Chapter Text
I
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Have Someone Check Up on Buck?
This is what has been on Athena’s mind for a couple of days. More than two years have passed since Bobby died. The 118, Athena, and her kids are finally navigating life again. Her oldest daughter is almost finished with university; she told Athena that she has been texting Buck a lot lately, which makes her feel like she is no longer the oldest sister. Instead, she feels like a "baby sister" with two brothers (she just learned that Buck spoils May rotten, he even knew about her cheating-moron ex-boyfriend before anyone else).Harry joined the 118, and she later learned that Buck helped him through the process immensely. Meanwhile, Chimney and Maddie have built a strong, beautiful family.
Jee-Yun is thriving; she is almost seven now and will start elementary school this year. She is the most excellent seven-year-old baker Athena has ever met, and Maddie mentioned that Buck bakes with her every weekend. Baby Nash is doing his best, too—the kid talks a lot. Because Chimney is Captain now and Maddie has started training to take over Sue’s position at Dispatch, Buck babysits their kids frequently. At this point, Baby Nash actually knew the word "Buck" before "Daddy" or "Mommy" (which made Maddie cry happy tears while Chimney was devastated).
Hen is doing well; she has been very healthy, both in her physical well-being and her relationship. She worked hard in therapy and learned to accept help from others—especially Buck. After she collapsed at work and it negatively affected her relationship, Buck stuck around. He spent a couple nights on her sofa to ensure Maya that she would always wake up and find someone there for her. He taught Denny how to do basic housework, how to cook mac and cheese; he played football with him every Wednesday and, most importantly, Buck secretly taught him how to drive. Hen chased him around the station after she knew that and Karen was in the between grateful and terrified that Danny may steal their car and sneak out at night without their awareness. (None of that had happened that, they just scare because they are good mom)
To Athena's surprise, two years have passed but Buck and Eddie are still not in a relationship. When she asked Eddie, he insisted he is straight. Yes, he shares a bed with Buck and co-parents with him, and maybe or maybe not almost kissed him twice. But he still claims he is straight and not in love with his best friend (yet). As for Christopher, he is going to university next year; that small boy has grown into an adult. Buck mentioned that he isn't Chris's "favorite person" anymore and that they have grown apart, though he still loves him the most. Athena assured Buck that in a few years, Chris will be back to clinging to him like he used to.
As for Buck himself, in the first six months after losing Bobby, he was lost. He tried his best to help, but he didn't know how. Athena worried about him the most because, a few times in these two years, when she received a call to check on a potential jumper at the bridge, it was Buck. Every time, he told her, "I’m fine, ’Thena. I just zoned out," or, "No, I’m not suicidal—I’m just... thinking about something." It wasn't that she believed him, but everyone else kept telling her he was doing well. He helped everyone so much, sometimes too much. She was afraid that Buck would take care of everyone and forget to take care of himself, but he insisted he needed to do this.
"Bobby told me that they were going to need me, Athena. I’ll be okay. I want my family to be okay."
The thing was, he wasn't okay. First of all, he lost a lot of weight. He was still big and tall, but he was missing the muscle he used to have. Recently, like a week ago, Athena finally realized that he only cooked for others; he fed everyone except himself. He cooked for everyone at the station using Bobby’s recipes. (It was an epic fail at first but he kept trying and now they are very grateful that he tried.) He would eat at the station, but never at home. When she discovered that he barely had any food in his house, she cried. This boy dropped off lasagna at Hen’s house every Monday; he baked with Jee every weekend; and he always made sure Christopher wasn't suffering through Eddie's cooking. He even dropped off Bobby’s famous cookies at her house sometime. After she confronted him, Buck told her he was sorry for making her sad. He insisted he was fine—he just didn't want to eat alone anymore. He claimed he had enough food to fuel him to do his job and he was not starving. So, she gave him a choice: he could either come to her house for dinner every day, or go to therapy. (He chose therapy; as much as he loved her, he was so terrified of Athena).
So, he was in a better place. Still grieving, but living. For the first time, Athena started to think that everything was going to be okay.
Until...
"I think I’m done with my job, ’Thena," the boy told her yesterday.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?" Athena asked him, trying her best not to sound too anxious. If Buck knew she was worried, he wouldn't tell her anything. She needed to use her cop skills and play "good cop" here.
"Like Bobby said... they were going to need me. They do. And I helped them and—I mean, I did help them, right?" His voice changed. He sounded unsure, deeply unsure. Did he actually help them, or did he just think he had?
"Yes, baby, you did. You’ve done a very good job. I’m sure Bobby would be proud of you." She smiled at him. You deserve the world, but the world doesn’t deserve you. Buck, she thought, though she didn't say it out loud. Almost ten years had passed since the day she met him. She never thought there would be a day she would adore that cocky, overconfident, reckless boy as much as she did today. He had literally held everyone together through the hardest of times.
Buck looked at her, tears streaming down his face. It was an expression she couldn't quite explain. Was he crying because he was proud of himself? Because he missed Bobby? Or something else?
"He told me I was going to be okay, Athena," he said. "Maybe... if everyone else is okay, this time, I’ll be okay, too."
Athena was too stunned to speak. What did that mean? That he wasn’t okay? She looked into those big, beautiful ocean eyes. "What is in your head, Buckaroo? You know you can tell me everything, right?"
"Nothing, Athena. I'm just thinking that I'm going to be okay."
And that was the last conversation between her and Buck. She tried to call him at 9 P.M. but he does not answer which is weird but still acceptable, maybe baking or going out to a bar? But the next day came, he still didn't answer her texts. Her gut tell me to call him, even it 4 in the morning, so she called, he hung up and sent a message instead:
04:00 AM: I am fine, Athena. I’m just baking a lot and I will go to babysit the kids soon. I think it’s better if I’m not using my phone all the time, so I can limit their screen time without feeling guilty.
04:40 AM: I love you, Athena.