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Jongseong had known Sunoo since he could remember—the kind of friendship that built itself from nothing and suddenly turned into everything. From spending their time over honing their skills, proving themselves worthy, pressure, dancing ‘till their bodies give out, singing at the top of their lungs, it turned to spilling silent secrets and worries under the dim light of their practice room, to cheering each other up when the other one is down, to sharing one’s dreams and aspirations, and to late-night panic over life decisions they weren’t ready to make. Not because it was difficult but because they wanted to make sure that every decision, no matter how big or small, they’d remain in one another’s presence. And so, somewhere between then and now, they became constants in each other’s lives. No questions asked. Sunoo in Jongseong’s and Jongseong in Sunoo’s.
Then they came to a realization; they weren’t just best friends—they were default settings. The kind of relationship that goes beyond the usual closeness of best friends; like the very example of fundamental and unshakable. Though, of course, rough patches do happen. Misunderstandings occur. But there is nothing that they can’t solve and they will always go back to each other naturally like it’s meant to be, like an automatic configuration that everything returns to. Because they were default settings. They didn’t have to work at being close as their connection was instinctive, built-in, effortless. That, for some unknown reason , they will always return to each other.
So, if someone asked Sunoo who his person was, he’d say Jongseong without a second thought. And Jongseong? Well, he had this way of showing up exactly when Sunoo needed him, like it was instinct.
They shared advice, presence, favorite perfume stores and clothing shops, food recommendations, day off hangouts, and stupid inside jokes that no one else understood. They never said “I love you” out loud. No, never in that way at least. But it was in the way Sunoo always made sure Jongseong was not alone, and the way Jongseong always thought of Sunoo in everything that he did. It was in the way that they made each other feel seen, included, mattered, and cared–even in their most annoyingly Sunoo and Jongseong way. Even when Jongseong made it his life mission to tease Sunoo for all he has and even when Sunoo lets him but later on, teases back just as much to see his hyung’s reaction.
But one day, Jongseong noticed something. It didn’t come off as a surprise. It wasn’t new, not really. It had always been there. He just hadn’t let himself see it. Still, it didn’t make it any less harder. It wasn’t easy at all to acknowledge whatever it was that he felt.
He had seen it countless times before. He had seen different versions of it. Sad? Radiant? Fake? Forced? Playful? Smug? All of it, Jongseong has seen. So, what makes this one different? Why does Sunoo, suddenly, appear to be so graceful and captivating while smiling behind the screen of his phone? Why does his heart feel like hammering against his ribs? Still, he masked it all up with a smile himself. As if he didn’t just see a whole another future playing out in front of him, as though he was oblivious to the way the boundary between him and his best friend was starting to fade.
“Hyung, is everything alright? Why are you smiling?” Sunoo would ask. And Jongseong, poor Jongseong could only blink a few times as if he got caught in a trance. Until he felt a soft splash of water on his cheeks, clearing his throat and quickly hiding his phone behind his back. A soft, “Y-yeah, fine, alright”, escaping his lips, cursing at himself for being caught.
But he’s not fine, alright? He’s far from being one.
Later that night, Jongseong stared at his ceiling, wide awake. Not an ounce of tiredness behind his eyes. Believe him or not, he tried. He tried sleeping. He even counted sheep but to no avail. Well, how can he sleep when Sunoo is all he can see whenever he closes his eyes? He’s afraid that Sunoo would appear in his dreams wearing that smile. A smile that could immediately light up the whole sky—gosh, the whole universe if it’s possible. That smile; it made him exceptionally beautiful.
How the hell am I supposed to sleep? Jongseong twisted and turned on his bed until his legs got tangled with the sheets. He sighed and closed his eyes. But no matter how hard he tries, the same thing plays in his mind in a loop.
It was Sunoo’s smile.
That damn smile.
And Jongseong thought, “I’m doomed.”
If you ask Jongseong, what kind of smile does Sunoo have? He’d probably say, he has a beautiful smile. One that could make everything feel better. Yet, if you ask him on a deeper level, he’d probably make a presentation with a hundred slides just to explain and prove his point. He'd probably say that Sunoo had the kind of smile that didn’t just sit on his lips—it lived there. For Jongseong, it’s like Sunoo’s smile is the epitome of home—warm, comfortable, and bright. Jongseong would say that Sunoo's smile had character, like it knew secrets and stories, like it had history. Jongseong sees Sunoo’s smile as radiant and disarming. The kind that seems to light up his whole face before his lips can actually curve into one. He would say that when Sunoo smiles, his eyes would soften into crescents. His smile would give you the impression that he’s not smiling at you but into you, as if sharing a secret warmth. Like the moon, and how it smiles down at you in the middle of a cold night, sharing its warmth and presence as an assurance. It was the smile of someone who wasn’t trying to impress anyone but rather someone who smiled because he felt like it.
I've seen that smile a thousand times before. But why is it starting to hit differently now? Why is it more delightful and makes him glow? And, why am I smiling just the same? When did his smile become the reason of my own?
To say that Jongseong was in an inexplicable situation was an understatement. Things weren’t supposed to go this way, not this path. Not like this. But yet, it’s happening. Right before his eyes. He doesn’t even know if Sunoo feels it too which made Jongseong feel worse than he already is. Sunoo probably only sees him as his hyung, a brother, a best friend. Someone he dances with on stage, someone he shares the spotlight with, someone he confides with when things get difficult for him. But never in a romantic way.
Jongseong really tried not to feel a certain way. As much as he could, he avoided looking at Sunoo’s face, at his lips. He avoided his presence altogether thinking that he could avoid acknowledging his own feelings. But like a magnet, he couldn’t help but be drawn to the younger. One hyung, one touch on his shoulder, one body leaning on his side, one question asking if he’s okay, one silly thing that he did that made Sunoo laugh, he’d come falling back—hard and fast—like right now.
It’s happening yet again.
After their rehearsals, Jungwon asked them to watch a horror movie with him. While the others refused, like Jongseong, Sunoo clapped his hands and agreed to watch it. But not even a few moments later, he appeared in the living room dragging Jongseong with him on the couch where Jungwon was waiting, an amused and knowing smile on his lips.
“Sunoo, I don’t think—” Jongseong tried to excuse, but one look at Sunoo and every single thing he had to say jumped out of the window. How could he refuse when Sunoo’s looking at him like that? Like he’s asking him to stay even just for an hour? Jongseong didn’t say anything, he wasn’t able to. He was caught in a trance, once again. And Sunoo? He quickly picked up and knew that his hyung wouldn’t refuse him. So, he smiled.
That smile again.
Jongseong didn’t say anything even if he wanted to. What is there for him to say that won’t make things between them awkward? Or suffocating? He couldn’t just blurt out, “Hey, Sunoo, your smile is so fucking beautiful I could marry you right now.” or “If your smile is a prison, I’d be your prisoner.” or something simple like, “You’ve always been so pretty smiling, but you looked even prettier now and I’m starting to fall in love with you.”
He couldn’t. So, he sighed and slumped at the other end of the couch to which Sunoo smiled even wider in return. Jongseong put his hand on his chest, as if anchoring his own heart. He’s certain that one of these days, Sunoo would be the death of him and he’d thanked him for it.
Jungwon, who was on the other side, stood witness to everything. A smirk plastered on his lips, enjoying the way his Jongseong hyung couldn’t handle a simple smile. He even had the audacity to wiggle his eyebrows at Jongseong when Sunoo got immersed at the introduction of the movie, his focus solely on the screen. The eldest widened his eyes at him, hand still clutching his chest. Because it’s not a simple smile. That smile is worth millions, it’s worth the whole world for him. Nothing in the world could ever compare to that smile.
And Jongseong tried to test it.
After their movie night, Sunoo bid them good night, leaning just a bit beside his Jongseong hyung before fully making his way to his room. A silent, ‘Good night, Jay hyung’, hanging in the air when Jongseong wasn’t able to respond right away. Jungwon snickered teasingly that brought Jongseong back to reality, stuttering a little in response to Sunoo, “Uh, yeah, good night, Sunoo. Sleep well, okay?”
Jungwon shook his head at the scene before him and stood up himself but before he could do so, Jongseong pulled him back and asked him to smile. The younger was baffled, looking at his hyung as if he grew a second head. When the silence stretched for over a minute, Jungwon understood that Jongseong wasn't joking so he smiled. A genuine one. “Hyung, are you okay or do I need to restart you? Are you malfunctioning?” Because Jongseong froze on his spot at the confirmation.
Jungwon’s smile didn’t hit the same way.
It was only Sunoo.
There was really something about his smile that other people didn't have.
And it’s beautiful. So beautiful that it spreads all over his face.
It’s too fucking beautiful that Jongseong found himself falling deeper than before.
The following days, to say the least, weren't easy. He still shows up for Sunoo, he didn’t avoid him like he used to because he later found out that it was no use. He still supports him, checks up on him, and makes sure that Sunoo is comfortable—and vice versa. The younger is always there for him, too. Talking to him, sharing something about the drama he recently watched, a funny video he saw on twitter. Yet these moments, Jongseong realized, when it happens, Sunoo would always cling a little closer to him. A little near each time, a little distance faded between them over every video. With each ‘ Jay hyung’ and ‘Sunoo-yah’ and every shared glance, it felt like something more began to quietly appear.
Or maybe it was just him, maybe it was just Jongseong and himself trying to convince himself that there’s a chance, that it’s possible. Maybe Sunoo felt the same way too. Maybe during the past few weeks that he started to feel different toward Sunoo, the younger had noticed and felt it too. Maybe it wasn’t one-sided at all.
But there is a problem.
They were too close, and that closeness was the problem. He couldn’t risk losing Sunoo over a feeling—over a maybe, over a smile. He couldn’t risk losing all the moments they have shared, the jokes only them understands, the midnight silence that always took over them after a heavy conversation concerning their future. He couldn’t risk the thought that Sunoo won’t smile at him anymore, that he won’t be at the receiving end of that lovely smile. But on top of all that, what Jongseong couldn’t risk the most is Sunoo’s comfort. If he doesn’t feel the same way about him, he knew that Sunoo’s kind heart would feel bad. He couldn’t afford that. He couldn’t afford to see him sad over something he didn’t do, over something he cannot control.
And so, Jongseong settled on the little things. Being there for Sunoo. Swallowing every attempt to confess, to blurt out his feelings. But as mentioned, it wasn’t easy.
Because it started slipping out.
In the way he watched Sunoo when he wasn’t looking. In the way he’d linger in conversations, hoping they wouldn’t have to say good night yet. In the way he cheered for him and called out his name under his breath even only in passing when no one was around, like it was a routine. It started slipping out in the way he’d teased him just to see his million dollar reaction. In the way he’d watched him disagree when people called him cute. It was in the way he started memorizing every variation of Sunoo’s smile—sleepy smiles, proud-of-you smiles, that rare vulnerable one when Sunoo got too quiet for too long, all of it. It all started slipping out as it slowly weighed heavily on his chest.
There were also close calls. The almost. The almost confession.
Like the time they reached for the food at the same time, fingers brushing just long enough to notice, a spark instant and at the tip of their fingers. Or when their shoulders pressed together on their couch while watching a movie, and neither of them moved away but rather moved closer, chasing that warmth and contentment. Or when laughter left them breathless over something silly, eyes locking in an understanding that felt more than just a friendship. Or like the most recent one.
It was another movie night led by Jungwon and his sudden enthusiasm to watch horror movies that he actually never watched. In the middle of the third movie, while some of them have gone back to their respective rooms, they fall asleep on the floor. It was too cozy not to doze off and so, Jongseong woke up with Sunoo’s head resting against his chest with the latter’s left arm draped comfortably over his torso. While his own hand was wrapped protectively over the younger’s shoulder. He didn’t move for an hour. The credit scene of the movie came to an end only for another random movie to play—but he didn’t watch it. Jongseong just sat there, heart thudding, staring at Sunoo’s peaceful face as if he was the most captivating movie he had ever seen. Because for Jongseong, he is.
There was also a time when Sunoo said, “You’re my favorite person, you know that?” over ice cream at midnight, grinning like it was obvious, like it was the most natural thing in the world—and Jongseong froze mid bite. The ice cream melted on the spoon as it slowly fell on his hand. Sunoo laughed and wiped the melted sweetness, staring at Jongseong amusely. And Jongseong? He almost replied, “I think I’m in love with you.”
But he didn’t.
Instead, he smiled back in return. Praying to the world that Sunoo didn’t notice the slight tremble of his lips. Instead, he quickly ate the rest of his ice cream and waited for Sunoo to finish his before he hastily stood up, bid a rush good night that confuses the younger, and ran back to his room. He swore he could almost hear the pulse on his ears as he carefully held his chest, trying his best to calm his heart.
He didn’t confess, because best friends don’t say things like that.
Instead, he said, “And you are my favorite too, Sunoo. In all ways.”
Like they said, ‘no secret remains unrevealed’. All the pretention, the hiding, the denial, the avoidance of what’s really out there—all of it couldn’t last forever. Even though Jongseong tried to suppress it all, he knew that one day, he’d spill it. Everything. All at once. Like a nonstop and raging river ready to wreck the boat he tried to keep afloat just so he wouldn’t have to face how deep he actually had been in his love for Sunoo. How deep he had fallen without realizing it.
Especially now.
The night seems colder despite the clothes clinging to their body. Sunoo and Jongseong are walking home after a long night—even though it was only a few hours. It was almost midnight and the city was buzzing quietly around them, cars were passing by carefully as if aware of the tension built between two friends whose steps and every move were suddenly calculated, like a single screech would break the silent atmosphere that took over them once they left the coffee shop they were in just a few moments ago. No one dared to speak.
None of them know what to say. Not after tonight.
Jongseong was tired—of hiding, of holding it all in. Which he acknowledged as his own fault as Sunoo asked him to accompany him on a date. A nice guy , nothing serious. He agreed, of course, he did. That’s what best friends do—support and be there for him no matter what the circumstance is.
When Sunoo said, “Hyung, can you please come with me on a date? Just in case it goes bad?” Jongseong’s world shattered but he still smiled and answered, “Of course, Sun, I’ll go with you.”
Currently, Sunoo is talking about his date. How nice it was, no pressure, just two people getting to know one another. Jongseong listened as if he didn’t know because he knew everything. He was just in the booth next to Sunoo and his date as per the younger’s request. But still, he listened. He took note of how Sunoo’s voice is a bit small, how he’s not meeting his gaze, and how his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Jongseong didn’t just listen, he observed. So, he asked, “Was it okay? Overall?”
Sunoo nodded and Jongseong forced a smile. “That’s good.” He said. But in reality, he wanted to say, “Don’t go again. If he asks you for another date, don’t go.” But that would be really selfish of him. Sunoo is smart, strong, and independent. He doesn’t need someone telling him what to do, he doesn’t especially need his best friend telling him what to do. That’s why Jongseong repeated himself, “That’s good, Sunoo.”
“You think?” Sunoo glanced sideways, unsure of the answer he got. He felt like there’s something more to it. There’s something more to Jongseong words that he’s not saying, that he wanted to hear. “You’d tell me if he wasn’t, right?” So, he pushed more. Stepping slightly near Jongseong who straightened his back at the close proximity.
“Of course, Sun.” But they’ve known each other for a long time. Sunoo knew there was something wrong. He knew Jongseong like the back of his hand. There was a shift to his aura, one he had noticed long ago but more prominent now with the way his responses were polite, short, and too careful. Sunoo knew a long time ago that his Jongseong hyung had so much to say, even when it wasn’t necessary. So, this? This is nothing like his Jay hyung.
Sunoo stopped, now stepping in front of Jongseong who got taken aback by the sudden action. “Hey.” He murmured softly, reaching for Jongseong’s hand which was tucked inside the pocket of his jeans. It was closed in a fist, cold, and the knuckles almost white.
Jongseong turned and gasped at the touch, trying his best to stay composed but his hand trembled when Sunoo wrapped his own with his. He gulped so hard he swore his voice got swallowed too.
Sunoo looked at him, really looked. Jongseong felt like his gaze was piercing right through him and he got scared but at the same time, he felt safe too. He felt seen, he felt valued, and he felt like whatever he’d say now, Sunoo wouldn’t run away. So, when Sunoo asked him a simple, “Are you okay?” Eyes sparkling with concern, voice soft, and his hand caressing his own. All hesitation left his body.
Jongseong wanted to keep quiet but the words came out anyway—fragile, quiet, but nonetheless, honest.
“I hate how much I love your smile.”
Sunoo blinked, not expecting that kind of response. “W-what?”
Jongseong laughed bitterly, suddenly unsure of himself. “I know. It was a stupid thing to say. But, dear … every time you smile at me, that smile you wear every single day, I fall a little more, a little deeper. And I’m trying not to, believe me, I’m trying not to. I have been trying not to. I even prayed once that we get into a relationship soon because you are starting to look more like a future to me than a best friend. When I think of tomorrow, I think of you. When I think of a family, I always see you. Your smile, your presence, your energy. Sunoo, you are my best friend but I see you in everything. And like I said, I’m trying not to. But it’s getting harder. And I don’t know what to do with that.”
Then silence. The worst kind—full of unknowns. The kind that made Jongseong want to run away and disappear into thin air if possible. It was the kind that could break their friendship or make something out of it. It was the kind of silence that they never had to share before because things were still easy. Jongseong felt like gasping for air while Sunoo didn’t speak for a long time. Just stared at him. Replaying the words in his mind, memorizing every single one of it.
Then, softly …
“Silly. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Jongseong looked up. Letting out a shaky breath, shaking his head like waking himself up if ever this was only a dream. Convincing himself that he didn’t just confess to Sunoo. But he just did. “Because you’re my best friend, Sun, and best friends don’t develop romantic feelings for their best friends.”
“Who said that? You? You think I don't feel the same?” Jongseong felt like fainting while Sunoo laughed at the reaction, leaning down a bit to gently slap Jongseong’s shoulder. Delighted at the fact and at the realization that they have been secretly pining for each other. That they are actually two idiots in love but don't know it.
Jongseong slapped himself which shocked the younger and when he was about to do it again, Sunoo caught his hand and intertwined it with his. “W-wait … Hold on … You…?”
Sunoo stepped closer, eyes flickering down to Jongseong’s lips, then back up. Suddenly very aware of the closing distance between them but he doesn’t care enough to acknowledge it because in reality, it didn’t matter. Not anymore. “ You idiot. You really didn’t notice how I smile differently around you? You think I didn’t feel it too?”
“But .. You just … The date … ? You went on a date? Was it a date?” To say that Jongseong was a complete mess was an understatement. He was basically falling apart in front of the person he loves. Yet, he also couldn’t care less. He just felt like the happiest man but he also doesn’t know how to express it considering that Sunoo feeling the same way about him isn’t fully registering in his system yet.
“For someone who fell in love with my smile and the things I’m not sure if loveable, you sure don’t pay attention to anything else. That was Jungwon. He planned this. He said that he was tired of me always venting to him about my feelings for you that he had to take matters—” But Sunoo wasn’t able to finish when Jongseong interrupted him.
“What? Oh, gosh. That’s why the voice sounded familiar—Wait, so he knew? You and me?”
“Jungwon knows everything. And I mean, everything.”
And then, that smile again. The one Jongseong knew better than anything in the world. Except now, it was different. Now, it was just for him. He knew it was just only for him. So, he said the most certain thing …
“I love you, Sunoo.” He said, because there was no more hiding it. No more pining, no more pretending. They felt the same way and it’s real.
“And I love you too, silly.”
After their confession, nothing drastically changed overnight.
They still argue over who is cuter. Still finished each other’s thoughts, still showed up for each other, still bonded over midnight thoughts and pondered over their futures. They still tease each other for the laughs, still best friends.
But their smiles, that somehow always mirror one another? It changed. They have a smile especially reserved for themselves. Sunoo’s smile is still beautiful. Still captivating and like a trap that Jongseong would be thankful to fall into but now, he kissed that smile good morning. He kissed that smile good night, he kissed that smile in assurance, in happiness, in random moments, and even in sleep.
And now, Sunoo laced their fingers together on movie nights, while eating ice cream, while talking, while sitting in silence at night.
Most of all, when Sunoo laughed at Jongseong’s stupid jokes, he didn’t just fall in love again.
He landed.
Softly. Completely.
And for once, he didn’t have to hide it.