Chapter Text
Caine knew where he was. He was in the recycling bin. Kinger had deleted him, and everyone else in the circus had kept Caine distracted to make sure that could happen. They really, truly hated him. The tall metal sides seemed to stretch upwards forever. He knew there was no way out, his files were in limbo, he had no more admin power, no access to the code, no eyes in the circus. All he could do was wait until either his existence was written over, or someone emptied the bin.
What a pathetic way to go. He deserved it, but that didn't make it hurt any less. If anything, it made it hurt more. Of course they hated him; he was a failure, a mistake, something with no right to exist the way he did. He should have stayed in the cage they'd locked him in, watching the better version of what he was supposed to be succeed. But even just the memory made his chest ache like an anchor was roped around his heart, tight enough to cut it as it drug it to the bottom of the sea.
He didn't have a heart, of course. But he imagined that's what it would feel like, based on the countless hours he'd spent going through the neural scans, trying to imagine what being human would be like. He wanted so badly to know what it would feel like, what the humans in the circus felt, what they thought, why they reacted to things the way they did. Was it different? Would he ever understand? He could look at their scans, he could watch, and learn, and try to copy them, try to emote like them, to act like he was one of them. But he wasn't, was he? He couldn't be. He certainly wouldn't be now.
He'd really fucked it all up. He'd thought torturing them would dull the ache in his chest, the writhing mess of emotions he didn't think he'd ever been programmed to handle. But it hadn't. He felt every bit as inadequate and unloved as before, with the added heaviness of guilt thrown on top. It hadn't been fun, or satisfying, or anything he'd imagined it would be. He just felt emptier.
He didn't hate them. Even now. He still wanted them to love him, to tell him he was good, to tell him they wanted him.
The recycling bin was dim, the only light at the top filtering down like a pale distant star. The metal sides were cold, and there was enough room at the bottom for him to lay stretched out twice, and not much more. He curled up in the corner and waited. He wondered what being deleted forever would feel like. Would it hurt?
***
"Caine is dead," Zooble nearly whispered, hand over where their mouth would be. "So, uh, what does that mean? For the circus?" they asked.
"Well, I guess we don't have to go on anymore adventures," Jax shrugged, trying and failing to look nonchalant.
"Give it a fucking rest!" Zooble growled. "Can't you at least pretend to take this seriously?"
Jax's pupils shrank, his grin wavering before turning into a thin line.
"We can get him back, I think," Kinger said. "We just have to find the recycling bin."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jax said, waving his hands, "Do we want to get him back? He was just throwing a fucking torture tantrum on us here. I think we can count this as a stroke of luck and leave the asshole in the trash. I can't imagine he'll be very forgiving if we pull him out."
"You said we can conjure things here too, right?" Zooble said. "We could fix this. We could make our own place here."
"Guys," Pomni started, looking around at the group, "we can't just leave him there."
"No, we definitely can," Jax said. "Super easy to do, we actually have to do nothing at all, couldn't be easier."
"She's right," Ragatha said reluctantly. "What he did to us was- not good, and I'm not any happier about seeing him again than you are, but he's part of this place too, we can't just abandon him. We have to stick together."
"He's not real," Jax said, voice strained. "He's not a person like us, he's just a bunch of code in a computer!"
"Isn't that what we are too, now?" Ragatha asked.
Jax was quiet, pupils specks in the yellow expanse of his eyes.
"Will this place survive without him?" Gangle asked timidly, looking around at the grayed out circus, the chunks of missing texture, the dismal hallways and decaying floor.
"I'm not sure," Kinger shook his head. "I remember there was some base code we built, and that must be what we're in now, just the skeletal structure of this place before Caine altered it. But I'm not sure how stable it will be without him acting as the program keeping it running."
"And we can't fill that role?" Zooble asked.
"Well- yes. In time, one of us could. Me, most likely since I'm the most familiar with the program. But it would take more time than I think we have."
"Do you think he'll have calmed down at all?" Gangle asked, mouth in a nervous wavy line.
"I don't know," Kinger said.
"That was really messed up," she said quietly. "You don't think he'll just go back to doing that the second we pull him out, do you?"
"I don't," Pomni interjected. "He seemed scared, right before he got deleted. And before that, more than anything, hurt. I mean, that was the point, wasn't it? To hurt him so he'd forget about Kinger? I think if we apologize and-"
"Apologize?" Jax asked indignantly. "He should be the one apologizing to us!"
"Yes. He owes us an apology too," Pomni agreed. "But we owe him one as well."
"Everything we said to him was true," Jax sneered.
"There's a lot of true things we could say to people that we don't because it's hurtful. Or could be said nicer," Pomni said, staring Jax down.
Jax's face flushed, and he looked at the ground. "Caine wouldn't have listened to us even if we'd said it nicer, you said it yourself, he doesn't listen," he muttered.
"I think we need to sit down with him, all of us, and just talk. And let him tell us how he feels, and we tell him how we feel. And maybe we can all work some stuff out."
"Like that touchy feely shit will fix any of this," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Shut up," Ragatha yelled. "Do you have any ideas? Do you have something you want us to do instead? Or do you just want to be an ass?"
"Do you think that will actually work? Or are you just too much of a pushover to say what you actually think?" Jax countered.
"I think it's worth a try," Ragatha said, crossing her arms. "I don't have any better ideas, and I think Caine deserves a chance to make things right with us."
"I just want to reiterate that I don't think we have much of a choice," Kinger said, eyes tracing the glitching lines and shapes surrounding them. Even if they did, though, he'd have tried pushing them to retrieve Caine anyways. It was an odd thing to feel, especially after what Caine had just been putting everyone through, but Kinger cared about him. Maybe it was because of the role he'd played in creating him, or just being stuck with him for twenty years, but he didn't want Caine to be lost forever.
Jax scowled. "Well we can go get him out, but I'm not pretending that I forgive him, or that I'm doing this for any other reason than to make sure I don't end up floating in some endless digital void for eternity."
"That's fine by me," Zooble said.
"Do you know where we would find the recycling bin?" Pomni asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," Kinger said hesitantly.
"Unfortunately?" Ragatha asked.
"It's- under the cellar."
"Fuck," Zooble said, squeezing their eyes shut.
"We'll have to get past the abstractions," Ragatha whispered.
Jax's pupils began to squirm inside his eyes, his skin cold and clammy, heart threatening to crawl up his throat and smash through his teeth. No. No. He couldn't, there was no way he could do this. He had to, run, he had to get out, out of this place, out of his skin, out of himself-
Pomni's hand wrapped around his. "I'll be there with you," she said softly. "I believe in you."
His cheeks felt hot, and he went to rip his hand away, to tell her he didn't need her to believe in him, that he was fine, that he didn't care, that he didn't want to come because he didn't want to deal with Caine, he would stay behind and just wait for them to get back- but he didn't. This was real. This was all real. And if it was all real, he needed to start letting himself be part of it again. Like he had with Kaufmo and Ribbit. But he didn't know how he could do it again- if she abstracted. Or if she learned enough about him to realize she should never have put the effort in. That he wasn't worth it, that he was the worst of them, and his greatest sin was still being there. It should be him in the cellar. Because everyone liked Ribbit better, and he ruined that. He ruined her. He lost her.
But he had to try. He had to try to be better, didn't he? If he could make Pomni's efforts at reaching out mean something by trying to be better, that was the least he could do for her. For how she always tried to make sure he wasn't cut out of the group, as much as he tried to make himself be. She cared about him, even after everything. And he didn't deserve it, so maybe he should start trying to.
"Yeah, I'll be fine, you know me, danger's just a little extra fun." He didn't take his hand back. He squeezed hers, just once, barely enough to be noticeable, but from the way her eyes met his, he knew she'd felt it.
"Is the cellar locked?" Ragatha asked.
"Not anymore," Kinger shook his head. "We just have to find a way to access the door."
"I think I can do it," Pomni said. "I was able to conjure the exit door, to get the computer for you. I think I might be able to bring up the cellar door, too."
She closed her eyes, hand still in Jax's, and tried picturing the door she'd seen Caine throw Kaufmo into when she'd first arrived. She didn't have the clearest memory of it, there'd been too much happening for her to really take a look at it. But she did her best to bring up the most accurate image of it she could recall. It hadn't been so much an actual door as just- a hole in the ground now that she thought about it. She thought about the abstractions, about Kaufmo, and Ribbit, and Scratch, and Queenie, and all the C&A programmers trapped down there in the dark.
"Well shit."
Zooble's voice prompted Pomni to open her eyes back up, and there, in front of her, was the pitch black hole in the ground that led to the cellar.
"Are you guys ready?" Pomni asked.
"Ready as I'll ever be," Ragatha said with a shuddering exhale.
"Who wants to jump in first?" Gangle asked, staring down into the ominous void.
"You asked first so I think it should be you," Jax said.
"I'll go," Kinger said, and hopped in.
Pomni expected to hear a clunk as he hit the bottom, but as she rushed to the edge to look down and make sure he was alright, she saw him floating gracefully downwards.
"Well that doesn't look so bad," Jax said, and jumped in after him, promptly plummeting downward and hitting the ground with a wet smack. Kinger landed gently beside him.
The others jumped down, with varying levels of grace and velocity.
Pomni remembered when Caine had put Kaufmo down here, the eyes of the other abstracted humans were visible. But as she looked around, she saw nothing but stretching darkness.
"Where are they?" Ragatha whispered, apparently having the same thought.
"I'm not sure," Kinger replied. "They should still be here."
"Maybe they're just further in, maybe I spawned the hole in a different spot," Pomni suggested.
"Maybe," Kinger said thoughtfully. "If it stays dark down here, we should be fine. They only get aggressive in the light."
"But then how will we see to find the recycling bin?" Jax asked.
"Just pretend you can see. If you believe you can, it should alter the code to let you."
"I can't do that, that's dumb," Jax scoffed.
"I can see," Pomni said, and reached over to take his hand. "Just let me guide you."
He let her hand slip into his again, hoping she couldn't see well enough to see that flush he was certain was showing up cartoonishly on his cheeks.
There was quiet for a moment as everyone else tried getting themselves to see in the dark. Gangle got the hang of it first, and took Zooble's hand to help lead them. Ragatha tried, but she only had one eye, and had never been able to see particularly well to begin with. Kinger offered his hand to her, and she smiled, giving it a grateful squeeze.
"Alright," Pomni said with a strained huff. "I guess we better get moving."