Work Text:
The last time Kazutoshi and Ken had been to the woodshop, Kazutoshi had nearly confessed his feelings for him.
The three words had been on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them back down and answered with a simple “nothing, sorry,” instead. Ken hadn’t pried, and thank god he didn’t because Kazutoshi knew he would’ve folded to a simple “please”.
He knew very well by now that Ken returned his feelings; he wasn’t a great liar, after all. Ken seemed noticeably more comfortable in Kazutoshi’s presence, but that confidence went away the second the latter made a teasing remark that could potentially be interpreted as flirting, or when he grabbed Ken’s arm to drag him away somewhere the group had “forbid” them from going.
However, it was for the best that he didn't say anything, didn’t tell Ken about the thoughts and feelings invading his head every hour they spent together. It wouldn’t bring either of them any good. Maybe they’d be happy for a little while, thinking they’d somehow found the love of their lives in a murder school with a talking rabbit. That is, until fate struck again, and the two would be torn apart forevermore.
Kazutoshi never had good luck. The fact he ended up here in the first place was a testament to that. Meeting someone as perfect as Ken was already an astronomically unlikely event for Kazutoshi, and he knew nothing good could come from it. Confessing his feelings would be impending doom just waiting to happen. Once they escaped this place, he’d never speak to Ken again, and he’d accepted that fact already. He’d better enjoy the time they spent together while they still can.
Stepping into the woodshop once more, Kazutoshi ran his fingers along the edge of a workbench, dust collecting on his fingertips. “Good thing we’re banned from this place, that means none of those freaks’ll bother us here. Maybe we should make it our secret hideout or something.”
“I think it sort of already is,” Ken replied, trailing close behind the shorter boy. “We’ve hung out here, what, three or four times now?”
“Well, with my key missing and you preferring to live in squalor, we need somewhere to go. And the pool’s obviously not an option, no thanks to you.” Kazutoshi shudders at the thought of ever entering that poolroom again.
“Sorry, sorry…” Ken apologizes. “Wait, my room’s not that bad! It’s just… a little unorganized!”
“Ken, your room looks like a bomb went off in it.” The deadpan stare Ken receives causes him to sulk where he stands.
Despite the tension between the two being nearly palpable these days, there were moments where their banter made things almost seem as if they were the same as a couple weeks ago. But they weren’t. The feelings the two had developed for each other had changed the directory of their relationship for good, and Kazutoshi knew that. As long as things stay like they are now, everything would be fine, and Kazutoshi would move on… right?
The fear lingers in the back of his mind. Fear that he wouldn’t be able to just move on and keep pushing, being fine with never speaking to Ken again after they both get out of here. It’s crazy the kind of chokehold someone you met 3 weeks ago can have on your heart. It shouldn’t be this way, it can’t be this way, Kazutoshi knew that for a fact. He knew it all too well.
The silence between them lasts for a few beats more before Ken swallows nervously, looking like he wants to say something but is on the fence about getting it out or not.
“What’s up with you?” Kazutoshi asks, raising an eyebrow as he observes Ken’s demeanor. He seems timid, more timid than usual. He’s sweating. His eyebrows are furrowed tensely. He’s fidgeting with his hands that seem to be shaking slightly. None of these behaviors would necessarily be strange of Ken if he were with the group, but the two were alone now. It’s definitely weird here.
“H-Huh? What’s wrong? N-Nothing’s wrong! I’m totally fine! W-Why would something be wrong?” He rambles, very obviously not “totally fine.” He looks terrified.
“Ken, you’re not fooling anyone. Spit it out.” As soon as those words leave his mouth, a pit forms in Kazutoshi’s stomach, and his eyes widen. An idea forms in his head of what it could be, god, please don’t let it be that…
Ken’s eyes dart around the room nervously. He bites his lip, carefully considering what to say next. And it’s exactly what Kazutoshi wanted to hear the least.
“Okay… um… I-I don’t know how to say this, and I know it’s really weird because we haven’t exactly met in the best circumstances, but…” Ken sighs, steadying himself. His voice shakes. “I… The time I’ve spent with you here… despite the circumstances, I’ve… really liked it. A lot. Not the whole murder school thing, but… but just spending time with you. A-And… I think…”
“Stop.”
Kazutoshi mutters under his breath, just before the words he dreads hearing so much. Ken freezes. Kazutoshi’s face looks… pained, and it’s confusing. He would understand disgust, or pity, but… Kazutoshi’s face isn’t any of that. It’s something else entirely.
“I know what you’re gonna say. Just… Please don’t.” His voice is uncharacteristically quiet and somber. Ken can’t understand this reaction at all. He knows he’s being rejected, but… why does Kazutoshi look so hurt by his own rejection?
“I… I’m sorry…” Ken’s nervous and dejected eyes stare down at the floor. He doesn’t understand this reaction, but he knows it’s not a good one. “I really should’ve known you wouldn’t…” His sentence trails off there. The rest is implied, the words Kazutoshi doesn’t want to hear.
“You’re wrong, Ken. I do. I do like you back.” He brings himself to say the quiet part out loud, the part he wanted to keep hidden until he could get back to his apartment and scream it into his pillow. The part that Ken would never hear, because Kazutoshi didn’t want him to. But at the same time, he did. He did so much.
He wanted to tell Ken how he felt. He wanted to leave this place with him, and stay together after the game. He wanted it so badly. But that’s selfish, and he knew it all too well. He can’t do that to Ken. He can’t make Ken endure the same life of misfortune that happens to everyone he loves.
“Then why-?” Ken is even more confused now. Why would you reject someone you share feelings for? Why does Kazutoshi look like he doesn’t want to be saying this? He can’t figure it out at all. Despite him knowing so many things, the one thing he could never truly figure out was Kazutoshi. The boy was an enigma to him, always acting in ways he couldn’t begin to understand. Every time he felt he was getting closer to knowing him, he’d do or say something that confused Ken all over again.
“Because I care about you. I care about you so much.” Kazutoshi’s voice is the one shaking now. “I care about you so much that I’m not going to do that to you. I’m not going to put you through a life of being close to someone like me.”
Ken’s eyes widen. He’s not sure how to respond. He wants nothing more than to be close to Kazutoshi… So why won’t he let him?
“Every time someone gets close to me… something bad happens to them. It sounds stupid, but… I think I’m just bad luck. I promise you, nothing good will come from this. It’s better if we just leave here and then never speak again. You’re… you’re better off that way…”
Neither of them have to get hurt if they just keep their distance. Ken doesn’t have to suffer the misfortune that comes from Kazutoshi’s very existence, and Kazutoshi doesn’t have to feel the guilt of hurting someone again. It’s what’s best for both of them. So why does he feel like he’s getting stabbed in the chest saying that?
“Kazutoshi…” Ken’s heart aches hearing him say that. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to reassure him that he’s not bad luck, and that even if he were, Ken would want to stay with him anyway.
Or… maybe that in itself is enough.
Kazutoshi gasps slightly at the sudden feeling of arms wrapped around him, and warmth. So much warmth. Ken holds him tightly as he gathers his thoughts.
“I don’t think you’re bad luck at all. You’ve already brought so much happiness to me.” Ken smiles softly, reminiscing on the time the two have spent together. “And even if you were… I’d be willing to bear that. Just to be with you.”
Just to be with me, huh…
The thought that Ken would willingly subject himself to pain and misfortune just to be with him is… comforting and terrifying at the same time. He feels the most loved he’s felt in years, and he never wants to let go of Ken. But at the same time, he’s hesitant to accept what Ken is telling him. What if something really, really bad happens to him? What if, in the killing game, he…?
“Come what may… I’ll always be here for you, Kazutoshi.”
…Maybe he could be reckless for a little while.
The affection he’s receiving in the moment pushes all logic and reason out of his mind, and he presses their lips together with reckless abandon.