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Shu Itsuki was weird.
It was the only trait that could be used to accurately describe his vibrant and unique personality. Nazuna felt like he was discovering new things about him every day since their first meeting. In the sea full of the unknown, he managed to find just one constant element, said weirdness that only grew bigger the longer he knew Shu.
“Nito, my dearest Nito… No matter how hard I try, I am unable to properly express your perfection with mere words… All those epithets funny in their simplicity that I throw your way are inadequate, completely inadequate… Ah, I just can’t stop myself…!” while listening, Nazuna felt a touch on his face, a gentle stroking on his cheeks, that he probably had to get used to in this relationship. Shu’s behaviour wasn’t normal, quite the contrary. He treated someone he barely knew, someone fully ordinary, like a gift sent from the heavens, he was talking to him using language straight out of the old poems filled with complexities that irritated those who attempted interpretation, yet still saw his praise as insufficient. The only correct reaction would be to ridicule the lunatic’s delusions.
However, Nazuna couldn’t do that, too enchanted by this worship. He greedily listened to Shu’s delighted voice, remembered all the flattery, safely locked them away in the confines of his heart for eternity, so that they would never escape.
“The things you say to me are more than enough, Shu-san. Do you even hear yourself?” although Nazuna was internally melting inside thanks to the numerous compliments, he still felt a bit awkward receiving them. He put his hands on Shu’s, so the other boy wouldn’t notice the pink tint his cheeks had taken on.
“Non! I can perfectly hear my own statements, so I’m all the more aware of their futile efforts to reflect your beauty,” Shu huffed. Sometimes he was cute in this excitement caused by Nazuna’s presence. Said Nazuna looked at him with his big, red eyes, as if he wanted to pierce his soul. “Ah, I can’t help, but feel nervous… when you stare at me like that… I’m not deserving of such a blessing, I’m truly not…! Nito, my flawless marionette, I will create art worthy of you, so that I can earn the right to the privilege bestowed upon me by fate, I swear it to you here and now. Together we shall share your magnificence with this dirty world!”
Nazuna just smiled in response. Shu’s marionette… This seemed like a title he could wear with pride and joy.
Shu’s touch burns his skin. When he snuggles up to him with the same affection as always, Nazuna feels almost strangled. It doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense, not when Shu touches him so gently, as if a single too careless move could hurt him.
Monologues full of love, once embracing him with flowers of a blissful scent, are now prickly thorns. At the very beginning of another too long speech dedicated to him, Nazuna wants to cover his ears.Yet he never does that, obediently allowing Shu to finish, listening to the words he knows by heart, which are filled with sweetness, but for some reason seem so sharp. He’s a doll, a marionette, he can’t oppose, he has to endure this, pay the price of worship with a quiet surrender.
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If Shu’s commitment sometimes overwhelmed Nazuna, it probably affected his own self as well. Though he wasn’t even aware of it, endlessly giving Valkyrie all he had and more. There was something admirable in this, especially for Nazuna. Sure, he had hobbies, sang in a church choir for years, but he was never devoted to anything with such passion. Shu inspired him in a sense. Thanks to him, he felt special for the first time, like he could contribute to something valuable, make the dollmaker’s vision a reality.
Although, there were moments where Shu straight up worried him. He paid no mind to his state, ignored signals sent to him by his body and usually dismissed every concern.
“Nito, it’s lovely that you care about my well-being, but do not fret, you needn’t have to bother your little head with it. After all, you’re the delicate being who needs protection, not the other way around!”
Nazuna just rolled his eyes at that.
Yes, Shu had a lot of resilience, but to his own discontent, he was still only a human. Watching him dancing clumsily with a headache he had been complaining about since morning, getting increasingly frustrated with himself instead of simply taking a break, gradually turned from a worrying sight to a more… funny one, Nazuna had to admit. He was a bit amused by Shu’s almost childish unawareness regarding his own actions and their consequences.
“Ugh, I have no idea what’s gotten into me today.” Shu muttered under his breath, placing his hand on his forehead and furrowing his brows a little, allowing his face to remain in a painful contortion. Nazuna sighed, took Shu’s free hand in his and started pulling him towards the wall
“Shii-san, let’s take a break,” he stated outwardly, not in the mood for beating around the bush. He was worn out too. “Please…?” he added and glanced at Shu eloquently, not giving him a chance to protest.
“Alright, Nito. If you’re tired…” Nazuna nodded immediately. Shu’s soft spot for him was useful at times.
They sat down on the floor. Shu was sweating heavily. Nazuna wondered if it was purely due to physical exercise or if he was starting to develop a fever. He mentioned the headache for the first time today, but he clearly hadn’t been feeling well for the last few days. Nazuna put his head on his shoulder. There was something pleasant about sitting next to each other in silence devoid of Shu’s speeches and their singing, in simply listening to each other's breathing.
After a couple of minutes, when Nazuna raised his head, he found Shu staring at him, a bit differently than he usually did, eyes not admiring nor focused, but distracted, absent, slightly hazy. His eyelids were almost drooping, as if he had to put a lot of effort into looking at Nazuna.
“Come on, I’ll walk you home. We worked hard today.” Nazuna got up and pulled Shu by the hand again to help him do the same. He didn’t register that he hadn’t let go of it this entire time.
Shu lacks the strength to leave his room, some days he doesn’t even get out of bed. Nazuna never thought he’d see him in such a state. His strength that allowed Valkyrie to march forward disappeared, his determination once present in his every move disappeared, everything that made him who he was disappeared. Nazuna doesn't believe he'll ever see the Shu he knows again. Shu is gone and there's no sign of him returning.
Mika is the only one who naively awaits this impossible return and Nazuna doesn’t have the heart to make him aware of the reality. When they’re taking care of their leader, who is like a child in need of protection, the boy constantly tries to brighten the mood, acting like it's just another shared activity, that they can still laugh together. Maybe Nazuna is a worse person, or maybe he’s just realistic, but it takes him a single glance at Shu curled up under a blanket with greasy hair and a blank expression to realize that this is the end, Shu’s end.
At first Nazuna thinks that he ended with him. Who is he if Shu isn’t controlling him, he wonders every time he sees the remains of his mentor. However, when he notices the light at the end of the tunnel, three little sparkles, he gains hope. Not for Shu, not for Valkyrie, but for himself.
It’s ironic. Nazuna was fully convinced that if he became a defective doll, his dollmaker would leave him, yet it turned out to be the exact opposite. During one of his visits to Shu's house, though he doesn’t admit it to anyone, not even to his own self, deep down he knows he’s doing it for the last time.
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Shu became someone really important to Nazuna, he could even call him an essential part of his daily life, previously so painfully empty. He liked performing with Shu, rehearsing together, and trying on outfits made by him. He liked Shu.
He wasn’t sure if he could call him his friend. Nazuna didn’t experience a lot of friendships, never being interesting enough to anyone to have this kind of relationship. Knowing Shu, he would probably scoff at the term, finding it too cliché to properly convey the true significance of their connection, and he wouldn’t be completely wrong. Nonetheless, the most ordinary things they shared, those that could be attributed to friends, were precious to Nazuna.
Spending short breaks together at school, helping to refine ideas for Mademoiselle's new dress, hearing Shu talk about something with that charming excitement of his... He appreciated all these moments and wished for more of them, which wasn't always possible with the amount of responsibilities they bore to develop Valkyrie, with Shu being even more busy as their leader.
Shu’s aversion to technology was irritating, because instead of just texting him, asking if he had time, Nazuna had to go to his house, without the guarantee that the answer would be yes. Well, if Shu’s busy, he’ll at least look at him while he works on something. He has observed him for hours while he sewed a few times already.
Nazuna rang the doorbell to the mansion, whose size still somewhat intimidated him. He didn’t have to wait long before none other than Shu opened the door. His neutral expression lightened up right away, though it was marked by a hint of worry.
“Nito, welcome! Have you come for the fitting of your new costume? My dear, forgive me, but it's not finished yet, I only have a few final touches left...! If I remember correctly, we were supposed to do this tomorrow, weren’t we? I always carefully write down all the deadlines, I would never, ever want to keep you waiting-”
“Calm down, Oshi-san,” Nazuna looked at him apologetically. Shu sometimes got worked up for no reason. “I came to ask if... you wanted to do something? I don’t have any plans for today, and I’m a little bored, so…”
“But of course!” Shu's uneasiness vanished in an instant, replaced by content. “I have time for you, whether we’re talking about early morning, when the sun is barely peeking over the horizon, or the middle of the dark night, when the whole world is still fast asleep. Please, come inside. The opportunity to properly introduce you to my exquisite doll collection has finally arrived, I’m sure you've been eagerly awaiting this moment. Naturally, none of them compare to you, the most beautiful out of all the beautiful dolls I own!”
Nazuna has no idea how to react when he passes by Shu in the hallway. Sometimes all he desires is to shoot him a hostile look, maybe even nudge him with his shoulder. Sometimes he feels like sending him a small smile and waving. Every single time he pretends that he doesn’t notice him and walks past as if nothing had happened.
Yet Nazuna notices. He notices eye bags, he notices a face that is way too thin and he notices this weird gaze that he can almost feel on himself, but is never sure what it's supposed to convey. Anger? Regret? Spite? Longing? Nazuna doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know.
He goes about his day, and his thoughts are filled with all their shared memories, the painful ones that send shivers down his spine, the pleasant ones that hurt the most, and the ones too difficult to describe. He keeps promising himself that he won't let them disturb his peace anymore, follow him like a shadow, but with each encounter in the hallway, lacking in any interaction, he sees them again, one by one, over and over.