Chapter Text
Mike has never felt like the brightest person to walk the earth. He’s lived his entire life never content with himself, always acknowledging the presence of someone better than him in more than one way. He’s felt it when he routinely ended up being the one taking relatively longer to find the rest of his friends during hide and seek when they were kids. He’s felt it when his mom had to throw away a whole batch of perfectly promising cookie dough just because he had mistakenly passed her the salt instead of the sugar. And he’s felt it now, with Will hastily loosening himself from Mike’s arms, and getting back on his feet. Mike couldn’t help it when he felt empty, the skin where Will had just laid burning like it was just purposely set on fire.
“Why would you do that Mike? Are you crazy?”
Will stared wide eyed where the bright red gate had rested barely a few seconds ago. Black particles now replaced it, flooding the air around them, just as the ground had stopped from shaking relentlessly. Will lifted his hands to his face, fidgeting with the few longer lonely strands of hair that were sticking to his sweaty forehead.
Mike’s breath caught in his throat when Will finally turned to look him dead in the eye, air urging to escape his pink lips in an attempt to regain control of the oxygen flowing in and out of his body. He remained sat, staring at his best friend who was standing not more than a couple meters from his exhausted body. He inhaled avidly, begging for anything that could even remotely stabilize the heavy tornado of emotions flooding his stern in that moment. He lowered his gaze to the floor, not being able to withstand the way the green was actively piercing right through his cranium.
“I’m sorry..”
The words burned his tongue as soon as they escaped his lips. Mike didn’t think it was possible to need water this bad, but he was quickly proven wrong when his throat started feeling like desert sand in a much too rapid way. He cleared his throat, trying to let the next words flow out, even though that didn’t nearly go as planned.
“I-I thought… that you were gonna get hurt and I really c-”
He felt his lungs be deprived of air all at once, his chest starting to feel more and more like a vacuum packed piece of plastic, ready to be shipped God knows where. He pushed through one more time, damning his tongue for suddenly becoming inseparable friends with his palate.
“I can’t lose you again Will.”
And it was true. Mike let his eyes flutter shut and almost immediately his mind catapulted him back to that freezing November 6th of five years before. Will’s red and yellow jacket merging with the darkness as his bike disappeared towards a destination that was never fully reached. Mike’s helplessness when Hopper had come to get him, Dustin and Lucas to ask them questions about their friend. His denial as he had biked back home after witnessing the body of his childhood best friend being pulled out of the infested waters of the quarry. The way he melted into his mother’s arms as he started to accept his favorite person in the world was gone forever. The nights spent flicking through his collection of Will’s drawings that he had been collecting ever since their first days together. The salty taste of his endless tears, decorated with the much too sour aftertaste his mouth carried after he’d spend a few minutes pretending to talk to Will, still not used to not having his best friend by his side anymore. The fifty pounds of stone hard cement like realization that hit him in the face as he watched the Byers drive away in a moving truck, turning to look one last time at the house he and Will had grown up together in. The wasted white pages, black ink staining random corners ever so slightly, myriads of “Dear Will” and “Love, Mike” buried under heavy bricks of shame and disgust towards his own being. The hot cheeks, razor blade tonsils, acrobatic stomachs as soon as he set foot in Lenora. The painted smiles and quivering hands and confetti emotions in the back of an old Surfer Boy Pizza van that reeked of marijuana.
And Mike seriously couldn’t take any more of that. His heart still felt like it was being kept together by poorly placed strips of tape, every broken piece being glued back blow after blow. And he had tried to bring his heart back to how it used to feel before he lost Will for the first time. Oh, he had tried so hard. But even now, after five excruciating years had passed, Mike could barely escape the feeling that he could never truly stop losing Will. In all honesty, even as Will stood in front of him right now, Mike couldn’t stop the intense fright from freezing every single drop of blood his veins held.
His gaze hadn’t shifted by a millimeter from where it had planted itself a few painfully long seconds ago. Mike hadn’t noticed the way his eyes had started subtly stinging, his throat slightly closing up with every hitched breath that tried to escape his lungs. He finally felt warmth inundate his reddened cheeks as newborn tears striked down. An involuntary hiccup escaped his mouth, stealthy but still forcibly audible in the cold meanders of their almost suspiciously quiet surroundings. Mike slowly raised a shaking hand, with the intent of bringing it up to his face to wipe at his now much too blurred out eyes. However, his fingers were quickly met halfway with Will’s warm hand. Mike let his hand fall to his knees as he finally lifted his head and found Will kneeling dangerously close to his face. He felt his stomach dance so heavily he actually got scared he might empty its contents all over the already disgusting floor. Then Will used his free hand to trap Mike’s own hand in between both of his, and Mike could swear he felt electricity start a race from his fingertips and cross the winning line all the way to his ignited heart. Trying to contain his heart from spluttering right out of his mouth from the way it was so deliberately drilling against his ribcage, he looked absentmindedly at Will’s mouth as he slowly licked his bottom lips before speaking up.
“No, I ’m sorry.”
Will’s voice was so soft it fluctuated lightly in the spore infested air, twirling around before landing right into Mike’s earbuds. Their eyes locked and Mike would have given everything he’s ever owned to be able to forever be trapped in the feeling he gets when Will’s green eyes meet his, their irises tangled up together in a never ending dancing motion. Much to his dismay, Will was the first one to break the connection he so desperately longed for, looking down at their intertwined hands. By now, Mike paid little to no attention to the persistent warmth that had found its home on his freckled cheeks, regardless of his heart reminding him of the constant agitation he found himself swimming in at that very moment.
“I didn’t mean to snap on you like that, I’m sorry.”
Will paused for a second, fidgeting with his fingers, gently brushing against Mike’s skin as he opened his mouth again.
“I guess.. I-I got scared, that’s all. I thought that if.. if we jumped, we could’ve made it anyways.”
Mike could hear the sincerity in his best friend’s voice, but he could also hear something he hoped so hard would stop hunting Will forever. Fear . Because now they were stuck in here, alone. Together, but undeniably alone.
“Hey, it’s ok, really. I’m also really scared. But you know we wouldn’t have made it through, not with the way that earthquake caught us. Staying behind was the safest option. Even if we’re..”
“In the Upside Down.” Will interrupted him, raising his gaze all at once. Mike simply nodded.
Their hands were still connected, touch melting like butter, warmth similar to the one that floods your senses as you step home after being out in the cold for hours. Will sighed deeply and balanced his weight upon his and Mike’s hands to get enough of a push to get back on his feet, finally dissolving their physical connection and leaving Mike desperate for the familiarity that Will provided when he stood close to him.
Mike mirrored his friend’s action, crossing his legs to push himself off of the filthy ground. He hastily shook the dirt off of his pants and turned to Will. Helplessness washed over him as he caught the look on his face, brows furrowed dubiously as he scrambled for clues around them. Mike couldn’t help but notice the stillness of their surroundings. He turned his head one more time as his eyes landed onto something familiar.
“Wait, isn’t that Lucas’ house?”
Mike lifted a tentative hand, pointing at a house that must have not been more than three hundred meters from where they stood right now. One would think they’d be able to recognise Hawkins quite easily, considering they had both spent over 10 years of their lives living there. However, every cognitive thought that was previously connected in their heads now swam in the abyss of their confused and frightened minds.
The last thing Mike remembered properly was El shouting for them to hurry up and run, and consequently, him, Will, Dustin, Lucas and El sprinting towards the glistering gate. Then, as they had finally reached it and Dustin and Lucas had already hopped in, the ground had started shaking so bad Mike had thought it might open up and swallow them whole. El had struggled really hard to step closer to the gate, her legs almost giving in to the relentless shaking coming from under their feet.
“Will, Mike, c’mon! I don’t think this is gonna hold much longer!”
And Mike had known right there and then, looking at Will as he fell to his knees, still too far from the gate, that they wouldn’t make it.
“C’mon!”
El had been shouting really loud, fear starting to settle in. So Mike did it. He’d done it before, what’s one more time? He had lied to her, again. He had grabbed Will by the shoulders, trying his best to get him up without falling himself. When he had managed, he had guided them one step closer towards the gate, towards El.
“We’re coming!”
But the gate was already shrinking, El starting to realize this too, as her body slowly grew too big to fit in it without having to bend her legs.
“Go, El, go!”
And just like that, she had passed through, shooting them one last uncertain glance and disappearing into the blinding redness of the gate, leaving Mike holding onto Will. He could see the way Will tried to take another step, desperate to follow and reunite with his sister. But Mike had accepted it, there was no way they could have made it out of there, not right there, not in that moment. So he had pulled his best friend back, the ground still shaking under their feet, muffling the fall with his body as Will fell on his legs. They had both looked up as the gate had quickly turned painfully bright, before dissipating as quickly as salt in hot water.
So right now, as they both stood amidst the lost confusion, searching for a familiar sight to desperately anchor themselves to, like frightened sailors trapped at sea during a storm, Lucas’ house suddenly turned into a hopeful lighthouse.
Will had turned towards Mike, slowly stepping closer as he let his gaze linger onto the familiar but vine infested house.
“Yeah, it is.”
Mike let his mind hover over the much too limited options the situation was offering them right now. Fatigue started hanging from his eyelids, the overwhelming weight of fear gluing them shut from time to time. He pressed his hands to the sides of his head, putting his faith into futil circular motions applied to both his temples. Almost as if to prove his actions successful, a single dim light flicked on in the darkness of his brain.
“Wait, this means my house is just up the street!”
The eagerness in his voice rang loudly in the apathetic meanders of the Upside Down. All of a sudden, Mike was brought back to his personal hell, cursed days filled with one too many bitter realizations that melted on his tongue like sour cough pills.
He remembered standing in Will’s room, walls as empty as his heart, minutes away from being faced with two of the most important people in his life leaving him. That day, Mike had come to realize he’d had enough of pretending. He wasn’t suddenly aware of it, no epiphany catching him by surprise, no eureka inundating his consciousness, none of that, really. It had come to him the same way obscurity washes off the moon until it is completely full and vivid in the night sky. Instance by instance, every phase faded into the next one until it all blurred into one big ball of white emotions.
Mike didn’t know what each phase meant, feeling stranded with the nostalgia that takes over as you start seeing the sun creeping up from the horizon and you slowly accept another full day is needed before you can be reunited with the moon again. It almost felt as if his mind had absently been trying to fit together much too similar puzzle pieces, before realizing the puzzle in question wasn’t one made for kids. Because they weren’t kids anymore.
Mike had known it while looking at Will, rain and thunder threatening to rip the sky above them in half, words slipping out of his lips like repulsive bile unwillingly escaping his stomach. The party had always considered Mike the best qualified to piece clues together, his brain working in ways that always figured out tiny details needed to solve whatever mind bugging problem they had encountered, Upside Down related or not. And Mike might have even taken them up on that, if it weren’t for the sense of helplessness that washed over him as he entered his own lunar phase.
“Yeah. I guess I did. I really did.”
Will’s face haunted his mind like a broken washing machine, words whirling endlessly, slowly tugging at the hidden layers of his brain Mike hadn’t dared to fully undust before. The slap across his face resonated less and less with each phase, until all Mike could perceive was the bare touch of a tingly fingertip lightly bending the skin of his freckled cheek. Yet, his throat tasted like stagnant rust as he gulped on forbidden glances and warm hearts that felt much more connected than they should have.
“Not possible.”
The still overly warm air and the moving truck in front of the Byers’ house allowed Mike to swim safely within the illusion that it would all end in their absence. That his mind would be shut down with one clear cut clicking sound, reducing himself to nothing more than a puppet. Yet, for as much as he tried to, no matter the eagerness to figure it out, Mike didn’t know who was behind pulling the strings. Of one thing he was certain, though: he wasn’t the author of his own torments. Or at least that’s what he needed to tell himself.
Mike didn’t feel any less of a mistake standing in Will’s empty room, lips clashing against his (now ex) girlfriend’s, mind filled to the brim with insatiable nests of green irises and shy smiles and purple starred cleric costumes. Having lost track of the phases he’d found himself being thrown in, Mike just accepted it as he let the freezing breeze of enlightenment sweep him off his feet and into a hole of embarrassment and disgust.
“Sorry, that made me sound like a 7 year old.”
At this point, Mike wasn’t sure if he’d felt more stupid or more tired. Too stupid for allowing himself to pretend so blatantly, to mold his person into something he wouldn’t even be able to recognize in the mirror if he tried. Too tired to do anything to change it, almost settling for the distortion, the unfaithfulness, the disguise and the unusual comfort it brought him.
It wasn’t the first time Mike had felt completely misplaced, much like that key you were supposed to leave by the front door but somehow ended up finding stuffed between the couch cushions. His eyes shifted towards Will. His head was hanging low, gaze sticking to the tip of his shoe like freshly laid out asphalt on a new road. Mike swallowed loudly, embarrassment ringing in his ears like a much too loud whistle, lips fluttering shut in the vain attempt to take back his last words. Enough of pretending . Enough of hiding.
“Hey, hey Will. Please, look at me.”
Mike couldn’t help himself when he found his feet starting a motion that didn’t run through his brain first, taking tentative steps towards Will. He lifted his hand, itching with the need to be reunited with the warmth of Will’s body, and landed it quietly on his shoulder. Giving it a gentle squeeze, he awaited as his best friend slowly raised his head to finally face him. Will’s eyes were glassy, green polluted with that type of fog that muffled out the symphony that flooded Mike’s heart whenever their eyes locked. And there was nothing Mike wanted more than for that melody to radiate loud and clear, untouched notes of happiness and unambiguous love blasting through the empty halls of his head. However, he stared at Will, mouth shut as strained music walked into his earbuds, messed up violin strings pulling at the corners of his heart as he desperately tried to tune it out.
“Hey, it’s gonna be ok, I promise. I know you’re scared right now. Hell, I’m scared right now too. But I promise you we’re gonna find a way out of here. We’ll be back home soon.”
Mike felt those words leave his mouth like freshly squeezed lemon juice. Of course he thought they would be okay. What bugged him laid beneath the surface, a doubt emerging like the tip of a hastily melting iceberg. Mike had no questions about monsters, interdimensional portals, spores, vines and whatnot. In his mind, a laugh started blasting through the pulsating walls of his brain. How ironic . Out of all the things that one would expect to not make sense in Mike Wheeler’s brain, all he could focus on was whether he and Will Byers shared the same definition of ‘being okay’.
His nearly black eyes bore into Will’s face, taking in every minute detail in such a way that, if someone asked him to, Mike was positive he could’ve drawn his face while being blindfolded. Soft cheeks, carefully chosen shades of pink inhabiting their place. Tired eyes, plagiarized spring forests flourishing in them. Timid lips, quivering tides dancing in the depths of Mike’s love. He took it all in, breath catching in his throat as his doubts melted away like ice cream in the summer sun. He gave Will’s shoulder another shy squeeze, and suddenly he was sure. Okay was anything, as long as they were together. As long as Mike had Will next to him, nothing was gonna bring him down.
Will’s lips quivered with anxiety, before he finally parted them and spoke up.
“But what.. what if we never see them again, Mike?”
And maybe it hit him a little now, the sheer selfishness slapping him across the face for allowing those previous thoughts to be a lifeline in that moment. How could Mike even think of being okay, if he knew Will was hurting? If he knew Will wasn’t thinking straight? He could read his best friend like an open book, words printed out in gigantic headlines, meanings highlighted in tons of different colors. Just sparing him a singular glance was enough to perceive the fright that radiated off of his body. Mike tightened the grip he had on his friend’s shoulder, mental messages intertwining between their distant but connected minds. I’m right here. We’ll be fine.
“I won’t let that happen, Will. I promise, we’ll find a way out of here.”
This time, the words left a sweet flavor on his tongue, with a hidden hint of determination. Mike knew he wasn’t just shooting words out like meaningless rockets. He was gonna protect Will, if it was the last thing he did. As if Mike’s words were connected to invisible threads attached to Will’s mouth, the corners of his mouth bent upwards, forming an adorably crooked smile. Mike liked to think Will’s emotions were like a temporary tattoo plastered on his heart with each new occasion. And right now his heart ached with the warm fuzz that came from looking at Will in the eye and seeing the fog dissipating from the green, vastities of emeralds and bright chrysanthemums and all sweet things that inhabited nature.
You’re the heart, Mike.
Heart. Life had all sorts of ways to be funny, Mike had thought on multiple occasions, laying in bed at night, head restless with nothing but cohesion. All nights led him back to one fundamental question: What is the heart?
Mike imagined heart would be opening gifts on Christmas morning and finding the exact present you wished for. Heart would be coming back from a bad school day and finding out your mom made you your favorite meal. Heart would be afternoons spent at the arcade, turns on DigDug, coins stolen from Nancy’s savings. Heart would be bike rides and late night talks on the walkie when everyone else is asleep. Heart would be science classes together and music cassettes stolen from Jonathan’s room. Heart would be young swingsets and shaky questions and right answers. Heart would be simple smiles and shy dimples, dark messy hair and deep hazel green eyes. Who is the heart?
Mike knew. Surely, it couldn’t be him. Not even a myriad of paintings could reject his point. If time is supposed to tell, it sure as hell had told him. Heart isn’t about shields and D&D games. It isn’t about leading the party. Heart is.. Will. Will, who was hit so many times and fell all of them, but always managed to get back up. Will, who didn’t lose his old self in the process. Will, who didn’t let the pain he was drenched and almost drowned in at only 12 years old alter what he was. What he always had been. The heart. Will fought and hurt and lost and cried, but never had he stopped loving, not even for a second.
How could Mike be the heart? Not when he stood in front of an actual warrior. Will didn’t need an armor or a shield or a sword to be one. He just stood there, cuffed pants and a striped t-shirt and an innocent smile on his face. Will didn’t know. He actually had no idea that if he looked hard enough, Mike could almost see his heart shine right through his chest, its power so inebriating its magic could be felt from miles away.
But Mike hadn’t been the one to give Will the painting. He hadn’t been the one spending hours that would never return on creating something so special for someone who barely felt like they deserved it in the first place. Mike truly felt like laughing out loud now. How could he be the heart? When Will simply… existed. Yet, he couldn’t just ignore the fact that Will must have painted that heart on his shield for a reason. And somehow, figuring that out right now felt futile, as they stood in the damp and spore infested air of the Upside Down, trying to come up with a reasonable plan to follow while they were trapped in there. Mike had spent a lifetime pretending: to love, to be someone he’s not, to not love. And he sure as hell could do it one more time, especially if it meant protecting Will and getting him home all in one piece. Mike could pretend, for the time being, that he felt like he truly was the heart. Not any heart, for that matter, but the heart Will had painted him out to be.
“Listen, why don’t we go to my house? Sure, it won’t be as cozy as it used to be when we were younger, but maybe we can try to rest a little if we’re at least a little bit sheltered.”
Mike shot a warm smile towards his friend, who welcomed it with open hands and indulged in it for a second, before his own lips curled up. His eyes evoked tiredness, all shades of green begging to be repainted with a fresh layer of paint that only resting could provide. Mike knew Will was aware that he needed to rest. But he was also aware of how much he knew Will. So, when his eyes landed on his friend’s lips, ready to part and counter with his words, Mike beat Will to it.
“And don’t you dare tell me you don’t need it. Cuz that’s bull and we both know it.”
He never stopped looking at Will, eyes pleading to be listened to. He really just needed Will to trust him on this. Trust. It occurred to Mike how hardly he had been underestimating that word. And how difficult it must’ve been for Will to be able to trust Mike, after everything he went through. After everything Mike put him through. He swallowed hard, a lump forming in his throat, sticking to his tonsil like black tar. Mike dropped his gaze to the floor, vines intertwining everywhere. He looked at the tip of their shoes, almost touching one another, and for a second, he imagined those to be their foreheads. Oh, how badly had Mike dreamed of sharing such a moment with Will. But the sour aftertaste of reality would come kicking in violently whenever he dared to linger a little longer than usual in that area of his brain. And then he’d be back, heart drenched in delusion and brain swimming in shame, cheeks reddened.
You’re a disgrace to your family, Michael.
The voice in his head would cling tightly around his neck, a cobra ready to asphyxiate its prey in a matter of seconds. Guilt would come at him, clutching itself to his ankles, dragging him down into the much too deep sea of emotions that flooded whenever he was close to Will. Mike could swear he would never figure out whether he’d rather be lifted out of the water or be brought right down to the bottom. Maybe he did wear an armor after all, but it didn’t look anything like the one Will gave him in his painting. This one was made of lies, thickly wrapped around his whole body, choked feelings spurring from his being, fake realities emerging from his eyes.
If he focused really hard, he could almost feel the air being sucked out of his lungs, the snake only tightening its grip around Mike’s neck. He wasn’t at sea, but he sure felt like he was drowning all over again.
“Okay yeah, I could use a nap actually.”
Will’s voice threw itself at him like a life jacket. Mike latched onto it as if his life depended on it. He let oxygen, and probably a thousand other poisonous substances, flood his lungs for a second, inhaling and exhaling to the rhythmic sound of his heart beat.
“Great then, let’s go!”
If Will had noticed how out of breath Mike was, he hadn’t commented on it. Instead, they just walked side by side towards their destination, careful not to step onto vines and not sharing a single word for the whole way.
As Mike’s house came into view, Will slightly tilted his head to look at his best friend.
“So like.. what’s the plan here exactly?”
Mike shifted his gaze from his house to look at Will. His brows were furrowed in delicate confusion as he awaited a response to his question. Mike supposed it would have been a smart move to plan their movements, especially since they were currently trapped in an alternate dimension filled to the brim with all kinds of mind boggling monsters. Yet, he wasn’t surprised when he found nothing but white noise filling up his brain, instead of a concrete answer to offer to Will. Still, the words left his mouth before he could linger too much on his thoughts.
“Well, I suggest we walk in and take shelter somewhere safe, maybe the basement or something. That way the bats definitely cannot see us. And then you can take a nap and I’ll keep watch and… you know, keep yo- us safe. A-and…” He quickly licked his lips, suddenly feeling the urge to chug down 15 glasses of water in a row. “And I guess we can figure the rest out later?”
Will simply hummed in return, lips slightly curving upwards on the right side of his mouth. His hand landed directly onto the Wheelers front door’s handle, hesitant to twist it and looking at Mike right in the eye for some sort of confirmation. As if they were speaking a silent language, Mike quietly nodded, gaze moving from Will’s face to his hand as it slowly got into motion and the door budged open with a squeaking noise. Slimy vines engulfed the entirety of the interiors, turning sweet memories into a much too bitter reality. Mike and Will shared one look of uncertainty before carefully stepping inside and shutting the door behind them. Minding extra attention to the living hive mind that covered up the floor of this version of his house, Mike stepped in front of Will and hurried forward towards the basement door. As it flung open, Mike was teleported 6 years back, two tiny figures running down the stairs to join their friends to play their favorite game for hours until his mom’s voice would ring loudly and split them up for the night.
I would give everything I’ve ever owned to be able to go back and make things right from the beginning.
But it was too late now, wasn’t it? He watched as the train left the station, steam vaporizing in the air like long lost opportunities.
Mike’s eyes meticulously scanned every dark corner of the room, hopefully searching for a spot relatively free of vines that they could occupy for at least a couple hours. He couldn’t help but be extremely surprised when he noticed almost the entire surface of the couch remained untouched, if not for the bottom part and the left side which were diligently tangled up in endless amounts of vines. How convenient . He looked at Will, whose eyes were already tiredly aiming for the couch.
“That’s gotta work, right?” Will asked him, his voice quiet, almost resembling a whisper.
“Ehm, yeah, yeah. That should be fine.”
It took them maybe 3 or 4 steps to reach their destination. Mike stared down at the couch, careful not to step on anything that could get them killed within 15 minutes. Will silently mirrored his actions before throwing himself on the sofa and letting a yawn escape his lips. Mike took a seat to his left, looking at him the same way you would a newborn puppy, painfully torn between wanting to wrap your arms around it and realizing you shouldn’t do that, at least not just yet. He followed Will’s movements, his eyes trailing along his friend’s hands as he rubbed at his eyes in an effort to keep himself awake. Mike observed, his silence falling somewhere between admiration and shyness, as Will folded himself to the left and let his head blop freely. He barely managed to let his eyes fall shut, when Mike’s voice invaded the petrifying silence that surrounded them.
“Hey, why don’t you.. I don’t know.. maybe lie down? Wouldn’t that be more comfortable for you?” He nervously bit at his lip, his front teeth finding a home in the soft flesh of his mouth.
“Well yeah probably, but what if vines crawl on my head while I sleep?” Will didn’t hesitate to explain himself, as his eyes now remained open and fixed upon Mike’s face.
“Oh, uhm no, don’t worry. I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen. Told you I’d keep watch, remember?” He shot Will a warm smile, the unspoken connection of their brains bringing understanding upon them. You’re safe with me. I won’t let anything bad happen to you ever again.
But Mike had always carried the terrible habit of letting his mouth and his brain compete in a nerve wrecking race, to which somehow his mind punctually came out as a winner. So there he stood again, momentarily happy with the words that escaped his lips, ego seemingly inflating with the acknowledgement that he would do anything in his power to successfully protect his favorite person. However, realization completely knocked the air out of his lungs as soon as his eyes landed upon the minimal space left on the couch, his and Will’s body already coìnciding in more than one point. He looked up at Will, whose eyes were still stuck on his face, expression relaxed and peaceful. He was looking at Mike through his thick eyelashes, deep green doe eyes scanning every hidden shade of his own irises. No matter how much of a perfectly normal best friend behavior that might have been in his books, Mike couldn’t help it when his cheeks reddened, looking much like all the color had been drained from a thousand cherries and splashed right across his face. Seas of freckles turned into a myriad of strawberries seeds, summer sweetness spreading across his tender cheeks. And if that wasn’t enough to make Mike melt and linger helplessly within his own overwhelming feelings, nothing could have possibly prepared him for the words that his friend uttered at him mere seconds later.
“So, uhm, unless you want me to lay down on the ground and use the vines as blankets, do you think I could like, lay my head on your lap or something?”
Mike must’ve shot him a look that traveled along the lines of “You’ve just killed my entire family” or “Are you completely out of your mind?”, because Will was much too quick to shove his words back into his mouth.
“Or not. Nevermind that, it was stupid of me to ask. I’ll just lean over her-”
“NO!”
The word ran out of Mike’s mouth with the same speed that it took him to promptly cover his lips with both hands and shoot Will a mortified look. They simultaneously took a look around the room, a terrified part of their being acknowledging the possibility of bats swarming into and flooding the room any minute. Suddenly, Mike was hyper aware of the sensitivity of the place they were stuck in, one tiny scream enough to condemn them both in a matter of minutes. However, when nothing around them was altered and they remained the single living thing in their proximity, Mike allowed his hands to fall freely to his knees and looked apologetically at Will.
“Fuck, I’m- I’m sorry about that.” He took sudden interest in staring at his own hands, fingers fidgeting around and flooding his vision, replacing the face of his best friend. The face of someone he was so painfully enamored with, yet couldn’t bear to look at for too long without having to physically fight the urge to cup his face with those same hands and make their lips fit together like the last two pieces of a puzzle that took way too long to be completed.
“What I meant to say is, of course you can lie down here. I want you to be comfortable, you know... My mom always says it’s important to sleep in a good position otherwise you could hurt your neck and we don’t want you to wake up all sore. As if waking up in a monstrous alternate dimension with your idiot of a best friend isn't enough anyways-”
“Mike.”
“So like yes of course you can lie down here and don’t worry about vines and stuff and maybe if I move a little to the side you can have more space and sleep even better and-”
“Mike!” Will's voice was stained by an amused laugh, notes of sweet gratefulness bleeding from his eyes like a sleepless waterfall. He was looking at him now, subtle wrinkles decorating the corners of his eyes, hand to hand with one of his genuine smiles.
Mike let his eyelids be met with darkness as his eyes closed and his upper and lower lip clashed into each other, forming a straight line.
“Sorry.” His voice and his sighs became one as he breathed the words out. Mike realized. He really did. And man, wasn’t he glad that he could keep his heart at bay by far better than he could his mouth.
Will simply looked at him, the corners of his mouth bending upwards as to reunite with his eyes to form a tender smile. Mike wasn’t sure of a lot of things, not even after almost 18 years of being alive. But one thing he was sure of, and had been sure of ever since that sweet kindergarten day: no matter what he would go through, no matter the amount or variety of people he’d meet throughout his life, no one could and would ever understand him the way Will Byers did.
His whole life, Mike Wheeler had seen his being morph into so many despicable things, he wasn’t quite sure he could tell where the line between reality and pretend ended anymore. The nerd, frog face, the son who plagiarized an essay and graffitied the bathroom stalls, the friend who could not for the life of him stop hurting his best friend, the boyfriend who couldn’t tell his girlfriend he loved her unless she was literally about to die in front of him. In 17 years of life, Mike was forced to wear so many masks, to conceal what he was truly made of to make space for what the others wanted him to be. What they expected him to be. Normal . The perfect student, the impeccable son, the emotionally open boyfriend and.. the friend who wasn’t so terribly in love with his male best friend but couldn’t stop projecting his self hatred onto him.
It’s not my fault you don’t like girls.
Mike had felt it the exact moment those words left his mouth. He had seen it in Will’s crushed expression, eyes glassy and breath hitched. He had felt it in the way his airways closed up and his chest grew smaller with every second that went by.
This isn’t about Will, Mike.
But he knew that. Of course he knew. But let’s face it, which was easier? Blinding accepting that you’re so helplessly in love with your male best friend, going against all expectations your family and friends have of you, flushing down the drain the numerous efforts you have made to be normal? Or pretending you’re… just like the others? Like you.. belong? Like you’re not.. different?
You’re hurting him.
Nothing was ever gonna erase all the tears Will was forced to shed because of Mike. Because of his fear, of his stubbornness and, ironically enough, of his love. And Mike was never gonna forgive himself for it. But regardless of everything, it remained easier to hide behind a shield than to become the shield yourself, didn’t it?
You’re a coward.
Reluctantly enough, Mike had accepted that truth a long time ago. Even if it knocked the air right out of his lungs every single time he caught Will still being the only person in the entirety of the world (alternate dimensions included) that accepted him for who he truly was.
A loser. A fraud. A victim of a crime he, himself, had committed. And as the whole world around him tried to capture his wrists into a pair of rusty handcuffs, Will was the one holding the keys to them. He always had been. And Mike so wished he hadn’t needed to be stuck into so many different prison cells to realize the way out had been standing right in front of him this entire time.
“It’s okay Mike, don’t worry.” He laughed it out.
Oh, but I do worry, Will . I worry that someday you’re gonna realize the way my fucked up brain works and you’re gonna run. And the worst part of it all would be how badly I would understand you. How easily I wouldn’t blame you. Cuz if I could, I’d run from myself too.
Mike took a long deep breath, allowing the oxygen to flow freely through his nose.
Man, I’m so tired. Please, just.. hold me and never let go.
“So uhm… can I or?”
Will was looking directly at Mike’s legs now, awaiting a positive response from his friend. Why the hell did Mike think this would be a good idea to begin with?
Because you need it, idiot.
“Uhhh, yeah, of course. Just..” Mike’s hand motioned Will towards him, finally tapping on his lap twice so as to tell his friend where to rest his head. “Put your head here, I guess?”
He observed with guilty eyes as Will lied down, seas of lavender infused brown hair swarming the previously unoccupied space of his upper legs. He scanned Will’s face, not entirely sure which part of it he wanted to focus on the most, until his vision was flooded with unmistakable hazel. The green actively refusing to let his eyelids join Morpheus in such a hasty way as their eyes locked together tightly. Will’s breath steading almost immediately and his shoulder relaxing as Mike’s legs turned into actual jelly beneath the body weight they were withholding. No matter how loudly his brain was shouting at him to tear his gaze away, to stare at literally anything else in the room, Mike's eyes remained glued to his best friend’s face. He couldn’t help it when a smile escaped from his lips, like a fugitive successfully running away from prison. Will’s response didn’t make itself wait, both their smiles tying themselves tightly through the melody of their hearts beating in unison. Just then, Will finally allowed his eyes to fall shut, a delicate sigh accompanying the gesture.
Mike studied the rhythmic pattern with which Will’s chest inflated and deflated, long eyelashes still like a marble statue and chapped lips peacefully ajar.
God, he’s so beautiful.
His bodily reaction was, much to his dismay, immediate. He felt his heart descend into his stomach, beating so dangerously fast he was afraid even Will would be able to hear it from where he laid. All the blood in his body rushed to his cheeks, freckles swarmed up with the intensity of tenderness. His breath was shaky, unsure, almost.. scared.
Stupid. So stupid. The glass box closed in on him with every minute that passed, every realization shattering the glass a tad more. And just when Mike thought he’d be reaching its breaking point, all it took was one second of him getting distracted for the glass to completely heal itself and turn indestructible yet again. The hammer would disappear from his hands, and he’d go back to sitting down in the silence of the defeating crystal clear walls. Transparent, unlike him. Mike couldn’t help but feel incredibly stained, rivers of wasted ink merged with painfully tear wet paper, buried in ever open unsent envelopes of emotions.
“Will?”
He wasn’t sure whether he wished more for a response or for silence. Nevertheless, all his hearing was flooded with was the unnerving rumbling of thunder outside, highly in contrast with the sweetness that came with Will’s breathing.
“Are you asleep?” He tried once more, not sure why.
“Hmmm.” Will only barely mumbled, eyes still shut and expression peaceful. However, without needing to alert Mike, he shifted his position, so as to turn and lie onto his left side. Mike sighed, somewhat relieved not to be facing the other boy anymore, swimming in the safety of that shield yet once more. Everyone had always considered Will to be the one good at hiding, but Mike thought he was doing a pretty decent job himself, wasn’t he?
As he looked at the back of Will’s head, his hand itched for his fingers to gently intertwine with Will’s soft hair and play with it. Mike had already prepared his mental vinyl, popped it onto the record player, ready to let it blast into what now felt like much too empty walls of his brain. You know you shouldn’t do that. That’s not right. You can’t.
But then his eyes fell onto their surroundings. Myriads of vines infesting what should be his basement like some sort of inextinguishable disease. Questionable goo dripping down the walls, disgustingly squelching in a way that made Mike’s stomach turn upside down.
What the hell. Fuck it.
The world as they knew it could’ve ended any minute now. Alternatively, the possibility of them remaining stuck in that hellhole of a place forever existed. And for as much as Mike appreciated the idea of being with Will forever, he’d much rather live with him than die with him. The point being, he had no idea about what was gonna happen next, whether that be a good ending or a bad one. The only thing he knew, though, was that he was not about to let his supposedly last moments with his best friend go to waste. And most importantly, he wasn’t gonna hold back anymore. Not when it mattered this much to him.
He lifted a tentative hand, aiming for the top of Will’s head. When he reached his destination, he was met with the warmth that Will’s scalp emanated. For a moment, Mike’s hand just lingered there, as if lost in a maze he had no idea how to get out of. But as seconds flew by, his fingers started tracing shy patterns on his best friend’s head. In the darkness of the room, Will remained still. The only sound his mouth uttered was the slightest sigh possible. Mike wasn’t quite sure if that meant Will had felt his hand land on his head, but he decided that for once he didn’t care. He gave in to the movements, allowing himself to show Will the love he’d been pleading to gift him for a while. Or, at least, a tiny portion of it.
He allowed his hand to wander to the bottom of Will’s head, hesitantly brushing his fingers along the side of his neck. The contact of his skin against Will’s sent immediate shivers down his spine, the hair on his arms raising instinctively. His heart continued beating extremely quickly, the adrenaline running in his body almost as if he were committing some sort of forbidden criminal act. Mike delicately leaned forward, paying attention to not let his legs move and, consequently, bother Will. He allowed his eyes to trace the outline of his friend’s face, the chapped lips, the ridge of his nose, the curve of his eyelids.
“I wish I could.. just let you know.”
He observed attentively as Will’s eyelids trembled ever so slightly, yet his expression remained unphased and no verbal response came out of him. Mike could feel the hidden drawer in his mind slowly budging open, the danger of his own thoughts catching up to his mouth.
“There’s nothing I wish more than to let you in, Will. I need to let you in. It’s only just fucking fair really, isn’t it? It’s the least I can offer to you after all these years of me treating you like shit and pretending like you’re not the most important person in my life. Hiding and making it seem like it would be ok for me to fucking let go of you. Like it wouldn’t literally break me in half. I wish I could tell you, Will. How badly I need to protect you. How badly I need you to never fucking leave me again. But it’s just.. so scary to open up like that. Not when I hate myself so badly for it. Not when I feel so dirty because of it.”
Mike could feel his eyes tingling, tears threatening to fall down any minute now. He kept on caressing the back of Will’s head, completely submerged by emotions, regret and eagerness fighting for dear life as he stood in the corner trying to figure out which one he wanted to win more. Regardless of his eternal indecisiveness, one glance at Will’s peaceful face was all it took.
“Did you know I’ve kept every single drawing you’ve given me since we were 5 years old? I actually made a book out of them. I keep it under my bed because I’m scared someone is gonna find it, again and make fun of me, again . Yeah, Holly once saw me caressing one of the pages and laughed at me for a week straight. Did you know I actually used to do that all the time when you were gone? When I thought I.. we ’d lost you, forever. And I guess what’s truly funny is, I spent every day and every night of that week praying that you were still alive, that you’d just come back home. I promised myself I’d never let you get hurt again if that happened, that I’d protect you from anything bad around. But man-” A small, sour laugh escaped his lips. “Who the fuck was gonna tell me the worst thing that could happen to you was.. me. Don’t even get me started.”
Mike lifted his free hand to wipe violently at his eyes, tears hand in hand with the freckles on his cheeks. He sniffled repeatedly, now looking away from Will and resting his back against the couch seat.
“I will never be able to forgive myself, Will. And honestly, I’ve always wondered how the hell you do it. How you just watch me shatter you into a million pieces and never blame me one single time . You just.. accept it. Why do you just accept me, Will? I don’t fucking deserve any of this. And I know that you know it too. That you’re way too good for me. Way too good for anybody, literally. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to make sure you were actually real.” He gently grabbed Will’s hair, perceiving it under his fingertips. “Cuz there’s simply no way you are, Will. How are you real? How.. are you my friend still? Because seriously, I’ve failed you. I prayed so hard to get you back just to lose you all over again. And honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten you back. I never will. You can only lose someone so many times before you can never get them back. And at this point, is it even that bad of a thing if it means I can keep you safe from me?”
Mike sniffled hard one more time, blowing streams of hot breath out through his mouth, terrified attempts to stabilize his breathing.
“I feel like I’m going fucking crazy Will. I wish I’d never told you. I wish I’d never promised you. We never went crazy together. I went crazy. And hurt you in the process just so I could feel less miserable about myself. About the things that I wish for when I’m lying in bed at night. I wish I could tell you how much I’ve wished to be someone different. Someone better. Someone who couldn’t hurt you. Someone who didn’t treat you like you’re worth nothing. Someone who made you feel appreciated for who you are. Someone who wasn’t so fucking miserably in love with you, Will.”
Mike brought both his hands to his face, cupping his cheeks and feeling the warmth radiating from them transfer onto his fingertips. He let his head fall backwards as he welcomed freshly shed tears, allowing himself to feel , for once in his life. Enough of pretending. Enough of hiding.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Will. If I could change things, I promise I’d erase myself from your life in a heartbeat. I’m so sorry, Will. Please, don’t forgive me this time.. don’t…please.”
He allowed himself to linger in the feeling of helplessness that was slowly taking over every inch of his body, as his hand finally parted from Will’s scalp just to be turned into a fist. Mike could feel the color drain from his knuckles as he squeezed his nails against the palms of his hand, digging deep, praying for any sort of physical pain that could somewhat overcome the burn that inhabited his chest in that moment. He reached for the collar of his t-shirt and furiously tried to loosen it, the contact with the skin on his neck seemingly impacting his breathing more than his anxiety already was. He sighed heavily, letting his head blop to the side, eyes falling yet again onto Will’s back which moved in perfect synchrony with the breaths escaping his mouth.
“You’ll never really know…”
His tone was down to a whisper, the words tickling the root of his mouth as they left his quivering lips. His mind felt like it had completely shut down, regardless of the train of thoughts which swarmed it relentlessly. His shoulders periodically shook with the silent hiccups that accompanied his quiet cry for help. He remained like this for what felt like hours, but realistically wouldn’t have been longer than 45 minutes. By the end of this, his head was throbbing, his heartbeat pulsating through his temples. It genuinely felt like his eyelids had taken up the weight of the entire world, the tears finally wearing off but nevertheless leaving behind the vexing aftermath of their presence. His eyes, glassy and broken, remained shut as both his hands gently rubbed at the sides of his head in the desperate attempt to find some relief from the headache.
It didn't work.