Chapter Text
Sasaki feels like he’s outside his own body.
He can’t control himself, acting on instinct and emotion like he’d done with his sister so many years ago.
He promised himself he would never hurt the person he loves. And yet, here he is. Miyano telling him that everything he’s ever done—every kiss, every touch, every brush of skin on skin on skin—was…
Wrong. Forced. Unwanted.
He reaches out. Grasps Miyano’s wrist as the other boy tries to run away, doesn’t let go.
“What do you mean?” Sasaki croaks out, feeling like his heart has been ripped in two. “You never loved me? I… I made you do it? Everything?”
Miyano’s eyes. They’re wrong. So full of hatred and disgust. He tears his wrist from Sasaki’s grip.
Sasaki chases. He shouts, confused, trying to make sense of it all, but Miyano is faster.
Somehow, he’s always just out of reach.
Finally, they reach Sasaki’s family home, the bakery his parents run, back in his hometown. Somewhere he hasn’t lived in three years, since he graduated high school and moved into an apartment closer to his university.
Miyano hides behind Satoko.
“What is wrong with you?!” She shouts, shoving him backward. He falls. His palm stings, like hers had. It bleeds, staining the concrete.
She continues. Relentless. “You’ve never been normal! You- you cross everyone’s boundaries, you never think about what anyone else wants!”
No, he wants to shout back, but the words catch in his throat. No, I always think about other people! I restrict myself so I don’t hurt anyone, so I don’t do anything wrong! I would never be so selfish!
“Yes you would!” Miyano cuts in. “You’re always selfish with me, you just take, and take, and take!”
Sasaki’s heart shatters. He feels it, the way his worldview crumbles, the way his mind starts to spiral into those awful thoughts he thought he’d left behind in middle school. To hurt himself, to isolate, to just rid the world of the burden he puts on everyone.
“I’m sorry,” He finally croaks. “I’m- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
There are fireworks at his feet. He shoves them away, clawing at his wrists, tugging his hair, tugging at the freshest piercing on his ear to try and keep himself grounded.
And yet, he’s still spiraling.
“I’m so sorry Miya, ‘m sorry, Satoko I- I’m sorry,” He sobs.
It’s strange. He usually never cries. He’d rather internalize, keep it inside and quiet and not bother anyone.
He feels someone shaking him. “Sasaki?”
He shakes his head, an ugly sound escaping his chest. “I’m so sorry.”
“-Shuu? Shuumei, wake up,” The voice again.
Miyano’s voice.
That’s not right. Yoshika- Miyano hates him.
He doesn’t have the right to call him Yoshikazu anymore.
“Shuumei!”
Sasaki jolts, suddenly all too aware of the weight of his limbs, the exhaustion in his body, the gross taste of morning breath in his mouth.
He takes a deep, shuddering breath. Looks at Miyano, who is so worried.
“I’m sorry,” He murmurs, quiet and hoarse.
Miyano’s brows pinch. He shakes his head, voice just barely deeper from sleep. “No, Shuu, it’s okay. Are you alright? You were… Having a nightmare, I think.”
Sasaki swallows thickly. That’s right. Miyano would never say something like that.
He drapes himself over Miyano’s torso, head tucked in his neck.
“You love me, right?”
Miyano blinks owlishly, then sighs, soft. Places a hand on Sasaki’s head, running his fingers through his hair, while the other rubs his back.
“Yes, Shuumei,” He murmurs. “I love you very much. Please, don’t forget that.”
Sasaki’s heart rate starts to slow, finally. His panic subsides and he sniffles, realizing he’d been crying in his sleep. “I made a mess of our pillows, didn’t I?”
“I don’t care about a pillowcase. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Miyano sighs. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Sasaki shakes his head. “No. Not right now. Just wanna hold you a while.”
With a soft smile, Miyano lies on his back, opening his arms to welcome Sasaki to lay on his chest—an invitation the latter takes, wrapping his arms around Miyano’s middle and nuzzling into the crook of his neck.
The two bask in the quiet. It’s probably much too early to be awake, but neither of them really want to go back to sleep.
“You mentioned Satoko,” Miyano whispers. “Do you wanna call her later?”
Sasaki gnaws on the inside of his lip. Props himself up, just enough to look at Miyano and pout. “…Not really. She would keep me on the phone for hours.”
Miyano snorts, pressing the softest of kisses to the corner of Sasaki’s lips. “Probably. Just… Talk to me, okay? When you feel good enough to.”
Sasaki hesitates, but still nods. “Yeah. I will. Just not today.”
Miyano pulls Sasaki closer. “Don’t make me call her for you.”
Sasaki laughs, quiet and weak, but still real. Genuine.
Miyano feels like a weight has lifted from his chest. As long as Sasaki is okay, he’s happy.