Chapter Text
It was half past six in the morning when Vaughn’s ECHO buzzed on the nightstand. He frowned, swallowing and blinking, before reaching out and grabbing for it. He was still half-asleep, barely able to function like a normal human being. He rubbed his eyes, trying to focus on the screen, and when he saw the time he swore under his breath. There was still fifteen minutes until his alarm. Apparently, the buzzing was due to a message from Rhys. He opened the message, read it, and read it again. He tried to comprehend what exactly he was reading at six thirty in the morning. When he finally came to terms with exactly what the message read, he wanted to throttle Rhys for being such a goddamn fan boy and waking him up early.
“You fucking nerd,” Vaughn typed, having to retype a few times due to lack of sleep and lack of glasses. When he pressed ‘send’, he dropped the phone next to him on the bed and swiftly fell back to sleep.
*
“No but you don’t understand ,” Rhys gushed, absent-mindedly breaking his bagel into bite-size pieces. “It’s a meet and greet with Jack .”
“No one calls him ‘Jack’, Rhys. Probably only his mother.” Yvette stirred her coffee, sighing. “ You do because you’ve been obsessed with him for ninety years and feel like you “know” him.” She gestured with quotation marks and rolled her eyes. “I’d actually be worried for Jack’s safety, when you meet him, if he wasn’t such a massive douchebag.”
Rhys grumbled and ate a bite-size piece of bagel. “He’s...well yes, he is a douchebag but he’s also super hot and super driven and I want to be him.”
“More like be in him,” Vaughn snorted. He dug his elbow into Yvette, who grinned and winked at Rhys. Rhys bristled, eyes narrowing at the two of them.
“Hey, shut up. And I’ll have you know,” he purred, relaxing, “that if anything, he’d be the one inside me. ”
This received Rhys a piece of buttered toast to the face from Vaughn and a hard whack on his arm from Yvette. He grinned throughout, giddy with the thought of finally getting to meet his hero.
*
One day earlier
“I don’t do it often ,” Jack said, batting his eyelids at Meg, his PA, who merely sighed and chuckled. She had found him surfing the web after having looked himself up. Jack wasn’t embarrassed though; nothing ever embarrassed him. Not even that time when he’d slipped in Skag bile and fallen whilst doing a routine check up on R&D. He’d fallen flat on his ass and not one soul had laughed because they knew he’d probably kill them. No, Jack could never be embarrassed.
“Be careful,” she muttered, patting him on the shoulder. “Nothing good will come of it. You might not come across things you particularly want to see.”
Jack took this as a challenge. He knew there were fans out there, he just had to seek them out by searching the right key words.
‘Handsome Jack is awesome’ was his first search term and lo and behold, it took him to some forum website where kids were literally coming in their pants over him. There were pictures of him riding on Butt Stallion, links to…(what were ‘fanfictions’?) and pornographic drawings of him with a perfect, shiny round ass in a variety of different poses. He grinned. He’d found a gold mine.
He scrolled back through the history, looking for things to show Meg as proof that he was adored and loved by many, and came across a post about people wanting a meet and greet.
“If only I could meet Jack in real life…” Jack sighed and smiled, leaning on his hand. These kids were cute .
“I’d do anything for a personalised signed poster for my wall,” another kid announced. Jack beamed and pressed the intercom.
“Oh Meg, ” he chimed, sing-songing her name like he always did.
“Yes, sir?”
“Could you come in here please?”
It took a few moments for Meg to sashay in, her heels clicking on the dark floor.
“How can I help you, sir?”
Jack stood up, gesturing down at his computer with vigour. “Look.”
Meg took a deep breath and did as she was told. When she arrived beside him, she peered down at the screen and smiled. “Well well, sir. I see you’ve proved me wrong.” As she stood, Jack stroked a finger along her chin.
“That’s only what I strive for, babydoll.”
“Is that all you wanted me here for?”
Jack laughed, throwing his head back and pointing to the screen once again. “Look harder. What do the people want ?”
Pushing her glasses up her nose, she leant in. Jack enjoyed the split-second of bra that he was lucky enough to catch before watching her intently.
“A...meet and greet?”
Clapping his hands together, Jack danced on the spot. “Yes! Everyone fucking loves me, Meg! So fucking organise it!”
*
Arms folded behind his head, Jack leant back in his chair watching the forums go crazy over his announcement. Apparently it was “the best thing to happen at Hyperion in years” and for some “Handsome Jack is my everything, I’m going to die!”. Jack sniggered and reached forward, typing under ‘HJ_69’ and stating, “I bet Handsome Jack has the universe’s biggest dick” and letting the kids go wild over that. He could almost see them all whacking one out at the mere thought of his dick.
“How are the public finding it, sir?” his PA asked, placing a fresh mug of coffee on his desk. He grabbed her hand before she walked away, pulling her in and wrapping an arm around her.
“Meg, my dear, I’m giving the people what they want and they’re lapping it up. Well, of course they are. It’s me. I’m their goddamn hero .”
*
Present day
“What do I wear?!” Rhys shrieked, tearing through his closet and throwing out article after article of clothing.
“I don’t know!” Vaughn called back, voice getting louder as he walked down the hall. He poked his head into Rhys’s room. He paused for a moment, leaning against the doorframe with a smile to watch Rhys. “Maybe your...you know...that black ensemble you wore out for dinner last month?”
Glancing up, Rhys waved his hands about in despair. “Be specific, Vaughn! This is so important!”
Vaughn huffed. “Yeah? Well so is...I don’t know...so is doing your chores! Or...watching the new episode of Pandora’s Box with me on Hubflix! I don’t want to be alone this evening. I had a hard day at work!”
Rhys groaned, dropping onto his ass and staring up at Vaughn. “Bro, we will totally do those things. I will do my chores when I get back tonight. Just let me immerse myself in the world of Handsome Jack for a few hours and then it’ll be all over. I’ll have it out of my system.”
Vaughn rolled his eyes and drawled sarcastic laughter. “Right. Because that’s going to happen.”
*
Eventually, Rhys found the outfit Vaughn had been talking about and it was true - it was a great outfit. The tight black skinny jeans did wonders for his amazing ass and he topped it off with a black v-neck and his smart black jacket. His dark brown boots and shiny hexagonal cufflinks were the finishing touches. Checking himself out in the mirror, he looked damn fine if he did say so himself.
“Holy shit, bro,” Vaughn exclaimed, reappearing in his room. “You like like hot shit.”
“Yeah?” Rhys span around, showing off the entire outfit. “You think?”
Vaughn nodded furiously. “If I was Handsome Jack, I’d be impressed to say the least.”
*
Jack was beginning to wish he hadn’t had Meg organise this shitshow. They were all...weedy and nerdy - nothing like he’d hoped. He’d daydreamed that maybe they’d all be hot as hell and they’d all be fighting over him. Jack would’ve liked that. Yet here he was, signing a poster for a kid with buck teeth and a monobrow. They all wanted photographs too, which he kept having to stand up for. Meg simply stood in silence, a smirk playing on her lips. As the buck-tooth kid passed, he flashed her a glare.
“Would you stop that?” he hissed, clicking the lid onto his sharpie. She grinned.
“Stop what, sir?”
“Standing there, thinking that you know best.”
“I don’t know what you’re referring to, sir.”
Jack grimaced, furrowing his brow. It was then that he watched her facial expression warp from smug to shocked as she gazed out on the thronging crowd. Jack followed her eyeline and noticed the tall, gorgeous creature only four people back from the front. He was slender and pretty and everything Jack had been hoping for from this occasion. Granted, he wasn’t fighting with anyone to be near Jack, but he was near Jack. That was good enough for the CEO.
“Um, sir?” A wimpy voice brought him out of his reverie. He focused on the situation at hand, to find a small man with fifty-inch thick glasses staring at him, holding out a poster and a book. “Could you please sign these? It’s a pleasure to meet you. A real pleasure.”
“Yeah sure whatever.” Jack signed but was too distracted by the leggy brunet to do much else. The man in front of him dawdled for a while, hoping for something more, but when he didn’t get it he sidled off and huffed as he went. The brunet met his gaze, almost having a heart attack when he realised Jack was staring at him. Jack made the most of it, throwing him a wink and getting a violent red blush in return. The kid looked behind him, checking to see if it was really him that Jack was looking at. Jack was loving it. The kid was so flustered and adorable and freaking lovely to look at. The three people who came before him passed by in a blur, but when the pretty boy got to Jack’s table, the CEO became hyper-focused on everything this boy was and had to offer. He was wearing some of the tightest skinny jeans Jack had ever seen and his jacket was- Jack paused. He caught sight of yellow metal where the kid’s hand should be. He got up, rounding the table to stand directly opposite him. Eyes blowing wide, the kid took a step back in surprise.
“Hey kiddo,” Jack said, grabbing his flesh hand to balance him. He yanked the boy forward gently and gripped his sleeve, pulling it up to reveal part of a cybernetic arm replacement. He recognised the workmanship. It was one of his old designs when he first headed the company. Typical black and yellow.
“Jeez, cupcake. This is old as shit! You must keep this so well-oiled and cared for. I’m amazed it hasn’t fallen to pieces...”
“It’s...uh...done me well over the years I guess…” the kid managed, swallowing hard. Jack realised he hadn’t introduced himself (not that he had to) and turned, clapping the boy on the shoulder and offering his hand.
“Hello, kiddo. The name’s Jack. Handsome Jack.”
The kid took his hand but rather than shake it, Jack brought his hand up to his lips and placed a delicate kiss on his knuckles. The boy shuddered and gawped, clearly not knowing what to do. Jack was wrapping him right around his little finger.
“I’m - uh - Rhys...my name is Rhys, sir.”
“Rhys, huh? Nice to meet you, kitten.” Jack used the hand still holding his to pull the kid in close. “Now, Rhysie. I have so many more people to meet but I really don’t want this to be the last time I get to speak to you.”
“B-b-but sir...I’m just-”
“-You’re just what I’ve been looking for, pumpkin. C’mere.” Jack tugged him towards the photographer, wrapping his arm around his waist as the man took the picture. Rhys was apparently stunned, but was brought back to reality by a swift smack on his ass from Jack himself. Rhys yelped a little, spinning on his heel as Jack sat back down at the table. He picked out a brand new poster from the pile and scribbled his number onto it in shiny gold pen.
“Call me, princess,” Jack purred, offering Rhys another wink. Rhys could only nod before he turned and walked away, Jack watching his pert little ass as he went.
*
Rhys had never been so jumpy and nervous in all of his twenty five years of life. He could see Jack through the busy crowd, catching brief glimpses of him through small gaps between the heads and shoulders. From what he could see, Jack looked...bored? Rhys wasn’t surprised: looking around him, he was shocked. He hadn’t imagined that these were the people who had been on the forums. They were all talking to each other in excitement but every word that Rhys could hear was monotone and droning. He was getting sick of it himself. The crowd moved slowly, but eventually Rhys was only a few people away and his heart rate picked up, pumping even faster. He gazed around taking in the atmosphere, but when he looked back he almost jumped out of his skin. Handsome Jack was staring at him. Rhys felt his neck go cold with sweat and he pointed to himself and then looked behind him. Was there anyone else he was looking at? He looked back but Jack gaze was still locked onto him. He winked and Rhys almost came apart then and there. What was going on? Jack attended to the few people in front of him but he kept looking back at Rhys as though he were important or something. Rhys couldn’t understand what was going on.
Finally, it was Rhys’s time to step up to the plate. He walked forwards, offering Jack a weak smile as the man raked his eyes up and down Rhys’s body like he was a damn meal. Suddenly, Jack stood, making Rhys jump a little at the motion. The CEO walked around the table and Rhys, not knowing how to handle such a situation, took a step back to give him more time to assess it.
“Hey kiddo,” the man said. He reached out and took hold of Rhys’s hand, anchoring him. All of a sudden, he pulled Rhys forward, catching him in both hands before moving back and pulling up his sleeve, of all things. “Jeez, cupcake. This is old as shit! You must keep this so well-oiled and cared for. I’m amazed it hasn’t fallen to pieces...”
So Jack was interested in his metalwork? Rhys could roll with that. Rhys was cool. Rhys was down with this.
“It’s...uh...done me well over the years I guess…” Rhy’s was a moron who couldn’t speak for shit.
Jack clapped him on the shoulder and put his hand out for Rhys to...shake? “Hello, kiddo. The name’s Jack. Handsome Jack.”
Rhys grasped his hand but was not at all prepared for what Jack did next. He kissed his hand. Handsome Jack kissed his hand . His jaw fell open slightly.
“I’m - uh - Rhys...my name is Rhys, sir.”
“Rhys, huh? Nice to meet you, kitten.” Jack tugged him close. “Now, Rhysie. I have so many more people to meet but I really don’t want this to be the last time I get to speak to you.”
What.was.going.on. Rhys could barely function now.
“B-b-but sir...I’m just-”
“-You’re just what I’ve been looking for, pumpkin. C’mere.” Jack tugged him towards the photographer, wrapping his arm around his waist as the man took the picture. Rhys gulped and tried to smile, but gasped loudly when he felt a firm hand land on his butt. He turned, watching Jack wear a smirk as he settled back down at the signing table. He had popped the cap off of a sharpie and was scribbling something onto a poster.
“Call me, princess,” Jack purred, offering Rhys another wink. Rhys nodded curtly, unsure if everything he’d just experienced had been a dream or not.
He sure as hell hoped it hadn’t been.