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Week ago I received letter offering job. My last business ended months ago so i was bit grateful. It caught my interest right away because the job included overthrow of the king and queen. Letter didn’t contain sending address and the name sighed at the bottom of the page wasn’t familiar to me either. In moments like these I wish at least one of my past informators still talked to me, but it’s been three weeks since the last one cut me off. Maybe if he knew about this letter he would be interested, but I’m not going to contact him until I know details about the job. However, right now I have no other option then ride to Paris and asked there around, hoping that they will know the person I’m looking for. And I shall pray that at least someone will recognize name Philippe Feron.
Paris is only half day journey from my latest residence, so when I left before dawn I arrived to the city around the noon. Most of people are scared of me, so when someone start rumors about stranger that fit my description, everybody will watch out for me. Luckily, I’m decent in keeping low profile. Paris has fallen into quite chaos since the musketeers left for war. Wonder how long it will take to break their spirits. I heard they were good men. Almost wish them quick and not-so-painful death. After while of wandering I found someone who looked like he’s not serving any particular purpose so I decided to make his day terrible by annoy him with asking dumb questions to which he doesn’t have answers during his day off.
“Excuse me, sir, may I ask you something?” I approached him.
“Well, yea, of course, go ahead.” He reacted quickly.
“Perfect. Do you recognize name Philippe Feron by any chance?” I questioned. Man gave me confused look but after while he answered.
“For sure, I mean everybody knows that name, he’s from royal family after all.” Man said. For few seconds I stant there like and idiot and stare into void.
“You… you mean.. he's king’s blood?” I asked still little puzzled.
“Yes, precisely… well more-less…” he mumbled.
“More-less? What do you mean by that?” as he said that I quickly came back to my senses.
“Well, I said more-less because it’s only half true.” He stopped but I gestured him to continue.
“It’s only half true because they’re only half brothers… not sharing same mother. Marquis de Feron is actually king’s older brother, however, since he’s a bastard he cannot…. His father, our past king, wouldn’t allowed him to became ruler. I guess you understand.” Man explained. Right after receiving this information things became clearer. This guy basically want throne he should had have. Well, that’s fair I guess.
"Oh, I see… but he isn’t in contact with king, is he?” I asked just to be surer.
“They haven’t been in contact for long time, but king invited him live to the palace some time ago. Probably to help raising his son or whatever.”
Suddenly nothing make half as much sense as I thought it made twenty seconds ago. I wanted to get even more answers than before, but realizing I won’t get much information from this man, without being suspicious, I decided to thanked him and disappear. Man, clearly noticing my surprise, seemed confused by this sudden leave but let it be.
After this little talk I came to conclusion that if I want to know something I have to asked at the source. That sadly meant I have to infiltrate the palace and meet this Philippe Feron personally. In that moment I remembered he mentioned in the letter secret room where we should meet. I was puzzled by it then because it said which floor and which door lead there but didn’t state building. Now it was obvious – the Palace. So I sneaked around the gatekeepers and crossed the garden (which was so huge that if somebody saw me wandering around I would have been gone by time they would reach me). Then I stopped under the windows and counted the floor. I mean, I could use door like a normal person and I definitely could sneak through the whole caste without being spotted but, meh, why bother. With nobody in sight I climbed to the opened window on correct floor. It wasn’t the lowest one but it always could have been higher. I scratched to the window sill and stepped inside. I thought of closing the window behind me same way as humans do with door but…..
“You can leave the window opened.”
Voice interrupted me. I froze in the place. Righ now all I need is to find reasonable argument why would sane and sober man climbed to the palace in late afternoon.
“Hm, you are Lucien Grimaud I assume? I started to feel like you ignored my letter.” He spoke again.
I exhaled deeply. This saves me lot of trouble. Wouldn’t think I would have so much of luck to get the window in correct chamber right away. I turned around to see my companion just to be left in absolute shock. He was sitting on bed, leaning against it’s frame, legs touching the floor. Didn’t look alarmed or surprised, quite the opposite, his face looked relaxed with satisfied smile on his lips. Dark long hair fell on his shoulders, matching black loose shirt he was wearing. I haven’t spotted single weapon in the room, only cane made of dark wood, which was laid against table next to the bed. As I started connecting dots I asked quietly.
“How were you expecting me to visit you? You haven’t mentioned palace in the letter, if I recall correctly.” I started wandering across the room direction to the doors.
“I thought you would knew. Have I overstimated you? Mm?” He answered calmly. I walked to the door and moved it. Locked.
“I assumed you thought I could open a locked door too.” I turned back to him.
“Hm, and why is so? You didn’t use it, did you?” Older man looked at me and smiled.
“The window was open on purpose.” I concluded. Couldn’t help but smiled at how easily he figured basic things about me. He did too.
“Then I’m supposed to think you heard that terrible rumors about me? Only the worst things… Aren’t you scared?” I asked and took few steps towards him.
“I’m not quite sure what you have in mind.” He said, eyes locked on me.
“Cold-blooded cruel merciless murderer and thief. Madman who’ll do anything for money…” I named. Now I was standing only one feet from the bed.
“And maybe not,” he interrupted, “maybe I heard about your business, about your wealth, about your skills and experiences… I could put a good use for these.” He added. I listened still slightly surprised how much information he gathered about me and felt quite irresponsible, even a little dumb, for not doing so myself.
“You see there are several things I am unable to do, therefore I thought that somebody who can do anything is a good ally.” Man explained.
“Fair point. Honestly, you got me down bad for it when you mentioned king’s takedown.” I admitted.
“I’m very happy to hear that you are interested, dear Lucien Grimaud.” He said with smile. It’s been awhile since somebody said my name without hatred or fear. It felt so different.
“Would you mind me asking,” I said as I started going through things laying on the table next to the bed, “what happened to you?” I pointed at the cane as I finished sentence.
“Hm, I was wondering how much time will you be able to hold your curiosity when you’ll notice that. Perhaps I should have mentioned it in the letter, you looked really disturbed when you saw me.” He said it almost laughing.
“It wouldn’t do much difference, you would seemed injured to me anyway. I thought about killing you in an instant to save you pain. So what was it?” I asked again still checking stuff on the table. “
Nothing. I’ve been struggling with it all my life.” He answered. I stared in silence for a moment.
“I could never.” I whispered finally.
“Well, neither could I live yours. Nobody will understand why or how you live like that, never. You are the only person to whom that makes sense. Each of us lead different life and you may spend it wondering what’s-wrong-with-others or simply accept them for who they are. It’s not that hard,is it? Hm?” he explained looking straight through me. And I was wondering whether he was talking about me or himself.
“I am not judging you..” I enssured him.
“Oh, I know that very well, neither do I. You are a very fine companion. Haven’t have somebody this interesting in ages.” He smiled. I nodded and once again I let my body pace around the room.
“Are you looking for something specific? Or just can’t stay still?” Marquis eyes followed my every move. I turned around and faced him.
“Both.” Why do still I have to answer when he got me read so well?
“Something troubles you? I can change my behavior only when you tell me, you know?” He said as his eyes met mine.
“Could you stop trying to read me, please.” I ordered, however it sounded more like a plead.
“Trying to read you? Am I doing that? Apologies, one simply can’t help themself when it’s written all over your face.” His answer echoed in my ears. Am I that easily readable? No. No, he’s the first one who can…
“No, you are the only one who can read me like this.” I stated aloud.
“Maybe I am, or maybe are others just too scared to point that out. So what’s that you looking for?” he asked again.
“And why are you not scared? There aren’t any hidden weapons, how could you be so sure I wouldn’t hurt you!” I growled.
“I wasn’t, but, you know, when you living life like mine, death does not bother you. Hm..” Man sighed.
“Alright, I guess its time for me to stop making absolute freak out of myself and you will share details about your revolution with me.” I said half done and half embarrassed.
“Yeah, yeah, for sure. No, rush.” Feron ensured me.
Next few hours he spent talking about his plans. And I listened. He was talking in very low and calming way and I found myself not listening to his words but his voice. I had to ask him to repeat himself every now and then because I got lost in way he talked.
“You speak really careless even through the king is your family.” I said when he finished.
“It has never bothered him untill now, when he wants me to look after his son. Because of his messed up relationship with Queen. So it does not botherme either.” He shrugs.
“I see,” I nodded and headed to the door, “if that’s everything, I guess it is time for me to leave.” The sun was setting and the room fallen into shadows.
“The key’s on the table.” Man noted, just before I tried open the door.
“Yeah, thanks for reminding me.” I mumbled.
“See you soon, I hope.” He said as I left.
I carefully closed door behind me and soundlessly walked through the castle. Many inhabitants weren’t sleeping yet, however there was less of them then during day. Non of them noticed me, they looked like they rushed to finish their job and go home. Even through I knew way out of caste it took too much time to get to the exit. I can’t agree on using door again. Nobody told me it’s this time consuming. I left the castle and stopped in the garden. After a deep breath of fresh air I looked up. I stood there motionless for few minutes and watched as stars appeared on darkening sky. I began thinking about Feron. He is very different person, but what he’s saying sounds weirly familiar. I wanted to listen to him more, but I knew I would find myself uncomfortable indoors. Strange feeling. I never felt so voluntary crossing my boundaries for clients. Well, only coming back tomorrow will help me understand that. I exited garden and rushed through the town. Some people were still on streets, however all markets were closed by now. I passed several men heading to pubs or bars and felt disgusted by their attitude.
I slowed down as I entered woods and enjoyed peace and quiet. Feeling of relief washed over my body. I didn’t even realized how much I suppress my instincts. I tried to stay controlled and not to show disrespect towards Feron. Though, I probably did anyway. I feel ashamed of myself. Last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable. I never worked with anyone like him before and I don’t know how to act in his presence. I just wish he wouldn’t minded. I just wish none of them minded. I didn’t really knew where is was going when I left castle but after while I set as my destination some meadow or field, whichever is closer. I have to run through whole forest in upcoming week to get idea how to orient in here. When I finally found place with view to the sky I fell from exhaustion. Not the typical physical kind of exhaustion but the why-am-I-thinking-about-it-so-hard kind of exhaustion, which I hate because, unlike physical tiredness, sleep won’t help. I laid on grass and stared at the moon wandering across the sky. It took me hours to fall asleep. I hope Feron hadn’t struggled with it as much as I did. Why am I still thinking about him, anyway?
Drop. Drop. Drop. It decided to rain in the morning. I woke up to water sprinkle on my face and wet grass underneath. Not saying I am not used to, it just always feel better to get up with light. If it weren’t raining, the sun would have been about to rise. I stood up and instinctively navigated through the forest, it always looks different in daylight, therefore I rather rely on muscle memory then eyes. Town was still calm and quiet and I wished it stayed like this for whole day. As far as I know people don’t enjoy staying out during rain. One of many things I don’t agree with them. One of many things that makes me different and weird. I realized I should hurry and to not get too wet so my client won’t notice I do in fact enjoy that. I entered royal garden and looked through the windows. Still dark and quiet. Everyone asleep except for few guards which passed the hall every now and then. I’m not going through palace anyway. To my big surprise the window on Ferons room was open again. Or still? Did I closed it yesterday or did somebody visited him after I left?
Why exactly do I bother? I wondered as I started climbing the wall. When I reached the window I looked inside simply to check whether somebody’ in there. I assumed it was Ferons room, however he might as well have another one and this one is only used for meetings. My assumption has shown to be true since he was siting on the bed drinking something. I sit on the window sill and knocked on the glass. Feron turned around and smiled.
“I’m thankful you blessed me with your presence Lucien.” He greeted me. I entered the room, feeling bit weird because of water dropping of me. I just hope he won’t mind. “I thought you wouldn’t show up due to rain.” Man marked after a while.
“What? Why should that be a problem?” I asked.
“Oh, just you know, thought you would get uncomfortable staying here in wet clothes. I assumed you would visit after rain.” He explained.
“Wet clothes doesn’t bother me.” I answered.
“Is that so? Alright then. Whatever you feel well like.” He agreed.
“Does it disturb you…” I asked quietly.
“No, no, it doesn’t. However feel free to take off your clothes in case it would bother you.” He offered.
“For sure.” I nodded. Feron started to explain other details about the plan same way as yesterday. I listened and tried to find what about him is so familiar. After while I started to feel dumb to walk around his room in wet clothes because I got water all over the floor. I stopped and took off my jacket and cape. Feron noticed it and stared at me in silence.
“You may hang it on the chair.” He said pointing to the table.
“Thank you.” I did as he said.
“You may take off your boots in case they’re wet as well.” He noted. I gotten bit uncomfortable standing there just in shirt and barefoot. Feron didn’t seem to mind that or at least he pretended. I tried to stay still and not to pace around the room too much, but it doesn’t feel right to not move.
“You may sit wherever you like.” Feron offered. I wanted to protest and say it's more natural for me to move but then I realized it’s him who’s uncomfortable with me standing in the middle of room. He looked surprised, and I have expected that, when I sat on the floor next to chair my clothes where hanging on.
“I’m better this way.” I said before he could complain.
“Hm? Have I said something?” he asked.
“You were about to.” I growled.
“Who’s reading whom now, eh?” man smiled.
“Don’t mess with me, I would still kill you without hesitation if you turn out unlikeable. Nothing would stop me. You don’t have any weapons here and nobody is guarding this room.” I stated angrily.
“Hm?” He faced me.
“That makes me wonder. Does anybody actually knows about our meetings?” I asked surprised.
“No, not yet.” He shook his head.
“That’s not very smart move.” I almost laughed.
“Oh, I will tell ‘em, I just wanted to know what are you like. You know, so I can ensure them that you don’t bite.” He smiled.
“I do.” I answered with straight face.
“Oh? Is that so? Well, then I should rather warned them about you.” He marked.
“Who are they in question?” I said suspiciously.
“The Red Guards obviously, they work for me since unfortunate death of past minister. Their captain is quite willing man. I’ll make sure they will treat you in respectful way.” He explained. I didn’t said anything. There wasn’t need for that. “If you wait for a while I can go get him.” He added.
“Didn’t you said you don’t want to anybody to know about me yet?” I asked confused.
“Well, you looked upset that nobody knows. So I thought-“
“Don’t bother.” I interrupted him. I wasn’t in mood to meet some soldier and I definitely wasn’t in mood to see Feron move around in pain. Yeah, that would pissed me off. He smiled and glared at me.
“Your shirt is wet as well.” He noted.
“Yeah, I know.” I said annoyed, still adjusting my shirt to cover what’s underneath because water made it transparent.
“In case it makes you nervous you may take it off too. I might lend you one of my shirts if you’re interested.” He said after while. I suddenly felt cold sweat on my back.
“No, I don’t think that’s right.” I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“It’s just inappropriate."
“I wouldn’t consider it rude.”
“I would.”
He stared at me for moment. I knew he already noticed it and just wanted to know more. “Hold your curiosity back!” I growled at him. I looked for clues that I offended him but didn’t find any.
“My curiosity? What about yours? All you look at is my cane. Haven’t seen such a thing yet?” he calmly notes.
“Could ask you the same thing….” I lowered my eyes. Older man probably understood what I mean because he turned his head away as well. Silence filled the room for few minutes. Is it my fault? Yeah, definitely is. I should apologize. And maybe start trying harder on that acting-like-human thing. I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you to your limits. I should have been more respectful and not to force you to things you don’t want.” Feron interrupted me before I could said something. I was left speechless and stared with my mouth open for several seconds.
Nobody ever apologized to me.
Nobody ever said something was their fault when I was included.
Nobody ever lied to me this much.
“If you feel too uncomfortable you may leave. Or stay, it doesn’t matter.” He looked at me with guilt in eyes.
You don’t matter. I heard clearly in my head.
“You were right. I saw through your shirt something. It looked like bandages but black. I was curious and didn’t wanted to ask you about it. But it worries me. Are you hurt?” Feron continues. Every sentence is quieter then the one before. I stared at him in horror.
“Wha- How- Why do you care?..” I said with trembling voice.
“As I said – it worries me.”
“I… but, its me? Nobody cares about me…”
“Hmm, that’s sad. That’s very sad.” He shook his head.
“It’s not. I can take care of myself. Don’t need help.” I argued.
“So, those injuries of yours are treated?”
“Most of them yes.” I ensured him.
“Most of them?” He repeated curiously.
“I can’t reach those on my back.” I explained.
“Doesn’t they hurt as well?” he continued his questioning.
“Perhaps hurt in past, now I got used to them.” I looked away. I know where this is going. And I don’t like it at all.
“Do you want me to treat it for you?” he ask unsurely. No, don’t bother. I’m not worth of your care. It doesn’t even hurt that much anymore. I screamed in my head.
“If you insist.” I lied aloud instead.
“Yes.”
I stood up and unbuttoned my shirt. Bandages. Black, blood-soaked, dirty bandages. I saw mix of confusion and fear in Ferons eyes and impatiently waited for his judging and discriminating comment.
“Do you change them sometimes?” Was all I get. I was too shocked to notice where did he take the medical supplies from and suddenly he was just holding it. He gave me look, which I didn’t understood what meant but assumed I should take off my bandages. My heartbeat speeded up as he approached me. “Liar. You said you have untreated injuries only on your back,” his hand touched my chest, “but you have them also here.” I stood without word and let him clean the wounds. It was a little uncomfortable that somebody treated my body but his touch was weirdly calming.
“Turn around.” He said after he cleaned and treated my chest. I did as he said. I knew this was going to hurt. I prepared for it. But even through I couldn’t stop myself from urge to whine and groan. With one arm I lean into the table and bite to the other to prevent myself from moaning. I didn’t think I got it that bad. I tried my best not to move a muscle so Feron may clean the wounds undisturbed, however it took much longer than I would expect and want. When he finally announced he’s finished I felt like collapsing. But I straightened myself instead and turned around to grab my bandages.
“Don’t you want to sit down. You look really pale.” He marked as I faced him.
“No, I am alright.” I gasped.
“Please sit down Lucien.” He pleaded.
“No, I have to ban-“ I wanted to protest but my brain went blank. Feron supported me and sat me down.
When my head became clear again I find myself laying on my side in Ferons bed. He was sitting next to me and….. washing my bandages?
“What do you think you doing.” I asked barely hearable.
“Waiting for you to wake up.” He muttered without looking at me.
“With my bandages I mean.” I corrected myself.
“Does it hurt? You should drink some wine, it’s strong one.” He ignored my question and pointed at glass on the table next to me.
“I’m alright-“
“As alright as you were half an hour ago? When you passed out?” He said before I could finish. As I sit up my vision blurred for few seconds. Just then I noticed Feron handing me my black bandages. “Do you need help with wrapping them around yourself?” He asked as I took them.
I shook my head, knowing very well he will be disturbed, well that’s a poor way to say it, more like, disgusted by how tightly I bind every inch of my body with that bandages. I started wrapping up my torso. The treated wounds on my back ached a bit under the pressure of the bandage but nothing unbearable. I could feel Ferons eyes on me. Carefully watching my very move. And probably judging, I assumed. When I finished, I looked up and found his expression very different from what I expected. “Don’t you find it weird?” I asked without thinking.
“Hmm… weird, is it? I cannot say I understand why you do that. However, I believe you have very good reason why you bandage that body of yours.” He responded. Not clearest answer but understandable enough. He just doesn’t want to sounds rude.
“I really appreciate what you’re doing, but there’s no need to be so polite with me.” I stated.
“You confuse me, Lucien.” He said simply. I lean closer to him, expecting him to flinch away. That didn’t happen.
“What are you doing?” he whispered. Not the judgmental way, the curious way. I tilted my head.
“How? Why you’re not scared? Why you’re not weirded out?” I questioned.
“And how exactly would that helped me, hm?” He responded.
“Helped with what?” I frowned.
“To understand you? To get to know you?” he responded unsurely.
“Why would you need to? I just work for you. You don’t have to get along with me. It is enough you put up with my…. It is enough you tolerate my presence…” I said.
“You’re right, I don’t need to. But this is not about need, it’s want. I want to. And trust me, I’m trying more than just tolerate you. That’s the bare minimum I can do.” He explained.
“You are the very first person…” I mumbled and pulled away.
“Don’t get up, you may faint again.” He grabbed my hand. I stayed still for a while but I knew I couldn’t do it for long.
“You’re too kind, I don’t need this gentleness.” I said need but meant deserve.
“Apologies, it’s a bad habit of mine…” He sighed.
“To make everyone around feel most comfortable?” I read from his expression. His eyes met mine and he slowly nodded. Just then I noticed tiredness and pain in his face.
“People pleasing is not good for your health.” I said in much more caring tone than I intended. He looked at me bit confused.
“You’re the one who should rest. Stop worrying about me and tell me what can I do to return your favor and make you feel better.” I ordered him. He sighed.
“Give me my medicine…” Feron said after a while. I stand up and walked to the table. I scanned the objects laying there. Bowl with bullets and blood mixed with water. A glass of wine. And small round thing, looking eatable, cut into few pieces. “This?” I pointed at it, facing Feron. He checked, then closed eyes and nodded.
“Put it in my glass.” He added. I didn’t answer but did as he said. Then I handed the glass to him. He drink it all and thanked me. I grabbed the glass before he could drop it to the ground and placed it back to the table. He looked so vulnerable and so weak. I sat next to him and let him lean on my shoulder. Why? Don’t know. I didn’t think about it. My body acted without my awareness or permission.
“Sorry to bother you… Thank you once more.” He said quietly and in his voice was hearable how much it weights him.
“It’s alright… And stop apologizing. It’s not like you did something wrong.” I whispered. Silence.
“It is my bad, have I come earlier than you would like?” I asked. I got so distracted with his interest in me that I totally forgot that normal people don’t wake up so early in morning. “I let you sleep and come back in the evening, or tomorrow even.” I said as I stared thought the window. The rain has stopped and light started to fall into the room. I felt Feron shifts on my shoulder as he mumbled something.
“What was it?” I turned to him and held him closer.
“St…. I would like you to stay if you don’t mind.” He pleaded and pulled my sleeve. I stayed in shock.
Did he really said that?
Did he really said what I heard?
Did he asked me to stay with him when he’s not feeling well?
“I…I don’t understand.” I shook my head. No response. I laid Feron down and cover him with blanked.
“Don’t leave Lucien, please. I’m sorry. It will pass, it won’t take long. Just please, don’t leave. “ he begged.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I assured him in low voice. “I may stay here if that’s what you would want.”
Feron weakly nodded.
Its not like I have anything else to do. He is my business partner now after all. He has all my time if he needs it. I suppose he knows.
I sit on his bed and watched him fall asleep. Quite peacefully, I would say. It was probably my very first time seeing somebody sleeping. Nobody asked me to do this ever before.
It felt weird.
But calming.
Everything about Feron felt weird, but strangely comforting.
It makes me want to stay by his side. I think I stay on his side. As long as it will be safe for both of us.