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“Brendon, we wanna be lesbians!”
Walter and Perry grinned in sync like two creepy marionettes. They cornered Brendon against the bleachers, stealing glances at one another and giggling.
“Lesbians?”
“Yes, me and Perry wanna get married but we want to wear pretty dresses and have a lesbian wedding and do each other’s makeup!”
“Ooh I wanna do your makeup, Walter!” Perry squealed. “Your eyes are so dazzling, and purple eye shadow would make them even more dazzling and—“
“No, your eyes are dazzling, and what if we cut out one of our eyes and gave them to each other! Then a part of me would always be with you and a part of you would always be with me-“
“Wait,” Brendon cut off their rambling, waving his hand. “You can do all that stuff without being lesbians. Not the eye stuff. I mean, not the lesbian wedding stuff either, I guess, but you can still wear dresses or whatever.”
“Brendon we don’t wanna just wear dresses, we wanna be lesbians!”
“Yes, yes, teach us how to be lesbians, Brendon, me and Walter wanna be beautiful girls!”
Brendon narrowed his eyes. “How am I supposed to teach you? Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not a lesbian, either.”
Walter giggled. “Yeah, but you used to be a girl, so that means you can help us!”
“What?” Brendon froze. He glanced over at the field; the rest of their team was still engaged in running around and ignoring McGuirk’s drunken bellows. “Who told you that?”
“Jason!” they both crowed.
“Jason? Hey!” Brendon spotted Jason across the soccer field. He caught Brendon’s eye and scurried away, attempting to disappear behind a tree. “Hey, I can still see you! Get over here!”
Walter and Perry closed in, beaming. “Brendon, tell us!” Walter exclaimed.
Perry clapped with excitement. “Yes, Brendon, tell us what it was like to be Brenda!”
“Okay, that was not my name-”
“Jason said you were in Girl Scouts and we wanna be Girl Scouts, don’t we, Walter?”
McGuirk’s ear-splitting whistle rang out across the soccer field. Kids jogged over to the bench, chattering. Fenton’s whiny voice rose above the rest as he bemoaned the heat for the billionth time that day.
“Brendon, we-”
“Shh!” Brendon threw his hand over Perry’s mouth. He peered over his shoulder to make sure nobody was hanging around. “Shut up, alright? We can talk about this later.”
“But-”
“You cannot tell anyone about what Jason said, okay? Or I won’t help you at all.”
“So you’re gonna teach us how to be girls? Oh, how lovely! Perry, kiss me!”
“Who’s gonna teach you about girls?” Fenton’s shadow fell over Walter and Perry. He crossed his arms, frowning at Brendon. “You’re supposed to hang out with me today, Bren-Bren, not them.”
Brendon swallowed. ‘Yeah. I told you yesterday that’s not gonna work. I have this thing-”
“Yeah, yeah, you have a movie to film. I don’t care. Let me act in it, Bren-Bren. But I want a different director. You never capture my good side.”
Brendon rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
“Ooh! Can we be in your movie, Brendon?” Walter piped in. “We could practice being lesbians!”
Brendon whipped around to face him. “I said, shut up–”
Fenton scoffed. “Nice try, guys. He’s giving me the starring role. Isn’t that right, best friend Bren-Bren?”
“I want my name to be Willow!” Walter beamed. “That’s a good name, right? Willow. I wanna be Willow.”
“Oh, that’s great!” Perry exclaimed. “I haven’t picked my name yet. Maybe Brendon will help me!”
“Shut up!” Brendon hissed.
Fenton grimaced. “Ewww, you can’t be Willow!”
“Why not?” Walter grinned.
“Because you’re Walter! You’re a boy!”
Perry grabbed Walter’s hand and shot Fenton a glare. “Not for much longer!”
Fenton widened his eyes. “What? You can’t just be a girl. You have to be born into it. Don’t you know anything?”
The two stuck out their tongues. “Shows how much you know, Fenton!” Perry jeered.
“Just wait until you see us as beautiful girls!” Walter chimed in. “Brendon, we wanna practice in your movie!”
Fenton curled his lip. “Come on, Bren-Bren, let’s ditch the freak show. I have a movie to star in.”
“Okay, I’m the director here, and none of you are starring in my movie, alright? Get lost. All of you.”
Fenton gave Brendon an indignant shove. “I’ll be at your house in ten minutes.”
As Walter and Perry stalked away, hand in hand, with their chins jutting sharply upwards, Brendon couldn’t stifle a hint of admiration. Fenton’s hostility had bounced off of them like they were high-profile actors ignoring a rude paparazzo.
But one asshole was nothing compared to the crass circus of paparazzi that would surface once Walter and Perry came out. Kids already taunted them for their uncomfortable PDA and unabashed, grating love for each other. But mostly, classmates and teammates excluded the odd couple. The two sat alone at lunch, spoonfeeding one another obnoxiously. They skipped around on the playground, holding hands and always smiling at some private joke, unbothered that they were the only ones uninvited to join kickball. They didn’t mind social alienation. All they needed was each other.
And there were gay people in the cultural zeitgeist, at least. His mom watched One Tree Hill, and he’d once walked into the living room to see two girls kissing onscreen. And the same Melissa Etheridge album had been jammed in their car’s CD player for ages, giving Brendon tons of time to stare out the window and listen to her sing about girls. He’d seen Melissa’s dad watching that Queer Eye For the Straight Guy show, too.
But people who switched genders? Brendon couldn’t remember seeing anything on TV about that. He’d seen the boys in his class dress up in girl clothes for Halloween as a “joke,” snickering and mocking each other the whole time. He’d seen bullies deface the yearbook by drawing lipstick and pigtails on boys they didn’t like. Hell, boys got pummeled in the schoolyard just for wearing pink. If Walter and Perry came out as girls, and if the entire school population found out he was just like them…he didn’t want to finish the thought.
He was going to kill Jason.
~
“Calm down, Brendon,” Jason unwrapped his seventh chocolate bar of the day, shoving it into his mouth. Behind him, Melissa rolled her eyes. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal? You outed me to the biggest loudmouths in school, okay? They’re gonna tell everyone.” Bendon rolled his eyes. “You can kiss your lead role goodbye. I’m calling Dwayne.”
“Hey, you can’t-”
“No, Brendon’s right.” Melissa shot Jason a glare. “That wasn’t a nice thing to do. How would you feel if we started telling everyone your secrets?”
“Well, first of all, Melissa, I don’t have secrets. Second-”
“What do you mean you don’t have secrets?”
Jason shrugged. “I don’t have secrets. I don’t know what you want me to say here.”
“Whatever,” Brendon snapped. “Why did you tell them?”
“Well, they wouldn’t leave me alone, and I thought I was being helpful-”
“You just wanted them gone, don’t pretend it was about being helpful.”
“Guys, this isn’t helping anything,” Melissa interjected. “Jason, stop being a sore loser. Brendon, why don’t you call Walter and Perry? They can take Jason’s role.”
“No. I’m not teaching them how to be lesbians, okay? I don’t know why they asked me and not Melissa. Clearly, I wasn’t good at being a girl.”
“You’re not good at being a guy, either,” Jason mumbled around a mouthful of chocolate, still pouting over his lost role.
“Shut up, Jason.”
“Maybe they asked you because you’re the only one who’s been both,” Melissa said. “You should help them.”
Brendon crossed his arms. “Maybe. I’ll think about it.”
~
The next morning, the three huddled around Brendon’s locker, discussing the latest hurdle in their filming process.
“Guys, listen. We all know what needs to happen,” Brendon said. “Someone needs to marry Fenton.”
“Don’t talk so loud.” Melissa glanced around the crowded hallway. “People will think we’re serious.”
“I am serious. Someone needs to marry Fenton in the movie otherwise I’ll have to rewrite the script.”
“Well, I’d love to help you, but I have a cold sore.” Melissa pointed to the red blister on her lip. “I can’t kiss anyone, and how are we supposed to have a wedding without a kiss?”
Brendon slammed his locker. “I think it should be Jason.”
“What? Why do I have to marry Fenton?” Jason protested.
“You know why,” Brendon retorted. “Consider it karma.”
“Well, I think you should marry Fenton, Brendon. You’re the one who saw his mom naked.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“It’s a sign, Brendon. You were meant for the role.”
“Listen,” Brendon scoffed, “I’m the director and I say you have to marry Fenton. Maybe I’d do it after like, a three-week hiatus from the guy, but he’s been in our last two films and he’s been a nightmare. I can’t pretend to love him.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “So you’re not a good enough actor? Is that what you’re saying?”
“You know damn well what I’m–”
“Brendon!”
Walter and Perry strolled through the halls, waving in unison. The usual hallway chatter died; kids spun their heads, staring at the couple.
“What are they wearing?” Jason muttered.
“Dresses, Jason. Obviously.”
“Hey, Brendon! You like your new look?” Perry asked. She wore a blue dress that looked like Cinderella’s ball gown. She pushed up the poofy sleeves, which insisted on falling down her arms, and she kept scratching the glittery bodice. Brendon winced in sympathy; party dresses like that were the itchiest things on the planet. He’d had to wear one for a wedding when he was younger, and those things always left rashes.
“Yes, Brendon, say you like it!” Walter piped in. The skirt of her pink dress pooled around her ankles, and she kept tripping over it. Her hair was tangled in haphazard braids.
“Yeah…you guys look great.” Brendon bit back his harsh feedback; normally, he wouldn’t hesitate, but he felt dozens of eyes burning into his neck. Didn’t anyone have anything better to do? “I’ll see you in class, alright?”
The bell rang, and everybody unfroze, hurrying to get to class. As Brendon passed Walter, he leaned in to whisper. “That’s not how you braid.”
Her face fell. “Perry couldn’t help me because she’s bald.”
“I’ll do your hair before practice.”
She lit up. “Oh, thank you, Brendon!”
“Don’t mention it. Please.”
~
“See, it depends on what vibe you’re going for. If you want it to look super nice, brush through it first. If you want a messier look, comb through with your fingers.”
“I want it nice! Like a princess!”
Brendon nodded, dropping sections of hair to pull the comb out from between his teeth. “So first you gotta separate your hair into three sections. Like this.” He demonstrated. Perry sat beside them on the bleachers, watching in awe.
“And then you cross the right and left over the middle section. But do not cross the middle one, okay? It gets more complicated with French braids and stuff, but I’ll get to that later.”
“This is so exciting!” Walter squealed. “Perry, I’m a beautiful princess!”
“Yes, yes, you are! I wanna be a beautiful princess next!” Perry cheered. Brendon noticed a notebook in her lap; was she really taking notes, like Brendon was the town expert on boys who knew how to be girls? A hint of pride twinged in his chest as he realized he definitely was.
“I don’t have hairspray, but you can use it if you don’t want any little hairs sticking out,” Brendon advised as he finished up Walter’s first braid. “You can do the second one, alright?”
Walter beamed. “Thanks, Brendon!” She turned to Perry. “Help me, Perry! Give me another braid!”
As the two giggled to one another, Brendon smiled. He remembered his mom giving him his first haircut, and how awesome it felt to see his hair match who he really was. He’d have to teach them about pigtails, bubble ponytails…Walter would probably enjoy space buns.
“Oh, Brendon!” Walter turned around while Perry worked on her hair. “I’m Willow! Call me Willow!”
“You have such a pretty name, Willow!” Perry gushed. “Like a beautiful tree in the summertime!”
“Okay, sure.” Brendon nodded. “Can I tell Jason and Melissa, or is it a secret?”
Willow tilted her head. “Why would it be a secret?”
She looked genuinely confused. Brendon opened his mouth, then shut it. How was he supposed to explain? Yeah, actually you risk total alienation and even your physical safety if you broadcast your new identity to the wrong people. Sorry to burst your bubble! His mom had basically given him that exact talk. Luckily, he’d been so young and had so few friends that his new name and look had generally slipped under the radar. Plus, he looked so different now that people must not have put two and two together. But Willow and Perry? Everyone knew them. They wouldn’t remain nearly as unscathed as Brendon had.
“Hey, Brendon!’
Brendon nearly jumped out of his skin. Whipping around, he exhaled with relief upon seeing McGuirk. “What?”
“I blew the whistle like, two minutes ago. You going deaf or something?”
“No, I don’t think so.” As he watched Willow and Perry chase each other out to the field, Willow’s fresh braids flying behind her, he felt a stab of panic. “How long were you lurking back there?”
“First of all, I wasn’t lurking. I don’t lurk, okay? That’s for weirdos. I observe, Brendon.”
“Okay…How long were you observing me?”
“Hey!” He blew his whistle, yelling out at the field. “Willow, block the damn goal! Stop playing with the flowers!”
Brendon took a seat beside him on the bench. “Oh. So you heard…”
“She needs to stop fooling around. I don’t care what her name is.” McGuirk took a swig from his beat-up flask. “You do a pretty wicked braid, Brendon.”
The sun beat down on them, and Brendon wiped his forehead. “Yeah, I suppose.”
“That’s good. Women like men who are in touch with their feminine side, you know? Why do you think I watch Buffy every week, huh? Or why do you think I bring out the pink beer cooler whenever a woman comes over? You’re playing the game, Brendon. Good for you.”
Brendon curled his fingers like claws around the metal bench. “Yeah.”
“So, I got a question for you. Say you want a pool, yeah? HEY! Block the shot, Jason! Don’t make me come out there!” McGuirk tossed his empty flask onto the grass. “Brendon, you’re a kid. You like pools. Would you get one that just sorta sits on the grass, or like, an in-ground situation? Because if it’s the latter, I need to find an excavator. Oh, and like, learn how to operate it.” He shrugged. “Can’t be that hard.”
“What? I don’t know.” Brendon swung his legs, swallowing the anxiety creeping up his throat. “What do you need a pool for?”
“Not me. I know the grill situation wasn’t ideal, alright? I wanna surprise your mom.”
“You’re getting us a pool? Don’t you need…money for that?”
“Hey, I have money. Okay? Don’t ask a man about his money situation, Brendon. It’s rude.”
Brendon leapt up from the bench, grinning. “Well, in that case, you should build one that’s in-ground and like…in the shape of something cool, like bear or a tiger or-”
“-A wolf. Because then when the sun rises, it’ll look like it’s howling directly at it.”
“At the sun?”
“Correct.”
“Done.”
Birds chirped somewhere above them. Soccer practice had turned into a free-for-all. Willow and Perry ran down the field, tripping over their dresses. Watching them, Brendon’s excitement melted. He glanced at McGuirk, a mix of guilt and terror roiling inside him. Were you really supposed to keep secrets from the guy who bought you grills and pools? The guy who appeared more and more in Brendon’s family photos lately, the guy who was just always there, not lurking, but observing.
Another question to consider: would Brendon’s telling him absolutely ruin all of that?
He didn’t want to think so. According to Brendon’s mom, McGuirk did a pretty heartfelt rendition of “Torn” at drunk karaoke. Despite his macho exterior, he didn’t seem the type to obsess over gender and stupid stuff like that.
But on the other hand, you never really knew; so many people seemed super chill on the surface but would have a damn near psychotic break if you wore a smidge of pink as a boy, or dared to have your hair shorter than “girl-length” as a girl. Brendon had uncles and cousins in that category. Even his dad, while supportive now, took a while to get on board with the “your daughter is now your son” thing.
“Hey, what’s your deal?” McGuirk’s voice snapped Brendon back to the present. “You’re awfully quiet for someone who’s getting a free pool. You’re welcome, by the way.”
“Yeah, sorry, I…” His eyes wandered to the field. Willow stopped in the middle of kicking the ball to fix her braid. Some of their teammates elbowed each other and threw mocking glances over their shoulders. But she passed the ball to Perry and kept running, giggling as if she hadn’t even noticed.
The judgmental teammates snickered. For a split second, Brendon made eye contact with all three of them, and he swore they gave him that same look. Like they knew. Like everyone knew.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” Brendon tore his gaze from his stupid teammates. He peered up at McGuirk, who sighed in response.
“Damn it, Brendon. I knew it.”
His heart jolted. “You did?”
“I knew you were on drugs. Listen, I got a buddy a few towns over who owes me a favor. He can take you to this place down-”
“No, damn it, I’m not on drugs!”
McGuirk shook his head. “Denial is the first stage, Brendon.”
“I’m not!”
“Oh, really?” McGuirk narrowed his eyes. “What is it? Meth? Heroin? Because if it’s heroin, you should be injecting instead of snorting it because it can really mess up your-”
“Damn it, Coach, I’m not a boy!”
His shriek bounced off the metal bleachers, drowning in the rambunctious chatter of his teammates. Brendon didn’t even have time to feel relieved; he was sweating profusely, his heart threatening to explode from his chest as he tersely awaited McGuirk’s reaction.
“Brendon, are you hallucinating?” McGuirk squinted, as if trying to size him up. “Whaddaya mean you’re ‘not a boy?’”
“I mean I was born a girl,” he whispered. “Okay? I’ve just been playing pretend for the last few years.”
The birds stopped their song. Unable to bear the silence growing between them, Brendon snuck a look at McGuirk. His coach just sat there, his face blank. Finally, he gave a low whistle. “Wow. Gotta say, I didn’t expect that.”
“So I did well, then?” Brendon forced himself to smirk. “I deserve a damn Oscar. Too bad they don’t give them out to confused little kids.”
“What?”
Brendon’s face flushed. “I just mean-”
“No. You’re not an actor.”
“Well, actually, I have quite the esteemed portfolio.” Brendon recovered a bit of his snark, even though his hands were still shaking.
“That’s not what I…” McGuirk waved his hand. “You’re not acting. Alright? That’s not what this is.”
Defensiveness prickled in Brendon’s chest. “Well, then, what is it? Since you’re the expert all of a sudden?”
“Brendon, whaddaya wanna do in your life? What’s like, the thing you do all the time?”
Brendon huffed. “What does making movies have to do with any of this?”
“You didn’t answer my question. What’s your thing? What’s your role?”
“Well, I write the scripts, I act, direct-”
McGuirk held up his hand. “Yeah. You direct. You’re not an actor, okay? You’re not playing a character. You’re calling the shots, right?”
“I mean-”
“You picked your name, I’m guessing. And your hair and clothes and all that. You’re following through on your creative vision, Brendon. That’s what directors do.”
Brendon blinked.
“You’re not pretending to be a boy. If you wanna be a boy, you’re a boy. You hear me?”
His coach’s words settled in his mind slowly. The sun’s harsh rays softened on his skin, and he found himself nodding.
“I’m not gonna tell anyone, alright? Believe it or not, I’m actually a great secret keeper. Even when I’m drunk.”
Brendon tensed, looking out at the soccer field. “I think everyone already knows.”
McGuirk followed his gaze. “Yeah, probably.”
“I’m just…” The last word died on his tongue. Scared.
McGuirk glanced at him. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but his face seemed to soften. “Listen, if anyone gives you a hard time, let me know and I’ll fix ‘em up.”
Brendon cracked a smile. “Coach, I don’t think you’re allowed to beat up students.”
He shrugged. “What are they gonna do? Fire me?”
“That’s exactly what they’re gonna do.”
“Well, I’ll deal with it if it happens,” he conceded gruffly. “I hate my job, anyway.”
“You know, I kinda thought you were gonna hate me for this.”
“What? Don’t be stupid, Brendon. I don’t just watch Buffy to pick up women, okay? I watch it because I like it. I bought a pink beer cooler because pink fucking rules.” Despite the roughness in his voice, he smiled.
An ocean of relief crashed over Brendon. He hadn’t considered that some people, the most important people, wouldn’t scoff at him like playground bullies or scathing uncles and cousins. He returned McGuirk’s smile.
~
“So that’s how you hem.” Brendon stepped away from Willow, gesturing to her dress that now barely skimmed the top of her feet. “Then you won’t trip all the time.”
Willow admired herself in the full-length mirror. She twirled until she collapsed in Perry’s arms, dissolving into a fit of giggles. “Perry, I can spin! I can spin and I won’t fall!”
“Willow, I wanna marry you in that dress!”
“Yes, let Brendon fix your dress and then we can get married!”
Perry’s smile disappeared. She looked down at her purple dress, pushing up the too-big sleeves with a flash of annoyance. She reminded Brendon of his mom whenever she needed to dress “fancy” for some stupid high-brow event.
“Hey, you know you don’t have to wear dresses, right?” Brendon set down his needle and thread.
Perry scrunched up her face. “How can I be a girl if I don’t wear a dress?”
“My mom doesn’t like to wear them. Neither does Melissa, and they’re both girls, right? Sometimes I like dresses, too, but I’m still a guy.”
Perry perked up. “Really? Then what should I wear?”
Brendon grinned, opening his mom’s closet. “Take your pick, and I’ll hem it.”
Willow raced inside. “Ooh, Perry, there’s some good stuff in here!”
“Oh, I have another question, Brendon!” Perry exclaimed.
“Yeah?”
“I need to change my name like Willow did but I don’t have any ideas, and, well, I really like being Perry, but-”
Willow stuck her head out of the closet. “You can still be Perry!” She looked at Brendon. “Right? She can still be Perry if she wants to?”
“Yeah, of course!”
Perry’s face lit up. “Oh, yay! Thanks, Brendon!” She ran into the closet, smiling when she reappeared with a handful of clothes. Brendon caught his gaze in the mirror and smirked. Who said he wasn’t good at being a girl when the time called for it?
~
“So, what? Nobody’s marrying Fenton?”
“Exactly.” Brendon nodded at Melissa. “Willow and Perry will marry each other, and Fenton can play Jason’s role.
“The wedding crasher?”
“Yeah. Jason, you’re behind the scenes today.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “Fine.”
“Trust me, you don’t want it,” Brendon chuckled. “I tweaked the script a little bit.”
“What?” Fenton’s shrill voice carried across the basement. “I don’t wanna share my scene with them, Bren-Bren! You can’t do this to me!”
“Too bad. Action!”
Willow and Perry stepped onscreen in their wedding costumes, grinning. Willow’s white glittery dress was the right length, and she’d finally figured out the art of the braid. Perry wore a pair of Brendon’s mom’s dress pants and a sharp black jacket from the Goodwill clearance rack, along with her signature bolo tie.
“Hey!” Fenton stormed in front of the camera. “I’m not doing this, alright? I told you-”
“Hey! He crashed our wedding!” Perry screeched. “Get him!”
She and Willow jumped on Fenton, attacking him. Willow ripped off her veil and threw it around Fenton’s neck.
Behind the camera, Brendon snickered.
“Um, do they know how to stage-fight?” Melissa whispered. “They’re hitting him pretty hard.”
“Give them a few more seconds.”
Willow and Perry leapt off Fenton and grinned, clasping each other’s hands. For a split second, they met Brendon’s eyes, and their smiles widened. Standing there, finally fully themselves, their confidence radiated like actresses with undeniable starpower.
Brendon let the camera linger on them for a few seconds before snapping his fingers. He couldn’t contain his smile as he shouted, “And, cut!”