Chapter Text
Soap’s laugh is what woke him up. That and the others that followed. Kyle grumbled from his spot on the worn-out couch, and it’s honestly a surprise they haven't gotten rid of it yet. He was stretched out, one arm under his head and the other resting on his stomach while his legs took the rest of the old couch. He sighed and closed his eyes again, refusing to let himself stay awake and listen to what felt like his heart being torn to pieces. Again.
He was thankfully pretty much asleep until a gentle touch dragged him back to reality. At first he rolled onto his stomach with the limited space he had, refusing to be disrupted from the beautiful promise of sleep. The touch became less gentle, grabbing the back of his neck and forcing a muffle and sleepy whine from Kyle’s throat. “C’mon son, you should go back to your room.” Price sounded like he was close, and when Kyle slowly opened his eyes, there he was. Crouched down next to him and softly ushering him to sit up. Kyle groaned, turning his head into the pillow and grumbling out, “You never go to your room..” It came out muffled and probably slightly unintelligible. Soap snickered somewhere above him, “Yeah well, he still sleeps in a bed, not a couch.” Ghost hummed somewhere above him also, probably standing next to Soap.
Kyle felt his chest tighten at that and he huffed before sitting up and tossing the blanket he was using to the other side of the couch. Price tried to grab him again but he quickly muttered a goodnight and made a quick retreat to the hall and direction of the barracks. Kyle could hear Price say something to Soap, but he was a little too far to be able to tell what it was. He’s not sure he wants to know anyway. Ever since the three of them have made their relationship official, Kyle has been tossed aside. Every “team” get-together, Kyle was always the last to know, if he was even told at all. Every gathering Kyle was at the side standing alone just because the team wanted a group picture of them.
He gets it. He’s not part of their relationship, but why does that mean he isn’t wanted now? He still remembers when he and Ghost almost had something happen. Almost . He didn’t know it was just a one night stand. A drunk proposition by Kyle and Ghost took him up on it. Got fucked so good he cried through 2 more rounds. Ghost had allowed him to stay, but the next morning there was nothing but a cold bed and a sticky note that said “Clean yourself up, Don’t leave a mess.” on top of his neatly folded pile of clothes. Kyle didn’t speak to him for a week outside of things work related. Then Soap got assigned to work with them, and he broke down Ghosts walls quicker than Kyle was ever able to. It made him want to throw up. Scream at them both, yell, cry, leave, anything to get rid of the ache in his chest and knot in his throat. It just wasn’t fair how close Soap had got to Ghost and Price while Kyle only got leftovers. He could tell how the captain fell for Soap too, then he started talking to Kyle about it and all he could do was sit and nod through Price’s ramblings about the other two men on the team like they were angels sent from heaven. In a way they were, but Kyle never got to have the luxury of adoring them the way they adore each other. Price started calling Soap “sunshine” quickly and Kyle will never admit how much he smoked that night just to try and distract himself from the dull pain of not even being given any nickname with his time with Price meanwhile Soap got his within just a few weeks.
Kyle loved being around his team, of course, but watching them fall in love with each other and leaving him behind hurt like hell. He could deal with physical pain, a visible bruise or cut, something he can treat and heal. But this? He didn’t know how to treat this type of pain. He didn’t know what tools to use and how to get rid of the burning in his heart or the knot in his stomach.
He unlocked his door and walked in on unsteady feet, closing it gently behind him. He hated feeling like this. He didn’t want to go to bed feeling like shit, so he mentally went through his unfortunately very limited options. Work, read, edibles, smoke, nightly walk, sleep, or that party he got invited to. Kyle scrunched his eyebrows for a second. That’s right. One of his old drinking buddies still had his number and sent him an invite, telling him that If he was available he could pop in for a bit.
He grabbed his phone from his pocket and went through his messages. It was near the top, the guy going by “Davis” had sent him an invite a few hours ago. It was only 21:00, and the party had started at 19:00, or 7pm on the invite. It was a party to get drunk and high at, it was definitely going on for at least another few hours. Kyle knew he should go to bed, forget about old habits, forget about the team at the moment, get some needed rest… but before he could talk himself out of it he put on a jacket and grabbed his keys before leaving his room and quickly walking down the hall. He was in his car and on the road within minutes, sending a quick text to Davis that read “omw” .
When he got there the street had so many cars parked it was definitely a challenge on its own finding a spot and he eventually settled somewhere a few doors down. He didn’t even know if Davis was still here, but at least he could just relax now. Away from his team. Away from the ache he never wanted in the first place. Stepping through the door he was immediately greeted with sweaty bodies, a couple making out on the staircase to the left of him and a bunch of young adults, honestly probably not too much younger than him, greeting him and telling him where the drinks and snacks were. The house was a little hard to navigate if he’s being honest, someone blew smoke right in his face but instead of that regular rich cigarette smell it was sweet and light. A vape then, he assumes. When he finally got to the little table of goodies it had been a solid 5 minutes of searching. He was ready to just lose himself in the feeling of being out of his mind like how it was in high school. He can go back to being “Gaz” tomorrow, but right now… He was just gonna be “Kyle”. So he took one of the gummies and popped it in his mouth, hoping to god it would kick in sooner rather than later.
Kyle loved this feeling. He couldn’t even see straight, but that's okay. This reminds him of his time in college as much as it does remind him of high school, going to parties every weekend and either getting drunk or high out of his mind. Kyle was stumbling through a crowd of just as gone people, someone grabbing him left and right. He didn’t mind, not really. it actually felt good to be touched, even if it was by a bunch of equally high idiots stumbling into him. God, he was so lost. Someone grabbed ahold of his arm to ground themselves and he glanced over at them. They looked a little younger than him, but not by much. Maybe, anyway. He still can’t see straight. They had somewhere between dirty blonde hair and red hair, and he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it looked. The other man looked up at Kyle, his eyes a lighter brown than his own, and smiled.
“Hi,” The man said, gaining his balance and tilting his head at Kyle. His hand rested on Kyle’s shoulder, using it to keep his balance. Kyle huffed a laugh and whispered a “Hi” back, tilting his head the same way the stranger was. The stranger giggled and leaned in close to his ear and practically yelled, “I’m Gary, what’s your name?”
Even with him so close, Kyle has to strain to listen to him over the music and other yells. “Kyle, I’m Kyle Garrick.” He replied, leaning in close to Gary’s ear to be heard. “Oh, my last name is Sanderson. Gary Sanderson.” The other man laughed again and leaned his head on Kyle's shoulder. “You smell nice.” He said, and Kyle chuckled before leaning his own head down and Gary’s shoulder as well.
“So do you.” He whispered, and he could feel the other man smile against his skin. A pair of hands snaking its way up and resting on his waist. Kyle let it, putting his own hands on Garys waist in return.
This was nice. The smell of a stranger, the soft touches, the moment itself. Sure they were still actively being pushed and pulled by dozens of other bodies, it was nice to finally touch someone like this and for them to actually want him, even for a moment.
“Kyle!”
Huh? His head struck up and he looked around, but everyone's face was blurry. “Kyle?” Gary mumbled and lifted his head up after Kyle, glancing around too. Kyle made a confused hum, blinking rapidly to try and clear his vision and looked back at Gary. The man in question was about to say something, opening his mouth in preparation, before his eyes flicked behind Kyle and his eyes widened. Gary gasped and stumbled back, disappearing into the crowd. He didn’t need to turn around to know that the gloved hand was Ghost grabbing him. Both the cheap cologne smell and the ridiculous strength used to drag him was more than enough. “Oh, shit-” Kyle’s foot got trapped behind his other ankle, causing him to lose balance quicker than he would’ve liked. Of course, Ghost caught him and lifted him up with ease that made Kyle’s stomach twist delightfully and painfully at the same time. He giggled at the feeling, closing his eyes and letting his head drop. Ghost wasn’t supposed to be here, but that’s okay. His hands feel good on him anyway.
“Jesus, Kyle.” Ghost grumbled, a warm hand being placed on his waist as he was led somewhere. He hummed in response, letting himself be pulled along. Kyle felt himself being pushed and shoved left and right, and god Kyle wished Ghost could at least try to avert him away from others.
When the cold midnight air hit his face, Kyle felt a wave of dread washed through him. He shuffled to the side, only being stopped by the hand squeezing his waist. “No, Ghost, wait,” He complained, turning his head back to the front door they had just walked out of. “It’s not over yet,” Kyle pushed against Ghost, reaching for the door only to be yanked back and shoved right next to a car. “It is for you,” and with that he felt Ghost pat him down before yanking his keys out of his pocket. Kyle heard them being tossed and Ghost mumbled “find his car.” Kyle let out an annoyed whine which only got him shoved through the car door and into the passenger seat.
He tried looking out the window once the car started moving, refusing to look over at Ghost. Big mistake. His head pounds harder at the blurry scenery, and instead he lets his head drop until his chin hits his chest. “Ugh, you at least could have waited another hour or so.” Kyle complained, raising his hands and pressing his palms into his eyes. “Why’s that?” Ghost asked, and Kyle can hear the annoyance dripping from his voice. He doesn’t need to see to know how tightly Ghost is gripping the wheel.
“Could’ve sobered up a bit.” He mumbled, Keeping his eyes closed as his hands drop into his lap. He doubts he would’ve let himself sober up if he wanted to be honest. With the way Ghost didn’t respond, he figures the man was thinking the same thing.
A slow drive kept Kyle in his head, wishing that he was back at the party. The man he went there to meet up with disappeared about an hour after they found each other, but he had the other people from the party with him. Sure he didn’t know them, but no one really knew anyone. Just a bunch of random people who want to get away from whatever messed up little worlds they live in for a few hours. He just so happened to be one of them. Kyle wouldn’t say he hated his life in the military, but a little time away from the worries of war, constant paranoia, and the hurt of his own teammates not wanting him was what he craved . While the others would prefer to go drinking at the bar, Kyle would rather get lost in the wave of euphoria with a bunch of mystery people riding it with him.
When Kyle felt the car stop he finally opened his eyes and looked around. They weren’t at the base, just pulled over into a relatively empty parking lot. He looked over to Ghost, who was already studying his… everything apparently.
“What?”
“You didn’t tell us where you were, Gaz,” Ghost crossed his arms, tilting his chin up a bit. Kyle furrowed his brows together, “I didn’t think I needed to, I-” Kyle tried, trying to sober himself up for the conversation, “Why would you ever think that?” Ghost cut him off. Kyle didn’t respond, just stared at him for a few moments before shaking his head, opening his mouth but no words coming out. God, he can’t think. “Why didn’t you talk to, or even tell , me or Price.” The man wasn’t really glaring , but a look was definitely there. Kyle felt like he lost his voice, unable to think of anything to defend himself. “You had all gone to… bed. To bed,” He whispered weakly, voice low. That didn’t please the man, now, glaring at him. “Unacceptable, sargent,” Ghost uncrossed his arms and put the car back into drive. Kyle just stared at him, trying so hard to understand what he had done wrong. He knows that maybe he should have told someone… but he didn’t think they would notice anyway.
He huffed and closed his eyes again, turning his head away from Ghost and to the window at the same time. He just wanted to have a little bit of fun. But now he feels grossed out with himself for being irresponsible. Maybe he shouldn't have gone in the first place. That would’ve helped avoid the disappointment. But god, he needed those few hours just to let go. Let himself get lost in the feeling. He still felt warm, despite the AC hitting his skin. Ghost didn’t say anymore during the drive, and Kyle only sunk into the seat even further. He wanted to go back, wanted to lie down, wanted to be anywhere but in the car with one of the only men he truly respects. Now that he thinks about it, he might’ve just made that very man respect him less now, if not at all. Fuck.
The car stopping flung him forwards with more force than he appreciated, Ghost definitely being pushing the brakes hard on purpose. He still hadn’t said a word to Kyle, just turning the car off and getting out, stopping in front of the base entrance doors. Kyle stared at him, unsure of what was going through Ghost's head but so desperately wanting to know. Hell, he didn’t even know what was going through his own head.
As he fumbled with his own seatbelt, he grumbled to himself for what must be the hundredth time about how unfair how Soap was able to read Ghost only after a few months of knowing him while Kyle has known him for longer and still isn’t able to understand him without help, and how Soap was even given a nickname from Price while Kyle once again got nothing from Price, who he’s known longer than Ghost and Soap, yet Ghost was allowed into Price’s office whenever but Kyle would get scolded if he ever – Holy shit Kyle might just bite the seatbelt off at this point. His hands weren’t working how he wanted them too, and now his vision was blurring up. Every time he tried to unbuckle the seatbelt, his hands would slip, only making him more frustrated with the stupid mechanic.
Kyle blinked rapidly, trying to focus on the annoying task at hand when he heard the car door open, a pair of hands reaching over to undo the buckle for him instead. It took him a solid few seconds to realize Ghost was the one who opened it and was the one to help. Kyle muttered a thanks as Ghost retreated his hands, only for them to be on either side of his face a moment later. Those hands titled his head back a bit, causing him to look up at Ghost. Kyle's eyes fluttered closed, letting Ghost's thumbs to wipe across his eyelids. Unusually gentle. Kyle hadn’t realized how much he was leaning into Ghost's touch until he pulled away, Kyle snapping his eyes open as he felt the warm gloves slip away and his whole body fell forward in an attempt to follow. Ghost didn’t catch him, but he didn’t need to. Kyle frowned as he watched Ghost walk back to the front entrance, looking over his shoulder at Kyle. He realized the man wanted him to follow, which in hindsight should’ve been obvious. He will forever deny how much effort it took not to topple over with every step he took to the doors and will not ever acknowledge how Ghost had to practically carry him to his barrack so he wouldn’t crack his head open on the floor. Soap met them at Kyles door, presumably waiting for Ghost so they can probably go –
“Gaz! What the hell mate!” Oh, now he’s mad too. “Where did ya go? Are ya daft o’ something?” Kyle furrowed his brows at Soap, taking a moment to process what he said, Soap’s accent noticeably thicker but not as much as he thought. Soap must not be very mad if he’s still able to understand him, as high as he is. That already threw Kyle off. Why was Soap mad, and at the same time why wasn't he madder? Actually, why were either of them awake at this hour anyway? Soap didn’t even wait for Kyle to attempt to respond, grabbing both sides of his face and turning his head left and right. “He’s fine, Johnny. I checked. He just got high, no fights. Or anything else.” Ghost sighed. “High? With who? Where? Why didn’t ya tell any of us? Ye just left. Aye didn’t know where ya went to Kyle. For all aye knew ye got kidnapped!” Soap practically yelled, Kyle scrunching his eyes closed and giving a weak attempt to pull away from the worried half-drunk man. “I, uh, I told…” Wait, who did he tell again? Oh yeah, “No one, but it was late, everyone went to sleep.” He opened his eyes as he spoke, the scott finally letting go of his face. Soap screwed his face up, “Nae, it’s no’ ta’ late.”
“Yes.” “Nae.” “Yes.” “Nae.” “Yes.” “Nae.” “Ye-”
“Cut it out. It is late, you both need to go to sleep.” Ghost shoved Soap out of the way, ignoring his protesting. Kyle’s door was apparently unlocked, Ghost opening it without a key, and he got shoved inside. He stumbled before his knees gave out, and he let himself collapse. Okay, that didn’t help him at all. Everything was spinning now, his head pounding suddenly, and his stomach turned from the rapid movement of just falling . He heard the voices of his teammates behind him, but he focused more on not throwing up than trying to decipher what they’re saying. He didn’t like this. His whole team was pissed at him, and all he wanted was to relax the way he was used too. He didn’t like getting drunk, preferred to eat a quick gummy and just wait for the inevitable to hit him. He actually liked getting high, anyway. It made everything so much less… serious, to him at least. But right now it’s only making things worse, like it had back then as a teenager.
A warm hand at his lower back grounded him back to the present. “Don’t fall asleep on the floor, mate.” Soap’s voice was softer now. He felt Soap struggle slightly as he lifted both himself and Kyle from the floor, stumbling their way to the bed before Kyle shakily sat down on the edge. He kept his head down, eyes sliding closed again as he tried to breathe evenly. When had he started hyperventilating in the first place? “Ouch, why are ye crying? Ghost, why is he crying?” He’s crying? Oh that’s worse. He choked on a sudden sob, shaking his head. Why was he even reacting this way? God he felt horrible. They shouldn’t have to deal with him, yet here they are. Kyle is overreacting, breathing too heavily and causing himself all this stress for nothing. He just wants to be left alone, he wants to go back to that party, he wants–
Those same warm hands were back on either side of his face, tilting his head back and gently encouraging him to look up. Ghost. “Get him down, Johnny,” the man in front of him sounded so gentle, and the other pair of hands that wrapped around his waist to hoist him up were caring too. He still felt unbalanced, wobbling slightly as they helped him lay down on the bed. He felt himself fall face first, heard the two other men speaking to each other, and felt one of them maneuver him to eventually get him under the covers. He whined, turning his head into his pillow, mumbling something. He doesn’t know what he even said, but Kyle is more than aware of the steady hand resting itself on the side of his neck.
“We’ll talk about this in the morning, Kyle.” Ghost mumbled and Kyle nodded. The hand left and a few moments later the door shut, leaving him alone in the room. He could still feel the phantom touch of Ghost's hand on his neck, and it made him feel both sickened and delighted.
He wants to be part of their group so badly, but they never asked him or invited him. It hurt. Really hurt. Kyle swallowed hard and closed his eyes, ignoring how blurry his vision is again.
He’ll figure it out soon.