Archive of Our Own

Two months ago, you walked into this bedroom and dropped bags full of clothes and shoes and hope on the wooden floor and turned around to see Sam leaning on the doorframe, a pizza box held aloft on her fingertips and a sly smile on her face. You had said that food was on you; your parents had ejected you from their home after you came out to them, and your sister had insisted that you move in straight away. The least you could do was buy her dinner! She spun the box ninety degrees on her fingers in an impressive display of dexterity, and you rolled your eyes and smiled, following her out to the spacious living room to eat. As you caught up through mouthfuls of melted cheddar and hot bread, you told her about how scared you were in the days after you came out. Your parents had given you a week to pack and leave, and your friends were all still living in the dorms, so there was nowhere to go. You apologized (again) for imposing on her space, and she insisted that you're always welcome and wanted here, practically demanding that you get comfortable and settle down without feeling like a burden. She mentioned her girlfriend Ellie twice in passing before there was a dip in conversation and you got the chance to ask about her. Sam gushed about her, talking about amazing dates to different places around the city and quiet nights in appreciating each other's company, as well as appreciating… other things about each other. Her face was conspiratorial as she described nights with bottles of wine and bedrooms lit by the flashing of movies playing without an eye on them.

She had never been this candid about her love life to you before, and it came as a surprise. You had always been close, but once Sam started college she'd started to spend entire weeks out of the house with a partner that she was always too cagey to actually name, and too savvy to verbally gender around family. It was exciting to find out that she was also into girls; you had gotten some inkling of that possibility based on how reticent she was to drop information around your parents, but it was really nice to hear that you weren't alone, that your big sister was lesbian like you! She asked if you had a partner yourself, and you confessed that you hadn't really had any experience since figuring out your sexuality. She assured you that there was nothing wrong with that, and that you're a charming young lady, you'll find love before long! The rest of the night passed in laughter, with a stand-up comedian making raunchy jokes on the big screen TV in the living room while you split a bottle of strawberry wine. You went to sleep that night with love and freedom and happiness in your heart in a way that seemed impossible just a week before.

A week ago in this bedroom, you threw your shiny, fancy, hard fought, useless degree in the trash and kicked the can over. Once she helped you calm down, Sam had talked you into applying for something outside of your field of study, just to make sure you could afford your car costs and help with the food budget. You knew that she didn't need the help with the food budget, but she could see in your eyes that you felt like a freeloader after so many weeks of applications without a single interview to show for your efforts. Besides, it would be good for you to just get out of the house more often.

Right now, getting out of the house seems like a great idea. The banging on the bedroom wall behind you has been going off and on for what feels like an hour, and it's making it very hard to concentrate on job applications. It's like they don't even think about how Sam's bedroom shares a wall with yours! You roll your eyes and rock your head back in exasperation at your empty email inbox and push your chair away from the desk, rolling towards the bed. And closer to the thumping. Maybe it's time to get a snack from the kitchen. Or from the store down the street. Or from the next city over. As you consider your options, the persistent thump-thump-thump from behind you makes you picture a corner of Sam's wooden bed frame scooting back and forth, scraping paint and slowly edging its corner further into the drywall. Your mind wanders upward in your imagination toward the source of the movements. Lilia on their knees on the bed, Sam behind them, equipped with the strap-on that she'd described using on Ellie with gratuitous detail. Her soft hips moving back and forth, pushing the long, smooth plastic between their legs in deep and hard, her breath hot and controlled, keeping an even tempo up for an absurd amount of time, a haughty smile on her face as she looks down at…

It's fine. It's fine. You're not hungry, you don't actually need a snack. It's fine. You reach for a pair of earbuds, but the case stays closed in your hand while you pull out your phone and idly swipe through a half dozen apps, none of them managing to capture your attention for more than a few minutes at a time. You keep finding yourself with your eyes glazed over as you as you scroll, not taking in any of the information on the screen. Eventually the pounding on the wall stops, and you blink, realizing that your phone had gone to sleep in your hand without you noticing. That snack is starting to sound more appealing by now — but as you check the time, you realize that all the restaurants and stores nearby had closed while you were on your phone.

Time to scrounge.

After checking the fridge, the freezer, and the pantry three times each without finding a culinary candidate, here you stand in front of the open fridge again, staring at a large brown paper bag, its mysterious contents unknown. Your curiosity and growing hunger getting the best of you, you reach toward the bag. Suddenly Sam's bedroom door opens, and she and Lilia come giggling into the kitchen, clinging to each other. Your attention turns to them, (how could it not, they're so loud), but they only have eyes for each other as Sam pushes her partner against the far wall and plasters them with sloppy kisses. Starting to giggle again, Lilia cries out that they can't breathe and they pull their head back, their gaze tracking to you, your presence finally catching the attention of one of the two lovebirds. Your hand is still frozen in the air halfway to the mystery bag in the fridge, when Lilia cries "Oh! I forgot about the chinese food! Sam! Sa— ah!" They reach up to slap Sam's invading fingers away from the edge of the green collar on their neck. "Sam! Cool it! I'm hungry, and your sister is right there."

Sam pulls her head back and turns around, her cheeks turning a deeper red than the rest of her already flushed face. Her eyes follow your outstretched hand to the food sitting in the fridge. "Oh! Uh do you um, do you want to share? Some chinese food I mean?"

You straighten up to match your sister's height from across the kitchen. "Sure. Everywhere else is closed." Sam doesn't catch the flat bottom of your tone, and she moves past you to retrieve the food, then begins heating it up for the three of you.

An hour later, Lilia is waving goodbye to Sam as they pull on their shoes, and then they rush out the door to make it to their job at the bar on the bottom floor of Sam's apartment building. Sam turns back to you at the table and immediately asks "Why the long face?"

"What do you mean?"

"C'mon, something's up. Don't think I can't tell."

You sigh. "… Ellie? Lilia?"

Sam's head tilts to the side. "I already told you, I'm polyamorous. Do we really have to do this again?" Your eyes drop and you set your used fork down on the bare table. Sam sighs. "C'mon, I don't want this to come between us."

"It's not coming between us."

"You're making it come between us right now! You know I wouldn't be with Lilia if it were going to hurt Ellie."

"I-" You bite down on an emphatic remark that you wouldn't have known the contents of until it escaped your mouth.

She's right. You are making it come between you. You let out a long, controlled sigh. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Thank you, but I know it isn't as simple as that. I want you to understand. You're my sister, and I don't want there to be a sore spot that either of us is just ignoring." She reaches her hand across the table to you. "Please, let's keep talking about this, but let's do it nicely. Ask questions. I'll answer anything, any time." You look at her hand, outstretched towards you as an olive branch, an invitation to improve and grow your sisterly relationship. You reach forward to take it, and she adjusts her grip to wrap hers around yours. Your eyes lift to meet hers, feeling a little sheepish for reacting so strongly, and her earnest and uncomplicated smile makes your heart skip a beat. In contrast to her tone a few sentences ago, there's not an ounce of annoyance in her face, just a thankfulness and adoration that makes you feel shy, dialing up the sheepishness at the forefront of your soul.

The next morning at breakfast, an open energy drink sits in your hand at your otherwise empty spot on the table. You open the conversation. "So, Ellie knows." Sam takes a moment to chew and swallow her chocolate chip waffle. "About Lilia? Yeah, since the start! Admittedly it was a day or two after we first got together that I got around to texting her, but that's fine." She waits for a response, finds no immediate reply, and returns to her plate for a minute or two.

"Um… why are you with Lilia too? Everything with Ellie sounded great."

"It is! There's just no real reason not to make other connections and appreciate other people too."

"It sounded like you both appreciated each other a lot last night." Sam smiles at you, looking embarrassed. "Were we too loud? I'm sorry, I told them that they were being too loud, but I don't think they were paying attention."

"It wasn't Lilia, it was the bed frame. I couldn't focus on putting out applications."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry! I'll fix it. I think I might be able to rearrange to move the bed to the other side of the room."

"You— … you don't need to do all that. Maybe just a blanket between the wall or something…"

"You've got it, sis! I'll figure something out."

The conversation drifts to your plans to go to the aquarium together this weekend, and by the time she leaves for work, your mind has settled a bit more. You've met Ellie before. She's very sweet and funny, and she's always been kind to you — you'd hate to think of her getting hurt, and that Sam might hurt her, but as long as she knows. As long as she knows.

Breakfast again. Carbonation and caffeine. "You've been with Ellie a long time, don't you want to marry her?"

"We've only been together for eight months, so it's a little early to think about that. Besides… I don't think so?"

"What? Why not? Don't you love her?"

"Of course! We're just like, not locked in the way a lot of monogamous relationships are."

"What do you mean?"

"Things are working right now—" Sam's face lights up. "—things are great right now! But things often change, and while it's super important to put in the effort to make things work where you can, sometimes things change too much for you to be able to make it work." She gets up and peruses the fridge, selecting one of your cans before returning to the table and opening it with a crack. "I dated this girl back at the start of college that I liked very much. She was very delicate, and though she took a while to open up, once she did she was the most loving and sincere person you can imagine. I could see her heart written on her face every time she spoke, and when she was happy there was nothing in the world brighter than her smile." She pauses and looks at you with a small smile on her lips, loaded with meaning that you can't quite put your finger on. The air feels charged with static, and once your gaze flicks up from the smile on her soft pink lips, your eyes lock to hers and you can't pull them away. "… She actually reminded me of you a whole lot." You swallow, reaching for the cold drink in front of you to try to counteract the warmth behind your ears.

"Things were beautiful and we were together for nearly a year, but she got accepted to a doctorate program at Colombia, and she had to move. We talked about maybe trying long distance, but seeing my partners in person is really important to me; If we were locked in with a monogamous relationship, we might have felt like we had to try to make it work, but it didn't seem likely that we could see each other even once a month, and that's not enough for me, so we decided to end things on good terms." Your sister looks down at her drink, rotating it in her fingers. "I wouldn't say I necessarily miss her anymore, but I do feel nostalgic for those times, and sometimes I still wish I could feel the way I did with her again…"

You can see the mixed feelings in her face, memories playing out behind her eyes as she stares down at the cold drink in her hands. "Doesn't it make you feel sad to lose her?"

"I guess… well, not quite sad. Melancholy maybe? Either way, I wouldn't say I lost her. We decided to part ways because that's how it needed to be for each of our lives. I needed to stay here, and she needed to go." She pauses to collect her thoughts. "It's kind of like, if you met someone on a vacation, and you had a really good time with them while you were there, but at the end of the day, they live where they do, and you have to go home at the end of your trip."

"I don't know if I'd be able to handle that as well as you. I have a hard time letting go when someone I care about leaves." She looks up at you, instantly reading your expression with complete certainty. "You really missed me, didn't you?" Sam's face brightens with a cocky smile. "You missed your big sister, didn't you!"

"Of course I did, idiot! You were my best friend! The house felt so empty with you gone, and I had nobody to talk to without my cocky sister around to laugh at my lame jokes." You and Sam share a laugh that warms your chest, and as your gazes meet again, you can feel a deep contentment to be here, living here with her, able to see her every day again. Her smile is so warm, and it feels like she looks right into your soul, telling you that you're just who she wants you to be. Your heart always seems to beat faster when she looks at you, and there's always this little touch of nervousness when she meets your gaze that you can't put your finger on.

Sam sighs contentedly, then returns to the conversation. "Camille was my first."

"Really, your first? All the way in college?"

"Rude!" Her face screws up with fake indignity, then she settles back into her chair. "I never hit it off with boys in high school, surprise surprise, and didn't meet anyone that I really connected to that way until Camille."

"Firsts are tough."

"Tough? What do you mean?"

"They're a big deal. To me, at least. She was so sweet and gentle, she always took it slow, and I could feel how emotional every touch was to her. We found a real deep connection, and while we were together it felt like I could always reach back to each of the moments we had together, but once she was gone it kinda felt like they were kind of all gone, somehow."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I'm sensitive to people like that leaving."

"Ohhh, did that happen with that friend you kinda had some kinda thing with?"

"Not really… I just… I guess it's just something I feel whenever I think about doing it with someone special to me and then think about the idea of them leaving."

Sam has a colluding smile on her face. "Ohhhh, do you have someone you like like that?"

"No!" The word jumps out of your mouth, and for some reason it feels like your head is really full, like you shouted out the answer before your mind actually took the time to assess the truth of it.

"Oh c'mon, you can tell your sister! I promise I can keep a secret."

"There isn't! Really. Besides, who do I even see but you right now."

A mischievous smile lights Sam's face. "I can totally see it in your face. There's definitely someone. You can tell me! I'm not the only hot girl around this apartment— ohhh, maybe you've got a crush on Lilia! Or is it Ellie?"

"No way! Besides, I still don't get how you could have a crush on someone who's with somebody already." Before Sam can reply, you stand up and throw back the rest of your drink. "Anyway, I have an interview to get to." Your older sister beams at you with a proud smile that makes your chest hurt a little for some reason. "Go get 'em, tiger." She gives you a wink that makes your lungs feel empty, then she pulls out her phone and looks down to it as you leave the room.

It wasn't quite true that you had an interview to get to — the coffee shop down the street is holding open interviews today, and you're free to get there any time before they close, but the conversation had been making you nervous, and you can feel your heart rate pumping weirdly fast for such a… schoolyard conversation. Sam has a career, and you're fresh out of college, what kind of talk was that? Crushes? As you root through your still-not-unpacked boxes of clothes to find something appropriately dressy for a coffee shop interview, the conversation plays back in your head. Your sister had pounced on the first hint that you had a crush, but that was obviously just her being nosy. You had made it sound like you were hiding something, but it's not like you actually do have a crush on anyone or anything. Just nerves from being pushed into a corner by her questions. After all, it was true when you'd said that you don't see anyone but your sister. And her partners obviously. Partners.

Two hours later, you're on your way home. The interview seemed to go okay, but you were third in line for one, so it's hard to feel super confident about your chances. As you walk, your mind returns to the conversations over the last two mornings. You've been giving Sam's polyamory a lot of thought since it first came up. While it isn't really your business, it had made you feel weird when you first found out, and there was no keeping anything from Sam; she's always been able to read you like a book. While it hadn't been exactly an argument when you first talked about it, Sam had explained everything like it was so obvious, and that made it hard to really take it in. But after your recent conversations, you're at least confident that you can be cool about it around Ellie. Ellie knows! That's what matters the most. You can be chill. As for Lilia… You take a deep breath. You can be cool. You and Lilia haven't interacted much yet, but they seem okay. After all, if Sam likes them, then they can't be a bad person.

Nearing your sister's, and it occurs to you now that it's also your apartment building too, your thoughts drift to that other girl she had talked about. Camille. Sam had said that you remind her of Camille. That smile she gave you when she said that… She was obviously just reminiscing about the times she'd had with her old partner, but the way she smiled at you… It still made you feel special. Thinking about that smile, you realize it still does make you feel special as you picture it in your mind. Could you ever really be that special to your sister? Of course you're her sister and that's special in its own way, but that smile was different, and you can't help but want to see it again.

Sam had said that Camille was her first. 'She was so sweet and gentle, she always took it slow and I could feel how emotional every touch was to her.' You've always known your sister to be confident and self assured. Hearing her talk so tenderly about her girlfriend taking things slow and soft… In your mind you can see Sam being laid down on a bed in a college dorm, gentle fingers tracing lines under the hem of her clothes, leaning over her, vulnerability and trust in her eyes and a warm feeling in the heart, warm lips pressing down to hers, Sam's quiet noises inviting hands to explore further…

You blink and suddenly your hand is on the handle of the apartment entrance door, someone on the other side pushing out through it and past you with a huff. Startled, you take a moment to reorient yourself and regain your composure, before heading back up the apartment. Sam is off at her job, and you have the apartment to yourself for the day. You decide to reward yourself for going to the interview! You pull out a big cookie from the box in the pantry, and heat up the last of the leftovers to keep it company. Hell, it's still before noon, what could another energy drink hurt?

On Saturday, Sam's delight at showing you around the aquarium is infectious, and by the time you're nearing the end of your tour it's becoming easy to see why she argued that sharks aren't the only interesting animal in the ocean. As you enter the last and biggest exhibit of the facility, she looks down to read a text on her phone. You can tell from the speed of her typing and the plaintive expression on her face once she looks up at you that it's from one of her partners, asking for something. Before she can even speak, a frown creases your eyebrows — this is your special day! You'd been looking forward to this for weeks, and this room had the shark exhibit that you'd wanted to see the most. As soon as Sam sees your expression, downcast and disappointed, her face freezes with a question half formed on her lips. Her eyes search your face, and without saying a word, her mouth closes, her expression turns resolute, and her attention drops back to her phone. She types out another quick text, sends it, then stuffs her phone in her back pocket and looks up to you with a bubbly smile, her new exuberance in stark contrast to the various expressions that she wore over the last ten seconds. "Let's check out the sharks!"

You sigh, "What is it?" Sam beams at you and tucks her hands behind her back. "Nothing!"

"Oh, come on."

"Okayyy, I got a text from Lilia asking if they can swing by in a half hour really quick to pick up some clothes that they forgot the last time they were over."

"Alright, let's go…"

"No." The unwavering resolution in her tone gives you pause, but you continue "Don't we have to—"

"No. We're not going anywhere. This is our city-warming day! We're going to see the sharks, and I'm going to keep showing you the city, and that's that! Lilia can find a different outfit for the concert."

Your mouth is open, and when you go to try to speak, you find that your throat is choked up. Your surprise is stark and evident on your face, and your pause lasts a moment too long, so your sister takes a step forward and wraps her arms around you and holds you close. She speaks directly into your ear "I'm not going anywhere sis. And neither are you." She leans back to look at your you, hands still wrapped around your back. "There's no place I'd rather be right now than right here with you." Your forehead and eyes feel hot, and you search for words, but you can't find any, so you lean forward and wrap your arms back around her. After a few deep breaths, you whisper "Thank you…"

After you separate, you spend plenty of leisurely time petting the sharks in the tanks, then stop for a quick restroom break before you leave the aquarium. When you return to the front of the building, you see Sam standing with her hands suspiciously held behind her, a coy look on her face. She stares at you as you approach, and before you can ask what she's up to, she pulls out a stuffed plush of the shark species that you'd been infatuated with for the last twenty minutes and presents it to you with a flourish. "Ta-daaaa — it's for you!" A smile overtakes your face, the biggest since your sister told you that she wanted you to move in. Your sister's grin seems to be even bigger than your own, her gift providing the perfect outlet to show her affection for you. Your heart is so full it could burst, and if it did then hell, wouldn't that be a good way to die, overwhelmed by the love of your amazing sister? Even more so than when she first turned down Lilia's request for her to come home earlier, you can't help but feel thankful that Sam had stuck to your plan and finished out your aquarium date—visit. Aquarium visit.

As you take the stuffed animal and look down to pet it a few times, Sam takes out her phone and checks the route to the next stop on the itinerary - her favorite sushi restaurant. You make your way across the city, and though there's room in your bag, the plush gift stays in your grip until you finally need both hands to eat at the restaurant.

Another morning, another breakfast. It's getting easier to ask Sam questions now, so you spring off a convenient mention of Lilia in the conversation to ask "So isn't Lilia like… what is it, she wears a collar. Isn't that like, a thing?"

"A thing?"

"Like, a special sexual thing?"

"Oh, a dynamic? It's not always like that with collars, but they do have one going on. Dynamics aren't always sexual either."

"What's a dynamic?"

Sam explains "A power dynamic. Lilia willingly gives up control to Damion because they like to be told what to do, and Damion likes telling people what to do — when they agree to it, of course." A look of uncertainty sits on your face, the details still eluding you. Sam recaps "Lilia is 'owned' by a dom that they give control to and obey. That's Damion."

"So if they're owned, then do they get to do things with other people?"

"They're both poly too, and besides, dynamics don't necessarily involve things like sex or romance that might get in the way of other sexual or romantic relationships. Some people get dommed in platonic dynamics, and sometimes that involves being told to do things with other people."

The language is unfamiliar to you, but you try your best, asking "So they're… being told to get 'dommed' by you too?"

Sam's face is thoughtful. "I'm not actually super sure? All I know is that Damion knows, and that Lilia is having fun, and that's what matters to me. Besides, I'm not usually the dominant one there." She sticks her tongue out and winks at you scandalously. Your previous mental image of the thumping on your wall immediately changes — you see your sister on her hands and knees on the bed, back arched toward the mattress, hands tight around the sheets. Her soft body, shiny with sweat, her movements matching the force being delivered to her, hair mussed on her head, breath huffing. She bites her lip to stifle a moan, leaning further backwards to provide a solid base to thrust into…

Your eyes snap back to focus on your sister, but wires cross as you see her sitting across the table staring at you, lightly biting her lip, one eyebrow lifted in a cocky expression at you spacing out. Trying to catch yourself and distract from your own distraction, you ask "What? I thought they like to be told what to do?"

"Mmmm, with some people, but it's different with others. With me, at least. They've kinda got this 'puppy' thing going on, where they can get pretty aggressive and kinda primal."

Another image at the forefront of your mind; Lilia between Sam's legs, her eyes upwards and locked on them, her hands pinned to the bed above her head, drool dripping on her exposed chest mixing with her sweat. You can feel your mouth start to water as you picture your sister's flushed skin and defiant smile looking up at…

Sam is suddenly halfway across the kitchen, leaning out to look at you from behind the open pantry door. "Hellooooo? Does that sound like a good plan for dinner or not? I can pick something up from the store instead if you want."

"Huh? Oh yeah, that sounds great. Do you like the collar stuff?"

"What? Oh. Uhh, I think it's hot on other people, but a dynamic is like, a whole thing, and I'm too independent for that. I once had someone give me their boyfriend's leash at a club once, and I got to drag them around and tease them and make them dance with me. That was fun."

You can see Sam dressed in skimpy clothes, a yellow leash in her hand, tugging on it and pulling you closer to her and wrapping her arms around you… Wait, what? No, she was pulling a boy around. Your mind tries to adjust to that idea instead, but the image dissipates almost immediately.

"—you doing okay kiddo? You've been spacy all morning."

"Yeah, I'm fine. And don't call me kiddo, you know I don't like that anymore!"

"I called you by your name three times and you didn't respond, I figured that would work— and it di-id!"

"What did the boy look like?"

"What?" Sam gives you a long look, and continues to stare at you watchfully as she continues. "Uhh, twink-ish? Pretty short. Tan, pretty hair. Lots of piercings."

Short? That doesn't really line up… You can feel your heart slide down a foot in your chest. Wait, line up with what?

Sam continues "Really quiet, he didn't say much. He didn't smile very much either. Not really my type, but it was fun for an hour or two."

Not her type? Your heart jumps up five feet from its low altitude, like a ride at an amusement park. "Wait, your type? You're bi?"

"Homoflexible." Sam collects her bag and pulls on her shoes. "Anyway, I have to get to work. Text me your order. And call me if you're going to be home late! I know you like your food fresh." The door shuts behind her and a key turns in the lock.

Ah hell, what did she say was for dinner?

Your clever gambit of texting your sister "Just get me my usual" may have paid off, but you had missed the most crucial detail of the dinner plans — apparently she had mentioned bringing someone named Cameron over, much to your surprise when he walked through the door with her later that night. After a quick introduction, he had proved to be a very charming character, and he had you and your sister smiling and laughing throughout dinner, following it up by entertained you with small facts and anecdotes throughout the cult classic movie that you all sat down to watch afterwards. Near eleven he said his goodbyes, leaving you in the kitchen with your sister as you attended to the leftover food and dishes.

"It was nice to have your friend over for dinner, we should do that more often!"

"Partner. But yeah, it was fun! I'm glad you two get along so well."

You round on your sister, a touch of asperity in your tone. "Another one? How many is enough?"

"It's not like I'm collecting them! But to answer your rude question, based on scheduling, four is probably my max." The room quiets as you both silently handle your tasks in the kitchen, a touch of tension in the air.

You were told to ask questions, so you clumsily ask "So he just… went home? He's not going to stay the night?"

"He's not the type. Likes his own bed. Lilia goes home after more intense sex for aftercare with Damion sometimes too." Sam looks over from the fridge to see your hands paused holding a dish over the sink, looking at her with a slightly confused expression. "Aftercare?"

"Sometimes, when someone's rough with you in bed, even though it feels good at the time, it can leave you feeling really vulnerable, and you need comfort. It happens when you're the one being rough too; sometimes you need assurance that you're still a good person and that it's not wrong for you to do those kinds of things. Lilia likes to be told that they're a good puppy and that they did a good job, and that needs to come from Damion, not me."

"Oh, okay. But that's with rough sex; why did Cameron go home instead of staying?"

"It's different with Cameron. He's ace — asexual. He's very romantic when we're alone, but he's not the type to get frisky, and he's not really much of a cuddler either."

"You said he's romantic though? What kind of romantic?"

Sam's voice lifts to a happy tone. "He likes the corny stuff. Candlelight dinners, walks in the park. Lots of movies. He likes the theater. The movie theater and live theater."

Moonlit walks with Sam through the park. Wind tousling her hair as she looks at you with love in her eyes, relishing the moment with you.

Seeing her all dressed up in her most elegant clothes, her makeup subtle but bespoke, the scent of an angelic perfume in the air.

The flicker of candlelight reflected in her eyes, her hand finding yours as you turn to see a red curtain rise over a stage.

"Do you like that stuff too? Live theater?"

"I like him, but the specifics of what we do aren't really important to me."

"And you just never have sex?" The idea of someone being in a relationship with Sam without being interested in having sex with her seems baffling.

Sam hesitates. "… To be perfectly honest he's very much my type in men and I'd like sex with him if he wanted it, but he's not interested, so we go with what he's comfortable with."

"And that's… fulfilling to you?"

Sam takes a long time to respond. "Not always. Most of the time yes, but romance does turn me on, and there's times that I wish I call up Lilia or Ellie to meet up with them after Cameron goes home, but I don't want them to feel like they're substituting for anyone else, and if I were to try to pre-schedule either of them to come by shortly after a plan with Cameron for a kind of… smoother transition that didn't feel like a substitution, anything about that timing going wrong might hurt Cameron and make him feel like he's not being enough."

Tentatively, your desire to understand greater than your apprehension at potentially stepping on toes, you ask "Isn't that… kinda how it is though?"

Sam sits down at the table and looks down at her hands. "Everyone I'm with knows about the others — that's how it has to be, you have to establish those things from the start. Everyone knows that the others kinda give something different than they do, and even though we all know that, feelings can still get hurt, and people can still feel insecure. Cam was broken up with by his first partner when he came out as ace, and I don't want to hurt him. He's a very sweet guy, and he deserves to know that he's appreciated for exactly who he is. Part of the appeal of poly is that you can have different relationships that fulfill different needs, and nobody has to be everything or any more than they want to be."

You sit down across from your sister, elbows leaned on the table, chin resting on one hand. "But what about Ellie though? Doesn't she do everything? You're the happiest when you're with her."

Sam looks up quickly. "I am! Well, not just when I'm with her." She stares into your eyes, her own smoldering with a kind of strange, radiant warmth. It's a relief when she gives your mind a lifeline to redirect your attention to, continuing "Ellie has a nesting partner." You raise your eyebrow, not knowing what that is.

"You could think of it like a primary partner. People usually don't call them 'primary' because it can make things feel hierarchical and like some partners are worth less than other partners. Nesting basically means that they're generally the partner that they live with and make their life with."

The question on your lips feels made of mercury and it spills out of your mouth, even though you already know the answer — "And you don't have a nesting partner?"

Sam's eyes are full of that strange warmth again, but this time you can see a blush creeping onto her face. "Well… I make my nest with you."

Your mouth is suddenly dry, and you can feel a much, much deeper blush pour onto your cheeks than the one displayed by Sam. For some reason that warmth in your face feels shameful, like your sister shouldn't see how much her statement affected you. You look at the floor, the words choking in your mouth. "I'm your… nesting partner?"

She takes a long time to respond. After what feels like an eternity, you can't take the silence any more, and you look up at her. Her mouth is slightly open, and she's looking at you with a mixture of enormous care and deep uncertainty. When she sees the blush still turning your cheeks and forehead scarlet and the glistening moisture in your eyes, the corner of her mouth lifts slowly.

"Do you…"

Your phone rings in your back pocket, loud and brash, shattering the moment. Your head full of heat and haze and full of swirling emotions, you quickly stand up, your legs knocking your chair back six inches, and your hand scrambles to pull your phone out of your pocket. You press accept on the call without checking the caller, and quickly say "I need to take this" before rushing to your room. You close the door behind you and put your back to it, slowly sliding down to the floor as you hear an automated pharmacy call about a prescription refill, the robotic voice sounding a million miles away from you.

In the following days the apartment felt very full and very warm. Sam's partners were in and out, and you could feel yourself start to sweat any time you were around your sister, finding any excuse to stay in your room or leave the house. Putting out job applications, making up phantom job interviews, headaches. One evening you come home from a solitary walk that you claimed was as a plan with a friend, and pass Lilia in the hallway. She smiles at you, fiddling with her collar to get it to sit more comfortably on a set of fresh hickeys. Your key turns in the lock of the front door and you open it to see the sunset blazing through the tall windows across from you. Your sister is seated on the couch, legs tucked up to her chest. She catches your eye before you can look away, and quickly asks "Hey! Can— would you like to go get dinner with me?"

You turn away to continue toward your room, already hot under the collar and nervous just from your sister speaking to you. "I'm not hungry."

"Wait, please! I- I miss you." You look back to her, a sincere and hurt expression written on her face. You can't say no to that. Whatever this is, whatever you've been feeling, you'll have to manage it for a few hours.

"Fine, I guess I'll get a dessert."

Seated at a high-top table in a bar and grill restaurant across the street from the apartment building, Sam's supply of fries are rapidly dwindling as they're not-so-subtly procured by the actually-quite-hungry sister on the other side of the small table. Once you place the order for the dessert you nominally showed up for, she finally asks you "What's up, honey? You've been avoiding me."

"I haven'—"

"Yes you have, I'm not stupid, sis. Please, open up to me. Is this about the nesting partner thing?"

As soon as you hear her speak those words again, you can feel hot lava painted over your chest and mouth, and you instantly start sweating under your jacket. Your thoughts about that night, what you'd said and Sam's interrupted question, are still a swirling, unresolved mess, and it's a struggle to figure out what to say. Your eyes search hers and finally fall away without any words to show for the effort, and they land on her neck, decorated with bites and hickeys to match Lilia's. Desperate for anything else to distract the topic, you blurt out "Is this aftercare?" Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say.

"No." Sam's eyebrows are furrowed, her response clear, but her face conveying a deep uncertainty at your question.

"I saw Lilia leaving with hickeys too, didn't you ask me out because she didn't stay after?"

"No, and I'm hurt that you would imply that! I asked you out because I love you"-jolts of electricity in your neck-" and I miss you. To be perfectly honest the last three nights I've wished that Ellie and Lilia would go home after our dates so that I could get the chance to see you again."

"Why didn't you ask them to go home then if you wanted to see me?"

"Well, for one I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me, and also because it feels like, disrespectful or something to tell a partner that I don't want to spend the night with them so that I can see someone else I'm not in a relationship with."

"Even if it's me? Just… because I'm not your partner?" Your voice trails off.

"It's just, it's different with partners—" she pauses and looks at you, her face and body very still. After a moment she tilts her head slightly and takes a deep breath. "Maybe it doesn't have to be." She reaches out, placing a hand on your cheek to turn your face to look at her, her skin cool against your own. Your eyes are bright again, tears within a hand's breadth of pouring out of you. "Baby, you're burning up." A waiter arrives at the table with a hot skillet cookie and places it down on an oven mitt. Sam quickly pulls her hand away from your face to clumsily fumble through her wallet to find a card, and she pushes it into the hands of the staff member, asking for the check to be taken care of as quickly as possible. As she waits for them to return with the card, she turns back to you and says "Look, we clearly need to talk more. I don't know exactly what's on your mind but it's clearly eating you up and it's starting to eat at me too. I'm so scared that I've hurt you, and I'm sorry if it's still not a good time, but I really need to hear what you're going through." She takes your limp hand in hers in the center of the table and her thumb nervously rubs in the crook of your index finger and thumb as she anxiously looks around the restaurant for the waiter with her card. After a few moments she catches his eye and waves, and he hurries over. Sam hastily scrawls a signature on the receipt and stuffs her card into her wallet with one hand, then gets up and pulls you to the exit. As soon as you step out into the night air and hear the sound of cars going by, your grip tightens on your sister's hand, and you run across the road with her during a gap in traffic.

When you step into the elevator, Sam pulls you to her and wraps her arms around you, gently turning back and forth in a soothing motion. It's not easy, but your thoughts are slowly managing to come together, and by the time you're back on the couch in your apartment with your sister's arms wrapped around you again, the words finally come together with more understanding than you've felt since you started asking about Sam's polyamory. Your sister waits patiently through multiple starts and stops as you try to figure out how to begin.

"I'm sorry that I made your polyamory this big whole thing. I was kind of worried about Ellie getting hurt, but more than that it hurt my heart to think that you were being taken advantage of. In my head it felt like somebody couldn't possibly be treating you right if they weren't in the relationship for all of you."

"They're not taking advantage of—"

"I know that. I can see that now. I can see now that nobody's getting hurt. I should have known better, because you wouldn't ever hurt anyone on purpose." Your head turns to look at Sam, and she gives you a warm smile at your acknowledgement of her disposition.

"It just felt… You're just special. You're so special. And I want you to be with someone that sees that and treats you that way, and it felt like having different relationships would get in the way of that. I know it isn't my place to think it either, but… if they don't know how much you mean, then they were… taking you away from me…" Your voice breaks, the confession of your jealousy and your misgivings about feeling that way in the first place breaking your control.

"Nobody's taking me away from you."

"I kno— … I know that now. There's just this hole in my heart that doesn't make sense when I think about it, and it only fills up when I see you."

"I'm always going to be here for you. With you. You're my sister. Nobody's ever going to change that or take me away from you."

"I know that as your sister I'm supposed to feel happy when you're happy. And… after everything we've talked about over the last few weeks, I do! I can see how they're good for you. How Lilia and Cameron and Ellie all make you happy. How they each do something special for you, and how you're special to them." A shiver overtakes you, even with your more positive tone. There's a long pause as you pull away to hug yourself, but Sam wraps her arm around your far shoulder and tucks you back against her, leaning her head on the top of yours.

"What I'm still left wondering, is… would you make Ellie your nesting partner if she didn't already have one—" "No" "— and I can't figure out why I care about that so much!" A sob hits you. Sam is surprised, and she pulls her head back to look down at you. She reaches up to turn your face toward her. "There's just, still this… my heart still… there's something in it when I look at you. Something different than I've ever felt."

Your sister smiles down at you. "It's okay baby, you can tell me."

You look up at her. Somehow it's a relief that she said that, but it didn't make it any clearer exactly what she's talking about. Your expression becomes confused, and you look at her plaintively, wanting to understand.

Sam looks around at your face, and her expression becomes a mix of compassion and pity. "Oh, baby, you don't know, do you…"

"You're in love with me."

It's like sunglasses were suddenly taken off your eyes. Her face is bright and loving, brighter than the sun, so brilliant you can't handle it, but still you can't take your eyes off of her. It all clicks; how could you not see it? At the same time the realization washes over you, your heart breaks. She's so right — and it's going to ruin everything. You're going to lose her, and you're going to have to move, and…

Desolation enters your heart at that thought. You certainly can't go home. You'll have to find a new place to live. New roommates. But everything had been so perfect with Sam before your feelings started to change… She had been so perfect. She still is, the biggest smile you've ever seen on a person's face, shining there, all for you. Even if it's just for now, before she tells you you have to leave, you want to be right here in her arms, living in the embrace of that smile. Though you don't want to break the moment, you have to ask.

"When did you know?"

"Well, it was obvious that you had a crush on someone when I asked about it. You're so easy to read, even when you don't know you're hiding something."

"The way that you've been extra protective, how you lit up at the aquarium, how much more you prize our time together since you moved in… I thought that maybe it was just how you are now that you've graduated, and that maybe all your questions were just protectiveness. I thought that maybe you were just jealous of my time being taken up by my other partners."

"It was when I said that I make my nest with you, that I could see something there. I wasn't sure exactly what it was in your eyes, but it looked like you wanted that real bad. I was about to ask you if you wanted to be my nesting partner in a platonic way, when we got interrupted."

A mote of hope blossoms in your chest, quiet and delicate. "We could… we could do that?"

"Oh honey, that's not what you want."

The hope winks out again. She's right. It feels like maybe platonic could work, anything just to stay with her, but seeing her love her other partners while you had to just watch and never get to be that kind of special to her, each and every day, until… Until what? Your face drops, tears in your eyes again, a fresh sob hitching your chest.

Sam reaches out and lifts your head to look at her again, her tone sweet and caring and infinitely tender. "What are you afraid of, baby?"

Barely managing to speak through your choked up throat, "That I'm going to have to leave, that I'll lose you…"

Sam caresses your face. "Oh sweet girl, I promise you that no matter what, you never have to leave here if you don't want to."

"Can I please be your platonic nesting partner?"

"Oh sweetie, you already are my nesting partner. But platonic, I don't know if you can do that…" Her lips purse slightly, and she looks down to yours, then looks back up to your eyes, a question written on her face that strips your heart bare and leaves you vulnerable and disbelieving of the reality of the moment. Your eyebrows knit together, desperate need and raw fear of the truth of this moment bleeding together in your mind. Your lips part and your head moves forward an inch, and your sister moves forward to meet you with the gentlest, sweetest kiss that you've ever felt. You can feel ambrosia burst in your heart and pulse through your veins, lighting up every place it touches, filling you with a golden love that felt impossible just seconds ago.

You're butter in your sister's hands as she kisses you, her soft lips leaving love and beauty in flower petals everywhere they touch. After a minute that melts the brain in your head, she pulls back and holds your face tenderly in her hands, staring into your eyes. Her love and adoration for you are written all over her radiant skin, the curves of her cheeks stretched by a care and joy that her physical form can barely contain.

"I love you baby."

"I love you…"

Sam leans backwards onto the couch, pulling you on top of her and kissing you again, her hands running up and down your back and shoulders, fingernails gently pressing in lines that raise the hair on your back and coat your mind in another layer of gold dust. Her lips break from yours, and she uses one hand to gently move your head to one side as she moves to trace her lips like the caress of a cloud on the skin of your neck. Hearing the quiet little noises coming from your mouth from the touch, she presses her wet mouth to you with a new firmness, her hands beginning to trace lines under the edges of your clothes. Every moment feels unreal, the very thought of your sister accepting your love and showing you her love right back bursting into fireworks each time in your mind before it can ever coalesce.

She raises her mouth to within millimeters of your ear, her breath brushing the hair on your skin and the vibration of her voice resonating in your head. "Mmm, baby girl?" Her fingers tuck under the hem of your jacket and pull upwards an inch, a gentle question posed by her hands. You lift back to sit straight up on her lap and reach down next to her hands and pull up, catching and stripping several layers off at once in your hazy desire to be seen and touched by your big sister, leaving you completely topless. Sam's teeth tuck onto her lip in clear appreciation of what she sees, her hands beginning to trace across your chest, pressing and squeezing in just the right places to make you grow hot, and the rest of your clothes suddenly feel tight and constricting in contrast to the exposure of your upper body. You lean back down toward her, seeing her lips adjust in preparation to meet yours again, but instead of kissing her you move further, your lips cupping her earlobe and and gently pulling away, before releasing and whispering in her ear "I love you." Your mouth travels down her neck, tracing every inch of her tender skin, flush and hot with arousal, the sounds of her pleasure at the stimulation close enough to your ears to feel like they're being played directly in your mind. Her fingers repeat her trick of tracing down your back, the sensation amplified by the direct contact, and her fingertips trace under the line of your waistband. You reach up to start to unfasten your remaining clothes, but she places one hand on your chest and pushes you back lightly to look at her, then she tugs at her own shirt, the back of it pinned against the couch by her body. She turns her head to wordlessly look toward the bedrooms and looks back to you with a sly smile, reaching both hands back up to your chest to push you lightly again.

Following her signal you stand up from the couch, pulling her to her feet after you. Before making any motion toward the bedrooms, you pull her into another kiss and lift her top up over her head, catching her with yet another kiss before the top comes all the way off, her hands still restrained above her head by the fabric. Once freed from the garment, she gives you that sly smile again and turns around, catching one of your hands and holding your fingers as she lifts it to trail from her shoulder, pulling you down the hallway after her. Instead of walking to the end of the hallway, Sam turns at your door and steps through, then she turns around and takes both of your hands to guide you to sit on the edge of your bed. Your sister lifts one hand to your face and pulls your bottom lip down with one thumb, then brings her hands back to strip the remainder of her clothes off in front of you. Once she's gorgeously bare, she leans down to kiss you again, her lips firm and emphatic, impressing every square inch of her love onto you over and over until you're out of breath. She pulls back with a cocky grin, then trails her fingers down to your remaining clothing. "Off with these then?"

Your hands move to unfasten them, and your sister helps slide them off of you. She leans you backwards until you're flat on the bed, then she traces kisses along your collar, mixing in firm licks as she slowly moves down your body, making her way down to your hips, where she sucks on your skin and traces her teeth ever so gently against your flesh. A delighted smile laces her face as she looks back up at you, then her mouth moves to find you, lips starting gentle as they trace along your silhouette, before her tongue adds moisture and she starts to stimulate you in earnest, confident pressure applied in just the right places at the right time and drawing moans from you, her hands moving smoothly in time to heighten your sensation. Her own light moans of arousal start to intersperse yours, the sounds in conversation between her intent and your body's building response to her expert touch.

Sensing how close you are, Sam tapers off the stimulation, and you begin to get a clearer sense of her sexual tendencies as she climbs onto the bed and positions her body over your face, lightly stimulating herself for a moment before she lowers herself to your mouth. The evidence of her arousal is striking, and the moment your tongue touches to her she lets out a long, smooth moan, like this is what she was waiting for from the moment she started to pull you back to the bedroom. Her hand drops to run her fingers through your hair, her pleasure with each movement of your lips and tongue spoken to you with complete clarity by the pressure from her hand and the sounds emanating from her throat. She begins to get a sense of your patterns and starts to move her hips to match, her free hand playing with her chest. The pressure against your face begins to grow alongside the intensity of her moans, until her other hand clutches at your head and she cries out, her voice controlled but clearly dripping with the pleasure pouring through her. Her thighs press hard to the sides of your head as she shakes, nails grazing your scalp, until her composure returns to her and she quickly adjusts her legs to free you from the pressure of her pleasure.

"God, you're good, baby girl." There's a bubbly kind of daze in her face as she looks down at you, and she stares into your eyes with adoration as she climbs back down your body. Your sister turns you to lay straighter on the bed then she starts to kiss you again, slow and firm, as her hands find you again and resume your pleasure. Before long you're drunk on her expert stimulation, and she learns exactly what takes you over the edge and into rapture.

Some time later, you're lying intertwined on your bed together, your face in Sam's chest, her fingers playing with your hair, both of you drifting slowly out of the haze of pleasure into drowsiness.

"Thank you."

"Thank you baby, that was amazing. Just like I wanted. Just what I need. You're delicious, my perfect girl."

"I'm happy."

"I'm so happy too."

"So you're okay with all of this?"

Your sister's hand trails down to your hip. "Oh, I wouldn't have done"—her fingernails trail up your side with a gentle pressure—"all this if it weren't." A shiver runs through you.

"Even though we're sisters?"

"Baby, all I care about is that it's you. I love you and I want to make you happy, and I want you to make me happy too, and you're so good at that, in every way." Feeling fulfilled, you snuggle closer to her body.

"Is this what it's like with your other partners?"

"Not the best pillow talk, asking about other partners at a time like this."

"But… I did tell you to ask questions. No, nothing has ever been like this. Nothing has ever felt like this to me before. You've always been special to me, and this means everything. Because it's you. And… the way that I feel about Ellie and Lilia and Cameron is different and special too, because they're them. There's a special place with everyone."

Somehow, after everything you shared tonight, you can't find any jealousy left in your mind. You're among the most special people in the world to your most special person, and if you can stay that way, that's all that matters, all you could ever want or ask for. "Are we partners now?"

"Yes, baby, if you want us to be. This is our nest, and we can be whatever you want us to be. Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"—Yes!"

Sam laughs. "You're so cute, sweetie. I would love for you to be my girlfriend."

A few minutes later, as the elated buzz in your mind at that dies down, you find another question. "What will you— we, I guess, tell everyone?"

Her response is immediate. "We won't tell mom and dad fucking anything. God." She takes a few seconds to continue. "As for everyone else, they'll have to know. Something at least."

"What do you want to tell them?"

"Can we tell them that we're partners?"

Sam pauses a moment in thought. "Sure."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. They know that you're important to me, and they trust me. They'll understand that this is mutual and what we both want and what we both need. I pick 'em well. I'm sure that they won't have a problem with us."

"You do realize that this makes you poly too, right?"

A slight pause, but without real reservation, you reply. "… Yeah. I don't think I'll really want to be with anyone else but you though?"

"That's totally fine, babygirl. Nothing wrong with that. Just keep talking to me. Keep asking questions if you need to. I'll do the same, cause that's what we do!"

"I love you sis."

"I love you, baby sister."