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Lohen is a strange one.
That is the first thing Illuga ever thinks about the Vice Captain of the Knights of Favonius’ 5th company.
The first time he hears that name isn't even from the man himself. Rather, it's from the mouth of one of his patrolling Ratniki in the middle of a patrol report. Illuga had stood there expecting the usual brief rundown of the route to maybe a few Wild Hunt encouter in the case of the unfortunate. What he'd heard instead was the full name and title of a Knight of Favonius who apparently had a full patrol clearance letter stamped with the approval of the Grand Master himself. Helgi, the ratnik, had said that the knight had refused his assistance and told him to leave that part of the area up to him. Because of how unusual the circumstances were and the fact that Lohen was a vision holder, Helgi had done as told.
Illuga couldn't fault him for his decision. The Knights of Favonius were incredibly helpful and gallant but they tended to be a bit… unconventional at times. He'd thanked Helgi and dismissed him, but the thought of one man fighting on his own against god knows how many hordes of Wild Hunt didn't settle well in Illuga’s mind. No matter how powerful a person may be, being solitary wasn't a risk that should be taken on grounds like these.
So, Illuga had resolved to meet the man himself on his next patrol to discuss this.
Except it was as if the gods themselves were playing tricks on Illuga but he could never seem to get his patrolling schedule to match with Lohen’s. Even trying to deliberately coordinate his patrolling hours to days when the other Ratniki encountered Lohen or going to the areas he was frequently sighted in never worked. The knight was just far too random in how he chose to appear. And because of how unresolved his worry remained, Illuga couldn't stop thinking about Lohen.
All he could do was gather his own forces and instruct them to aid the knight however they could if they happened to run into him.
“Captain, me and Yrsa ran into the knight the other night. Are we to continue operating as we do or should we assist him despite his insistence?”
“Squad Leader, it's the knight again. He refused to come to our camp but he did accept our medical aid. He was covered in Wild Hunt gunk yet somehow only had a few shallow wounds on himself. We will continue trying to persuade him.”
“Captain, he received the food you sent us with. He responded and I quote, ‘If I'd known you lightkeepers cooked this well I would've accepted the food sooner!’ It seems… he likes your cooking? Should we continue taking an extra portion?”
“A message for you, Squad Leader. Sir Lohen said that he'd be withdrawn soon so there's no need for us to bring him food anymore. He thanks you for your kindness.”
Illuga wonders what kind of life he must've lived previously to have to correspond with a reckless hot-blooded solitary knight through his own subordinates. And then again he thinks that he must've surely at least saved a village for how accepting and patient everyone had been of his somewhat irrational concern over a man he'd never met. He's truly the luckiest commander ever to have been assigned to such an understanding batch of Ratniki!
At least now he wouldn't have to needlessly worry anymore.
So that night, Illuga sleeps a nice and full 4 hours of sleep with minimal nightmares and wakes up feeling refreshed.
That morning is very normal; Ratniki returning from night patrol create a stack of reports over his desk, day patrollers prepare to head out as they grab their weapons from the stand, Illuga greets everyone he sees as he heads to the medic area to see the extent of injuries on the few injured, he briefly chats with the medic to gauge if they're running out of anything (they're not), he goes back to his desk to read through a few reports before it's midday because that's when his patrol shift starts, and someone from the Knights of Favonius enters their camp. It's a relatively normal dayー
Illuga’s head snaps down to the entrance and no, he was right the first time, talking with Anleifr there is unmistakably a knight. Someone with high rank by the looks of that flowing cape. For what purpose?
The knight looks up as if sensing his gaze and their eyes meet. Illuga stands up immediately, the chair creaking at the force, still maintaining eye contact as Anleifr shifts in his periphery, likely to tell the knight about him. It rings true as something like clarity sparks the knight’s eyes and there's an immediate smile directed at him with a wave. Illuga waves back just to be polite though it doesn't feel like that's something people in higher ranks are supposed to do when they first meet. He is about to descend down the stairs when a loud voice rings out, drawing attention from every one of the resting lightkeepers.
“Oh so you're the Captain! It's nice to finally meet you!”
Illuga nearly stumbles. He turns his head around to send apologetic looks to the other Ratniki because whoever this person was had decided to address him from a distance instead of closing the gap before conversing. What an awkward situation to be put into! Illuga continues walking towards the two without responding, speedwalking as quick as he can manage, almost hopping down the stairs and only opens his mouth once they're at a respectable ‘we can hold a conversation now’ distance.
“Hello! It’s nice to meet you as well.” Illuga nods at the stranger and glancing at Anleifr briefly who immediately understands and jumps in.
“Captain, this is the knight that's been troubling you for the past few days. Y’know the guy from the fifth company?”
Lohen, the Vice-captain of the Knights of Favonius’ Fifth Company, repeats. “‘The knight that's been troubling you.’ Hey, what’s this trouble about? We've never even met!”
Oh if only he knew. “Apologies, it’s an inside joke.” He says instead, “Sorry for not recognising you earlier, Sir Lohen. I've only ever heard of you from my comrades. Do the Knights of Favonius have something to discuss with us?”
“Huh? Oh, oh no, it's nothing serious at all. I just came here to see the face of the man who's been sending me soup every patrol. I wanted to thank you personally.” He beams brightly and Illuga notes the mole beneath his right eye. His smile suddenly sharpens, eyes glinting like the pristine blade of a knife. “Also, I'd heard that you're pretty strong. You wouldn't mind a friendly spar with me, would you?”
What an odd proposition to make, Illuga thinks. Especially combined with the expression on his face, it's almost as if he doesn't care how he comes off to other people. Before he can present him with an appropriate reply, Anleifr laughs loudly.
“Don’t you underestimate our captain! He may be small in stature but he's the strongest one out of us all.”
Illuga sends Anleifr a look. Was the second part necessary?
“Anleifr… I appreciate your input but do you not have reports to finish?” Illuga doesn't even feel bad at the way his face suddenly turns pale. Unfair as it may be, payback was payback.
“I'll get to it right now!”
Illuga huffs fondly, eyes tracking him as he walks away and then turns his attention back to Lohen who has been quietly observing anything. Their eyes meet again, red striking against red. What fascinating looking eyes.
“As for you, Sir Lohen, I'd be more than happy to accept your proposal. Though, can I ask why exactly you want to spar with me?”
Lohen tilts his head, the silver blue earring dangling sideways at the motion. “Because you're the strongest here, obviously. Every Ratniki I met here has nothing to say about you but praises. It made me curious.”
“I fear they might have made me sound mightier than I actually am. All of them seem to love doing that.” Illuga chuckles, sheepish, scratching at his cheek. “I hope I don't disappoint. Now, about the date and place…”
Lohen cuts him off. “I doubt it. You seem strong.” His eyes travel from his neck to his chest and then to the vision resting on his hip. “And about the date and place, how about I tag along with you for today’s patrol? We can do it after we clear out the Wild Hunt together.”
Illuga’s brows rise at the haste. Every single word that comes out of this guy’s mouth seems to get this reaction out of him. Also after the patrol… wouldn't fatigue be at its peak then? Not that Illuga minds exactly. Well. Lohen was well known for fighting against the Wild Hunt all on his own so maybe the concern he feels budding in his chest is a sentiment unneeded. What's even more surprising is larger than concern is a sentiment Illuga doesn't feel this strong of frequently; intrigue.
The last time Illuga felt this intrigued was when he was conversing with Flins and that was because that man keeps deliberately hiding his true identity from him. This gnawing voracious feeling building in his chest is familiar. It opens its maw wide. I want to know more about you, it says.
Lohen is very strange.
“Then,” Illuga swipes his tongue over his canine and smiles, “I look forward to fighting with and against you.”
Here's an even stranger thingー Illuga wants to know Lohen better.
“You're insane.” Illuga pants out, blocking yet another strike.
Lohen grins wide, his teeth showing. He looks deranged. His hair is sticking to his forehead, something he occasionally swipes at to get out of his eyes. Both his eyes are uncovered and fully locked onto every one of his moments, the glowing red looking even more menacing, pulsating with adrenaline, joy and something insatiable. Illuga can't claim to look any better than Lohen at the moment. He's sure he looks something similar to Lohen and he's unsure if he hates or loves that thought. A shiver crawls up from the base of his spine.
The patrol had been rough.
There's nothing a Ratnik wants more than a round of peaceful and unproblematic patrol. Illuga had hoped today’s patrol would be one of those magical miraculous ones where they would simply run into a few lightkeepers to assist with defeating corrupted hilichurls or the Wild Hunt. The reality couldn't be further from his expectations. Did Lohen somehow manage to attract all of the Wild Hunt in the vicinity with his thirst for blood? Because they could barely catch their breath before the next horde would descend upon them. Illuga miraculously managed to remember to keep count of how many hordes they defeated. There were seven.
Seven hordes in one single patrol. In what world was that normal?
And then at the end of it all, when Illuga had thought it was finally over Lohen almost sliced his arm off with an unannounced flick of his lance. The gong had already rung and he hadn't even been made aware!
Illuga prides himself for his stamina but Lohen seemed to be at an entirely different level. How was it humanly possible to strike so hard after fighting against so many exiles and hunters!
“I could… say the same about you!” Lohen responds, parrying his attack, and it is then that Illuga notices the way his arms tremble in a relatively weaker block.
Illuga steps back to breathe, successfully evading Lohen. “Hey, listen. We need to get back to the camp soon-” He exhales and then again, “How about we call it a draw for now?”
“No way!” His attacks get fiercer at that as if to prove a point. “This is the most fun I've had in ages! Why, are you afraid you're going to lose if this continues on?”
A flicker of annoyance burns in his chest at that. Illuga scowls, “I'm just- fuck-” Lohen almost nicked him on the arm. “Stop that, d’you think we'll be able to make it back if both of us collapse from fatigue, genius?!”
“Well you'll just have to defeat me then!”
Something hot and powerful surges up in his chest at that tone. He's carried by that rage-intrigue-something feeling when he strikes upwards, finally knocking the polearm off Lohen’s grip. Illuga vaguely hears the lance lodge itself on the ground so before Lohen can try and get it back, he uses the other end of his own to topple him over.
Of course he doesn't go down that easily. Illuga sees it in slow motion sequence, far too quick for him to even react, the way Lohen’s eyes widen and then narrow, arms flailing out, hand reaching over in front of him and latching onto the dangling strap on Illuga’s turtleneck. He feels the pull on the back of his neck before he can even think about doing something and both of them go crashing down. Illuga barely manages to stab the sharp edge of the polearm on the ground somewhere. His grip on the polearm tightens and he yelps, eyes clenching shut in pain when his left knee and left hand crash down first, the only thing keeping him from putting all his weight on top of Lohen.
Lohen.
He opens his eyes, his own pain dulling at the sudden worry he feels spiking in his chest.
“Sir Lohen, are you okay?!”
The first thing Illuga’s eyes take in is the sight of the polearm he's holding onto which is stabbed into the ground right next to Lohen’s neck. The paleness stands out even more bracketed by the ground and adorned by the pitch black collar, even his collar looks somewhat loose from their earlier scuffle. It's deceptively slender, like the man himself. If his aim had been just a bit off… Illuga shudders. How close he'd been to accidentally killing Lohen!
His gaze wanders up to the man’s face; an apology building in his throat for being so careless when all words escape him.
That is not an expression of a man who was nearly killed in a friendly spar. In fact, that is not even an expression of a man who might be in pain after such a bad fall.
Green hair spread onto the ground ironically like a halo, the man beneath him is anything but angelic. The usual sharp smile has a wobblier look to it, lips slightly parted to breathe through. His eyes are squinted and yet the gleaming red peeks through, burning so bright it almost spills over his cheeks. It's such a… such a… depraved sight. Illuga feels shame course through his body, electrifying his nerves, as if he's done something wrong just by having witnessed this.
Lohen tilts his head sideways, exposing more of his neck, smile taking a meaner curve as he does so almost as if he knows exactly what it's doing to Illuga.
His face burns. He's a coward, so he chooses to look away first, turning his head away, unable to stand whatever it was that Lohen was doing.
“What's wrong, Captain? Are you done checking my condition already?” Lohen’s voice comes, teasing.
He's truly strange. Illuga can't even look him in the eye and here he is teasing him so familiarly as if they've been acquainted since forever. Isn't he practically a stranger? What is this odd situation to be in with an absolute stranger?
“... I'll help you up.” Illuga curtly replies, bringing his other leg to support himself to stand up. The kneeling leg was between Lohen's legs because of course it was. The world hated him and wanted him to be forced into close proximity with a man he didn't even know. This was how Illuga tried to rationalise his situation, very firmly ignoring the fact that maybe an average person wouldn't be this flustered over something like this. Lohen was teasing him exactly because of this very fact, wasn't he? What an awful personality. Absolute garbage personality.
He plucked the polearm off the ground and held it with his left hand while offering Lohen his right. The man clasped it firmly and let himself be pulled up, and it was only when he winced that Illuga’s focus sharpened, discarding the previous train of thought to fret over Lohen again.
“You're definitely hurt. I don't care what you say this time, I'm taking you to the camp for a check up.” Illuga declares decisively.
Lohen smiles, a much appropriate smile this time, raising both hands up. “I'm in your care.”
That gnawing feeling inside him wasn't shrinking at all. It grew even more teeth, opening its maw wider to a yawning endless void inside. Illuga really did want to get to know this man more. His quirks and all.
It felt like something had changed.
Like a rip had been created in whatever barrier usually existed between two people. That day had created the tiniest rip and Lohen kept poking at it, widening it until there was a hole the size of a fist. Illuga often mended clothes for kids younger than himself when he'd just arrived at Piramida, saved by the lightkeepers. He knows about rips and tears. The one he senses between Lohen and him is one of those where you look at the cloth and decide that buying a new one is a better option than mending it. An unsalvageable mess.
Lohen must know. He must.
Because despite everything that knight was an incredibly intelligent man. It wasn't that he didn't know how he came off as to other people but that he just didn't care about what others thought. At least not as much as Illuga did on a regular basis. He knows because they've been spending more time together, and that chasm in his chest keeps devouring every new piece of information like it's been starved for centuries.
Illuga hates this part of himself a little; how quickly he latches onto another person.
He likens himself to a street dog. The slightest hint of attention and perceived affection is all it takes for the animal to follow someone around, wagging its tail uncontrollably as if to let the whole world how vulnerable and susceptible to praise and approval it is. Except he finds those traits in dogs adorable and lovable. In a human, in someone like Illuga it's just pathetic and pitiable.
At least dogs must be blissfully unaware of their inherent inability to hide their emotions. Illuga has been bestowed with the curse of self awareness and yet the way his heart jumps when he sees Lohen is entirely out of his control.
It has barely been a few weeks since they first met. Can someone claim to ever be as shameless as Illuga is?
Illuga sees the scene play out right beneath his eyelids like one of those old Fontanian films. A dog being petted by someone, first on the head then the body and then underneath the chin, its tongue lolling out in pleasure and gratification. The same dog rolling over on the ground showing its tender and sensitive underside to humans for them to scritch and coo over. Whining when the hand pulls away, tugging at their sleeves with a gentle bite.
Then he sees his own image overlapping with that of the dog.
It's unbearable. Is that what people see when he goes to them fawning and doting and fretting? He wonders if his own father sees him like that, he wonders if Flins sees him like that, he wonders if Lohen sees him like that.
It's not like the thought would ever manage to keep him from doing what he does best but sometimes this train of thought rolls over the railways of his mind and refuses to leave. It's not like it's shameful to care for others, to worry over others, to want everyone around him to be happy and healthy and well. It's just the intensity of the feeling that worries Illuga. The desperation with which it pounds in his chest. The kind that wakes him up in the middle of the night and makes him want to leave the base camp just to make sure his old man is still alive and breathing despite having heard from him so recently.
Illuga doesn't hate himself for caring. He hates himself for the irrationality with which he does so. Everything should be done in moderation. This he knows by heart and yet, and yet.
“If it isn't the Captain! I was just thinking about you.” Lohen says, waving energetically. For once he's in the Favonius outpost.
Illuga feels it again. The metaphorical tail wagging, his entire body perking up as if Lohen’s voice enough could energise every single one of his cells. It's entirely out of his control. He breaks out into a smile and waves back helplessly. You were? His heart demands hotly, you were? You were? You were? Really?
He was just making conversation. Rational mind Illuga says but who's listening?
“Ah, Sir Lohen. I wasn't expecting to run into you here.”
“I told you to drop the ‘sir’ already! None of the formality now.”
“It just doesn't feel proper.”
Lohen exhales and fake-whines loudly, “Captain Illuga refuses to be friends with me! He only keeps me around to spar and hang around with!”
“S-sir Lohen, maybe tone down your volume…”
Grand Master Varka appears from his tent laughing heartily, “C’mon Lohen, stop terrorising the poor boy. Illuga, don't take his words to heart. Lohen does consider you a very good friend. He even talks about you all the time!”
Lohen’s cheeks turn a little pink at that. “That’s uncalled for, Grand Master. Of course he knows that I'm joking.” His eyes flicker to Illuga, “Don't you, Illuga?”
Without the title…
“Of course.” Illuga hesitates, “...Lohen.”
The vice-captain breaks out into a smile so wide Illuga worries a bit for the corners of his lips. For someone who looks as serious as he does when quiet, he sure smiles a lot. Closed lipped ones that stretch from cheek to cheek, ones that let him see the little canine teeth poking out unevenly, the kind that are slighter, tilted and more smirks than smiles; in the past few days they've spent together, he's seen enough to make a catalogue, ticking down every one that he is granted. Illuga thinks Lohen’s smiles are equally strange. And so, to him they are equally intriguing.
The inside of his mouth itches.
“Mr. Varka, here are the logs that you requested from the headquarters.” Illuga says, returning his attention to work. “I need to take the stamped reception paper back to Piramida by this evening so if you could…”
“Woah, woah, woah, who's setting these time limits?! Do I need to talk to that old man about not stressing you out?” He asks, taking the envelope off his hands and waving it around.
Illuga laughs, shaking his head. “It's nothing like that. To be frank, there's no actual time limit for the papers exactly and my pops told me to take it easy but, I do have other things on my schedule for today. It would be efficient if I could finish this and everything in one go.”
“You're very diligent, kid. But you should listen to your pops. I can't imagine running around the field being easy on your body!” Varka pats him on the back, two hearty thumps that he feels throughout his entire body. “Take a break. Or at least rest a bit before heading back.”
He considers this proposal with all the seriousness it deserves. Illuga wasn't lying when he said his schedule was somewhat packed. He still needed to reconvene with the Starshyna, present his own reports to the headquarters, deliver another thick envelope full of logs to Gabieta, run to the other side of Nod Krai, a body of water away, to replenish supplies in the Final Night Cemetery and check on Mr. Flins, and then he was planning on going to Nasha Town to the other Sergeant Major stationed there.
In doing all that, he had estimated it to be too late for him to make a return trip so he'd have to spend the night in one of the rooms in the Flagship.
Illuga might be the sort of Ratnik to plan out his course of action one event after another but he is also, to the surprise of most, open to changes in his schedule if needed. With someone like Mr. Varka, there's no real risk of offense by refusing his kindness, but Illuga still finds it just a tad bit too cold to say no to such an earnest show of concern. And now that he thinks about it, his legs do feel a bit achy…
He ignores the big Lohen-shaped reason with all the grace he can.
“I thank you for your kindness then. Is there anywhere I can sit down?”
“The third tent has a-”
“He can come to mine.” Lohen butts in, cutting Varka off, stepping out of the role of an observer. He draws closer to Illuga, a hand finding itself perched atop his shoulder which jumps at the sudden touch. “We have a lot to catch up on! Where better to do that than my private tent?”
Illuga's mind goes blank. What?
Varka’s eyes light up. “That's that then! Lohen, I never thought you of all people would make such an offer.” Then turning to face Illuga, “Do you want a drink, Illuga? We received a fresh batch of dandelion wine just this morning.”
“No, thank you.” Comes the automatic response from his mouth. He’s half surprised when he hears his own voice. What?
“Ask anyone here for a glass if you have a change of heart! You don't need to feel shy.” A knight calls for Varka from a distance, and he sends them a nod before quickly saying, “Alright, I'll leave you two to it then. Seems like I'm needed there.”
“Of course they do. Those incompetent bunch.” Lohen comments with a click of his tongue after Varka leaves. His gaze shifts, and immediately his tone melts into something lower and softer, “I'll lead you to my tent. C’mon.”
Illuga still feels the phantom weight of Lohen’s hand on his shoulder as the man walks in front of him. He follows silently, trying to undo all the ways his body had decided to wind knots into itself. Lohen had decided to forgo the deep blue cape, probably because he was resting before Illuga arrived, and the slopes of his shoulders are much more apparent in blue and white uniform shirt. If he were a civilian, Illuga allows himself to imagine, seeing this back would put his mind at ease.
But as things stand, he's a Ratnik trying to seek a place to rest his weary body and he only feels self conscious being led to someone's private quarters.
“I really am sorry for imposing myself upon you, Lohen.” He says out loud, looking at the ground and keeping up with the other’s pace.
Lohen suddenly stops in front of a tent and he parts the folded entrance, turning to face Illuga with a befuddled face. “What are you saying? You couldn't impose on me even if you tried. Get inside and make yourself comfortable. I'll close the partition so that other pests don't get in.”
“Are there a lot of insects here?” Illuga chooses to ask, stepping in, taking in the inside of the tent. It's an average single person tent, tall enough to stand in and wide enough to do paperwork. It's similar to his own back in the camp. There's a rolled up sleeping mat in the corner and two chairs.
“And did you know I was coming?”
“Just enough to annoy me.” The way he says it confirms to Illuga that he wasn't talking about actual insects. How is a man so averse to his own comrades a vice-captain? The flap of the partition makes a fluttering sound. “And yes, I did. Varka told me beforehand. I was looking forward to seeing you this whole morning.”
It's dimmer inside the tent with the only light coming in being from the translucent window sheet. That surely must be why Illuga’s pulse suddenly picks up. He takes a seat just as Lohen does.
“I… wanted to see you too.” Illuga confesses, balling his fists where they rest on his thighs. The tail. The tail. He can almost hear the wind pick up behind him and sweep against the floor. Is even his mouth out of his control? “I mean, if I knew I'd be seeing you I'd be looking forward to it as well.”
Lohen's smile is sharp enough to slice through the barrier, a neat upward slice up the fist shaped hole.
“Hearing that makes me very happy.”
He asks. “What did you want to talk about? I must admit that I'm very curious what exactly you wished to catch up with. Seeing as we last talked two days ago.”
Lohen shrugs, leaning forward with his arms resting on the rounded edge of the seat between his legs. “A lot can happen in two days. I'll admit I just wanted to get away from that nosy old man as fast as possible.” His body is bent so like this his face is a bit lower than Illuga's. He looks up through his lashes. “Nothing escapes you, does it, Captain?”
Oh, he knows. He definitely knows.
A normal reaction here would be to panic, to be flustered, to feel shame at having been found out. Maybe someone with a cleverer tongue like Flins would expertly evade the underlying meaning, feign ignorance while draping words in honey and lather. But Illuga is neither normal nor does he possess a silver tongue. All of the earlier jitters vanish at the realisation. He unclenches his fists, but he can still feel sweat cooling on his palms. It is resignation that envelopes his entire being.
“I could say the same about you.” He echoes.
Lohen leans back all of a sudden, looking impressed. “You catch on so quick! I was worried I'd have to keep it for longer than that. I'm sure you already know by now but being subtle is not my forte.”
“I do and that's why I’m surprised by how considerate you chose to be.”
“Is considerate the right word here?” He questions, the next words blunt and straight to the point. “I mean we're talking about your feelings here. A considerate man wouldn't drag you into his tent to interrogate you.”
Illuga’s shoulders slump but he can't hide the amusement in his voice. “Is that what this is? An interrogation? Lohen, I'd rather you pull the trigger out of mercy than let me limp so pitifully.”
His eyes go wide and then he laughs, “Oh that's what you think is happening! You've got it all wrong, Illuga. I warned you already that I was not so good with this sort of stuff.”
“So you're not… rejecting my feelings?”
“Why would I do that when I feel the same?”
Illuga feels the jitters return to his body again. He sputters, “Y-you do? Who’d think that with how you were acting?! I didn't even know you felt affection towards me!”
Lohen raises both his hands. “In my defense, the affection you feel towards me and the affection I do to you likely aren't the same thing.”
“What does that mean-?”
He stands slowly, kicking the chair away and Illuga’s eyes follow the motion, confused before Lohen suddenly leans into his personal space, both palms slamming down on the arm of his chair, successfully trapping him. Illuga leans back on instinct, his retreat forced to halt by the back of the chair. His hands which were resting on his lap come up, hovering in the air, both palms facing towards Lohen. His heart picks up speedー fear or something else?
Red eyes study his face almost clinically.
“Did you think I was going to kiss you?”
Illuga feels his face warm immediately. What kind of question is that in a position like this?
“N-no? Are you going to?” He shifts uneasily in his seat, feeling very sweaty all of a sudden. He almost wishes he had taken the coat off. His hands slowly descend to his lap again. “Can you stop leaning in so close? I can't-”
His right hand leaves its perch, only to grab his chin and tilt it up. “I want to.” He confesses with ease, blatantly eyeing his lips and then looking him straight in the eyes.
His index finger and thumb are calloused, Illuga notices, the roughness scraping against his chin. His hand is somewhat cool to the touch but the point where they're connected heats up so quickly Illuga wouldn't be surprised if there was a hole burned into the same shape of Lohen’s gentle cradle. His thumb swipes against Illuga’s bottom lip, callous meeting cracked skin nearly getting caught. Illuga finds himself quickly wetting his lips, tongue following the same curve his thumb did, without meaning to. He feels as though he's being conditioned. Lohen lets out an exhale, vaguely entertained.
His thumb goes in between his bottom lip again but this time pulling down until his teeth are nearly showing and then letting go again.
Illuga wants to bite him.
“Do it then.” He challenges, fighting through his own breathlessness.
“Would you still say that if I told you I want to bite your lips till they bleed, I wonder? I don't think you even understand what you're asking for.” Lohen presses the nail of his thumb on the underside of his chin as if he's actually trying to pierce his skin. There's a wild look on his face and Illuga’s pulse races faster. “Illuga, you're so gentle and kind. I'm sure you haven't even grappled with the possibility of love being anything but that. Tell me this, would you still feel the same if I told you that I want to eat you whole more than I want to kiss you?”
“Slice you open from right… here.”
He pulls his thumb away from where it had been trying to dig a hole and tilts Illuga’s chin upwards, admiring his own handiwork with a pleased hum before pressing on it with his index finger. There's a tell tale throb of a small wound but Illuga doesn't even get the chance to think about it because the finger drags itself down, nail first as if to prove a point, the center of his neck, digging harder when he reaches his vulnerable Adam’s apple. The trail continues right until the beginning of his black undershirt.
“Are you scared? You're taking such shallow breaths.” Lohen muses and it is only then Illuga realises that he'd forgotten to breathe. He swallows but his mouth won't stop watering. He's not scared. Not at all. He feels…
“This is the only kind of love you'll get from me. Do you still dare say that we share the same feelings after all I said?”
I want, Lohen’s entire being seems to scream. I want, I want, I want. As close as one can be with another as humanly possible. A maw closing in over flesh and bones, crunching down everything, swallowing and feeling gratified knowing what is inside of him is what he loves.
Illuga lowers his chin slowly, throat itching where Lohen scratched him and the crescent mark on his jaw throbbing. The chasm in his chest even devours those sensations joyfully for they too are a part of Lohen. Birds of a feather really did flock together. He maintains eye contact with Lohen and in his crazed blood-thirsty eyes sees something akin to what Illuga had been feeling earlier. He sees resignation. He sees an ‘oh this is ending exactly how I thought it would end’.
He feels…
“You want to eat me whole?” Illuga reaches for Lohen’s right hand, grabbing it and bringing it to his cheek, nuzzling into the same hand that threatened to slice him open. He opens his eyes, looks at the other and speaks in earnest, “Then, I’d hope that I would rest within you gently. I'd hope my flesh provides you no resistance when you dig your teeth into me. And that my blood may become elixir so that you may remain forever unharmed.”
The hand pressing against his cheek is warm.
When he’d closed his eyes, he had been transported back into the battlefield with a dying friend on the ground and himself above, holding onto their hand for dear life. The steady loss of warmth of a body unable to sustain its own temperature; Illuga had felt it when the hand started getting colder and colder. And yet he kept holding onto the hand, driven by an innate desire to keep giving. Driven by the fear of losing.
Take my warmth, he'd pleaded in his mind countless times. Take it. Take it. Please. Stop turning cold.
Take it, he thinks now, watching Lohen through half lidded eyes, take me. Accept what I'm able to give.
Illuga thinks of being made a part of Lohen forever. His skin, bones and blood turning into sustenance for a starving person.
Doesn't Lohen know that something like this is everything Illuga has ever wanted from his life?
When a sharp, sharp knife sinks into an endlessly soft cushion with no end, do we call the end result violence or acceptance? If both sides come out of it feeling fulfilled, is it really necessary to give the result a name?
If Lohen experiences love of such magnitude that he wants to take, take and keep taking, and if Illuga experiences love of such magnitude that he wants to give, give and keep giving, doesn't their togetherness balance everything out? Is there a greater match?
He lets go of Lohen's hand and it stays right there, unmoving while he reaches towards Lohen's face delighted by the splash of surprise in his expression as he presses on the seam of his lips. The lips part a bit and his thumb slips in, the wet warmth sending a pleasant shiver down his spine. He slides it to the side, uncovering the canine teeth, only leaving the mouth with a pop after an experimental bite from Lohen. Illuga leans upwards, and replaces his thumb with his mouth.
The sun is setting when Illuga walks out of the outpost with the taste of his own blood in his mouth. His head is in a daze but he feels like he sees the world clearer than ever, buzzing with restless energy. He laves his tongue over the cut on his bottom lip and can't quite control the smile on his face when it stings. It's not the pain itself that does it for him as much as it is the reminder that there in that single-person tent, Lohen must be doing the same to the hand shaped bruises on his wrists.
(Lohen might be a strange one. But Illuga suspects he himself might be even stranger.)
Illuga isn't sure if he'll ever be able to forget the image of Lohen flushed red all the way down his chest.
He hopes he gets to see him soon again.