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Why?
That’s something that Ava has been asking herself for a very long time.
Why?
The ground is shaking.
Why?
Someone is screaming.
Why?
No, everyone is screaming.
Why is this happening?
She asked Reya that once. In the earlier days of her stay in Reya’s dimension, Ava had looked at her and asked. It should’ve been an easy question, especially to a supposedly all-knowing being.
But she didn’t get an answer.
No, Ava only got a long sad look and was sent away.
That’s all Ava ever did. She trained and she trained for a war she didn’t understand. For a war she wanted no part in. And all she wanted was one answer. One simple answer to quieten the storm in her head.
Why?
Reya could barely look at her.
Why?
The angels would look at her with pity.
Why?
The tarsasks were the only ones that came near her.
Why?
Ava doesn’t know how much time she spent there. You lose track of time when it doesn’t exist. When the straight path starts to convert into something you don’t recognize.
It could’ve been hours or days.
Maybe weeks or months.
Hell, it could’ve been a millennia and Ava wouldn’t have known.
Why is she doing this?
Is something she asked herself every second that passed.
Why fight for a war that means nothing to her?
But she did have an answer for that.
For them.
For her .
Ava wasn’t doing any of this for the sake of humanity. She wasn’t doing this to save Reya’s home.
Ava followed the path in front of her because she was selfish. Because her own longing was a leash that dragged her along.
Because she wants to see her family again.
Ava just wants to be by Beatrice’s side again.
So, Ava broke her body day after day for a chance to return to all of them.
But it’s never that simple.
What would happen if Ava went back and they weren’t there? What if she took too long to get back to them?
She begged Reya to let her know how long it had been, but she always shook her head.
So, Ava worked harder, faster. She needed to get out of here.
And finally, the time came for Reya to let her loose. Ava pledged to end this war.
She promised a lot of things.
A lot of which she knew would never come true.
But when she finally made it back to earth, Ava realized something.
Even if she did everything right, if she ended Adriel’s army, death could still knock at her door. One simple slip up and she could lose everything.
She stood outside Cat’s Cradle, where her family was waiting for her and she turned around. She walked away.
She left because she was selfish.
She left because she was a coward.
What was the point of saving the world if she wouldn’t be able to be with them?
What would be the point if she held Beatrice in her arms as she died?
So, the war started, and Ava kept her distance. Making all the attention turn towards her, trying to keep the war away from their front door.
Of course it didn’t work.
The OCS would never stand by with their arms crossed.
Beatrice wouldn’t sit out of the fight.
Ava had to watch as her family spilt blood for a case that wasn't theirs. For a god that couldn’t care less about any of them.
Yet she still stayed away because the moment she got close the more blood would be lost.
She fought and she fought. Demon after demon it got worse, but she wouldn’t stop. No matter the amount of blood she had to spill. No matter how many lives she had to take Ava couldn’t stop until everyone was safe.
Ava licked her own wounds and ran herself ragged. There had to be an end.
Right?
That’s what she asked herself as she walked through an empty graveyard. Do not ask her how she got here, Ava doesn’t know. One moment she was at the battlefield desperately trying to help her family, when she saw her.
Beatrice.
They had locked eyes for one moment and it felt like the world was okay. But then a demon almost crushed Beatrice and Ava lost it. She doesn’t remember what happened but the next moment she was covered in blood. She could hear someone call her name, but she couldn’t stay.
Ava could never stay.
What would Beatrice think? What would she say about Ava being here and never looking for her? Could Beatrice ever forgive her for this crime?
So, Ava ran and she’s here. In a small forgotten graveyard.
And here’s when the universe decides to have a sick sense of humor. Ava turns her head ever so slightly and freezes.
She stands in front of the gravestone and it’s at that moment that Ava decides she’s lost it.
Luz Silva.
It can't be. There's no way she's seeing this right but no matter how hard she rubs her eyes the name doesn't change.
Is there where her mother had been all this time? No one ever bothered to tell her where her mom’s final remains were. She looks around trying to understand and almost laughs at the absurdness of this.
St Michael’s is only a twenty-minute walk from here. Her mom had been here the entire time and Ava didn’t know. She didn’t even bother to look for her in the few moments of peace she had.
That’s when exhaustion hits Ava. She falls to her knees and stares at her mother’s grave.
Ava doesn’t remember much. Her time before St Michael’s is blurry at best, forgotten at worst. But Ava can still remember her mother’s smile. It’s hard to forget when it’s the one she sees in the mirror every day.
She remembers how it felt to be held by her. If Ava closes her eyes, she can almost imagine her mom laughing at whatever antics she was doing.
It’s ironic how Luz is forever frozen in Ava’s memory, but Ava keeps changing with each day that passes.
Would her mom even recognize her?
Ava doesn’t even recognize herself.
Would her mom still love her? Would she still love the monster she’s turned into? Would Ava still be her little girl?
She reaches out and tentatively traces her mom’s name.
“Can I stay here for a moment?”
A tear runs down her face.
“Can I breathe for a second?”
Her chest feels like it’s going to cave into itself. When did everything get so heavy?
Ava can hear the battle ringing behind her. She needs to go back, and she knows it. She can’t stop.
God damn it, she can’t stop.
She looks down at her hands covered in scars and blood. They’re trembling.
Ava is only twenty, yet her hands shake with an age beyond her years.
Why her?
Why is she the one that has to fix this?
Why is she the one that has to watch as the world suffers?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why can’t she just live ?
She’s tired. She’s so tired.
Ava puts her forehead to the ground and wonders if her mom can feel her. She wonders if her mom would hurt for her.
“Mom, when this is over, can I lie beside you?”
The war keeps going and Ava cries.