Archive of Our Own

His teeth firmly gritted together, Mika toddled his way across the carefully polished wooden floor of the practice room Shu and him had booked to practice their next choreography. 

He had one goal in mind, one tether to guide him through the fog. His bag. He had to get to his bag, now. He had to make the most of this break, and of the feedback session they would have for the next twenty minutes before they rehearsed their performance again.

Only a few days were left. They were nowhere near ready. There were still a few steps Mika struggled to time perfectly with Shu's, just like Shu still had a few movements he wished to make more graceful. 

And they hadn’t even written their lines to welcome the audience that day. 

In short, they really had a lot on their plates. 

Which was precisely why when Mika couldn’t find the small pouch he was looking for in his bag, even after emptying his entire bag twice, he couldn't hold it in anymore.

At the first sniff, Shu snapped his head towards him, alarmed. “Kagehira?!”

“I’m sorry, Oshi-san–!” Mika exclaimed, trying furiously to wipe his incoming tears.

Shu leapt on his feet, entirely forgetting about stretching properly before taking a break, and skittered across the room. Kneeling down, he put one worried hand on Mika’s shoulder. “Are you alright?! Is your body acting up?”

Weakly, trying his best to hold back his tears through his violent dizziness, Mika nodded. 

“Okay. Okay. Have you taken your tablets?”

Mika pointed a trembling hand at his bag. “I think I forgot them in ma other bag. Ya know, the one I spilled hot chocolate over this mornin’...”

“Alright. Which one do you need?”

“Painkillers,” Mika pleaded. 

“Don’t move from here.”

Shu ran away, to his own bag, and contrary to Mika, he was quick to find what he was looking for. 

And when he got back to Mika’s side, with a cardboard box Mika knew by heart in hand, Mika’s tears were only unleashed.

“What are ya doin’ with ma meds?”

“I know you. This was bound to happen someday, this is nothing but a logical countermeasure to plan for.”

Choking on his tears, Mika pointed out: “But they’re prescription meds.”

“Do you truly think that a word with the Deputy Director couldn’t fix such a small issue?” Handing him a bottle of water, Shu nudged him: “Hurry up. There’s no reason to stay in pain for longer than you should.”

Mika nodded, all while knowing that there wasn’t even a guarantee that the meds would work. Sometimes, they just didn’t. 

Shitty health condition. 

Mika broke one of the pockets of the blister pack and promptly swallowed the freed tablet. And then, still dizzy, he stared at Shu without a word.

Not many words were going through his head, except ‘it hurts’ and ‘I want to lay down.’ For once, his head weren’t filled with thoughts such as ‘Oshi-san is so beautiful’, ‘If I do that, will Oshi-san be happy?’ or even ‘If I do well enough, he’ll praise me.’

No, the only thing on Mika’s mind was his own body. A painful rarity.

“Kagehira,” Shu whispered, and Mika was grateful to him for keeping the volume of his voice down. “Did you eat properly today? If you want, I’ve got a bottle of your favorite soda and biscuits in my bag.”

“Ngah, really…?”

“Yes. Do you feel like eating and drinking?”

Slowly to avoid thickening the fog clouding his mind, Mika shook his head. “‘M sorry, but not now.”

“Alright.” 

Unable to process what he was seeing, Mika watched Shu take off his tracksuit in silence.  apart of him wondered if Shu wouldn't be cold with only a thin tank top on, but he didn't have the energy to voice his doubts. He didn't have the energy to question why Shu was folding it and putting on the ground either. It was a curious move, coming from him, but his body’s screams were far too loud for Mika to be able to tease Shu about it. 

He couldn't protest when Shu gently took hold of his shoulders and guided him to that makeshift cushion either. 

“Kagehira,” Shu asked while brushing his sweaty bangs off his face. “Is it a big crisis?”

“I think so,” Mika mumbled, eyes looking for Shu’s. “Sorry.”

“Do not apologize for this, I've already told you so. I do not mind.” Shu paused, scoured the empty room and looked back at him. “Do you want to go home?”

“We ain’t over fer today.”

“If you need it, we are.”

“The Live is in four days.”

“To hell with the Live,” Shu seethed.

Mika flinched, surprised despite his state. “Oshi-san…?”

“Kagehira, forget about everything and focus only on yourself. Yes or no: do you want to rest in your bed?”

“... Can’t lie, it’d be great.”

“Alright. I’m booking a cab then, don't move from here. We’re going back to the Seisoukan.”

“‘Kay,” Mika mumbled.

Seeing Shu leave, Mika took a deep breath. Without him by his side, he didn’t have anything positive to focus on.

All he had was the pain radiating through his legs and arms, his pitiful reflection in the mirror, and the sound of his own heavy breath, struggling to stay steady.

He was all alone. Just like a broken doll, discarded because of how damaged it was–

Despite the agony splitting his mind, Mika did his best to repress those thoughts. Countless times, Shu had reasserted that he didn’t mind that his health had degraded. He didn’t mind that in his worst crisis, ‘disabled’ was a word that applied to Mika now.

Through the pain nailing him down, Mika snorted. Shu had even given him a whole speech comparing how disability was spoken about in France and Japan, before settling on his conclusion that this didn’t change anything. It didn't change anything for their relationship, nor for Mika’s place in Valkyrie.

And in short, Mika was a human, not a doll.

And broken people did not get callously thrown away, according to Shu. Because they weren’t objects, and neither was Mika.

Still, Shu’s return was the one thing he looked forward to. That, and his painkillers finally kicking in.

In a way, he cursed himself for having eaten. 

They always were effective faster when taken on an empty stomach. Said stomach was always upset afterwards, but the pain from a stomach burn was far more tolerable to him than this annoying, without cause pain that just was. 

⁂

His fists clenched, Shu ran down the stairs, cursing the world for what it was putting on his beloved partner.

The situation was what it was. He knew it. He was used to it.

He still hated how barely helpful he was. How was he even supposed to get Mika home without putting him through more pain?

First, he’d have to get Mika to an elevator. Then, have him bear with having to stand up for the dozen floors needed to reach the ground floor. Then, they’d have to take a cab. Then, walk all the way through the Seisoukan to Mika’s dorm room, when of course there were stairs to get into the building to begin with.

Shu took a deep breath. Mika needed him calm. Not boiling and shouting his frustration. 

Still, this was one of the few situations in which Shu deeply regretted his lack of strength and muscles.

Had he been like his childhood friend, would he have been able to carry Mika to his bed, without putting him through any additional pain?

Most likely. And right now, Shu dearly regretted not having planned that aspect of the matter. And because of that lack of planning, Mika would have to walk, and walk, and walk, when each step was, according to Mika himself, ‘just like walkin’ on knives.’

Wonderful.

As he was opening the door separating the practice rooms to the vestiary, to pick up their clothes, Shu nearly bumped into someone. Instead, that someone moved away in a few assured steps, and caught him when he was about to fall from the surprise.

“I’d recommend being more careful, Itsuki-sama.”

Shu’s eyes narrowed down.

Ah. Truly. What a wonderful day. He was in the middle of a crisis, and he had to stumble upon that damned butler from the worst unit to have ever graced the earth? 

Shu clicked his tongue and straightened up. He wiped his clothes instinctively, as if to cleanse them from filth and glared at Yuzuru.

“And I would recommend minding–”

Wait.

Shu’s mind came to an entire halt, throwing his need to blow up down the drain. 

Yuzuru. fine. Wataru.

“What’s on Wataru’s schedule today?”

Yuzuru’s brow furrowed, but perfectly playing his role as a butler, he replied placidly: “Hibiki-sama attended theater rehearsal this morning, and an interview with Eichi-sama this afternoon. Why?”

“Is he free, right now?”

“I’m not sure. The interview could be finished, and it could not be too.”

“Alright. Alright, thank you.”

Shu gave him a short nod as a goodbye and rushed into the vestiary. He picked up all of their times, pulled out his phone, and rushed back to the practice room, all while dialing Wataru’s number.

And by the gods, never before had Shu been so grateful for Wataru’s habit to try to satisfy everyone to perfection, because a single ring was all that was needed for him to pick up, and do his entire introduction monologue, as always.

Shu sure was relieved to hear it. 

“Wataru, I need your help.”

“My help…? Is it urgent?”

“Very. Kagehira is having a flare. Are you free to help me get him home?”

“Mh… where are you?”

“Practice rooms.”

Wataru laughed knowingly. “Alright, I get what you want. I can be there in fifteen– no, twelve minutes.” Shu heard him say something to Eichi, something about apologizing for leaving suddenly.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to oppose it.

“Alright, your Hibiki Wataru will be here in twelve minutes, Shu.”

“Thank you.”

⁂

Now sitting up, Mika was doing his best to stretch. The pain wasn’t fully gone, but it was a bit reduced now, enough for him to be able to perform some of the care his body needed after hours of exercise. 

Hearing the door open, and seeing Shu again brought a smile on his face. His first reflex was to get up, to unload Shu of all that he was carrying, but the pain soon tied him down again and forced a pained grumble out of his lips.

Mika cursed himself.

“Kagehira, are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.”

“How much?”

“... Not much.”

Shu hummed and sat down next to him. “You should take it easy tonight.”

Mika looked away and then reached out for Shu’s hand. Surely, Shu wouldn’t say no, right? Plenty of times, he had promised Mika that he would always say yes to such requests. “Can we still spend the evening together, like planned?”

Shu sighed, raised one hand to pet Mika’s head but stopped before reaching him. He put his hand back in his lap and smiled, “Of course.”

“Ya can touch me. It ain’t that bad today.”

Shu hummed, rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb and asked gently, “Can I give you your maintenance, then?”

“Yeah. Please. I don't have the energy right now.”

“How convenient. You’ve never had that energy.”

“Yeah, well, I got a real reason now.”

“Which I won’t deny. Alright. Do your best to untense. I’ll work on your muscles for a while. If it hurts too much, tell me.”

“It hurting doesn’t always mean it’s bad, ya know–”

“I know, but you also know what I mean.”

“I do,” he said, smiling. Gently, Shu rubbed the top of Mika’s hand with his fingers. “I promise, you'll soon be in bed.”

“Nah, that’s a lie an’ we both know it, Oshi-san.”

“Trust me,” Shu replied. He moved to Mika’s legs, ran his hand along them and frowned.

Mika, in the meantime, simply let himself be manipulated. He didn’t even have the energy to be thrilled about Shu performing maintenance on him. 

He was, however, greatly relieved to know that his partner had his back, as always. To be able to fully let his guard down in his presence was good.

If it was Shu, he didn't have to be an idol. He didn't have to pretend not to be in pain.

He could just be Mika. The pathetic man pretending that his life was fine, that his health was perfect, and whose entire job was to entertain crowds while looking unmovable. The picture of perfection.

Ever since his health had degraded, the split between his public persona and his private self had not ceased to deepen. The public persona was even encroaching into his intimate life. 

He couldn't help it, though. It often was simply easier to smile, both for himself and for other people. 

As long as he was focused on them, and not his painful body, then, he could ignore the low pain that inhabited his body most of the time.

It was fine, as long as he had something clear to do. 

It was fortunate that focus helped to forget the pain. Without that, he had no idea how he would perform on bad days. 

Still, it did mean that right now, as Shu was massaging and stretching each of his joints and muscles, Mika was openly writhing in pain under his trusted boyfriend. It was good pain though, in that it would prevent sore muscles tomorrow, on top of the usual pain and tiredness, but it remained torturous.

“I’ll be finished soon. I promise, when I get you home, I’ll run you a hot bath, I’ll prepare your favorite soup and I’ll make sure to maintain a proper turnover for your heating pads.”

“Oshi-san…” Mika let out, moved. “I– I love ya.” 

“I love you too, Kagehira. Which is why tonight, you shouldn’t refrain from voicing any of your needs or wishes. I’m here to assist you.”

“Even if ask fer candies?”

“... I believe that in your state, you can be allowed some caprices. I said some,” he glared, seeing a glint of excitement twinkling in Mika’s eyes. 

Mika chuckled, and would have teased Shu some more if he hadn’t been interrupted by Shu’s ringtone.

Stopping his maintenance, Shu hurried to pick up, which was something noticeably rare. 

“Hi, yes– Already?” Shu looked down at his watch. “You’ll never cease surprising me–” Shu paused and rolled his eyes before huffing, “Yes, yes, if you want. ‘You’ll never cease to amaze me, Wataru.’ Happy? Now, give me one moment…”

“Oshi-san…? What’s goin’ on?”

“I’m getting you home.” Shu hung up and left to open the window.

And then, Mika heard the very recognizable voice of one of Shu’s best friends, and saw him waltz in through the window, as if it were normal.

Well, he guessed that for him, it was normal.

Right away, Mika sat up and did his best to smile. “Good afternoon, Hibiki-senpai!” he waved. 

“Good afternoon to the two of you!” Wataru replied with a large smile and a theatrical bow. “Hold this for me, will you?” he said, pushing a thick rope into Shu’s hand. 

Shu… almost fell down, dragged by whatever was tied to the other side of the rope.

Hazy, Mika struggled to make sense of this scene.

And then, before he could react, he found himself heaved on Wataru’s back, while the magician’s silver hair was wrapping itself around his closest items to carry them. 

“Ngah?! Hibiki-senpai, what are ya–”

“I’ve come at the request of that dear friend of mine, let me help his princess, mh?”

“I ain't a princess,” Mika protested.

“You’re playing the same role. I haven’t known Valkyrie as the unit to be bothered by that type of statement.”

“Wataru, don’t torment him. When he’s under the weather, he cannot think too much. Teasing him is no different than having a laugh at the vulnerable – it doesn’t suit you.”

“I was merely fulfilling my role as a jester – and soon, I’ll hand that of the nurse back to you.”

Tired, Mika simply clung to Wataru and hid how sore his entire body was by firmly biting on his tongue. “W-wait,” he said when he saw that Wataru was walking towards the window. “What are ya doin’? Where are we goin’?”

“Well, someone has requested a balloon trip, and who am I to refuse?”

Confused, Mika looked back at Shu. For a long while, he struggled to make sense of those words, until the gears of his mind finally unjammed.

‘I’m getting you home,’ Shu had said. 

A balloon flight was his solution?! 

Blushing, Mika clutched at Wataru’s back. God, Shu truly was much too kind, and too exceptional, and generous, and–

And now, Mika had been slid off Wataru’s back and into the balloon basket. Shu stepped in last, leaving the window of the practice room wide open for the winter air to come in and wrapped his coat around Mika’s shoulders.

Once again, Shu quickly checked with him his condition. Huddled up in a corner of the basket, fully hidden from view, Mika grabbed Shu’s hand and nudged his head on his shoulder. “It’s alright. Mostly. I mean, it’s alright by my standards. It’s better.”.

“Good,” Shu said, kissing his head. “You’ll be home in a few minutes.”

“Ain’t ya cold without yer coat?”

“It’s fine. The journey won't be long.”

The journey was windy though, and Mika had no choice but to huddle up to Shu to find some warmth. 

Thankfully, the only pair of eyes watching was Wataru’s, and if there was someone unlikely to spread that type of scandal to the press, it was one of the five Eccentrics, so Mika could beg for Shu’s affection openly, for once. 

He didn’t let go of Shu once, not before Wataru forced him to to lift him and put him on his bed.

Mika was moved, of course. He was, however, also terribly embarrassed of having bothered Wataru’s day, and having made Shu’s come to a halt.

All because he was too weak. 

Well, Wataru put him in his bed and left with his balloon again, as if that was a normal occurrence for him.

Perhaps it was. Maybe Tenshouin had used him to such things.

“Take it easy,” Shu said, taking off Mika’s shoes and then his. “There will be a few minutes before your bath is ready. Do you need me to fetch you anything?”

“Ngah…” Mika thought long and hard. Would he try to work again today? 

He looked at Shu, and the infinite care he could read in his eyes.

Alright, no need for coffee. He would rest.

“Ngah, ‘s all good. A cup of hot chocolate during the bath would be nice though.”

Shu’s head perked up and visibly reassured, he smiled and stroked Mika’s knee. “You’re feeling up for a drink?f

“It’s hot chocolate…”

“Do you want some marshmallows with it? What about some whipped cream?”

Mika chuckled, “First time I hear ya offer that so cheerfully.”

“It’s only natural if it succeeds at enticing you into getting some nutrients in your body, even though it will mostly be too much sugar.”

“It can be ma dessert of the day, if ya want.”

“Only if you eat your bowl of soup tonight.”

Mika put one hand on Shu's. “I'll try.”

Shu kissed his forehead and stood up. “I’ll make it just as you like. Are you sure you don’t need anything right now?”

“Sure! I already took ma meds thanks t’ya, so there really ain’t much left I can do in the meantime.”

“Lie down if need be.”

Mika hummed and carefully did so, waiting for Shu to be back.

He grabbed a stuffed bat Ritsu had offered him recently, buried his fingers into its soft plush and closed his eyes. The pain was duller now. Still heavy, but at least, it wasn’t spiking anymore. By all standards, this was great news, and it gave Mika the hope that this evening wouldn’t go too badly.

From his bed, he heard cabinets be opened, and then the tap beginning to run. It quickly morphed from the sound of water hitting porcelain to water rushing into water, making him yearn for that warm bath.

Mika opened one eye, winced and sat up to retrieve his phone. He looked around, searching for his speaker, and connected the two devices together. A cheery series of musical notes resounded, making Shu peek his head through the bathroom door, “Kagehira?”

“What song do ya want?”

“A song?”

“Mh-mh. You’re stayin’ with me while I bathe, right? What song do ya want to put in the background?”

“What about Satie’s first Gymnopédie?”

“Er… How do ya spell that?”

Shu deadpanned and walked to him. “Just give me your phone.”

Mika let out an ashamed whine and plopped his phone into Shu’s hands. Before he could take any step towards the bathroom, Shu wrapped one arm around his waist. 

“Hold on. Your legs are painful, aren’t they? Put some of your weight on me.”

“I can walk ya know.”

“There’s a difference between your notion of ‘can’ and mine. Yes, you technically can if you use every last bit of your strength, but should you?”

“Ngah…” Mika sighed, sent one arm around Shu's shoulders and lent against him. “I don’t know if it’ll help much though.”

“At least we’ll have tried,” Shu replied, standing up and hoisting Mika up with him.

Mika hummed, did his best to shift his weight off his more painful leg and trudged to the bathroom, all while Shu did his best to assist him. 

Seeing the thick layer of foam bubbling at the surface, Mika smiled. Shu really was spoiling him, wasn’t he?

“I’ve picked the bubble bath solution the boy made the other day.”

“Thanks,” Mika said, glancing one last time at the seam of foam before sitting down on the rim of the bathtub.

“Do you need help to undress?” Shu asked, standing in front of him.

“Nah, don't worry. I can handle it.”

“Great,” Shu said. He put down Mika’s speaker on the sink, unlocked his phone, swiped a few times and typed in the name of the song he wanted to play, all while glancing frequently at Mika to confirm that he in fact didn't need help. 

It would have been faster if Shu had undressed him, both of them knew that.

Still, Mika didn’t like thrusting everything in Shu’s hands. He was human. He had fought to become human, and truly find his own sense of self piece by piece.

He had struggled so much to build them into a coherent whole. He wouldn't let this stupid condition get in the way, and rob him of his achievement. Relying on Shu was alright. Making him do everything, even what Mika could do just because it was easy would only be regression into what they had once been, and what they had sworn to leave behind. 

And most importantly, if there was one thing that Mika wanted to avoid before anything else, it was becoming a burden weighing Shu down, and which would eventually be resented and discarded.

No, he had to be better than that. Even if it was tiring, even if it was painful.

Once only his underwear was left, Shu turned pointedly away, until Mika had slipped into the water and his naked body was fully hidden by the thick bubbles around him. 

Relieved, Mika let out a pleased sigh and relaxed instantly in that perfect cradle of warmth espousing his tense body perfectly.

“Is the temperature good?” Shu asked, looking at him again.

Eyes closed, Mika missed how knitted Shu’s eyebrows were, worried that he was. “Oshi-san, it’s perfect. Really. Thank ya. It’s… it’s just so good.” 

Shu smiled, folded up his sleeves neatly, made sure that they would not unfold and brought a towel to his lap. Then, he reached out one hand to Mika’s face and stroked his cheek tenderly. “I’m happy to hear it.”

Mika blinked his eyes open and pressed his cheek into Shu’s hand. “I love ya. I love ya s’much.”

“I love you too, Kagehira.” 

Smiling, Mika gazed at him. Thanks to the heat soothing his body and making him feel something else than pain, he could finally focus on Shu’s fine traits, and on how his kindness was making his heart swell.

Hearing nothing more than the slow piano notes played by the speaker, Mika lost himself in Shu’s unwavering eyes. No matter the situation, no matter how despair tried to sink its claws in him, one look at those lavender eyes full of confidence was enough for his worries to be subdued. 

That was just how deeply he trusted his partner. 

“Oshi-san,” Mika whispered. 

Shu inched closer and leant above the bathtub. “Yes?” 

“Thank ya. It really means a lot.”

“Kagehira, give me your hand.”

Carefully, Mika regretfully pulled his arm out of the water. The cold air wasn’t pleasant. However, the gentleness in Shu’s hand when he clasped his hand and stroked his forearm made up for that, easily. Wouldn’t such a blessing make up for anything? 

And then, Shu kissed his hand. Once, and then twice.

Alright, that compensated for the warmth of the water – it was far better even. 

“You’re welcome, mon amour. I do wonder though… For how long have you been in pain?”

“I ain’t quite sure. Maybe one hour into our trainin’. Or one hour an’ a half.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was really faint at first. I thought… I thought I could put up with it. It was the usual.”

“Did I push you too hard?”

Mika shook his head. “Nah. We did nothin’ more than what we usually do–”

“That’s false and you know it. I’m sorry, Kagehira. I should have taken you into account better. I shouldn't have focused that much on our Live. I’m genuinely, genuinely sorry.”

“Oshi-san, it ain’t yer fault. Ya know it just happens. Even the docs don’t know why it hurts. It just does.”

“It happens more frequently when you’re too active.”

“An’ when I rest too much too. I mean it. Ya know there are days with, and days without. It ain’t yer fault.”

“Still–”

“Oshi-san, no.”

Shu looked down, so, worried, Mika straightened up. He picked up the towel in Shu’s lap, dried his hands and then put his hands on Shu’s cheeks. “Darlin’?”

Shu hummed, distant.

“Ain’t yer fault.”

“Do you swear it? I didn't trigger your flare?”

“No. Maybe we were a bit careless, yeah. Doesn’t mean it’s yer fault. The Live ‘s in four days. I wanted t’make progress today too.” 

“I know, but…” Shu's eyes swept across the floor. “As your partner and leader, I should take more precautions with you. I know you’re frailer now than you used to be. I know you need rest. And yet, I’ve–”

“Hey, who forgot his meds at home t’begin with?”

“... You.”

“An’ who had some fer me?”

“I did.”

“See? I know ya care. Frankly, had I more strength back then, I would have kissed ya t’death just fer havin’ those tablets in yer bags. You’re ma saviour, Oshi-san.”

“Tonight I want you to ask everything you might need from me.”

Mika chuckled, “Well… I remember ya promisin’ me somethin’. A wonderful drink t’have with ma bath…”

Shu sprang on his feet. “Allow me one minute and you’ll have it.”

“Take yer time!”

Shu huffed, “I won't take any more time than needed. Be careful with the water. And…” he picked up Mika’s phone and put it in the metal shelf stuck to the wall, holding many, many bottles of shampoo, body soap, and conditioner. “Give me a call if you need help, or if you want something else.” 

Mika hummed, smiled when Shu petted his head one last time and then took a deep breath. Eyes closed, he dived under the scorching water and let himself untense fully. 

He was, in essence, trading two types of pain. However, he far preferred the feeling of being scalded than that dull, unending pain that had elected his body as a nice place to reside in. 

Being scalded would soon cease. It would also unknot each of his painful muscles and nerves, offering him a hope for a good evening after all. 

His lungs ready to burst, Mika surfaced again, before diving again.

Baths really were good. For once, he didn't feel the weight of his useless body anymore. 

Eventually, Mika stopped going wholly under water. A long time had gone by. Shu should be back soon, and Mika knew full well that Shu’s anxious heart would immediately panic if he came back and saw Mika under water. His immediate conclusion would be that Mika had drowned, not that he was simply enjoying being fully submerged in that divinely hot bath which smelled so great. 

Eyes closed, Mika let his head loll back on the porcelain rim and smiled, relieved. He did feel a whole lot better. Even when he tried to flex his muscles, the pain was largely gone. 

A good mix of meds and heat truly was a miracle, as always. 

He had to will himself awake though. No matter what, that heavy weight behind his eyes remained, pulling him into slumber. 

Mila blinked and straightened up. God, he couldn’t fall asleep in the bath. That was asking to drown. Reaching for his phone, he opened his conversation with Shu and quickly typed in:

“When will you be back? I’m fine, don’t worry. Just missing you a whole lot.”

A few seconds went by before Mika’s phone rang. Naturally, he picked up the call, not regretful to have definitely worried Shu.

“Kagehira? Are you alright?”

“Yeah! No worries. I told you. I’m just missin’ ya.”

“I’m still preparing your cup.”

“Ah…”

“I struggled to find the chocolate.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Someone had pushed it to the very back of the cabinet.”

“Oshi-san?”

“Kagehira?”

Mika smiled, moved its phone so the microphone was just in front of his mouth and whispered, “I love ya~”

Incoherent noises came from Shu, the exact same he always did when he was flustered and losing control of his nerves because of his tender heart.

“Kagehira!” he protested. “I’m not– I’m in public.”

“In public?”

“Yes. Shino and Tenshouin are having a cup of tea at the table.”

“Ah! ‘M sorry.”

A knock came at the door, making Mika frown, “Ya don’t need to knock t’come in?”

*What are you talking about? I’m not–”

“Mikarin?” Ritsu’s voice asked as he was stepping in. 

“I’m in the bath!” Mika replied before turning back to his phone. “Ritsu-kun has just gotten back to the room, I’ll leave ya fer now!”

“Alright, good to hear.”

As Mika was hanging up, Ritsu entered the bathroom. He was still wearing the Knights training tracksuit, and seeing how sticky his hair was, Mika deduced what he was doing here easily.

“Ngah… ‘m sorry fer takin’ the bath… I’m such a bad roommate…”

Ritsu chuckled and sat on the stool Shu had left by the tub. “Not at all. I can’t dream of a better roommate than you.”

Mika raised an eyebrow, “What about Ikkun?”

“Obviously, Ma-kun wouldn’t be my roommate.” 

Laughing in turn, Mika sunk back into the warm water. “Still, ya wanted a shower, didn’t ya? Ya look like ya came back from a run.”

“I do. Which is why… I’ll just go and borrow your Oshi-san’s and Ma-kun’s shower, since you two are going to monopolize our room.”

“Ngah?!” 

“I’m not bothered, don’t worry!” Mischievously, Ritsu leaned in. “I’m ousting myself out of our room just for you tonight. Enjoy it.”

Mika huffed, and regretted it immediately. His dizziness came back ten folds. “Ngah… it just pleases ya t’take Oshi-san’s room…”

“Of course, since Secchan and Kurocchi aren’t there tonight,” Ritsu grinned. 

Huffing, Mika splashed him with some water. “I dunno if I should thank ya or scold ya.”

“Well, well~ I think I ought to be thanked, personally. After all, I could decide to invite Ma-kun to our dorm instead.”

“... Right.”

Ritsu laughed. “How are you feeling, though?”

“Well, today’s a bad day. ‘M glad it ain’t one fer ya.”

“How funny that the man who was assigned to my dorm also became chronically ill.”

“Ngah…” Mika sighed and sunk deeper in the tub. “I ain’t unhappy ‘bout it. At least our dorm ‘s on the first floor, thanks t’ya. … Though I still curse the one who decided t’put stupid stairs t’get in the buildin’.”

“Don't get me started about it. Seriously. Just how accessible is their building if you need to take stairs to come in?” Ritsu grumbled and crossed his arms. “Though I can concede that idols are the least people you would imagine would need such features… But I do wish Ecchan had taken into account that he wasn’t the only one who might need the buildings to be accommodating, one day…”

“At least the lift always gets fixed fast.”

“Fortunately! Though I suppose that Watarun would fly him in with his balloon if the lift broke.”

Mika chuckled. “Yeah, speakin' ‘bout that… he actually gave me a ride from the practice rooms t’the dorm today.”

“What? Really?” Ritsu whistled, impressed.

“Yeah. Oshi-san asked him.”

“What a perfect boyfriend you got.”

Mika giggled cheerfully and egged him on: “Don’t I? Really, Oshi-san ‘s far too kind.”

A clean rasp came at the door, before Shu announced his return. Instantly, despite the pain still radiating through him, Mika lit up. He couldn't help it. At this point, it might as well be second nature to him.

As he stepped in the bathroom, Shu handed a large cup of hot chocolate to Mika, who was already salivating from the mere sight of the elegant crown of whipped cream, cocoa powder and marshmallow on top of his hot chocolate. Gosh, and even the pink straw was darn cute. 

“Oshi-san, you’re spoilin’ me!” Mika gasped. 

Shu shrugged, “I promised, I delivered. Thank you for watching over him, Sakuma.”

Ritsu smiled, stood up and dusted his trousers. “Anything for Mikarin! I don’t mind shortening my tea time with the members of Flavor for him.”

“Ngah?!” Mika jumped up, panicked, “Wait– wait–”

“I meant it, Mikarin,” Ritsu emphasized, eyes locked together. “The two of us got to stick together, after all. You have done the same for me. I’m quite sure you’ll do it again too, moving forward.”

“Yes, but–”

“No ‘but’s. Now, I’m going to enjoy my wonderful night with Maa-kun, sponsorized by your unfortunate crisis,” he said with a teasing wave. “Rest well~”

Mika hummed, the joke nurturing some warmth in his heart. In many ways, he was thankful for his friendship with Ritsu. Having someone who understood, who dared make jokes about it and even curse his illness openly… It did make this a lot easier.

And it was something that Shu wouldn't ever do, Mika knew that well. Ritsu did, though, and that was always of great comfort to him. It made him feel a bit more normal. Ritsu just knew what were the limits when it came to jokes and topics on that subject, so he dared to waltz around them, throwing barbs and teases. 

Shu was too scared and careful with Mika’s mental state to even dare land a foot in that territory. 

It wasn’t bad. Mika didn’t think he could handle a single joke coming from Shu on that topic. It’d be too personal. Too reminiscent of their past flaws, even though the situation had changed for now.

It did mean that his friendship with Ritsu was something he cherished deeply, though. 

Wrapping his lips around the pink metal straw plunged in his hot chocolate, Mika took a long sip, eyes closed, and let out a sigh of contentment. Despite how heavy and weak his limbs were, despite the fog, he couldn’t help but smile, a tiny bit. 

“How do you feel, Kagehira?”

Mika looked back at his boyfriend, ever the worrier, and grinned, “Better, thanks t’ya. I’m still weak, but rest should do the trick.”

Shu smiled in turn. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“Say, Oshi-san,” Mika asked, his head resting on the bathtub. He moved his hand in the water, creating a wave that he hoped to be enticing. “Dontcha want to come in the bath with me?”

Shu’s cheeks flushed and he sprang up on his feet. “Non! What type of question even is that, Kagehira?!”

“But ya didn’t have a shower yet, did ya?”

Shu looked away and scratched his arm, as if it had become suddenly itchy. “I can do that later. For now, I’m taking care of you.”

“Ya get all itchy when sweat dries on yer skin. I think ya should get cleaned now.”

“I– Kagehira– that’s–” Shu shook his head and snapped, “How dare you even offer that, when we–”

“I wouldn't see anythin’, ya know. The foam ya made ‘s really thick.”

“I know–” Shu replied, strangled. 

Mika chuckled and reached out to Shu’s hand, without touching it. “Alright. ‘M sorry, darlin’. ‘S alright if it’s too soon fer ya yet. I just thought I should offer, ‘cause the bath ‘s really, really nice, an’ I know ya hate bein’ all dirty.”

Shu looked down, dabbed Mika’s hand dry and then, entwined their hands together. “I’ll get cleaned once you’re finished, don’t worry.”

“M’kay.”

Rubbing his hand with his thumbs, in such a practiced way that it began to feel like a hand massage, Shu added: “We can still share a bed tonight if you want.”

“Nhehe~ Great! Do I get t’cuddle up t’ya?”

“Seeing that we’re alone, I don't see any harm in that.”

Mika nodded, took a new sip or hot chocolate and settled fully under the hot water again. 

Lying in the bathtub like that, with nothing but a calming song and the soothing warmth of Shu's voice, a drink as sugary as one might have asked by his side, Mika felt in a haven.

He was, in many ways. If there was one thing he knew about his partner, it was how caring he was. How he would bend over and over so that Mika wouldn’t come to suffer if it had any chance to help.

Being spoiled that much was restricted to the days he had a bad flare, Mika knew that well.

It almost made those days not that bad. Having a partner to rely on, one who would accept all the weight of his burden if asked made everything far easier. Mika wouldn't give Shu the entire weight of his plight, though, of course not. But it was reassuring to know that if he needed help, his partner would never scoff at him. Rather, he would embrace him right away, and provide for his every need. 

Mika only hoped that it wasn’t too tiring. His head did know that Shu didn’t see him as a burden.

That fear still couldn't be quelled by reason alone.

⁂

Head on Shu’s chest, Mika was clinging to him happily, his body safely burrowed in several pillows… and most importantly, covered by a heating blanket. Despite the dull pain that remained in spite of Shu’s hard work, Mika felt in paradise. It was warm. Comfortable. Shu was there, giving him affection from time to time when he was deep in thoughts about the intro speech they would give to their audience for their next Live. 

Four days left. Mika’s heart sunk into a river of bitterness. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips, making Shu’s arm around him bring him closer. 

“What’s on your mind, Kagehira?” Shu whispered, looking away from the notebook set against his raised thigh to look at the frail man in pajamas nestled in his arms. 

“I was just thinkin’ again ‘bout what that physician told me the other day.”

“She’s not your primary care physician. Ignore her. You saw her for indigestion. Not your condition.”

“What if she’s right, though?” Mika mumbled. “What if it’s all in ma head?”

“Kagehira,” Shu said, terse. His eyes narrowed down in anger, though it was far from being targeted at Mika himself. “You know how scarce scientific knowledge about your condition is. You know that many physicians don’t even acknowledge it as a real diagnosis. Once again, she saw you for indigestion. You didn't give her your medical history. That braindead woman had no business scoffing at you or saying that you should just go see a psychiatrist. Had I been there, I would have chewed her out.”

“Shu-kun,” Mademoiselle interrupted from the nightstand. Her face, gently shined on by the candlelight, seemed to bring Shu to calm right away. “You are not helping Mika-chan feel better.”

Stunned, Shu blinked and then bit his lips. Remorseful, he rubbed Mika’s back. “... Am I? Kagehira, I’m sorry. I didn't want to go too far.”

“I don't think ya were goin’ too far. ‘m just… I don’t know. It could be true. Maybe the pain’s all triggered by my head. Ya know all the scanners and exams returned negative. There’s nothin’.”

“There’s nothing on the scanners. It doesn’t mean that nothing is there.” Shu paused, buried one hand into Mika’s birdnest and said, “You do remember that exhibition about the history of photography we went to last summer, right?”

“Of course. ‘was real fun.”

“Good. In that case… perhaps there is something wrong physically in your body, Kagehira. Maybe our technology simply isn’t able to pick up on it yet, that’s all. Like old photographic processes couldn’t render colour. Maybe it’s just a matter of technology. However, for now, you’ve been diagnosed by experts. That one dimwit said something of the sort doesn’t invalidate their knowledge. And even if your head was creating that suffering out of your buried emotions, like she implied… I don't believe that means you’re not entitled to your painkillers and physical treatment.”

Moved, Mika sniffed and buried his face into Shu’s neck. Shu set aside his notebook and pen and the next second, both his arms were wrapped around Mika, pulling him closer and making him melt. Mika only became more overwhelmed when Shu leant in and whispered right by his ear: “My love, please, ignore her. Even physicians can say stupid things. Their title means nothing if they don’t keep their medical knowledge up to date. We made sure that the best experts of the country examined you when we were desperately trying to get you a diagnosis. Place your trust in them. Not her, alright?”

“I love ya,” Mika sniffed. Immediately, he felt a soft pressure on the top of his head, followed by the sound of a kiss and tender strokes on his back and waist. 

“I love you too.” 

Mika smiled, a bit more relaxed, until Shu asked: “Anything else tormenting you?”

“... Ngah. Ya know me too well.”

“Well,” Shu said, a teasing edge to his voice. He ran one hand along Mika’s side and sneaked it in between their torso, until it found a resting place on top of his heart. “When I hold you close, I can feel your heartbeat. How frantic it is right now makes me well aware that you’re not at peace, right now.”

Mika sighed and put one hand on top of Shu’s closed notebook. “I just hate this. You’re having to do double the work because I can’t help! The Live’s in four days, an’ we’re far, far from finished, an’ I’m keepin’ ya here with me, instead of practicin’ or sewin’, and so, yer art will–”

“First, our art, Kagehira.” Shu paused, and for a while, his eyes became uncertain. Then, he buried one hand in Mika’s hair and began drawing circles on his scalp. “Secondly, between our art and you, which matters the most to me according to you, fool?”

“W-well…” Mika let out, crunching the blanket he had gathered in his hand.

“This should be an instantaneous answer.”

“But art is important t’ya…”

“Not more important than you. As I said, it’s our art. Not mine. If you can't perform, then, I don’t perform either. The Live can always be post-poned.”

“That would be a lotta trouble…”

Shu took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. “I can’t deny that. However, no matter how the agency might hound us, no matter how loudly our fans might complain… It’s less trouble than the utter shame of putting you through… through something similar to Nito.” Shu breathed in again, squeezed Mika and whispered: “Your body is failing you. I will adapt Valkyrie to it. I will not reproduce my past mistakes.”

“It’d be different–”

“It wouldn’t. Art isn’t meant to be obtained through that kind of suffering. In any case, I’m Valkyrie’s leader. If I decide that you are barred from practice today, you are barred from practice today. Any issue the higher-ups might have towards that decision is an issue they have with me. Not you.”

Butterflies gnawing at his stomach, Mika whined: “I don’t want to disappoint our fans, though. They really might get frustrated if we cancel a Live when many have booked hotels, plane or train tickets and everythin’...”

“We’ll make them forget all about their disappointment by presenting them with blissful art once you’re back on your feet. In any case, the hurt they might feel for a postponed Live is inferior to that if we were to disband or retire because we handled your health poorly, don’t you think so?”

“... Right.” 

“So focus on you, Kagehira. And only listen to those whose opinion and expertise really matter.”

“Darlin’?” Mika called out, his fingers ghosting over Shu’s waist.

“Mh?”

“Ya really are the perfect boyfriend.”

Shu huffed and kissed the top of his head. “I'm trying to be.” 

“So…” Mika hesitated. “As a perfect boyfriend… ya wouldn’t mind listenin’ t’ma stupid thoughts, right?”

“Of course not.”

“Then…” Mika took a deep breath. “Do we have any tissues? I think I’m goin’ t’cry.” 

Shu hummed gently, kissed his forehead and left the bed. “I’ll fetch a new pack. Don’t move.” 

Left to nestle alone in the bed, Mika watched Shu move around, gathering a few packs of tissues and… of sweets. He even picked up a few stuffed animals as he walked around.

Mika smiled. When he was worried, Shu really was too cute. 

Wasn’t he blessed, to be able to see both the proud self Shu displayed on stage, his persona of the iron-willed artist clad in exquisite artworks, always moved by inspiration, but also the private man, walking around in a frilly pink nightgown, with reading glasses on the nose and fluffy slippers on his feet, and the arms full of colourful plush toys?

Mika’s heart swelled in his chest. As soon as Shu lay on the mattress again, and set his load of supplies between them, Mika climbed over them to rush into his arms, forgetting all about his heating pads. They had cooled down too much to still be effective anyway.

So instead, he laid on top of Shu, crushing him again the mattress and singing how badly he loved him in the crook of his neck. Shu smiled, endeared despite how uncomfortable this position was, and embraced Mika fully. 

“Are you pushing my hard work aside, now?”

“I will be usin’ it soon. Ya just make the best teddy bear ever, I can't help snugglin’ up t’ya.”

“Kagehira, I’m not a stuffed animal.”

Mika hummed, kissed his chin and burrowed back in his arms. “Of course. You’re ‘Oshi-san’. That’s much more important.”

Shu rolled his eyes and sighed.

“So,” Shu tried softly. “What did you want to talk about?”

Mika looked down. Suddenly brought back to earth, he shifted to cling harder to his beloved boyfriend. In the process though, he hissed, as his legs complained about the sudden move and twisted posture. “I just… I just hate ma stupid body, ya know.”

Shu hummed and rubbed his back. “Were I in your shoes, I would probably hate mine too. Still… I don't think your body deserves hate, Kagehira.”

“I know that. On some levels. I still hate it.”

“Which I’m not saying is unjustified. However… I think what your body needs is care, Kagehira. Not loathing. Furthermore…” Shu raised one hand to Mika’s cheek. Looking at Mika fondly, he smiled. “My love, no matter how painful, no matter how broken, your body is what makes it possible for our souls to exist together. Personally, I will always cherish it, and make sure its needs are fulfilled. As an idol, it also is your main artistic medium. I’ll always cherish the performances and art pieces it made possible. Even should it fail you completely one day. No matter what, that body is yours and as such, it’s precious to me.”

Mika sniffed, reached for the tissue box and blew his nose several times. As a river began to stream down his cheeks, Mika scrambled for the box and tried to dry his tears, but they were relentless.  

“I love ya?”

Shu smiled, kissed his forehead and stroked Mika’s back in long, tender lines drawn on top of his spine and shoulderblades. “You know, you always say that so often, but when you have a flare, I think you say it about every two minutes.”

“I can’t help it,” Mika sniffed. “When ya take care of me all gently like that, I’m just reminded of how lucky I am.”

Raining kisses on his head and shoulders, Shu eventually replied, blushing: “I also think of myself as lucky to have you by my side, you know.”

“... I know. But it’s hard to believe those days.”

Shu shifted and hooked his legs in between Mika’s. Gently, he squeezed him and lowered his voice. “I still mean what I once said to you, though. I owe my existence to you. You saved me when no one else would have. You’ve reached out, time and time again, and gave me everything you had. I am lucky to have had you, Kagehira. I’m lucky to be able to bask in your warmth everyday.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank you.”

Mika hummed, closed his eyes and relaxed into Shu’s tender touch. He breathed in, and then out, slowly, and doing his best to ignore the dull pain anchored firmly in his legs and arms.

“Still… you know, sometimes, I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t be even good at bein’ yer puppet anymore. I’m beneath that now. Good fer nothin’.”

Carefully, Shu squeezed his hand. “Do you genuinely believe that?”

“Sometimes… yes.”

“You do know that I do not see you so poorly, right? That it doesn’t reflect the skills and creativity you’ve acquired ever since? That you have grown into an accomplished human that has far surpassed the doll you once were?”

“I do. But sometimes… I just can’t help but see that even if we wanted to, I couldn't do somethin' as simple as bein’ yer obedient, perfectly tuned doll now.”

Carefully as to not hurt him, Shu brought Mika wholly against him. “Kagehira,” he whispered. “Even if you could, I wouldn’t ever want that. Look,” Shu said, twinning their hands together. Blushing, he whispered, his breath tense: “I fell in love with your human self. Not my doll. It was when your humanity opened my eyes that you carved yourself a place into my heart. So please,” he said, stroking Mika’s side with his fingertips, “Don’t deny what made me fall for you to begin with.” 

“I ain't denyin’ it! But I know I’m hurtin’ Valkyrie an’ all we built, an’– an’–” Mika sniffed, shook his head and fell silent.

“Kagehira? What were you about to say?”

“Nothing.”

“Kagehira, please.”

Sniffing once again and desperate, Mika clutched at Shu’s night robe. “I– I– Oshi-san–”

Shu shushed, letting the words and feelings haunting him reverberate through his entire skull.

He couldn't say that. Not to Shu. That wasn't a conversation he should have with him, of all people, not when Mika knew there was no legitimate reason to foster that fear. 

“I wasn’t ‘bout t’say anythin’ important.”

“I won’t pry the words out of your mouth, but you’re not credible.”

Letting out a pitiful hum, Mika closed his eyes. If there was one thing he shouldn't ever ask Shu to infirm, it was this. He knew it well. It’d be no different from grabbing the knife still stuck in his back and twisting it, all to refute something which Mika already knew was mistaken.

It was no use to ask, then. At least not in those terms. There was no need to mention how scared he was that Shu would suddenly turn on him, and grow frustrated with his failing body like he had once done with Nazuna. 

Times had changed. Shu wouldn’t act that way. He had changed. Just like Mika himself had changed. 

Shu’s arms shifted, cradling Mika to his chest. He took a deep breath which pushed Mika up and made him suddenly realize just how quick Shu’s heartbeat had become.

“Kagehira?” he paused, hesitant, and breathed out. “You– You–”

Alarmed, Mika propped himself up, out of Shu’s arms so he could look at his face. At his eyes. He couldn't hold back a wince as his legs protested against the sudden motion, but he did his best to ignore the pangs of pain. His own pain didn’t matter, not when Shu was on the verge of tears.

“I love you, you know that, don’t you? You said– You said that you were afraid of hurting Valkyrie, were you alluding to–”

“No! No, I wasn’t.”

Their eyes met. Tears escaped Shu’s eyes and he tugged on Mika abruptly – too abruptly considering the situation, but Mika didn't hold that against him. It was of no importance, even though he still let out a displeased grunt. 

“Liar. It is about that. Kagehira,” Shu sniffed while hugging him tight. “I swear, I wouldn't–”

“I know! Oshi-san, I know. Which is why I lied, because I know ma thoughts are all wrong!”

Shu shook his head. “I’m the reason you have those thoughts to begin with!”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t mean I believe ‘em! I trust ya more than ma own dumb head!”

After several deep breaths, Shu hummed and wiped his face with his forearm. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I know I was a poor leader. I hurt you and Nito so badly. But… But Kagehira, I want you to know one thing: if things become too hard for you, if you ever wish to stop being an idol, I will not oppose it.”

“But without me, Valkyrie wouldn't exist anymore. You– I don't want to break yer career–”

“Break my career!” Shu took a deep breath and repeated, more calmly: “Break my career, if you need it. I don't care. Valkyrie is my pride and joy but it means nothing if it becomes your personal hell. If your body cannot support a life as idols anymore, then, we’ll find something else. And–” Increasingly frantic, Shu added: “And also, even if you couldn't work anymore, I can work for the two of us. And I’m quite sure that I could leverage my inheritance to give you a wonderful life free of work as long as we're careful with our money. So no matter what, we’ll be fine.”

Tears streaming down his face in ugly sobs, Mika latched on to Shu and cried out, “Ya really are the perfect boyfriend.”

“Say that to Nito, I’m quite sure he’ll laugh at you. He still eyes me warily whenever you have a crisis, you know?”

Mika chuckled through the tears. “That’s because Nazuna-nii ‘s too kind. Ya know, whenever he’s around, he always rushes to my side when I’m in pain. An’ then, I hear nothin' but worried questions from him fer hours. He takes care of me, an’ everythin’.”

“It doesn’t surprise me. Nito has always had a heart of gold.”

“Yeah.” Mika paused and his hand on Shu’s abdomen, he traced a few hesitant circles. Eventually, he managed to gather the courage to mumble: “... Honestly, ain’t ya frustrated with havin’ t’play caretaker again, though? I had gotten so good at takin' care of myself.”

“There’s a world between helping you because you’re ill, or helping you because you’ve never built the skills for something. The first doesn’t bother me, no.”

“Feels like regression into bein’ yer puppet.”

“Even as my puppet, you had far more free will boiling in you than you give yourself credit for. You were so devoted to me that even when I told you to stay put, to leave, that I had given up, you didn’t. Even then, how utterly human you were was shining. It’s still shining,” Shu said, kissing Mika’s head. He closed his eyes and pulled Mika tight. “And you shine so bright, my dear. So, so bright.”

Those last words fully unleashed Mika’s tears again, who in between the sniffs and sobs, blubbered again and again just how much he loved Shu. 

He couldn't help it. Not when Shu was being so sweet, not when his words matched Mika’s pain so perfectly. 

In the warmth of Shu's arms and care, he simply felt fully accepted, in spite of everything. Even his ugly crying didn’t matter. Shu never pushed him away in times of need. Never. He never would. 

“Oshi-san?” Mika called out when the tears had ceased, his throat now sore and his entire body even more tired. Shu hummed and rubbed his back, so Mika whispered: “I think I need t’hear ya sayin’ ya won’t leave me ‘cause I got sick again.”

Shu smiled, pulled him close and kissed his shoulder. “You know, I’m proud of you for voicing that directly instead of asking if I will leave you.”

“I know what ya will answer. I just want t’hear it. … It doesn’t bother ya, right?”

“It doesn’t.” Shu shifted and after a few kisses on Mika’s head, he whispered, “I’m not ever leaving you, Kagehira. In my view, our lives are intertwined, and even woven together. The only way to separate us would be to cut us apart, which is not something that I will ever allow.”

One of Shu's hands moved to the back of Mika’s head and began fondling his fluffy hair gently. “You’re far too precious to me for that, both as a partner and muse. Truly, Kagehira. Even if we have bad days, even if your illness worsens… I believe that you’ll always have the heart that I fell in love with. And also…” Shu dragged his sentence, paused, and even lower, he said, “If we come to have to retire, I think we should move to France.”

“France…?” That seemed so unrelated to the current topic, Mika frowned. “Oshi-san, I know ya love it but I don’t even speak the language.”

“You can learn it.” Shu took a deep breath and looking away, his heart beating so loud Mika could feel it, he added: “The legislation there would be friendlier to us.”

“... the legislation?”

Slowly, Shu embraced Mika’s left hand and kissed it. “Yes. The day we retire is the day I propose to you.”

“Ngah??!”

“So you see,” Shu smiled. “Even if we were forced to retire early because you cannot go on stage anymore, we have no reason to part ways.”

“Hey, hey,” Mika exclaimed, crimson all over his face. “Why do ya get t’be the one t’propose?!”

Blushing, Shu waved around frantically. “You’ve practically already proposed to me!”

“No?!”

“In essence, yes, you have!”

“When?”

Shu rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. Every time you’ve promised me that you wouldn’t ever leave me, that you would walk to hell with me?”

“That wasn’t a proposal! Weddin’ or not, I’d do it.”

“It has made your intent clear enough!”

“But in that case, didn’t ya just propose t’me?!”

Shu’s cheeks flushed and flailing around, he spluttered, “Non! I was merely… merely making an announcement, to try to quell your fear! Do you truly believe me to be the man to make such a pitiful proposal? Kagehira, the day I propose to you, you best believe that it will be with one of the best artworks you’ll ever see from me!”

“So… I can't say yes right now?”

Shu huffed, “No, you can’t. This wasn’t my proposal.”

“Ya know I will say yes, though.”

“Yes.”

“But since I know that ya will say yes too, now, can’t I propose as well?”

Blushing furiously, Shu curled up a little. “I– I– I was the first to say that I would propose! So I get to propose first. You can always propose to me afterwards!”

Mika let out a few cheerful giggles and kissed his cheek. “I sure will. I don't want ya t’never be proposed to. Ya also deserve the best proposal ever. Because you’re the best man in the entire world! ♪”

“Do you promise to let me propose first…?”

Mika grinned and squeezed Shu tight. “Sure! As long as I get t’say yes and propose t’ya too, I don't care which order we do it in!

“Still, Kagehira…” Shu whispered, lacing their fingers together. “Proposal or not, wedding or not, I want you to know that I already abide by the ‘In sickness and health’ vow. I loved you before your illness. I still love you now. And I will still love you moving forward. Understood?”

“Got it,” Mika whimpered before slumping back into Shu’s tight and comforting embrace. 

“Good,” Shu whispered. He kissed the top of Mika’s head and gave one last stroke to his back before settling his hands on his waist. 

Mika then hummed and shifted a bit, just to make sure he was in a position that he wouldn’t regret tomorrow. 

“Should I heat up your pads, or is the blanket enough?” Shu asked. 

“Mh… I won’t refuse that.”

“I’ll bring you water as well.”

“Can’t I have hot chocolate instead?”

Terse, Shu sighed. “You’ve already brushed your teeth, Kagehira. And most importantly, you’ve already had one such cup. I’m afraid I must refuse.” 

Mika huffed and as Shu left the bed, he grabbed a pillow to rest his arms around. “Meanie. Why won’t ya spoil me even more?”

“Because you know how the agency will react if you put on too much weight. They’ll insist for you to lose it, which means more physical activity and dieting and so, undue strain put on your body. I won't allow that.” 

Frustrated, Mika grumbled under his breath. His body really was a curse. 

Shu sat back on the bed, turned towards Mika and smiling, he reached for his shoulder. “I will still ‘spoil’ you when I get back.”

“How…?”

“Who knows,” Shu replied with a grin. “What may I possibly spoil you with, I wonder.” 

Wriggling in place, Mika reached out one hand in his direction. Shu soon caught it and placed a few tender kisses on Mika’s knuckles. “This is but a preview of what is to come.”

A preview, Shu had said.

That mere preview was enough for Mika’s insides to combust and plead desperately for Shu’s immediate return, even as Mika watched him leave his side, his arms full with Mika’s lukewarm heating pads.

Relieved and at peace, Mika sighed as the door closed and laid on his back. Staring at the ceiling, he couldn't help but smile. 

Despite the low pain haunting his legs and arms, Mika felt in paradise.

His cheeks suddenly burned him up. Gosh, Shu really had said all casually that he would propose to him one day. The only thing separating them from being engaged to the other was their status as idols. Sniffing, Mika wiped his incoming tears.

No matter what the future held, it seemed so bright. As long as he had Shu by his side, as long as his sun and savior was his partner, only happiness seemed in sight. 

For eternity.