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The day was finally coming to an end: Boyd was quite satisfied with what he managed to accomplish today. It wasn’t much, exactly: he had chairs and tables and bookshelves in place, but the books were still mostly lying on the floor, a few still in boxes all over the place. Be that as it may, the place was finally looking like a bookstore after all, and he could see how it would be when they finally opened it. Raylan promised to help him on the weekend, and work would move faster by then; maybe they could open by the end of the month.
He walked back from the stock to the front of the store and saw he wasn’t alone anymore: sitting by one of the reading tables Boyd hoped someday would be filled with costumers was a gorgeous blonde woman, her blue eyes piercing Boyd on the spot.
“Ava…”
“Well, hello, Boyd. Surprised to see me?”
He didn’t trust his voice. He knew this moment would have to come eventually, he just didn’t expect it to be here, right now.
“I liked what you’ve done with the place.” She carried on, without expecting Boyd’s answer. “What you’re doing, actually. I never expected you to open a bookstore, Boyd. You never told me it was something you wanted.”
“I… didn’t know it was something I wanted back then.”
“Like you didn’t know you wanted Raylan?”
She didn’t blink as she said it, didn’t even change the tone of her voice, but Boyd felt it like a slap.
“Ava…”
“Well, come sit with me, boy, don’t just stand there. We have things to talk about, don’t you think?”
Boyd walked with heavy limbs to the table, feeling as if his feet couldn’t carry him.
“So you’re a bookstore owner now. Old books and stuff like that. I feel you’re a whole different man, Boyd…”
“Ava, I don’t…”
“After all, you never could carry on in an honest life, remember? ‘This is who I am, Ava.’ That’s what you told me, way back when, remember that?”
“I… I do, Ava.”
“Good thing, Boyd, ‘cause I thought you had forgotten. I thought you had forgotten all about those days, all about me.”
“There’s not a day that goes by that I don’…”
“Don’t you dare say that, Boyd Crowder. Don’t you dare tell me you think of me while you’re playing house with your new lover!”
Boyd lowered his eyes. For the first time that evening, Ava was showing signs of being angry, and that was surprisingly better: better than have her politely talking to him in lower tones, a bitter smile on her face. Boyd knew he deserved her hate, so it was better that it was finally coming.
“Ava, I couldn’t forget you if I tried. You were the most important thing in my life for longer that you can imagine.”
“But now you’re here, right? Your life is Raylan now. Do you love him?” Boyd couldn’t answer that, not when he hadn’t even told Raylan yet. “Answer me, Boyd, I deserve to know!”
“I… I do, Ava, I think I do.”
“Oh, you think you do? That’s real sweet, Boyd. You sayin’ you threw away everything we had, everything we built together ‘cause you think you love him?”
Boyd was staring at the table, unable to come up with a fitting answer. He knew he couldn’t make her believe that it wasn’t intentional, that he didn’t fell for Raylan because he wanted to put their life to waste. She was hurt beyond understanding.
“Ava, you have to believe me, I never meant to hurt you.”
“Oh, you think this is just about me? Boyd, you had a life back in Harlan. We built a fuckin’ empire in that place, I gave everything to make you King of Harlan and you throw it all away in a blink of an eye!”
“I wish I could take it all back, every day, Ava, I swear, I wish I could take it back. There is nothing in my life that I regret more than that.” He did, every single day, before he could even open his eyes, he regret ever bringing Ava to this life.
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? Make me feel sorry for you or somethin’, that you’re all guilty and so fucking filled with sorrow, when you’re here, living a married life in fucking Lexington, selling books on a nice street, while I’m rotting in Harlan?”
Ava stopped there, breathing hard, her nails tapping in the wooden table. She took a deep breath and started again, slowly this time.
“And you know what’s the worst, Boyd? I can't never leave Harlan, now. Never. You get to start your life again, start fresh, and now I can’t. I’m stuck to that place, to the empire you so easily forgot you were once part of. You get your knight in shining armor and what do I get, Boyd? Hm? Tell me!”
He raised his eyes, but there was nothing to say, really. He left, to never come back, and now she was all alone.
“I loved you, you son of a bitch. Sure, I liked your brother just fine, Bowman was cute and funny, at first. And I did have a crush for the same man you’re now sharing a bed with. But I only ever loved you, Boyd. Did you ever love me?”
“Yes, Ava, baby, I loved you so much, so much, God…”
“More than you love him?”
… and how could he answer that?
“Tell me, Boyd. Who did you love more?” Boyd opened his mouth, but no sound would come out. “No? No answer? C’mon, Boyd, you can tell me. Ain’t nothing you can say that’ll hurt more than what you did when you left our home. When you left me. Who did you love more?”
“I…I don’t know, baby, I don’t…”
“It must be him, right, otherwise you wouldn’t have left me to be with him.”
“That is not true, Ava…”
“Were you screwing him back then? All those times he came to the bar and you were alone in the room on the back, you were suckin’ his cock?”
“No, Ava, I would never…”
“But you thought about it, right?” Boyd lowered his eyes again. He couldn’t lie to her, but he couldn’t live with the truth as well. “All the times you fucked me right after he left, were you thinking about him? That’s why you never looked at me, why you closed your goddamn eyes? So you wouldn’t see your girlfriend, so you could imagine it was Raylan Givens kneeling before you… I bet you wished I was gone, then, right, Boyd? I bet you wished I wasn’t there, so you could be Raylan’s bitch.”
Boyd felt his face was wet, and realized he was crying. He felt small and desperate, the most miserable human being to ever walk the earth. He never wished she was gone, he loved her with all his heart, but he also knew he was the worst thing to ever happen to Ava. Not even Bowman was this bad. Boyd destroyed her life, everything she cared about, he was like a plague or a disease, and she deserved so much better.
“I can’t ever fix the things I did, Ava.”
“Damn right you can’t, Boyd. You could at least act sorry about it, not all happy like a newly wed.”
Boyd felt his throat hurt while choking on the tears: she was right, she was so right, he didn’t deserve the happiness he had now. He didn’t deserve this bookstore, he didn’t deserve Raylan, just as he never deserved the love she gave him.
“It’s fuckin’ great to see how easily you can recover from everything we’ve been through, as if I didn’t meant nothing to you. I wish I could do the same, I wish I could start over. But I can’t, can I?”
No, she can’t. She’ll never start over again, never be happy again, never leave Harlan…
“That’s it, Boyd.” She took another deep breath, and Boyd raised his eyes, ready to take another blow, wanting it, because he deserved. “You go and you be happy with your boy. I’ll stay where I belong. Just remember you were the one to put me there. You think ‘bout that.”
Boyd opened his mouth to talk again: say what, he never knew. In that moment, he heard the bell he had put on the front door ring, and he hurried to wipe the tears of his face – he had promised not to cry any longer.
“We ain’t open!” He shouted, voice ruined even to his own ears.
“It’s me, Boyd.” Raylan’s voice carried to the back of the store, just as he was turning a corner and making himself visible over a bookshelf. “What's wrong with your voice?”
Boyd looked over his shoulder fast: the table was empty; his only companies were the books he was supposed to be putting away.
“I…” he looked over Raylan again, still waiting by the bookshelf, hat in hands, leaning against the wall. “It must be allergies, nothin’ much.”
“You’re working too hard.” Raylan was still staring, and Boyd prayed he wasn’t very perceptive today. He finally took his eyes from Boyd, looking around. “The place is getting nice, though. If you keep going in this pace you’ll probably be able to open it by the end…”
“…of the month, yes, that’s what I thought too.”
Raylan turned around again, looking straight at Boyd, his suspicious visibly growing at each passing second.
“You sure you’re alright, Boyd?”
Boyd sighed, feeling like crying again. No, I ain’t. I don’t think I can really do this anymore. I don’t think I can go on.
“Yes, Raylan. Yes, I am.”
“Why don’t you come here, then?”
Boyd didn’t want to get up, didn’t feel comfortable touching Raylan right now, or ever again. He also knew Raylan would keep asking, so he made the easy call and hoped the man didn’t ask for much.
He thought Raylan would want to kiss him, maybe even make out a bit in the empty store, but the man only opened his arms and embraced him tight. At first, Boyd felt like screaming, as if Raylan’s skin were burning him, but as the hug carried he started to feel more and more comfortable, until finally he didn’t feel like crying any longer.
“You know” Raylan said against his hair, his voice soft and low. “if you’re thinking about opening by the end of the month, you have to name it. Have you thought about that yet? What do you want to call it?”
“I was thinking…” Boyd had to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth, take a deep breath, start again. “I was thinking ‘Ava’s Gun’.”
Raylan didn’t tensed in his arms, as Boyd was afraid he would. He didn’t move or said anything at first, just kept hugging Boyd, as if waiting for Boyd to continue.
“Uhun. Any special reason?”
“I think I want to sell some hardboiled books, you know? Noir stories, crime stories… maybe some Graham Greene, you know, those spy movies you love? Some Elmore Leonard too. Conan Doyle, Agatha Christie… Maybe some horror books as well. I do believe the name is fitting.”
Raylan laughed against his hair, his hand travelling over his back to rest in Boyd’s neck. “It sure is, babe. But you’re sure you want to sell so much violence to the young, easily impressionable minds?”
“Violence is all I know, Raylan.” Boyd felt the lump in his throat again, hoping beyond hope that he could hold the tears in front of Raylan. “Violence is all I know and… and all I spread upon this earth.”
“Hey, hey, no, no.” Raylan was taking his hands from him, backing away, when Boyd only wanted to hide his face in his shoulder and cry. “You don’t only spread violence. Look at me, Boyd. Look, we are both violent men, I know that, you know that. I won’t lie to you. And we’ve both hurt a lot of people.”
“Raylan, you have no idea… how much I regret…” He couldn’t talk anymore, already in the brink of tears again, feeling week and stupid.
“I know you regret. And I know that Ava… Ava was the love of your life. It’s true, and it’s also true that we can’t change what happened.”
“Raylan, I…”
“But you have to believe me when I tell you that she also loved you. She loved you more than anything, and she was happy because she was with you. You brought her happiness, Boyd, you gave her a reason to live, and you gave her love.”
“But now…”
“She’s no longer here.” Raylan said that with a firm voice, but Boyd could feel him trembling against him. “She loved you ‘till her dying day, Boyd. You both made your choices, and I can’t say they were the right choices, but you didn’t drag her along. She went willing, because she loved you, and she didn’t regret it a single day of her life. She knew what she was getting into.”
“She didn’t deserve… any of it. She deserved better than me.”
“Yes, she did. You both did. You deserved to be happy together, to grow old and all that shit. But Johnny fucked everything up, and now he’s dead. And just ‘cause Ava ain’t here anymore doesn’t mean you don’t still deserve to be happy. She wouldn’t want that.”
Boyd isn’t sure anymore what would Ava want. Deep down, he knows she would never tell him some of those things, would never be that cruel. He can’t help thinking about it, though.
“I destroyed her, Raylan. Sometimes… sometimes I’m afraid I’ll destroy you too.”
Raylan hugged him again, holding him against his chest. When he spoke again, his voice was right against Boyd’s ear.
“I’m tougher than her, Boyd, I can take care of myself. But you have to find a way to be happy, ‘cause I don’t think… I don’t think I can be happy without you. Not anymore.”
There was a moment of silence between them, a huge moment where Boyd wondered if he could live up to Raylan’s expectations. The moment only last a second, though, because in the next, Raylan was quietly laughing against Boyd.
“What?”
“What? C’mon, Boyd, listen to the kind of shit you got me sayin’. Damn, boy, I was never one to talk like that to any girl I had, now look at me. You sayin’ you think that’s normal?”
Boyd had to smile at that. They were two grown men after all, hugging in an empty bookstore over feelings. “Well, Raylan, I don’t know about normal, but I do appreciate you being romantic. Can’t say I got much of that on our first night.”
“What do you mean I wasn’t romantic, I was the king of romance.” Raylan pulled back a bit, to look at Boyd’s face. “No, really, I was too scared to romance you that night. I am fixing it, though. I will even bring you flowers the night you finally open Ava’s Gun.”
“No need for that, babe. Just be here on time and I’ll consider it romantic enough.” Boyd kissed him then, just a press of lips, but with confidence enough to make clear that that’s what he wants, still.
“Ready to go home?” Raylan says after they break apart.
Boyd has to look back once again, one last time to the empty chair on the wood table: Ava Crowder will never see his little bookstore in Lexington, never sit on that table.
“Yeah, babe, I am.” Raylan starts to walk away, but Boyd has one last thing to tell him. “Raylan… I will, okay? I will try to be happy. I promise.”
The promise would have to be enough for now.