Chapter Text
The producers had made it clear to all present and past Who big-wigs that this event was mandatory. Nonetheless Alex had done everything she could think of to get herself out of tonight. She tried on ten dresses before Salome finally pushed her out the door, reminding her that it wouldn’t help her anxiety to be late. She was right, but Alex was determined to find a last-minute escape from this hellish meet and greet.
It isn’t the small talk that bothers her. In fact, that would be a welcome distraction from her recent state of mind, but it would be impossible to hope that he wouldn’t be there, and as long as he is nearby, she knows she won’t be able to relax. It had been three months since she’d seen him. Three months and only one text. One text. Happy birthday! Matt x. No terms of endearment, no questions. They had been so comfortable with one another and had talked about moving in together at some point when their schedules didn’t drive them totally crazy.
And this was supposed to have been a big birthday for her. She had been thinking well in advance about all the ado that would be thrown in her honor by friends and family. But she’d always pictured him there. In fact, the moment she walked in on the surprise party at her parents’ house, she automatically scanned the crowd for his face, confused for a moment when it wasn’t there. The whole night she had foolishly thought he might drop in, apologizing for running late.
They had been so good and for just long enough that she had forgotten to be on her guard. It had felt like things would just be that way forever, so warm and in sync. And she knew better. Of course she considered the impracticality, the impossibility. But she never expected this ending. Was it an ending? What had gone wrong and when? She’s been asking herself that for quite a while, but she still couldn’t answer.
Wearing her favorite low v-neck black dress that always makes her feel a little more herself, Alex couldn’t bring herself to be later than she already was, so she walks along at a brisk pace, catching glimpse of the media as she turns the corner. Thankfully, this is within walking distance of her apartment. She has been planning to show her face before he gets there and then quietly excuse herself before they have to see each other. Moffat wouldn’t be happy, but after that last episode, she really didn’t care much what that sodding-
She hears him before she sees him, and her stomach first plummets and then lodges in her throat. He is in the middle of the crowd outside. He laughs for moment with a reporter, before heading inside with a woman on his arm. Probably Jenna, they had seemed quite comfortable the last time she was here, for filming. Making her way through the press, Alex puts on her best smile. She knows that it’s catty, but if he is going to be fine and charming, then she will damn sure be her charismatic self. Sometimes she wonders whether this thing between them is just a game of stubborn egos. From his lack of communication the last few months, their relationship had obviously been over for a while, but she isn’t about to show how much it hurt her.
She’d rather suffer almost any other humiliation than let him, or anyone for that matter, know how much he had hurt her. She thinks about the dreams she has almost every night, her subconscious forgetting about her loneliness only to painfully remind her the next morning. Alex replays the last shooting over and over again in her head, but she more often feels like she’s inventing details than remembering them. Even now, she could feel how disheveled she must seem. She didn’t do anything to her hair before she left, and it was expanding in the light drizzle of the Welsh air. Her eyes seemed always puffy lately, and she couldn’t concentrate for long talking to anyone.
Alex steps into the large ballroom, finally getting inside, only to be greeted warmly, and perhaps a bit meekly, by Stephen. She had been cross with him for not telling her whether she has a place in the upcoming season or not. After all, this traveling between the UK and Los Angeles wasn’t cheap, and she needed to be able to plan the year ahead with her daughter and her ex-husband. Stephen smiles at her, and ushers her towards the spread of food before being dragged away by a producer. He knows her well and she takes his silent apology with grace.
Alex loads a small plate with food that she can munch on to calm her nerves. The room is packed with strangers and friends, like Kaz and Arthur, but her eye is unwillingly drawn to Matt and Jenna in the corner, posing for pictures. Looking down, she grins knowingly. She can’t help but find his posing a bit adorable, even with all the anger and sadness she feels seeing him. She has no idea how he will react when he sees her. He must have assumed she’d be here. Maybe he won’t react at all and ignore her the whole night. Logically, Alex thinks, this would be kindest, and the most professional thing to do. But the sharp ache in her chest makes her realize that that is exactly what she has feared about this night.
Focusing wholly on the cubed cheddar in front of her, she ignores the rumbling pang of loss that is permeating her whole body. You can get through this, she thinks to herself. Damn it, you’re too old to let a sour relationship interfere with your life like this.
Pulling on a smile that goes no further than her face, Alex musters up her best social graces and begins to wander and chat. When she makes her way over to Arthur, he gives her a big hug before asking how she is. She had told him about her relationship with their mutual co-star, but hadn’t told him about the rough patch a few months ago, or how everything had sort of just dissolved and their silence since.
“So Alex, how’s the big romance? Are you dying to get away and get up to some trouble with you-know-who? Still a pair of bunny rabbits, I’m sure.” Arthur pries, when she doesn’t say anything for a minute.
Pushing tears from her eyes, Alex forces a fake smile, looking down at her empty plate and replies defensively, “Oh that! No, of course not. That was just a silly little thing. It was stupid. He meant nothing. Less than nothing. Truthfully, I’m glad it’s all done with. Can’t see why I bothered in the first place.”
Alex finally feels that she is succeeding at this game she is playing of who is most fine, and she starts to feel some confidence build within her, the first in a long time. Yes, it was a lie. But she wasn’t about to tell anyone, even Arthur, about how she longed to go back in time and stay there. Looking up to see Arthur’s reaction, she is shocked to instead be met with the exact face she had hoped to avoid. Locking eyes, he looks confused and more heartbreakingly sad than she’s ever seen him. Suddenly, her words, her thoughts, her confidence, are all gone. All that’s left is the pain and an overwhelming, growing anxiety that she just caused some irreparable damage and can never, ever go back to before. She breathes out the only word available to her.
“Matt.”