’m not,” Trinity said.

Baran sipped her own wine. She was starting to feel a little buzz. She didn’t drink very often. “Yes, you certainly are.”

“How?”

“I think you know exactly how.”

Trinity leaned her head against the back cushion and blinked slowly at Baran. God, she was the cutest thing she had ever seen, and she looked devastating in this light. Baran loved her with her hair down, loved watching her run a hand through it. She wanted so badly to reach out and touch her, but she could only do so in the most indirect of ways, and she had hoped Trinity would notice what she did with the wine glass. Judging by Trinity’s wide-eyed expression and how rapidly her chest began to rise and fall, Baran was almost certain she had made an impression.

But alas, relationship between attending and resident was an abuse of power, she knew. There was no way for this to work in an ethical sense, even though she saw it, she saw how Trinity’s spine went rigid when she praised her or ordered her around, felt it when she pressed a hand against her back. She had always been observant, but, to be fair, Trinity had a tendency to show her hand.

“And I think I’m drunk,” Trinity slurred. She ran a hand loosely through her hair. 

“Why don’t you drink some water?”

“I don’t want any,” Trinity said, ignoring the cup that Baran had brought for her after the bottle was half gone.

“Why don’t you lie down, then?”

“No, I’m having fun.”

Baran eyed Trinity’s bottle of wine that now barely had enough for another glass. It worried her a little, but at least Trinity was safe here with her. She wanted Trinity to be able to relax, and better here than at some bar. Or with someone else. Baran did not like to acknowledge how much the thought of someone else touching Trinity bothered her, as if she had any right. The sight of her and Garcia in the elevator this afternoon? Baran had seen nothing but red.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Baran said.

Baran was surprised when Trinity scooted even closer to her, hand falling onto her knee. Her jaw clenched at the touch. She loved to catch Trinity off guard with a seemingly unassuming hand on her back or a squeeze of her shoulder, but Trinity didn’t do it on her own very often, so it was a bolt out of the blue for Baran. Of course, she refused to show it. Instead, she simply searched Trinity’s face, and Trinity searched hers. They did not speak for several moments.

“How do you do it?” Trinity asked quietly.

Baran tilted her head. “Do what?”

“Keep your cool.”

Baran smiled slowly. “Robo-Doc does what Robo-Doc does best.”

Trinity groaned and covered her face with her hands. “Don’t bring that up.”

“I will embrace Robo-Doc, thank you very much.”

“Seriously,” Trinity said. “How?”

”I’m older than you,” Baran answered. “I’ve had more practice at keeping my cool.”

“I’m tired of practicing.”

Baran exhaled slowly, resisted the urge to push back a strand of Trinity’s hair that hung down beside her mouth. She wasn’t sure how much longer she would last without touching her, not with her this close. Her eyes switched down to Trinity’s hand that cupped her knee.

“It’s worth it,” Baran said gently, looking back at Trinity. “And you did very well today.”

Baran then watched Trinity’s eyes fill with light.

“What did I do well?”

Baran tried not to let her grin widen, but it was difficult. It was cute to watch her ask for praise so blatantly. “Well, I heard you were on your best behavior. And you handled all of your patients perfectly. I hardly had to assist you.”

A small smile formed on Trinity’s lips. That little dimple nearly killed Baran.

Then she laid her head down on Baran’s thigh.

Oh.

Baran looked up at the ceiling, fluttered her eyes shut, held her hands in the air for a moment.

Ethics, ethics, ethics.

But no one was around. The hospital wasn’t here. In Baran’s living room, they weren’t resident and attending, they were just two women who enjoyed each other’s company. There was still technically no breach of morality. A head on a thigh is not a violation. She was tipsy, Trinity was drunk, maybe they would forget all about it, anyway. It would be like it never happened. No harm no foul. 

So, Baran allowed her rigidity to liquify, just a little. She let one hand fall onto Trinity’s back, the other moving through the silk of her hair, and Baran could feel her entire body breathe out, just at the ability to touch Trinity. She released a low hum without meaning to. She rubbed slowly up and down the length of Trinity’s back, and when her fingertips caught on the bare midriff between her tank and sweats, Trinity shuddered slightly beneath her. 

Baran tried not to lose her mind, her control. 

“You’re so good at this,” Trinity mumbled. “I feel so good with you.”

God, Trinity was drunk. And saying stuff like that, as if she were trying to drive Baran crazy, trying to break her down. Baran soaked up every second of this while she could before the line in the sand would inevitably be drawn. She knew Trinity wasn’t thinking straight, she would never do this sober. Baran massaged Trinity’s head with her fingers, and she heard Trinity sigh a delicate “mm,” which made Baran angle her head back, close her eyes, and focus very adamantly on her own breath. 

She had just been complimented on her restraint. Ironic.

The only appropriate thing Baran could say was, “Good.”

“I like when you say that.”

“I can tell.”

Trinity lifted her head up. “What?”

Baran looked fixedly at Trinity, her voice soft. “How subtle do you think you are, Santos?”

Speaking of subtlety, Trinity was definitely staring at Baran’s mouth. Now Baran was really digging herself into a hole. This couldn’t happen, it was wrong, factually wrong, extremely frowned upon, it could jeopardize both of their careers. She would be taking advantage of her. It wasn't right. Baran reined it in, even though it was truly the last thing she wanted to do. She gently pushed Trinity’s head back down and continued to stroke her hair. 

Trinity said, “I’m going to hate myself tomorrow.”

“Try not to worry about tomorrow.”

“You’re really nice to me.”

Baran exhaled a laugh, because it seemed such an arbitrary comment, completely out of nowhere, until she quickly realized it wasn’t very funny. Trinity was practically blown away by the compassion that Baran extended toward her, as if her feelings had never before been prioritized in that way. It made Baran’s heart ache. She wanted to wrap Trinity in her arms so badly, settle her, make her feel worthy. She tried to, in other ways. She could only hope she was getting across.

“You deserve kindness, Trinity.”

Trinity adjusted her position so that she was looking up at the ceiling, dark hair spilling over Baran’s lap. Baran gazed down at her, the wine beginning to hit her a little bit deeper. Without thinking, she slid her hand down and slowly swiped her thumb across Trinity’s cheek, fingertips resting against her neck.

Still no violation.

“I don’t know if I do.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you do.”

“I’m not always kind to people.”

“I see right through all of that,” Baran said with a smile, and Trinity’s eyes switched to meet hers. “It’s not out of a lack of kindness. You’re only protecting yourself.”

“It doesn’t get me anywhere,” Trinity spoke, voice breaking. “I get hurt anyway.”

Baran watched Trinity’s eyes start to well up.

And then it all poured out of her.

“Oh, honey,” Baran sighed, tone laced with concern, pulling Trinity up to look at her head-on. The shift caused even more tears to leak out, and Baran held her face, swept them away with her thumbs, brushed her hair behind her ears.

Baran could tell this had been building up for a while. She needed the release. Trinity forced herself to be so strong, and Baran knew that she was, but it got to a point where she was trying not to be human.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Baran soothed.

Trinity squeezed her eyes shut. “Fuck.”

“I’m right here. You’re okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Trinity mumbled. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m so drunk.”

“Shh.” Baran wiped a stubborn tear out of the corner of her eye. “It’s all right, sweet girl.”

She hadn’t even really meant to say it. For someone who was so calculated, these things just tended to slip out sometimes when she was around Trinity. She loved speaking to her like that, and she loved times like now, when she could feel the reaction it drew out of Trinity, could feel her bones ease up a little, thawing some of that tension she held onto so strongly. 

Baran moved her grip down to Trinity’s uncovered shoulders and methodically ran her hands up and down her skin. She wished there was more she could do for her. She couldn’t help but feel honored, privileged, that Trinity felt comfortable enough to cry in front of her. Even if she was drunk, it still meant something.

“I asked you,” Trinity breathed out, throat trapped with salt. “I asked you why you care.”

Baran desperately searched her face. “What?”

“I asked why you care about Garcia, but I wanted to ask why you care about me.”

Baran’s heart completely sank. Her hands travelled back up and across Trinity’s neck, returning to her face.

“It’s not difficult to care about you, Trinity. I don’t want you to ever think like that.”

Trinity blinked up at the ceiling, trying to manage the tears. Then she tried to laugh and said, “Jesus, I’m fucked. I can’t believe I have to drive home.”

Baran shook her head. “I’ll drive you home.”

“I don’t want to go home.”

Baran wondered if Trinity had really heard what she had said, if she had digested it. She didn’t want it to slide right past. She didn’t want her to brush it off. 

Baran leaned her head down to get a better look at her. “You don’t have to,” she said.

Trinity’s eyes journeyed down to Baran’s mouth again. They were inches apart. Baran couldn’t help but let her gaze fall onto Trinity’s rosy lips, too, with her face still in her hands.

Baran inhaled heavily and forced herself to stand up, ripped herself away from it. She was going to lose it, she knew, she was sure of it. She had to stop. She picked up the glass of water, placed it in Trinity’s hands. Her brow furrowed when she noticed how hard they were quivering, water threatening to splash out.

“Honey,” Baran worried, standing over her, taking back the glass. “You’re shaking like a leaf.”

“Wine gives me the shakes.”

“Is that your expert medical opinion?”

“I really don’t want to be a doctor right now.”

A tug at the corner of Baran’s mouth. “Here,” she breathed, steadying her with a hand on her shoulder. “Tilt your head back for me.”

She knew this was a bad idea. A horrible idea. The worst idea she’d had, maybe ever. But she wanted to help Trinity, and she couldn’t possibly help herself. She needed to see it. They had already been too close tonight, what was one more thing?

And Trinity had listened, tilted her head back just like she was told to. What else could she do when Trinity listened so well?

Baran held Trinity’s chin between her forefinger and thumb, keeping her jaw steady. She pressed the cool glass to her lips and gently poured water into her mouth. She watched Trinity’s throat, absentmindedly moistened her own lips, tried not to lose herself. 

“Good,” Baran said deeply, hearing the shift in her own tone. “Good job.”

When Baran took the glass away, Trinity was looking up at her, lids half-closed. Baran could feel herself breathing heavily.

There was a stray droplet of water on Trinity’s lip. Baran fought very hard against the urge to swipe her thumb across it.

She turned sharply, no choice other than to look away, rolling her shoulders back, tightening her jaw, trying to clench her hands into fists as subtly as possible.

She was losing it. It was all going to crumble very quickly.

“I’ll be right back,” Baran said, trying to gain back the measure in her voice, purposefully avoiding stealing a glance at Trinity. She had no idea what she would do if she saw those eyes looking up at her like that again.

She didn’t want to leave Trinity alone for even a second, but she really needed to catch her breath. She stepped out onto her back porch and felt the cool air against her skin. She hoped it would snap her out of this, but it hardly did. The alcohol coursed through her blood.

She grabbed onto the railing, letting her head hang down, closing her eyes. She blocked out all the images of Trinity in her mind and all the ones she had been forming in her imagination, even when she wasn’t around. She is your resident. Baran repeated it over and over until she remembered. 

She is your resident.

Chapter Text

Trinity was royally fucked.

She blinked her eyes open and first saw a blinding light, this was the worst migraine she had gotten in months, for sure, and then as her focus adjusted, a brick fireplace came into view. Bookshelves. Paintings. There was a blanket wrapped around her.

Where the fuck…

Oh, shit.

Her body shot up, which was a horrible idea. She tightened her grip on the couch and tried to steady her spinning head, hunched over, watching the symbols on Baran’s rug amalgamate and swirl. She might’ve still been drunk.

“Shit,” she muttered to herself, dragging a hand down her face.

She did not remember falling asleep. She did not remember much of last night, actually, but for some reason her eyes stung. “Shit, shit, shit,” she kept mumbling, standing up with a wince as the light streaming through the windows hit her vision. 

All evidence of last night had been erased, the coffee table was clear besides a refilled glass of water, which Trinity picked up and chugged. She held her hand over her mouth for a moment lest it all come back up. She swore again.

With one eye closed, she walked slowly around the house, unsure of where Baran was. She pulled the curtain back and saw that Baran’s car was, in fact, still in the driveway. But the house was quiet. Trinity wondered if she should take it upon herself to explore, if that would be an invasion of Baran’s privacy…

Fuck it.

She padded up the stairs, glanced around, poked her head in. The door to Baran’s bedroom was slightly ajar, and Trinity rapped her knuckles against it, waiting for a moment. There was only stillness. She pushed the door open with her fingertips and was met with an empty room. She had never claimed to not be nosy.

Baran had a big bed with crisp off-white sheets and a gorgeous wooden headboard. Trinity wanted to take her time, but knowing Baran, she would be behind her shoulder any minute now. So, Trinity quickly took in everything else she could, even more books, framed photos of her son (who was adorable and had her eyes), the elegant bottles of perfume on her dresser, the reading glasses and vase of dried flowers on her nightstand, the small silver tray that held hand lotion and lipstick and a pair of wired headphones.

Trinity held onto the door jamb for a moment, soaking it all in with a small smile, just for another second before making her way back downstairs. She continued to wander, and it wasn’t until she saw the French patio doors at the back of the house that she knew exactly where Baran was.

She peeked through the glass and saw her, now in a mock-necked cream tank and black trousers, one leg crossed over the other, an open book in her lap, one hand reaching over and massaging her shoulder.

Oh, wow.

Trinity inhaled a long breath.

She opened the door.

“Jesus, it’s bright out here.”

Baran startled, only a little, blinking up at her. She softened very quickly. “I was just going to check on you.”

“I’m sorry I crashed here,” she said earnestly. “I don’t even remember.”

Baran looked so fucking beautiful. The sunlight was hitting her hair, illuminating the highlights in her curls. Her skin was glowing, eyes bright, lashes curled. Her lips were naturally the prettiest shade of pink. Trinity hadn’t been prepared for this, to see Baran in this way, in her natural habitat with the gleam of the morning surrounding her. Trinity thought Baran had been making her head spin before, but now she was reeling.

“Don’t worry about it. Sit down. Did you sleep well?”

“Um, yeah.” Trinity pulled one of the patio chairs out and took a seat across from her, wiping her eyes. “I think so. Your couch is comfy.”

Baran picked up her coffee mug. It had a cursive letter ‘B’ on it. Trinity tried not to smile.

”I’m glad,” Baran said over the rim of her mug. “You looked pretty comfortable.”

Trinity rolled her eyes at herself. “Thanks for the blanket.”

Baran nodded. “There’s more coffee in the kitchen, if you want some,” she said. “Sorry, I don’t have cold foam.” She shook her head and blinked, baffled. “And whatever else you put in there.”

Trinity laughed. “Thanks.”

Baran held out her mug as an offer.

”What’s in it?”

“Coffee.”

“And?”

“Coffee.”

”No way.”

Baran grinned. Whenever she smiled like that, full and with her teeth, Trinity’s heart knocked against her chest so hard she thought it would burst right out.

”At least you tried the wine,” Baran said.

”What wine?”

A line formed between Baran’s brows. “Last night, you tasted my wine.”

”I don’t remember that. Did I like it?”

Baran shook her head and laughed a “No.”

“Damn,” Trinity said under her breath. How much happened last night? She could hardly remember a thing. “When did I pass out?”

Baran’s gaze dropped for a moment, and Trinity could have sworn she watched her jaw tighten. “I came back from the bathroom and you were out. It was maybe eleven.”

Trinity shook her head in disbelief with herself, ran a hand through her hair. “I really don’t remember any of last night.”

Baran’s chest rose and Trinity watched. It was hard not to look. 

Baran angled her head slightly down. “What do you remember?”

Trinity searched far back in her mind, retraced her steps. She could recall sitting on the couch and talking with Baran, but she couldn’t recount specific moments of the conversation, what had they even talked about? Work, probably? Maybe? She thought she could remember asking Baran for advice about something, something to do with…

Oh, God.

There was no way. This could not be happening. Trinity squeezed her eyes shut and covered her face with her hands. 

“Did I cry?” she asked, muffled.

She parted her fingers to look through them and read Baran’s expression, who had only pursed her lips and relaxed them into a knowing smile.

Trinity dropped her hands and let them fall flat against the table. “Oh my God, did I?”

“You were very drunk.”

“Oh my God,” she repeated, mortified.

“Trinity,” Baran said, reaching out and grabbing hold of Trinity’s wrist. Trinity felt her skin light up and travel all the way down. Jesus, she only touched your wrist. Calm the fuck down. It’s too fucking early to be turned on.

“Don’t worry. I mean it. I’m no stranger to tears.”

Baran ran her thumb gently back and forth over Trinity’s skin. Trinity tried to let it soothe her, but she was losing her fucking mind. Who knows how else she had embarrassed herself with Baran last night? She knew it would probably all come back to her in flashes throughout the day, but she didn’t want it to, she wanted to be blissfully unaware, what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.

All of that paired with this drop-dead-gorgeous woman in front of her dressed like that, who was gingerly touching her and smiling softly at her, whose house she was in and had slept over at, who she had a huge devastating mind-numbing crush on, was causing Trinity’s brain to completely short-circuit. 

Trinity breathed out and just pushed it all to the back of her mind. It was the only thing she could do.

“Are you going somewhere?” Trinity asked.

Baran cocked her head to the side. “Why do you ask?”

“You just look nice.”

Baran’s smile widened. Yeah, Trinity still loved doing that. “Thank you,” she said. “I have a few errands to run, and I’m taking my son out to eat when he’s done with school.”

“I’ll get out of your hair.”

“What’s the hurry?”

Baran was practically forcing Trinity to look at her, with those beautiful dark eyes. The corner of her mouth was still slightly raised.

“Haven’t I already overstayed my welcome?”

“Haven’t I told you that I enjoy your company?”

Trinity tried not to let her face completely flush, but she had no say in the matter. She looked down at her hands and bit down on her lip to hold back a giddy smile.

Baran tilted her chin up. “Unless you’d like to leave.”

“I wouldn’t,” Trinity said quickly.

Baran searched her face with a pleased expression. “Well, then that’s settled.”

“Do you have an extra toothbrush?”

Baran exhaled a laugh and leaned back. “Yes.”

The sun shining against Baran’s shoulders, how smooth and radiant her skin looked, her wrist draped over her knee, a gold bracelet catching the light. Everything about her was so graceful. Trinity was being driven completely insane. 

“Could I maybe take a shower?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks,” Trinity sighed. “I feel disgusting."

Baran stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. “You don’t look it. Come on, let me show you everything.”

Trinity was probably, definitely, blushing. Baran led her upstairs and Trinity had to stare down very hard at the steps rather than what was walking in front of her. She also had to pretend like she hadn’t already explored this part of the house. Still, there was so much to it, so many little details, so much ephemera to look at, it pretty much felt like the first time, anyway. 

The bathroom was attached to Baran’s bedroom, and they both stood beside the shower, which was huge and a sophisticated brown marble. Baran turned the water on, adjusted and held her hand under it until she was satisfied with the temperature, grabbed a fresh towel and washcloth and a packaged toothbrush out of the closet and set it all aside on the countertop for Trinity.

“Use whatever you’d like in the shower, too.”

“Thank you.”

Baran turned and looked so deeply into Trinity’s eyes that she actually felt all the breath get sucked out of her. She registered a strange closeness with her now, too, even closer than before during that shift in energy, but she had no idea why. She was starting to wish she could remember more of last night. Baran seemed to know something.

“I’ll find something for you to wear.”

God, she was just so fucking perfect. And she looked so fucking perfect. Trinity was still so unaware of what it felt like to be taken care of in this way. She wanted to fight against it, tell Baran that she was fine, that she didn’t need all of these extra things. But she couldn’t help but bask in it and let Baran care for her, even in small ways, and Trinity had a strange feeling that Baran preferred it this way.

“Seriously, thank you,” Trinity said, although no amount of saying thank you would be enough. “For everything.”

Baran squeezed Trinity’s shoulder in response and walked out, quietly closing the door behind her.

The first thing she did was brush her teeth the hardest she ever had, until foam dripped down her chin.

Trinity felt a little odd stripping down in Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi’s bathroom, but at the same time, she felt weirdly safe in a way she never had before. She stuffed her old clothes into the backpack she had left work with, and then she stepped into the shower and breathed out the biggest sigh of relief she had in a while. The water pressure was amazing, of course she had one of those fancy rainfall showerheads, and when Trinity’s eyes fell upon the built-in shelves, she laughed a little to herself and shook her head.

Baran had just about every type of body care you could imagine. Scrubs, hair masks, shaving oil, bars of soap with pressed dried flowers. Trinity made a mental note to look up how expensive her shampoo and conditioner were, they were in the fanciest glass bottles she had ever seen, and her body wash smelled incredible, dark and floral and warm. Trinity felt like she was at a fucking spa.

She got out and wrapped the towel around herself, feeling rejuvenated, stretching her neck a little. She wanted to live here. She looked at herself in the steamy mirror, zhushed her wet hair around, patted her damp cheeks.

Baran was perched on her bed waiting for her when Trinity got out. She glanced up from her phone, and something fell over her expression. 

“You could run a meth lab with all those products.”

Baran didn’t answer. She just stared at her, searching. A muscle in her jaw twitched. Trinity furrowed her brow and walked closer to her.

“Hey, that deserved a laugh,” Trinity said.

All Baran managed was a very breathy, “Yeah.”

“Are you good?”

Baran cleared her throat and stood up, stepping back slightly from Trinity, hand fluttering over her heart. “I’m fine,” she answered, but she was no longer looking at her. She didn't seem fine.

That may have been the least composed Trinity had ever seen Baran Al-Hashimi be.

“Are you sure?” Trinity reached out to touch Baran’s arm, but she was already moving away from her.

“Are you feeling better?” Baran asked, ignoring Trinity’s question.

”Yeah.” Trinity was still very confused. She chose to let it go. “Much.”

“Good. Here,” Baran said. “I thought you would like this.”

She handed her two perfectly folded articles of clothing. One was a pair of sweat-shorts and the other was a loose dark gray Tracy Chapman tee.

“This is sick,” Trinity admired. “You have great music taste. Is it old?”

Baran laughed a little.

“I wasn’t calling you old.”

“Sure you were. But, yes, it’s from 2008. I was at that concert, and you were nine.”

“I really wasn’t calling you old,” Trinity clarified.

“I’m well aware that I’m older than you.”

There was a distinction in Baran’s tone, a certain lilt when she said that, one that Trinity couldn’t quite place. She could almost feel Baran’s voice growing lower, deepening as the conversation continued. 

“Tracy Chapman,” Trinity commended, looking up at her. “You surprise me every day, Dr. Al-Hashimi.”

“Likewise, Dr. Santos.”

Trinity thought, for a split second, that Baran’s gaze had fallen onto Trinity’s exposed upper chest, her collarbone that glistened with moisture, the area of cleavage where the towel was folded. Her breath caught. Even if Baran had been looking, she was meeting her eyes a quick moment later. 

“Do you have an appetite?” Baran asked.

“Yeah, a little.”

Baran nodded. “I’ll make you something light. And we’ll get you a milkshake, too. I mean coffee.”

Trinity’s face hurt from how hard she was smiling. Actually, her entire face was on fire. The way Baran spoke just made sparks burst all over her.

“Go ahead and get changed. I’ll be downstairs.”

“Thank you,” Trinity said, for the thousandth time that morning. “You’re the best.”

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, Trinity.”

“I do, though,” Trinity said. “You’re really nice to me.”

Something changed once she said that. Baran inhaled slowly. While she studied Trinity’s face, her eyes darkened, just like it had a moment ago when Trinity had greeted her out of the shower.

Baran placed her hand on Trinity’s toweled waist and leaned in closer to her.

Trinity nearly blacked out.

Her lids grew heavy. She felt that familiar electricity shoot up her spine, between her legs, all over.

Baran had never touched her there. It felt like a thousand little pinpricks of pleasure, just having her hand rest on her waist.

Trinity almost made a sound.

Was Baran about to...

Baran brought her thumb to Trinity’s eyebrow and swiped away a water droplet that had gotten caught. Rubbed her thumb between her index finger. Smiled softly, knowingly, down at Trinity. Squeezed her waist a little.

“You’re adorable,” Baran said, her voice low and velvety.

Her fingertips brushed against Trinity’s stomach as they fell. It didn’t feel like an accident. Not to Trinity, at least, who could still feel the touch lingering in every area, every corner of her body, who was having trouble catching her shaky breath.

And then Baran walked away. 

Trinity heard the door close but she did not move.

Chapter Text

“How is it?”

“Great,” Trinity said through a mouthful of food. 

She was hungrier than she had thought. It doesn’t help when there’s a farm boy eating all the food in the house that actually contains nutrients. Baran had made her avocado toast with over-easy eggs and berries, and she wondered if Baran had known how grateful Trinity was to actually get her hands on an avocado. Of course, Baran Al-Hashimi had an espresso machine, so the coffee was amazing after she diluted it with almond milk (she didn’t have oat) until it was practically beige.

“Do you have any hot sauce?”

Baran nodded, opening the fridge and handing her a bottle. Trinity drizzled it everywhere. Baran watched her, arms folded over the island counter, a small smile playing on her lips.

Trinity paused her chewing. “What?”

“That’s a lot of hot sauce.”

“Yeah, I’m fiery.”

Baran’s smile widened. “That you are.”

“You don’t seem to mind.”

“I’d say you’re a good judge of character, then.”

Trinity glanced up at her. Baran was looking at her shirt, which wasn’t even her shirt, it was Baran’s, and something was glistening in her eyes. Trinity suddenly felt… she didn’t know what she felt, actually, but her thoughts were spiraling. 

She thought of getting wine drunk with Baran, she thought about the things she couldn’t remember, she thought about the way Baran hadn’t answered her in the bedroom, how her jaw had tightened and her eyes had glazed over, she thought about how Baran had touched her waist, how she had called her adorable, so low and resonant, and now she was making her breakfast, and Trinity was wearing her shirt, and Baran was looking at her like that, and…

Baran’s phone was ringing. She looked down at it and frowned.

Trinity’s mind record scratched and returned to the bedroom.

Baran held up a finger and mouthed something to her, stepping out onto the patio. “Hello? Yes, this is she,” was all Trinity could hear before she closed the door, and Trinity studied Baran’s expressions through the paneled glass.

The bedroom.

Trinity watched Baran rub the back of her neck and purse her lips. She ran a hand through her curls and held it there as she slowly paced back and forth. Every move she made, Trinity was entranced. She could watch her forever.

There was no way Baran had been acting weird because of Trinity, right? That would be crazy. Baran was unflappable. Trinity in a towel sure as hell wouldn’t be the thing to make Baran Al-Hashimi lose her composure.

But what if it was?

Now Baran was wearing a tight-lipped smile, and Trinity could tell it was fake. She knew what her real smile looked like. 

She knew it very well. 

Trinity bit down on her lip. What would Baran do if…

Baran hung up the phone and opened the door.

“Well,” she said resolutely. “Looks like Kian and I aren’t going on our little outing today.”

“Oh no.” Trinity spun herself on the stool to face her, holding her glass of coffee. “Why not?”

“He’s going straight to his friend’s for a sleepover,” Baran said, crossing over to Trinity and resting her forearm against the counter. “That was the boy’s mother. I’m not very fond of her.”

“I could tell.”

A line formed between Baran’s brows. “You could tell?”

Yeah, Trinity, how are you gonna get out of this one? Tell her you’ve memorized her facial expressions and you’re obsessed with figuring out what she’s thinking, like, all the fucking time? Sure, why the hell not. Let’s just let it all burn.

Trinity took a sip of coffee. “Your smile was fake.”

Baran exhaled an incredulous laugh. 

“I’m good at reading people,” she continued. “It’s kind of, like, what you have to do when you grow up in a house like mine.”

Baran’s face shifted and hardened. Trinity recognized that look. It was the same look she had given her last night, when…

Oh, shit.

You’re really nice to me.

She had said that. Drunkenly. Staring into Baran’s eyes. And then this morning, she had repeated it, and that’s when something moved over Baran’s expression. That’s when she got all… what was even the word? She just got all dark and assertive and serious, and her tone got lower, and she had said you’re adorable in that voice.

And here she was, staring into Baran’s eyes again. It seemed like she was always staring into Baran’s eyes. No matter how much staring they did, she really would never get over how beautiful Baran’s eyes were.

But after she had said that, what had happened? Trinity searched Baran’s face, tried to recall, tried to reach back as far into her memory as she possibly could, back to that night, to the wine and the rainfall and the way Baran had ran her hands through her—

Wait.

Her head had been in Baran Al-Hashimi’s lap.

“I’m sorry you went through that,” Baran said.

Trinity shrugged a little, but her breath caught in her throat, not just because of the memories it reignited, but because of how close she was to Baran’s mouth.

“It’s fine. I think I turned out okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah. Just okay.”

In her peripheral vision, Trinity watched Baran lift her hand slightly, then lower it again. But she changed her mind. 

She lifted it. 

She brushed Trinity’s damp hair behind her ear and her fingertips lingered on her jaw and Trinity’s breath had completely stilled. Everything slowed down.

“Trinity,” Baran said. It was the most earnest way anyone had ever uttered her name before. “You are fucking exceptional.”

Trinity’s eyes widened. She must have meant it, because she had never heard Baran Al-Hashimi say the word fucking. She felt all sparkly. The sunlight was streaming in from the windows and everything was glowing.

“Did you really just swear?” Trinity whispered.

“I save it for special occasions.”

“And I’m a special occasion?”

Baran was smiling very close to her. It was a real smile. She pinched Trinity’s chin between her forefinger and thumb and said “Clearly,” before stepping away and putting Trinity’s empty plate into the dishwasher.

Trinity crossed one leg over the other.

For no reason.

So they had been touching that night, in a really fucking intimate way, and now she was sitting in Baran’s sun-warmed kitchen being called fucking exceptional, and this was just what was happening and Trinity had to try to pretend like it was completely normal and nothing was out of the ordinary.

So she tried.

Which wasn’t off to a very good start, because Trinity caught herself watching Baran bend down and then immediately looked up at the ceiling. “So, what are your errands now that Kian won’t be here?”

Baran sighed and turned around, placing her hands on her hips, angling her head slightly to the side. “Very boring ones that forty year old women run.”

“Can I come?”

Baran laughed. “You want to run my errands with me?”

“I have nothing to do, and you enjoy my company.”

Baran smiled at that, nodding slowly and looking down, as if acknowledging that it was in fact true. Because it was. She had said it twice. “Well, I suppose I don’t need to run them today. We can do whatever you want.”

“I just wanna hang out.”

“We are hanging out.” She brought herself beside Trinity, brushing against her shoulder. Trinity pretended not to notice how it made her skin hum. “What do you do on your days off?”

“I go for a really long run until my legs give out and then I sit on my couch.”

Baran shook her head, grinning. “Well, we have all day. Let me know what you decide.”

“No,” Trinity whined, threading her finger through Baran’s belt loop and tugging as she started to walk away. “I want to do something you want to do.”

Baran looked down at where Trinity’s finger was and then back up at her, brow arched the highest Trinity had ever seen.

The corner of Trinity’s mouth rose. She felt her heart rate pick up. 

She was kind of addicted to making Baran look at her like that, like she was in trouble or something, the way a certain darkness washed over her eyes. Now, especially, Trinity watched it happen. Baran’s whole demeanor changed. Her back straightened, her gaze narrowed.

“So?” Trinity tried, lip playfully quirked upward, sliding her hands up her own thighs. “What do you want to do?”

Baran’s stare fell onto where Trinity’s hands rested, and she tongued the inside of her cheek and tilted her head. Trinity watched, again, as Baran’s chest slowly inflated.

Baran flickered her eyes up to meet Trinity’s.

“You.”

“What?”

Baran did not falter. She smiled a wide, knowing smile. “You decide,” she said.

Trinity held a long blink and exhaled more heavily than she had meant to.

“What?” Baran questioned in a low tone, acting oblivious, turning to head back out onto the patio. She looked over her shoulder and gave her a once-over. 

“Did you get excited?”

She shut the door and was out of Trinity’s line of sight.

Holy fuck.

Trinity didn’t even give herself a moment to think. She was racing after her.

“Hey, what the hell did that mean?” she called, accidentally closing the door behind her harder than she’d meant to. She was just so amped up. Because why the fuck would she say that? What kind of a joke was that?

“Don’t slam that,” Baran said sternly.

“Sorry.”

“What did what mean?”

“You know what!”

Baran folded her arms over her chest.

“The thing about getting excited?”

Baran tilted her head.

“Come on.”

“Look at you,” Baran said.

Trinity’s lips parted. It was so condescending, so unbelievably condescending, it made Trinity so fucking mad, she couldn’t even believe it. Her eyes darted all over Baran’s face, which was set like a statue, just wearing that patronizing, unrelenting, stupid sexy fucking smirk. It made her just want to fucking scream.

Trinity’s chest was rapidly rising and falling.

God, Baran was right. Look at her.

It definitely made her want to scream something. That was for sure.

She was so fucking catastrophically fucked. 

Trinity’s skin was engulfed in flames. She balled up her fists and turned on her heel, giving up, heading back inside.

“What, honey?” Baran asked, her voice so deep and smooth and dripping richness and practically buzzing right in her ear, making everything so much worse, making her go crazy, and Baran’s hand gripping the side of Trinity’s waist to halt her movement was only adding fuel to the fire. Trinity could melt right under her right now, right this second, if only she would let herself. 

“What are you upset about?”

“Nothing.”

“Look at me.”

“No.”

Baran tightened her grip on Trinity’s waist and spun her around herself. The breeze blew through their hair. Trinity couldn’t help but notice that both of them were breathing hard, and Baran was staring intensely at her, expression still shadowed with something heavy, but Trinity avoided her eyes.

“Look at me when I tell you to,” Baran said, but the harsh words were paired with a soft, controlled tone. Trinity could feel the sensation from Baran’s fingertips firm against her waist sending pulses throughout her entire body.

She thought of the first day. The empty exam room. She thought of Baran stroking her fingers through her hair, putting a blanket over her while she slept. 

She met Baran’s gaze.

“Good,” Baran said, drawing out the word. It sent a chill right up Trinity’s spine. Fuck. “That’s better. Come sit with me.”

She really didn’t have a choice with Baran’s hands guiding her by the waist over to the patio chairs. Trinity slumped down and crossed her arms over her chest. Baran was still standing, looking down at her, and now her hand was around Trinity’s shoulder.

“Sit correctly,” she said.

Was she serious?

Trinity blinked up at her in disbelief, but Baran only jutted up her chin and raised her eyebrows expectantly. Trinity heaved a sigh and let her arms fall at her sides.

“Good girl,” she said simply.

Trinity exhaled everything. She felt that familiar feeling, the same rush of heat she felt whenever Baran spoke to her like this. Which now was, strangely, incredibly often, and only getting more and more frequent.

She knew it. She knew it had been on purpose when she called her that, that night in her apartment. The flash over Baran’s face. It wasn’t just a thing older women say, like Trinity had told herself. It was all deliberate. She knew exactly what she was doing to Trinity, she had seen it, seen her thing. She had seen it that first day in the empty exam room. She had probably seen it the first day they met.

How subtle do you think you are, Santos?

Yeah. Catastrophically fucked.

“You can tell me what you’re feeling,” Baran said, thumb massaging Trinity’s shoulder. Trinity tried her hardest not to lean into the touch. It was already an effort not to lean completely into the sound of Baran’s honeyed voice, to let it wash all over her, to just let it take complete control.

“Frustrated.”

“Yeah?”

Turned on.

Baran’s hand slid to the base of Trinity’s neck, right over her sternum, fingers sinking into the divots of her collarbone. Trinity wanted to tilt her head back so bad. She wanted Baran’s hands all over her. She was certain Baran could feel her heart pounding, like she had noticed when she was wrapping Trinity’s wrist. Baran applied the slightest amount of pressure.

The other hand now held the back of her neck, under her hair. Baran could mold her any way she wanted and Trinity would let her. It was such a relief to just let go of everything, to dissolve into Baran’s touch, which was so slow and purposeful and felt so fucking good, Trinity had to swallow the sigh she wanted to let out.

Baran leaned her mouth close to Trinity’s ear. “Is that why you’re being a brat?”

Trinity exhaled a shaky breath. Every thought in her brain that wasn't centered around Baran's voice or touch had completely stilled.

Then, Trinity felt Baran’s hand hesitate.

She dropped it. Clenched and unclenched it. Rolled her shoulders back as if she were releasing something.

“What are you frustrated about?”

Baran’s tone had lightened. Trinity shook her head, tried to ignore the emptiness that existed without Baran’s hands on her. “I’m not answering that.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a stupid question.”

Now, she was playing with her. She just wanted to experiment, to see how far she could push, how much she could bend her before she snapped, what it would take for her Baran’s to go back onto her neck, maybe further up this time…

But when Trinity glanced up at her, the darkness had disappeared. 

She couldn’t admit to herself that she wanted it back.

“Okay,” was all Baran said. “You don’t have to.”

Trinity blinked. “That’s it?”

“I’m sorry?”

She felt as if she were losing her mind. She shook her head. “Nothing.”

Then, she watched Baran purse her lips as if she were trying not to smile.

“Is there something more you wanted?”

“No,” Trinity said as if it were ridiculous.

“Have you decided what you want to do?”

“No.”

Baran’s eyes narrowed, but her mouth was doing that thing, that thing it was doing when Trinity reacted the first time Baran had said those two very specific words. Trinity looked over her shoulder at Baran’s pool.

“All right.”

“Actually,” Trinity said just as Baran had started to walk away, and Baran looked back at her. “I want to swim.”

Baran twisted her face up. “It’s not very warm. And you don’t have a bathing suit.”

Maybe Trinity was still a little drunk from last night, or maybe she just didn’t care anymore. If Baran could do all these things to her, drive her completely fucking insane, then it was her fucking turn. She tried to release all her nerves, which was difficult with Baran wearing that and looking at her like that and touching her like that and speaking to her like that…

Trinity remembered who she was.

“I don’t care. And I don’t need one.”

She held her arms over her head and peeled off the t-shirt, leaving only the sweat-shorts and bra she had been wearing last night. She balled up the shirt and pushed it against Baran’s chest. Now it was her turn to smirk, to cock her head to the side.

Trinity watched as Baran’s eyes scanned down the length of her body, her mouth hanging slightly open. The same look when Trinity had been in the towel. Suspicion confirmed.

Baran inhaled deeply and then it was over. Her eyes switched back to meet Trinity’s, and she smiled politely. “Have fun.”

Seriously?

“That’s it?”

Baran’s expression was unreadable. “You keep saying that.”

“I said it, like, twice.”

“Twice is a lot.”

“It’s only one more than once.”

“What are you trying to do, Trinity?”

Trinity’s stomach was all fluttery. She really didn’t know what she was trying to do, or why Baran brought all of this out of her. What was her end goal, here? She was standing on Baran Al-Hashimi’s patio in a bra.

Trinity looked at the ground. “I don’t know.”

Baran held Trinity’s clothes in one arm and used her other hand to lift Trinity’s chin.

“I do,” Baran said quietly.

Trinity blinked. She wanted to ask her a million questions right then at that moment, but her mind was racing and reeling and everything just blanked out.

Kiss me. Kiss me. Please.

It felt as if there was a wall of tension in the small space between them. It felt like nothing else existed, the rest of the world didn’t exist, all that existed was Baran’s face this close to hers.

Please.

“Will you swim with me?”

“No.”

Trinity frowned. “Why not?”

“Why would I give you what you want after you behaved like that?”

Trinity’s lids had grown increasingly heavy. She leaned into Baran’s touch, only slightly, and then Baran pulled back.

Baran smoothed her hand over Trinity’s hair and turned around, opening the door to go inside. “Enjoy your swim,” she said without looking back at her.

Chapter Text

Trinity swam in Baran’s pool for nearly three hours.

Baran was right, it was cold, and overall pretty unpleasant. She kept trying to clear her head, telling herself in another ten minutes she would feel better, lighter, soon these electric shocks would stop pulsing her everywhere, but it never happened.

She also kept waiting for Baran to come outside, maybe to watch her, or, even more preferred, to join her, but she never did. Baran had only come out once, just to tell Trinity she was going to run her errands, and all Trinity did was nod and continue to swim. Baran didn’t even linger.

All Trinity felt by the time she got out of the pool was disappointed, tired, and pruned.

And still turned on.

Her bra and shorts were, of course, soaked, but she couldn’t humiliate herself by asking Baran for another change of clothes. She just sat with her knees hugged to her chest by the edge of the pool and waited for the autumn afternoon sun to dry them, at least a little. She drew shapes on the concrete ledge with water and her finger and watched them fade.

Once she was only slightly damp, Trinity sheepishly opened the patio door and didn’t look up, letting her wet hair fall in her face, just in case Baran was around. She didn’t think she could look at her right now. It must’ve been an hour since she had left.

But she wasn’t around.

Trinity checked the window for the second time that day and saw that Baran’s car was actually gone this time. She sighed heavily and sprawled down on the couch, feeling the weirdest she had felt maybe ever. What the fuck was happening? She missed Baran, like, an insane amount. Her clinginess was getting the better of her, but then again, Baran’s strange and frustratingly sexy domineering attitude toward her certainly wasn’t helping. So, it wasn’t totally her fault. For once.

She didn’t know what to do in this big and empty house all alone. Baran’s house. God, that was so fucking weird. Trinity stared up at the ceiling and picked at her thumbnail. She could go home right now. There was nothing stopping her, her car was right outside, recently repaired. But the last thing she wanted to do was go home. She wanted Baran to come back, to see her in that outfit, to see her look down at her again…

She pressed her thighs together. She couldn’t believe three hours in freezing cold water didn’t eradicate this feeling. She folded her arms over her chest and writhed around a little, trying to force it away, as if that would help instead.

She let her hands drop down to her uncovered stomach. Then one to her thigh. What was she doing? Her brain wasn’t functioning properly, it was probably fucking waterlogged. She let her eyelids flutter closed as she thought about Baran’s silky voice, calling her all those things, her hands on both sides of her neck, and now Trinity’s fingers were inching toward her own inner thigh…

She shot up when she heard the front door open.

“Hi,” Baran said, a little confused to see Trinity standing right there. She looked her up and down. Trinity had completely forgotten she didn’t have an actual shirt on.

“What are you doing?”

“I was… sleeping.”

“Oh, sorry, did I wake you?” Baran stepped over and handed her a coffee cup. Her sunglasses were perched in her curls like a headband, and she was wearing little heeled leather ankle boots, now, too. It all made Trinity want to melt into a puddle right then and there.

“Here,” Baran said. “I got your milkshake. Figured you could use another. Clearly I was right.”

Trinity let the corner of her mouth raise and tried not to think about what she was about to do twenty seconds ago. “Thanks. Yeah. I could.”

“How long did you swim? Your hair’s wet.”

“I don’t even know,” Trinity said, taking a sip of the coffee, which Baran had somehow remembered the exact order for. “Maybe three hours.”

“Quite a long time to be swimming.” Baran dropped some bags onto the dining room table and started to unpack things, speaking with her back to Trinity.  “Going for a record?”

“Just trying to clear my head.”

Baran looked over her shoulder. “Is something bothering you?”

“No.”

“Trinity,” Baran said, enunciating every letter, now turning fully around and leaning against the table, crossing her arms over her chest. “You have to tell me if something is making you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable.”

“I mean it.”

“So do I.” 

Baran shot her a look and Trinity moved closer, standing beside her. Baran’s eyes followed her, trailing down her bare stomach, her head tilting slightly to the side. Trinity’s heart began to beat a little faster. She couldn’t help but get excited, having Baran’s eyes back on her was such a relief. Three hours without Baran’s attention and she nearly lost her mind.

“What errands did you run?” Trinity asked.

Baran pursed her lips then switched her gaze up to meet Trinity’s. “Mom ones that you wouldn’t care about.”

“Who says I wouldn’t care?”

“Oh please, Trin.”

Trinity’s heartbeat jumped a little at the nickname. “I care about your stuff.”

Trinity rubbed her own upper arms awkwardly. All she wanted was to reach out and touch Baran, but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to. Everything felt ten times more intimate after this morning, and Trinity was still admittedly a little embarrassed about how easily Baran had figured her out, a little embarrassed about everything, actually, the entirety of her feelings for Baran, how much more intense they were getting. Trinity was embarrassed just standing next to her right now because of how devastatingly attracted to her she was.

“That’s sweet,” Baran said, looking deeply into her eyes, then at her arms. “Are you cold, hon?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Is that the truth?”

Trinity scrunched her face up. “No.”

“Well,” Baran said, smiling out of the side of her mouth. “I thought we could get dinner tonight. You can go home and get changed and I’ll pick you back up.”

“Dinner?”

“You’ve heard of it, I hope?”

“Dr. Al-Hashimi,” Trinity gasped, hand flying over her heart. “I think you’ve been hanging around me too much.”

Baran laughed and shook her head. “Never too much.”

Trinity’s cheeks flushed. Was dinner a date? No, right? Friends get dinner all the time. Coworkers get dinner all the time. That’s what they were. Coworkers and friends. Baran was her coworker and her friend. Her coworker who put her hand around her neck. Her friend who looked at her bare stomach like it was dinner. 

“We can get dinner.”

“Good.”

“Have you picked a time, decision maker?”

The corner of Baran’s lip quirked up. “Seven.”

“Maybe we can get the wine right this time.”

Baran grabbed Trinity’s forearm and squeezed. “I think you’re banned from wine.”

“Do you really want me to be?” 

Trinity narrowed her eyes mischievously at her. Baran paused, her brain calculating something, then turned to fully face her.

“What do you remember, now?” Baran asked softly, searching Trinity’s face. “From last night?”

Trinity inhaled. “Still not everything, I don’t think.”

“But more?”

“More, yeah. I remember why I cried, I think. I remember…” Trinity bit down on her bottom lip and contemplated for a moment if she wanted to admit it, but what did it matter? It wasn’t like Baran didn’t remember. “I remember my head in your lap.”

Baran started to smile. “That was cute.”

“Cute? It was drunk and messy.”

“It was cute.”

Baran’s tone was weirdly serious. Trinity twisted her mouth to one side, trying not to break into a grin. 

“Can we swim after dinner?”

“You want to swim again?”

“Hell yeah,” Trinity said. “If I had a pool like yours, my fingers would be permanently wrinkled.”

Baran slowly licked her lips as if she were biting something back. All she said was, “Maybe.”

“That’s not a no.”

“Very observant.”

“Seriously, you’re starting to sound like me.”

“You’re right,” Baran said with a smile. “You should get out of here before it gets worse.”

Trinity tried to get as close to Baran as possible without actually touching her, just close enough that she could feel that hum against her skin, caused by nothing besides the sheer proximity. 

“Okay,” Trinity said. “I’ll bring back the shorts.”

Baran shook her head and began to write something down. “Keep them. I don’t know if I’ve worn those for fifteen years. And they look better on you.”

Trinity swallowed and tried not to assume that meant Baran had been looking at her ass. “Um, what’s the dress code for tonight?”

Baran paused and removed her sunglasses from her head, folding them before raking a hand through her curls. Her eyes scanned Trinity’s body again as if she were dressing her in her mind. Or the opposite. 

“Something nice,” Baran said, her voice suddenly lowered.

“Like… how nice? What are you wearing?”

Baran’s signature smirk was playing on her lips. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“You’re no help,” Trinity sighed.

Baran didn’t say anything. She just smiled and continued to do whatever she was doing.

“What are you writing?”

“You are very inquisitive.”

“My middle name,” Trinity said. “So what is it?”

Baran laughed and shook her head. “Forms for my son’s school field trip. Very fascinating, hm?” She put the pen down and turned to face Trinity, crossing her arms. 

“Are you satisfied now that you have my attention?” Baran said.

Trinity probably looked like a deer in headlights at that moment. Talk about being figured out. Baran, on the other hand, looked extremely pleased.

“I’m going,” Trinity said.

Baran was still wearing a wide smile of satisfaction. “All right.”

Trinity gave her a nod and Baran’s eyes had dropped again, as if taking in Trinity’s body one last time. She wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“What are you looking at?”

Baran lingered for a moment before switching her eyes back up. “You.”

“Duh.”

“You asked.”

“I’m asking why.”

Baran put her hand on Trinity’s shoulder, speaking quietly. “You’re out of questions for today. Drive safe.” Her fingers slid down Trinity’s arm as she walked past her, and Trinity spun on her heel, watched her walk away, really watched her walk away, fought off the urge to call out for her.

She would see her tonight.

***

What the fuck do you wear on a date-not-date with your beautiful attending with whom you share a weird and inexplicable and perhaps delusional pseudosexual relationship with but haven’t even actually kissed?

So much for Baran’s cleaning efforts, because Trinity’s room was decimated. All of her outfit options had completely overtaken every inch of it. She changed about a thousand times. Ultimately, she decided on her best-fitting black jeans and a navy blue pinstripe button-down that cinched perfectly at her waist. She actually felt pretty fucking good, but every time she imagined getting into Baran’s car and seeing her all made up and inhaling her perfume, all of her confidence catapulted right out the window.

She smudged on some eyeliner and dabbed a bit of color onto her lips. Raked a hand through her hair until it looked messy in a way that wasn’t trying too hard. Tried not to gag on her anxiety. 

Just as expected, Baran texted Trinity at 6:59.

I’m outside. Are you dressed nicely?

Trinity bit down on her bottom lip, thumbs moving quickly.

i’d like to think so

She watched the three little dots, not looking up from her phone as she flicked off the light switch and walked out into the hallway.

Don’t keep me waiting. Come on out. Let me see you.

She was beyond lightheaded as she locked her apartment door. In the elevator, she bounced on her heels, jumped up and down a little, tried to release some of the nervous energy, but it was resilient. As resilient as Baran’s fucking smirk would be when she saw just how flurried Trinity was. 

As she got closer to Baran’s car, right outside, as always, she caught a glimpse of her in the window. Baran was looking down at her phone, but Trinity could see her side profile, and she was just so elegant and so gorgeous, so gorgeous it was hard for Trinity to even keep moving.

Jesus Christ.

She had no idea how to navigate this entire situation. Actually, she just grew more and more confused by the day about this whole damn thing. Trinity looked up at the sky, mouthed the words “help me,” closed her eyes, took a very deep breath, and crossed the street.

Baran was wearing a white blouse with too many buttons undone for Trinity to be normal about tucked into a long black silk skirt, one wrist draped over the steering wheel. She smiled at her, eyes warm, and Trinity could feel her heartbeat rise into her throat, she was going to choke on it any second now.

“Hey,” Trinity managed, tone breathy, trying not to sound fazed even though her brain was whirling around and around.

“Hey yourself.” Trinity didn’t look at her but she could feel Baran’s eyes all over her. 

She wanted so badly to ask if this was a date. It really felt like a date. But every time Trinity thought maybe, just maybe this means more than nothing, she shot herself down. Because women who are friends get dressed up and go out to dinner all the time. All of this fighting with her own brain was really starting to weigh on her, really starting to make her feel like a fucking crazy person, and just as she expected, this hotbox of Baran’s perfume engulfing her was certainly not helping.

“Look at you,” was all Baran said, but not the way she had said it on the patio this morning, this time she drew out the word “you.” This one was a compliment. Trinity felt her whole body heat up. She wondered if there would ever come a time when she wouldn’t grow flustered under Baran’s gaze.

“Yeah, you too.”

Baran did not say anything more. She just began to drive. Trinity tried very hard not to look at her, because she was so fucking attracted to her it was beyond her means of endurance. Every ounce of self control she had in her body was being utilized to not stare at this breathtaking woman with her jaw glued to the floor.

“So what’s the place?”

“You’ll see.”

“I know I’ll see,” Trinity said. “But you could also just tell me.”

“Patience will get you places, Dr. Santos.”

“I hate when you get all preachy attending on me,” Trinity mumbled, folding her arms.

Baran smiled and put her hand on Trinity’s knee. Just for a second. But, as usual, it made Trinity sit up straighter, made her skin hum. She looked over at Baran, she couldn’t help herself. She really took her all in, every piece of her, leaned her head back against the seat.

Trinity almost couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, curls falling everywhere, the golden skin of her chest glowing as the sun began to set. Trinity wanted more. She knew she wanted more. But to Baran she was probably just another charity case.

Trinity tried to do some breathing exercises. Her heart actually felt like it was going to shoot through her ribcage.

“You’ll like it, I promise.”

Trinity thought of Baran’s taste, her house and her outfits and her everything, and began to grow very nervous at what this bill was going to look like. Her stomach dropped.

“How expensive is it?”

Baran looked at her for as long as she could before having to turn her attention back to the road. “Trinity, I don’t want that to even cross your mind.”

“I cannot let you—”

“Ah,” Baran warned, holding a hand up. “Quiet.”

Trinity squirmed in her seat a little. She decided to ease her mind as much as possible and just allow herself to watch Baran drive, because even though it made her lose all of the air in her lungs, watching her drive had quickly become one of Trinity's favorite things to do.

***

The restaurant was insanely beautiful.

The whole room was glowing a soft amber, candlelight everywhere, everyone smiling. The booths were wraparounds and a gorgeous dark red leather, faint jazz music played and the scent of olive oil and rosemary drifted through. This was the kind of place with that thick doughy triangular bread, and it was definitely crazy expensive. And everyone here was definitely on a date. The booths were literally designed so that people could fucking cuddle while they ate.

It especially felt like a date when Baran said “Al-Hashimi, seven o'clock reservation for two” to the host.

Trinity didn’t know where to look when she was walking behind Baran to their booth. Her skirt, her heels, her hair. It was all too much. Trinity didn’t know if she should drink again after last night, but she really needed something to loosen up these nerves. She hadn’t been this nervous during some of her tests in med school. It was ridiculous.

“So, am I allowed to drink wine?” Trinity asked after they had been seated.

“You’re an adult. You can have whatever you want.”

“Yeah, but…” Trinity made a face. “I still don’t know how else I embarrassed myself last night.”

God, that was only last night. It felt like a whole lifetime ago. They hadn't even been hanging out for that long, but it felt like so much longer. It was so strange.

Baran was smiling down at the menu. “You did not embarrass yourself.”

“Why won’t you tell me what I did?”

Baran looked up, slightly confused. “You didn’t ask me to tell you.”

“Well, I’m asking now.”

“All right.” She leaned back in the booth a little, draped one arm over it. Trinity cleared her throat and shifted in her seat.

“You put your head in my lap. You said I was nice to you. We were talking about how you protect yourself, and you said something about getting hurt anyway. That’s when you started to cry. You asked me why I care about you. I told you that you are not hard to care about. I offered to take you home, you told me you didn’t want to go home. I gave you some water. I left for a moment. Then you were asleep. That was it.”

Trinity exhaled, but her worried expression didn't leave her face, as if she were bracing herself for something more, something worse. She had already known most of that. It was bad, but not as bad as she had been catastrophizing. She felt slightly better. Okay, so she had made a fool of herself, but not a complete and utter fool of herself. She hadn’t admitted to anything, hadn’t confessed any attraction or feelings. Everything was fine.

So, she helped herself to a glass.

They talked and ate and drank and there was one instance where Trinity had said something and Baran had actually tilted her head back and laughed, really laughed, laughed harder than Trinity had ever seen, and Trinity’s entire body was reverberating afterward.

All night, Baran’s eyes dug into her, chasing her gaze. Trinity watched as Baran loosened the cuffs on her blouse, watched her hands, watched her fingers moving so delicately, so purposefully, and the heat between Trinity’s thighs only grew more and more uncomfortable, and after the second glass of wine it was practically unbearable.

Everything felt so easy, so effortless. The conversation flowed like water. Trinity was nervous, sure, because Baran was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, the most perfect person she had ever met, but she felt no pressure, no pressure to be anything other than exactly what she was. It was a comforting thought to know that Baran liked her that way. She didn’t have to pretend about anything.

Besides, of course, about what she felt towards her.

Because her feelings for her were so much worse than Baran could ever conceptualize.

“I’m cutting you off there, though,” Baran said, the rim of her own glass up to her mouth.

“You’re no fun.”

“So I’ve been told.”

Trinity rolled her eyes. “They don’t know Robo-Doc like I do.”

Baran’s mouth widened into a beautiful smile, and Trinity’s muscles stiffened up, and all she wanted to do was just crawl right onto her lap and wrap her arms around her neck. Their legs kept accidentally brushing. Trinity made sure a few of those instances weren’t accidental. 

Baran leaned her head onto her wrist. So familiar. For a moment, they just looked at each other in silence while Baran leisurely swirled her wine glass. 

And then, Baran had said, “Do you know how beautiful you are?”

Trinity swallowed hard, tried not to take her heart with it. She could tell by the glimmer in her eye that Baran was a little buzzed.

“And so smart. You have that… that sense of justice. People look at me like I’m crazy sometimes. Most people don’t want to put any effort into making things better. But you do. You’re the kind of doctor this world needs, Trinity.”

“Well, you’re the best doctor I know,” Trinity breathed out.

Baran smiled, but there was something sad laced in it. She touched Trinity’s leg again, this time further up from her knee, almost reaching her thigh. “But did you hear me?”

“Yeah,” Trinity said. “Yeah, I heard you.”

“I really want you to hear me.”

“You mean you want me to believe you.”

“Yes.” Baran was leaning forward, her face close to Trinity’s. Her eyes were darker now, voice deeper. “I want you to believe me. More than anything.”

“I do. I believe you.”

“Good.”

Baran’s thumb brushed over Trinity’s leg and she was so sensitive from all the alcohol that it sent a thundering shock through her body. 

“I hate that you get hurt,” Baran said. She said it so matter-of-factly, her hand lifting up from Trinity’s leg and using it to brush her hair behind her ear. She let it travel down to the side of Trinity’s neck, her touch warm and gentle, running her fingertips over the baby hairs.

Every time Baran spoke, Trinity could feel her voice enter her bloodstream and flow through her. Trinity had never wanted anything so badly in her life. She wanted her.

But really, it was something so much deeper than want, it was like a hunger, a hunger that had been building and building and the craving just kept intensifying and there was nothing she could do. There was nothing she could do about this huge fucking galaxy of desire.

But tonight was different. Maybe tonight there was something she could do.

She was just tipsy enough not to care about the consequences. She was just tipsy enough to think maybe, maybe this isn’t all in her head, maybe she wants exactly the same thing. And sometimes it really did feel that way. More than sometimes.

For God’s sake, she had just called her smart and beautiful and touched her leg and her neck and everything else before this, telling her she was exceptional and the way she bossed her around and just fucking everything, it was all adding up, and there were so many times when Trinity thought she had reached her breaking point, she couldn’t take it anymore, but now she really had.

There was a secret language there, a mutual understanding, exchanged glances, everything meant something between them. Nothing went unnoticed, nothing went without a purpose.

So, Trinity let her eyes fall on Baran’s mouth, her perfect mouth, which was so relieving after all the times she had forced herself not to look there. Baran, of course, noticed this, acknowledged it with a slight curve of her lip. Her eyes slowly explored Trinity’s face. Slower than usual. 

Trinity felt all floaty, her head warm and relaxed and not screaming at her for once. The lighting in the restaurant was making her a little sleepy, but more than anything else, she was turned on. She had been since that morning on Baran’s couch.

The alcohol had traveled straight downward and Baran looked so sexy, so devastating in that top, head still leaning against her wrist, and Trinity had visions of all those times in Baran’s car, all those dreams she had about her, everything, everything that had ever happened between them, every look, every touch, every word, every breath.

Trinity took Baran’s shirt collar in her hand and leaned in.

For a split second, Baran parted her lips. Trinity could feel her breath, could smell the sweet wine on her mouth, and now her perfume was more than dizzying, and Trinity had completely forgotten that there was anyone else in the restaurant. 

But before their lips could so much as brush, Baran had moved her head back, and her hand was carefully pushing Trinity’s jaw away.

Baran searched Trinity’s face for what felt like a very long time. Her brow was slightly knit, as if processing a substantial amount of information. Trinity slumped back a little, mouth still halfway open, as if she wanted to say something but no words could possibly come out.

Finally, in a low tone, the lowest Trinity had heard yet, Baran slowly asked: 

“What are you doing, Trinity?”

Chapter Text

Trinity did not speak the entire car ride home.

It was driving Baran completely insane. There were so many things she wanted to tell her, so many lines she wanted so badly to cross, so many consequences she wanted to ignore. She wanted nothing more than to let herself have this.

But whenever it started to become too real, whenever she felt that feeling hit and wash over her, she did everything in her power to restrain herself. 

The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Trinity, who she cared so deeply about, who she thought about all the time. And by actively trying not to hurt her, here she was, hurting her. She clenched her jaw, grinded her teeth together. She could hardly stomach herself right now.

She had wanted to kiss her. Just like when she had her hand on Trinity’s neck on the patio, she had wanted to hold it, to apply pressure, to make sure Trinity knew that she was hers. But she wasn’t hers. She couldn’t be.

And she almost had. She had almost kissed her in that crowded restaurant where it felt like it was no one else but the two of them and this beautiful little world they had created. But right when she could hear Trinity’s breath hitch, when she could imagine the softness of her lips so clearly, she knew she had let herself go too far into the deep end. 

If she had thought she was breaking the rules with all of the other little touches and comments, this was breaking the rules in a whole new and dangerous way.

Trinity had apologized over and over, calling herself an idiot, and Baran kept trying to speak to her, to explain and listen, but Trinity had put up a wall, and Baran was left banging on the outside. It was her fault, she had been drawing Trinity in. There were things that she could do without feeling like she was abusing her power, but this? She didn’t know how she would navigate it, and she didn’t like not knowing how to navigate something.

“Trinity, please talk to me,” she said now in the car, glancing over at her, but her knees were pulled up to her chest and her head was turned toward the window.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“There certainly is.”

“Are you trying to make me feel worse or something?”

Baran’s heart felt like it was being clawed out. “No,” she said softly. “Of course not.”

“I just want to go home.”

“Okay,” Baran said, trying to respect her boundaries the best that she could. All she wanted to do was touch her, console her, make her feel better, tell her everything. Instead she said, “I’ll take you home.”

And now, Baran felt no different from every other person who had hurt Trinity. And the thought of being that person agonized her, completely ripped her open.

Because she really tried not to hate people, found it to be a waste of time, but she hated Garcia, with every bone in her body, with every breath of air she breathed. Baran would treat Trinity so well, of course she would, she knew that for a fact, she would take perfect care of her, give her everything she needed, but it simply wasn’t feasible.

Why not, though? Baran went over it again and again, it was eating up her brain, she could hardly think about much else when she wasn’t at work. All she could do was wonder if she just let it happen, stopped resisting it, stopped shutting herself down when she felt that warm rush whenever Trinity listened well or looked at her with a pout on her face, what could be the worst that would happen?

Baran had always followed the rules.

But there often came a point in which she had to break them in order to forge her own path.

***

They did not speak for several days.

It felt incredibly weird not to talk to her after being around her so often. She felt like something was missing, there was too much empty space, or space filled by people who weren’t her, which just felt lonely and vacant and not right. She missed her terribly.

Baran tried to reach out, sent her a few texts, but Trinity didn’t respond. At work, Trinity ignored her as much as humanly possible, and Baran stayed out of her way, trying to grant her the space that she needed, even though it was killing her. 

Seeing her killed her. Watching her work killed her. Trinity doing her job so well and Baran not being able to praise her killed her. She offered a “good job” here and there, but Trinity barely reacted, hardly even acknowledged her presence.

She knew she had probably done the right thing, what was best for Trinity, what would protect her in the end. 

But she really wished she had just let herself give in.

When she had gotten home that night, and every night that followed, all she could think about was what it would have felt like to kiss Trinity Santos.

***

Trinity had been getting a drink after work basically every night, but tonight she got drunker than usual.

She just wanted to forget. About all of it. About how much she had humiliated herself, how she had misread the entire situation, how stupid she had been to let herself fall for this woman who saw her exactly as she dreaded she had: a charity case, a colleague, someone younger to mentor. That’s all she was to her. That’s all she ever had been, that whole time.

Baran had done her hardest to rectify the situation, Trinity could see how hard she was trying, but she was so fucking embarrassed she just wanted to pretend it never happened. Not just that night, but all of it, every weirdly intimate moment with Baran, every word Baran had said to her. It never existed. Trinity had made everything between the lines up, anyway. What did it matter? It was nothing. It all meant nothing.

At work earlier in the week, Baran made an effort to interact with her, but when Trinity didn’t reciprocate, she backed off. Trinity couldn’t even look at her. It was too fucking painful. And she just needed to be done with all of this goddamn pain.

It was Saturday night, and she was at her and Whitaker’s favorite local dive bar. It was dirty and sticky and there were wads of gum that were probably thirty years old all over the floor. It was cramped, could barely fit twenty people, and there was nothing to do besides throw darts. 

It encapsulated exactly how shitty Trinity felt this week. 

She looked good, at least. She needed to feel something. Her hair was clipped up and her top was fitted and off-the-shoulder and for some reason she felt like Baran would love it. Stop fucking thinking about her. 

Whitaker could probably see the way Trinity just shook her head as if to clear all thoughts of Baran. It didn’t work.

“What’s with you?” he asked as Trinity ordered another beer.

“What’s with your face?”

“Are you sad about something?”

She shook her head, sipped her drink. “No.”

“Kinda seems like you’re… drinking the pain away.”

“Kinda seems like you’re making too many analyses.” 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Trinity parted her lips and rested her chin in her hand, softening a little. It was sweet that he cared. “It’s just… women. It’s nothing.”

“Garcia?”

“Uh.” Trinity thought for a moment about how much information she should be revealing to Whitaker. She never let herself talk to people about things like this, about her issues. Being vulnerable was always a fucking trap. Clearly. But she wanted so badly to open up.

“No. Not her.”

“You’re seeing someone?”

“No.”

Whitaker nodded in defeat.

“Okay, Trin, I think I need to head home.”

“Come onnnn, Huckleberry,” she whined, grabbing his arm. “The night is young.”

“Not for me,” he said with a sideways smile. “I’d like to actually get four hours of sleep before my shift tomorrow morning.”

Trinity just groaned and waved him off.

“Come with?”

“Fuck no, I’m staying here,” she slurred.

Whitaker’s eyes darted around the room. “I think you should—”

“Fuck off, farm boy. I’m a big girl.”

Whitaker threw his hands up and walked backwards. “I’ll see you at home.”

“Yeah,” she said, taking another sip of beer. “Whatever.”

She wanted to go crazy, pretend she was back in college, throw back shots and forget who she was, stop letting Baran’s face and mouth pop back up into her mind incessantly. But the more she drank, the more she thought about Baran, the closer she got to picking up her phone and sending her a bunch of mistyped words.

She was at a level of drunk where nothing was real anymore. And now she was alone. She rested her elbows on the bar, laying her head down.

Fuck it.

She pulled up Garcia’s number and quickly sent her a text, the text they always sent each other when one of them wanted to hook up, just an emoji of a pair of eyes. While she waited, she scrolled through Baran’s messages, the last one was from two days ago. 

At the memory of her, Trinity’s heart sank so deep into the depths of her stomach she thought for a moment that maybe it was gone forever.

10:28am October 15 - Hi, Trinity. Do you think we could talk soon?

3:36pm October 17 - Me again. There are some things I really need you to know. Please get back to me.

8:42pm October 19 - Are you okay?

9:01pm October 19 - At least tell me that much.

Trinity shook her head and put her phone down.

Picked it back up.

i cantstop dreaming about you

Delete.

why didnt yiu kiss me

Delete.

hey

Send.

Fuck.

The three dots appeared almost immediately.

Hi. I’ve been so worried about you.

Trinity closed her eyes for a long moment, remembered what it felt like for Baran to touch her, to look at her.

nothin to bw worrried abt

Trinity watched the three dots appear, then disappear. Appear, disappear. Over and over. 

Are you drunk?

Trinity just stared at it.

Two minutes later,

Are you okay?

Trinity quickly typed the words and sent them without even thinking, the letters a blurry haze beneath her thumbs:

i missyou 

She watched no dots appear. 

Trinity sank her cheek into the palm of her hand and looked around, but it just made her head hurt. Everything looked as if it were happening in stop motion.

She knew in the back of her mind it had been a mistake, but she was too drunk to care about anything, and she did miss her. She missed her so fucking much it was crazy.

The dots came, eventually.

I miss you too, Trinity. Will you talk to me?

yea

Can I come get you?

Then, separately:

Who’s with you?

huckleberty was here

but he left

just me npw 

Where are you?

finns

Don’t move. 

She was too drunk to be nervous about seeing Baran outside of work for the first time all week. She was actually more excited than anything, excited to rile her up, to get her back in any way she could for that night. 

She kept drinking.

Fifteen minutes later, there was Baran. Trinity’s excitement was quickly stolen from her when she actually saw her, saw the look on her face, and she was just reminded of everything all over again. She almost wanted to get up and bolt out the door.

But she also wanted to hear Baran’s voice.

“Hey, decision maker.”

“Trinity,” Baran acknowledged, everything about her completely measured, her eyes scanning the room. She was wearing a long beige coat with her hands in her pockets. She looked so sophisticated, sticking out like a sore thumb in this gross bar. “This place sure leaves something to be desired.”

Trinity raised her beer to her. “It gets the job done.”

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Enough to feel good.”

Baran’s jaw hardened. “Can I take you home?”

“Nah.”

Baran opened her mouth and shut it, looking down at her. “You told me that we could talk.”

“We are talking.”

Baran tongued the inside of her cheek. “Let’s go outside.”

“Why?”

“It’s too loud in here.”

“I’m good.”

Something flashed over Baran’s eyes. The darkness. Trinity had been missing it.

“Stand up,” she said. “Now.”

Trinity folded her arms over her chest. “Can I at least finish my beer?”

Baran’s voice got quieter, but deeper. She leaned a little closer to Trinity. “Don’t make me ask you again.”

Trinity rolled her eyes and stood up. It wasn’t worth it.

In one swift motion, Baran grabbed Trinity’s arm and dragged her outside into the brisk night air. Trinity swore a few times but, for the most part, didn’t even put up a fight. She was too wasted to give a fuck about much right now. And just because she was upset didn’t take away from the fact that she still loved this assertive side of Baran.

Trinity looked over Baran’s shoulder at the drunk groups of girls laughing and people smoking cigarettes. 

“Hey,” Trinity called out to them, waving. “Can I bum one?”

Baran held her by the waist and moved her around the corner, steadying her. “Don’t do that.”

“Actually, you don’t get to boss me around anymore.”

“Trinity.”

Trinity was grinning and stumbling backwards. She couldn’t remember what she had drank or what she had mixed, but it was catching up to her, and whenever she tried to focus on Baran’s face it just spun around and around. Probably for the best.

“You’re hot when you’re mad.”

Baran’s eyes widened as she tightened her grip to prevent Trinity from falling. “Trinity,” she breathed out again, this time a firm warning. 

“God, I’m just having fun,” Trinity spat, waving her beer bottle around in the air. “Were you always this much of a buzzkill? Or does it come with old age?”

Baran paused for a moment and inhaled a very slow breath. “Behave yourself.”

“Why the hell should I?”

Baran’s fingertips dug into Trinity’s waist, and Trinity, despite being drunk, had no problem recognizing that familiar shadow that drifted over Baran’s gaze, her stare piercing right into her. It actually sobered her up a little.

Baran did not answer that question. Instead, she solemnly asked again, “Can I take you home?”

“I already said no.”

Baran’s dark eyes darted all over Trinity’s face. Trinity had never seen her look so worried, besides maybe that night in Trinity’s apartment with the broken wine glass. Fuck. That night. The memories were flashing in Trinity’s mind like snapshots, over and over again, all the times Baran had taken care of her. Over the course of it, she had tried to convince herself it didn’t mean anything, but now that she was sure, it hurt more than she could even fathom.

“What are you running from?” Baran asked.

Trinity rolled her eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means exactly that. Look at you.”

“Don’t fucking say that,” Trinity snapped. “I hate that.”

“Okay,” Baran said softly, eye contact unwavering. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you running from?” Trinity lightly shoved Baran’s chest away, breaking the hold she had on her waist.

Baran lulled as if to register the push and exhaled a laugh. “Me?”

Trinity wondered what it was like to be Baran, to not wear your heart on your sleeve, for your emotions to not have complete control over you. She watched the headlights of cars zip past and everything was so blurry and she just wanted to get this fire out of her. 

“You’re toying with me. Just dragging me along for the ride. That’s what everyone does.”

Baran gently wrapped her hand around Trinity’s wrist. “I am not toying with you.”

“Let go of me.”

“Trinity.”

Trinity forced herself out of Baran’s grip and leaned against the brick wall. Baran did not try to touch her again, even though Trinity wanted her to. 

She wanted Baran to fight for her. 

“Do you really believe that?” Baran asked. 

“What else am I supposed to believe?”

Baran looked defeated. “I’ve told you how much I care about you.”

“Then why won’t you fucking do anything about it?” Trinity was really worked up, now. She could feel the tears starting to sting her eyes. “Why did you let me make a fool of myself?”

“You are smart, Trinity,” Baran said, inching her face closer. “You know the answer to that.”

“What? Work? Is that your big reason? Fuck all that.” Trinity had been gesturing with her hands, but now she let them fall heavily at her sides. “If you cared about me, you wouldn’t care about all of that.”

“I care about all of that because I care about you.”

“That is such bullshit.”

Baran’s eyes narrowed.

“You don’t know the lengths of which I care about you,” Baran whispered.

Trinity shook her head, avoiding her gaze. She took another swig of bear.

“Give me that,” Baran said, grabbing the bottle from her.

“What the fuck?”

“No more drinking. No more running.” Trinity reached for the bottle but Baran held it over her head, then turned on her heel and chucked it into the trashcan.

“You’re the one running.”

Baran’s shoulders lowered, and she angled her head slightly down. “I’m right here.”

A beat.

“This is so stupid,” Trinity sighed, wiping a hand down her face.

“Come on,” Baran said, tone stern, motioning her with her hand. “Let me take you home.”

Trinity stood still. 

“You care about me?”

Baran’s expression was beyond earnest. “Yes.”

“Do something, then,” Trinity challenged.

All of this talk about not hurting her, what did it even mean? How would she hurt her by giving them both what they wanted? 

Baran closed her eyes. “I can’t.”

“See?”

“Trinity, you have to—”

“You’re just like her.”

Trinity watched the lump form in Baran’s throat, tried to analyze the myriad expressions that crossed her face right in that moment, but Trinity couldn’t decipher a single one. 

She felt horrible as soon as she said it. She knew it was mean, mean for her, even, and she hadn’t even really meant it. Baran was nothing like Garcia, but right now, Trinity just wanted to hurt her back. Because, seriously? All of this and then Baran just left her to dry? For what?

“I sure hope you don’t mean that.”

Trinity didn’t speak.

“You think I don’t want to do something?” Baran continued, teeth gritted but voice still controlled and level, her face now very close to Trinity’s. “It drives me completely crazy. Do you know how hard I have to try to keep my composure? So that the rules don’t get broken? So that you don’t get hurt? All I want to do is protect you.”

Trinity blinked.

“You have no idea what I’m fighting, Trinity. And you’re wasted. We can talk about it another time.”

“We’re not gonna talk about it another time. Do you have feelings for me or not?”

Baran searched her face desperately. “Of course I have feelings for you.”

For some reason, Trinity hadn’t expected her to say it like that. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. A spade is a spade. Of course I have feelings for you.

Baran’s eyes were aflame. “I didn’t think I had to spell it out for you.”

“But…” Trinity cradled her head in her hands, trying to process everything, which was difficult with the alcohol coursing through her. “You didn’t kiss me. You asked me what I was doing.”

Baran shook her head incredulously. “Is that what I have to do? Kiss you in a restaurant? I asked you what you were doing because if we’re really doing this, then we have to have a conversation about it first.”

“Oh, now we have to talk about it? We didn’t talk about you touching me like that, or the names you call me, or anything fucking else that we do that is so obviously and completely not just a friendship.” Trinity gestured at the open space between them. “I don’t even know what to call this.”

Baran exhaled a deep breath. She looked at Trinity very intensely. “Would you like me to stop?”

“Stop what?”

“Touching you. Calling you things.”

Trinity pursed her lips. She wanted to lie, more than anything, she wanted to lie. Baran looked at her expectantly with an arched brow. 

“No,” Trinity said, her voice small. The truth.

“You must know that kissing is its own separate realm. Everything else is, for that matter, beyond what we’ve been doing. I have already lost control and crossed the threshold before, I know, but I tried to rein it in, Trinity. I do not want to hurt you.”

“You made me think I was crazy,” Trinity said, voice breaking.

“Honey,” Baran sighed, reaching out to touch her face and then remembering and retracting her hand. She clenched it into a fist and dropped it. Trinity’s blood had warmed in response to the familiar nickname. “That was never my intention. Please believe that.”

Trinity looked up at her with watery eyes. No one had ever put this much effort into making her believe something. Baran looked pained, as if she had been physically hurt.

“Can I touch you?”

Trinity exhaled and nodded, giving in, and Baran was quick to hold her face in her hands. She smoothed Trinity’s hair back behind her ears like she always did, the strands that had fallen out of her clip, and Trinity almost let her tears fall, because the touch was so comforting, so familiar, and all she wanted all the time was Baran to touch her. She leaned into it, pressed her cheek against Baran’s palm.

“You’re not like her. I didn’t mean it,” Trinity whispered. 

Baran smiled slowly. Her eyes were gleaming. She squeezed Trinity’s face between her hands, puffing up her cheeks. “I know you didn’t, my little spitfire.”

She wanted her now even more than she had that night at the restaurant. She wanted her in every fucking imaginable way. 

“I don’t want you to rein it in,” Trinity whispered. “I want you to… I don’t know. I don’t want you to rein it in.”

“Trinity,” she sighed. “It is so unbelievably complicated.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“I know you know that. But I’m your superior.” Baran looked around, but the street had quieted down. It was late, and Trinity didn’t know how long they had been out here. 

Baran did not remove her hands from cradling Trinity’s face. “There is an unfair imbalance in place there.”

“I’ve never felt imbalanced with you.”

Baran looked at her with a sad smile. She let her thumbs sweep over Trinity’s cheeks once more before they slid off, and she offered out her arm. “Come on, darling. Let me take you home. Don’t make me say please.”

Trinity hesitated for a moment, she wanted to still be mad at her, wanted to act like everything she was saying didn’t make sense. 

But it did make sense. It was just so foreign for someone to care about her this fiercely. 

She walked slowly toward her and Baran wrapped her arm tightly around Trinity’s shoulder, pulling her close to her, and Trinity inhaled her perfume for the first time in a week.

It wasn’t enough.

Trinity stopped in her tracks and hugged Baran, arms around her neck, the closest they had ever been. Baran rubbed circles into her back. It was like one huge sigh of relief, and Trinity sank into her, savored it, exhaled a long breath.

“I don’t want to go home,” Trinity whispered close to Baran’s ear.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

Chapter Text

Trinity, with knit brows, slowly pulled out of Baran’s embrace and reached for her phone.

A text from Garcia. One word. 

down

Shit. She had totally forgotten that she did that. She felt her jaw twitch, and she looked up at Baran, whose hands still loosely lingered on her waist after the hug, who was staring intently at her. 

She was so overcome with guilt she thought it might eat her alive. Baran was here, picking her up, taking care of her like she always did, always just a phone call away, always there, always around the corner, and Trinity had been ignoring her and instead texted Garcia.

“Who is it?”

“No one,” Trinity lied.

Baran’s eyes narrowed for barely a millisecond, but she did not pry further, and Trinity was beyond fucking grateful. She didn’t want Baran to know that she had been desperate enough to text Garcia for another late-night hookup. Trinity didn’t respond to the message, she just shoved her phone back into her pocket with a contrite smile. 

They stood in the nighttime air for a moment, breeze blowing through their hair before Baran snaked her hand up to Trinity’s back and silently led her to the car. Trinity stumbled a little, and Baran would tighten her grip to steady her. Trinity began to do it on purpose.

“Careful, honey. Are you dizzy?”

Trinity tried not to smile. “I’m fine.”

Once they got into the car, Trinity leaned her head back hard against the seat and closed her eyes. Maybe Garcia really had been right that one time. She did need therapy.

“That’s the second time you’ve said that, you know,” Baran said as she buckled in.

“Said what?”

“That you don’t want to go home.”

Trinity worried at her bottom lip, racking her brain for an excuse, but she and Baran both knew it was just because she wanted to be around her. 

“Your house is nicer.”

“Even after my renovations to your apartment?”

Trinity nearly snorted. “Yeah, those didn’t last very long. Sorry.”

Baran nodded with a small smile. She did not start the car yet. It had gotten to the point where Trinity could no longer count how many times she had been in this damn car, and she was too tipsy and embarrassed from the combination of their quasi-argument and her guilt to even look at Baran, so she kept her gaze straight. She saw the string of beads that Baran’s son had made her and she reached out, felt them between her fingers.

“Where is he?” Trinity asked.

“With my ex’s parents.”

“Wow,” Trinity sighed. “It’s like the universe doesn’t want me to meet him.”

“Or the universe needs me to be available to pick you up from unsavory dive bars.”

Trinity rolled her eyes. “I could’ve gotten an Uber.”

“No,” Baran said firmly, placing her hand on Trinity’s knee. “I’m glad you’re with me.”

Trinity finally looked over at her, feeling herself melt immediately under the earnest expression on Baran’s face, under her doting words, under the touch that pulsed throughout her body. She could hear her heart pounding thick in her ears. She was too fucked up to think about all the things that both she and Baran had said, but she knew it would hit her later on in the night like a ton of fucking bricks. 

Honestly, she didn’t even want to know.

But at this point, after trying to kiss her, Trinity figured it couldn’t get much worse.

“I can go home, it’s fine,” Trinity said, the liquor beginning to wear off, the overwhelming awareness of being a burden suddenly washing over her in a way that was becoming intolerable.

Baran shook her head as she began to drive. “I have a real guest bedroom that you didn’t make it to last time you slept over. You’re more than welcome to use it,” she said. “Frankly, I would like you to.”

Trinity’s throat was dry as she swallowed. “Okay.”

“You’re going to be sick later. You’re tripping over yourself like a newborn deer.” Baran’s jaw was set very hard in a way that Trinity had only seen a few times. “I’d prefer to be there with you.”

Trinity sighed. “I hope you’re wrong about that.”

Really, she didn’t. She actually hoped the opposite. She had absolutely no problem fantasizing about Baran holding her hair back, rubbing between her shoulder blades.

“I’m seldom wrong.”

“And you’re humble, too,” Trinity mumbled.

“Don’t use up all of your energy on talking back to me.”

Trinity bit back a smile. Even though she didn’t want to, she listened. She was spent from that outside-the-bar-heated-discussion anyway. Instead of conjuring up another sarcastic remark, she tried to let herself relax and enjoy these last few moments of tipsy bliss before the hangover reared its head.

She watched Baran drive, her own lids heavy and half-closed.

Trinity couldn’t possibly hide the disappointment on her face when Baran pulled into Trinity’s apartment complex rather than the driveway of her house. She whipped her whole body around to face her, stared at Baran as if she had been slapped across the face.

Baran smiled wide.

“I can’t stay?”

“You’re staying, sweetheart. Go pack a bag.”

Trinity breathed out, trying to ignore the smug look on Baran’s face, trying to ignore her body being overtaken by heat. 

***

Once she had grabbed her stuff from home and they had made it to Baran’s house, Trinity felt that familiar warmth radiate onto her.

Baran’s home just had a feeling. 

She watched Baran unbutton her coat, revealing a tight black tank underneath, and her gold necklace gleamed as she reached behind Trinity to hang it, and just when she thought she couldn’t possibly be any more attracted to her, here she was, with her toned arms and beautiful hair and her hands now on Trinity’s shoulders, slipping off her own oversized jacket for her.

She burned under Baran’s gaze that was traveling all over her body.

“That’s cute,” Baran said.

Trinity looked down at her shirt. “I thought you would like it.”

She realized how weird that sounded as soon as she said it, and she looked up to be met with Baran’s raised brow.

“Not that I had… planned this.”

“Mm.”

“Seriously.”

“No, you’re just dressing up with me in mind.”

Trinity pursed her lips in defeat, tried to pretend like she wasn’t turned on, tried to ignore Baran standing in front of her with her arms folded over her chest and how it made her muscles bulge and how her skin glowed under the amber lighting of her house. More things to try to ignore, so many things, and they were all starting to build up, as they often did when she was around Baran, and soon she would crumble. It was the same formula every time. It was fucking exhausting.

She had to get away from her for a moment before she did another thing she’d regret.

“Can I go shower the bar off of me?”

“Of course.”

Her head was beginning to ache. Baran offered to help her, but Trinity assured her that she would be fine on her own; she remembered where everything was. And she couldn’t be in the same room with Baran and her goddamn arms for a second longer.

She smiled again when she saw all of Baran’s products in the shower.

The hot water sobered her up a little more, and as she dried off, she thought about that time Baran had faltered, that time Trinity was in a towel. She thought about everything. The conversation they had outside of the bar hours earlier was so blurry in the back of her mind. She didn’t know if Baran had confessed anything, but she knew that she was here, in her house, and she knew that Baran cared about her, and she knew that Baran was right, this whole thing was devastatingly complicated, and she was thinking about herself too much. 

She didn’t know how to stop doing that.

She didn’t know how to make herself stop wanting Baran, either, but not for a lack of trying. She had really tried. It seemed the more she attempted to keep her attraction at bay, the worse it became. It just kept growing and growing and gnawing at her. Ignoring her at the hospital, trying to put on a facade like Baran’s praise didn’t make her skin light up. She thought that maybe she had ignored her for long enough that it would begin to wear off, maybe she would forget about her a little, but she only thought about her more, as if that were even possible.

She only wanted to kiss her more.

And Baran looked really fucking good in that tank top.

But two could play at this game.

She had brought little plaid blue shorts, even shorter than the ones Baran had given her, just short enough to cover her scars, and a tight white v-neck long sleeve. She knew Baran liked her body. It was no secret at this point, and it wasn’t like she even tried to make it a secret, and yet she had the nerve to mock Trinity about her subtlety, or lack thereof. Might as well make the playing field a little more fair, considering how dizzy Trinity got whenever Baran’s bare arms were visible.

She padded back downstairs with a fresh face and damp hair, and Baran was waiting for her on the couch, still dressed, one leg crossed over the other. Trinity squeezed right beside Baran, hugging her knees up to her chest.

“Here,” Baran said, reaching over to the table and handing Trinity some sort of pale blue liquid. “Drink this.”

“What is it?”

“Electrolytes.”

Trinity chugged the whole glass in hopes that Baran would praise her, but all she did was watch. Trinity tried to push away the disappointment. Baran’s eyes flickered down to Trinity’s chest but they were quick to move back up, as if she had caught herself.

“Do you want to talk?”

Trinity put the glass down and parted her lips. “About what?”

“You know what.”

Trinity looked at her. Why did they have to talk? Trinity could just climb onto her instead and that would be much more efficient than talking.

“Can we just sit for a little?”

Baran nodded. “Sure. How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts, but that’s nothing new.”

“You’ve had a lot to drink.” Baran tilted her head. “Do you and Whitaker go out often?”

“Yeah,” Trinity said. “He was tired tonight but… oh my God, he would kill me for this, but I have to show you.” Trinity grabbed her phone and pulled up a video from a few weekends ago of Whitaker dancing at a club, doing the robot, the sprinkler, among other terribly outdated dance moves to a Britney Spears song.

Baran covered her mouth with her hand to stifle her laugh.

“Isn’t it amazing?”

“I have a feeling he would be very upset that I saw that,” Baran said with a smile. “But yes, it is amazing.”

Trinity wanted to live inside this moment forever, stick it into a snowglobe and shake it around whenever she missed the feeling. She felt closer to Baran now than she ever had before, and she felt like the luckiest woman on earth for Baran’s smile to be right beside her again, for Baran’s shoulder to be brushing against hers and shooting electricity everywhere throughout Trinity’s veins, for their laughs to be overlapping and hardly distinguishable. 

She wanted this. She wanted all of it. She thought she had messed it up permanently.

And now it seemed like maybe, just maybe, Baran wanted it, too. In a new way. In a way that was actually attainable.

And then Trinity’s face dropped.

Garcia was calling her.

She quickly hit decline and felt her skin grow impossibly hot. She knew Baran was looking at her, looking at her with that expression on her face, the brow slightly arched, her teeth clenched. The expression that made Trinity melt into a useless puddle beneath her.

“Sorry,” Trinity breathed.

Baran did not speak for a moment, but when she did, her voice was level. “You’ve been talking?”

“No,” Trinity answered quickly.

“Look at me.”

Trinity braced herself to collapse under Baran’s gaze. When she did, she inhaled a shaky breath. Her eyes were so dark, and there was so much behind them, as if they were asking for something.

“She texted you? Outside the bar?”

So, life lesson: don’t try to hide things from Baran Al-Hashimi. She will find out within the hour. Trinity couldn’t possibly avoid the truth anymore, and she didn’t want to, it was too much effort to keep all of this from Baran. 

“Yeah,” Trinity exhaled.

Baran slightly tilted her chin upward. “Did you text her first?”

Trinity imagined standing on a cliff, the last of her dignity beside her. This was all so fucked. She questioned if she should throw it, weighed the pros and cons.

“Yeah,” she repeated.

She threw it.

For the shortest of seconds, Baran faltered. Trinity watched her swallow roughly, watched her lip twitch. Her words were quiet and almost hesitant. “Did you text her before you texted me?”

Trinity’s heart had probably slowed to a stop. She had never heard Baran’s words break like that. She searched Baran’s expression, tried to find something to latch on to, but there was nothing.

“I felt too guilty to text you.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah, but, I texted you—”

“After you texted her.”

Trinity shook her head as if to make this whole conversation disappear, to restart, to time travel back to moments ago when they were laughing together, back to the car, anywhere but here, anywhere but this. “I didn’t want to text her.”

Baran tongued her inner cheek. Still, her composure remained intact. “I had been messaging you all week.”

God, Trinity felt like such an asshole. A major fucking asshole. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I just… I don’t know. I wanted to feel something. I’m sort of a self-destructive person, if you hadn’t noticed.”

Trinity had almost expected her to laugh, but Baran did not react. 

“I just wanted to feel something,” Trinity repeated, as if that would help.

Baran’s eyes were closed, and there was a line between her brows. Trinity watched her begin to crack. “But you’re—” she cut herself off and stood up very quickly.

Trinity looked up at her with wide, pleading eyes, but Baran failed to meet them. “I’m what?”

“Nothing.”

“Baran—”

“I’m going to bed,” Baran said. “I’ll show you the guest room.”

Trinity stood up too, now, blood pumping. “Why?”

Baran didn’t answer her, she just walked into the kitchen, heels clicking against the floor. She began to silently pour herself a glass of water, the ire practically buzzing off of her skin. 

Trinity trailed close behind. “Why the fuck are you mad at me?”

Baran turned on her heel, looking the angriest that Trinity had ever seen, her irises blazing. Before she knew it, Baran’s hand was wrapped around her jaw. Not roughly, but firm enough to force her to look at her. Trinity blinked. She felt every muscle, every bone in her body go completely still under her touch. 

“You better stop speaking to me like that,” Baran said calmly. Her eyes were shooting fire right into Trinity’s. “What haven’t I done for you recently? Can you name one thing, Trinity? You are in my home that you asked to stay in. Would you rather stay at Garcia’s?”

Trinity shook her head slowly.

“Well, it sure as hell seems like it.”

“Okay, I’m sorry I said that,” Trinity breathed. “But I don’t get why you’re mad about her.”

Baran dropped her hand from Trinity’s jaw and moistened her lips. “You refused to talk to me all week despite my efforts. And, after that stunt you pulled at the restaurant, it’s disappointing to know that your mind went to her first.”

“It didn’t,” Trinity pleaded. “I’ve been thinking about you all fucking week. You don’t leave my fucking head.”

Yeah, definitely still drunk. She didn’t fucking care anymore. She had already tried to kiss Baran, her heart was already bleeding down her sleeve, what else did she have left to lose?

“I texted her because I deserved to be hurt,” she continued. “I didn’t deserve you to be kind to me. I messed everything up. I felt like such an idiot. I still feel like one now, obviously. I wanted to text you. I was just so angry at myself.”

Baran was searching her face, gaze transitioning to and from Trinity’s eyes and mouth.

“I am not okay with being ignored by you,” Baran said. “If you want to do this, you need to be able to talk to me.”

Trinity nodded eagerly. She was right. Trinity had been such an immature asshole, always so scared of her own feelings, never prepared or ready to face the consequences of her actions. 

If you want to do this… What did that mean?

“I’m sorry,” Trinity said again, softly.

Baran somewhat nodded as if to silently accept the apology. “And you need to tell me if you want her.”

“It’s not that I want her.” Trinity pressed her lips together and looked away from Baran, holding her focus on the floor. “I just… have needs.”

Baran’s chest rose slowly and fell.

“But why does it even matter?” Trinity asked, palms turned to the air. “Why do you care about Garcia?”

Baran was rubbing the side of her neck. Trinity could tell there were a million things going on in her head, and she so badly wanted to be inside of her mind, to be privy to all of it. 

“I hate the thought of her touching you,” Baran said.

Trinity blinked. The words had come out of nowhere, and Baran had said them so simply. Trinity was reeling, thinking back to the beginning, I like your hair like that, I don’t like the way she speaks to you, her matter-of-fact way of spelling everything out, how Trinity’s brain had been fighting against her the whole time. But Baran had made it so obvious. 

The corner of Trinity’s lip ticked up, and she really hadn’t meant to smile, but she was in disbelief.

“You’re… jealous?”

Baran folded her arms over her chest. “I wouldn’t say that.”

But as she said that, Baran was stepping closer to her, and Trinity was leaning against the refrigerator. “You want to be the person that touches me?”

Baran tilted her head slightly and let her eyes scan down Trinity’s frame. “I do touch you.”

“Not like that.”

Trinity watched that muscle in Baran’s jaw jump. She loved when it did that. She couldn’t believe that she had made Dr. Al-Hashimi jealous, and now her mind was spiraling, flashing every moment, circling back now to the time with Garcia in the elevator, that shadow that had moved across Baran’s face.

She was back on that cliff, with her dignity. She was ready to push her pride right off with it. She wanted her so badly that nothing else mattered. 

Maybe all of this had gone on long enough.

“I want it to be you,” Trinity breathed out.

Their faces were close, now. Trinity felt the cold steel pressed against her back. She watched the corner of Baran’s mouth raise, so slight that only she would be able to notice. All of her movements, even in the hospital, Trinity felt as if they were designed just for her to see.

“You want what to be me?”

“I just said it.”

“No,” Baran said in a low voice. “Say the whole thing.”

Trinity narrowed her eyes, cheeks on fire. “Don’t be annoying.”

“Don’t be a brat.”

Trinity thought her knees would give out right then.

The first day in the empty exam room. The first car ride. All her dreams. Baran picking her up. Baran taking her back to her house, calling her honey, making her breakfast. The broken wine glass, the praise, her hand around her neck. Her comment to Garcia. The Advil. The wine glass. The fucking wine glass. Her head in Baran’s lap. Baran’s eyes scanning down her body. She had been trying to “rein it in.” My little spitfire.

It had been right in front of her the whole time. Baran was going through the same thing.

It was real.

Before she knew it, Baran was making her signature move, tucking Trinity’s still-damp hair behind her ear. This time, she kept her hand in motion, traced the outline of her jawbone with her fingertips, then, in a movement that made Trinity’s whole body tense up, she brushed her thumb over her lip. Trinity parted them without meaning to, which made Baran smile a little wider.

“Be good,” Baran said softly. “I know you have it in you.”

Baran held Trinity’s chin between her first two fingers and thumb, her pupils dilated, and Trinity inhaled a deep breath, mustering every drop of liquid courage she had left.

“I want you to be the one touching me like that.”

Chapter Text

“I want you to be the one touching me like that.”

When Baran heard the words fall out of Trinity’s pretty mouth, she only had one thought, a thought she had possibly never had before:

Fuck ethics. 

***

This time, Trinity had been the tease. 

She pulled away from Baran and hopped up onto the countertop, legs dangling, a smug smile dancing on her face. 

Baran looked slightly taken aback, eyes tracking Trinity’s movements. It left Trinity reeling. Getting a reaction out of Baran was a high she had never felt before in her life, to make someone so calculated slip, to notice the faintest hints of her faltering.

Two could play at that game indeed.

“So it’s really just you and your son here?” Trinity asked, playing coy by switching the subject, but she and Baran both knew exactly what she was doing.

And Baran was smiling, too, the playfulness peeking out just slightly, which was easy to notice considering how composed she always was, and how now perhaps she was less so, even if she didn’t fully show her cards. 

But upon seeing the sparkle in Baran’s eyes, Trinity’s mind had gone blank, she had forgotten what she asked, if she asked her anything, if she had even spoken.

Baran parted her lips and then brought them back together to lick them and Trinity’s spine went rigid, like the first time Baran had touched her, her palm firmly pressing against her back. She could still feel it, how her muscles had gone solid. 

“Who else would be here?”

Baran had positioned herself between Trinity’s legs. 

She still had her shoes on, so she was nearly level with Trinity. Trinity tensed her jaw as Baran’s smile widened, and Trinity knew that her efforts at having the upper hand had already completely slipped. She felt as if Baran was standing over her, above everything, too tall to reach. 

I am your attending.

Trinity tried to find her breath, but it was shallow. All of the memories, every moment that had led them to this, here, in Baran’s dimly lit kitchen, with no sound besides the low buzz of the refrigerator and Trinity’s heart drumming against her ribcage.

And then, the rain.

Trinity almost laughed as it pattered against the windows. Baran did not lose her eyes, hardly even blinked, as if she were studying every detail of Trinity’s face.

“You just have a big house,” Trinity said.

It was very subtle, almost too indistinct for anyone but Trinity to notice, the cock of Baran’s brow and the way her eyes lowered.

“Then stay longer, if you think it’s too big for one.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Really. I like when you’re here.” 

Trinity was drifting closer and closer to her until their faces were inches apart, until she could see the complexity of her eyes now, finally a clearer picture, the eyes that gazed down upon her. Trinity was overwhelmed with the scent of Baran’s perfume, sandalwood and dreaminess, a warm sweetness with a bite, amber and fire.

“I missed you,” Trinity said, and she hadn’t meant to, but she did, and she meant it, she had missed her more than anything. After getting to know Baran like this, her absence wasn’t something she wanted to feel ever again.

Trinity’s eyes fluttered closed, and she let herself melt into the moment, let it all float away from her, all the overthinking, all the indecision. She wanted to feel Baran’s skin so badly, but she resisted the urge to wrap her arms around her neck. She wanted to let Baran make the decisions. 

For more reasons than one.

Baran held her gaze, her palms flat against the counter on either side of her. The depth in her eyes was dizzying. “I missed you,” she said, her voice deepening in that specific way that drove Trinity crazy. “You know I missed you.”

“I meant what I said. The touching.”

“I know.”

“Did you change your mind?”

Baran was looking at her mouth. “About what?”

“About this. About it being a bad idea.”

“It’s a horrible idea.”

Baran reached out her hand and caressed Trinity’s cheek, and Trinity leaned completely into the touch.

“But I may have changed my mind about what I’m willing to risk.”

Trinity willed herself to wake up from the dream, God knows she had dreamt about Baran more times than she could count, she had dreamt about a moment just like this one, but this time it was real, her hand against her face was real, her face this close was real. 

It was all real.

Trinity inched forward. “Are you gonna push me away again?”

“Are you going to push me away?”

“No.”

It was funny how they knew what the other meant: one physical and one emotional.

“You smell good,” Trinity said quietly.

“I want to be the one touching you like that.”

Trinity’s pulse hammered. Her lips nearly brushed against Baran’s, and she could not be torn away from Baran’s gaze, not when she could feel the heat of her body, could feel every pump of her own heart deep in her bones, could feel her blood prickling and warming, could feel her sensations heightened as if the world had slowed down just for the two of them.

Baran blinked slowly, her stare penetrative, still chasing Trinity’s eyes. Trinity’s lip trembled from the intensity of nerves and desire. There was no longer a gap between their mouths. 

Baran was the one to do it. 

She touched their lips together, just enough to make Trinity’s lids fly closed, and whenever Trinity moved to close her lips around Baran’s, Baran moved her own slightly back. Trinity saw nothing but darkness now, sighing lightly into Baran’s mouth. 

She chased her lips but Baran kept teasing her, not letting her in, and Trinity kept trying to catch them and just missing. She whined a little out of frustration, and she opened her eyes, watched the wide smile overtake Baran’s face in response.

“Say please,” Baran whispered, the words buzzing against Trinity’s lips.

Trinity had forgotten herself, lost sight of everything besides her perception of touch, elevated enough to cause her head to tilt back when Baran gently touched her knuckles to her neck. Baran wasted no time wrapping her fingers around Trinity’s throat, gently, like that day by the pool, her own breath hitching inside of it, swallowing beneath the grip of Baran’s fingertips. 

God, she had wanted this. She couldn’t believe how good it felt. How right. It was as if Baran’s hands belonged on her.

She felt as Baran gained complete control over her, felt as she transformed Trinity into putty between her fingers in a matter of moments, as swift of a motion as the moon casting a shadow of light onto a street. 

Trinity did not consider herself to be obedient by any means.

But she needed her.

“Please.”

She felt Baran smile against her mouth, and Trinity’s hand had made its way to the back of Baran’s head, her body moving without her telling it to, deciding for itself. She gripped a fistful of Baran’s curls and pushed gently. Everything happened in flashes of white light and then quickly returned to blackness.

When their lips connected, Trinity felt the most intense heat she had ever felt rising inside of her chest, deep behind her ribcage, flowing with her blood through veins and arteries, the pulse intensifying by the second, her ears ringing.

Baran’s mouth was soft and hungry. Every inch of Trinity’s body was humming. Baran continued to pull back a little every now and then, making Trinity find her lips, but whenever she did, Baran deepened the kiss, as if to reward her. 

Baran’s hands were now on Trinity’s hips, and she was pushing her deeper into the counter, her knee between Trinity’s legs. With one motion of Baran’s knee, Trinity’s body had stiffened and released, her blood-warm fingers wrapping around the back of Baran’s neck. 

Trinity hadn’t meant to, but her body acted before she could think, and she was trying to press herself against Baran’s knee, looking for any release she could get. It had all been building for so long, and she was soaking wet, she needed more, so much more, she needed everything, but Baran had already taken her knee away.

Trinity released a breath before Baran bit down on her bottom lip, the sting causing Trinity to tense up, then allowed her tongue to draw a circle around Trinity’s lips. Trinity shuddered, Baran’s head low, her mouth now closing around her neck. 

Trinity’s eyes fell closed again, the pleasure almost nauseating, a hum escaping through her lips, her jaw clenching and unclenching with the feeling of Baran’s breath and mouth on the skin of her throat.

Her hands felt empty and so did the air around her, and when Trinity opened her eyes, Baran was no longer pressed against her neck. With her chest rising and falling heavily, she watched Baran roll her shoulders back, exhale, stretch her neck.

“What is that?” Trinity asked, voice barely a breath.

“Hm?”

“Why do you do that?” Trinity replicated the motion of Baran rolling back her shoulders. She had seen it a few times, but the most distinct time she could remember was on the patio, and how her demeanor had changed afterward, as if she were shedding some sort of skin.

Trinity stayed sat on the counter, trying to slow her breathing, the deep hunger that had settled within her only growing by the second. 

The corner of Baran’s mouth raised. “Don’t want to get ahead of myself.”

She missed her, and it had barely been a second. She wanted Baran’s hands on her again. Baran stepped back and took her in, so purposeful with her eyes, always deliberate. A newfound intensity bloomed in them, a deep and blazing darkness. It wasn’t just the color. It was something more. Trinity could still taste metal from Baran biting her lip. 

“You can get ahead of yourself,” Trinity whispered.

The sound of Baran’s heels clicking against the hardwood floor filled Trinity’s ears as she stepped closer to her, taking her chin between her forefinger and thumb without a word, tilting her jaw upward. 

The dream. The glass of water. 

“Maybe just a little.”

She brushed her thumb against Trinity’s lips and manually parted them. Trinity obeyed without a second thought, or even a thought at all. 

“No attitude?”

Trinity shook her head.

Baran’s brows knit as she held her thumb in Trinity’s mouth, and Trinity looked deeply into her eyes, watching Baran’s jaw tighten, watching her lips part. Baran pulled her thumb back slightly then pressed it back in. 

Trinity’s lids had grown very heavy, her eyes glazed over. Baran hummed, deep and low, then slid out her thumb. The sound made Trinity’s eyes flutter completely closed. 

“Good girl,” she whispered, and Trinity watched her mouth form the letters, felt the chill run down her spine and linger long afterward. 

“You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to do that,” Baran said, tracing Trinity’s lips with her damp thumb.

Trinity’s ears rang with static. She bunched the fabric of Baran’s shirt and pulled her close to her, kissing her again and tasting her as much as she could. She slid her hand up to Baran’s exposed collarbone, felt the way it protruded from her skin, remembered the time in the car when she had wanted to do that, when she had seen Baran for the first time in clothes that weren’t scrubs, and she delicately ran her fingers over it, savoring the moment, savoring the touch. 

I’ve been wanting this for so long, she thought to herself, tried to telepathically tell Baran, because she couldn’t possibly talk right now. 

Baran smiled into her mouth again, as if she knew, as if she heard, and broke apart their lips, keeping her face close to Trinity’s. She placed her palm against the counter; it felt very purposeful, the sound of skin hitting marble. Everything was so purposeful with her. Baran smoothed her other hand over Trinity’s hair and gently tucked strands behind her ear.

“You’re not very subtle,” Baran said to her, voice low, her lips against her ear. Her hand was wrapped around Trinity’s throat. She took her earlobe between her teeth and released.

Her voice was heavy, ardent, clear. The richness of dark chocolate, the silky sound of a piano, the hardness of rainfall. Trinity inhaled a shaky breath and Baran’s hand gripped her bare thigh, pressing harder and harder. Trinity’s teeth bit roughly against the flesh of her own bottom lip. 

“So you’ve said,” she exhaled.

Trinity could feel Baran smile against her neck.

“Oh, there she is.”

“You’re just not exactly subtle either.”

“I never claimed to be.” Baran slid her hand up and down Trinity’s thigh, coming up to look her in the eye. “You pretend.” 

Baran smiled sharply and Trinity noticed the flames burning in her irises.

Trinity rolled her eyes, not wanting to give herself away. “What is it you think I want so badly?”

Baran looked down. She pressed her hand against the small of Trinity’s back and used the other to part her thighs. Trinity gasped, her head tilting back immediately, melting underneath her touch.

“That.”

The single word caused a soft moan to slip out of Trinity’s mouth, and Baran searched Trinity’s face in return. She began to smile and pulled her hand back.

“I like when you prove my point, darling. You know I like to be right.”

Trinity decided she would just prove her point further. She took one of her hands and slid it down Baran’s arm, then back up and down again, slowly, until she reached where her hand was on Trinity’s thigh. She laced her fingers into Baran’s, then guided her hand back up again.

Baran watched intently. Trinity felt her entire body shudder under Baran’s touch as she continued to move Baran’s hand upwards. Baran lifted her chin when she heard Trinity hum, then retracted her hand. 

When Trinity looked up to meet her eyes, Baran was already staring daggers into hers. 

“That’s cute,” she said gently.

The first day.

The first touch.

She really did know the whole time.

Trinity blinked, pursing her lips before biting down on her bottom one. She felt them tingling, almost burning, anxiously waiting to feel the connection of Baran’s again. She could not speak. 

Baran slowly tilted her head to the side, then stepped back. “Stand up.”

“Why?”

Baran then wrapped her hand back around Trinity’s throat. Trinity let out a strangled gasp. Baran had leaned in close, her lips brushing against Trinity’s ear.

“When I tell you to do something,” she whispered. “You don’t ask why.”

Baran pulled back and smiled as if she pitied her. “You’ll learn,” she said, using her fingertips to tilt Trinity’s jawbone. “Stand up.”

Trinity listened.

“Good,” Baran cooed softly. She then spun Trinity around too quickly for her head to catch up, and her hand was pressed into her back, forcing Trinity to grab onto the counter. She gasped, and the familiar feeling returned, the chill up her spine, her heart thick in her throat. 

“Hm,” Baran hummed, taking her in. She trailed her fingers up Trinity’s back, then back down, further and further, until she reached the hem of Trinity’s shorts.

“I know why you wore these,” Baran said, her tone low and sultry and so sexy and Trinity was already so dizzy she could barely take it.

“They were the first thing I saw.”

“Oh yeah?” Baran cooed, her fingers slowly traveling up them, and again, Trinity involuntarily pressed herself against Baran.

She heard Baran exhale a condescending laugh. “Is that why?”

Trinity huffed out a frustrated sigh.

“I’m not going to do it, you know.”

Trinity’s jaw tightened. She didn’t like to be frustrated. “What?”

Baran dipped her head down until her mouth was close to Trinity’s ear. Trinity avoided making eye contact until seconds later, and when she finally did, she saw the sharp smile spread across Baran’s face.

“I’m not going to touch you, sweetheart.”

Trinity swallowed dryly. Her throat felt like sandpaper.

“Like I said earlier,” Baran continued, sliding her hand down Trinity’s back. “I’m going to bed.”

She wasn’t touching her anymore. Trinity shut her eyes for a moment and stayed in the position that Baran had put her in as she heard the sound of Baran’s heels walk out of the kitchen. 

Her breath was still heavy, her hands trembling against the countertop, the taste of Baran lodged in her throat.

Chapter Text

Trinity’s life had been divided into two sections, now.

When she was with Baran, and when she was not. The latter half felt unbelievably empty. The vastness of Baran’s absence, whenever she wasn’t there, was devastating. Even now, Baran had simply walked away, she was in the same house, just right upstairs, but Trinity longed for her in a way that scared the shit out of her.

And every time they were apart, that ache became less of an ache and more of a burn that radiated throughout her entire body.

Trinity was addicted to her.

She braced herself against the counter. Her head felt as if it had been shaken around, her skin still buzzing, her breath impossible to catch. She pressed her fingertips against her lips. 

Baran had left her there reeling after the greatest kiss of her life. Left her to question if she had dreamt it or not.

Everything had changed so fucking fast.

She swallowed thickly and forced her body to move, feeling as if she were trying to work her way through quicksand, her muscles hardly compliant. She ran a hand through her hair and walked slowly down the hallway. 

Trinity jumped when she came face to face with Baran around the corner, leaning against the staircase railing, arms folded over her chest. Her lip curled upward. Of course it did.

“You okay?”

Even after all that, Trinity still didn’t want to give herself entirely away, so what she said was: “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Baran’s chin tilted up. “It took you a little while to come over here.”

Embarrassed, Trinity’s gaze fell off to the side. It was hard to look at her after all of that, and she was decently taller now with her heels on and without the height of the counter to level them out. She felt as if she were on display for her, all of her feelings, all of her vulnerability. 

Trinity Santos wasn’t exactly used to being shy. 

“Well, you didn’t have to just stand here.”

Baran lifted her brows and said nothing.

“I thought you were going to bed,” Trinity continued. 

Baran’s smile widened. Her hands snaked around Trinity’s waist, and she nearly hummed at the touch. She was utterly defenseless. She didn’t want to admit how good it felt for Baran’s hands to be on her again, even though it had barely been any time at all.

“I wouldn’t leave you like that,” Baran said quietly.

Her eyes moved around Trinity’s face, trying to read her, but Trinity was focused on the ground. She kept her arms crossed.

“You did, though.”

Baran’s mouth fell slightly open as if she were in disbelief, but she was still smiling. “Are you upset with me?”

“No.”

Baran slowly ducked her head down and pressed a kiss onto Trinity's neck. “Is that why you won’t look at me?”

Jesus. Baran’s words buzzed against Trinity’s skin, and she shuddered a little, her balance growing unsteady. She still waited to wake up. Nothing had ever felt so perfect as Baran’s mouth on her, and she didn’t know what she had done to deserve something that felt so good. 

Her hands inadvertently fell to hold herself up against Baran’s chest, her lids closing. Once Baran began to lick and nip at her neck, Trinity couldn’t help but sigh out a soft moan, wrapping her arms around Baran’s shoulders to grant easier access.

“All better?” Baran asked into Trinity’s ear.

Trinity shook her head.

“No?”

Baran kissed her again, then began to gradually trail them upward, right until she reached the sensitive spot just below Trinity’s ear. 

Trinity couldn’t even think about anything. Baran’s tone was so condescending it was infuriating.

Was that the word?

Once Baran began to suck and nip at Trinity’s skin, the sound that came out of her was much louder this time.
Baran pulled back to look at her, one hand still wrapped around the side of Trinity’s neck. 

“You seem fine to me,” she said, that fucking smirk still plastered on her face. “You sure sound it.”

Fuck this. Trinity forced herself out of Baran’s grip and tried to walk away, but the hand that Baran had on her waist was quick to tighten its grip, preventing her from moving away any further.

“What is it, angel?” 

The softness of the pet name and the deepness in Baran’s tone made Trinity melt a little, but the last thing she wanted was to show it, to give away the sheer amount of power that the kiss had on her, to reveal how deep Baran had her claws in her. She had already shown her hand too much tonight. 

“You’re annoying,” she said.

Baran was beaming down at her. “I’m annoying?”

“Stop smiling.”

Baran pressed her lips together.
“I think,” she said, her voice lowering, fingertips traveling slightly up beneath Trinity’s shirt. “You’re acting out because you didn’t get what you wanted.”

Trinity tried very hard not to grant any power to the sensation of Baran’s fingers against the bare skin of her stomach. 

“I’m not acting out.”

“That’s what you're choosing to argue?” Baran drew shapes against Trinity’s abdomen with her thumb. “So it’s true that you didn’t get what you wanted?”

Trinity clenched her jaw, the touch sending chills up and down her spine. She knew there wasn’t exactly a way around Baran. 

“No,” Trinity conceded.

Baran’s dark eyes glimmered. “That must be frustrating.”

“You’re frustrating.”

Baran clicked her tongue and tilted her head to the side. She brushed her other thumb over Trinity’s lips again, pulling the bottom one down. “You were so good for me earlier.”

Trinity straightened up a little.

“Let me be clear, Trinity,” Baran said, hand moving down to gently cup Trinity’s jaw. “I want to be the only one touching you like that.”

The words surprised her so much she had to bite back a smile.

“So you need to get that sorted, first.” On the word “that”, she motioned her head to the phone in Trinity’s pocket.

Trinity’s heart thumped a little at the thought of all of this. Not because she wanted to be with Garcia, but because it suddenly all felt very real. Garcia wouldn’t care about Trinity ending things, it was all casual, anyway, she would be completely fine with it. It wouldn’t even be a blip on her radar. But immediately, Baran was the opposite, telling Trinity nothing more would happen between them unless she had her to herself.

She didn’t entirely know how to feel. She wasn’t used to this. It was such foreign, uncharted territory. She wasn’t sure how to allow herself to be wanted like that.

But she was pretty sure she sort of loved this possessive side of Baran.

“You’re serious?”

Baran’s expression was complete stone. “Very serious.”

But why? Trinity knew she had asked before, but she still couldn’t figure it out. She knew that Baran liked to take care of her. But what she wanted, Trinity couldn’t decipher. What about Trinity appealed to her, she still could not distinguish. She tried to pick herself apart, but she could find nothing, not even in the rawest parts of her. She felt the affection, but understanding, an answer, an explanation to her limitless questions, she was still desperately searching for.

She wanted to be able to stop asking questions. She just didn’t know how.

Trinity rolled her eyes, and the smile began to peek out. “Sure thing, boss.”

Baran cocked a brow and stared intensely at her.

“I will,” Trinity said quickly.

“There we go.” 

Baran pulled her in gently by her jaw and connected their lips together, and Trinity felt it all over again, her body lighting up. She sank into it completely. Right when her body returned to itself and she reached out to touch Baran, she had disconnected the kiss.

Trinity pouted and leaned forward, missing her. “Come back.”

Baran’s fingertips were still firm around Trinity’s jaw, and she smiled out the side of her mouth. “You’re precious,” she said, squeezing Trinty’s cheeks together. “Don’t make this difficult for me.”

They looked at each other for a long moment. Baran’s eyes were crystal clear, and Trinity still felt drunk, but that was just the way Baran made her feel, a constant state of intoxication. 

As Baran removed her hand from Trinity’s face and positioned it on her waist alongside the other one, Trinity was sure her own eyes must have lit up.

She may have faltered a little, but two could still play at that game. 

Don’t make it difficult, where was the fun in that? That would be so unlike her.

She pushed herself close against her and moved upward, her mouth close to her ear, her wrists draping around Baran’s neck, acting instead of thinking, every movement too quick for her brain to catch up and psych itself out.

“You really should feel,” she whispered.

She stepped back to analyze Baran’s expression, which had straightened out, but still maintained its usual unreadability.

Trinity slid her hand over one of Baran’s that held her waist and looked at her, lingering there for a moment as if to ask permission, and when Baran did not move away, and even nodded her head upward ever-so-slightly, barely a tick, Trinity guided her hand down the waistband of her shorts, wanting to look away despite what she was doing, not wanting to confront it, but Baran chased her gaze and held onto it tightly.

Once Baran had felt her, and once the sensation of Baran’s fingers grazing against the fabric rushed throughout Trinity’s body, both of their mouths parted. The only sound in the room was both of their hollowed out breaths. The touch was so light it was barely there, but Trinity’s eyelids quickly grew heavy and fell closed. 

She could have sworn she heard a sigh escape out of Baran, and Trinity released a shaky breath, a smile spreading across her face. She didn’t get nearly enough time before Baran had retracted her hand.

“Go upstairs,” she said firmly.

Trinity exhaled a laugh, a little dizzy. “Am I in trouble?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.”

“Now you’re the one who’s upset.”

Baran feigned a tight-lipped smile. “Would you like me to drive you back home?”

Trinity held her hands up in surrender, walking backwards until she reached the staircase. She climbed up a few stairs before leaning over the railing and looking down at Baran.

“Are you coming?”

“No.”

Trinity blinked. “Why not?”

Baran smiled and folded her arms over her chest, and Trinity’s gaze wasted no time in falling right onto the protruding muscles. 

“What is it that you need me for?”

Trinity tried to think of something on the spot that wasn’t just I want to be with you. “I don’t know where my room is,” she mumbled.

“Last room on the left.”

Trinity furrowed her brow and dangled her hands into the air, playing with her fingers. “When are you coming up?”

“You sure are needy for a tease.”

Trinity narrowed her eyes at her. “You’re the tease.”

Baran was wearing a very faint smile. It was mostly in her eyes.

She lifted her hand to her face as if to stroke her chin, and she held her first two fingers under her nose, the smile still behind the gaps.

Trinity squinted at her. 

Once she realized, her eyes widened into saucers, her heart plummeting straight down. Goosebumps sprouted all over her skin.

Jesus Christ.

As soon as Baran caught that Trinity had noticed, she put her hand down. “Am I?”

“Stop,” Trinity whined. She held both of her arms out, palms upward, willing Baran to take them. “Don’t do that.”

Baran laced their fingers together and kissed one of Trinity’s hands.

“Come upstairs.”

Baran moved her hand to Trinity’s face, thumb on her chin and forefinger underneath it, tilting her head down to get a better look at her.

“What do you say?”

Trinity rolled her eyes and looked away.

“Really?” Baran said, tone dripping with patronization. “All that and you won’t ask nicely?”

Trinity pressed her lips together.

“And what did I say about looking at me when I’m speaking to you?”

She met Baran’s piercing gaze and reached her hand out, fingertips brushing lightly down Baran’s chest, tracing the slant of her collarbone. 

“Please,” she forced out.

“Like you mean it.”

“Please come upstairs.”

Baran pinched Trinity’s chin to release it. “That’s better, Trinity.”

The praise rolled right through her. Baran climbed the stairs behind Trinity and, once she reached her, placed her hand firmly against her back. Trinity paused to look up at her. Baran stopped in time with her, hand sliding up to the back of Trinity’s neck then into her hair, fingers raking through it.

A week ago, Trinity wouldn’t have let herself look at her like this.

She thought of all those moments when Baran was driving, the only times when she would really let herself get a good, long look at her. And now, here they were, halfway up Baran’s staircase, and the seal had been broken.

They continued walking, sharing something within the unspoken.

Baran brought Trinity to the guest room, which was spacious and beautiful and had the scent of fresh linen lingering in the air, but it wasn’t what she wanted.

“Let me know if you need anything,” Baran said, her intonation resonant, her hand offering a gentle squeeze onto the nape of Trinity’s neck.

When Baran turned to leave, Trinity quickly reached for her hand.

Baran looked down at their hands then up at Trinity. “What is it, honey?”

“Do I have to sleep in there?”

“Is something wrong with it?”

“It’s not that.”

Baran made an ‘o’ with her mouth before her lips curved into a small, knowing smile. Her eyes were all sparkly. 

“Trinity, one bad decision has already been made tonight.”

“Why can’t we just sleep next to each other? We don’t even have to touch. You can wedge a pillow between us.”

Baran gave her a look. “I’m not going to do that.”

“It’s not a bad decision.”

“It certainly is.”

“Why?”

Baran lifted her hand and caressed Trinity’s cheek. “Because you’re you.”

“What does that even mean?”

Baran inhaled deeply, eyes traveling across Trinity’s face, then down to her mouth. “It means you have to sleep in here tonight. And until you get everything sorted out.”

Trinity scoffed a little. “It’s not like she and I are together.”

“No,” Baran said, her posture tall. “But she expects things of you.”

“What things?”

“Sex. Texts.”

Trinity smirked. She liked to be reminded of how jealous Baran was showing herself to be, now. “You’re still on that?”

Baran tilted her head to the side. “Sweet dreams.”

“Wait.” Trinity grabbed her wrist as she turned to leave again. She actually didn’t have anything else to say, but she didn’t want this night to end, she wanted time to stop completely. She didn’t want this feeling to go away, the magic that existed within this night.

And she was so used to nothing going the way she expected or wanted it to. She was so used to being disappointed. Maybe she was just trying to delay the inevitable, being let down yet again. She was always getting so ahead of herself.

And this was certainly something that felt too good to be true.

She wanted to tell her that she would text her right now, put a definitive end to it, just so that she could sleep next to her, but she knew Baran would say something all haughty like Don’t be hasty, Dr. Santos.

So she would try to be patient. Baran raised an eyebrow, and Trinity pouted up at her.

She knew. Baran leaned in and kissed her very softly. The kind of kiss you give to someone you care about, like their lips are something to be savored. She smoothed her hand over Trinity’s hand one last time and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Goodnight, Trinity.” 

Trinity tried to reach out for her again, but she couldn’t catch her.

Chapter Text

Goodnight, Trinity. 

The torturous cycle of the night went as follows: Trinity would have a dream about Baran; her teeth, the bridge of her nose, the flutter of her lashes; and then she would startle awake.

Here she was in Baran’s guest bedroom, with the faint scent of sandalwood surrounding her, with the linger of Baran’s lips soft against Trinity’s forehead. She would toss and turn, drift off again, have another vivid dream where Baran would smile into her mouth and edge her fingertips along the curve of Trinity’s waist, and then her eyes would fly open again, and the cycle would repeat. 

Somewhere in the hour of three, Trinity began to give up and stared at the ceiling fan that spun slowly. She usually slept so well when she was in Baran’s vicinity. Maybe she drank too much. She was all bent out of shape. 

She resisted the urge to crawl out of bed and stumble into Baran’s room, to slip into the sheets beside her, if only to feel the warmth that buzzed off of her skin and nothing more. They didn’t even need to touch. It was enough to just be next to her. It was more than enough.

But of course, Trinity’s mind wandered, as it always did when thoughts of Baran began to form and blur together, all those images of her, all the words she had said, gently and only for Trinity. 

The times in the hospital when they would be in a group, all speaking the same way, clinically, and everyone would go besides Baran, her Baran, Baran who would linger for barely a moment and say something to her, something as simple as a “You good?”, but her voice would lower and soften, and…

Trinity could feel it, she could feel how firm the secret language they had invented had become. It deepened every day. Every second. 

Her mind continued to spin, and now in her dreamy half-awake state she could feel Baran’s hands on her, phantom touches, what she would do if Baran was the one to crack the door ajar and ease into the bed, how her palms would travel down Trinity’s stomach, how well she would treat her, how good she would make her feel, the chill beneath her fingertips, how Trinity’s body would jolt under her touch and her hips would lift for her, and Baran would probably do something so annoying, like laugh at how eager she was, something so annoying and sexy that Trinity would undoubtedly just completely melt beneath her. And she would be hers. 

Trinity was so used to running away from everything, ever evasive, always avoiding. But she would be hers. She was okay with being hers. She wouldn’t run.

Trinity breathed out into the empty air, willed Baran to walk in, squeezed her eyes shut tight. Come back. Walk in here. Miss me enough to walk in here. 

Trinity turned her head to the side and rested her hands on her lower ribs, felt herself breathe in and out, inhaled as much of the scent of Baran that she could, the remaining scent of detergent on the pillowcases, the same airy smell of her clothes, amber and softness.

She had done this before, on Baran’s couch. What was wrong with her? These moments when the thoughts just became too intense, too much. Too real. 

She was so exhausted and still probably a little drunk and it didn’t take much effort to be able to feel the image of Baran on top of her, she didn’t even have to think very hard at all, it was very easy to imagine, she had practically memorized what happened in the kitchen, etched it into every crevice of her brain, how Baran’s lips felt against her neck and how her fingers felt on her trembling thighs, how Baran had noticed, tightened her grip to still her, pressed her fingertips into Trinity’s shaking skin. 

She couldn’t help herself. The ache was beginning to become overbearing. Her hand slowly travelled downwards, the brain’s connection between thought and action severing, and she could hardly even question herself. She knew in the back of her mind how wrong it was to be doing this with Baran in the room beside her, but she was barely conscious and she needed it.

She felt it. She felt what mere thoughts of Baran had done to her body, and she exhaled a soft moan, tried to go easy on herself, just a little relief and she would stop, but she needed more. She needed her. 

So she gave herself more. She had resisted enough. She could be quiet, even though the way just thinking about Baran made her feel made her want to cry out, but if she bit hard enough on her lip she only broke out a couple of desperate moans. 

She didn’t mean to. She didn’t mean to let the shape of Baran’s name form and die on her lips, either, only mouthing it, not letting herself say it. It made her feel safer to be engulfed in nothing but darkness and to pretend she wasn’t saying Baran’s name. She could pretend all she wanted that this wasn’t overtaking every part of her. It would never be the truth.

She ground her hips against her own fingers, trying to catch the release she couldn’t quite find, not while these fingers were her own and not Baran’s. 

She thought of Baran’s heavy eyelids, the outline of muscle in her arms, how they would look pressing herself up, holding her body weight, the veins of her other arm flexing as her fingers moved in and out of Trinity, what she would say to her, how she would look at her like she was the only person that saw her, that darkness in her eyes, and Trinity was starting to completely lose herself, now. 

She tilted her head back, remembered these were Baran’s sheets, this was her house, and it only intensified the shock that was bursting through her. She knew it wouldn’t take long, her lips now completely parted, her chest heaving.

“Trinity?”

She ripped her hand out of her underwear and shot up, her neck craning toward the door, and there she was, a figure in the darkness. 

Was it actually her? 

Was she real?

Trinity’s heart was lodged so deep in her throat she could barely catch her breath. She didn’t see you. She didn’t see you.

Keep telling yourself that. 

“Hey,” Trinity managed, but her voice broke in the middle of the word. She swallowed hard and dry, watched Baran’s shadowed figure come closer, hoped to God that Baran couldn’t see her through the darkness, that she didn’t hear her. 

Play it cool, Santos. 

Baran was right above her now, and Trinity could make out some of her features. The lips she had just been thinking so much about. 

“Everything okay?”

“Um… yeah?”

“Mm.”

“Why are you up?” Trinity asked. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“I woke up.” She could see Baran’s lips curve into a smile, and she leaned her head down. “You’re loud.”

Trinity felt every muscle in her body go stiff. She felt the color drain from her skin.

There had been so many times with Baran when Trinity said to herself that this could not possibly be happening. But this had to be some sick sort of fucking dream. 

She could have sworn she was being quiet.

Baran’s fingers wrapped around the part of Trinity’s neck where it met her shoulder and she kissed her jaw. Trinity breathed her all in.

“What do you mean?”

“Is that what we’re doing?”

Trinity’s jaw clenched hard until her teeth hurt. All this, and she still was reluctant to show her hand? She could feel desire dripping off of Baran’s words, how her voice deepened. Baran knew. There was nothing that she could hide from her. Why did she even try?

“Your walls are that thin?”

Baran exhaled a laugh and brushed her lips against Trinity’s ear. “Maybe I was trying to listen.”

How did she just say things? How was she so unafraid? And how was it possible that she wanted her like this, the same way that Trinity so badly wanted her? How was any of this possible? Trinity wanted to reach out and touch her, but her body was still frozen in shock.

Close to Trinity’s ear, she whispered, “Do you need some help?”

Trinity blinked as Baran pulled back slightly, her brain trying to piece parts of her face together. Trying to piece everything together. She wanted so badly to see her, she was left forced to imagine all the movements she would be making that Trinity was so entranced by. The arch of her brow, the infamous smirk, the tilt of her head. 

Trinity couldn’t answer her. Her breath was trapped inside her throat. 

“Do you, sweetheart?”

Trinity nodded. It was all she could do. She felt like she was no longer here, just floating above everything, her body no longer hers. She had never felt like this. 

“Yeah?” Baran teased into her neck, and Trinity could feel her smile against it, and she still didn’t know if this was real. If she was real. Maybe she had made her up.

She heard herself whine. She felt Baran’s smile widen against her skin.

“That’s pretty, Trinity, but you need to tell me.”

Luckily, Trinity had entered a new space where all the rules she had for herself no longer existed. A world only Baran knew, a world Baran herself had fabricated, a world where she didn’t have anything to prove. She didn’t have to fight it. She had nothing left to protect. She wrapped her arms around Baran’s neck and tangled her fingers into her hair and pulled her down and brought her even closer and whispered the words, “I need you.”

Baran pressed her fingers onto the soaked fabric. “I can tell,” she said darkly. 

Trinity whimpered again, trying to push herself against her, but Baran’s touch had gone as soon as it had arrived. 

“Say it again.”

Trinity only sank deeper into this. Whatever this was. This thing. This world they had built from each other. She squeezed her thighs together and tried to relieve the ache as much as she could. 

“I need you,” Trinity repeated, pushing herself up further to reach Baran, their mouths outlining each other’s but not connecting. “I need you.”

Baran smiled and spoke against her lips. “Where’d all your fight go?”

“Please shut up.”

“Look at you, saying please.” 

“Baran.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“You,” Trinity breathed.

“What about me?”

“Can’t we stop talking?”

Baran touched the fabric again, so lightly it almost killed her, her fingertips hardly grazing her, but it was enough to make Trinity’s hips buck.

And then her fingers traced the edge and broke the seal and she touched her. 

And the sound that came out of Trinity was not one she had ever made before. 

Her head fell onto Baran’s shoulder and she heard her laugh, low and knowingly, and again, her hand was gone. 

Trinity heaved a sigh. “Are you gonna stop doing that?”

“Trinity,” she warned with a lilt in her tone. “It’s not happening tonight.”

“Why not?”

Even in the darkness, she knew the look that Baran was giving her. It almost made her smile.

“I believe I already told you that.”

She watched Baran’s outline in the dark, watched her bring her fingers to her mouth and wrap her lips around them, humming after tasting her, then leaning her head low and kissing her deeply, her hand wrapped around her throat. 

Trinity replayed it over and over again. Tried to wrap her head around Dr. Al-Hashimi knowing how she tasted.

“It’s hard for me, too,” Baran said afterward, while Trinity reeled. 

“It doesn’t have to be.”

Baran smiled like there was something she wasn’t telling her, and she straightened her back, caressed Trinity’s cheek with her palm. 

“You can be patient,” Baran said, her thumb stroking Trinity’s face. “I know you can. I’ve seen it.”

“When the hell have you ever seen me be patient?”

Baran laughed a little, and it was still the most gorgeous thing Trinity had ever heard. 

“Can I at least sleep with you?” Trinity asked, her voice small.

“It will make things harder for me.”

“I think you deserve that.”

Baran smiled and squeezed Trinity’s cheeks in her hand. “You are such a brat. Come on.”

Trinity, heart fluttering, practically leapt out of bed and took Baran’s hand to follow her into the master bedroom. 

“I’m not a brat, I’m just good at arguing.”

“So, a brat.”

“Well, I was a good listener tonight and where did it get me?”

Baran turned her head to look over her shoulder at her. “In my bed.”

Trinity’s smile was unshakeable. 

The light in Baran’s room was still that warm amber glow but slightly brighter now, now Trinity could see her mussed hair and sleepy eyes, her bare arms and the glow of her chest in the light. 

And here, watching Baran move, gracefully and with intention, seeing as she pulled the sheets on the opposite side of the bed down further for Trinity, she knew she would do anything for her. 

She wasn’t just okay with it. She would uproot her whole life if it meant being hers. 

Before they got in bed, Baran turned around to face her and placed both hands on Trinity’s neck and just looked at her. She moved them up to push Trinity’s hair back, nails lightly scratching her scalp, her eyes warm and flooding something indescribable. She tilted her head.

“What?” Trinity’s voice was barely there.

“I’m glad you’re not embarrassed.”

Trinity’s face flushed. “Don’t be a jerk.”

“I’m not being a jerk,” Baran said, her voice honeyed, her hands gliding back down to Trinity’s neck. “You used to be much less willing to give in.”

“I am embarrassed. It’s humiliating.”

“I don’t want you to be.” Baran slid her hands down Trinity’s frame and landed on her wrist, pulling her down onto her lap. 

“Wait, I’m—”

“I know,” Baran said, voice rumbling, pushing Trinity down harder onto her thigh. She kissed her hungrily and held her waist firmly, guiding her hips. Trinity draped her arms over Baran’s shoulders and tried to kiss her back, but then the pressure would become too much, and she would break it, her mouth still against Baran’s but grunting out little sighs, and then she would kiss her again, again and again.

Baran disconnected their lips and moved the hair out of Trinity’s face again, looking at her and taking her all in. 

“Don’t be embarrassed, Trinity,” Baran said again, looking up at her. “I want you to let yourself want this.”

You can have me, Trinity thought.

Completely.

“I’m trying.”

“You must be doing all right,” Baran said with a smile. “You’ve moved to touching yourself in my guest bedroom.” 

Then, after a beat, she added: “Vocally.”

Trinity glared at her and Baran widened her grin, and she covered Baran’s mouth with her hand but very quickly removed it to kiss her again, and they kissed more until they were both exhausted and the tension was too much and they knew they had to stop.

Trinity knew that Baran didn’t want to stop, either, she could feel how she hesitated. She knew that Baran wanted to give in, too. To touch her like she had earlier. The chill she had become so familiar with traveled up her spine again at the memory of Baran’s lips around her fingers, tasting her.

As soon as she left tomorrow morning she would speak to Garcia.

For now, they settled in, and Baran turned off the lamp. Trinity tried to shake off how it bothered her to not be able to see her anymore. They stared at each other in complete darkness, unable to make anything out. They stared at each other anyway.

Baran wrapped an arm around the slope of Trinity’s waist and pulled her closer into her until Trinity could feel the air of every exhale that Baran released. 

“You make me feel crazy,” Trinity whispered after some moments of silence, admitting it aloud because she had nowhere else to put it. She wanted to say more. She wanted to tell her that she would stay here with her forever if it meant that nothing would ever change.

She felt Baran gingerly kiss her cheek. “You’re not so innocent, either, Trinity.”

She didn’t want to say anything else, and yet there was so much left unspoken that she wished she could say. She didn’t want to ruin this. She wanted to have one thing, one beautiful thing, where she wasn’t anticipating the disastrous end. So she stayed quiet.

She slept soundly beside her, and something had changed. They were one with each other in a way they hadn’t yet been.

***

Baran had been waiting for this feeling to subside.

But it was relentless. It only came back stronger every time she let herself touch Trinity, every time she looked into her watercolor green eyes that seemed to suck her all in and plead. 

She had tried. She had tried not to take anything more from her.

She had tried and failed. 

She was not used to failing.

She was not used to melting at the sound of a woman’s escaped moans from outside the cracked door. She was not used to timing the moment exactly right for when she would interrupt her. Somehow, in her forty years of life, she was not used to a kiss taking so much of her control from her.

 She was not used to any of this.

And here, with Trinity breathing gently and deep with sleep next to her, the blue morning casting a quiet light onto her, the face of an angel, her features soft and delicate, strands of dark hair splayed over her face, Baran knew, she knew with everything in her, that she would fail over and over again.