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It was only 2am.
They had played a rough game against Austin and they had one more night in the hotel before an early flight back to Ottawa.
Ilya was wrapped around Shane. Ilya had his signature 81 custom bonnet on and was completely naked otherwise, as was his husband.
They had a rowdy night to celebrate their well earned victory and after three rounds and a good shower they both collapsed on the bed.
It was supposed to be a calm night, falling asleep to the sound of each other’s breathing.
Then the alarms rang out.
“Fuck!” Ilya shot up agitated at the sudden noise.
Shane sat up as well, quickly wincing at the noise.
Ilya moved to the small bed side clock and hit the snooze button a hard as he could.
The ringing persisted. It was loud, like it was everywhere in the room.
Shane was overwhelmed now, he brought him hands over his ears and looked to his husband. Ilya had pulled the chord out of the clock but the ringing persisted still.
God this was hell.
All the sudden a keycard was heard clicking into their room.
Their coach immediately pushed in. He was wearing nothing but a sleep shirt and some shorts.
“Guy you need to leave, fire!” Wiebe said quickly as he tried to avert his gaze from the naked husbands.
Panic ran through Shane like cold water.
Fire.Fire.Fire
Ilya was already moving to yank out a half decent pair of clothes so they could quickly leave.
Shane stood and followed suit. Sliding on the hoodie and shorts Ilya had thrown too him.
They flowed in silent fear and organized chaos.
Shane looked into the hallway and it was bathed in flashing red lights that accompanied the screeching of the fire alarm and the panicked shouts of his teammates.
Shane turned to his husband who was trying to grab their phones before they left.
“Ilya we need to go! Leave it!” Shane urged as he grabbed his husbands hand.
Ilya moved to let Shane drag him out and they both ran to the stairwell that was authorized in case of fires.
It was so loud. The overlapping sounds of everyone in the hotel trying to rush out at the same time.
Shane was half way down the stairs when a body pushed him. He turned around to find that Ilya was not behind him.
He was met with a panicked mother cradling her young child as he clung onto her and wailed.
As she raced to the exit she pushed a tall and broad man right into Shane nearly knocking him off his feet.
The man smelled like cheap beer and thick cologne. “FUCKING MOVE MAN.”
Shane clutched onto his own hoodie as he tried to take deep breaths and locate his husband. Whipping head frantically.
“Shane! Shit. WE NEED TO GO.” Someone was yelling at him. He hadn’t realized he was standing still. Whoever it was grabbed him and dragged him through the stream of yelling people.
Loud people. Can’t find Ilya. Cheap beer. Fire.
Oh god what if Ilya got trapped…what if..
Shane was now standing on the lawn of the hotel. Hands shaking and breathing hitched.
He saw the person who had pulled him out was Bood “Shane deep breaths. Everyone will be ok.”
“Yeah..” He nodded firmly as if to convince himself.
Bood huddled close to him within the crowd of people and inadvertently kept everyone else around them away.
Shane would never admit it out loud but they were both pretty tall and muscular. They stood out to everyone around them.
Bood was slightly taller than Shane and wore nothing but his white tank top and sweatpants. They both probably looked intimidating to everyone.
That was the only reason he could find when people moved away from him once the crowd had settled. They might have just been scared.
“I’m good…” Shane mumbled to himself.
“Yeah, all good here bro.” Bood said as a quietly shivered.
Shane gave another silent nod as he tried to take a deep breath. The alarm was still ringing out and could be heard from outside of the hotel.
The sharp sound of it made his spine tingle.
“Oh Jesus, Shane your socks.” Bood was looking down at Shane’s feet.
Shane looked down to find that he wasn’t wearing shoes and was currently standing in a patch of mushy, muddy grass.
He let out a groan and shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie.
They stood there for another 20 minutes while the firefighters finally arrived.
Everything got way louder, and more panicked.
People were shoving and push pushing to get out of the way of the help. Bood which shoved hard as the crowd moved like a bulbous creature.
Shane was able to place his arms on Zane‘s back before he was able to fully fall over. The sound of the sirens coming from the fire truck didn’t stop.
Honking yelling scream, screaming, thumping.
A few firefighters stepped out into the crowd to assess everybody. Asking the crowd to calm down a little bit so that way they could do this in an orderly fashion. They were yelling very, very loud.
Everyone was very very loud. And Ilya was nowhere.
Bood was looking around nervously and playing with his wedding ring.
“Okay.” Shane said as he looked up for a brief moment to meet Bood’s eyes. It became too much after a second.
Bood understood the gesture and relaxed a bit. “Yup okay..”
Just then a child ran into the Shane’s side and fell onto the ground.
“Sorry Mr. Hollander…sorry..” the kid apologized before running back into the ground.
Wiping himself off as he weaved through the crowd like it was nothing. Like it was this manageable task instead of Shane’s own personal hell.
Whatever personal space he had before was officially lost as people were looking for their loved ones. The shock had worn off and now they all needed to get together. Shane wanted to move. He wanted to find his husband, but the thought of moving through the crowd made his stomach flip.
first, it was an elbow then it was someone’s back, pressing up against his. Then it was some older lady grabbing onto his arm and his effort to push yourself through the crowd, mistakingly push, pushing him deeper into the mushy ground. He was standing on.
He could feel the mud starting to crust on his toes. Why didn’t he have a fucking socks.
He turned to Bood whose eyes were still transfixed on the blaring firetruck.
“I don’t know how much more I can do.” He said plainly. He could already feel the energy coiling in his chest. He could feel his head starting to throb with anxiety. If he stood out here for much longer, he doesn’t know what he do but he knows it wouldn’t be anything good.
“It might be a few more-hey!” Bood turn to whoever was pushing past him.
“Fuck…” Shane was trying to keep it together.
He could stifle this until he was back into his room. He had done this 1000 times before. Throughout his entire career being a hockey legend. If the buzzing ,as he so adoringly called it, started while he was in public. He would simply hold it and push it down until he was somewhere private. Usually it made the episode more explosive, more severe. But it was an equal price to pay for what would probably be public humiliation.
———
Fuck where is he.
Where the fuck is he.
Stupid fire. Stupid hotel. Stupid crowd.
“Ilya you need to breathe man.” Troy put a hand his shoulder as he slid down the brick wall of the hotel.
in the rush of the crowd, they had been pushed to the far back end of the hotel near the pool area. They had managed to get down the staircase, but only after being shoved up by the cacophony of panicked guests. When they finally made it down, they were one of the last people to make it out and Shane was nowhere to be seen.
“I need him…” Ilya rubbed his face in frustration.
Shane had to have gotten out he had to. Ilya had seen him just in front of him before they were cut off by somebody and he was forced back up the stairs.
Please, God don’t let him still be in there. Please don’t let him have been trapped by the idiots who can’t seem to organize for the life of them. He wishes they had brought their phones at least then Shane could text him and tell them that he was still breathing that he wasn’t….
Ilya clutched his cross and tugged his bonnet down to hide the tears beginning to pool in his eyes.
Troy turned to Hayes and gave him a knowing look.
“He got out. I’m sure of it.” Wyatt added calmly.
Ilya nodded.
Before he could reply, the loud blaring of a fire truck pulling into the front of the hotel, ran through the area, causing people to scream and yell all over again. The crowd got a bit more rowdy. They barely felt it from where they were standing close to the hotel but they could see the way the crowd shifted and pushed and pulled like waves on a beach.
Shane would hate this. He thought to himself.
Shane hated squashy crowds and he hated overly loud sounds. If Shane was OK he was definitely not having a fun time. He’s all alone. Somewhere in this crowd where he can’t see.
Ilya began to shudder a bit. Feeling the cool breeze on his bare shoulders.
“When we go back inside? Freezing here!” Ilya got up and looked at the commotion of the geared up men heading into the building.
A part of him thought about how hot Shane would be in that gear. Holding him and picking him up, rushing him out of a burning building like a damsel in distress. Shane could do it too. Despite Ilya being 1 inch taller than him, Shane was incredibly strong and could easily lift him.
he would have to save that way for the spank bank. Or maybe his birthday.
He let out a small chuckle at the thought.
“What’s funny?” Troy turned to glare at him like he already knew Ilya was up to no good.
“Shane in that gear would b-“ Ilya was pushed by Wyatt to interrupt whatever filthy was about to spew.
“Whore..” Wyatt said jokingly
“And proud.” Ilya replied before anxiously checking the crowd again.
Just then they heard some commotion from the crowd.
Ilya saw a pair of strong brown eyes focused in on him appearing from the mass of people.
“Ilya!” Shane was finally running towards him having been freed by the crowd.
“Shane?Shane!” Ilya ran out and as well.
———
After a good self pep talk Shane finally muster up the courage to push his way through the crowd and find his husband.
It wasn’t that hard knowing Ilya he would probably be closer to the back.
Bood followed him and stuck close closely to his back like a lost puppy. It must’ve looked ridiculous.
Now he was running into his husband’s arms, and they were embracing with a deep possessive kiss.
“My Shane..” Ilya said as they finally broke apart.
They immediately began to check in on one another.
“Your shoes..”
“S gross..” Shane shivered at the feeling of the mud “Your shirt..”
Ilya pulled Shane close. “You must keep me warm.”
“Keep yourself warm asshole.” Shane pushed back weakly.
They slowly made their way back to the wall where the rest of their team had joined them.
Apparently, they all could pinpoint the sound of the husband‘s loud reunion and were able to locate them.
Weibe was pacing around on his phone trying to get any information about the fire.
Shane had not let go of his husband’s hand since the had reunited inching closer and closer.
The anxiety was eased a little bit, but it was still a low vibration in the back of his skull.
Somehow the crowd had become more dense, and where they were standing at the wall was now filled with even more people who seemed to have the same idea of getting to the back of the crowd to get some room.
Shane was freaking out. He was touched by what felt like 1000 people today alone. His last pair of sleep socks for the trip we’re now ruined by the mud and he couldn’t wear his shoe socks to bed. That would be ridiculous.
His whole routine was thrown off because it was probably getting closer and closer to when they had to get on the plane and he wouldn’t get enough time to have an adequate sleep and take a shower to wash off whatever germs the strangers have left on him.
On top of that, he had already adjusted his meal schedule to accommodate their early flight and now there was no way he was going to have time to eat before they went to the busy airport. Then he wasn’t gonna be able to have his breakfast.
Because if he ate outside of the meal window, it would affect lunch and the calories would add on top of lunch and then lunch would add on top of dinner. And his husband would be on his case because he spent an extra hour on the treadmill and an extra two hours doing drills in their basement rink to burn off the combined calories of late breakfast and on-time lunch.
He couldn’t tell anyone. They wouldn’t understand. Nobody understands the rules except him. It feels so right and logical to him.
“Eyes open sweetheart…” He could feel Ilya brushing his cheek softly. He didn’t realize he had his eyes pulled shut.
“I can’t do this much longer Ilya..”
“I know..”
“No you don’t-god no you fucking don’t.”
Shane let out a humorless chuckle as he stared down at his mud stained socks to avoid Ilyas knowing glare.
“Shane…” Ilya tried to pull Shane’s face up to look at him.
He always did that to try and make sure the reassurance has landed. But Shane couldn’t handle it today. He couldn’t handle more touch.
Shane pulled his arm away and continued to look down.
Ilya bent down to meet Shane’s eyes. “Shane, darling look at me..look please.” Oh god. Ilya knew he was losing it. He always kept his praises in English when he knew Shane was too overwhelmed to translate.
Shane simply turned his head and looked up and down wherever Ilya wasn’t, that’s where he was looking.
If he looked, he would cry. If he cried, he would sob. If he sobbed…. it was just an avalanche, waiting to happen.
Ilya tried to move in front of his gaze but Shane kept deflecting and moving.
“Ok..” Ilya said softly as he moved to stand next to Shane.
Shane would have to explain to Elia that this was not because he didn’t love him, but because he simply couldn’t.
He can’t do it. He wanted to so badly, but every atom of his body screamed for him not to.
It made him feel so useless. You’re his husband and you can’t even look him in the eye because what you’re upset?
You’re a bad husband. Ilya deserves better. The team deserves better. Your parents deserve better. Everyone deserves better than you. The gay community deserves better representation than the guy who had a panic attack. The first time his husband held his hand in public. The Asian kids who look up to you deserve better than a guy who doesn’t even speak his mother’s birth language. Who doesn’t even have an Asian last name.
Bottle it. Please Shane don’t fuck this up.
Young raced over from where he had been peaking over the crowd from atop an AC unit.
“Guys!” The rookie said as he ran towards the exhausted men in his Teen titans pajama pants and wife beater.
“What news?” Wiebe said as everyone waited in bated breath.
Shane prayed no one had died, that nothing had been damaged.
“The firefighters came back out and said there was no fire that they could find.”
Everyone let out a joint exhale of relief.
“Come, tell more.” Young moved closer as his captain asked.
He turned to give his intel.
“I heard someone say that it was probably a kid who messed around with the fire alarm.”
“Fuck…” Marlow said as he ran a hand through his hair.
“All this bullshit..” Bood said as he threw his hands up.
“Look at it this way nobody is hurt and nobody died. God have you seen those housefire videos? The ones where somebody comes running out and engulfed in flames. It’s horrible.” Young said shaking his head in disbelief.
“Yes, and then you see it on the news four days later and they’re in the ICU with their skin melting off. One of the worst ways to go I tell you.” Dykstra continued
Oh god that could have been them if this wasn’t a fluke. Ilya had been pushed back while he was rushing out of the building. What if he had been trapped? He would’ve ended up just like those people on the news. And Shane would’ve been outside waiting for him like an idiot. He didn’t even push back against the crowd so we could go back in and find him. Too much of a coward, couldn’t handle a little bit of a touch.
Shane squeezed his eyes shut again. Using nothing but pure determination to will down the impending meltdown.
Young was going on about some TikTok he’d seen of a burn victim comedian “Shane remember the one, that guy with like half his face-“
“Young. You are making Shane very upset. Stop talking.” Ilya said quickly.
“Too much..” Shane mumbled as he shook his head.
“Yeah Young not the time bud.” Marlow said as he brought the rookie over to sit against the wall.
Young nodded looking slightly embarrassed.
“You okay my love?” Ilya whispered into Shane’s ear.
Shane didn’t move.
“No more talking.” Ilya nodded to himself as he straightened up.
He knew that Shane got silent when he was overwhelmed. He didn’t realize that Shane was silent because he was trying to keep himself from the verge of breaking apart, not from dissociation.
———
After what felt like forever they finally got back into their room.
Ilya stood in the hall and escorted and checked on every one of his teammates.
As captain, he needed to make sure that his team was functional. To be functional, they needed to be healthy. To be healthy, they needed a good nights sleep, which they weren’t getting. Not tonight.
He made sure before he closed the door to tell each teammate that he loved them almost like a mother.
Each one of them sincerely replied. No jokes. They weren’t too masculine or two grown up to say that they loved each other or to ask for a hug before bed or to ask Ilya to sit with them for a minute just so they could get grounded.
They were family. Ilya loved his team like one. But as he finally shut the last door and checked in with his coach, he was in desperate need of his husband. Shane was probably laying down in bed eyes open, but not quite here.
Knowing him, he probably needed a couple of hours of no talking, no touching to come back into his body.
Ilya was ready for that.
But he wasn’t ready for with Shane silently thrashing against the wall of their hotel room
———
Off.off.off.
Lights on in his room. Shane basically threw himself at the light switch. Leaving the room lit with nothing but the bedside lamp.
His dirty socks. Shane couldn’t seem to get his socks off fast enough. They were dirty and crusty, and the mud was starting to dry against his skin. It was gonna be disgusting. The feeling of it was disgusting. He would have to throw the socks away. The thought of putting them into his bag with the rest of his dirty clothes. no no no no no No.
He was hopping on one leg, trying to get the right sock off. He couldn’t start on the left before starting on the right. But the mud was like an adhesive he hated touching it, but using only two fingers to try and pull it off wasn’t working. He grabbed his whole foot and yanked with his whole body. He essentially toppled over. Barely catching himself with his arm.
He frustratingly had to give up on the right sock and yanked this left one off with precision. Then finally the right one followed suit.
Then the realization hit. Left and then Right.
That was wrong. He never did it like that. He could put them back on again and try again, but the thought of the dirty socks, touching his feet again…
It was wrong. Everything was wrong. The routine was wrong. He was wrong.
“Fuck!” He shouted out as he rubbed his head.
He began to furiously rubbed his face. When he brought his fingers up to his hair, he tightly grabbed bunches of it before dragging his hands, back down, harshly tugging at his hair and leaving him slightly relieved. Repeat.
He began to rock slow slowly. He just needed to regulate just needed to push it all out as quickly as possible before his husband came back from doing his rounds with the team.
Why did he say that it was ok. Why did he smile in Ilya’s face and tell him it was fine that he went to go check on the team before he went to bed.
He pressed himself onto the wall and the rocking knocked his head back against the wall. Don’t do it again Shane. Don’t.
But I felt so good. Shoving all his anxious energy into throwing his body back against the wall. Letting the numbness of the impact relax his body. Again and again. It was a slippery slope. Once he started, he could not stop. And he told himself every time don’t do it. It’s bad. It’s so bad but he couldn’t stop.
He needed this, he wanted this. It felt so lovely and it was his meltdown. It made him feel good. It would make it go smoother. He was gonna do it.
So he did again and again. Dragging his nails across his face, letting the motion push the anxiety out of him.
He let a small groan escape him.
Everything‘s horrible everything is ruined. Everything is bad. Nothing is good.
Playing like a broken record inside his mind.
Then something was near him.
“Shane.”
Oh it was Ilya. God this is horrible. He is being seen. Someone is seeing him be like this. Embarrassment re-lit the fire under his anxiety.
Bad.Bad.
Ilya held his arms and moved him.
He can’t be held responsible for what happened next.
———
Shane’s face was scratched and aggravated. His hair was messy he he’d clearly been tugging on it. And then the hitting.
Hard and quick knocks against the wall. Ilya knew why he did it. Well, maybe not why but he knew what caused it.
He knew that sometimes Shane would get like this and he hated it. Shane would tell Ilya about it afterwards about how much he wishes he could stop, but his body is just not his.
Ilya loves every version of his husband. But this one. This one scares him.
Ilya moved into the hotel room and close the door behind him.
He crouched down and tried to reach Shane from wherever he was deep in his breakdown.
“Shane…come back to me please..” Ilya said firmly.
Shane let out a sound that was between a sob and a groan.
He began to use the palms of his hands to smack his head.
Hard.
So hard that he could see the redness forming on his forehead the second his palms left it.
“Shane don’t!” Ilya reached out and grabbed his wrists.
Shane got more aggravated started shaking more slamming his body more. Ilya knows that when Shane gets like this, he shouldn’t touch, but it had just happened. It was his second instinct.
If something hurts shame, he stops it even if it’s himself. He already hated the decision. The second he made it but now it was too late to take it back so it was better. He doubled down. If he was gonna do this, he was gonna do it fully.
He pulled a screaming thrashing Shane off the wall and onto the floor. Pressing his wrists down and sitting over him.
Shane was wailing like he was being burned alive. His eyes were either shut tight or looking around wild like he wasn’t even there. Like Ilya wasn’t in the room.
“Please stop! Please” he begged as he watched his husband, cry and struggle and thrash. Slamming his head against the floor.
“Stop!” He used his elbows to keep Shane’s wrists pinned down and slid his hands under Shane’s head to absorb the force of his slamming.
He had never gotten this bad before. It had never gone this long before. Why didn’t he see it. Why couldn’t he stop it.
He felt so helpless. The same helplessness he felt so long ago.
Shane had bruised his face and most likely the back of his head. He had red angry nail marks along his face. He was wailing like he was in great pain. Which he probably was due to their grueling game followed by rough sex.
“Shane please stop…” He sobbed over his husband. His tear mixing with the ones pouring down Shane’s face.
“Off!” Shane wailed.
Ilya shook his head. If he let go Shane would start hurting himself again.
You’re hurting him.
Either way he is hurt. What he is doing now is not working. Let go. Let him get through it.
He was moving to let up slowly when banging came from the door.
“Rozy?”
“Go away!”
“Rozy you ok bro?”
Shane sobbed “Off!Off!Off!”
He kept repeating it. Ilya felt his heart sink.
“I’m sorry…so so sorry…”
Ilya kept his body weight on top of Shane.
Suddenly the door flew open with a bang that startled him.
“Ilya!” Troy moved into the room and pulled Ilya off his husband.
“No no no!” Ilya tried to move back but it was too late.
He and Troy watched in horror as Shane curled into the fetal position and began hitting his head with his palm. Every hit landed with a sickening thunk.
“What’s happening?” Troy asked not looking away from Shane.
“I-I” he couldn’t speak.
“What do we do…”
Ilya just moved over to Shane and watched him.
“I’m gonna go get coach.” Troy turned to leave
“No.” Ilya said firmly. Shane would hate if someone saw him like this. It would send him on a downward spiral as he tried to essentially outperform his meltdown by being ‘perfect’. His weird form of balance.
“Ilya he isn’t…we can’t.”
“He will be ok…I think.” Ilya trusts Shane more than he does himself. If Shane needed to go to the hospital his body would tell Ilya.
“Ilya I could hear him screaming from next door. That’s not okay!” Troy was terrified, terrified because Shane was falling apart in front of him.
“I know. I know. Is bad but Shane wants no hospital. No.” Ilya struggled to formulate his sentence as he watched Shane grip his hair and shudder out harsh breaths.
“No…” He repeated.
————-
Shane lost all sense of time and feeling. He was trapped inside a body that wasn’t working with him anymore.
He doesn’t remember what he was doing, just that he was trying to feel better.
He remembers the burning feeling of Ilya pressing him down. He remembers hating it so deeply that his body shook and his brain throbbed.
He needed the sensation to stop. He needed it all to stop.
He came back into himself like a cold plunge.
His eyes finally focused on Ilya who was staring at him from the chair he had pulled up to the bed.
When did he get on the bed?
He turned again see Troy watching him from the other side of the room.
Italian have realized he was looking at them and not through them.
“My love…you are back.” Ilya got impossibly closer to Shane as a grin crossed his face.
Shane didn’t have the energy for anything he was unbelievably tired. A deep tired like after he has sex with Ilya. No words, no thoughts, just silence.
He nodded as Ilya carefully placed a kiss on his forehead.
He heard the two other men in the room have a small conversation before Troy said his goodbyes and left.
Ilya sat in the bed next to him. Turning over to face Shane.
“That was bad.”
Nod.
“I was very scared Shane. You where…”
Stillness overtook them
“We will find out what that was.”
Ilya pulled Shane into his chest and breathed him in.
After twenty minutes Shane said one thing “Gross.”
He then pushed off Ilya to take a shower. Ilya let out a small chuckle as he moved to follow Shane.
They had a slow sensual shower while Shane continued to come back to him.
Ilya could already see the bruises forming. Evidence of the incident that left his husband clearly shaken.
“Not the first time. Don’t know why. Don’t know..” Shane said as he stood under the ring of hot water.
Now it was Ilyas turn to nod silently.
Whatever this was. Next time it happened, Ilya would be prepared.