Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Luigi would be the first person to admit he wasn’t the most coordinated guy in the world. He tripped over his feet even in work boots, and he had a tendency to misjudge distances and land on his face. All the same, he was pretty sure anyone would have stumbled when surprised by a giant koopa bursting out of the trees and roaring flame into the sky barely three feet in front of their nose.

Maybe not everyone would have windmilled their arms and fallen on their backside, but Luigi chose to blame that on his impractical footwear.

Mario immediately crouched into a threatening stance at Luigi's side, glaring up at Bowser and gritting his teeth. That whole embarrassing display of klutziness had taken a good couple seconds, but Bowser didn't seem to have noticed the other two at all until he glanced down.

An unfamiliar expression crossed his face. Luigi braced himself for a fight, or at least more roaring, but nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

“Sorry!” Bowser exclaimed. “Sorry, didn't see you, miss.”

Luigi blinked. He glanced down at himself, at the green satin gown he was currently wearing, modesty protected by layers of white petticoats, heeled shoes just barely peeking out of the cloud of lace, delicate white gloves on hands that were clenched into fists. He couldn't see his own face of course, but he already knew from the glimpse he'd caught earlier that his hair was longer, his eyes were made up, and - infuriatingly - his mustache was completely gone. Not a hint of stubble, as if it had never existed.

Given… everything, it was no wonder Bowser didn't recognize him. But the complete 180 on his behavior was still a shock. Luigi flinched as Bowser walked toward him, and that unfamiliar look flashed across his eyes again.

“Are you okay?” Bowser asked. “Not hurt?”

“I'm okay,” Luigi said. He winced again as he realized he probably should have tried to disguise his voice, but Bowser showed no sign of recognition. Which was a little disappointing, actually. All the times Luigi had fought alongside his brother, and Bowser didn't even know what he sounded like?

Bowser held out his hand and Luigi took it, allowing himself to be helped to his feet. Honestly he needed the help, the fluffy skirts were getting in the way more than he'd expected, despite the fact they only fell to his ankles. How did Peach and Daisy dress like this every day?

“Hey,” Bowser said, “you didn't see a flying lady go this way, did you? Dressed in purple? Squeaky voice?”

Luigi gripped Bowser's fingers tighter in surprise. “She got you too?”

Bowser's claws curled around Luigi's hand, reaching halfway up his forearm. That was hairless now too, and though he hadn't had the opportunity to look under the skirt yet today, he wouldn't be surprised if everything was just as bare. It felt weird, unnatural, like he was a plastic doll being played with.

“She got me,” Bowser confirmed, growling the words. “She got my entire castle, and my-” He stopped. “Why, what did she do to you?”

Luigi took a breath and started debating on how quickly he could pull his hand free without giving offense.

“Well-”

It had been a normal day. Luigi and Mario were visiting Peach at her castle, they'd had tea and sandwiches, and were in the middle of a debate on whether it would rain today or tomorrow and whether it was worth it to change for tennis.

And then a voice cut in, one none of them were familiar with.

“No no no, ugh, this isn't right!”

A woman was floating in mid-air across the room, dressed in a purple flowing gown with a short cape over the shoulders, and a matching purple staff held in her hands. She gave a theatrical sigh as two of the three humans at the table jumped to their feet.

“This isn't how it's supposed to be!” the woman said. “A princess should be elegant! Not socializing with the working class. Playing sports with boys.”

The woman raised her staff, and Mario threw himself at her, taking a running leap off the wall. The staff slashed through the air just before he made impact, and both of them crashed to the ground.

“Ugh!” the woman exclaimed, raising her staff to block Mario's fists. “You animal!”

Light flashed, white and gold, leaving sparkles behind Luigi's eyes. When he could see clearly the woman now stood over a red-clad shape crumpled at her feet.

“No! Mario!” Luigi exclaimed. He ran forward, but the woman floated up into the air, and even his panic-fueled leap couldn't reach her.

“It's okay,” the woman said. “I can fix this. You'll all see how much better things are with me in charge.”

“You're crazy,” Luigi snapped. He knelt down to check on his brother, and froze when he realized what he was looking at.

“You’re rude,” the woman huffed. “I'll make you fit in too.”

She waved her staff and Luigi dove to the side, rolling across the floor. He didn't feel an impact, so he assumed he'd managed to dodge until he tried to stand up and stepped on his skirts.

Luigi fumbled and fell on his stomach, finally grabbing fistfuls of fabric and forcing himself to his feet. The woman in purple had drifted over to the far end of the room, where Peach was throwing the entire tea set at her piece by piece.

Just walking was a struggle, and Luigi had figured out it was the shoes’ fault before he made it two steps. Taking the time to take them off would still be faster than trying to run in heels, so he hopped on one foot until he got a shoe in hand, and followed Peach's lead by chucking it at the woman's head.

It didn't work. The shoe disappeared in mid-air, and Luigi felt a sudden snugness on his formerly-bare food that meant it had reappeared where it came from.

“No!” Peach exclaimed as the woman raised her staff again, and Luigi tried to throw himself in front of her, but he was too late.

He saw Peach collapse to the floor, a patch of pink roses springing up to cushion her fall.

Luigi limped his way across the room, dropping to his knees at Peach’s side. Her eyes were closed, her face peaceful, but when Luigi reached out to check for a pulse, rose stems wrapped around Peach’s throat, yellow thorns pointed outward and seeming to grow longer the closer his hands got.

“What is this?” Luigi demanded of the woman, who was floating there surveying her work with what looked like pride. “Why are you doing this? What do you want?”

“It's better this way,” the woman said, as if it was obvious. “I didn't expect you to be a princess too - I thought I was turning you into a mouse coachman. But it's still better, you fit much nicer now.”

Luigi looked down at the dress, really processing what had happened for the first time. A ballgown, a mouse, un-loseable shoes…

“Is this- Cinderella? You made me Cinderella?”

“Isn't it great?” The woman clapped her hands cheerfully. “My versions will be better than the originals too. Like a remake!”

“I don't want to be a remake,” Luigi said. “And I don't think Peach wants to be Sleeping Beauty either. I know my brother doesn't want to be the Big Bad Wolf.”

The woman huffed again. “You'll see! You'll get it once you experience it. I'll- AGH!”

Mario had woken up. It apparently took him a lot less time to adjust to being quadrupedal than it had Luigi to walking in heels, because he'd already taken a running leap and bit the end of the woman’s fluttering gown.

“Get off!” she exclaimed, swerving through the air. “Bad dog!”

Mario was growling furiously. If Luigi heard that noise coming from someone's yard he would take the long way around.

The woman finally managed to shake Mario off, though not without losing a significant chunk of shimmery purple fabric. It dissolved in Mario's mouth, though the tattered edge of the dress remained tattered.

“Look what you've done!” the woman cried. “You- you jerks! Fine! See if I help you!”

“Wait, no!” Luigi cried out.

But it was too late, and the woman disappeared in a cloud of gold glitter. It was physical glitter, too. It fell to the floor in clumps.

Luigi took a couple tries to get back on his feet again, not helped by the thorns that kept creeping further and further across the floor. If this followed the fairy tale, it wouldn't be long before the entire castle was consumed by briars.

Mario, now a full-grown wolf that was, for some reason, wearing a red dog hoodie, moved to Luigi's side. He looked down at Peach's sleeping form and whined.

“It's okay,” Luigi said. “It's just a fairy tale, right? We should be able to break it.”

Mario bent - carefully - over the briars and pressed his muzzle against Peach's mouth. Nothing happened. They waited for several seconds, Mario tried it again, and when that didn’t work he licked her like a dog. That had no effect either.

“Maybe it doesn't count?” Luigi suggested, “Because wolves don't have lips like humans?”

Mario jabbed his nose in Luigi's back, urging him forward, and though Luigi felt weird about it he didn't think Peach would actually be upset under the circumstances. Still, he'd make sure to explain and apologize as soon as she woke up.

Luigi kissed Peach, as quickly as he could, and once again they both waited.

“Maybe platonic love doesn't count either?” Luigi mumbled. It didn't stop him feeling bad. Did he not love Peach? They were close, he'd thought, they'd been friends for years, but if the kiss didn't work, then…

“She did say it was a remake,” Luigi said. “Maybe True Love's Kiss got written out.”

Mario stuck his head under Luigi's hand.

“I- I know fratello. It's okay, we'll-”

Mario made a whuff sound and bumped against Luigi's hand again, finally getting his meaning across.

“Oh. Gratzi.” Luigi put his hand on Mario's sturdy wolf shoulder and leaned against him for support as he stood up. It was a lot easier to walk this way.

They left the castle, passing by a dozen or so Toads asleep on the ground or leaning against walls. It was sheer luck that they'd both been assigned different fairy tales before Sleeping Beauty took over the area.

“We'll find her,” Luigi said, reassuring himself more than his brother. “We'll fix this.”

They'd followed sightings of a flying purple carpet south, but the witnesses were inconsistent. The woman seemed to have been wandering aimlessly and crossed her own path more than once. Eventually they ran out of leads.

And now, a couple hours later, Luigi was explaining the broad strokes of this to Bowser.

He left out his name, of course, and let Bowser believe the wolf that had inserted itself between the two of them while Luigi was talking was just a pet. But Bowser accepted that Luigi was one of Peach's lady friends without a hint of suspicion. It worked out, even if Luigi couldn't help feeling conflicted.

“Okay, I get the pattern now,” Bowser said. “You know about curses, then? Dabbled in the dark arts?”

He said it like he approved. “What? No. Why would you think that?”

“You said their names,” he said. “The curse that's on you is that cinder thing, right? Dunno what dressing you up has to do with cinders…”

“No, no, it's a story,” Luigi said. “A fairy tale. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood…”

Bowser blinked.

“You never read any… Okay.”

Luigi knew this world had the same fairy tales his home had, though it was possible they weren't as common here. Or maybe Bowser just hadn't been raised on them. Most fairy tales were morality stories, when you got down to it. Meant to teach children to be polite and obey rules. It wasn't remotely surprising if Bowser had missed those lessons.

“They're stories, for kids,” he said. “Sleeping Beauty is about a princess whose parents didn't invite an important fairy to her birthday party, so the fairy cursed her to fall into an enchanted sleep that couldn't be broken except by True Love's Kiss.”

“Oh! I've heard of that part.”

At least Luigi wouldn't have to explain the details. A lot of things in fairy tales didn't make sense, you just accepted them because it was baked into the genre. “But we tried that and it didn't work.”

“Sure, sure. So… she's still in the castle?” Bowser said, looking in the direction of the capital. Luigi didn't have to ask why Bowser knew which way it was off the top of his head.

“Yes, but she's fine,” Luigi said. “In Sleeping Beauty, the princess was asleep for a hundred years and didn't even age.”

“And you're certain True Love's Kiss is off the table?”

“Yes,” Luigi said firmly, and Mario punctuated it with a growl.

“Hey, just asking,” Bowser raised his hands in mock-surrender. “Not like I was gonna go kissing another woman right in front of a lady.”

Luigi blinked.

Bowser grinned, then cleared his throat. “By the way, I don't think I've formally introduced myself. Bowser, king of the Koopas, ruler of the Darklands. And you, my lady?”

“Um.” Luigi looked at Mario, who had tilted his head to a 45 degree angle, and then down at himself, at the ballgown he'd been marching around in since lunchtime. “I'm… Emerald.” He attempted a smile, which felt very weird without the familiar tickle of hair under his nose. Like his face was naked. “It's a… pleasure?” He couldn't even say that convincingly.

“Oh I assure you, the pleasure is all mine, Princess Emerald,” Bowser said.

“It is,” Luigi agreed, quickly correcting himself to, “I mean, it is? I mean, I'm not a princess. This isn't how I usually dress, remember?”

“Right right, cursed dress,” Bowser agreed offhandedly. He grinned. “But it suits you. And so does your name, Emerald. I can't think of a more perfect name for a gem like you.”

Surprising no one more than himself, Luigi giggled. It was just so cheesy. And Bowser said it like he actually meant it.

Unfortunately, the giggle only encouraged him. Bowser bowed and took Luigi's hand again, this time carefully raising it to his mouth and kissing the back of Luigi's white glove. “Lady Emerald, since we have the same goal, it would be my honor to escort you across the kingdom.”

“I… Well…”

Before he could come up with an answer, Mario chomped down on Bowser’s wrist, digging his teeth into the skin just past his spiked wristband. Bowser yelped and jerked back, trying to shake him off, but Mario clung on and let his body flail in the air.

“Don't!” Luigi exclaimed. He grabbed onto Bowser's other arm with both hands. “Don't hurt him, please! He's just trying to protect me.”

Bowser gritted his teeth, but lowered his arm until Mario's feet were on the ground again, and Luigi moved to stroke his head and plead with him quietly until Mario finally opened his mouth just enough that Bowser could snatch his arm back.

Luigi dropped to his knees and murmured close to Mario's ear, speaking in Italian so Bowser wouldn't understand even if he could hear it. “He doesn't know who we are, we can get out of this without fighting. Just follow my lead.”

Mario growled again and snapped in Bowser's direction, but sat down on his haunches and stared pointedly down the path.

“I'm sorry,” Luigi said, making his voice as sweet as he could. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Bowser said. He was still rubbing his wrist, and Luigi had heard him growl back for a second before he stopped himself. “Didn't break the skin, we koopas are pretty tough.”

“I'm glad.” Luigi laid a hand on his upper arm and smiled up at him, and he could practically see Bowser's anger drain away, like one of those water toys with different colored oil inside.

Was this that ‘pretty privilege’ thing he'd heard about? Too bad it only worked on bad-tempered koopas with a thing for princess cosplay.

“It might be better if we part ways here,” Luigi said. “My guardian is… sensitive, and I’d hate to make you uncomfortable. But it was nice meeting you.”

Bowser smiled, though Luigi could tell he was forcing it past the pain. “A little discomfort is nothing if it means getting to spend more time with you, my lady.”

Luigi had to force himself to keep smiling too. “You're sweet, but really, it's better to split up. We'll cover more ground that way.”

“If we don't coordinate we'll just end up crossing each other's paths again anyway. Working together saves time.”

Standing at Luigi's side, Mario gave a doggy huff. Okay, he was right, talking wasn't working, Bowser had a counter for every one of Luigi's arguments. He was going to have to do something he'd never been good at - be firm.

“Bowser,” Luigi started. “Can I call you Bowser?”

“Absolutely,” Bowser said, just a little too emphatically. If he was this desperate just to hear a woman say his name, how much could Luigi get for a kiss on the cheek?

“Bowser, I'm sorry, but I don't-”

“Wait.” Bowser held up a hand and sighed. “I know I don't have the best reputation, but I…” He gritted his teeth for a moment, as if bracing himself. “I need your help.”

Luigi blinked, surprised. He couldn't recall ever hearing Bowser outright ask for help.

“I don't know any of these stories you say the curses are based on. How am I supposed to know if it's just the usual weirdness around here or something I should pay attention to? So… I could really use your help.” With visible effort, he added, “Please.”

Luigi knew he had never heard Bowser say that.

“Why is this so important to you?” Luigi asked. “What did that fairy godmother woman do to you?”

“It's…” Bowser hesitated, clearly still struggling. He said, in a rush, “So I have a son.”

“I know?” Luigi said. He only realized when Bowser looked surprised that maybe that wasn't common knowledge. It didn't seem like he was trying to keep it a secret? Bowser Jr. had an airship with his face in it. But if it was strange that “Lady Emerald” knew about him, maybe Luigi should come up with an excuse. “Princess Peach mentioned it.”

“What else did she tell you about me?” Bowser grimaced, and muttered, “Never mind. It’s probably all true.”

Was that why he didn't want to mention his son? Because he thought having a kid would put Lady Emerald off? Luigi had always thought his relationship with his son was Bowser's one redeeming quality.

Bowser sighed again. “I don't know what exactly happened, but I came home and found that stupid godmother woman being chased around the castle by a furry thing that I didn't even recognize. She turned my son into a monster.” He was growling, and this time didn't bother to choke it back.

“What kind of monster?” Luigi asked.

“What?” Bowser asked, clearly confused.

“Was there anything else? Did she do something to your castle?”

“What?” Bowser repeated, smoke escaping between his teeth.

Luigi backed up a step, glad when Mario immediately moved under his hand for support. “You said you don't know fairy tales, I'm trying to narrow it down.”

“Ugh.” Bowser rubbed his hands across his face. “Uh, well, everybody else who was at the castle when it happened is invisible now. They seemed to be having fun with it though, everyone was wearing stupid hats when I left.”

“Beauty and the Beast,” Luigi said. He’d tried to snap his fingers, but the frilly white gloves were too slippery for it. “I'm pretty sure. Um, I'm more familiar with the movie version to be honest, but I'm pretty sure in the most common version the staff turned invisible instead of into furniture.”

“Furniture?” Bowser repeated. “She could have turned my kid into a chair?”

“Well, no, the prince is the beast. That part's always the same I think.” Luigi frowned. “I’ve never heard of one where he acts like a beast, though. He always kept his mind.”

“Oh, no, chasing that woman around was normal behavior for Junior. He thinks this whole thing is fun.” Bowser scowled. “It could have gone so much worse and he has no idea… I should have been there.”

“If you were there, you’d have been the one cursed.”

“It should have been me!” Bowser exclaimed. “I can take it. He’s just a kid!” Bowser rubbed his forehead, his eyes unfocused. “What if it gets worse? What if he does lose his mind? If anything happened to him…”

Without thinking, Luigi reached out to him. Bowser grabbed his hand and held it like a lifeline.

“Will you help me?” he asked.

Luigi swallowed, hard. He couldn’t say no, not now, not even with Mario growling at his side. “Let’s… let’s try it and see how it goes.”

“Yesss,” immediately back to normal, Bowser pumped his fist in triumph. “Okay! Which way, gorgeous?”

Luigi wasn’t sure if he’d just been played or not. He couldn’t go back on his word, though. “I don’t know either. That wicked godmother was running all over the place.”

“Hrm.” Bowser stood up as straight as he could and looked around. They were in the middle of the woods and not even he was tall enough to see past the trees, but he seemed to have an idea of his bearings. He must have gotten pretty used to the Mushroom Kingdom in all the times he’d invaded it. “Not back toward my castle, she’ll have learned her lesson there. And probably nothing more to do in the princess’s castle…” He ducked back down into his usual posture. “You were already headed south, should we stick with that?”

“I guess it’s a direction,” Luigi said.

Bowser offered his arm and Luigi ignored it, continuing to lean on Mario. Their unlikely trio started walking along the road like a particularly mis-cast version of the Wizard of Oz.

Bowser initially tried to walk on Luigi’s other side, but Mario growled and made Luigi switch hands. Bowser narrowed his eyes at him and tried again, slowing his pace to fall back a few steps and try to make it look more natural, but this time Mario nipped at him when he changed positions.

“It’s okay, fratello,” Luigi murmured. Mario kept his eyes fixed on Bowser and gave another growl, but he didn’t try biting again.

“Is that his name?” Bowser asked.

“Um… it’s more of a… petname.”

“Petname for a pet,” Bowser said, with a chuckle. “You’re cute.”

“Is it that funny?”

“Oh, no, just…” Bowser smiled, sort of awkward and crooked. “I just meant you’re cute.”

Luigi laughed, shaking his head. “You know, you don’t have to butter me up, I already said I’d help you.”

“This isn’t buttering,” Bowser said. “It’s like talking about how beautiful the sunset is, or the view from a mountaintop.”

Luigi couldn’t help it, he laughed again. How could Bowser say things so cheesy so seriously? “Is this how you always flirt, or am I just lucky?”

“Which answer do you want to hear?” Bowser asked, utterly shameless.

It was so bad that it looped back around to being kind of good. If this was anyone other than Bowser Luigi might have found himself falling for it. “Peach never said that you can actually be charming.”

“Is that what I'm doing?” He looked surprised. “You shouldn't have told me! If I try to do it on purpose I'm going to fuck it up.” He winced, and amended, “I mean screw it up. Mess it up. Shi- shoot, sorry.”

“You don't have to watch your language around me,” Luigi said. “I'm a grown adult, I don't give a fuck if you swear.”

Shock widened Bowser's eyes, and then a slow grin spread across his face. “Where have you been all my life?”

Luigi steeled himself, looked Bowser in the eyes, and said, “Dating better men.”

He wasn't sure what reaction he'd expected, but it definitely wasn't for Bowser to grin even wider and say, “I need your number. I have to get your number after this.”

“After this,” Luigi said offhandedly. That could be a problem for Future Luigi.

They walked for a while, Bowser occasionally trying to make conversation, Luigi keeping his responses casual. Bowser never stopped flirting, throwing in compliments or theatrically offering his hand to help Luigi step over anything larger than a twig. It would have gotten old fast if it wasn’t so sincere. Bowser seemed like he was doing this, saying these things, because he wanted to.

Which was all the more reason Luigi could never let him find out who he really was. If he knew he was doing all this outrageous courting to the brother of the man he hated, Bowser would probably try to kill him for real.

“Hey, Lady Emerald.”

It took Luigi a second to remember that was him. “Oh. Yes?”

“Did you not hear me?” Bowser asked.

“Um, I was… thinking. Sorry. What is it?”

Bowser pointed ahead of them on the road, and Luigi saw a mob of crows pecking at something on the ground. “Is that a curse?”

“Boy I hope not,” Luigi said. He didn’t really want to think about what a curse would have to do to someone to make them into roadkill.

The birds scattered as they passed, but whatever they’d been eating was gone. No traces, not even bones. Maybe it wasn’t a person after all?

A little further along was another group of birds, this time small songbirds, much slower eaters. Luigi saw what looked like food crumbs piled up in the middle of the road. “False alarm,” he reported to Bowser. “Just the leftovers of someone’s lunch.”

“Here?” Bowser asked. “In the road? In the middle of nowhere?”

“It is weird…” Luigi admitted. “But I can’t think of any fairy tales about bunches of birds. Well… I think at the end of Cinderella they peck out her step-sisters’ eyes, but…”

Bowser scowled. “If any birds come for your eyes I’ll roast ‘em.”

“I appreciate that,” Luigi said.

They kept walking, and by the third pile of crumbs Luigi had to admit this definitely wasn’t a coincidence. What could it be? What fairy tales revolved around food?

Oh. Ohhh this could be bad.

“Keep your eyes peeled for anything that looks, uh, baked.”

“‘Baked’?” Bowser repeated, raising his eyebrows. “In what way, beautiful, because I haven’t partied in… Oof, too long.”

“No no,” Luigi said. “Like, cookies, cakes, candy.”

“Huh?”

“It’s specifically gingerbread, I think.”

Bowser was staring down at him. “You gotta fill me in, beautiful, I am lost as hell right now.”

Luigi outlined the plot of Hansel and Gretel as quickly as he could, skipping ahead when Bowser got upset about the concept of parents abandoning their children. The important parts were the gingerbread house and the potential cannibalism held therein.

“Okay, like an angler fish, I got it,” Bowser said. “Which means we need to move, so with your and your dog’s permission, my lady?”

“Uh, what?” Luigi said, as Mario barked once and stepped aside.

Then Bowser scooped him up with one arm, tossed him over his shoulder like a sack of flour, and started to run. He wasn’t fast, not compared to Luigi in his regular shoes, but Luigi had to admit they made much better time this way. Mario had run on ahead of them, quickly disappearing around bends in the road, but he popped back every couple minutes and barked.

They passed another group of birds, another pile of breadcrumbs, and then saw Mario up ahead, stopped and sniffing the air. When Bowser reached him he sniffed too.

“Burnt sugar,” he said. “Where’s it coming from?”

Luigi, perched on Bowser’s shoulder, was currently the tallest of them. He shaded his eyes and scanned the trees, and saw movement among the canopy. “That way,” he said.

Mario’s ears perked up and his head snapped in the direction Luigi was pointing. He took off into the forest, easily dodging around trees and bushes, while Bowser had to take a slower path and walk around any gaps too narrow for him. Luigi noticed that, despite how cavalierly he’d picked Luigi up, he was being very careful to avoid branches on that side of his body. Luigi saw one smack him in the face and heard Bowser mutter a swear, but he held it aside and stepped around it, and only after Luigi was well out of the way did he grab the branch tight in one hand and snap it off.

“I can walk from here,” Luigi said, starting to feel bad.

“There’s no trail, and you’re wearing heels. You’ll break your ankle.” Bowser glanced sideways at Luigi’s feet poking out of his skirts. “And I couldn’t do that to such a pretty joint.”

Luigi found himself giggling again. If his ankles looked good it was only the shoes at work. The heels weren’t even that high, and they were chunky, almost practical compared to the shoes you saw on catwalks or at clubs. If Luigi actually had been training to walk in heels since he was a kid, like a real princess, he probably could have gone hiking in these.

Fortunately, Luigi didn’t have to come up with a response, because the smell of burnt sugar was only getting stronger the deeper into the forest they got, and Luigi heard the faint sound of someone screaming.

Bowser couldn’t go faster than he was already, but he stopped flirting for now and pushed through the trees until they finally found the fairy tale they’d been looking for.

“A… meringue house?” Luigi said, taking in the scene.

In a clearing, with a yard and a path leading the opposite of the way they’d come in, stood a house that looked like a dessert. It was shaped more or less like the houses Luigi was used to in the Mushroom Kingdom, but the texture was all wrong, and the windows were lined with frosting and framed with pretzel sticks. A wall had fallen (or been eaten) and Luigi could see it had crumbled and cracked in that familiar way meringue had.

“This is actually worse,” Luigi said idly as Bowser set him on the ground now that it was flat. “Gingerbread is pretty sturdy, for a cookie.”

“I think we’ve established that that wicked godmother nutjob doesn’t know what she’s doing.”

Bowser looked up at the mushroom house’s roof, where Mario had climbed, leaving pawprints in the frosting spots of the cap. Then all three of them tilted their heads back to watch the helpless sap who’d been cast as the “witch” in this fairy tale.

It was a Toad, dressed in black but otherwise looking the same as most of his countrymen. Currently, they were clinging desperately to a shabby broomstick as it flew in tight circles around the clearing. That had been the movement Luigi had seen, this dizzying flight that had trapped this unlucky Toad for god-knows how long. In comparison, being a princess didn’t seem so bad.

“Help meeeee!” the Toad cried. “Anyone! Please!”

“Anybody else here?” Bowser asked, eyes dropping back to the house. “Any children waiting in cages to be cooked?”

“I don’t think so,” Luigi said.

“Then at least we’ve got proof we’re going the right way.” Bowser clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Should we head towards town or back where we came?”

Luigi glanced at him, confused. “Can’t we decide after we ask him what happened?”

“Who?” Bowser asked. He looked back up at the flying Toadwitch, who was now sobbing in between his screams. “Him? He’ll fall off eventually. Come on, let’s go.”

“We’re not leaving him!” Luigi exclaimed. For a second he’d actually forgotten what Bowser was like. “He’s a victim too!”

Bowser’s expression didn’t change.

“And he might be able to tell us which way the wicked godmother went!”

Bowser looked back up at the Toad thoughtfully. Mario was still on the roof, hopping up and down and trying to grab the brush of the broom with his teeth when it passed overhead, but he couldn’t get enough air to reach it. The Toad didn’t seem to have noticed them, he was still just crying and occasionally yelling for help. Maybe he’d squeezed his eyes shut out of a fear of heights or an attempt to stave off dizziness.

“Okay, I got an idea,” Bowser said. He held out his hand and Luigi let himself be led back to the edge of the clearing, underneath one of the sturdier trees. Then Bowser turned back to the house and cupped his hand around his mouth. “Hey! Dog! Uh, Fratello!”

Immediately Mario gave up on jumping, whipped around, and growled at Bowser.

“You shouldn’t call him that,” Luigi said quickly.

“Yeah yeah,” Bowser said absently. “C’mon dog, you want to catch some real air?”

Mario regarded him with narrowed eyes for a moment. His paws moved back and forth on the roof, already cracking beneath his weight. Finally, he dipped his head.

Bowser stood next to the house, braced his hands, and when Mario jumped into them Bowser flung him into the sky. The Toadwitch zipped by and Mario chomped down on the end of the broom, tipping it backwards and sending the Toadwitch flying in an arc instead of in a circle… headed directly for the ground.

Luigi heard Bowser exclaim “oh shit!” and dash across the clearing. He caught the Toad in his arms a foot before he hit the ground, and dropped him the remaining distance.

Mario had landed on the roof again, and as the Toad wobbled around he hopped down and returned to Luigi’s side. Luigi leaned against him and they walked - even slower thanks to the uneven ground - to join Bowser and the dizzy “witch.”

“Hey,” Bowser said, “what happened?”

The Toad looked up at him, blinked a couple times, and rubbed his eyes. “I must be seeing things. You look like Bowser right now.”

“I am Bowser,” Bowser said.

The Toad looked at him again, his mouth opened, and then he flopped backwards onto the grass.

Bowser was poking him cautiously with his foot when Luigi finally made it to them. “He fainted!” Bowser exclaimed. “He actually fainted. I don’t often get to make people faint.” Bowser glanced at Luigi. “You know, between this and meeting you, this is shaking out to be a really good day. If my kid wasn’t cursed it would be a winner all around.”

“I’m… happy for you,” Luigi said, unsure of what else to say. The Toad was breathing, but not stirring. “I’ll get him some water,” he decided, and let Mario help him over to the house.

There was a large enough hole in the wall that Luigi could step inside without having to do more than hike up his skirts a little bit (he pretended he didn’t notice Bowser noticing) and make his way unsteadily into the kitchen. It was a small house, it wasn’t hard to find, but he had to open a couple cabinets before he found glasses. As he went to get some water from the tap, Luigi noticed a small red light glowing on the oven’s control panel.

The oven was on.

The oven was on.

In all the fuss over the broom, Luigi had forgotten about the risk of cannibalism. There weren’t any child-sized cages or anything, but the oven was on…

Wishing his brother had opposable thumbs right now, Luigi very carefully opened the oven door.

Only to see a tray of what had probably once been cookies now burned into small black disks.

Luigi heaved a sigh of relief and switched the oven off. That explained the burnt sugar smell, now that he thought about it. He’d almost forgotten about that too. How long had the cookies been in here that the scent reached all the way to the forest road?

How long had that poor Toad been stuck in the air?

Water acquired, Luigi headed back outside, spilling only about a quarter of it as he wobbled on his heels. The Toad was still lying on the ground, Bowser standing next to him and watching the broom continue its now rider-less circuit.

“I’m back,” Luigi said, unnecessarily.

“Great,” Bowser said, flashing him an apparently-genuine smile. He took the glass of water out of Luigi’s hand and promptly dumped it over the Toad’s face.

“Hey!”

“What?” Bowser said. “It’s working.”

It was, the Toad was sputtering and rolled over on his side to rub his face. Luigi quickly waved Bowser away.

“I’ll do the talking,” Luigi said.

“You got it babe,” Bowser said, giving awkward finger-guns, and backed off to stand in the shade of the trees.

And so, when the Toad opened his eyes, all he saw was Luigi and Mario, both trying to seem as unthreatening as possible.

“What… happened?” he asked.

“That’s a good question,” Luigi said. “When we got here, we saw you flying around on that broom. Can you tell me how you got up there and what happened to your house?”

“Uh…” the Toad wiped a little more water off his face. “Who are you?”

Right. Luigi didn’t look like himself right now. If he wasn’t “Mario’s brother” there was no reason for strangers to trust him.

“I’m…” Could he tell the truth? Most of the Toads knew him, at least by reputation, and if this Toad had also been cursed he should understand the costume change. And Bowser was standing pretty far away, he probably couldn’t hear what Luigi said…

But the Toad might raise his voice and say something Bowser could hear. Better not to risk it.

“My name is Lady Emerald, I’m a friend of the princess,” Luigi said. “There seems to be a strange woman casting curses on people and she asked me to find her.”

“Oh.” The Toad looked dubious, but maybe that was just the vertigo. “Well, there was a woman floating in the air near my house when I-” He stopped, suddenly staring at Mario. “Why is your dog so big?”

“Sometimes dogs are big,” Luigi said. He smiled, piling on the sweetness. “Please go on.”

“Um, okay, so….”

It took a little more steering of the conversation, but eventually Luigi got the whole story. The wicked godmother had appeared while the Toad was arriving home, declared that this Toad’s house was “perfect” and turned it into meringue. She said that it was “better” than gingerbread. The Toad protested, but she simply changed his clothes too and then flew away. Since he couldn’t do anything about it, the Toad decided to do the baking he’d already planned for the day. Except some birds showed up and started trying to eat his house, and when he grabbed a broom to shoo them away the broom suddenly shot up into the air. And that was where Luigi and Bowser came in.

With all the questions answered, Luigi tried to get a little more information about the wicked godmother, but the Toad didn’t know any more than Luigi did. Less, in fact, because he’d been so focused on his house that he didn’t see which direction she’d gone.

“So we’re just as lost now as we were when we started,” Bowser spoke up. Luigi hadn’t even noticed him creeping closer.

“Yes,” Luigi said. “But… at least we know she’s still at it?”

The Toad stared up at Bowser, eyes as round as plates. “Is that Bowser?” he asked.

“In the flesh,” Bowser said. He grinned as the Toad scooted backwards across the grass.

Luigi climbed to his feet, only noticing when he was halfway up that he’d taken Bowser’s hand without thinking. Mario wasn’t growling this time, but he moved in close to Luigi’s side, nearly stepping on his skirts.

“He’s- he’s here? With you?” the Toad asked, looking at Luigi.

Right… Luigi was representing the princess right now. “Bowser is assisting me,” Luigi said. “The woman who cursed your house has also visited his kingdom.”

“How do you know he’s not working with her?” the Toad asked.

Bowser must have made a face, because the Toad yelped and scooted back another foot.

“I’m certain,” Luigi said. “Don’t worry. We’re on the same team.”

“That’s right,” Bowser said, and Luigi could hear him grinning. “Teammates.” He turned toward Luigi. “So what do you think, teammate? Head toward town, get more info? Or keep going the way we were.”

“Head toward town,” Luigi said, only partly because he thought a paved road would be easier to walk on than a dirt one. “There would be a lot more people to curse there.”

“As you wish, my lady.”

The toad had continued scooting whenever Bowser wasn’t looking directly at him, which Bowser responded to by maintaining eye contact until they passed the crumbling house and he couldn’t any more. Luigi noticed him turning his head nonetheless until that became painful. He just couldn’t stop himself from being petty.

Luigi waited until they’d walked a good distance away from the clearing, hanging on to Bowser’s arm the whole way. As much as he hated to admit it, it was easier than leaning on his brother. Holding on to something higher up meant that he didn’t fall even when he stumbled, and Bowser walked slower despite having longer legs, so he kept pace better.

“Did you notice anything back there?” Luigi said.

“You mean how that guy forgot he already saw me?” Bowser snorted. “Which is bullshit. I’m very memorable.”

“No, he- Actually, if you get knocked out you usually can’t remember the last few seconds. Your memories haven’t had time to set.”

“Whoa, really? How do you know that?”

“Oh, um, I tried out for sports once when I was a kid. Once.”

“Ohh, I get it now,” Bowser said. He smiled, and pointed at Luigi. “You, your vibe. You’re one of those smart chicks.”

“I’m not- Don't call me a ‘chick,’ please? But I'm really not that smart. Just dorky.”

“No no, don’t sell yourself short,” Bowser said. “You know all this fairy stuff-”

“It’s common knowledge where I come from.”

“And you handled things with that idiot Toad.”

“I have… experience with Toads.”

“And with me, too.” Bowser said. He was still smiling, as if he approved. “You’ve been playing me like a fiddle this whole time.”

Luigi felt his face getting warm. Was he blushing? “It’s easy to play a fiddle that volunteers for it.”

“You know I would,” Bowser said, a low rumble in his voice. “Any day of the week.”

Yep, Luigi was definitely blushing. “L- let’s just… listen to the birdsong, okay?”

Bowser laughed, so loudly he startled several of the birds. And Mario growled all the way until they left the forest and reached the edges of the town. As they saw the first few houses between the trees, Mario’s growl broke off into a confused whine.

“What the hell is that?” Bowser said.

Luigi couldn’t tell either. It had been a house, at some point, or at least shaped like one. There was a door toppled over onto the ground, and some vaguely furniture-shaped piles under the… stuff. When they got closer Luigi saw three Toads digging through the stuff, one of them looking far more distraught than the other two.

“I’ll be okay,” one of them said. “You can crash with me for now.”

“How could this have happened?” the distraught Toad said. He held up a handful of brightly-colored objects, long and thin, like pencils. But they bent in his grip, and when the Toad let go, the breeze caught one or two and blew them toward Luigi’s party.

Bowser snatched one of them out of the air before it hit Luigi’s face, and Mario snapped at the other. “Oh,” Bowser said, relaxing as he decided whatever it was wasn’t a threat. “It’s just a plastic straw.”

“A straw?” Luigi repeated. Mario gave a whuff, and Luigi took the (slightly damp) one from his mouth. “You’re right, they’re drinking straws. Wait, then that should mean…”

He squinted, and sure enough, down the road he saw another mushroom-shaped house that was now rough and brown, and further than that was a third one in blocky red.

“Straw, sticks, and brick,” Luigi said. He looked down at Mario. “You’re not feeling the urge to huff and puff, are you?”

Mario rolled his eyes.

“So this is another curse,” Bowser said.

“Yes, the Three Little Pigs. Three talking pigs decide to build houses, but the first two build them out of weak materials, like straw and sticks, and only the third one is practical enough to take the time to build a home out of bricks.” The three Toads sorting through the collapsed straw house didn’t have any pig features though.

“I’m assuming in the story it was supposed to be straw as in hay, right?”

“Right,” Luigi said. “This godmother lady seems a little confused.”

“What was that huff puff thing you said?” Bowser asked.

“In the story, the big bad wolf,” Luigi patted Mario’s head, “wants to eat the pigs because, y’know, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Bowser agreed.

“And the words the story uses are, ‘he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down.’”

“A wolf blew a whole house down,” Bowser repeated.

“Well, the ones made of straw and sticks, yes. He can’t do the brick one, and then I think he tries to climb down the chimney and gets set on fire?”

“Uh-huh,” Bowser said, absently. He looked at the pile of straws thoughtfully, and then his head turned and his eyes fell on the house of sticks.

“Do not try to blow down that house,” Luigi said.

Bowser flashed his teeth. “You can tell what I’m thinking?”

“Of course I can, I can always tell what you’re thinking.”

His grin widened. “You know me so well already, huh?”

Ah. Right. They’d only been walking together for a couple hours at most, it shouldn’t be possible to know how he thought already. But if Luigi tried to explain this one by saying he’d learned it from Peach, Bowser might take that as a sign Peach cared about him after all.

“You’re easy to read, that’s all,” Luigi said. It was close to true. Bowser only seemed to have two emotions: anger and pride. And when his pride was injured he got angry.

But today, with all this flirting, Luigi couldn’t tell whether he should take it seriously or not. If it was just for fun that was one thing, but if Bowser was serious he might be in more trouble than he thought…

“We should ask if they saw anything,” Luigi said, and let Bowser lead him up the path to the pile of straw.

These Toads weren’t disoriented so it took a bit longer to get them to understand Bowser wasn’t a threat, but Bowser standing there and putting on his best Who, Me? expression helped a little. Unfortunately they didn’t have any more information than the last one, they’d all been sitting in their houses when their walls suddenly turned into different material.

They did know the time this happened, though, which was better than nothing. Hopefully the next person would too, and they could at least find out if they were going backwards or not.

“Could be worse,” Bowser said to the distraught Toad. “You coulda been turned into a pig.” He blinked, and shot a look at Mario, still glued to Luigi’s side. “Wait a minute-”

“We should go,” Luigi said quickly. “Don’t worry, I’m sure once we catch the culprit we’ll be able to reverse everything.”

“I hope so,” another Toad said, Luigi thought he was the one with the sticks. “I think some birds already stole parts of my house. Is it bad if they turn back into drywall when they’ve been made into a nest?”

“That’s… a great question,” Luigi said. “Hopefully we get the answer soon!”

He grabbed onto Bowser’s arm and dragged him away from the houses, and sure enough Bowser was distracted enough by the contact that he forgot what he’d been thinking before.

Luigi kept him locked in conversation the rest of the way into town. Maybe this was making things worse, but it was better than letting him ask questions about Luigi’s “pet.”

Once they got into the town center there was plenty to distract both of them. Luigi was pretty sure he’d passed through this town before at some point. He’d traveled all over the Mushroom Kingdom, usually trailing after his brother. This was the first time he’d walked into any town clinging to a man’s arm, and when the man was Bowser, everyone noticed them immediately.

Luigi ignored it, keeping his head high the way a real noblewoman would. If he hadn’t stumbled every tenth step it might have even been impressive. Instead, once they reached a small park, Bowser steered Luigi to a bench and made him sit down.

“C’mon,” he said. “I know your feet must be killing you. Take a break.”

“I’m okay,” Luigi said, though as soon as the weight was off his feet they actually felt worse.

“You want a massage or something?”

Luigi felt himself blushing again. “Not even if I could take these shoes off.”

“Oh right. Curse.”

Bowser sat next to him on the bench, just barely managing to squeeze in between Luigi’s fluffy skirts and the metal armrest. Luigi tried to ignore the way he could feel the warmth of Bowser’s body on his hip and thigh. Mario attempted to climb up on Luigi’s lap, probably to protect him again, but when he proved to be too big he settled for laying on the ground and letting Luigi put his feet up on his back.

Being pampered like this was kind of nice… But Luigi knew his brother well enough to know that he was only doing all this because he felt helpless right now. Not being able to talk or hold things or walk upright. He could help Luigi, and that was better than nothing.

Seeing all the Toads stare at them as they walked by or peered from windows wasn’t exactly restful, but looking down at his hands might make them think Bowser was holding him hostage. He leaned back and gazed up at the sky, and after a moment turned his head and realized Bowser was, in turn, gazing down at him.

“What?” Luigi asked, finding himself smiling.

“Nothing. You’re just nice to look at, is all.”

Luigi rolled his eyes.

“What? It’s the truth.”

“I keep telling you, you don’t have to flatter me. I know I’m… I’m not ugly, but I’m not pretty or anything.”

Bowser’s expression suddenly turned serious. “Who the hell told you you’re not pretty?”

“Well, I’m-”

“No, I’m serious. I want names.”

Luigi’s face was getting hot again. He sat up properly and turned away, pretending he was just interested in looking down the street. “I mean… I got teased as a kid, I guess. Everyone does.”

“Not me,” Bowser said, and Luigi believed it, if only because he doubted Bowser spent much time with other kids at all.

“But I have a mirror. I know what other gu- girls look like.”

“Bullshit,” Bowser said firmly. “You are incredibly pretty. If I could be your mirror I’d tell you that every day.”

Luigi let out a weak laugh. “Don’t say that. There’s a magic talking mirror in one of the fairy tales, and I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“I’d be fine with it.” Bowser elbowed Luigi, grinning. “Hey, if I turn into a mirror, will you keep me in your bedroom?”

Luigi smacked his arm as hard as he could. “Not a chance!”

Sure enough, Mario had sat up and was growling at him, teeth fully bared.

“Hey,” Bowser raised his hands in surrender. “You can’t blame a guy for trying.” He glanced at Luigi, and something in his face softened. “I’m glad you’re not scared of me anymore.”

Luigi felt himself blush harder. “I’m not… I mean, I wasn’t…”

“Sure you were. You think I can’t tell?”

“Well… maybe. A little.”

There was that awkward half-smile again. “Not that I don’t usually mind people from this kingdom being scared of me… But you’re different. You know that, don’t you?”

All Luigi could do was turn away and stare down the street again.

If Bowser did turn into a magic mirror, he probably wouldn’t be useful. His taste in women was suspect, now. How was he supposed to identify the fairest in the land? Just like Mario, he’d still be himself even if his form changed.

“Ah, that’s right,” Luigi said suddenly. “I forgot to finish my thought earlier.”

“Because you were distracted by my roguish charm?” Bowser said, moment passed and sincerity gone.

“Because you changed the subject.”

“And then you were distracted by my roguish charm.”

Luigi laughed, forgiving himself for it this time because how else was he supposed to react to that? Mario, back at his feet, covered his eyes with his paws.

“Okay,” Luigi said, “but the thought was, out of all the curse victims we’ve seen so far, only physical things have changed.”

“Okay…” Bowser said, clearly not getting it.

“Nobody’s mind has been affected. That Toad didn’t turn into a cannibal, your son was acting like he always does, and…” Luigi stopped, but he patted Mario’s head. “Um. Those other Toads weren’t acting like the pigs in the story either.”

“Ah, okay,” Bowser said, now nodding. “Y’know, I think I’m starting to understand these fairy stories.”

“Oh, are you?”

“They’ve all got like, messages and morals, right? Those pigs should have been responsible and built better houses. Your story,” he pointed at Luigi, “is about a virtuous daughter who eventually gets rewarded for sticking it out, right?” He smiled. “You get to marry royalty and be protected for the rest of your life.”

“I- I don’t need to be protected,” Luigi said.

“But you deserve it,” Bowser said it offhanded, like it was obvious to him. “Next to me, nobody would ever be able to hurt you again.”

Luigi grabbed at his skirts, crumpling the material in his hands. If he didn’t already know this stupid dress repelled dirt and instantly repaired any damage, he’d be tempted to tear it.

It wasn’t like it wasn’t appealing. It was, and that was the problem. Luigi couldn’t just be protected all his life, or he’d never do anything. And Bowser liked him, like his smarts and even his face. Bowser wouldn’t just lock him in a tower like a caged canary.

But if he knew the truth, all these pretty words would turn into fire and fists. Luigi knew it. He knew it.

So why did he keep blushing?

“I can’t figure out the cannibalism one, though,” Bowser said. His voice sounded a little stiff, like he’d noticed Luigi’s reaction and chosen to ignore it. “I mean, the parents abandoned their kids, the kids almost get eaten, but then they outsmart the witch and everything just works out in the end? What’s the lesson there?”

“Oh. Um.” Luigi thought about it. “I… don’t know if that one has a lesson? It might just be an adventure story. Like, hey kids, be streetsmart, and you too can roast an old woman alive.”

Bowser snorted and covered his mouth. Luigi saw a puff of smoke escape between his fingers.

“I think it was written in a time when everyone was really poor,” Luigi said. “I think I remember that in the original version, the house wasn’t even made of gingerbread, it was just normal bread. The idea of that much food was a fantasy.”

“Bread house is also a terrible idea,” Bowser said. “It would fall apart as soon as it rained.”

“Let’s stop talking about food,” Luigi said, grimacing. He’d forgotten how late it was getting. If he was at home he’d have started cooking by now.

“There’s an idea.” Bowser stood up, and Mario hopped to his feet too, ears perked up. “Let me buy you dinner.”

“Oh, you don’t have to-”

“I don’t have to,” Bowser said. “Let me.”

“No, really, I have money.”

“Do you?” Bowser said. “You got pockets in that thing?”

Luigi’s stomach sank. He stood up and patted his hips and backside and chest, pretending he didn’t notice Bowser watching him do it. “I… do not.”

He sank back down onto the bench. His feet were really killing him now that he’d finally gotten to rest for a while. Just standing up felt like his soles were being stabbed.

Ugh, was this now the Little Mermaid felt? Hopefully they didn’t run into that one.

“Let me buy you dinner,” Bowser said again. “And if we don’t run into any more curses, we should find somewhere to crash for the night.”

“It’s still early…” Luigi said, but it sounded weak even to him.

“It’ll be dark by the time we find a restaurant and a hotel that’ll let me in,” Bowser said. “And we won’t find much if we can’t see. So I vote we call it here.”

Mario gave a whuff and raised his paw briefly.

“I guess that’s a majority,” Luigi said. “I’d be outvoted if I wasn’t also voting yes.”

“That’s the spirit,” Bowser said, holding out his hand to help Luigi up again.

“‘Quitting’ is the spirit?”

“Knowing when to fold ‘em,” Bowser said.

“Not something you’re known for being great at,” Luigi said.

“I’m tenacious!” Bowser said. “I stick things out.”

“Even when you shouldn’t.”

He sighed. “Even when I shouldn’t.”

That tenacity paid off today, though, because it took three tries before they found a restaurant that didn’t lock their doors as soon as Bowser approached. Luigi was hungry enough that he’d have taken anything, but he couldn’t help being a little glad that it was a pizzeria.

The restaurant allowed Bowser, but they stopped Mario as soon as his nose passed the threshold. Luigi whispered apologies and promised to order him a sausage pizza, and Mario looked at him until Luigi amended that to two.

And so, for the first time that day, Luigi and Bowser were alone. Not alone, not with the pizzeria staff and the other customers, but… unsupervised. Luigi found himself nervous without really knowing why.

Somehow, the weirdest thing was that Bowser seemed to pick up on it and actually show tact. He started asking Luigi about more fairy tales, critiquing them and making Luigi laugh all through the meal. If this was a real date, it would have been worth a second one, at least.

If this was a real date. Which it wasn’t.

Two to-go boxes in hand, sun sinking below the horizon, they headed back onto the streets to try and find somewhere to spend the night.

That took six tries. Most of the hotels and inns wouldn’t even let Bowser inside, and Luigi distinctly saw several of them flip their signs to No Vacancy when they saw him.

While Bowser was negotiating with the doormen, Luigi went back to leaning on Mario for support as he walked. His feet hurt so badly he had to put a lot of weight on him, but Mario didn’t show any strain. Maybe he was just distracted by the prospect of pizza.

Finally they found one on the very edge of the town, small, only a handful of rooms, and honestly it looked a bit shabby. But Luigi was ready to pass out on his feet if the pain wasn’t keeping him awake and grumpy. He’d have slept in a bus shelter at this point.

The Toadette at the front desk’s eyes were wide when they walked in, but she didn’t run for it, which was promising. Luigi did his best to smile and said, “Hello, do you have two rooms available?”

He decided not to look at the face Bowser made when he said two.

“Y… ye… Let me check,” the Toadette said.

“We would really just like to check in and get some sleep, so we can be on our way in the morning,” Luigi said, oh-so-subtly implying that giving them rooms would get them out of town faster.

“Right. Yes.” She checked something behind the counter, or at least pretended to, and then glanced around the tiny lobby as if expecting prank show cameras. “Okay… then. Oh, we don’t allow pets.”

“But…” Luigi glanced down at Mario, who was sitting next to him and doing his best to look polite.

Suddenly Bowser’s hand slammed down on the desk. “That’s a service animal,” he said. “You gonna deprive a lady of something she needs to get around? That the kind of establishment you run here?”

“N- no!” the Toadette exclaimed. “I just didn’t realize- He’s not wearing a vest or anything.”

“They’re not required to,” Bowser said. “Look it up.”

“I’m sorry,” the Toadette said quickly. “It’s fine, of course. Um. Two rooms then.”

She passed over two keys and directed them down the hall here on the ground floor. Luigi was very glad they weren’t going up any stairs right now. He still hadn’t figured out how you got up those in a skirt.

“How did you know that about service animals?” Luigi asked, quietly, once they were out of earshot. “Is that something you approved as a king or something?”

“Huh?” Bowser said. “Oh, probably, I dunno. I was just bluffing.”

Luigi giggled. “Well, I appreciate it.”

“Anything for you, beautiful.”

He blushed, and Mario groaned.

Their rooms weren’t next door to each other, something Luigi was grateful for, even though he’d spent half the day with Bowser already. He wanted some time to be himself for a moment. To slouch and scratch and stop pretending his upper lip wasn’t cold.

Bowser kissed his hand again as they parted at the doorway. Luigi hadn’t been fast enough to stop it, and he wasn’t sure he would have if he could. Today was going well. Bowser suspected nothing and was being as helpful as it was possible for him to be. If they found more information tomorrow Luigi could send Bowser to defeat that wicked godmother by himself, and the problem would be solved. Bowser would never see Lady Emerald again and have no idea he’d been tricked…

Great, now Luigi felt bad about that.

“Goodnight, my lady,” Bowser said, his voice soft. “Sleep well.”

“Y- you too,” Luigi said. “Um. G’night.”

He let his fingers linger on Luigi’s hand as he stepped away, and didn’t turn until Luigi was closing the door. If he was waiting for an invitation he’d be waiting for a long time. But… Luigi was pretty sure Bowser just wanted to spend as much time with “Emerald” as he possibly could.

Ugh. There was that guilt again.

Luigi washed up as best he could in the bathroom, and finally flopped onto the bed. He was stuck in these shoes, even now, the stupid dress crinkling and getting in the way as he attempted to get comfortable. He’d forgotten there was a barrette in his hair, and that made it harder to find a good position to lie in.

Finally he settled for face-down, hugging the spare pillow to his chest, and listening to Mario messily devour the sausage pizzas on the floor.

He woke up suddenly, to the sounds of thumping and cracking. Luigi sat up and squinted at the window, wondering if he had to go check or if he could go back to sleep. Mario had finished eating and joined him on the bed at some point, curled up like any other pet. His only reaction to the noise was opening one eye, huffing, and closing it again.

Well if Mario’s heroic instincts were saying it was okay to ignore all that, Luigi felt safe ignoring it. He was just about to lay down again when someone - or some thing - knocked on his door.

What time was it? The lights were off, and Luigi definitely hadn’t done that. Could Mario reach the light switches? Luigi stumbled across the floor, feeling his way along the wall since he especially couldn’t trust his shoes while tired. He couldn’t have been asleep that long, his feet still hurt just as bad as they had before.

Bowser was standing in the hallway, ducking to look through Luigi’s doorway. “Hey,” he said. “There’s some weird shit going on outside.”

Luigi blinked blearily. “Can it wait until morning?”

“I don’t know, I still don’t know anything about these fairy stories. It doesn’t look like yours, or mine, or that spinning straw into gold one you told me about at dinner-”

“That’s a good one,” Luigi said, absently.

“So let’s just go check it out and then I can put you back to bed.”

Luigi narrowed his eyes. “Don’t say it like that.”

Bowser chuckled. “I love it when you sass me, have I told you that?”

Luigi just shook his head. He took a step forward, wincing, and Bowser regarded him for a moment before scooping him into his arms.

“Hey!”

“You’re too slow,” Bowser said, clearly an excuse. He shifted Luigi to one side long enough to shut his door, then carried him down the hall in both arms like a bride. Luigi was blushing the whole way.

Bowser’s room turned out to be around the corner, next to a back entrance, making Luigi wonder if that was deliberate. Had the desk Toadette wanted to make sure he got out of the building in the morning as quickly as humanly possible?

Outside, Bowser set Luigi down on one of the decorative boulders that passed for landscaping around the hotel. He pointed, and Luigi squinted into the darkness.

“Oh. Oddio.”

“What you said,” Bowser agreed.

Giant green stalks twisted up into the sky, leaves as big as trucks sticking out at regular intervals. Luigi could see rocks and dirt and bits of masonry stuck in the winding of the branches. It was too dark to be sure, but he was pretty sure more of the stars were blocked out than should be, indicating the cloud cover had suddenly gotten very dense in a very localized area.

“Jack and the Beanstalk,” Luigi said. “A boy named Jack gets some magic beans, which grow into - well, that.”

“What’s the lesson of that one?” Bowser asked.

“I think it’s another adventure story. Or maybe that it’s okay to steal from people that want to eat you?”

“More cannibalism? What’s the deal with fairies and eating people?”

“It-” Luigi couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s not the fairies that eat people. Before it was a witch, and in this one it’s a giant.”

“What’s a giant got to do with magic beans?”

“I… really don’t know.”

Bowser, as easily as if he was moving a chair, dragged another boulder over so he could sit next to Luigi. “So what do we do?” he asked, expectantly.

“I- I don’t know that either.” Luigi rubbed his forehead. “I’m tired, Bowser.”

“I know, beautiful, I’m sorry.” Bowser took his hand and rubbed it between his fingers, like he was trying to comfort him. “Can it wait until morning? Because if not, I’ll climb up there myself and you stay down here.”

“I don’t know if you can,” Luigi said. “It’s big, but it’s still a plant, it’s not that strong. I’d climb it, but… in these shoes I think I’d definitely slip and die.”

“Off the table,” Bowser said firmly. “Not even if you do get the shoes off, I’m not taking that risk.”

“Fine with me,” Luigi sighed. “I’m not a fan of heights.”

“Are you a fan of anything?” Bowser asked.

Luigi blinked at him, and Bowser got that strange look again, the one from the moment they’d ‘met’ this afternoon.

“Sorry, that sounded harsh. I just mean… I still don’t know anything you like. You don’t do sports, you don’t normally do dresses or heels… All the stuff you’re good at you keep downplaying like it’s nothing special. I think it’s special. I think you’re special, and I want to know you better.”

That look… was it guilt? Was that how Bowser looked when he actually felt bad about something?

If so, it matched how Luigi felt too.

“Bowser…” Luigi said, softly. “We should talk.”

“Dammit,” Bowser muttered.

“I’m sorry. I’ve enjoyed your company today a lot more than I thought I would, and it’s not like I hated you flirting with me, but…”

“Can we not?” Bowser said. “Can we please not do this? Come on, Lady Emerald, you’ve got to give me a chance.”

Luigi shook his head sadly. He didn’t even have to fake it. “It’s not going to happen, Bowser. You and I… It’s never going to happen. I need to tell you now, so you don’t think I’m- I’m leading you on or something. I’ll keep helping you. I want to be friends. But if you keep flirting, it will only be a waste of your time.”

Bowser was looking at him, his eyes pleading, and Luigi felt like he could see his heart breaking, like an X-ray through his chest.

“Can you tell me why?” Bowser said. “I know the princess probably told you a lot about me, but… You must have seen today that that’s not all I am. If you tell me, I… I’m…”

“It’s not only one thing,” Luigi said. “And if I try to explain why, you’ll just try to talk me out of it. Make excuses, say you can change.”

“But, I-”

“I’m rejecting you, Bowser,” Luigi said, as firmly as he dared. “And if you can’t accept that… you’re exactly the kind of man I thought you were.”

Bowser’s eyes were wide, and Luigi saw him swallow. When he didn’t say anything for several long seconds, Luigi slid off his boulder and braced his hand against the wall.

“I should get back to bed,” Luigi said.

“Wait.”

Luigi turned around, carefully, and when his hand wavered in the air, Bowser caught it with his own. His grip was soft, gentle, more weight than pressure. If Luigi wanted to he could slip his hand free and walk away. Maybe that was the point.

Bowser took a shaky breath, and looked up at Luigi. He’d slumped forward, so that he really did have to look up for once to meet Luigi’s eyes.

“Just let me say… I don’t regret it,” Bowser said. “You- you’re amazing. Smart, and funny, and so… so pretty. If I hadn’t tried to shoot my shot, I never would have forgiven myself.” He smiled,  that awkward crooked one that made him look nothing like the fire-spewing braggart Luigi was used to. “So, even if it was a waste of time, it was worth it. You were worth it.”

Luigi couldn’t pull his eyes away. It was the most sincere he’d ever heard Bowser sound, even with all his compliments and flattery today. Luigi believed him when he said it.

If only Bowser- if only someone could say that to Luigi who knew who he was.

“I should get back to bed,” Luigi said, his voice weak.

“Okay,” Bowser said, softly. He raised Luigi’s hand to his mouth and kissed it, again, but somehow Luigi knew he meant it as the last time.

And then something changed.

Luigi tipped back, his feet suddenly flat on the ground. Bowser held his hand tighter so he wouldn’t fall, and his other arm shot forward to grab Luigi around the waist.

The petticoats crinkled, for just a second, and then Luigi felt Bowser’s hand pressed much closer to his body, familiar lines and seams against his skin where there had once been satin and lace.

Luigi saw shock cross Bowser’s face at the same time he felt a hat settle on his head, and his upper lip finally - finally - was no longer distractingly cold.

“What the-” Bowser snatched back his hand, and then the other one, letting Luigi stumble back on his own. Luigi looked down at himself, seeing his old comfortable work boots and overalls.

“It’s midnight,” Luigi said, stomach sinking into the balls of his feet. “Cinderella’s dress disappeared at midnight. I should have known.”

“What the hell is this?” Bowser demanded. “Y- you? It was you all along?”

He stood up, eyes fixed on Luigi, who resisted the urge to run for the hills. Even with his comfortable shoes back, his feet still hurt, he wouldn’t make it far.

“You just let me make a fool of myself all day? The things I said, the things I thought?” Bowser looked down at his hands and made a noise of disgust, rubbing them on his body as if to wipe off an unpleasant substance.

“I’m sorry,” Luigi said. “I didn’t mean to trick you, it’s just you started being nice to me as soon as you saw me, and-”

“And you let me!” Bowser roared.

Luigi winced, hunching in on himself, as much as he knew that wouldn’t protect him. “...and I knew if you knew who I was, after doing that, you’d hurt me.”

Bowser stopped. He was leaning forward, looming over Luigi, his hands already raised as if ready to strike. There was a glow at the back of his throat, wisps of smoke escaping his nostrils with every breath.

“You’re scared of me,” he said.

Luigi just nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“Good,” Bowser said. “You should be. I can’t believe you-” He stopped, growling, though he sounded more frustrated than angry now. “I ought to kill you right here,” he said. As if it were an observation and not a threat.

Luigi braced himself, but nothing happened. When he dared to look up, he saw Bowser turning away.

“I can’t deal with this tonight,” Bowser said, still growling. “You-” He turned just enough to point at Luigi. “You’re paying me back for that pizza!”

“Ah. Okay.”

“And the hotel.”

“Um, I think I… Okay.” Luigi wasn’t sure the desk Toadette remembered to charge them.

“Tomorrow!” Bowser said, claw still pointed straight at Luigi’s face, “you’d better look like that!”

“I… I’ll try?”

Bowser turned on his heel and marched off, slamming the door against the wall when he opened it, and slamming it again into its frame as he went back into the hotel.

Luigi stood there for a moment, in the dark, only the hotel’s flickering outdoor lighting and decorative boulders to keep him company.

That could have gone a lot worse… But Luigi still remembered the heartbreak in Bowser’s eyes when Luigi had rejected him.

And he’d had exactly the same look on his face when he realized who Luigi was.