Chapter Text
Looking back, I think something was deeply wrong with me. An unease had long since been creeping in on me, suffocating me slowly like a poisonous fog. An intense anticipation of something awful. Back then, it was hard to tell what was killing me, and what was driving me to live. They say hindsight is 20/20. I'm inclined to believe that is one of the world's few cardinal truths.
Jack Morrison has convinced me of many things over the years; the righteousness of Overwatch's mission, the benefits of having me on the frontlines... the best temperature to cook a steak. What can I say, the man had some good points. I could stand to be swayed on a few of my long held beliefs, it all just depended on the end goal. Saving cities from destruction. Rescuing squad members in battle. I could get behind helping people and tasting new things. If it aligned with my heart - and the promises I made to mama a lifetime ago. At the time, the things I knew I would never change my mind on were my moral codes. That included her.
I know now that my stubbornness was born out of a desire for control. The fear of unpredictable variables inserted into an already stable function. I had already acquiesced regarding use of my scientific discoveries for Overwatch. It felt like every time I gave an inch, a mile was taken in return. When Jack told me he was considering her addition to the organization, I struggled to comprehend his reasoning. It felt unprecedented.
"Within Blackwatch," he had stated simply, "she has use for us. She has the ability to do good." I could only stare at him for a moment before rebutting.
"Maybe you are misunderstanding me, Jack. She wants to alter DNA. You can't even accept her to the public eye - hiding her within Blackwatch? What are you thinking?" I tried and failed to stop my voice from raising. I searched his face for any sort of submission.
"You seem to be forgetting Blackwatch houses a close friend of yours. But still, you seem quick to shame the idea of them." He was referring to Genji, and I felt my face heat from embarrassment, because I knew he was right.
"He has nothing to do with this. Genji has done no harm." Reasoning was not getting me anywhere, so I blurted, "Have you even read her work?" The regret was instant, and his glare felt like knives.
"Of course I have. Please do not forget who you're speaking to, Doctor." Jack's final words to me that day made my heart drop into my stomach. Before I had the chance to speak on them, the door was shut. He knew better than anyone about genetic experimentation and enhancement. Except for maybe Gabriel. Damned super soldiers.
After that day, my want for control over my life tightened like a vise. I was so young then, hardly holding agency over myself. If my conversation with him had taught me anything, it was that my emotions regarding ethics were volatile. Had I known that fact alone would be a slippery slope, I would have proceeded my days with much more caution.
She arrived during a particularly hot summer, sudden and loathsome like a sunshower. It was my third year on base in Zurich. It had become a home to me, a source of comfort. When I had no one else, the agents there were like family.
Jack stood before us on a miserable, sweltering morning, the aircons doing little to compensate for a couple hundred bodies in an assembly hall. Gabriel Reyes stood tall at his side; Gerard had joined them as well, no doubt having traveled just for the occasion. Being the proper man he was, he simply smiled and stood tall as Strike Commander Morrison announced the new recruit. On the other hand, Ana Amari, second in command, was no where to be found. I reckoned she was on a mission, and silently prayed she wasn't using my creations for something horrible.
As the ceremony commenced, Jack spoke about our overall mission in instilling peace - the usual jargon that was preached amongst us. I never felt personally connected to those speeches. Thinking back, the things we achieved were never true peace. We hid human error behind a curtain, swept issues under the rug, and were left with a room full of false promises. Blackwatch was like the broom we used to sweep those troubles. It was not a name proudly spoken amongst our agents, except from the mouth of Gabriel; That was his project, we just bore witness. With great trust, our agents were able to collectively hold its existence a secret. So naturally, despite the prevalence of it on that day, the topic of discomfort was avoided and gave way to pleasantries.
"It is with great honor and appreciation that I welcome Moira O'Deorain to our ranks, on behalf of Overwatch." The soldier's gruff voice echoed throughout the hall. "In league with our current research leadership, her scientific prowess will benefit us greatly. Maybe even exceed certain people's expectations." It was with this final sentence that his eyes found mine. My heart did not sink like it had a few days prior. Rather, I felt the sting of abashment on my cheeks, and my throat tightened. The sting turned to pure heat when I noticed her attention. From my seat in the crowd of agents, her gaze had fallen on me. As if she had known exactly what Jack's words implied, a smirk tugged at her lips. No, embarrassment did not even begin to describe it.
Of course she knew who I was. I had been Overwatch's scientific and medical research lead for far too long up to that point for her not to. The face of Angela Ziegler was published in plenty of places, medical community or not. Hers, on the other hand, was a new sight for me. I would have remembered seeing eyes as striking and withering as hers. I remember noting the deep blue color as she took the stage, until she turned to reveal the other to be a vile crimson. And now the two looked directly at me, a derisory glace, from atop her lithe figure. I'd known my face was red, but kept my expression cold as stone as the announcement finally closed out.
Jack and I have always been at odds. It took years to half convince me of Overwatch as a whole. When that conquest was done, he slowly took more from me, always asking that my innovations be used for one thing or another. Now I know I was being taken advantage of for being a young woman in a world of adults. It was unfortunately common for him to say blunt, hurtful things to me in trying to get his way. A soldier's dialect, Ana would say. That day felt different. It was not just the act of undermining me in front of the entire base, but her presence substantiating it. For the first time in a long time, I felt lesser.
It had been a long while since I'd felt it; Stabbing pangs in my chest and numbness in my hands reminded me of death, and no air felt like enough. Tears threatened the corners of my eyes as I escaped the hall, ready to sink into a state of isolation and self-pity. The attack only opened my mind to memories of my mental state after my parents passed. I had gotten through my anxious spells back then, and I'd need to do it again.
It's crazy to think how just a few words and some contemptuous glances could send me spiraling. It's even worse to realize that my body was right to be afraid. Instincts are often correct - another cardinal truth. One that I ignored time and time again.