Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Teacher, how do we know there aren’t people living outside the walls?”

Levi stared down with a mixture of shock and sadness. His life fading, Erwin had flung his arm out of the captain’s grasp as he asked his question, almost as if he were back in school. “He still holds onto his dream,” Levi realized. To his right lay the charred yet barely breathing body of Armin Alert, who’d heroically risked his life to stop the Colossal Titan. For Levi, the choice was near impossible. That kid had the exact same spark of adventure and penchant for knowledge as Erwin had; his dreams were as vast at the ocean itself. “Where did Erwin’s dreams lead him? What was Erwin’s plan beyond the basement?” Perhaps that realization was all Levi needed to make his choice. “Live with no regrets,” his mind chided. The next thing he knew, Levi was kneeling over Armin’s body and injecting the serum.

That was it then: Armin would live, Erwin would die. He’d seen hundreds of comrades die, people he’d called dear friends. The pain that gnawed inside his chest never vanished, but Levi had grown used to its presence over time. But now, that pain had increased at the sight of his Commander. Erwin was more to him than that though, he was Levi’s closest friend, his most trusted confidante, and the man who’d given Levi a new path in life. Erwin was many things: charismatic, brave, a gambler… but Levi had only begun to fully understand the depth of his Commander’s inner turmoil when he’d ordered him to give up his dreams and die. And Erwin had done just that. Did Levi regret choosing Armin? No, he did not. But he knew there’d never be anyone else like Erwin.

Wordlessly, Levi left Armin’s body and sat next to Erwin’s. A few feet away sat Hange, their eye brimming with tears. Hange had known Erwin for a long time and the pair had a close friendship built on the recognition of each other’s ingenuity and passion for discovery. Although Levi found it odd that Hange had begun leaning over Erwin’s body. The man was dead; what more proof did Hange need? “Hange…” Levi sighed.

It wasn’t as if Erwin would magically come back to life; that option had already been used. His eyes were closed and his body was still, most likely cold as well. His skin was also deathly pale, drained of its color from the blood loss. Another comrade to add to Levi’s list of people he lost. Except, why was Hange still leaning over Erwin’s body as if they’d noticed something he hadn’t? “He’s gone, Four Eyes,” Levi said quietly, ignoring the shrieks of Bertolt Hoover and the roar of Armin’s Titan. Hange had their head fully pressed up against Erwin’s chest, his wrist gripped in their arm. “Hange!” Levi growled. “Are you listening?” The pain in his chest roared and writhed furiously. Now was not the time for one of Hange’s experiments. Yet Levi knew all too well that Hange was hurting deeply. They’d cried as Mikasa fought in their arms. “I am Levi,” they said, “I’m listening to you and Erwin.” Hange looked up, tears clinging to their eyelashes. “Levi,” they breathed, “Erwin’s alive.”

The world seemed to come to a crashing halt in that moment. While everyone else was gathered around Armin and celebrating his return from death, Levi’s breath was caught in his throat. Erwin was still alive??? But he’d seen the man’s breathing stop and his eyes flutter shut. He heard his final words. “Hange?” Levi asked, his mind still trying to process everything. “Are you absolutely sure?” Hange was seldom wrong, of course, but now was not the time to worry about that. Hange nodded. “He’s alive, but barely. His breathing is so faint, but it’s there. We need to get him to a hospital or he won’t last the night.” Levi nodded without thinking. They’d set off immediately back to Wall Rose and get Erwin the best doctor they could find. Erwin would live. He’d finally fulfill his father’s dream.

Behind Levi, there were the soft thuds of footsteps on the roof as Jean, Connie, and Sasha joined their friends. “Are we all that’s left?” he heard Jean ask. The horror in the boy’s voice wasn’t hard to miss. Indeed, the Beast Titan had killed all of the recruits sans Floch with his bombardment. Those who hadn’t been killed by the Beast Titan had met their end to Reiner or Bertolt as they destroyed and burned Shiganshina district to a crisp. “We are,” he found himself saying. The remaining scouts crowded around him and Hange, peering at Erwin.

“The Commander is…?”

“Not Commander Erwin…”

“What happened?”

“He’s alive,” Levi said, voice firm. He couldn’t bear to look at any of them right now, not when Erwin’s life was hanging on by a thread. There were whispers coming from all of them, including Armin, who had finally returned to his human self. As for Floch, wherever the brat was, Levi didn’t need to look at him to tell that the scout was off scowling somewhere. It was him who’d demanded Erwin take the serum as a punishment for his suicide charge, among other things. Never mind him, Levi would deal with the kid later. “Hange.” His head snapped up. “You will go see what’s in that basement and I will stay with him. Then, we will go home.”

Hange’s eye was filled with the same sense of relief and worry that Levi’s had. “Ok,” they replied. “But promise me, Levi, if anything happens, make sure he’s at peace.” Levi knew what Hange meant; if it was truly Erwin’s time, that Levi would not force the Commander to stay. Levi had no intention of cruelly keeping Erwin here. But if Erwin was still fighting, then Levi would fight for him. “I promise,” he replied. With a silent nod, Hange collected Eren, Armin, and Mikasa to also bear witness to what secrets lay in the basement.

“Hang on Erwin,” Levi said, his hand secured firmly around the Commander’s. “We’re going home.”

…

            The ride home had felt long and grueling, even though it only took a little over a day. Eren’s Titan had carried the majority of the scouts while Hange carried Erwin on the sole surviving horse. Miraculously, the steed had managed to flee the Beast’s bombardment. The recovered diaries of Grisha Yeager were secured with Mikasa and Armin. Erwin himself had Hange’s cloak wrapped tightly around him, acting as another bandage. Levi hoped it would be enough in order to get Erwin home.

It was a bold and foolish choice, but Trost district was the only town close enough for Erwin to get to. He’d die before Karanase or Krovla would even come into view. Unfortunately, for the scouts, time wasn’t a luxury they could afford, and Trost’s outer gate was still sealed. “What if Eren carried the Commander over the wall?” All eyes turned to Connie. With eyebrows raised Levi glanced at Hange with a curious look. It certainly was a gamble, but it was possible. Eren himself was staring at the two, awaiting the answer. “It’s worth a shot, I suppose,” Hange concluded. Nods all around, the scouts set off. When they reached Trost district, Eren carried everyone, Erwin included, over the Wall. There were shrieks from the Garrison and civilians, but many relaxed when they recognized Eren’s Titan form and the sight of Hange flying through the air to greet everyone.

Once inside, Levi scrambled off of Eren’s back and into the streets of the town.

            “It’s the Scout regiment!”

            “They’re home!”

            “Wait, is that it?”

            “Where is everyone?”

            “I want that Commander’s head!”

The cries of the people turned from relief and excitement to horror and anger. One by one, Mikasa, Armin, Sasha, Connie, Jean, Floch, and Erwin in Armin’s arms, slid off Eren’s shoulders. Levi was already far ahead. “We need a doctor!” he called. “The Commander has been severely injured!” Levi was met by initial silence, followed by whispers and some jeers. Perhaps it truly was Erwin’s time. Levi’s heart pounded in his chest; they were running out of time. His comrades all walked silently together, their heads hung low and shadows ghosting their eyes. But none drew more whispers than the sight of Erwin’s limp body, blood leaking through the bandages.

“Bring him here! Quickly!” someone called. The crushing weight of pressure inside Levi’s body lightened as a man and woman stepped forward. They were doctors and were more than welcome to see to Erwin’s injuries. Levi nodded and with Hange at his heels, brought Erwin to their house. Around him, some of the crowd voiced their displeasure and it was making Levi’s fingers clench.

“I hope he dies. Filthy devil is the reason why my sweet Hans isn’t here.”

“If we’re lucky, he won’t last the night.”

“Serves him right for sending so many to their death.”

            Levi wanted to argue back that Erwin’s sacrifices hadn’t been in vain. Yet when he thought back to their final conversation, Levi couldn’t deny the weight in his heart. Erwin had other reasons for leading the Survey Corps besides saving humanity. He had trusted Levi to make the choice for him, not because he couldn’t bear the thought of dying in battle, but because Erwin knew he couldn’t be trusted to make the selfless decision alone. The people’s cries weren’t without reason, but Levi knew he’d come to Erwin’s aid over and over again. As he watched the couple undo the bandages to assess the grievous injuries, Levi mulled over these thoughts.

…

Much to the relief of Levi and Hange, Erwin survived the night and was deemed stable enough to last the journey to the main hospital in Stohess. The couple who’d taken them in had done all they could in cleaning up the wound and bandaging it. Although the bleeding had stopped, it would be a nightmare to sew up; that didn’t account for all the organ damage and shattered bones. Levi watched in silence with nervousness as Erwin went in for surgery. Was all this effort really worth it?

“Levi.” Hange’s voice caught his attention. He noticed their eye had been treated and bandaged accordingly.

“Hmmm?”

“You need to eat something. Erwin will be ok; he’s pulled through for this long. You know how stubborn the Commander is.”

Levi shook his head. “That’s not it, Hange.” He slumped against the chair in the hospital waiting room. The dull lighting pouring in from the windows and the copious amount of flowers and cutesy art décor were doing little to help his already sour mood. Were these things supposed to be helpful? How many times had he seen someone die without any fanfare or smiling faces telling him to “cheer up?” “It’s about something Erwin shared with me.” That final conversation replayed again in his head.

Hange shifted their body to better look at him. “What happened, Levi?” They’d been dealing with the Colossal Titan whilst Levi and Erwin had been entertaining the Beast Titan. Moblit was gone now, having sacrificed himself to save Hange. His loss cut deep, and now Erwin’s was at stake. Death was inevitable, especially in their line of work, but Hange had had enough of seeing friends and comrades die.

Levi sighed; Hange had the right to know. “I ordered Erwin to give up his dream and die,” he said solemnly. “He’s been carrying this burden for so long. That basement was his dream, no matter how many lives he gambled in order to get there.” He paused to let Hange take in his words.

“You chose Arlert because you wanted to let him rest. You wanted to make sure he died dedicating his heart.”

Hange’s words washed over him; yes, that’s what he’d done. And because he knew Armin would be just as capable as Erwin. “Live without regrets.” “Hange, do you think we should just let him rest?” Levi’s eyes bore into their’s with a sincere gaze. He was searching for anything that would ease the pain in his heart. He didn’t regret his choice on that rooftop, but he would regret this one if Erwin was just going to suffer.

Hange’s eye darted about the room briefly. It wasn’t easy to carry the weight of a life on your shoulders, but Erwin had done it for so long. “I think,” they began with a heavy tone, “that if he chooses to keep fighting, we need to see this through to the end.” They took a slow breath in an attempt to quiet their mind. “Erwin has always trusted you the most, Levi. He knows you won’t hesitate to make the right choice, especially with his best interest in mind.” They paused for a moment. “I know how hard it is to say goodbye to somebody we care about it. But if he’s still breathing, we need to give him a chance. Erwin may never pick up a sword again. He may never fight again period. What he does next is anyone’s guess, but I wouldn’t doubt for a second that he would place his trust in you again if it came down to it.” Hange grabbed his hand and squeezed it comfortingly. “You did not fail him, Levi. You hear me? You did not fail him.”

“Neither did you, Four Eyes. You’re going to make a fine commander.” There was a hint of playfulness in his tone to offset the vulnerability inside his chest. Hange was always easy to talk to; thankfully, they had pretty good advice to give. He yawned gently, feeling a wave of tiredness pass through him. How long had it been since Erwin was rushed to surgery? Slowly, he felt himself doze off on Hange’s shoulder.

“You did not fail him.” Hange’s words replayed in his head as he rested. “I know,” his mind replied. “But am I failing him now? Did Hange and I condemn him to a life of pain and scrutiny?” The fears were realistic given the nature of Erwin’s job and the number of casualties that had followed him. Levi was prepared physically for the worst, of course. But was he prepared emotionally? Erwin aside, there was a whole new world for him and the rest of the scouts to explore. What adventures lay beyond the Walls were things Levi used to dream of. Now, he'd go out there and see everything, maybe even bring something back for Erwin. Erwin… his thoughts always drifted back to…

“Mr. Ackerman and Ms. Zoë!” a voice called, rousing Levi from his slumber. How many hours was he out? Hange was snoring lightly against him. He woke them with a slight elbow nudge. “Huh… what??” Hange sputtered, rubbing sleep from their eye. The receptionist guided them towards a pair of large doors where a nurse was waiting. They followed silently down a corridor of white walls, marked doors, and a cacophony of screams, grunts, and wailing. “Truly a place for smiley faces everywhere,” Levi thought bitterly, thinking back to the nauseating lobby décor. The nurse gave him and Hange cloth masks as they approached the door. “He’s very weak,” she warned, “and we want to ensure that he doesn’t get ill while he’s here."

At last, they entered a white room with a single bed. Cautiously, Levi approached with careful steps, his hand hovering over the railing. He heard a quiet whimper from Hange, who’d taken to gripping his arm for support. There lay Erwin Smith, pale as a ghost, tucked under a blanket. Swathes of bandages hugged the majority of his chest and his stump had a protective sleeve over it, most likely to keep the old wound from getting further irritated. His legs were also elevated, likely for some medical reason that Levi was not privy too. His golden blonde hair was mussed, and there was a light dusting of a stubble forming on his face. Bruises littered his face, especially around his eyes, and there were a few scrapes as well. Levi remembered how beaten and battered he looked on the roof, a far cry from his usual clean look. The boulder had done he majority of the work, but being partially crushed by your horse and face planting into the ground wasn’t exactly helping.

“Erwin…” Hange breathed as Levi watched, speechless. Both of them could see the very faint, but very much present rise and fall of the Commander’s chest. He was alive. Levi reached out, wanting to see those blue eyes flutter open or to tell him the good news that they had discovered the truth about this world. He wanted to tell Erwin that things were going to be very different now. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Was it his relief that kept him from speaking? Or was it his fear?

The sound of footsteps alerted the pair that the doctor had arrived. “Thank you both for coming,” he said, adjusting his mask. “Your friend was quite the soldier; it was a long surgery.” His more lighthearted tone fell away with the next sentence. “May I speak with you somewhere private? It’s important that you are aware of his condition.” Levi exchanged a nervous glance with Hange before following the doctor out to a private room a few doors down.

“Dr. Müller, pleasure to meet you both,” the doctor greeted, shaking both Levi and Hange’s hands. “I’ve been assigned to oversee your friend.” There was a solemn look in his eyes that Levi didn’t like. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you both; his condition isn’t looking too good.” He paused briefly, waiting to see if they had any questions. Levi sat frozen in place; he just wanted to get this over with. “By the time we got him into surgery, he was already in hypovolemic shock, meaning he’s lost at least 20% of his blood volume. We’ve seen to it that the wound was completely closed and that he will be closely monitored, but it’s going to take several weeks, maybe more, for him to recover. I applaud whoever did the emergency care though.” The doctor couple from Trost did indeed do a solid job changing the bandages and keeping the wound clean. “It bought up enough time to get him through surgery. In addition to the severe blood loss, he also has several broken ribs and internal bleeding from damaged organs. We were able to repair them, thankfully, but we need to monitor for any complications.”

Levi’s face paled. This was getting worse and worse with each word that came out of Dr. Müller’s mouth.

“Will he be alright after he wakes up?” Hange asked.

Dr. Müller rubbed his brow. “We won’t know until he wakes. Due to the severity of the trauma his body experienced, it might take weeks or months for him to wake up. Right now, his body is putting all its effort into healing. An injury such as this takes it time. You’re very lucky that you got him here when you did; most people I’ve treated with grievous injuries like your friend rarely make it past a day.” “Well, that was comforting,” Levi thought.

The doctor sighed heavily, another sign that Levi didn’t like. There was something else that the doctor hadn’t told them yet. “There is one other complication with his condition that I must speak with you about. When we were closing up the wound, we had to clean out several bone shards from the area.” His tone was low and grim. “Just spit it out already,” Levi’s mind grumbled.

“His pelvis and hip were completely shattered. I want to be completely up front with you when I say this: due to the severity of the damage he sustained, Erwin may never walk again, at least unassisted.” Levi’s blood froze.

“Erwin may never walk again.”

 “Erwin may never walk again.”

“Erwin may never walk again.”

The words echoed in Levi’s head like the pounding of a Titan’s footsteps. There was an audible slump from Hange as they fell back in their chair. So, that was it then? Erwin’s days as the Commander of the Survey Corps were officially over. What was Erwin going to do now? Become some sort of farmer? Live the rest of his days in a hovel off in Wall Sina? Live in a fancy, paid-for-apartment in Mitras? But the Commander was stubborn, and Levi knew that any attempts to keep Erwin away from whatever lay beyond the Walls would be near impossible. If that man had to drag himself all the way to the edge of this island, he would and there would be no stopping him. Next to him, Hange was lost in thought. “So…,” they began, “what happens next?”

Dr. Müller cleared his throat. “We won’t know the full extent of his condition until he wakes. Although it is likely he may maintain some mobility, I want to be realistic about what we may come up against. We will reassess him then and I will discuss with the nurse about aftercare plans. Until then, the only thing Erwin should be focused on is recovering. Do you have any questions pertaining to his treatment?”

Levi had none, except concerns over visiting hours. The doctor kindly explained the policies to which Levi nodded. Hange, of course, had too many questions. They asked about all sorts of things including aftercare and creating ways to help Erwin post-discharge. The doctor politely reminded them that all of that could be settled once Erwin awoke. “For now, if you wish to spend some more time with him, the nurse will direct you.”

Both nodded and were led back into the room after putting their masks back on and washed their hands. Everything had to be sanitary for Erwin’s recovery to be without complications. Not that Levi would complain, of course. Pulling up a chair, he stared at Erwin’s peacefully resting body.

“Hey Big Guy,” he said, feeling hot tears prick his eyelashes. “We did it; we learned the truth about this world, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it.”

…

            Days turned into weeks, and before anyone knew it, a whole month had flown by. Erwin still hadn’t woken up. That didn’t deter Levi from visiting him frequently. Some days, he talked to him about what was going on Paradis. He spoke about killing off the last of the Titans in Wall Rose, officially making their little island Titan-free for the very first time. He also spoke of reaching a place Armin referred to as “the ocean.” Levi described its color as blue as the sky itself and how it seemed to stretch on forever. Some days Levi would bring books to read to Erwin, hoping that eventually, those deep cerulean eyes would open. One time, he even brought Grisha’s diaries and read them, explaining to Erwin what had been learned from that basement.

            It wasn’t always Levi who visited, although it often was. Hange came frequently and would enthusiastically tell Erwin all the most recent developments from the Survey Corps and their world in general. They went on and on about how the civilian population reacted to the news that there were more people living outside the Walls. They spoke of their promotion and the ceremony held by Queen Historia. They also spoke of Eren’s strange behavior that day. “I fear there’s something he’s not telling us,” Hange explained quietly. “We’re all worried for him, especially Armin and Mikasa.”

            Hange leaned forward on their elbows and sighed heavily. “I don’t know how you did this commander stuff,” they admitted. “There’s a part of me that’s scared. I’m not afraid to dedicate my heart, but I’m afraid of letting you down. These scouts are all we have left. You should see them: they’re all so full of life and passion.” They chuckled at a memory. “Kinda like us when we were at that age. Do you remember, Erwin? When we were young and going beyond the Walls for the first time?” Erwin, naturally, said nothing, as an unconscious body tends to do.

“I don’t want to lose any more of them. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve had to sign so many death notices and had to deal with the politicians.” Hange reached out to hold Erwin’s hand and squeezed it for comfort. “Come back to us, please. But if you need to go, that’s ok too.” A tear slipped out of their eye. Hange didn’t often cry, but when they did, it felt like their heart was going to burst from their chest. Just how many of their closest friends had perished? “I’ll be here if you need me, Erwin,” they said. They were met with silence.

            When Hange and Levi weren’t visiting, Erwin received occasional company from Pyxis, Nile, and the rest of the Scouts. They all brought gifts, including flowers, cards, or sympathetic words. Erwin himself remained mostly unchanged except for whenever the doctor and nurse would rearrange him in the bed for comfort.

As a second month passed, Levi felt his hope waning slowly. Erwin lay peacefully, his chest rising softly against the white bedsheets. His undercut had grown since the battle and his hair curled around his ears. A scruffy beard had also grown in. Levi thought it didn’t suit Erwin, but what was he to do about it? Oh well, Levi would have words about it with Erwin once he woke. Some color had returned to Erwin’s face though, which Levi thought was a good sign. Maybe his body was finally recovering from the blood loss.

            “Oh Erwin,” he said, “you need to see the ocean; you’d love it.” “It’s the color of your eyes,” his thoughts added.

            Was Erwin ever going to wake? What if he was days from waking and the doctors just decided to end his life then and there in order to make room for another patient? Was leaving Erwin to rot in some bed solely due to the slight hope he’d recover even considered humane anymore? Whatever it was, Levi didn’t want to let go that easily. Hange had told him to give Erwin a chance and that’s exactly what he’d do. “Stubborn fool,” he muttered under his breath. “Always had to get the last laugh. Tch, not even Hange could manage that one.”

            He stood up and stretched his legs. As was his tradition whenever he left Erwin, Levi saluted silently and left without another word.

            It was that night, after Levi had contemplated Erwin’s condition, that something did happen. Several hours after the captain had left, a pair of cerulean eyes popped open. With a groan, Erwin Smith woke up in the middle of a dark room, body hugged by snug bandages, and a warm blanket tucked in around him. For the first time in over two months, Erwin Smith was awake.

…

When the nurses discovered the miracle that had occurred, there was frantic noise everywhere. Erwin’s eyes darted around the room, at the nurses poking and prodding him, at an older-looking man taking notes and nodding thoughtfully. And the pain… it was much worse than when a Titan had bitten his arm off. His whole left side felt like it was on fire, and it wasn’t a simple, uncomfortable pain either. No, this felt like someone had taken a white-hot piece of metal and stuck it to his skin. Every move he made, be it to adjust his position or lean slightly to one side, caused a sharp flare to race throughout his body. When he wasn’t experiencing the sharp pain, he was left in a very uncomfortable state of a constant burning.

It was way worse when the nurses came in to change his bandages. They’d position him in awkward angles in order to fully wrap the gauze around his torso. Erwin hadn’t even gotten a chance to glance at the stitched-up wound. How ugly was it? What was going to happen to him once he left? Where would he even go? As much as he tried to deny it, Erwin knew deep down that his days as the commander were over. An injury of this caliber was too grievous to heal without lasting damage. Would he even be able to walk again?

There already had been uproar over his return to service after he lost his arm. Although that situation was also partially due to the current parties in power trying to execute him for treason. Erwin knew that every single member of that council would’ve gladly seen him swaying from the end of a noose no matter what state he was in. It just so happened that this particular incident coincided with his recovery. But now, there was no surprise circumstance keeping him from fulfilling his role; Erwin was finished whether he liked it or not.

As he lay in bed with a book in hand (it was a brief moment of reprieve from the constant fuss of the nurses), Erwin’s mind drifted to Hange and Levi. He’d heard every word they said as he rested. So, there had been more people outside the walls… his father had been right. More importantly, his father didn’t die for nothing! A part of Erwin always knew his father had been correct, the circumstances behind Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie’s origins seemed to point in that direction. But to have actual, physical proof meant the world to him. That colossal weight that had pinned him down ever since he was a child didn’t feel as heavy as before. His father’s death had been his fault; nothing was going to change that, but perhaps Erwin could now live his life exploring the world his father never got to see. In a way, Erwin would be showing his father the truth through the many discoveries that were to come.

While he remained lost in thought, Dr. Müller came in and pulled up a chair. The doctor looked at him with a small smile, perhaps trying to soften the blow of whatever he was about to say. “Good morning, Erwin, how’re you feeling?”

Closing his book, Erwin sighed gently. “I’ve been better, I admit.”

“Well, you had a very long rest there. It’s a miracle you didn’t die from that wound.”

“So, I’ve been told.” Yes, Erwin had heard Hange and Levi’s reassurances that if he chose to “go,” he was more than welcome to do so. The words didn’t sting, but the sorrow in their voices did.

“Erwin, I want to be clear with you that you have sustained several life-threatening injuries and we will need to do some assessments in order to determine how far along in the healing stages your wounds are. There were many fractures and internal bleeding. Your organs were damaged, primarily your intestines. We were able to recover most of them, but I strongly encourage a softer diet from now on.”

Erwin could hear the tone of the doctor’s voice grow grimmer as the conversation continued. “What’s the worst of it?” He knew where this was headed; Erwin could handle the consequences.

“In addition to life-threatening blood loss and the trauma your abdominal region sustained, your pelvic bone and hip bone were also shattered. While we were able to recover the remainder of both bones and set them, there is a high chance that you may not regain the ability to walk unassisted. The trauma to the region is difficult to determine at this moment and we may need to operate again if there are underlying complications with healing. Do you understand?”

“I do.” He can definitely kiss his career goodbye. “So, what happens next?” What did happen next? Erwin was itching so badly to get out of that hospital bed and ride out to that “ocean,” he heard Levi speak of. He wanted to race out the door and see the truth for himself. He was tired of hearing about it. When would he actually live it?

“Well,” Dr. Müller said, wiping his brow. “Physical therapy is going to take up a big portion of your recovery once we determine you are strong and healthy enough. We need to assess how much mobility you have left and what percentage you will be able to regain. There are many side effects to a severe pelvic fracture, including back pain, difficulty walking, numbness to the area…”

The doctor rattled off complication after complication, which only worked to sour Erwin’s mood further. He was sick of this bed, and he was sick of being confined in these Walls. There was no doubt about it that Erwin would have to comply with the recovery plan or else he’d never get out of here. If only Levi and Hange would show up.

…

            It was early the next morning when Levi woke up to mail. Strange, the only mail he was ever used to getting were letters from Erwin summoning him to his office. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he tore open the note, scanning the document over and over many times. His fingers clenched, going white-knuckled. It couldn’t be… he had to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him.

“Erwin Smith is awake.”

            That singular line was enough for Levi to throw on the first presentable outfit he could find and bolt out the door. He raced as fast as he could, pushing through crowds of people. When he got to the hospital, Levi didn’t hesitate to barge past the receptionist and run to Erwin’s room. Breathing heavily, he stood in the doorway wide-eyed at the man sitting in the bed before him. Erwin Smith, tired and pale yet alive, stared back at him with a genuinely amused look on his face. “Hello Levi, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

            Levi wanted to cry. There, sitting right in front of him, was Erwin freaking Smith, that stubborn old fool who’d ridden off to hell in order to face the Beast Titan and had taken all the recruits along with him. The man with hair as golden as the sun, eyes as blue as the ocean itself, and words that could spin any topic into the greatest tale ever told was sitting right there, waiting for Levi to say something back. Instead, he scrambled to grab the nearby chair and scoot himself close to the bed. Sweat beaded at his forehead. Why was he so nervous? Was it because this was the man he’d ordered to die back in Shiganshina? And now that same man had crawled back from the brink of death itself and faced Levi once more? “Erwin…” was all that came out.

Levi could’ve said something clever or a genuine statement of how much he missed him. He chose to kick the bed and lament over how Erwin was a stubborn mess that Levi now had to deal with instead. Internally, though, his soul was crying out. Erwin was here, alive, and would probably never walk again. Had Levi dragged his friend back to hell just to make him suffer even more? Why couldn’t he just let him waste away on that rooftop? And yet, Levi felt his heart burst with relief when he saw his Commander alive before him. His face must be twisting in all sorts of expressions right now if Erwin’s teasing smile wasn’t any indicator. “You couldn’t help yourself, could you?” he asked. “Erwin, you’re alive.” A tear slipped freely down his cheek. Wiping it away, Levi didn’t realize he’d began to cry.

            Erwin chuckled, though there was a slight grimace from the pain. “Yes, Levi, I’m here.” The playfulness in that gleam was one of the most beautiful things Levi had ever seen. Two months asleep, and Erwin hadn’t lost an ounce of his charm. “Hey Erwin?” he asked as more tears fell from his eyes.

            “Yes, Levi?”

Levi’s mind went blank again. There were so many things he wanted to say. “You need to shave that thing off your face; you look too scruffy,” he finally replied, trying and failing to hide the immense relief he was feeling. But seriously, that beard needed to go.

Erwin reached up to scratch it. “Shame because I rather like it. I think it makes me look rather dashing, no?”

Levi’s face deadpanned. “I’ve never known you for vanity, Smith.”

“That bad, huh?” Erwin chuckled back, mirth in his voice.

“Worse.” Laughter was shared between the two, something that was rare for both of them. Erwin was always too consumed in his work or self-guilt, and Levi had long since shut out joyous emotions, wanting to dull the pain. But there were moments when laughter and warmth wormed its way into their miserable lives. Levi took a deep breath to settle himself, watching as the joy rolled off of Erwin. His eyes noticed the smaller details, the more he focused on the man in front of him. He noticed how his skin still hadn’t fully returned to its natural color. He saw how sunken in Erwin’s eyes and cheeks were from the lack of a proper diet. Perhaps the beard was doing Erwin a service after all. He noticed how Erwin’s body had lost a significant amount of muscle tone from lying in bed for over two months. That muscle wasn’t coming back either, not if Erwin’s mobility was going to be limited. Suddenly, those sparkling blue eyes didn’t look so bright anymore. There was a dullness that glazed over them; perhaps it was from sleeping for so long? Or the fact that he had had an extremely close brush with death? Maybe it was because of something Erwin wasn’t telling him. The corners of his lips slowly turned down.

“What’s wrong Levi?” Erwin frowned back; the joyous moment shared between them over.

“It’s nothing to be concerned about,” he replied.

Erwin tilted his head towards Levi, holding a firm yet thoughtful gaze. “Much has changed since you got into that basement, hasn’t it? I heard everything you told me, Levi, about Grisha Yeager, the truth about this world, the people living on the other side of the wall… I heard every last word. I hope to see it one day. And,” he paused briefly to get more comfortable, “I know how much has changed for me.”

“So, he told you?”

“About my injuries? Yes. Couldn’t even wait for me to get out of bed and take a proper piss first.”

Levi knew he was trying to lighten the mood surrounding the extent of his injuries. “Erwin may never walk again.” If only he could get those damn words out of his head. Did it scare Levi to imagine Erwin struggling every single day? Maybe. Maybe Levi had built up such an image of an untouchable Commander so that when Erwin did fall, it reminded Levi of just how human the Commander truly was. This was the man who’d been screaming at his soldiers to advance when he himself was dangling out of a Titan’s mouth. But when Erwin pulled Levi aside that day in Shiganshina, Levi was met with a very different man. This man was like a frightened child, and it was so unlike the Commander Levi had come to know over the years. To Levi, Erwin’s dream was childish, but there was an undeniable genuineness to it. And who was he to tell Erwin that his dream was the most foolish thing he’d ever heard of?

As Kenny once told him, they were all drunk on something. As the memory of his uncle's words came to mind, Levi was hit by a singular thought: was Erwin the thing he was drunk on? In the midst of all that was happening, that was the last thing Levi wanted to think about. He might as well take it and shove it up a Titan’s rear. There would never be anyone else like Erwin in his life and Levi knew it. Was it the guilt in his heart over what happened to him? Was Erwin’s current state his fault? Now that was a thought that haunted him.

“Hey Levi?” Erwin sensed that his companion was lost deep in his head. “We’ll figure this out. I’m not going anywhere until I see that ocean.”

“Oh Erwin,” Levi sighed, “I know.”

…

            Over the next few months, much changed for Levi, Erwin, and the rest of the scouts. Erwin was beginning to get stronger day by day as the fractured bones knit themselves back together. Although he was still hospital bound save for the occasional stretching exercises and grueling physical therapy, Erwin was never fully without company. Levi and Hange had made it their goal to watch over him whilst he recovered. They shared updates from Mitras and any exciting news from their adventures outside Wall Maria. There were good days, when all Erwin would do was sit back with a smile and listen to Hange’s exuberant stories or Levi’s descriptions of what the ocean was like. Levi himself was satisfied when the doctor finally allowed him to shave Erwin’s beard.

            “Happy now?” Erwin teased as Levi gently scraped the blade across his cheek. Ever since he lost his arm, he’d come to rely on his Captain for so many small tasks, be it the buttoning of a shirt or getting a clean shave. Not that Erwin couldn’t do it, but he’d rather not show up to an important meeting covered in small nicks. One day, he would master it.

            “Very,” Levi replied, finishing one last swipe. With an approving look, he turned Erwin’s face from side to side for one last visual. “There,” he announced. Levi stepped back to admire his work, and he couldn’t hide the look of awe on his face. Erwin, whether he admitted it or not, was still one of the most handsome men he’d ever seen with his chiseled jawline and deep blue eyes. His hair, on the other hand, was another matter; it was longer now, falling softly around his head, curling well over his ears, like a small golden crown. The pomade slicking it back had been long gone.

            “Yes, Levi?” Erwin’s face twisted into an amused smile. Of all the people in his life, it was Levi who held a unique place in the Commander’s heart. Levi wasn’t just his best solider, but his most trusted companion, and Erwin would be a fool to say that the bond between them was just that of friends.

            “Nothing,” Levi replied quickly. “Just go back to your reading.”

            “Ok,” Erwin said with a smile.

            Of course, there were bad days too, like when he received a very short but straight-to-the-point letter about his honorable discharge from the Survey Corps. Erwin shoved the dang thing aside after he read it; the government was finally relieved to get rid of him. Although how could they ever be fully through with Erwin Smith? Like it or not, his presence carried weight and the people who rallied behind him then would still rally behind him now. Not that Erwin was planning anything; no, he just wanted to leave the hospital and see the truth for himself, Levi and friends by his side.

Somedays though, the pain would become too great and Erwin would be writhing in bed, desperate for relief. Some nights, he’d wake up, drenched in sweat and fearing that he was back on that battlefield in Shiganshina. Other days, the nightmares would be about the day he lost is arm or when his father died. However, the worst ones always featured Levi, Hange, and the other scouts meeting their end to the Beast Titan rather than him. Their mangled and mutilated corpses would drag Erwin down with them, cursing him for the devil he was. Thankfully, those dreams had been far and few.

A more recent development though had been thoughts of self-loathing. Erwin wasn’t a stranger to those thoughts, unfortunately; they had been with him ever since he was a child. However, he’d learned to ignore them, particularly when pursuing his dream. Oh, how he wanted to see that ocean and show his father the world, but lately, as in the three weeks since he woke up, there had been a nagging voice in the back of his head that disagreed with his desire. And unlike last time, Erwin’s trick of conning himself into believing he was doing this for the “greater good” didn’t seem to be working.

“Your father is dead because of you and you think this will make up for it?”

“You should’ve died back there and you know it. A selfish coward like you only deserves death.”

“You deserve to suffer. Your dream tore you apart then and will tear you apart now.”

To battle these thoughts, Erwin hid his face in books and with lengthy conversations with visitors; anything to keep his mind quiet.

The scouts would visit every now and then as well. Armin, in particular, was the most nervous whenever he was in the room with the former commander. The blonde-haired teen constantly fiddled with his fingers and stammered over his words. Was he afraid of Erwin’s reaction to him being here? Was he afraid that Erwin blamed him for his injuries? Had Levi given Erwin the serum, then none of this would be happening right now. Erwin knew full well that a Titan shifter’s abilities enabled the person to heal from any injury, no matter the severity. Armin had been brought back from the brink of death itself because of it.

On one such visit, Erwin called out to the boy. “Armin, whatever it is you’re thinking, you don’t have worry. I’m not upset.”

The boy froze, his breathing stilling. He turned, his bright blue eyes matching Erwin’s. How alike they were… and yet so different. An uncomfortable pang beat in Erwin’s chest when he looked at Armin. The feeling felt like the gnarled brambles of a rose bush. But where the sharp thorns pushed deeper into Erwin’s heart, a rose bloomed from Armin’s. This kid standing before him had been able to sacrifice his dreams so easily for the sake of humanity, something that Erwin had failed to do repeatedly. He knew why Levi chose Armin and Erwin didn’t regret that one bit. But he couldn’t deny the uncomfortable reminder that Armin was here because he was able to be selfless rather than selfish. It wasn’t a flaw of Armin’s character or Levi’s; it was a flaw of Erwin’s and he knew it all too well. Erwin must’ve intimidated the boy even further with his steely gaze because Armin laughed nervously.

“I n-never thought that,” he stammered.

Please, this kid was an open book. “Armin.” Erwin sighed. “Whatever it is you have to say, I won’t be mad.” His eyes looked Armin over, at the way his uniform was perfectly crisp, the way he held his breath as if the words were ready to tumble out of his mouth.

Armin took a deep breath and began. “Commander,” he said, “I didn’t deserve this serum. You did.” Erwin noted the way his shoulders visibly drooped and his head hung a hair lower. “It should’ve been you who got a second chance. Everyone else thinks so. They need you out there.” “More than me” went left unsaid but was felt all the same.

“Everyone?” Erwin pressed. “Surely not your friends Yeager and Ackerman? Surely not Kirstein, Springer, and Blouse?”

“Well,” Armin mumbled, “maybe not everyone. But you’re still the only one who can lead us outside the Walls! If something happens, you can-” A sharp look from Erwin cut him off.

“Remind me,” Erwin said, “who was able to dedicate his heart for humanity despite having a dream bigger than this island itself? Who was able to throw everything away and save the rest of the scouts?”

Armin’s head shot up and he locked eyes with the former commander. His eyes were wide with nervousness. What was he getting at here? “P-pardon, sir?” he asked.

“Remind me,” Erwin repeated.

“I-I did, sir. I did it to stop the Colossal Titan from destroying everything.”

“Wouldn’t you agree that someone who was capable of such a feat, capable of dedicating their hearts, is also worthy of receiving such a power?”

Armin’s mouth opened, and yet, no words came out. Could he be hearing the Commander right? Was the Commander truly saying that he deserved this second chance because of his own capabilities and his sacrifice? Armin wasn’t the strongest nor did he consider himself the smartest, but he always held onto his beliefs and dreams. They carried him this far and would continue to do so now. Erwin gave an approving smile.

“That’s what I believe at least. Maybe you should too.” Erwin then gave a small gesture with his head. “Go find your friends; I’m sure they’re waiting for you.”

“Tha-thank you, Sir!” Armin replied, saluting, and ran out of the room faster than Erwin had ever seen that kid run. He knew Levi would tease him about “scaring children again,” but in Erwin’s defense, having words with the commander was never an easy conversation… unless you were Levi or Hange of course. Speaking of Hange… their assistance with Erwin’s recovery had been something he was truly grateful for.

*flashback*

A week and a half after Erwin woke up, the doctor announced he was ready to start physical therapy. “We need to assess how much mobility you still have and from there determine what the next best course of action is.” Erwin groaned; he was sick of all their poking and prodding. The day prior, he had doctors and nurses all over him, trying to gauge how well his pelvic and hip bone had healed. Apparently, it was well enough to warrant an attempt at walking.

            The day he was scheduled to start his first session, Hange had been with him and had insisted they come along. “How am I supposed to collect my own data if I’m not there?” they protested. Erwin couldn’t help but chuckle, knowing Hange, they were already trying to create something to make mobility easier for him. But there was a deeper meaning to those words: Hange wanted to be there for Erwin. They wanted to make sure he was doing ok. Dr. Müller, fortunately, allowed for Hange to tag along, though was less impressed by their excited whoop and fist pump in the air. As both Erwin and Hange both found out though, even simple maneuvering from the bed to the wheelchair was hard.

            The nurse helped support him, but that didn’t take away the fact that it was incredibly painful. His left leg barely made a budge and it wasn’t like Erwin wasn’t trying. The simple fact was that his weak muscles and shattered bones didn’t have the strength or ability to move as easily anymore, at least for the near future. Hange watched silently, their face falling quiet and empathetic. For Erwin, it was frustrating. He could do this! So, why did his leg barely want to move? “Hey,” Hange caught his attention. “Remember all the times we used to practice with the ODM gear? This is just like that. You don’t need to get it all in one swing.” Erwin smiled slightly, the tension cracking in his chest; they were right. It was his first time fully getting out of bed after all. Taking a deep breath, he made slower movements, gripping the side of the bed with his hand for extra support. The sharp pains shooting through the rest of his body had to be ignored for now if he was going to make it to the chair. Eventually, he was able to scoot himself into a better position to be transferred to the chair with help from several other nurses. While being wheeled out of his room, Erwin ducked his head to hide the way his face flushed red from embarrassment. It shouldn’t be this hard to move one leg.

            Hange rambled the whole way to the physical therapist’s office, filling Erwin’s head with stories of Titans and whatever other research they came across. It was definitely more interesting than the dull, white and brown paint job of the hospital or the unpleasant cacophony of noises that tormented his ears. When they arrived, the physical therapist greeted them with a comforting and warm smile. Not that Erwin had a choice being here, but a pleasant environment was better than none at all. The room was cozy enough, with muted white walls and portraits of landscapes filling them. At least something in this hospital had color. In the back of the room, a few chairs were lined up for people to sit and observe. The physical therapist had a small desk to herself near the front that was lined with paperwork, not unlike Erwin’s own. Opposite the desk, there was an exam table made for assessments and work on patients. Despite initially appearing small and cramped, the room made the best use of its space as possible.

Hange took a seat in one of the chairs near the back of the room, nodding their head to Erwin almost as if they were to say “it’s going to be ok.” Erwin gave a small nod back and turned his attention to the physical therapist.

            In great detail, she explained the process of her work and how physical therapy helped a person gain strength and build back their muscles over time. She warned Erwin that this would be a lengthy process, built on consistency and effort. Erwin was no stranger to that, though. The physical therapist continued on, walking through the various exercises and stretches she hoped would be critical to Erwin’s recovery. Erwin listened carefully, mentally noting everything she was saying. He was determined to get back up on his feet and not just to stand but to walk again and ride a horse all the way to the edge of this island. Levi would be there too.

            “Are you ready to begin?” she asked. He nodded. The first half hour mainly consisted of various stretches done on the exam table (which Erwin was thankful for its adjustable height. At least something made maneuvering easier). The physical therapist, whom Erwin came to know as Dr. Becker, was indeed very skilled with what she did. The stretches for his leg weren’t comfortable, but they didn’t cause any debilitating pain. And if they did, she’d stop, take a moment to reevaluate, and move on. Everything Dr. Becker had him do had its reasons, even if Erwin wished it didn’t hurt so much. But Dr. Becker also reminded him that it was going to be challenging in the beginning; both she and Dr. Müller were aware of the complications that followed an injury as severe as his. Nearing the end of the hour, Dr. Becker announced that she wanted to try standing up with Erwin.

            “We’re going to take our time with this, ok?” she told him. “If at any point, you want to stop or slow down, just let me know.” Erwin nodded. “You’re ready for this; you have to be,” his mind chided itself. Admittedly, there was one small worry that clouded his mind and it was regarding something that he had little control over: his arm or rather lack of. Putting any sort of pressure on his left leg was going to be near impossible right now, meaning he’d have to shift the majority of his weight to his right side. However, with his missing arm, he’d be terribly off balance, and as much as Erwin didn’t want to wound his pride, he’d rather not take another fall. Immediately, his eyes darted to Hange in a silent plea.

            Hange’s eye met his and widened with understanding. They didn’t hesitate to rush to his side, waiting on Dr. Becker for further instructions. In the past, it had always been Erwin taking on all the heavy burdens, rather than Hange or Levi. Erwin made sure that any last-minute paperwork got done, even when it was well past a reasonable bedtime. Erwin would stay up those extra few hours during expeditions beyond the Wall in order to make sure no danger caught them off guard. And it was Erwin who would always stand between his soldiers and whatever threat lay ahead of them. Hange and Levi did their part, while their Commander often went above and beyond. Now, it was Hange’s turn help carry that load. Erwin could also be intensely private and keep others out. That didn’t have to be the case anymore.

            Dr. Becker positioned herself on Erwin’s left side while Hange was on his right. Hange slipped their arm around Erwin’s back, holding him steady, while his stump rest behind their’s for the extra support. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. Dr. Becker counted down from three and with a gentle tug, Erwin was on his feet.

            The air seemed to leave his chest for a brief moment; Erwin hadn’t gotten out of bed in over two months, and now, he was standing again. Ok, maybe it wasn’t perfect as his left leg hovered slightly over the ground, but it was progress nonetheless. He took deep, heavy breaths, trying to process this moment. His body leaned heavily against Hange, grateful that they were there. Truthfully, he didn’t know what would’ve happened if he was alone with Dr. Becker.

            “How’re you feeling, Erwin?” Dr. Becker asked, her hand still supporting him.

            “I feel…,” he breathed, “I feel ok.” The physical therapist nodded at his words.

            “I’m going to ask you to lower your left leg,” she instructed. “We’re not going to put a lot of weight on it, but I need to assess the area.”

            Erwin sighed slightly; hadn’t she already done enough poking and prodding the exam table? Hange nudged him gently with their hip. “Hey, Commander,” they whispered. “You ok?”

            “Y-yeah,” he said. “Just breathe, Erwin,” he chastised himself. Slowly, his foot, snug in the white hospital-issued sock, brushed against the floor. He regretted his decision to go through with this the moment he even the slightest bit of weight on it; pain shot up his leg and through his hip, traveling like a burning flame across his body. Erwin gripped the closest thing to him, that being Dr. Becker. Meanwhile, Hange helped support the rest of his weight on his right. Truly, Erwin was grateful for his friend’s presence, but even with Hange there, he could feel the urge to reach out and grasp something in order to keep himself upright. Of course, that wouldn’t happen no matter how hard he tried; it didn’t stop his brain from thinking so.

            After a few minutes of standing, Erwin sat back down. Dr. Becker took down several notes and asked him a few questions. They were mostly surrounding where the pain was localized and how he felt when he placed weight on the leg. By the time the questions and explanations came to an end, Erwin found himself yawing and his body sinking into the wheelchair. It never really crossed his mind just how much of a toll doing an hour’s worth of physical therapy would have on his body. He was aware that his body had lost a significant amount of muscle yet acknowledging that information was a different story altogether. When he’d lost his arm, Erwin had been so determined to not his physical limitations set him back. But there were moments when he was reminded of just how fragile and human his body was. The great Erwin Smith, untouchable and unyielding, felled by a boulder just like the recruits behind him, now barely able to stand without his legs shaking. His mind was spinning its deadly words again; he would ignore it all the same.

            Hange remained for a little while longer once Erwin was settled back in bed. Dr. Becker had him scheduled to meet with her almost every day for stretching and exercises, hoping to get him walking within the next several weeks. She’d even arranged for accommodations to help with his offset balance. “What an adventure that was,” Hange said, offering Erwin a small smile.        

            “Thank you, Hange,” he replied with sincerity. His head leaned against the pillows, a tired sigh escaping his lips.

            “Ah, don’t worry about it. You focus on getting back on your feet. Otherwise, I’ll have to carry you over the Wall.”

            Erwin smiled at their humor. “In that case, you might as well get started.” Hange rolled their eye at him, an air of pure bliss beaming off of them. “How’s being Commander? You look like you’d rather stay here than go back out there.”

            Hange’s smile dropped instantly. Erwin was good at reading people; he always had been. Behind every word, every action, Erwin was searching for the little details that revealed to him something greater than what was given at face value. Hange didn’t fault him for that character trait because it was useful when dealing with the government. “I don’t know how you managed to deal with all of it, Erwin,” they admitted. “The paperwork is one thing, but dealing with Eren and all of those nosey people? Please, Titans were way easier than this.”

            “It’s the burden we carry; holding lives in our grasp like they’re our playthings while everyone else watches.” Erwin’s brows furrowed, his self-loathing digging its heels in. “Hange, at that time, I knew you were the right choice to lead the Survey Corps. You have the skill, the experience, and the will to dedicate your heart. And…” he paused for a brief moment, “you’re my friend. The Survey Corps wouldn’t be where it is today without you, and neither would humanity.” “And neither would I.” Erwin had friends, but none that he trusted more than Levi and Hange.

            Blinking, Hange rapped their knuckles against Erwin’s head teasingly. “Hello?? Erwin! Are you home? Some sappy imposter has taken over you!” Erwin was known to be generous with praise where praise was due, but sappiness wasn’t in the man’s repertoire and Hange had seen him drunk. He could be on the floor, completely red in the face, and still only manage the most straight-faced reply to a compliment.

            “I promise you it’s me, Hange,” he laughed. Erwin brushed his long bangs from his face, he definitely needed to cut his hair soon, and gave them a teasing smile. “I still know how to have fun, you know? I haven’t completely lost it.” “Haven’t you?” Ah, the self-loathing thought to accompany any good ones he was having, lovely. The laughter settled down eventually with Erwin letting out another yawn. “So much has changed,” he sighed. “And it’s only going to change even more.”

            Hange nodded. “Eren has changed a lot too,” they admitted. “I’m not sure how it was triggered, but he feels… distant. And angry… very, very angry.” They shook their head. “It happened at the ceremony after we returned from Shiganshina. When he touched Queen Historia’s hand, for a moment, it seemed like he was caught in some sort of trance. Ever since then, things have been different. He’ll get irritated quicker, even at Mikasa or Armin. And there’s a look in his eyes like…” Hange paused, thinking of a way to phrase it.

            “Like he’s pushing forward towards something only he can see,” Erwin finished. Hange’s eye snapped back towards him. “Precisely!” they exclaimed. “Sometimes, he’ll just stare at something and it’s like we weren’t even in the same room together! But he won’t say anything to us.” Erwin tilted his head curiously; even though they had Grisha Yeager’s diaries, the full extent of Titan capabilities was still a complete mystery. The diaries had brief mentions of the ‘Attack Titan,’ and it was mentioned that the nation of Marley had more Titans of their own, but that was it. They’d have to see this ‘Marley’ for themselves in order to fully understand the diaries’ words.

            “Perhaps Eren thinks whatever he saw is only a burden he can bear.” “You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?” his mind whispered.

            “He can’t tell us, or he won’t,” Hange muttered. “Either way, I don’t like this, Erwin. We’ve relied on him as humanity’s savior for a long time now. You don’t think he’d abandon us, would he? He knows he can talk to us.”

            Erwin pondered their words. Taking Eren in had been a risky move, especially back then. So little was known about Titans and the idea that a Titan would fight for humanity was unheard of. The fears that Eren would lose control and kill them all weren’t unreasonable. But he had come through for the scouts and humanity time and time again. Eren was hot-headed, passionate, but also determined and steadfast. “But even an outward appearance of loyalty can mask one’s true desires.” As Erwin had to come accept with his own nature, he knew that whatever changes were slowly happening with Eren were going to reveal themselves eventually. You can’t hide forever and one day, those desires would rear their ugly heads until the burden is too much to bear. One day, Eren would make his choice, and Erwin knew if he had to stop him, he would.

“What’s that head of yours saying?” Hange asked. “You’ve got that look on your face.”

“Hmm?” Erwin glanced over to his friend. “I don’t have ‘a look.’ I’m just thinking.”

“Just thinking?” Hange made a face. “Alright, mister Commander.” Through the window, the sun’s rays illuminated the room, reflecting off of Hange’s glasses. “I’m going to need to head home soon and finish some paperwork.”

Erwin smirked. “Too boorish?”

Hange slumped back against the chair. “I don’t know how you put up with it all; I can’t stand all the meetings and signing document after document. You know how many angry letters I’ve gotten, demanding the Survey Corps permanently disband or blame you for Shiganshina? It’s never-ending.” They groaned, looking down at the floor. “Erwin, I just want to get back out there and research Titans. I wasn’t built for this.”

“Might not be your strong suit,” Erwin agreed, “but you have the heart our soldiers need.”

“If you say so.” Hange and Erwin locked eyes one more time before the current commander of the Survey Corps got up to leave. “You know, if you ever need anything, let me know, alright,” Hange said on their way out. “You’ve fought so hard and for so long, Erwin. Now, let us fight for you.”

Erwin’s eyebrows raised slightly, but he nodded. “Hange!” he called back. They turned briefly. “Thank you… for helping me back there.” The two shared one last look before Hange left to go home.

Once he was alone, he sunk further into the pillows. Hange’s words about Eren hadn’t left his mind and likely wouldn’t. “You know, you and that boy aren’t too different,” the thoughts buried in the back of his mind whispered. “Look how far you went in Shiganshina. It ruined you; it ruined your body and it’ll ruin your mind too. Armin deserved that serum, but imagine what you could’ve done with it. Imagine what Eren’s going to do in the future.” Erwin grabbed his book to push the thoughts away. Eren had a heavy burden placed on him and Erwin acknowledged that. But would he truly go to the point where he was too far gone? Would he let himself be consumed by those dreams the way Erwin had?

“What pleasant thoughts to comfort me tonight,” he thought grimly. Book in hand, Erwin tried not to think about what was to come.

*end flashback*

            The physical therapy regimen that Erwin had been given over the next two months was intense yet incredibly helpful. Every single day, he’d attended hour-long sessions focused on strengthening his muscles and walking again. Over the course of that time span, Erwin had many visits, including that much-needed conversation with Armin. Levi continued to visit frequently, which Erwin was very happy about. He truly didn’t deserve people like Levi or Hange in his life. His sins weren’t worth that. And yet, he still was able to cherish these small, precious moments.

            Levi had even begun attending some of his physical therapy sessions, his watchful eye a comfort for Erwin. After about a week or two of his PT, he was taking his first steps again. Levi had been there for that session, and Erwin swore the Captain had shed a tear. His steps were slow and heavy, still relying on another person to support his right side. But it was progress nonetheless.

            “Look at you go, Big Guy,” Levi said with a warm smile. He was proud of Erwin, truly, and all the progress he made. Warmth bloomed in his chest whenever Erwin would flash him a happy smile, whether it was due to taking a few more steps than the previous day or being able to get out of bed by himself. There had been so much uncertainty in the beginning, especially regarding Erwin’s recovery. But little by little, Erwin had grown stronger and Dr. Müller was very satisfied with how things were looking. Throughout the recovery, the doctor pestered Erwin relentlessly about his pain levels and examined the wound site frequently. According to his examinations, the bones were healing as they should without major complications. That news was relieving to Erwin, who truthfully didn’t want to spend another several months being cooped up. It was music to Levi’s ears as well.

Although now heavily scarred and bearing a noticeable limp, Erwin’s future looked much brighter for the first time since he’d survived the battle of Shiganshina.

            And finally, after a long five-month, grueling recovery, Dr. Müller happily presented Erwin and Levi with Erwin’s discharge papers. Erwin was finally going to see the ocean. With a determined smile, Erwin walked through the doors of the hospital, using the hospital-issued cane he’d been given for support. As much as he’d hoped to walk without it, the cane was a helpful tool when it came to going longer distances. Additionally, Levi had moved to cover his right side, ready to catch Erwin if he stumbled.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Levi,” he said as the pair opened the door to the first-floor apartment room Queen Historia had secured for Erwin. There was a bed and small desk in one corner, a bookshelf in another. Everything about it was simple and well-put together, just how Levi liked it. But it certainly wasn’t cozy. Was Erwin going to live the rest of his life from this little room? The brown walls were so dreadfully boring and plain. Erwin walked in, his eyes taking it all in with a less-than-satisfied gaze. “Not quite as luxurious as I imagined,” he said, clearly unimpressed.

            “Clearly the government had favorites when dishing out housing,” Levi deadpanned. “This place has seen better days.”

            “And better lightning. I can barely see a thing in here.” Erwin went to open the curtains while Levi continued to stare at it. No, he decided, this simply wouldn’t do. Erwin might be comfortable for the short term while he transitioned back to daily living but definitely not long-term. “Oi Erwin,” Levi called.

“Hmm?” Erwin turned his head. “What is it, Levi?”

“How about we go on a little trip tomorrow? I got something to show you.” Levi knew that Erwin might not feel ready to go yet, but he wanted to treat him after his long recovery. Dr. Müller had officially confirmed that his bones were strong and stable enough for Erwin to finally go back out into the world. “But don’t take a fall,” he warned. “That area is going to be more susceptible to injury for a while.”

“Are you saying…?” Erwin asked, his mind putting two and two together. Was Levi actually going to take him to see the ocean tomorrow? Of all the things he had longed for since he woke up, the ocean had been near the top of the list. “Levi, I…” he limped over and grabbed the man’s hand. “Thank you, Levi!” Levi smiled, noting the pure excitement radiating from Erwin’s face.

“But first,” Levi said with a chuckle, “we’re getting you cleaned up.” Erwin didn’t complain while Levi went to draw a bath for him. The hospital had provided Erwin with worn but clean clothes, but they could only clean so much grime from his skin. Levi helped him get undressed, slowly pulling the shirt off as to not unsettle his balance. It was from the bathroom’s mirror that Erwin finally caught a glance at the scar on his side. It was huge, stretching across his skin from his ribs all the way to his hip. The skin around it was puckered and pulled tight in some places. Levi paused, seeing the sparkle leave Erwin’s eyes. “Hey, Erwin,” he called. “Look at me.” Erwin’s blue eyes met his. “I know it’s not the prettiest thing in the world, but you’re still here. You’re here, alive, with me, and we’re going to see that ocean tomorrow.”

Erwin appreciated Levi’s kind words, he truly did, but the scar was still a reminder of what the Beast Titan took from them. Hundreds of soldiers had been killed by the flying boulders; Erwin himself knew that he would also be killed if he went out there. But by some miracle, he had survived thanks to quick thinking of the surviving scouts. “I still see them sometimes, Levi,” he admitted as Levi helped him into the tub. The warm water felt good against the rough skin, soothing any aches and pains he had from his sore joints. Levi didn’t need to ask who “them” was; he knew. “There were days, lying in that hospital bed, when I wondered why I was still alive.” He recalled his conversation with Armin.

Levi didn’t say anything, beginning to rub the shampoo through Erwin’s hair. He was going to cut it after. “You’ve seen me for who I truly am, Levi,” Erwin sighed. “I am too far gone, and perhaps this is the punishment I must bear in order to atone for even the slightest of my sins. Armin deserved that second chance more than anyone; you made the right choice, Levi. I don’t regret what I did; I hope you don’t either.”

“Nothing can bring those lives back,” Levi agreed. “Maybe we are monsters; to the masses we certainly are.” His fingers continued to rake through Erwin’s scalp, tugging slightly on the blonde curls. “But you’ve also been given a second chance. You can either live it with regrets or you can choose not to. I don’t need to hear you crying ‘woe is me.’ You know the price of your actions; now, you have to pay it, whether you like it or not.”

“You’re starting to sound like me.” Erwin leaned further into Levi’s touch, enjoying the scalp massage he was getting.

“That’s the point, Smith.”

Erwin playfully splashed some water up at Levi in response. The Captain rolled his eyes and continued his work, moving to scrub Erwin’s body, not stopping until he was thoroughly satisfied. “And what even is that price?” he asked.

“Whatever you make of it. I didn’t get this position in order to boss you around.”

“No,” Erwin acknowledged. He brushed some of his sopping wet bangs out of his eyes. It was time to get out, but he wasn’t moving an inch until he was sure that Levi was ready to assist him. “But I’d trust your wisdom every time.”

“Erwin,” Levi said in a mock groan, “when’d you get so sappy?” The towels were all prepped for Erwin to safely exit the tub. His clothes and a stool so Levi could tidy up the blonde mop on his head were also sitting neatly to the side. “Come on, Smith. Can’t leave you with that hairy mess on your head.”

“Please, I’ve always been this charming.” Erwin flashed one of his signature grins, a twinkle in his eye.

Not even Levi could hold back a fond smile at those words. That was Erwin for you: ridiculously charming, suave, and incredibly articulate with words. He’d sweep you off your feet before you even know it. “Alright,” he replied, patting the stool. “Let’s finish this.”

Erwin, with Levi’s help, slowly got out of the tub and was bundled up in several towels before taking a seat on the stool. He caught Levi’s smile and felt a bloom of warmth light up in his chest. Levi rarely smiled, but when he did, it was mostly because of Erwin. Erwin liked his smiles; there was a gentleness to them that revealed the true empathetic nature of the Captain. So often, Erwin overheard stories from nervous young recruits about the infamous Captain Levi Ackerman, humanity’s strongest soldier. But once you got to know Levi, you’d be struck by how much he cared. That, and Levi had a nice smile, at least to Erwin anyway.

“Ok,” Levi said, pulling at the end of Erwin’s hair. The blonde strands now fell way over his eyes, much to Erwin’s disliking. Levi certainly didn’t think it was the best look. The rest of Erwin’s longer hair now framed his face, resting near his chin. The grown-out undercut still was slightly shorter but stuck out in odd places, curling at the nape of his neck. “Do you want to cut it the same way as before? Or do you want it slightly different?”

“You choose,” Erwin replied. He was fine with anything as long as it was out of his face.

“Suit yourself.” Levi got to work, expertly combing and cutting the blonde hair. Whenever it came to domestic tasks such as this, Levi more times than not took care of it. Hange helped out sometimes, but they often got lost chatting about their research and Titans. Before long, they’d accidentally go too short in some places.

“Levi?” Erwin asked. The negative thoughts that sometimes floated around in his head were whispering to him again. Normally, they judged him and reminded him of how much a selfish coward he really was. Now, they decided to prey upon his lack of purpose in the world. All things considered, it was a well-played hand on fate’s part: the man who helped lead so many to their deaths for the sake of a stupid dream now rendered incapable of pursuing that objective in the same manner as before.

“Yes?”

“What happens next?” All that excitement about seeing the ocean for the first time dissipated like a cloud of smoke in his chest. “For so long, all I’ve focused on was that basement that I never took the time to consider what came next. Everything I’ve ever done was to learn the truth about this world. And then, you told me to let it all go and I was relieved. Even though I was going to die, at least I could die choosing to be selfless rather than selfish. I didn’t have to carry even more deaths on my shoulders. I never expected to still be here. I know I promised to myself that I’d see this through for my father but… what happens when that’s all finished?”

“And you never had any other dreams, desires, things you yearned for but never got the chance to?” Levi paused to brush some blonde strands off of Erwin’s shoulders.

“I joined the military when I was twelve, Levi. The majority of my life was dedicated to my singular dream.” He sighed momentarily. “I mean, there was Marie...” Erwin’s eyes briefly stared down at the floor, reminiscing of the relationship that never was. Nile was a lucky man and more deserving of her than Erwin was anyway. “Maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in my dream, I wouldn’t be in this situation.”

Levi stopped cutting the hair, trying to process Erwin’s words. Twelve was a very young age to join the military and it was the minimum age for people to sign up. The military welcomed all kinds of young recruits: children who wanted to make a name for themselves, children with parents who were in the military, and orphans such as Erwin or Eren who had nowhere else to go. Levi knew Erwin’s father had been killed by the Military Police for asking questions he wasn’t supposed to and Levi knew that Erwin blamed himself for the whole ordeal. The root of Erwin’s pain and obsession stemmed from the fact that a curious child made an error and paid the price for it.

“Look at me, Erwin.” The man did, staring at him with pleading eyes for any sort of balm for the pain. “Your father’s death wasn’t your fault. Having a dream as simple as wanting to know what was beyond the Walls was not your fault. You were a child with an imagination bigger than anyone else.” Levi could’ve sworn he saw tears well up in Erwin’s eyes. “I know how hard this is for you; I saw that when you told me in Shiganshina. That obsession was hurting you; it was killing you inside and out. You’ve been carrying a weight all by yourself for so many years and I refuse to let you carry it alone anymore. Whatever comes next once we reach that ocean is whatever you make of it and I will be by your side every step of the way.

This second chance was given to you whether you like it or not. Perhaps you will stay here in Stohess. Maybe you will go somewhere in Wall Rose and live a peaceful life. You could start a family, even. I can’t tell you how to live your life, Erwin, but you now have the chance to explore what you want it to be.”

“I don’t want to live like I did before,” he heard Erwin whisper. “I want to reach that ocean so badly, but I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before Shiganshina.” Erwin himself knew how crushing his dream had been; it’s why he had to die. But now that Erwin had paid that price, he could begin anew.

“And I won’t let that happen,” Levi vowed. “I promise you that, Erwin.” Sincerity flashed through his grey eyes; Erwin’s widened with understanding and he nodded slowly, ignoring the singular tear that had trickled down his cheek. “Ok,” Erwin whispered. “Thank you, Levi.”

Levi got back to work in silence, the determination building in his chest. If it every came to it, he would make sure Erwin got the help he needed. He wouldn’t let his friend be driven to the same edge he’d been last time. Once he finished, he went to examine his work. Erwin’s hair was still parted neatly to the left side as it always had been, but Levi had made some adjustments of his own. The bangs in the front were a tad shorter than they had been before Shiganshina. In addition, Levi had seen fit to add some layers. Why not spruce it up a bit? He also added a low taper rather than the usual undercut. This was going to be a new start to a new life. When Levi finished, he made sure to also add in a quick shave. Erwin was not going to go back out into the world looking scruffy. “There,” he said. “All done.”

Erwin stood up from the stool and got dressed with some assistance from Levi. He went to the mirror, admiring his new look. He had to admit that the new style did suit him, and it was a nice change from the cut he had been wearing since he was a child. When it came to his looks, Erwin preferred simplicity. But Levi had done a nice job. He could still style it back too, something else he liked.

The rest of the day was spent resting and chatting about little things. Levi had managed to retrieve Erwin’s belongings from his old office and apartment, helping to put everything back in its proper place. “How many times have you read these?” he jested, having lost count of all of Erwin’s books as he sifted through them. “Not enough times to memorize them,” Erwin replied. Levi briefly glanced up to see the man going through his clothes. Most of Erwin’s suits and preferred white button-downs had been salvaged before the government decided to get rid of it. There was no sense in keeping things that belonged to a dead man. Unfortunately, Erwin’s scout jacket and cloak had been ruined during the Beast Titan’s attack and had been discarded not long after he’d been transferred to the hospital. At least the long green jacket with the Survey Corps’ logo was still preserved. Of all the worries Levi or Erwin had about transitioning back to civilian life, clothes weren’t one of them.

That night, Levi made the pair dinner, choosing to make a healthy meal of potatoes, green vegetables, some bread, and chicken. Erwin was ordered to have a softer diet from now on but a little chicken for protein wasn’t going to do much. Levi also knew he didn’t care for beans and the pair hadn’t bought eggs so chicken it was. Erwin had complimented his cooking efforts and leaned back against his chair. It felt too finally sit down and have a proper meal after spending months on either a pure liquid diet or eating the at times questionable hospital food. Erwin knew they tried their best, but he would’ve preferred Levi’s home-cooked meals any day. Actually, he would prefer Levi’s home-cooked meals period. His Captain had a knack for such things.

By the time bedtime rolled around, Erwin felt pretty worn out. He was barely out of the hospital and yet his body still complained as if it wanted to go back. Dr. Müller did warn him that this would be normal because he had just recovered from a severe injury. Levi went to leave, promising to be back in the morning when Erwin called out to him. “Wait! Will you stay with me tonight?” He didn’t want to be alone, especially not after spending so long in the hospital. Levi was a comforting presence in his life.

“Alright,” Levi agreed. “Move over Big Guy.” Erwin, without hesitation, made room. Levi crawled in, pulling the covers up. For a few moments, the pair stared at each other, soaking in all the warmth and deep appreciation and love one held for the other. “What’s your dream, Levi?” Erwin suddenly asked him. Levi’s eyes widened at the unexpected question. “When all of this is over, what do you want to do with your life?” He mulled the question over for a few moments. “I don’t think I’ve thought of it that much,” Levi finally admitted. He saw Erwin raise an eyebrow. “If I had to choose though, I’d probably own a tea shop. A peaceful life sounds quite nice.” “A peaceful life with you in it,” his mind added, though he didn’t mention that yet to Erwin.

“That sounds like a good dream,” Erwin replied, his eyes fixed on Levi’s.

“You think so?”

“A simple and peaceful life after all we’ve seen sounds very desirable indeed.” Levi could see Erwin’s mind hard at work again but chose to ignore it in favor of settling down for the night. After a few moments, Erwin yawned. “Goodnight, Levi.”

“Goodnight, Erwin.” With that, the pair dozed off, ready for their adventure to begin tomorrow.

…

            The following morning, Erwin woke up to aches and pains. His left side was incredibly sore and would likely be for a long time. Chronic pain was one complication he was warned about, and Dr. Müller had given him some treatment options should he so choose to pursue them. Groaning, he rolled over with effort to see Levi still curled up under the covers. That made him smile. However, today was the day Erwin would finally get to see the ocean, or rather, start his adventure towards it. Not even the fastest horse could reach Wall Maria from Wall Sina within a couple of hours. Coupled with Erwin’s injuries, he and Levi would be traveling at a much slower pace. “Morning Levi,” he whispered, poking Levi’s shoulder.

            Levi’s eyes blinked slowly and he swatted Erwin away, grumbling. “Couldn’t wait 5 more minutes, could you?” he asked with a sluggish tone.

            “We have a long journey ahead of us. I’m not missing out on any second of it.”

            “Go get ready Big Guy, I’ll be up in a few moments.” Levi buried his head in the pillows.

            Erwin nodded and went over to the small closet, cane in hand, to grab a fresh shirt and pair of pants. Despite his initial feelings, he was grateful to have the cane. Walking was still a bit challenging due to the severity of the injury. The cane simply offered the extra support.

            As Erwin got ready, Levi rolled out of the bed and went to start breakfast. He knew Erwin was excited and he hoped that the ocean would bring him that joy and satisfaction he was seeking. Erwin’s dream still weighed on him and Levi knew that things wouldn’t be as simple as “give up your dream and die.” Erwin was here now and would have to face the reality of what he sought. Although Levi had a feeling that Erwin would be mesmerized by the ocean, not just by its vastness, but also its color and the way it sparkled under the sun. Such beauty could only be witnessed to fully realize it. The sound of heavy footsteps in the doorway alerted him. Erwin was waiting for him, a warm smile on his face, and eyes that indeed sparkled like the ocean itself.

            They left shortly after with Levi managing to secure two horses. Their bags were packed and Erwin couldn’t help but be reminded of the good old days when they were scouts. When Levi glanced at the former commander, he could still see the old instincts return. Erwin had his held up high, eyes constantly scanning the environment around him. He rode near Levi’s side, but not too close as to ruin the “formation.” Erwin rode with authority; he rode with pride. Levi followed protocol as well as the next soldier, but no one could match the Commander in that regard. It was all a part of Erwin’s unyielding and impenetrable nature.

            Riding through town, Levi picked up on the surprise gasps from people. This was Erwin’s first time being out in public again; of course, there would be shock.

            “Is that the former Commander?”

            “Curse that man. He should’ve died.”

            “I don’t understand why they’re still keeping him around. The Captain should’ve put him out of his misery while he had the chance.”

            “Wish they would hurry up and execute that man. They botched it the first time.”

            “Thank Maria, Rose, and Sina; he’s alive!”

            “The Commander is alive? I thought he perished?”

            The words coming from the townsfolk weren’t the most cheerful, but Erwin rode on, stone-faced. He had more important things to worry about than his already tarnished image. That image had been stained and spat on a long time ago, first when he became the Commander of the Survey Corps and later when he’d led the troops to their deaths in Shiganshina. There was no saving it anymore. “Look at them. These are people with children whose lives you helped snuff out. And you think you deserve the ocean? You think you deserve someone as generous and kind to you as Levi?” Ah, the dark thoughts had returned to haunt him. Erwin might not have cared for his image, but he did care about the lives he had led to ruin. His selfishness had seen to it that so many of those lives were lost forever.

            “Hey.” Erwin heard Levi’s voice cut through his thoughts. “You, ok?” Erwin stared back, keeping a steady face. “Y-yeah, I’m alright.” Levi’s face didn’t look satisfied with that answer. “Let’s continue.” Erwin nudged his horse forward, headed towards the gates. Levi followed suit, though he took half a second to recollect his thoughts. This was Erwin’s pattern: he would be so enthusiastic and determined about something only to come to a crashing halt when things inevitably got messy. External conflicts were no match for the former commander, but internal conflict was what ultimately got to him. Erwin did it with the basement, and he was doing it again with the ocean.

            The thing was, Erwin had given up his dreams to die with his soldiers. It was the perfect “end all” solution in that moment when the hefty weight of a lifetime of questionable choices, death, and deep inner conflict reared its ugly head. Nobody expected Erwin to survive, not even Erwin himself. Just because the man had been free of that weight momentarily didn’t mean that he was suddenly free of all the trauma and misery he’d suffered. Levi understood that Erwin’s return was going to come with its own fair share of consequences. Right now, those consequences showed themselves in the form of that self-loathing and misery Erwin carried with him. Only this time, Levi was prepared. He would get Erwin to that ocean and he would help his Commander let go of all that pain he still carried. A fire ignited in his heart as they rode on. He remembered the promises he made to Erwin, not just to kill the Beast Titan or let him go peacefully, but to keep him from reaching that state of collapse again. And Levi would rather be turned into a Titan than let Erwin get to that point again.

…

            Before he knew it, Levi was at riding towards Wall Rose, Erwin by his side. The pair galloped at a steady pace, only going as far as Erwin’s pain would allow them. Straining a bad leg was never ideal and Erwin had remained patient to his credit.

            Erwin closed his eyes gently as they rode, feeling the cool breeze sift through his hair. The warm sun guided their journey by day while the soft glow of moonlight illuminated their campfire. Levi and Erwin would take turns doing night watch while the other rested. It was almost like the good old days again. “I missed this,” he sighed happily, galloping across the swathes of green fields that made up the land between Wall Sina and Wall Rose. They were reaching Trost District where they’d stop for the night. Levi had wanted to say hello to Max and Lily. And then, they’d travel to Wall Maria… past Shiganshina. Levi planned to just skirt around the district entirely. Neither he nor Erwin needed to be reminded what had transpired there.

            In Trost, they were welcomed by Max and Lily, the couple who’d taken them in when they first arrived back from Shiganshina. Smiles on their faces, they were glad to see that Erwin had made a successful recovery and thanked Levi for the Survey Corps’ work in killing off the last of the Titans that lived in Wall Rose. Everyone had a pleasant evening, chatting over a delicious home-cooked meal and well-preserved bottles of wine. Max and Lily even offered to let Erwin and Levi stay the night, something both were incredibly grateful for, Erwin in particular. Levi had told him about the folks who’d saved Erwin’s life and helped him get to the main hospital in Stohess. “I owe them a great debt,” he said to Levi as they settled down for the night. “I owe them too,” Levi agreed. “For saving you.”

            By morning, they’d thanked Max and Lily for their hospitality and kindness, and began riding out to Wall Maria. Thankfully, the Garrison had let them use the lifts to get over the Wall. “Hey Erwin, aren’t we headed towards Shiganshina?” Levi called as they set out. “Why don’t we just swing back and travel through one of the other outer districts?” Levi planned on avoiding it entirely.

            Erwin gave no answer, only continuing onward. There had to be a reason, but Levi didn’t want to get into an argument about it right now.

They’d been riding for almost a week now, taking their time due to Erwin’s bad leg. Riding at a fast pace wasn’t easy on the recently healed bones and sometimes, stretching in the saddle caused uncomfortable tugging on the scars. He was just fresh out of the hospital, but it didn’t matter when the ocean was in his sights. He and Levi galloped over hills, through villages, past trees, and even passed the infamous Titan Forest. So many lives had been lost there, including Levi’s special ops squad. Levi had mourned all four of them after returning from combat with the Female Titan. Erwin remembered sitting with him quietly as Levi’s fingers brushed over four new headstones. Fresh flowers and tears decorated the graves and although neither were new to grief and loss, it didn’t lessen the pain.

            “It’s hard to believe how many battles we’ve fought out here,” Erwin said casually, the wind whipping through his hair. “We’ve lost so many good soldiers…”

            “Yeah,” Levi agreed, slowing down his horse to keep pace with Erwin. “We knew so little back then.”

            “There was a whole other world waiting for us and we had no idea,” Erwin continued. “It’s hard to believe that months ago, we thought that Titans were the only thing out there.”

            “Tch, you always thought differently, Erwin. You knew deep down that there was something greater than Titans that existed beyond the Walls.”

            “But I never had any proof.”

            “Now, you do,” Levi smiled. Erwin shot him a grin back, those eyes full of wonder and excitement. They were getting closer and closer.

            Levi took a deep breath in of fresh air, enjoying how he felt riding upon his horse. He loved the ODM gear, but sometimes a simple horseback ride with a friend was even better, especially when that friend was Erwin. Erwin… Levi glanced at the former commander; the man was so relaxed-looking, riding towards his dream. What even was their relationship at this point? It certainly wasn’t just friends or Captain and Commander. No, what they had was more than friends; it ran deeper than that, much deeper. Was Erwin aware of it? Over the last several months, Levi realized just how much he loved Erwin. Everything about the man stood out to him: his larger-than-life image, the way he held himself, his charisma, the way he could spin any tale, the passion he’d get when telling Levi about his theories, those beautiful, ocean-blue eyes… Of course, Erwin had his not-so-great qualities as well. The man was an absolute gambler, and it did scare Levi sometimes because of how risky the former commander would play his hand. He was also very stubborn and had a hard time backing down when he perceived something as absolutely necessary for their cause. And of course, there was his selfish side that had finally been revealed to Levi in Shiganshina.

            It had hurt Levi when he realized that there was a significant part of Erwin who had put himself above humanity, especially at the cost of so many. In a sense, Erwin had fooled them all. But the man was human in the end. He made himself out to be a devil for the world as to not let his comrades shoulder that burden, but it was his humanity that Levi never let go of. Erwin had desires just like everybody else. Needless to say, though, Erwin was a complex person whom Levi had grown to love and appreciate over time.

            Levi himself was a mostly closed book, similarly to Erwin. He deeply cared for his comrades but wept in private. He was incredibly loyal and dedicated to the lives of the people around him, as were many of the other veteran Survey Corps members. He secretly did enjoy the antics of his comrades and the young recruits although his face barely showed it. But Erwin knew. So did Hange.

            Lost in his thoughts, Levi continued onwards.

Erwin slowed to halt; his eyes widened when he stared at Wall Maria. “Erwin?” Levi called, riding up over to the man. The battlefield where the Beast Titan had struck his killing blows lay before them. Months and months had gone by, but the land hadn’t been formally restored yet to its former glory. The remains of destroyed houses and buildings still lay on the overgrown grass while Levi could barely make out dark stains against the Wall. His eyebrows raised slightly; blood, he realized, still painted the Wall, even though it had been months. But that was not even the most sickening part.

            The contents of breakfast and lunch were threatening to come up when Levi and Erwin’s eyes stared down at the field before ruined buildings. In the overgrown grass, the pair could still make out remains of skeletons from the brutal battle that had taken place. Levi knew he and Hange had traveled back to collect the bodies of their fallen comrades, but in the process, some were missed or were missing pieces. That had been the most difficult part to swallow. The horses, unfortunately, had been left behind as the cart could only carry so many bodies at once.

            Erwin breathed in slowly as he stared at the ruins before him. This was all that remained of the massacre that had taken place that day in Shiganshina, a massacre he led. “Look at the wake of your destruction,” the thoughts said. With a hardened gaze in his eyes, he pushed forward, the ocean being the singular thing he was trying to focus on. Levi watched him march along the Wall. Erwin didn’t think nor did he want to; he could feel his side flaring up as the memory came back to him.

            “MY SOLDIERS RAGE! MY SOLDIERS SCREAM! MY SOLDIERS FIGHT!” Erwin cried out at the top of his lungs, racing towards the Beast Titan at a faster and faster speed. He was barely hanging on to the horse at this rate, and his hand gripped the reins for dear life. But that didn’t matter; it was all going to be over soon. If not the first bombardment that would come at them, then the second, or the third. He would die; only question was when. You wouldn’t know it from the way Erwin triumphantly declared his speech, but he was so scared. What was it like to die? Would it be painless? Would he be in agony? Where would he end up? He was about to find out. A part of him still fought for his dream, but Erwin was happy he could finally dedicate his heart without feeling like a fraud. As he raced towards his death, Erwin felt a mix of feelings, including relief, fear, and gratefulness towards Levi. That man had set him free.

The boulder tore through his waist like a sword slashing across a Titan’s nape. It all happened so fast that Erwin didn’t even have time to process it. One moment, he was riding triumphantly forward, the next, a large boulder was hurtling towards him and ripping his insides apart. He fell forward, his face colliding with the ground while his body had been partially crushed by his horse. Too weak to move and in too much pain to process anything else, Erwin sighed and accepted his fate. It was all going to be over soon.

“Erwin? Oi, Erwin! Erwin… come back to me Big Guy!” Erwin’s mind came back to focus as Levi was shaking his shoulder. “L-l-Levi!” Erwin stuttered, slightly shocked and confused. “What happened?” The awareness of his environment came back to him; they were riding away from Shiganshina, headed towards the western-facing outer district.

“Your mind went away somewhere,” Levi explained. Erwin didn’t like the way his companion’s voice trembled. “You just kept riding forward, even when I was calling your name. Are you ok?” Those grey eyes flashed with concern and nervousness.

“I… uh….” Erwin didn’t really know what answer to give. Instead, he met Levi’s gaze and remained speechless. There was a mixture of horror and sadness written across Levi’s face, highlighting the Captain’s hidden pain. But Erwin didn’t know what to tell him.

“Let’s get out of here,” Levi finally said after a moment, filling in the blank void within Erwin’s mind. “The souls who died here don’t need to torment us anymore.” Swallowing uncomfortably, Erwin nodded and followed suit. Not a word was spoken as Erwin and Levi continued onward, leaving the ghosts of Shiganshina behind them one final time.

…

            Their journey was coming to an end soon; by Levi’s calculations, they had a three day's travel to the ocean. Not too bad for a pair of traveling companions. They’d stopped in the outer western district, resupplying their food and water and getting a good night’s rest. Unlike Shiganshina, people had slowly begun to move back in, making the once vacant town lively again. After a night of perusing the town, Wall Maria was now officially behind them, as the last leg of their journey began.

However, neither Levi nor Erwin had spoken to each other since they left Shiganshina. Levi wanted to leave those awful memories behind him, but he knew Erwin’s mind was elsewhere. Why hadn’t they traveled through the other districts and avoided Shiganshina altogether? Why did Erwin want to travel back to Shiganshina specifically?

The final night of their journey, Levi tended to the crackling campfire when Erwin spoke, “I’ll tell you why we went back to Shiganshina.” The Captain froze at those words. “Erwin?” Why now? Why had he waited three days to tell him?

“I had to see it for myself,” Erwin admitted. “I wanted to. I needed to.” His eyes were downcast, never a good sign.

“And why didn’t you say anything?” Levi didn’t like the implication that Erwin was hiding things again.

“I think a part of me wanted to just get it over with, to see the place where I’d died and move on. When I was in the hospital, I had so many dreams of being back there. I dreamt of losing you and Hange.” Erwin’s eyes were heavy with sadness.

Levi listened intently, taking in the former commander’s words. He winced from a sharp sting in his hand; he looked down to see splinters from the stick he’d been using to poke the fire, his fingers in a white knuckled grip. A sigh escaped him; Erwin may have healed physically, but his mind was still recovering. It was true that everything had changed that day: the truth about this world, Wall Maria finally being taken, Erwin’s final stand… “And how do you feel now?”

“I don’t know; my mind is still trying to process it all. You set me free that day and for that I am grateful. It doesn’t change what happened, but…” he trailed off.

“You never expected to still be here,” Levi finished; they’d had this conversation the night before they left on their journey. But where that conversation was regarding Erwin’s future, this was about him coming to terms with every action that had led to that final charge. Levi dropped the stick, taking a brief moment to tug the splinters from his hand, and scooted over to Erwin. The man was cross-legged on his bed-roll, hand fiddling with some grass. Making sure he was eye level with Erwin, Levi cupped his face. He knew Erwin needed to hear this.

“What happened in Shiganshina is in the past now. I told you what you needed to hear that day because you and I both knew it was the only way we could defeat the Beast Titan. And I wasn’t about to let you live the rest of your life in regrets or misery. But things are different now. I can’t make you forgive yourself for all of those deaths, nor can Hange or Pyxis or anyone else in the entirety of this world. That has to come from you. All I will say is that this self-destructive cycle of yours needs to stop. I hear every word you’re saying, and my heart aches every time.”

He took a breath before continuing. “I see the way your demeanor shifts when those thoughts return. I see the pain in your eyes and the weight of the burden you carry. You hold on to so much Erwin and it’s killing you slowly. I don’t even know if you fully realize it or not. But tomorrow, we are going to see that ocean. You are going to see that ocean. If you can’t see that ocean for yourself, then see it for your father and for all of those lives that were sacrificed. Show them what we’ve fought so long and hard for. And before you say anything, because I know it’s in that thick head of yours, your father’s death was not your fault.”

“Wasn’t it? None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t.”

Oh, for Maria’s sake! They were back at this topic and Levi’s heart was about to burst. “Erwin, you were a child! You didn’t know any better! You were a young, curious, innocent child! I know it hurts; it hurts so freaking bad, and some days, it feels like the pain will never stop. But you can’t live your life in the past! From what you’ve told me, your father loved you. Your father loved you so much, and I know he wouldn’t want you to continue… whatever this is. Your father didn’t die because of you; we all make mistakes. Your father died because bad people chose to keep humanity further from the truth. You had no idea that this would happen. Do you hear me, Erwin?” Levi’s voice was firm and clear, punctuated to emphasize his sincerity. “Do you hear me?”

Erwin’s eyes glistened with tears. “Yes, Levi,” was all he said. Levi himself was near tears as he watched the expressions on Erwin’s face change from surprise to grief to self-loathing, and then to a more neutral, heartbroken look that seemed to finally take in Levi’s words and acknowledge them.

“You dedicated your heart that day in Shiganshina, Erwin. You knew that you couldn’t carry that weight anymore, so you asked me to make the choice for you. You chose selflessness over selfishness. All of our comrades watching over us saw that. They know, Erwin, they know.” Levi’s finger moved to brush away a stray tear that had freed itself from Erwin’s deep blue eyes. “And I’ve told you before and I will tell you again and again and again… as many times as you need to hear it: I will not give up on you Erwin, we will figure this out, I promise you that.” Levi let out a deep sigh, feeling his body deflating with all the emotions that he was holding on to. He let his forehead rest against Erwin’s, hoping his presence would comfort the man before him. Erwin responded, wrapping his arm around Levi and holding on like he was his last lifeline.

The moon was the only witness to the scene that just unfolded between the two of them, its soft glow unjudging and comforting. Levi knew he was exhausted and he could tell Erwin was too. As they broke apart, he offered to take first watch. “Get some rest, Big Guy,” he whispered. “I’ll be ok for a few more hours.” Erwin nodded silently and let the gentle embrace of sleep take him.

By the time it was Erwin’s turn to watch over their campsite, he felt a tad lighter. His thoughts were his ever-present companion, per usual. Hopefully, they’d be kinder to him in these last few hours of nighttime than they had the previous day. Levi was right, and he knew it. At some point in his life, Erwin would have to let go of all the guilt and shame. Dying on the battlefield of Shiganshina was the first time Erwin truly felt weightless of his sins. For once, his heart, mind, and actions were aligned with each other in a way that didn’t make him even more of a fraud than he already was. But he guessed that someone on the other side must’ve thought that Erwin deserved this second chance. This time, he would have to live with his choices and come to terms with them. There was some doubt sprinkled in with his thoughts, so unusual for the once proud commander.

Levi spoke to him with such conviction in his words, and Erwin held on to every one of them. Deep within Erwin’s soul, he felt a strong pull towards that freedom from his guilt and shame. He yearned for it, craved it, just like he did the ocean or that basement. The desire to carry on without that burden was so irresistibly strong. Yet, the tantalizing offer of the ocean and the truth about the world held an equally firm grip. Erwin knew back then that those dreams clashed with each other ferociously like two Titans. Neither could fully coexist. Now, he wound up in a situation where he could finally live for himself and craft his own dreams without sacrificing all of humanity.

Eyes scanning the darkness of the forest, his mind drifted back to his father. Oh, how Erwin longed to see his father and tell him how sorry he was for his ignorance. He wished his father could be here in person to see this marvelous discovery. “Perhaps he already knew he was right,” he thought to himself. “Perhaps you also knew yourself.” That certainly was a more comforting thought. 

“If you can’t see that ocean for yourself, then see it for your father and for all of those lives that were sacrificed.” Levi’s words replayed in his head, and the feelings of grief and guilt gnawed at Erwin’s heart. “You’re so close,” he said to himself. “Tomorrow, you’re going to see the ocean, just for your own sake or the sake of your father, but you will see it for Miche, Moblit, Nanaba, and everyone else who died dedicating their hearts.”  Yes, he would see the ocean for them. Erwin knew he didn’t deserve their forgiveness, but he hoped that one day he could be worthy of it. And maybe one day, he could be able to forgive himself the way Levi had been able to do. He glanced over at his sleeping companion, a small smile working its way onto his face. Levi Ackerman… the man who remained Erwin’s pillar when everything else seemed to come crumbling around him. The man whom Erwin cared for and trusted more than anyone else in the world.

…

            Morning came with a bright shining sun and the chirping of birds. This was it… today, Levi and Erwin would finally reach the ocean. Erwin was a nervous wreck, stumbling over himself as he packed up his bag. Levi threw him a playful smile and offered to lend a hand to which Erwin greatly appreciated. “Sleep ok, Big Guy?”

            “I tried. How about yourself? Did you find the ground comfy?”

“Erwin, a Titan is more comfortable.” The twinkle in Levi’s eye cued Erwin in to his joke. Smiles and laughter were shared between the two as they ate breakfast and finished packing.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Erwin said as he closed the last of his bags. “I should’ve told you sooner.”

“You needed time to process it all,” Levi sighed. “It wasn’t easy for me to go back either. But it’s in the past now.”

            Erwin nodded in response. One day, he would get Levi’s side of the story; the Captain was also harboring many unspoken thoughts and feelings. Limping over to his horse, Erwin took several deep breaths, his stomach tossing and turning in knots; he couldn’t believe this was really happening. It felt almost like a fever dream. Once he had finished with his supplies, Levi joined Erwin, helping the man onto his horse. With a shared nod, the two were off.

            The ride itself was not very far, maybe an hour at the minimum. The weather was absolutely perfect for riding, and without any Titans in sight, Levi and Erwin were due for a safe journey with no troubles. A cool breeze rustling their hair was a nice addition as well.

            Erwin’s stomach was still giddy as the ride continued, as if he was waiting for someone to pinch him awake from the dream he’d been having. They were almost there; he could feel it. Finally, something vast and blue came into view. Nudging his horse into a faster gait, Erwin’s heart pounded furiously in his chest. Behind him, he could barely hear Levi call out to him. Erwin pushed forward, the ocean getting closer and closer. He was almost there! It was right in front of him! He just had to reach out and… his horse came to a skidding stop at the edge of the cliffside.

            Erwin’s breath stilled as his eyes took in the full view of the ocean. With difficulty, he dismounted, feeling his body tremble underneath him. The ocean was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

            Its color was a rich blue, just like his eyes, and the surface sparkled like a thousand gemstones from the shimmering sun. It seemed to stretch on forever, expanding far past the eye could see and over the horizon. Erwin was mesmerized. With slow movements, he went to his knees, feeling warm tears pool in his eyes. This beautiful sight was what the Walls had been trying to hide. Just how many things were out there that were as captivating as the ocean before him? How many breathtaking wonders were kept from them because of the Walls and Titans? No image in a book or words off a page could fully capture the true beauty of what was right in front of him.

            “Are you seeing this, father?” he asked aloud. He didn’t even make a move to hide the sob that escaped him. “Are you watching everyone?” Erwin took in a shaky breath. “I-I made it, for all of you. And I’m so sorry you couldn’t be here in person. I am so sorry for my selfishness and how it got you all killed. I am so sorry for all of it.” Tears were flowing now. His whole body felt like it was about to collapse from the intensity of emotions inside him; simply put, he couldn’t contain the overwhelming wave of grief, joy, and guilt, and acceptance that overtook him.

            Running forward, Levi ran to catch Erwin who had fallen to his knees in wailing sobs. These weren’t sobs coming from a place of simple joy; they were rooted in something much deeper. Gathering Erwin in his arms, Levi gently carded his hand through the man’s golden blonde hair. Erwin buried his face into Levi’s shirt, finally letting out all of the pent-up agony he’d been holding on to. The loss of his father, the thousands of lives he’d led to their deaths, the lies he told himself, finally seeing what was beyond the Walls… it all came tumbling out in heartbreaking wails. His hand gripped Levi’s sleeve tightly while Levi’s arms held him fiercely and firmly. Levi’s heart rang with endless compassion for the man sobbing before him; it didn’t matter how long they were going to sit here like this because Levi was going to hold on for as long as Erwin needed him to. Speaking of, Erwin needed this; he needed to finally have a space to truly let go of all that pain. Before was Shiganshina, now it was the ocean. Levi rocked him gently, whispering words of comfort into his hair. “I’ve got you, Erwin. You’re safe, let it all out. I’m right here. It’s going to be ok.” Levi would be lying if he denied the fact that his own eyes had begun to water up, his tears now mixing with Erwin’s. “That’s it, Erwin; I’m right here, I’m right here.”

            Erwin didn’t know how long he held Levi, but he didn’t care. He felt the strong arms wrap around him and pull him close, giving him the silent ok to let everything go. And so, Erwin wept. He wept for the first time in what felt like years. He hadn’t even shed a tear at Shiganshina when death truly stared him in the face. The last time he’d cried like this was maybe when his father died. After that, he’d vowed to make his father’s dream a reality and never again feel that intensity of pain and suffering. The Survey Corps only offered pain and suffering, unfortunately, except for the small glimmers of light in which faces such as Levi, Hange, Mike, and more inhabited. They lit up Erwin’s darkened world, particularly Hange with their larger-than-life personality, and Levi, whom Erwin believed truly embodied the Wings of Freedom that embroidered the backs of their uniforms. But here, sitting on the edge of the cliff by the ocean, Erwin couldn’t hold it in any longer.

            He heard every single one of Levi’s gentle words and clung to him for support and comfort. The more he sobbed and poured his heart out, the lighter the weight in his chest got; he needed this moment. Erwin needed the space to truly express how he felt about his grief and guilt. Here it was in Levi’s arms with the ocean as his witness.

            They sat together for what felt like hours, Levi letting Erwin have this moment to be open and raw.

            When Erwin’s tears began to calm and he began to pull back from the embrace, he shared a soft smile with Levi. “Thank you, Levi,” he whispered. “Thank you for everything.”

            “You’re welcome, Erwin,” the Captain replied, forgoing his usual jest for something more appropriate for the setting. Erwin poured his heart out; it was not the time to poke fun at his sappiness. Besides, there were plenty of other times and more to come where Levi could tease his Commander. Standing up, he helped Erwin to his feet alongside him. “Come with me,” he said. “I need to show you something.”

            “Ok, Levi.” Hand in hand, Levi led the two of them down towards the nearby beach. Erwin had never been before, and with the sun still beaming high in the sky, there was no time to waste. After helping Erwin take off his shoes, Levi watched amused as the man walked forward towards the water, enjoying each step in the soft, warm sand. There was an almost childlike quality to Erwin as he walked around the beach, his hand combing for shells and splashing the cool water around. Levi couldn’t hide the large grin that had spread on his face as he watched the man light up with each step he took. This right here was Erwin at his truest and most authentic self. Every little thing was like a new discovery to him, and no stone was left unturned. Levi found it very endearing. The Commander’s larger-than-life and unshakeable presence was one thing, but to experience this softer and more authentic version of Erwin was a true blessing that Levi was grateful for. Few people, if any, got to experience this. Erwin waded in the water, letting out a genuine laugh of joy and surprise at the waves and the small fish that swam around his ankles. That laugh was music to Levi’s ears.

At one point, Erwin turned his head to look back at Levi, joy practically leaping off his face. Those ocean blue eyes, filled with light, happiness, and life, met Levi’s, and they were perhaps the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen. Oh, how he loved this man. “Care to join me, Levi?” Erwin asked, extending his hand towards the Captain.

            “And leave you to have all the fun? Of course, I will join you, Erwin.” Levi waded in the water, taking Erwin’s hand.

            “There’s so much more out there to explore,” Erwin said. He’d heard about Marley and all that, but Levi knew that Erwin sought more. He sought to fully experience the world and all its wonders.

            “We’re going to see all of it,” Levi promised, squeezing Erwin’s hand for emphasis.

            “Together?”

            “Yes,” he replied, staring into those beautiful, ocean blue eyes once more. “Together.”