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Sometimes Sam wondered what his life would have been like if he had never stopped Amelie that day, the final extinction continuing to end the human race. He was a repatriate, what sorry fate would he share?
The promise coiled around his soul, bound to the land of the living for the rest of time. His thoughts often spiralled turbulently, questioning if the final stranding would claim him too, or leave him completely and utterly alone. A single soldier waging against an eternal war that was impossible to win. Sam was accustomed to being on his own, he'd been isolated his whole life. From childhood to early adulthood, he had known nothing better.
Throughout his younger years, Sam was visited by his adoptive mother. She sang him empty praises that fell upon unwilling ears. He didn't care much for plasticity in the end. Occasionally he would have visitors, an elderly carer who had obviously grieved a family of her own, whispering sweet nothings as if he were her first born. Pretending that her words were for him and not a late son, he cried until he slept on the nights she visited. Sore tracks of salt drying tacky on cold skin.
He yearned for his old friends, he hadn’t had contact with Mälingen or Lockne since he left North America due to his departure and disconnection from the UCA. He missed Deadman the most, how he had passed over to his own beach. Sam owed him his soul for keeping the secret about Lou under wraps, hiding away confidential government secrets beneath their own noses at jeopardy of his own status and privilege. Guilt clawed out of his stomach and hitched in his throat, an unrelenting parasite gnawing through tendons and supple flesh. Immovable and unkillable. The shame wrenched unwilling tears from his eyes, never getting to bid farewell to one of his most valued allies. It would have been the least he could offer to someone who had selflessly risked everything for his benefit.
The nightmares plagued every conscious and unconscious thought, following him into the pits of sleep and unyielding when he wakes.
Greif dragged him through dreams into his nightmares, slow like molasses. Visiting every past regret too late to change like bare skin through thorns. Fear prickled and shot up his spine like lightning, overflowing. He sobbed.
Shooting up from the mattress. He scanned around frantically, nails scrambling to fist through fabric, anything to ground him. Sam heaved and gasped for breath, tears spilling from his tired eyes. It was his fault, all of it. He sucked in a laboured gasp, hands now grasping at his chest over his erratic heart.
He screwed his eyes shut, breath wavering as he tried to calm himself.
Sam felt the mattress beside him shift.
A short pause. Then ever so gently, Feather light and kind. The pad of a thumb wiped away the dampness from under his left eye, hiding the evidence of his nightmare from where it had gathered.
”Dooms nightmare?” Higgs’ whisper traveled over Sam’s skin like a warm breeze on a cold evening, comforting and mellow.
The mattress dipped once more, Sam opened his eyes. The room was almost pitch black, barely illuminated by the shelter's soft blue lights. He looked to the left and saw the faint outline of Higgs sat up next to him. Sam felt the man's other hand come up to do the same under his right eye. Hands resting on his cheeks, thumbs rubbing soothing circles over stubble and skin. Sam moved towards him and brought his own hand to rest over Higgs’ right, fingers interlacing and pressing his cheek into Higgs’ touch. Sam turned to ghost lips over the other man’s palm in a silent apology.
“Sammy” Higgs murmured, taking back one of his arms to lay back down on his side. Propping his head up on an open palm to look at Sam.
Sam glanced at him, grief and shame still hot under his skin, unable to stop the shake in his jaw. He slid down the mattress slightly to mirror Higgs’ position, shuffling closer and pulling the sheets up over to cover their waists.
“I’m sorry for waking you” Sam’s voice was hoarse, so faint it was almost inaudible.
”Sammy I waited for you.” Higgs’ voice was drained of its usual bravado, uncharacteristically weak and out of character. It was jarring.
”Fuckin’ thousands of years waiting for you to come. Wake me over and over again, seeing you is better than any of the shitty things I see when I close my eyes.” Higgs sighed, his free hand fiddling with the sheets.
Sam stared at him through the hued light, eyes sweeping over the shadows of his face. He opened his mouth to respond but the words died in his throat, completely breathless. He knew that their rapidly developing relationship was turning with a serious shift, but he’d never believe Higgs would feel so deeply. Once a violent man, full of wrath and hate for the world and the circumstances he found himself trapped in.
Despite Higgs’ prevalent characteristics, Sam had managed to reveal the deepest parts of Higgs that he was desperately trying to hide. Like a cornered animal he bared his fangs and lashed out. Driven by an animalistic fear, snapping when Sam cuts it too close, or he used to anyway.
Higgs wasn’t like that anymore. Fury and violence still bubbled up to the surface from time to time, during a moment of weakness, but he was calmer tenfold. Sam doesn’t know whether the cease of chiralium poisoning was enough to change his demeanour, or whether he was making the conscious effort himself. Regardless. Sam wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Higgs shuffled closer to Sam under the sheets, Sam’s silence was making him antsy. His lips drew into a frown, clearly apprehensive but waiting patiently nevertheless.
Tears threatened to fall from Sam’s eyes once more, gathering on his lashes before rolling languidly down his cheek. He felt pathetic for being so vulnerable, especially around someone who had once wielded so much power.
”Sammy” Higgs whispered, hand reaching out to brush Sam’s hair out of his face and coming to rest on the back of his neck. He was still met with silence, Higgs trailed his hand down Sam’s neck, over his shoulder and down his arm to rest on his bicep.
“Sammy, please” He tried again, this time reaching out to touch his face.
Sam pulled away from the touch and grimaced, shuffling so he was no longer propped up on his arm but rather turned around. Lying on his side with his back to Higgs. He sighed and pulled the sheets back up over his shoulders. The silence stretched for a short while, the hushed breathing of both men continued steadily. Sam heard Higgs shuffling around behind him before going silent once more, Sam closed his eyes and tried to will himself to forget. The seconds without sleep seemed to drag on and like a lingering curse, the distressing thoughts came crawling back.
Another tear fell to the pillow. Misery and guilt pooling in his gut.
Higgs’ strong arm slipped around Sam’s waist under the sheets and pulled him back. The whole line of his bare chest now pressed against Sam’s skin, smooth and warm like satin. Higgs buried his face in the crook of Sam’s neck, nose pressing into his hair and inhaling deeply with a sigh.
His hand splayed across Sam’s stomach, brushing over the raised scar there, gentle and protective before moving to blindly search for his hand under the covers. Interlocking their fingers once more, Sam’s thumb rubbed small circles into the skin there. Higgs pulled him in tighter, closer, refusing to let go.
Their relationship had progressed past innocent friendly touches, an accidental brush of hands, turns to hugs, turns to interlacing legs while watching tv. One night after a tough delivery, they shared a bottle of whisky, pouring finger after finger. Neither of them keep count. When deepset exhaustion kicked in, Higgs found himself following Sam into his bed instead of his cot, both of them too tired to care.
Ever since that night 6 months ago, Higgs has slept in with Sam. Sometimes Sam would wake up to their limbs all tangled together, Higgs leg haphazardly thrown across his or an arm resting over the others’. Or if they had fallen asleep on the couch, he’d find Higgs passed out, leaning against him with his head on his shoulder.
Oddly enough, domestic touches and physicality come naturally to their relationship which is exponentially confusing to Sam, considering how severe his aphenphosmphobia was in the past.
Sam briefly paused rubbing circles into Higgs’ hand, lost deeply in thought.
He knew that they both cared for each other very deeply, he wasn’t stupid. He was aware of the high tension between them, often catalysing awkward moments when one of them would be caught staring.
Sam had made his decision.
He let go of Higgs' hand and shuffled one more so he was facing him. They were a hair width away, noses almost touching. Higgs stared at him, an unsure expression pinched between his creased brows as he searched Sam’s face.
With a shaky inhale, Sam brought his hand to rest on Higgs’ cheek, closing his eyes and leaning in. He pressed his lips to his, very lightly as if he was scared Higgs would break like china.
Sam leaned back and fought for the courage to open his eyes. Higgs stared back at him with wide eyes. surprise evident in his features. Sam suddenly panicked, regret and fear screamed at him to bolt. He fucked up big this time, there wasnt a resolve.
Higgs' hand promptly slid up the back of Sam’s nape and into his hair, pulling gently as he closed his eyes and pressed his lips back to Sam’s mouth.
Relief crashed over Sam like a wave, closing his eyes once more to meet Higgs in the middle. Their mouths slotted together perfectly, breaths mingling in their shared space as they moved against one another.
Sam pulled back for air, Higgs was smiling at him now, lips upturned as his eyes crinkled at the corners. Sam smiled softly back, he hadn’t seen him this happy in so long
For the first time in a while. Sam felt like there was hope for a better future.