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“I mean, everybody's got that picture in their mind. The one of, you know, how they think their life's supposed to be.” Ephram Brown ‘Everwood’
"You still miss him, don't you?" Those six words broke her out of her thoughts. She'd been sat at the end of Jon's grave for, well she didn't know how long. Just taking in the words on the headstone. Jonathan B. Archer, 2112-2234. He'd lived a long life, hopefully a happy life. She'd read his reports, his biography. She'd read his open letter to the crew of Columbia, and, the private letters that he'd left in his collection that were for her eyes only. Her heart had broken all over again as she'd read his words, the terror he felt, thinking that she had died never knowing how he felt, considering she had shown him all the time. So Ezri was correct, she did miss him, she'd never stopped, and probably never would.
"I always have, he's never been far from my thoughts."
Ezri's voice was still quiet, still clearly keeping her distance, giving Erika the space she needed. "He fought for you, you know. In the context of what they knew at the time."
"I think back to that time, all the plans he and I had. We were considering marriage, starting a family. As soon as the war was over. We knew it could have been years waiting, but we'd spent as long as we'd known each other waiting, so we could do that." She reached up and wiped her eyes. Trying as hard as she could not to regret every decision she had made in her lifetime. The only ones she didn't regret, couldn't regret, were the ones that had taken her to him.
"You really loved him, didn't you?" Ezri was still quiet, and all Erika could do was nod, and then break into the sobs she'd been holding in. Even though she'd known for years that Jonathan had died, this was the first time she'd had to face it, she'd had to see the proof of it.
"I love him. There is no past tense for it. If I had the choice I would go back to that time and tell him just once more how much I love him. I know, Ez. I know that I need to separate that part of my life from what I am now, but it's hard, to know that I am never going to hear his voice again other than old newsreel footage. I'm never going to hear the things he would whisper in my ear when I was half asleep, or have him tell me that I made the right choice, the right decisions."
"I'll help you through it, I promise." Ezri stepped forward squeezed her shoulder lightly, and Erika felt a little stronger. A little more like she could stand up and leave Jonathan's final resting place, and the last physical connection she had with him. She knew that she had someone who would support her, and help her to make sense of all she had missed, and accept that which she couldn't change.