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Josie Carrillo has led one very specific adult life. She has dedicated 12 years of her life to the United States Army, vowing to protect the constitution against all enemies both foreign and domestic. After giving it a lot of thought, she realized that she doesn’t exactly know what the word domestic means.
There’s a knock on the door, reminding her to take one last look in the mirror. She remembers the last time she dressed like this for her last first date 2 years ago. Josie sucks in a deep breath and smoothed her hands down the front of her dress - a green shimmering thing she bought so long ago that she can’t even remember.
“Wow,” Bobby says the moment that Josie opens the bathroom door, hand dramatically covering her heart, “Just absolutely beautiful.”
“Thanks,” she says, fighting a heat in her cheeks, “You don’t look so bad yourself.”
Josie reaches out with both hands and brushes her fingers over the woman’s shoulders, flattening out any wrinkles she sees. Bobby ducks her head and tucks her hands away into her pockets. She realizes then that in the 2 years they’ve been friends, she’s never seen Bobby like this.
“Sort of feels like our friendship is deepening,” Josie adds, “Seeing each other like this.”
“You’re such a dork,” Bobby says with a laugh, though she’s blushing, “Let’s go.”
Josie follows Bobby out of the woman’s apartment and climbs into the passenger seat of Bobby’s truck. During the drive, they talk idly about nothing too important. She can’t help thinking that she doesn’t know why she agreed to be Bobby’s date to an engagement party, especially as her first foray into society in the last 2 years.
Throughout all of this time, her and Bobby have remained in contact. Between their busy schedules, Bobby’s QRF and her time in the 150th SOAR, they’ve managed to write letters, send texts, and make phone calls. Bobby was the first person she’d exchanged letters with in all of her years in the Army.
“Who all is going to be there again?” Josie asks.
“I dunno,” Bobby answers with a shrug, “Her friends and family. Her fiancée’s friends and family.”
“No one else from the team?” Josie says.
Bobby gives her a look like the woman understands what she’s really asking. It’s a subject they don’t really talk about, even though she doesn’t quite know why. She can handle it. Josie can handle the topic of Cruz Manuelos even if they haven’t spoken once in these last 2 years.
“Nah,” Bobby says, “The boys are too straight and the boss is busy.”
“Right,” Josie mumbles under her breath.
It took her almost 6 months after her leg healed and she returned to duty before she learned Bobby liveds in Washington D.C. Josie had never really been. She hadn’t had time and, when she did, seeing the capital hadn’t been even touched the top of her list.
When they arrive to their destination, she gets out and follows Bobby into the building. It’s an apartment building with far too many floor for her to be taking the stairs. By the time they get into the apartment, her ankle is throbbing. On top of that, there’s so many people in the room that she’s immediately overwhelmed.
“I’m gonna go say hi to Lindsay,” Bobby says, “Will you be ok?”
“I’ll be fine,” Josie insists, patting Bobby on the arm.
But, when Bobby disappears from view, Josie does not actually feel ok. Her emotional support best friend is no longer here to hold her hand. Figuratively, not literally. Although, perhaps literally would be necessary right now.
Josie runs a hand through her hair and tries to focus on the positive. There are pictures on the fridge to her right so she steps in front of it and takes a long look. It grounds her for a moment to see all of those faces of the people she knows. It’s familiar and warm. There’s Bobby, Lindsay, Randy, Tex, and Tucker all in the photo. For a moment, she wonders what Two Cups is doing out there after he too was medically discharged. She could call him and start a medically discharged veterans club. Although, she doesn’t know enough about Two Cups to know if he even actually served in the military (obviously he did), or what branch her might have served in.
Then, not for the first time, she thinks of Cruz. Josie absently wonders why she isn’t in the picture or if Cruz had been the one taking it. Cruz had always been secretly sentimental, and very good at hiding it.
Josie isn’t surprised that she feels disappointed that she can’t see Cruz in the picture too. She doesn’t know why. They haven’t seen each other or talked in 2 years. Not since Cruz had to leave for training as the head of the Lioness Program. Even then, she doesn’t really know how Cruz is. Her and Bobby do not talk about Cruz, and she can only determine that it’s because Cruz doesn’t really talk to Bobby about anything that isn’t related to work.
Her throat feels dry all of a sudden. Josie turns on her heel to the island in the kitchen to find the drink options. Her instincts tell her to grab a water bottle, but there seems to be just beer. There are a lot of bottles and cups all over the counter, but not the hint of a water in sight.
“Looking for a water?”
Josie freezes just at the sound of that familiar voice. It sends a spark to her heart, but it also scares her. It feels like she just got punched in the gut and she can’t fucking breathe.
“Here,” Cruz says.
When Josie turns, there’s a bottle of water extended her direction. That’s how much space is between them. The length of Cruz’s arm plus half a bottle of water. She hadn’t expected to be this close…
“Bobby said you wouldn’t be here,” Josie mutters, taking the proffered bottle of water.
“Bobby,” Cruz repeats.
“No,” Josie says, “Yes, Bobby. My friend. She said this wasn’t your thing.”
“It’s not,” Cruz says, “Too loud.”
“So fucking loud,” she agrees.
“I think I made a mistake coming here,” Cruz replies.
“Why?” Josie asks, suddenly feeling defensive, “Becuase of me?”
“No, not because of you,” Cruz answers, “It’s so good to see you.”
Josie relents and says, “You, too.”
Then she finally looks at the woman. They only spent 6 months together while her leg was healing, before Cruz was shipped off to protocols training and all kind of other things. Cruz was so busy that they lost touch. Looking at Cruz now, she sees a heaviness on the woman’s shoulders and the misery in her eyes.
That hurts more than the sound of her voice.
“So,” Cruz starts awkwardly, “How are you?”
“Oh, uh,” Josie feels it then, the weight of her life as she knows it falling apart. She’s told Bobby just enough that she got this invite, but she hasn’t really told anyone anything that holds merit. Not even her sister. “Yeah…”
“Yeah?” Cruz recoils, eyebrows furrowing deeply, “That’s not an answer.”
“There’s just,” Josie pauses with a guttural sigh, dragging a hand through her hair from the roots, “So much.”
“Wanna talk about it?” Cruz asks.
“I’m out,” Josie says. She uncaps the water bottle a little too aggressively. Before taking a drink, she sighs and, once she’s swallows the liquid, she extends her left leg, “The leg betrayed me.”
“Josie,” Cruz says her name all deep in a way that it reverberates in Josie’s chest, “You can’t be serious.”
“I am,” she says.
The music immediately gets louder. Which makes the talking get louder, too. Josie winces. She knows that Cruz notices because Cruz notices everything. The woman tilts her head to the side just a bit, gaze softening.
“Shit,” Cruz mumbles.
“Hey,” Josie says after a few moments of the noise getting to her, “Want to go outside with me? Get some reprieve from all this?”
“Sure,” Cruz says.
They make their way outside. The leg that got her discharged from the Army doesn’t feel so stiff, which means she isn’t limping as they descend the stairs they just climbed. Once they get downstairs, Cruz gestures to the steps and they both sit down. They’re tucked off to the side so people can still climb the stairs to enter the building.
The silence between them is thick so Josie just goes for it asking, “So how’s the job treating you?”
“That isn’t a sore subject or anything?” Cruz says tentatively.
“I always supported your position,” Josie says softly, “I don’t resent you.”
“Ok,” Cruz says.
But, instead of immediately answering her question, Cruz releases a heavy sigh. The woman’s eye contact falters, dropping to the ground. So Josie looks away to give Cruz a few moments.
“It’s just hard,” Cruz finally says.
There’s no edge to her voice. There’s just an exhaustion that demands Josie’s attention. Of course, when she looks at Cruz closely, she can see that heaviness on the woman’s face. It’s because she knows Cruz more intimately than maybe anyone else. They existed in stillness together when no one else had existed in those moments with them.
“And I miss you,” Cruz says, like it hasn’t been 2 years since they’ve seen each other, “I dedicate my life, my everything, to doing the work, and it isn’t even rewarding. It just comes with guilt.”
“But you’re good at it,” Josie replies, “Bobby says you are. She said you haven’t lost anyone.”
“I haven’t,” Cruz says, “But I watch them change before my eyes and I have to pretend that it isn’t my problem. It just wrecks me. It reminds me of you. It all reminds me of you, and how you didn’t get a choice. You were my first…”
“I was not your first,” Josie retorts with a smirk, “You’re far too good for me to be your first.”
Cruz blushes at that, and reminds Josie of all of the times that she made Cruz blush in their 6 months together. She looks away, afraid to get caught staring too long. They’re in different places in their lives. Josie’s retired now, about to move into a house that needs fixing up a little bit outside of Bkue Ridge. Cruz is running Lioness operations.
“So, what about you,” Cruz starts, nudging her thigh, “If you’re out of the Army, what are you gonna do?”
“My sister lives in the Atlanta suburbs,” Josie explains, “She has a daughter, Camila, and I decided to lean in to being Tia Josie. Bought a house about an hour away. Needs fixing up, lots to do around the property, so it’ll keep me busy.”
“Oh, wow,” Cruz says, “Did you look at it?”
“My sister’s husband,” Josie says, “He’s a contractor. He knew what he was looking at. He said it’ll take some fixing up, but it has good bones.”
“I didn’t know you were handy,” Cruz says.
“That’s because I spent our six months together recovering,” Josie replies, “But I know my way around a tool well enough to do some repairs. I want to paint the house, which can be fun, and just make it a home.”
“That sounds nice,” Cruz hums. The wind picks up, and Josie remembers that it’s still cold out. She shivers, and she thinks it goes unnoticed, but Cruz immediately shrugs off her blazer. “Here.”
Cruz drapes it over her shoulders. It blocks the wind, and keeps her from shivering. The smell of Cruz wafts through the air, sticking to her skin and filling her longs.
Josie clears her throat and pulls the blazer tighter around her neck. She decides to just give into it now, appreciate this moment she has with a woman that she once loved. Josie was never made at Cruz. She always understood what was going to happen, even if she wishes they had made the effort to talk more often before they faded into the background.
“How about you?” Josie asks, still fiddling with the blazer until she puts her arms through the sleeves, “You have any projects in mind?”
“I don’t really have time,” Cruz admits. The woman scuffs her boot on the concrete like she’s trying to wipe something off of the bottom of it. Then, Cruz wipes her palms off against her thighs. “I’m just so involved with work. It’s such a high stakes job. I don’t think the team knows half of it.”
“I doubt they do,” Josie agrees.
Josie drops her hands into the pockets of Cruz’s jacket. Her hand hits a folded over piece of paper. It feels crisp beneath her fingers. She pulls it out. She stares at it for a moment like she’s waiting for Cruz to stop her. Cruz doesn’t though. Not even as she unfolds the piece of paper and starts reading the words.
Kaitlyn Meade,
I took this job because I wanted to help people. Even though I know that this program is necessary, I don’t think that I am the right fit for it. It’s beginning to kill my soul, knowing the harm I bring to families. It is not the groups that I feel terrible for. It is my Lionesses, watching them change into someone cold as they become more and more capable in killing someone with their bare hands, that eats me up inside.
It is for that reason that I am presenting you with my resignation letter. It is time that I get back to me, as I have lost her in the chaos of this life. I thank you for the opportunity to make a difference in this organization. It has been my honor.
- Cruz Manuelos
“Cruz,” Josie whispers, the woman’s name a ghost on her lips, “What is this?”
“I’ve been at war with myself,” Cruz admits, “I’m not the same person you met two and a half years ago. I’m colder, more heartless, incapable of connection. I don’t…”
“You are the same person,” Josie says, quickly folding the paper back up, “Deep down, you’re that same amazing, beautiful, understanding soul that you were.”
“Don’t say that,” Cruz says, harder than she’s ever heard before.
“There’s a life beyond what you’re doing now,” Josie keeps going, ignoring the tone that cuts her deep down, “You’re so smart, Cruz. You could turn your life around right now, all you have to do is embrace it. Commit to rediscovering yourself. Turn this letter in.”
“Why?” Cruz asks, tone sharp still, “Because you’re doing it? Because you’ve decided to accept your fate? I don’t even know who I am outside of this.”
“Then figure it out,” Josie replies, “Your life is far from over. Be someone that you can live with.”
Cruz’s jaw tightens. There’s a hardened look in those eyes that refuse to look at her. Cruz reaches over and snatches the paper out of her hands. Josie sees it, sees the way Cruz is about to run.
“I gotta go,” Cruz says, pushing to her feet.
“Of course you do,” Josie grumbles. Still, she pushes the jacket off of her shoulders and holds it out for Cruz to take. Their fingers brush and, for a moment, they both hesitate. “That’s just what you do when things get real, isn’t it? You walk away.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Cruz huffs.
The woman turns on her heel and practically stomps down the street to her car. Josie watches as Cruz fades into the shadows, but she never stops seeing Cruz. Josie’s heart pounds in her chest and, though Cruz was more upset than she’s ever seen before, Josie knows that this isn’t over.